It’s weird when you first realize you’re in love with someone. The strangest shit turns you on, and you just can’t figure out why. You only know that you can’t possibly live without the other person, and when you’re apart from them...even for a few hours, it hurts like hell. I saw that longing in Justin’s eyes the entire weekend, and it really started to get old after the first day. I tried to be a good sport about it, talk to him about Mel when he felt like it, and tried to do something fun to keep his mind off the fact that she was away. Nothing worked of course. He was so damn listless. All he wanted to do was talk to her, and he kept bugging me to let him use the phone so he could call her. I figured it was best if only one of us had to suffer, so I tried as hard as I could to keep Justin from bothering her while she was having a weekend to herself. I knew it was her first one since she’d started working for him. Lynn had been kind enough to tell me that when we were on our way back from the suit place. It’s crazy to me how much the woman likes Melanie. I’ve only seen her this attached to two other women that were around Justin for an extended time: Britney and Kerri. Obviously the minute that Britney decided to be a cheating whore, she was cast out of the picture right away. But Kerri...
The reason Lynn doesn’t want anything to do with Kerri is something I just can’t understand right now.
She talks the world of Melanie though. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought Melanie was Justin’s girl, not somebody that was working for him. It was weird. I felt like Lynn considered her a part of the family, but I didn’t want to start asking her a lot of questions. I couldn’t deny that it had been a really long time since I’d seen Lynn so upbeat and I didn’t want her mood to change. She was laughing and cracking jokes like everything was just fine. I knew part of that had to do with Justin being in a better state of mind. They were getting along a million times better than they had been. It put my mind at ease. That meant I didn’t have to tiptoe around her as much, and the fact that she didn’t hold anything against me for cutting Justin off for a little bit told me that she would never stop loving me. I was still like a son to her, and I’d never been more thankful to have her in my life.
It was very different from the way I felt about my own mother. Once the news about my relationship status had reached her ears, she’d become nearly impossible to deal with over the phone. All she would ask me was if I was dating a nice girl, what her name was, and where she worked. I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t really ready to introduce Tarin into the family so quickly. Although I knew we were closer than ever, Tarin and I still hadn’t been dating for very long. I didn’t know if I was ready to take that step, to tell my family her life story. More importantly though, I didn’t know if she was ready for me to do it either. Tarin still hadn’t mentioned me to her parents, for all I knew, and I was sure that when the time came she would have wanted to talk to me about it first. The only reason my mother knew anything about the relationship was because of my stupid sister, who I’d informed out of pure desperation. I’d been stressed, Brittany had been willing to listen and so I told her...warning her to keep the information to herself.
Too bad southern women are also the gossip queens of the world.
I guess I shouldn’t be so agitated about it. I know I’ll have to talk to my mom about Tarin when I go home for the wedding anyway, and since I’m debating the idea of taking her home with me I should probably be telling my mom a lot more about what’s going on. But I don’t know. I guess I’m still bitter about how she handled my breakup with Elisha. She made me feel guilty, as if I had no right to end the relationship. The truth was, Elisha wanted out as much as I did. I couldn’t stay with her. Getting along had become impossible at that point, and now that we hardly see each other, we’re probably closer than we’ve been in a year. It’s good to be her friend, even if we hardly have time to worry about each other anymore. At least we’re both mature enough to handle a friendship. It’s probably the most I could have ever hoped for since our falling out. I know I can trust her, and the shit she knows about Kerri isn’t something she’s willing to go telling other people. It’s a good thing for everyone involved. If nothing else, at least Elisha’s discretion is working for Kerri right now.
I’d been antsy as hell on Monday morning, waiting for Melanie to walk through Justin’s front door. I mean, the weekend hadn’t been horrible. Justin and I got a long and spent some much needed time together. Granted there were points where he was being a whiney bitch, but I know it could have been a lot worse. An entire weekend not being able to sleep beside my girlfriend really did a number on me, though. I missed wrapping my arms around her at night, and hearing her giggle as I whispered something inappropriate in her ear. I missed talking to her for hours on end about nothing in particular, and wrestling her for the remote on my couch. It wasn’t a surprise that I realized how much I loved her over those two days, but I was a little bit scared. I’d been engaged for a long time, and it hadn’t worked out. I didn’t want the same thing to happen with Tarin and I, but deep down something was telling me that things were going to be different this time, that I had the chance to put all the bad shit behind me and truly be happy with someone.
I realized I needed to take that chance, no matter who tried to stand in my way.
Thinking about that made me realize how alone Justin really was. Of course he had gained back some self respect, and he had myself and his parents to confide in because he’d stopped shutting us out. But love was something he hadn’t had since...well...Britney was in the picture. I hate to admit it, and I can’t talk about it with him, but I know he never really loved Cameron. She was like this really hot rebound, and when they had first started seeing each other I’d cheered him on and told him to fuck her while he still could. That was when I lived my life with a different mindset. The naive one that didn’t think about the fucked up parts of the world, and humanity. When everything fell apart though, I guess I realized how unprepared Cameron was to support
Justin. I’d secretly wished Britney had been there then, because she would have gotten him through it, no matter what. It was the one and only time I’d debated letting the wall I’d built up against the girl crumble a little, and I considered giving her a call. But I’d come to my senses quick. It would have been too weird for Justin, seeing Britney after all of that. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it, and I would have been blamed for stressing him out more. Kerri had seemed to be the logical person to contact, and when she came out here I thought things were starting to work themselves out. The three of us were friends, and I figured we could just battle through the rough shit together.
I should have known on the very first day that I’d caught Justin and Kerri messing around, that it was all down hill from there. A relationship between the two of them never would have worked, and I knew that from the start. It didn’t matter that they’d been through hell. The point was she was too attached to Justin, and all he wanted to do was use her to cover up for his insecurities. In the end it failed, and it only damaged them more. I don’t even know if Justin will be able to manage a relationship again because of it. He’s fucked up, selfish, and deathly afraid of everything still. But the more I watch Justin and Melanie interact together, the more I feel like she’s the only one that could probably show him how to love somebody again.
It scares the shit out of me, because I know there’s a chance that things could get very, very bad for the two of them if they succumb to their emotions.
Mel had walked through the door a little bit after seven, seemingly surprised that I was already awake. I’d poured her a cup of the coffee that I’d brewed so it would be ready when she came in, and handed it to her with a smile. “I don’t want to sound lame or anything, but it’s really good to see you.” I’d chuckled softly, taking a swig out of my mug. “Did you have a good drive back?”
She took the coffee from me, a bewildered expression spreading across her face. “Trace...what time did you get up?”
I shrugged a little and laughed lightly. “Like five.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Can I ask why?”
“Well...” I’d looked down at my feet, feeling terrible about what I was really thinking. The truth was, I knew that Tarin was going in a little later this particular Monday. Her demotion had given her a little less work time, so she would go in for nine instead of seven. Of course she was still pissed off about the whole situation, and going into work later only made her feel inferior. I hated that she was feeling so shitty, and I knew if I hauled ass I could get to her before she left for work so we could do....things. If nothing else, that would get her to smile, and I loved to see her smile. “I was sort of hoping that I could get an early start, and go home for a little. I was going to come back later on so you could cook, like you promised.” I flashed her a cheesy grin.
She rolled her eyes. “Trace if you wanted to see your girlfriend you should have just told Lynn or something. You didn’t have to stay here.”
“I know. But he wanted to chill.” It was the truth. Justin had asked me to stay at the house in his own way when we’d went to get fitted for our suits. At first I’d told him no, but at the end of the day when he seemed so reluctant to spend the evening watching a movie with Lynn on the couch, I’d caved in. It had been a long time since I’d hung out with Justin that much, after all. So I told Tarin I was going to stick around Justin’s for the weekend, and that she could come over if she wanted to hang out. Of course, being as depressed as she was she told me she’d just find something else to do. I’d felt guilty. It killed me to leave her on her own so I could chill with Justin, but at the same time...I think I needed to do it for my own sanity too. Something about knowing how much he needed me reassured me a lot. It gave me hope and confidence for the things that were to come. I knew I could be a good friend to him again, and I guess that was the only thing I’d wanted since I’d told him about Shane. The more time I spent with him, the more distant the memories of what happened seemed to get. I felt like nothing had changed, because we were watching the same shit on tv and joking about the same stupid crap we always had. We were best friends. There was no doubt about that.
My life was back on track. Well, for the most part.
She’d sighed then and put down her mug, wrapping me up in a hug before I knew what was happening. It had taken me a moment to return her embrace, because I was in such shock. Up until then I hadn’t viewed Melanie as a hands on type of person. She always seemed so withdrawn and protective of herself. I guess Melanie had started to loosen up along with the rest of us though. Things were laid back enough. Nobody was fighting or debating stupid shit. Sure, Justin was confused about his feelings for the girl but I secretly knew that was all going to come together, just as soon as Melanie decided to let him in completely.
“Thanks for keeping him company,” she’d whispered, flashing me a gentle smile as she pulled away. “I know he was probably a pain but it meant a lot to him, having you here.”
I’d nodded, smiling a little. “I know it did. I missed you girl. Weird I know, me the asshole missing you hanging around, right?”
She’d laughed a little bit, but then got serious again. “You’re far from an asshole, Trace.”
She looked into my eyes then, and I found myself getting lost in her gaze, searching for an answer to her mysterious demeanor. Even though I’d spent a good chunk of time with the girl, I was quickly starting to realize I know next to nothing about her. What had she done before she came to work for Lynn? What was her family like? What did she really want to do with her life? I felt like asking, but I knew it would have been awkward. Hell, I didn’t even know if she’d been that open with Justin, so asking her questions like I worked for 20/20 was completely out of line. I figured I’d just have to wait for the right moment for her to spill her guts to me, and I looked forward to it. I looked forward to telling her about all the shit I’d been through too. When I’d found myself smiling at her brightly I knew I wasn’t just being nice to one of Justin’s friends, I was genuinely happy to be talking to one of my very own. Mel was a sweetheart. She was smart, funny, and knew how to hold a conversation. She was....
She was everything Kerri had been at one time and then some.
My smile faded.
“Hey guys.”
Justin’s voice had completely caught me off guard, and I’d whirled around quickly to come face to face with him. He had a puppy in his arms and another puppy was wandering around by his feet, but he seemed mostly oblivious to them both. His gaze was fixed intently on Melanie and myself, and the slight scowl on his face was telling me that he didn’t understand why I hadn’t gotten him out of bed to wait for her too. “Hey man, look who’s here,” I’d said, trying my best to be cheerful.
He nodded, but didn’t give her a second glance. “You didn’t wake me up, Trace.”
I didn’t understand him, and he was pissing me off. If he thought I had any intentions about getting with Melanie he was nuts. Tarin and I were together and he knew that, and Melanie was a nice girl but she definitely was too timid for my taste. “Because you were passed out, Justin. I’m going to get going in a minute, I just wanted to make sure she got in okay, that’s all.”
“Hey.”r32;
Melanie’s soft, sweet voice broke the tension between Justin and I for that moment. She’d stepped up to him and ran her hand down his arm with a small smile on her face. “You okay?” she asked him.
He nodded, and I could tell he was battling something inside of him. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but when he finally smiled at her and told her he was glad she made it home okay, I knew it had to do with his feelings for her. I realized Justin had a shit load of sexual aggression for Melanie looming inside of him, and it made him act like an idiot. The easy solution for me would have been to pull him aside and tell him to just kiss her and get it over with. But I would have be a fool. Being physical with someone was still a very sensitive subject to spring on him. Despite the fact that he was doing better, I knew he still thought about Shane...and what happened. Talking to him about taking that step with Melanie could have turned out pretty nasty and I knew I wasn’t prepared for a total Justin meltdown after the decent weekend we’d just had.
“Don’t be so grumpy.” Melanie had sighed and shaken her head at him. “Trace was helping, that’s all. You should be nice to him. He put up with a lot this weekend.”
Her comment got him to laugh slightly, and when he’d stolen an apologetic glance at me I knew he’d realized how stupid he was acting.
“It’s cool.” I’d yawned a little. “I’ll kick his ass later.”
“Hey,” he’d frowned. “It’s too early for you to be a dick.”
“It’s too early for you to be awake without coffee.” Laughing, I grabbed another mug from the cabinet and poured him a cup before he could completely lose his mind. “Put the dog down and drink up, Justin.”
He put the dog down and took the mug with a slight smirk. “I’m still up for a run, Mel.”
“Oh...” She glanced around the room for a minute or so, surely noticing the condition of what had been a clean kitchen on Friday night. She eyed me quickly and gave me a roll of her eyes before returning her gaze back to Justin. “This place is a mess Justin. How about we just cool it for today?”
He frowned. “Oh, all right.”
She started to tidy up the kitchen almost automatically, seemingly trying to drown out the fact that Justin was disappointed by her response. I had nudged him and told him to come watch some TV with me for a few minutes, but he’d just shrugged me off and leaned back against the opposite counter so he could watch her clean. I knew that was my cue to leave, but I guess my curiosity was getting the best of me. I wanted to hear what was going to be said, so instead of rushing home to fuck my girlfriend I decided to hang out in Justin’s living room instead. It was terrible of me, I know. But I’m pretty sure if the situation had been reversed, Justin would have had his face planted in my business too.
It took all of five minutes before I heard them start to banter back and forth, and I couldn’t help but smile. It was a ridiculous argument, and I guess I just knew then...that was it. They had completely fallen for one another, only they were both too stubborn to admit it.
“You know, the house isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be,” I heard Justin speak up suddenly, drowning out the sound of clinking dishes and shifting furniture.
“There’s mashed potatoes in the sink, Justin, and on the floor by the sink.”
“I was going to clean it.”
“If you were going to clean it, you would have done it before I came home.”
“You know, this is great. I haven’t seen you all weekend and you come home and pull this.”
“After the stuff you pulled with your mom this weekend, you should be glad I’m speaking to you at all!”
“I thought we were over that.”
“No. You were over it. I was just trying to have a nice weekend to myself. That doesn’t mean I forgot about it. You really pissed me off.”
“Mel...come on....”
“Don’t touch me!”
I jumped a little bit, the alarm in her voice scaring the crap out of me. It nearly caused me to get up and see what Justin had done, but I knew better. He wasn’t a psycho and I knew the last thing he would have done was hurt Melanie. He came bounding into the living room seconds later, and I couldn’t do anything else but stare at him as he threw himself down onto the couch, rubbing his hands over his thighs anxiously. “Justin?”
He let out a long breath, and glanced at me slightly. “I’m fine.”
I’d chuckled. “You sure?”
But he barely seemed to hear me. “Mel, look...” he’d yelled out, as he jumped up from the sofa again and raced back into the kitchen.
“You’re a pain in my ass,” I’d heard Mel speak up after several moments of silence. “Now help me with the damn dishes.”
The sound of running water and clinking dishes told me that their argument had once again ceased, and I figured it was probably the best time for me to leave then. It was obvious they were dealing with a few issues that I wasn’t a part of, and I had a few issues of my own to resolve as it was. I’d ducked my head into the kitchen to tell them I’d be back later on that day, and part of me wished I hadn’t. What I saw made me nervous, scared, and uncertain of what was really going on between them. They were standing at the sink, Justin had an arm snaked around her waist, and he was whispering something in her ear. I mean, it wasn’t anything huge, they weren’t making out, and they hadn’t gotten naked or anything. Still, it was a physical thing. He was acting like he’d fallen for Mel, and she seemed to accept it. Well, if she had known I was watching she probably would have changed her attitude real quick. But she hadn’t. Finally I was starting to see that soft side of Melanie. The one that I figured would take months to even get a small glimpse of.
It’s why I slipped out silently, instead of announcing my departure.
I was too late to catch Tarin before she left, so for once I decided to take a few hours and focus on work. It was weird. I hadn’t focused on my project in what seemed like years. Ever since I was a kid, all I’ve ever wanted to do was design clothes. When NSYNC got big, Justin actually gave me the opportunity to design a few of his outfits for the shows. We used to laugh and say that JIVE could have laid off their head wardrobe person and put me in charge, because everybody seemed to like my designs more anyway. I tried to make my own line of course, but nobody really wanted to take me seriously. As far as the industry was concerned, I was an unknown with a famous best friend. I remember Kerri and Justin used to wear the stuff I would design. Kerri even took it upon herself to bring some stuff home with her from time to time, and try to push it off on people.
Never did take off though.
This time it’s going to be different though. I’ve been creating a huge portfolio of designs for about two years now. It was easy to find time when Justin was recording, late at night on the tour bus, or even in my hotel room. All I had to do was focus and draw. It calmed me down a lot of the time, especially when Justin was getting on my last nerve and Kerri was swamped with school work, preventing me from venting to her. Drawing and designing has always been sort of an escape for me I guess. But I really want my work to be recognized. I want to have a line that people actually believe in and want to market. But its hard. It takes a ton of money and effort. The effort part I got down of course. But money....well, I have money but I don’t really want to put my entire fortune up and lose it all if the line were to bottom out. I need a strong campaign and an unlimited money supply for a line, and I know that. I know if I went to Justin and told him I was still interested in doing a line, he’d probably want to help me too.
But I know I wouldn’t get credit from the public for a thing if Justin’s name was backing it. People would want to wear the line because it was “Justin Timberlakes” not “Trace Ayala’s sweat and blood”. It’s why I haven’t mentioned my interest to Justin yet, and honestly I don’t know if I will. He can barely manage his own career, let alone help me with something I want to do. It’s fun though, just working on shit. It gets my mind off of things...
Like Kerri.
I promised myself I was going to let Kerri be after the last time I talked to her. I know she’s smart and can figure shit out. Sure she’s messed up, and she’ll never be the same person, but I cant be the one to figure her life out anymore. The fact that David was probably taking advantage of her scared me. I know how badly he hurt Tarin, and well...I’ve known Kerri most of my life and even though she’s turned into a pathetic version of the girl I used to know and love, I still won’t stand by while somebody she barely knows manipulates her. I thought I had warned her enough the night I picked her up and took her to dinner. Kerri seem to get it, that David was just an asshole that she needed to stay away from. But when more time had passed, and Tarin came home in tears one afternoon I learned very quickly that Kerri hadn’t taken me seriously at all.
David had been egging Kerri on that day, convincing her that it was okay to treat Tarin like a piece of garbage and order her around like a slave. Tarin told me that Kerri had lingered on his every word, seeming to be terrified of disagreeing with him whatsoever. I didn’t know whether it was stupidity or selfishness that had made her do all of that, but it didn’t matter. She had fallen into his trap, and she was going to have to find a way to get out of it. I promised myself I wasn’t going to get involved, that I had done my part and now it was her turn to figure it out. Of course, deep down the guilt was plaguing me. I didn’t want to see Kerri get hurt again. I wouldn’t be able to deal with it and fuck, I knew that she definitely couldn’t be dealt another blow.
Just as I was about to tell Tarin that I was going to have to have another conversation with Kerri about the situation though, she told me something that I hadn’t really been prepared for. Something that made my emotions flare up, nearly causing me to throw something or punch a wall.
“He told Kerri to go outside,” she began in a quiet voice. “And I just figured he was going to say something stupid, because he was pissed you know? I talked back to him in front of somebody else, and he’s always hated that.” She trailed off then, giving herself a minute or two to catch her breath and wipe the tear stains off of her face. “I just...I just can’t handle him anymore Trace. I can’t handle him saying things like this to me anymore.”
I balled my fists tightly at my sides. “What’d he say to you?”
She shook her head and sobbed a little bit. “It’s not important.”
I stepped forward then and grabbed her by the shoulders, a little more harshly than I would have liked to. I was just so angry that somebody had pushed Tarin that hard. She never cried, and I knew I could count on one hand the number of times I’d seen her so emotional since we met. “Baby please look at me.”
It took her a minute or so, but she finally managed to look me in the eyes. The tears were still gliding down her face in heavy streams, and her bottom lip was quivering so hard I thought her face might explode. “Trace, I--”
“You gotta tell me.” I’d leaned in gently and pressed my lips to hers for several seconds. “I know you hate to feel like you need me to step in and help you out with David and his bullshit, but your my girl.” I’d paused and flashed her a small smile, and thankfully it got her to flash me one in return. “If you’re this upset I need to know why.” I raised a hand to her face and wiped some of the tears off her cheek.
She looked straight into my eyes, and bit her bottom lip. “Do you think I date you for your connections?”
Her question was so ridiculous I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Tar, what the hell are you talking about?”
She shrugged again, and pulled back from me a little. “David had a point in what he said, Trace. He told me that I had only started fooling around with him because of who his father was, and that I knew he could get me further up the ladder at the radio station. I mean, I was seventeen. I didn’t care what I did or who I did it with. All the interns were doing stuff like that, I just got lucky with David. He stuck with me and helped me...as long as I kept him happy.”
“It doesn’t matter what you did,” I pointed out. “You were young, you didn’t know any better.”
She laughed. “Yes I did. I just didn’t care.” Her smiled faded and she let out a long sigh. “Hell, I didn’t even know what a real relationship was until you and I dated for a those couple of months. That was the first time I cut myself off from David for an extended period of time. He was pissed too, but he wasn’t in charge then so he couldn’t really do anything that terrible to me. After we broke up, I just plunged head first into work, and I got caught up with David again because I knew it would guarantee me a promotion. He didn’t count on me finding somebody that really wants to love me. He...he always used to tell me that he was the best I was going to get in this world. I was stupid enough to believe him, until you came along. Now he says that I’m just dating you to make my life easier. It just got me thinking. I just...i thought I loved you but....”
“Stop.” I silenced her quickly, before she could say something else stupid. It was clear to me that David was trying to manipulate Tarin at every turn, making her believe she was only being selfish and dating me for her own personal gain. Hell, if I hadn’t been so understanding she probably would have broken up with me right there too.
But I guess I’m not like most guys.
“But Trace....”
“You love me.” I took her hands in mine and stared straight into her eyes as I said it to her. “You’ve loved me since we dated years ago, and I’ve loved you too. Things just got a little messed up that’s all. We were busy, and too young to really take control of the situation. But now I’ve got you back where I want you.” I pulled her close to me and a moment later she had started to sob into my shoulder. “He’s not going to tear us apart. Nobody is,” I whispered it gently rubbing a soothing hand up and down her back as she cried.
“All I’m good for is sex.”
“Hey.” I pulled away from her so she was forced to meet my gaze again. “Don’t you ever say that.”
“That’s what David said. He said that the only real skill I had was being able to put out better than anyone else in the office, and he said when you figured out how much of a whore I am, you’d dump me and I’d be right back to where I started.”
“And you fuckin believe that?,” I’d scoffed, angrily.
She looked away from me, down towards the floor. “I don’t know.”
“Fuck Tarin, you’ve known the guy for years and you know what a fucking ass hole he is! I don’t understand why you’re standing here in tears, acting like I’m going to buy into the shit he says and leave you.”
“We have a lot of sex.”
r32;“We do other stuff.”
She rolled her eyes. “But we have sex almost every night.”
I’d crossed my arms and sighed heavily. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had somebody that I could connect with physically like I connect with you. I’ve been deprived, you know that I have. So why are you so shocked that we have such an active sex life? You enjoy it as much as I do, and jesus what the hell business is it of Davids how often we’re sleeping together anyway? Do you tell him this shit or something?”
“No.” She scowled. “But he knows what’s going on.”
“I’ve had enough,” I stated, seriously. “I want you to get another job.”
“How could you even ask me to do that?” she exclaimed, her eyes wide. “I’ve worked too damn long and hard to have to start all over some place else. It’s what he wants, Trace. He wants to drive me out so I don’t have a chance in hell of getting to the top. I”m not going to give in, or run away. I’m better than that.”
Her strength is what made me fall for her in the first place, and I had to remind myself that she wasn’t as needy as my previous girlfriends had been. If I’d left her the next day she would have been upset, but she wouldn’t have shut herself up in a dark room for a month. She would have been able to pick herself up and face work the next day, the next month and the next year without me. But I was afraid for her. I hated that she was upset and the situation had so little to do with me, beside the fact that it was making David pissed off as hell that I was having sex with her, that I couldn’t really help her out that much. “I know you are,” I’d managed, having a hard time looking her in the eye. “I guess...”
“I guess you just spent too much time babying Kerri,” she blurted out, angrily. “I’m not her Trace. I can take care of myself, and I don’t need you to treat me like her all the time.”
I glared at her coldly and shook my head a little bit. I didn’t know where she had pulled that out of, and she wasn’t making any sense. “I don’t get it,” I’d grunted. “I thought we were doing good.”
“We are, Trace. But sometimes you act like you have to protect me, and you can be really clingy. I mean, I haven’t seen my friends in a couple of weeks, and they aren’t exactly happy about that either. You don’t even ask if I need a night with my girls. You just assume that I want to live at your house most of the week. I didn’t blink an eye when you ran off with Justin for the entire weekend while I was fucking depressed. Hell, I probably did need you to stick around, but I wasn’t going to be selfish.”
I didn’t like Tarins friends, at all. I hated their superficial bullshit, and how they all judged each other by their clothes and status in society. Out of all of them, Tarin was the only decent human being in their group. I didn’t want to say anything to her about it though, because I knew it wasn’t my place to. Sure she and Justin were cool, but I know it was probably awkward for her hanging out with him due to their past and the fact that she hadn’t spoken to him in years. I know I sort of threw him in her face, but she didn’t even seem to care because we’d had fun that day at the golf course. “Why didn’t you just go out with your girls on the weekend then?,” I’d snapped. “I’m not holding you back from doing shit on your own. If you want to go get shit faced with your fake ass friends, be my guest.”
“Fake?”
I’d turned away from her, and gone to the fridge for a beer, hearing her storming after me almost immediately. I did my usual thing...just opened the beer and pretended not to notice the enraged expression on her face.
“Trace!”
I’d guzzled my beer for a moment, before making eye contact with her again. “You heard me.”
“You want to talk about fake, look at your fucking friends! I mean...Justin? Come on. We all know how fucked up he is, and he plasters a smile on his face like everything is just wonderful, and he has the audacity to treat everyone around him like his servant. And I’m sorry Trace, but Kerri is probably the fakest person I’ve ever met. My girls have their faults, but I know how to handle them, and you have a hell of a nerve saying anything about them. You don’t even want to take the time to get to know them properly and you wont come around when I’m with them. It’s like you’re too good for us or something because of all the people you know.”
“Now you’re pulling shit out of your ass,” I’d said, angrily. “You don’t see it, but I do. You change when you hang around those girls, in a bad way. Why do you think I wanted you to get to know Melanie? She’s a good person, and I think you need somebody more subtle in your life. You don’t have to get so damn defensive, Tar.”
“I don’t need you to choose my friends for me. This is what I mean about you babying me, Trace. We haven’t been dating that long so I’ve put up with it, but I can’t imagine being able to tolerate this kind of thing for the long run. I can’t deal with somebody breathing down my neck like I’m at work. This is relationship not a corporation.”
She’d crossed her arms and waited for me to respond to her, but I just didn’t see the need. I didn’t want to fight with her, or anybody else for that matter. Too much drama had filled my life for months and I was just getting a little normalcy back into my life. I figured the best thing to do was walk away from the conversation before it got any worse, so I poured the rest of my beer down the sink and grabbed my keys off the table.
“What the hell?,” she’d said, stepping closer to me. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not going to stay here and fight with you,” I’d said quietly, brushing past her and making my way over to the door.
“So this is how you deal with things. You run away?”
My hand was on the doorknob, and most of me felt like simply turning it and walking out of the condo. I wanted to go for a drive and clear my head, but I started to remember Elisha then, for whatever reason. Toward the end when we had fought I would do the same thing. It didn’t get me anywhere but alone. I realized I was scared, and Tarin’s emotions were getting the best of her. It was tearing into us, and I knew I shouldn’t have been mad at Tarin, but more at David for trying to come between us like he was. I turned to her, and naturally she was standing there with a stone cold expression on her face. I knew her tears were gone. She wasn’t going to be the one to break down and reveal her weak side. She’d done it earlier on in the conversation, and now the normal, edgier side of Tarin had come back into play. “I’m not running,” I’d finally said.
“Then where the fuck are you going?,” she’d said, impatiently.
I sighed and threw my keys onto the table beside the door. “Nowhere.”
I went into my bedroom and called Justin up, who, even though he’d been reluctant to do it because he was trying to watch some movie with Melanie, agreed to get on Xbox live and play for a little bit with me as long as she could join in. Of course I didn’t care, I was even a little excited about the fact that Melanie was interested in playing a video game with our crazy asses. I didn’t know what Tarin did during those three hours, but I didn’t really care either. I allowed the argument I’d had with her to melt away into the back of my mind, as Justin, Melanie, and I battled our way through some first person shooting game, cracking jokes to each other over our head sets. Funny, he didn’t ask me what was wrong, even though I could tell he knew something was off when I called him up. But he was being my best friend, like he’d always been, and he just wanted to kick back so we could all have a good time. I don’t think I could have asked for anything more from him, or from Melanie for that matter. She was turning into such a chill, awesome person to hang around, and I was starting to hope that she could accompany us back home to Tennessee. I knew once the awkwardness from meeting our families subsided she’d only make the time we spent there more entertaining than it could have been otherwise.
By the time we finished playing, Tarin had already fallen asleep in the spare bedroom. I was thankful that she hadn’t left, and part of me knew that she probably wouldn’t have cared if I’d gotten into bed and wrapped my arms around her. But I just wasn’t comfortable doing that. We’d had our first official fight and I just didn’t think waking up next to her would have been the best idea, so I fixed myself a place on the sofa and eventually managed to drift off to sleep. When I woke up, she’d already left for work, and I considered calling her until I found the note taped to my front door:
We were both out of line last night. I’m leaving work early today, lets have dinner.
I love you.
I’d smiled a little bit, knowing that she was getting over what happened and I needed to do it too. I went about my day without much weight on my shoulders, having lunch with my sister and stopping by Justin’s afterwards to have a couple of beers on his back porch and vent my woman problems to him. It was nice that he was able to listen to me for once. It was a big change for us, and I was beginning to view him as the same person I’d been out on tour with just a year ago. That guy that had answers, and the best way to tell me to calm the fuck down without insulting me. I was glad because I knew I needed him. As much as I have my act together, I do tend to worry too much and Justin had always been able to mellow me out in the past. I missed having someone to turn to, and I’m relieved that the bad times between us are basically over and done with.
I didn’t hear from Tarin until almost three fifteen, when she texted me to say she was back at my place. Justin and I said our goodbye’s and I drove home to meet her, the tension immediately rising in my chest the moment I stepped through the door. She was sitting on the sofa, watching the TV, biting her thumbnail nervously. I knew she’d been waiting for me, and it made me smile to know that she was just as uneasy about the situation as I was.
“Hey.”
She’d looked up at me, and managed to smile. “Did you get my note?”
I’d nodded and sat down next to her, forcing myself to put my arm around her after a few moments. “Yeah, I did.” I smiled a little and pressed a gentle kiss on her lips, the tension immediately fading away as her skin hit mine. “I love you too.”
We watched TV for awhile, debating where we should go for dinner during commercial breaks. Naturally, we couldn’t agree on anything. I didn’t want to go where the crowds were, and every place she suggested was a hot spot. Eventually I caved in and said I’d cook something instead. There was more than enough food in my refrigerator, and the fact that I was cooking seemed to make Tarin happier than she would have been if I’d taken her someplace anyway. I was in the middle of seasoning up some chicken thighs when I’d felt her come up from behind me and wrap her arms around my waist, and it caused me to smile and laugh, “I cant touch you with my chicken germ hands.”
She’d giggled softly. “Work was weird today,” she’d said casually. “Weird but good.”
I’d paused, as an awkward feeling began to take over me, and washed my hands quickly so I could move her arms from around my waste to turn and face her. “Weird how?”
“Kerri and David weren’t at work today. I mean, that was great. My day went really smoothly, and I got to leave early. I just figured you’d want to know that she was probably spending her day with David, or at least going out with him tonight.”
I cocked my head to the side in confusion. I couldn’t figure out why she cared, but I guess she was just trying to tolerate my relationship with Kerri as much as she could, probably hoping that I would tolerate her friends in the same way. I wouldn’t throw that in her face though. I was through fighting and I knew that sometimes...Tarin could act childish in order to get over a rough topic or issue she was having. I didn’t want to be, but of course I was concerned for Kerri too. I knew she didn’t know what she was getting herself into. Part of me wanted to drive to Susan’s and give the girl hell, but I knew that was out of the question. I wasn’t about to fuck things up with Tarin more. All I really wanted to do was spend a nice quiet evening with her at home. “Whatever, babe.” I’d kissed her softly on the cheek. “Let her do what she wants.”
Tarin seemed delighted with my response, and excitedly started to set the table and ramble on about what she wanted to do on the upcoming weekend. I think she said something about getting together with her parents because they were having a barbeque, and I would have liked to focus on that because that whole idea scared the shit out of me. But my brain couldn’t rid itself of Kerri...about how she was going to fuck herself over in a matter of a few days. After dinner and light make out session, I made it a point to sneak out onto my back porch and text her, hoping I wasn’t too late, and that she would rethink what she was doing if she knew I still cared about what was going on.
I heard you’re going out with David tonight.
I pressed send, praying she’d at least tell me off so I would know she was still thinking straight.
But she never answered.
It angered me a lot. One think Kerri never did was ignore me, and knowing that she had made me want to cast her aside for good. I made it a point to make the rest of my evening all about my girlfriend and how happy she made me. We didn’t make it through our evening movie. Halfway through we wound up naked in my bed, having a really great round of make up sex. It wore us both out, and we were passed out before eleven. It was a good feeling. Things were okay between us, and I didn’t have to worry. She may have been a bitch at times, but she was spunky, independent, and focused on her goals. She was the type of girl I needed to have in my life, and I couldn’t have been any deeper in love with somebody.
I was having a really great sex dream when the shrill sound of my cellphone had broken through, jolting me half awake. I’d fumbled around for the phone in the dark, and I could hear Tarin groaning and mumbling incomprehensible obscenities to herself due to the noise.
I’d finally managed to grab the phone and held it up to my ear, grumbling some form of a hello. “Mmm...’lo?”
“Trace?”
I sat up in bed, and for a moment I sort of just took it all in. It was the middle of the night, and Kerri had decided to call me. I wanted to yell at her, but I was just so tired. Really, I should have hung up on her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that either.
“Who is that?,” Tarin seethed, tugging on my arm in the darkness. “Just hang up.”
I’d covered the mouthpiece with my hand. “It’s Kerri.” I flipped on the light and squinted over at Tarin, who had groaned loudly and yanked the blanket over herself.
“So--,” I began, more irritated than I’d been with her in awhile. “You ignore my text but you call me at midnight. Are you okay?”
Her hesitation proved to me that she knew I wasn’t happy about her calling. I was glad she was getting it but at the same time a feeling of dread was beginning to take over me. I knew something had gone wrong, and she was calling me up to help her out. What exactly had gone on though, I didn’t want to find out. I knew that no matter what, it would piss me off. It had to do with David for sure, and I never had wanted to beat somebody’s ass so bad before in my life.
“I’ll be fine, but I need a ride,” she said, sheepishly.
I ran a hand through my hair. “Where are you,” I grunted.
Tarin poked her head out from under the covers and stared at me, like she knew exactly what was going on. I tried not to make direct eye contact with her, but I wasn’t having much luck. Her stare was icy cold, and it seemed to penetrate into me...deep down where I could feel it the most. I felt like shit, and I knew I was letting her down, but there was nothing I could do. I knew I couldn’t tell Kerri I didn’t care, because it would have been a lie.
As much as I hated myself for it, I still cared about that girl a hell of a lot.
“It’s a club called Era,” Kerri sighed. “Don’t hate me okay?”
I rolled my eyes. “Just stay there. I’ll be down as soon as I can.”
“Trace, I--”
I flipped the phone shut before she could start to cry and carry on about how stupid she was. I was too tired to hear it, and she had no one to blame but herself for the hole she’d dug for herself. I started to feel sick, knowing just how bad things were getting for her, and that I couldn’t bail her out like this anymore. She was stranded, so I would help her one last time, but I was seriously considering changing my phone number afterwards. I started to get out of bed tiredly, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and nearly forgetting that my girlfriend was still in the bed too, until she finally said something to me.
“What are you doing? Don’t worry about Kerri. Come on, come back to bed, baby.” She’d smiled and smoothed her hand over the empty spot beside her.
“I have to go get her,” I’d grumbled, immediately knowing that the situation was about to turn from bad to worse. I’d grabbed my boxers and jeans from their places on the bedroom floor and started to yank them on, along with my tee shirt.
“Wait...what?” She’d stared at me, a shocked expression on her face. “Excuse me?”
“I’m have to,” I sighed. “I can’t just leave her there.”
She folded her arms, and began to pout. I usually found it cute when she did this, but I was sort of fed up with her attitude then and I wasn’t able to react the same way. “Tarin--”
“Screw you.” She turned over on her side, so her back was facing me. “We just had sex and you have the nerve to run to her rescue?”
“She’s a friend.”
“She’s a psycho, Trace. A psycho who stole the job that I’ve fucking earned.”
“Damn, she’s confused. I already told you, she’s going to give the job up once she realizes what David is trying to do. She’s not qualified enough for it, and she’s going to figure that out real quick.”
She slapped a hand down onto the mattress. “Why don’t you just stop making fucking excuses for her and go pick her up, because that’s what you want to do. The fact that she’s part of the reason I’m miserable clearly isn’t an issue to you.”
“I’m only doing it because...”
“You’re doing it because you let her control you, Trace. End of story.”
“You know what, maybe I’ll just sleep at Justin’s.”
“Don’t bother, I’m going to change and leave.”
“Fuck, come on baby...” I’d slid back onto the bed and reached out to touch her, but she’d quickly flipped back over, an angry expression on her face.
“Save it.”
“Tar.” I’d stroked her face with my hand. “Please don’t make this out to be more than it is. She’s stranded. I’m giving her a ride. If you were in my place, you’d do the same thing.”
“No I wouldn’t.” She’d defended. “Not when the person I was picking up was as deceitful and selfish as she is.”
“Babe, you don’t know her like I know her.”
“So that makes it okay?”
I”d groaned, giving up, and forced a kiss on her lips, which she barely accepted. “I’ll be back. Please don’t leave, all right?”
“I don’t want to deal with this, Trace. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with it at work. I told you in the beginning that I wasn’t going to tolerate her calling you at all hours to get her out of a bind.”
I’d sighed, knowing that I had to come up with something really good to get her to change her attitude. I could have killed Kerri then. She was causing turmoil in my relationship that just wasn’t necessary. In reality, if I could have left Kerri there to suffer all night I would have, but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if something happened to her. I was going to make it clear to her though, that it would be the last time I’d allow her call me in the middle of the night because of some fucked up choice she’d made. “I love you.” I’d pulled her close to my chest then, and for whatever reason she allowed me to do it. “You gotta know that, Tar.”
She’d looked into my eyes then, longingly. I knew she didn’t want to be mad at me, but her strong personality was taking over her. It was because of Kerri and David that she was getting aggravated with me, but it still made me feel like shit anyway. “God. Trace, I don’t know....”
“I do.” I’d whispered to her, sweeping her up in a passionate kiss. “I love you Tarin. I don’t think there’s anybody else in my life, including Justin, that matters to me as much as you do right now.”
“Then why are you racing off?” she’d whined, a few tears sliding down her face. “Why can’t you just let Kerri take care of her problems herself. It’s not your fault she’s stupid enough to buy into David’s bullshit lies.”
I didn’t want to bring Kerri’s inner turmoil into our conversation, but at that very moment I knew I loved Tarin more than anything and I felt like I could trust her if I told her certain things. I knew she was lost too. She just couldn't’ fathom why I would be willing to get Kerri out of a bind at one in the morning if she’d been so nasty to the both of us. “She had a gun held to her head,” I’d told her seriously. “She thought she was going to die, and it seriously fucked her up. I can’t sit around and say she’s a bad person or that she can help how she acts sometimes. I just...I know she’s still lost. She doesn’t have anybody else. If she did, I wouldn’t think twice to ditch her. Please understand, baby. It’s the last time.”
She’d let out a long sigh. “I’ll stay.”
I’d smiled at her lovingly. “I’ll make it up to you.”
But she hadn’t said another word.
I’d quietly left my condo, and took my time driving into downtown Los Angeles. I wanted Kerri to have plenty of time to think about the shit she was doing while she waited. I wanted her to understand that it wasn’t convenient for me to come rescue her in the middle of the night, when she knew damn well she was taking a risk beforehand. I would have been able to understand if I had never met David before and my girlfriend wasn’t working for him. But I did know him, and I wasn’t lying to Kerri when I warned her about the type of guy he was. Why she hadn’t gotten what I told her through that head of hers, I’ll never know.
I found her sitting on a bench about a block away from the club. I hadn’t said anything to her, and I even thought about leaving her there for a split second. She’d turned around though, killing that plan quickly. “Hey,” she’d spoken up gently.
Her makeup was smeared all over her face, due to the tears that she’d shed. It disgusted me. For the first time in my life I had absolutely no sympathy for her. I could feel the anger building up inside of me at a rapid pace, but I didn’t want to start screaming at her in the middle of the street. There were photographers lurking around, and the last thing Kerri and I needed was a tabloid spectacle
“Come on, let’s go,” I’d grunted it at her, and walked away, expecting her to follow behind me. I had every intention on beating her to the car too, just so I wouldn’t really have to look at her. But when I heard her break down in a fit of tears, I knew things couldn’t be that easy. She was a mess. I was the only one around for her, and I guess that bared some sort of responsibility when it came to giving her a little compassion over the situation.
“God, Ker. Come on.” I’d sighed and wrapped my arms around her so I could help her to her feet. “Come on, you’re okay.”
Naturally she started to cry into me, telling me how sorry she was. I didn’t want to deal with it, I wished I could have just walked away. But I just started to think about how it was Kerri, and how much I used to love her at one point in my life. I asked myself how the hell I could have lost her, and why she had to get fucked around with and messed up. I fucking missed my Kerrigan. I missed her more than she could know. But there was nothing I could do to get her back, because she was lost. She’d been replaced with a strange, moody, selfish girl, who I was done trying to mold back into my best friend.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
