I think my cat feels neglected. She’s been sitting up on a ceiling beam all day, looking down upon me like I’m the scum of the earth. I tried to coax her down with everything from her favorite jingly toy, to an entire open can of tuna fish, and she still won’t budge. I guess I should be able to understand. If I was left alone in a house for a weekend, with a strange temperamental guy coming to feed me at random times throughout the day, I’d probably be pissed at the world too. But it’s been a week now, and I thought she would have gotten over the fact that I was gone. She’s not though. Damn cat is stubborn as hell and I guess maybe I can understand because I’d never separated myself from her before last weekend. I don’t know why I thought she’d be okay as long as Justin took care of her.
She hates Justin.
While my feelings didn’t go that far, I was pretty pissed off at him when I walked into a trashed house on Monday morning. Naturally Trace didn’t explain or try to apologize and I guess it’s because it wasn’t his house or his responsibility to make sure Justin cleaned up after himself. I know Trace is tired of playing Justin’s babysitter at this point, because I’m sure that’s what he was at one time. Naturally I took my aggression out on Justin, because a. He knew better and b. I was still pissed off at him for lying to his mother.
I was terrified that I might be forced into going home with him. I wasn’t ready to be around so many people asking me a million questions about Justin. There was so much they couldn’t know, and so much that I had kept from those closest to him. I didn’t understand how he could expect me to put up with all of that, and when we were arguing in the kitchen I made sure to let him know exactly what I was feeling. I yelled a little bit, and I’m sure Trace had been able to overhear that part because he’d only been in the next room over. At one point Justin had tried to grab my hand to calm me down but I was too angry to focus on why he was touching me. All I knew is that he was, and I really, really didn’t like it.
“Don’t touch me!” I’d practically screamed, causing him to back away from me with a sorrowful look on his face. At that point I didn’t care how I made him feel. I was livid, and I’d stepped in some mashed potatoes which had only pushed me further to the edge. He’d walked into the next room after that, and I figured he was probably going to complain about me to Trace. I felt like just saying the hell with it, and go back to Susans. At least there I wouldn’t have had to be so upset at seven thirty in the morning.
“Mel look...”
I’d heard his voice booming from the living room and it made me feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he was coming back to dish out more shit to me. He burst through the kitchen doorway a moment later. I expected to see a Justin full of anger, but all I got was a sorrowful looking, apologetic one. He stood before me for a moment, his hands in his pockets, biting on his bottom lip like he didn’t know what to do.
“What, Justin?” I’d turned back to the dishes in the sink and started to wash them, hoping that he wouldn’t come over to me.
But I was stupid to think that he wouldn’t.
I felt a strong arm snake itself around my waist a moment later, and before I could pull away...tell him that I was uncomfortable, I felt his hot breath in my ear telling me how sorry he was, how much he missed me, and how he never meant to disappoint me. I really tried to find solace in the pan I had been trying to scrub free of some sort of residue, but I found that I couldn’t focus. He still felt so...damn safe, and I realized that I had been longing to feel his touch for weeks. Probably since that night I fell asleep on his chest. I turned to him, and met his gaze, not being able to hold back the small smile that appeared on my face a moment later. “I...I missed you too.”
The sadness in his eyes faded away as the wide smile spread across his face. He’d looked over his shoulder momentarily, probably to see if Trace had been eavesdropping, and once he was confident that we were alone, he put his other arm around me and pulled me closer to him. “Don’t leave anymore,” he smiled. “It drives me crazy.”
I tugged away from him because he was getting entirely too close to me. He was acting like I’d been gone for a month, not just a weekend and I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Sure, I’d missed him a lot, despite the fact that I was annoyed with him part of the time I was away. I couldn’t deny that I was slightly addicted to him, possibly halfway in love with him...or something like that. But having his arms around me was something I wasn’t ready for with any man, not just him. “You were fine this weekend.” I’d said, trying to laugh off the awkward feelings I had inside of me. “Let’s just clean up, okay?”
“So you’re not mad at me anymore?”
I turned on the faucet and continued washing the dishes. I didn’t know what to tell him, because I was still aggravated about the Tennessee issue. At the same time though, I was tired of all the drama going on between us. I wanted to have a casual first day back at Justin’s house, but he wasn’t making it easy. “You know I don’t like what you did,” I finally managed to get out after several minutes of awkward silence. “But there’s nothing I can do about it, so there’s no sense in holding a grudge against you. Just think next time, Justin. Please.”
“I was caught up in the moment, Mel.” He grabbed the broom and dustpan out of the corner and started to sweep the kitchen floor. “The whole idea of you coming home with me just...I don’t know, it makes me feel good.”
“You’re afraid to go home,” I’d told him with a shake of my head. “That’s why you want me there.”
“It used to be,” he agreed as he swept a pile of dirt into the dust pan. “But things are different now.”
I shut the faucet off and turned to face him. I could feel myself start to get very nervous in a matter of seconds, because he was right. Things were different...so much different. I was looking at somebody who had been a shell of himself just weeks before. Now he was confident, almost too confident. He was looking at me like he could tell I knew he’d changed, and that I liked that change. I hated that he could read me like that, because nobody had ever been able to do that with me, even when I was normal. I felt like I’d suddenly let my walls crumble down into dust, and I was an open book. That scared the hell out of me because I knew that it wouldn’t be hard for him to read into me even deeper...to find out what I really was...
What that bastard had done to me, and turned me into.
“I don’t get it.” I’d said, trying to laugh it off like what he said was pointless. “Things are the same with us. You’ve just decided to rejoin humanity. And that’s good Justin, I should go to the store and get a package of gold stars for you. You’ve earned them.”
“Has anybody ever experienced this cocky side of you Mel? I like it. It’s sort of spunky...among other things.”
I’d turned my head and I wished I hadn’t. The smirk on his face and the mischievous gleam in his eyes was undeniably sexy. It could have been a cover of a magazine at the checkout line in a grocery store and I would have bought it because I would have found myself hopelessly lost in him. I hated it. I hated him. I hated the fact that I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, and that I was too afraid to just...do it already. Hell I knew I wanted to. Yeah, it scared me and made me want to puke, but I couldn’t just stand around and lie to myself anymore. I had to stop looking at him because the feeling started to get so unbearable, and I just fucking knew by the laugh he let out a moment later that he’d been able to tell exactly what I’d been thinking in that moment.
“I’m not being cocky,” I’d muttered.
I suddenly felt his hands on my shoulders, and he gave them a few gentle rubs before leaning over and smiling in my face like a nerd. “Come on, let’s go watch TV or something. I’m too tired to clean, and I know you are too.”
I’d stood there, frozen, as I watched him shuffle into the living room like he didn’t have a care in the world. Moments later I heard the TV blaring and I knew he either didn’t care that I was an unstable mess, or he did and he was just waiting for me to cave in and tell him I was. That way he would know it was okay to start prying into my backstory...my secrets. Things I wouldn’t dare try to press him about if it was the other way around.
Oddly enough, when I did finally decide to join him on the couch he didn’t try to pry anything out of me. His eyes had been gleaming as he excitedly told me about the episode of Jerry Springer that was coming on, and I realized I couldn’t feel awkward sitting next to him. Not when he was that excited about watching midgets propose to their porn star girlfriends. No it wasn’t exactly my subject of choice, but I figured since I made him watch all those soaps with me, I could put up with some morning talk show garbage for his sake. After all it was getting him to smile, and from day one that had really been the only goal I’d set for myself when it came to Justin.
I just wanted him to smile everyday.
The puppies, who Justin now fondly refers to as “the kids”, were jumping all over me the moment they realized I’d come back. It was like I was their owner and I’d been gone for years, even though I tried to make sure they spent the bulk of their time with Justin. I didn’t want them to become hopelessly attached to me, in case something happened and I had to leave. I guess I just don’t understand dogs though. Cats are totally different because they love, but they don’t cling. Dogs just love who they’re with unconditionally...follow you around and annoy the crap out of you when you’re trying to focus on something other than them. I can’t deny that they’ve grown on me, and I was a little worried about them while I was away because I really didn’t know if Justin would have neglected to take them for walks and such. To have them jumping on me, seemingly as healthy as they were when I’d left reassured me. It meant that Justin was taking responsibility for something in his life, and he was going through a permanent change. He was getting his life back, and while that made me feel good I didn’t know where I fell into it. Was I still just helping him, was I still just his friend? Or was something else happening? I knew there was, but I was too terrified to ask the questions or allow myself to fall into a trap where I’d be forced to admit my feelings to him.
For some crazy reason, Justin and I have picked up a sick addiction to x box. I mean, I always knew he had one. It seemed to be sitting downstairs by the TV completely unnoticed for the longest time, until Trace had called up Justin during a movie we were starting to watch, and asked him to play online with him. I really had no clue how to use the thing, and I wasn’t really interested in learning. All those games about shooting and blood and guts never intrigued me. I was better off with a magazine or a good soap opera digest crossword to fill up my free time. But when Justin had asked if I wanted to skip the movie and play a game with him and Trace instead, I hadn’t been able to say no. Really, I knew that if I told Justin I would have rather watched the movie instead, he wouldn’t have pressed the issue. But I could just tell by the look on his face that he was itching to play. I understood, it was a guy thing, and since I had been spending so much time with two guys in particular I was starting to become strangely aware of what excited them.
Okay, I guess I was kind of curious as to how an x-box worked too.
“What’s this for?,” I’d asked Justin nervously as he placed a strange looking contraption onto my head.
“It’s a headset so you can talk to Trace,” he’d informed me as he put one on himself as well.
My eyes had widened a little. “Trace is in the TV?”
Justin had laughed so hard after that I thought he was going to piss his pants. I’d frowned, feeling stupid but when he’d thrown an arm around me and leaned into me for support as he tried to stifle his laughter, I realized that I had no reason to feel that badly about it. I was having one of few very normal, dorky moments with Justin, and it started to make me feel good, started to make me realize what kind of relationship we were capable of having all the time if things were better...if we were better.
“You crazy kids ready?”
Trace’s voice had come over the headset suddenly, causing me to jump a little bit. I felt so behind the times, and I knew it was because I’d lived under a rock for about five years. Suddenly I was glad to have these two people in my life that I could call my friends. They seemed to teach me something new everyday, and brought out the side of me that had some spirit. I’d missed it. Trace, how I had underestimated him. I was glad that he was around now, glad to call him my friend. I could tell he knew I was closed off at times, but he gave me space...he never pressured me, and I knew that he was glad I was around for Justin. Granted, I was sure he knew my feelings towards his friend had changed dramatically from the time I’d started working for Lynn, but he didn’t seem to want to delve too deep into the subject. Sure, when I was at Susan’s he’d questioned me about it...but I felt like it was more for my sake than anything else. It was almost like he was trying to protect me from getting hurt, and that told me a lot about him because he didn’t know me that well, and he certainly didn’t know my backstory. I felt like I had gained a true friend in him, and it made me feel better about my entire situation with Justin.
I knew if I became completely hopeless and had no where else to turn, Trace would be there to talk to no matter what.
We played for hours, and I’d been able to pick up how the controller worked after the first couple of times Trace shot my solider to death and laughed in my ear. Justin had been there to walk me through the visual part of it, and Trace let me follow his solider around and shoot it dead a couple of times so I would get the hang of the game. I know it was just a video game and not really a big deal but...I think I had more fun with the two of them that night than I’d had with anyone in a really long time. At one point I’d glanced at Justin out of the corner of my eye and caught him staring at me with a cute little smirk on his face. I knew he could tell how happy I was, and it was making him feel good.
That was all I could have asked for at that point.
My mother called me randomly later in the week, enthusiastic as ever. It’s sad to say, but I’d nearly forgotten that she’d been working overseas for the past month. I guess I just didn’t have time to focus on her between Justin and well...my feelings about Justin. My entire life I never thought I’d think positively about the woman, but I’ve reached a point where I’m able to let go of my wrecked childhood a little bit and get to know her. The rape forced me to in a way. Well that and Susan’s persuasion. I couldn’t deny the fact that I was happy to hear from her, and I let her know that I missed her very much.
“Oh I miss you too,” she sighed. “But honestly honey I know you’ve been keeping yourself busy with Lynn’s son, am I right?”
She didn’t really seem to care if I missed her or not and I’d been able to feel the anger building up inside of me almost immediately. I began to wonder why the hell she even called, if she didn’t want to be bothered with my emotions. “Yeah, busy enough.” I”d muttered.
“Well great. I spoke to Lynn the other day and she just couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful you’ve been since you started the job. I”m really happy for you Melanie. I think this is a great new step in your life.”
Her enthusiasm was forced and I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, Georgia.”
There was a slight pause and I knew I’d annoyed her by using her first name. “I’ve asked you repeatedly to call me Mom.”
“I don’t feel that close to you right now,” I’d snapped. “You don’t seem to really care how I’m doing. You just want to be reassured that I don’t need you around. Well you know what? I don’t. I never did.”
“For Christ’s sake,” she grunted. “Stop giving me the third degree, Mel. I’m about to have the shoot of my career over here in about a week. Marc Jacobs has asked me to do the spreads for his fall line. Can you believe it?” She laughed happily into the phone. “I’ll be world renowned, Melanie. I’ve waited my entire career for this kind of opportunity. Now can you please stop pitying yourself for one minute and congratulate your mother?”
I laughed sarcastically into the phone. “Congratulations, Georgia.”
I hung up on her. The phone rang several more times afterwards of course, in her pathetic attempt to reason with me again. Naturally I ignored her calls. I wanted her to think about what she’d said to me, and how selfish she was being when I really did want to talk to her about how confused I was about Justin, and life in general.
I’ve never really been an angry person. Bitter probably more than anything. When my mom stopped coming around when I was a teenager I became bitter I guess. But I think I always knew that she would have done that to me anyway. That’s why I just moved on, went through high school, and didn’t give her a second thought. In my heart I knew she wasn’t worth being angry or bitter with. I had too much going on, and too much to lose by being negative toward the world. It wasn’t my fault she’d chosen to be idiotic, chosen not to get to know her own daughter or watch her grow up. If I hadn’t been raped, I probably wouldn’t even be speaking to her at this moment in time.
I probably wouldn’t know Justin either, and that’s so fucked up.
I had to be raped to semi fall in love with somebody.
“So he wants me to come stay at his house for awhile. I mean, that’s a good thing right? I really do care about him a lot, Melanie. My best friend thinks its a mistake and that I’m moving too fast, but he doesn’t really understand because he doesn’t know my boyfriend like that.” Kerri sighs. “Tell me I’m not going crazy.”
I smile to myself as I lean in closer to the mirror so I can put one of my earrings in. Kerri and I have been trying to keep in touch since I left Susan’s house. It’s only been a week but I’m really starting to miss her. After I’d managed to see past her hard exterior I realized what a fun girl she really is. Her text messages are usually filled with random bursts of humor that can always get me to smile, especially when Justin has decided to be stubborn. She’s another person that’s popped into my life that I’m glad to call my friend now. I think I need somebody like her. Tarin is a cool girl but I mostly tolerate her because she’s Trace’s girlfriend and I don’t want to make things uncomfortable between the four of us. Other than that we don’t have much in common at all. Kerri can understand my discomfort around others, and that I’m really a big dork who tries to act like I have it all together. I really wish we could hang out soon, but I know with Justin around I won’t have time for another trip to Susan’s for quite awhile. I’d tell him I’d like to have her over, but at the same time I don’t know how Kerri would react when she realizes who I work for. I like having a friend and I don’t want to make our friendship awkward so...I’ll just keep her at a distance until I know I can completely trust her.
“You’re not crazy,” I laugh into the speaker phone. “Kerri, if you really feel that comfortable around this guy and you care about him enough to live with him, you shouldn’t let your friend stand in the way of that. You need to be happy. The only thing I can say is, don’t move out of Susan’s unless your absolutely sure you don’t need her help on a daily basis anymore. I know what happened to you and....it’s not the easiest thing to forget about.”
“I already talked to Susan about it.”
I raise an eyebrow as I put my other earring in. “Oh yeah? What happened?”
“She told me that she knows I’m stronger than I let people think I am, and she said that she’s willing to meet with me weekly if moving into his house is what I really want to do. For some reason she has all this faith in my judgement,” she chuckles. “Sometimes I think Susan is the crazy one and not me.”
I’m a little surprised that Susan agreed to deal with Kerri on a weekly basis. When I had lived there, she wouldn’t have tolerated that sort of behavior from anybody living under her roof. Once you were out of the house, you were out of the house. Sure you could come and visit, but it wouldn’t be on the same terms. I think the one exception to that whole thing has been me. I don’t know. Maybe her outlook on things has changed since I left, or maybe Kerri is just one of those special people that Susan’ just can’t seem to say no to. I know I was one of those, but I never moved out until I was ready and I know Susan wouldn’t have done a weekly thing with me. Part of me is a little jealous that Kerri is getting her own way, but I know I shouldn’t be. I’m a strong person, and I have a better life because of the things Susan taught me. I shouldn’t be concerned because somebody else is getting a little bit of special treatment.
Maybe it’s just because Justin gets treated special all the time that it annoys me when somebody else I know gets treated that way too. I mean, nobody gives me special privileges. If Lynn knew half the shit I pulled with Justin, I’d be sent packing.
“Well if Susan is willing to do all that for you, I say you should at least give it a try if it’s what you really want to do, Ker.” I start to apply my make up, scrunching up my nose when I realize that I’m trying entirely too hard here. We’re going to Trace’s for dinner for the first time since I came to live with Justin. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but I guess since Justin and I never go out at all, this is the closest thing to a night on the town with him that I’m going to get. Not that I need to have a night on the town with him to be happy. I mean, I’ve been content just spending time with him here.
Okay I know I need to have some fun too. This house is starting to become suffocating, despite its size. Everything Justin and I do here is so damn routine. I’ve even been contemplating asking his mother for ideas of places we could go that wouldn’t make Justin uncomfortable, but I doubt he would be happy about me going behind his back, crying to his mother that I’m getting more bored by the day. I might talk to Trace about it, maybe try to find out if the four of us can start to do some more stuff together...like family game night. Yeah. I’m not lame at all.
“What about you and that boy,” Kerri asks. “You still haven’t told me if you guys have gotten anywhere. Did you tell him how you feel?”
I sigh and look down at the speakerphone, contemplating whether or not I should tell her how much of a chicken shit I am. I mean, I know she’ll listen and give me advice no matter what I tell her, but something inside of me doesn’t want her to see so much of my weak side. Meeting her at Susan’s showed me how far I’ve come since the rape happened and I guess I feel like I have to be the stronger person here. “Sort of,” I mutter as I look back into the mirror again. “We’re going out tonight so it’s a start I guess.”
“Ooo out on the town?,” she giggles. “Are you getting all slutted up, Melanie?”
I laugh out loud. “I wouldn’t say slutted up, but it is the first dress I’ve worn in about two years.”
“Take a picture with your phone so I can give you my input,” she suggests. “It’s always good to have a second opinion on these things.”
I roll my eyes and chuckle. “It’s just dinner with friends.”
“So? Girl, you know the better you look the harder it’s going to be for him to resist you. Trust me, I’m from the south. I know these things. If you put food and a good looking woman in the same room, men don’t know what to do with themselves. So what are you wearing?”
I sigh a little bit, wishing that Kerri could know the entire story. If she did. If she knew this was about Justin, she might understand why I’m not in a rush to make a big deal about dressing up to go out to dinner. But I know I can’t tell her, so the most I can do is play along instead. I apply my blush before backing away from the mirror and surveying myself. “It’s a cocktail dress. It’s too short but his mother bought it for me and it’s the only capable thing I have to wear tonight. I’d wear jeans but I know the other girl that’s going to be there is probably going to look a million times better than me.”
“Damn, you have his mother buying you clothes? This is deep, Mel. Real deep.”
I giggle. “It’s not like that. I work for her...” Shit. I really shouldn’t have told her that. But I didn’t mention any names so I probably shouldn’t be all that worried about it. Although, I know this will probably cause her to start prying into things that are none of her business. That’s the bad part.
“Mixing business with pleasure?” she chides. “Oh you’re bad, Melanie.”
“I am not!”
“You so are. You and that little cocktail dress. I wonder if she knows what your intentions were when she bought it for you.”
“It was just something she wanted to buy for me to thank me,” I say quickly. “I mean...okay, maybe I should change...”
“Oh God girl you really are paranoid,” she cackles. “I’m just fucking around with you. If it was me in your place, I’m sure I’d be wearing the same type of thing. Just send me a picture so I can give you some last minute input.”
I hear my doorbell ringing and I know Justin has probably come to see if I’m ready to go yet. For the first time ever, I’m the one who’s running late. It’s partially due to me taking Kerri’s call, but it’s also due to the fact that I spent over an hour making sure my hair was perfectly in place. I don’t know if Justin has noticed, because he’s always late for everything. But if he has, he probably thinks that i’ve lost my mind or something. “Okay I will. But I have to hang up now because he’s here, and I’m late.”
“I want full details about this,” she demands. “Got it?”
“Of course,” I chuckle. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow or something.”
“Bye, love ya!”
I click the phone off, and snap a quick picture of myself with my cell phone, sending it to her before I head to the door. She texts me within seconds, telling me that I look amazing and to ‘get it girl’. It gives me a small boost of confidence. Even though Kerri is messed up, she’s a really beautiful girl and I can tell she’s had her share of overly hot guys chasing after. I pretty much value her opinion on looks because I’ve been out of the loop so long that I nearly forgot how to make myself look good. My make up was a project in itself. I forgot which goes first...the base or the powder compress. I poked myself in the eye with my eyeliner. My hair fell out of place once or twice. I know Justin is probably wondering what the hell is taking overly organized Melanie so damn long, and I’m fully prepared for him to rip me apart when I open the door, because I know how he is about making Trace wait. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble and just worn the same old jeans and tee shirt combo I always do.
But something was telling me not to sell myself so short tonight.
I swing open the door to find Justin standing there, talking on his cell phone. He doesn’t look at me, and I think it’s because he’s too busy trying to handle who I’m assuming is Trace on the other end of the line.
“Seriously dude, you’re constantly late. When? What about that time when we were going to the VMA’s and you were busy fucking Elisha and I left without you? Yeah, well it happens, so calm the fuck down...I...”
He stops mid sentence because he’s noticed me now. He’s staring at me like he doesn’t know who I am and I feel my face turn bright red as I stare down at my shoes.
“I got it. We’ll be there in a few.”
I hear him snap the phone closed and it causes me to look at him again. I don’t really know what’s running through his mind because he looks so confused and flustered. I feel like a fool. “Sorry...”
He shoves his cell phone into the pocket of his jeans and clears his throat a little bit. “Ready?” He sucks in his bottom lip and stares at me for a moment, before quickly looking away again.
I just nod, and follow him out to the car. When I fish my car keys out though, he turns to me and shakes his head. “Justin?” I look at him stupidly, the fear rising in my chest. Maybe I look like a fool and he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t want me coming to Trace’s with him after all. God. A cocktail dress? What the hell am I thinking about?
“I thought we’d take the beemer,” he says softly.
The thought of driving one of Justin’s ridiculously expensive cars scares me to death. I’d probably be so afraid of scratching it that I’d end up driving five miles an hour. At that rate we’d never get to Trace’s house and Justin would hate me because I screwed up the night. “Oh I’d rather just drive my car, Justin. It’s really not a big deal.”
He shrugs. “Nobody said you have to drive all the time.” He fishes a set of keys out of his pocket and starts to make his way over to the black BMW parked in front of the garage.
I stop in my tracks and stare at him. For all the time I’ve been here, Justin has never once offered to drive us anywhere. I didn’t know if it was because of his antidepressants or his fear of the outside world that was making him too scared to get behind the wheel. In any case, I’m not used to this sudden change and I want Justin to crawl back inside his shell very badly at this point. I don’t even know what’s bringing this sudden change about. Maybe he’s just sick of being so confined all the time.
Maybe he thinks I’m a psycho in a dress and doesn't’ think I’m capable of driving us anywhere.
“Come on.” He laughs a little as he opens the passenger door for me. “Trace is hungry and he’s pissed because Tarin is making him wait ‘til we get there to start the steaks.”
I silently get in and fasten my seatbelt as he closes the door for me. He looks so laid back and casual, a world away from his prom queen looking date. Dressed in a blue and white plaid button down shirt with jeans and sneakers, he looks like he’s ready to go watch some football and eat buffalo wings while I look like I’m going out to a thousand dollar french restaurant. Somethings wrong with this picture, but he’s not saying anything to me about it. I do feel like I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb when we get to Trace’s though. I doubt Trace will be dressed much differently, and Tarin...well, it doesn’t really matter what she wears because she’ll make it look good and Trace will be all over her like a rabid dog.
The car ride is silent and relaxing. I always figured Justin would be the type to speed and play loud music, and maybe...maybe that was him at one point in his life, but not anymore. He’s cautious as he drives, his focus intently fixed on the road in front of him. His hands grip the steering wheel tightly turning his knuckles a brilliant shade of white, as if he’d lose control if he let go. I resort to looking out the window, partially thankful that the roads leading to Trace’s place are pretty scenic, and don’t leave the confines of the hollywood hills. I can focus on how I’m going to handle this evening, so I don’t come out of it looking like a pathetic excuse for the girl Justin has looked to for guidance for so long.
“You look really nice, Mel.”
For a minute I think that I’m imagining things and I chuckle to myself, wishing like hell that he really did say that to me. I think it would relieve a lot of the doubt I’ve built up about my outfit since we left the house.
“I’m being serious.”
I snap to attention and look at him, knowing that he really did just say that to me. My palms start to sweat, and I can feel my body tensing up as he flashes me a warm smile. “I...um, thank you.” I say it quietly, having to suck in my bottom lip and bite down on it before I allow something stupid to come flying out of my mouth.
He looks back at the road and sighs a little. “Nobody’s ever told you that you’re beautiful before?”
I clear my throat nervously and slide my hands underneath my butt so I won’t fidget with them stupidly. I remember once in high school this boy named Bobby told me that I was hot, and he’d like to take me out sometime. I’d laughed at him and told him that I wasn’t interested in dating. It was the truth. I hadn’t been. The only thing I’d concerned myself with then was succeeding, getting into a good college so I could have a great career and not have to worry about the fact that I came from a poor excuse for a family. “I never really...sought it out, Justin.”
He glances at me quickly, as if to say ‘are you fucking kidding?’. Yeah, I know I’m a freak. I wish he’d get it through his head so I don’t have to put him through all this confusion. Right now, I wish he’d somehow meet another girl. Maybe Trace could hook him up with somebody. Some secure, confident girl without issues, yeah. Then all I would have to do is look after his house and the dogs, while he moved on with his life.
But I know my heart would break at the same time.
“Well...” He bites his lip and lets his gaze linger on me for a little longer this time. “I’m telling you that you are.”
I feel myself blush and I really wish I could stop myself. But his tone was too genuine just then. Too honest. “Justin...”
“Please take the compliment,” he begs me. “It kills me when you shoot me down.”
He’s just made me feel awkward as hell but I deserve it. He’s a great guy who’s trying to win me over. The only guy that’s come my way in a very long time that I can relate to and all I can do is push him away, when he tries time and time again to show me that he’s starting to care about me. I hate myself for that. I wish he could see that he deserves better than me, but I guess...I guess Justin is simply too into me. He sees me everyday, and I grow on him more and more. It’s only natural that this has happened.
But I’m too stubborn to try and find out how I feel feel about him. I know I like him... A lot. I know I could love him if I took a good hard look at myself and how far I’ve come. But there’s still this huge part of me that wants to hide, that wants to run to Susan with all of my problems instead of being my own person. It sucks and I hope like hell that the bastard who raped me got his dick sliced off by someone so he can feel the type of pain I feel everyday.
“Melanie.”
It takes me several minutes of staring out the window to collect myself again. I manage to look at him, expecting him to be angry. But he’s not. His eyes are gleaming, and he looks like he’s about to crack a smile again. He’s just happy that I’m here with him regardless of how awkward the situation has become. This time, I manage to smile genuinely for him. “You’re beautiful too, Justin.”
He doesn’t ask me for permission, he just goes for it and laces his fingers through mine and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. A wave of alarm rushes through me before I’m able to calm down and realize that I’m comfortable this way. I manage to squeeze his hand too and glance up at him. He can’t seem to stop smiling.
And a moment later I realize that I can’t either.
We pull into Trace’s condominium complex minutes later, and I let go of his hand so I can check myself in the mirror.
“Tonight is just normal.” He puts the car in park and looks over at me. “Right?”
“Yeah.” I nod quickly even though I have a feeling that tonight is anything but normal. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
He shrugs and laughs a little bit. “I dunno. Maybe I’m just hungry and it’s making me act weird.”
“You always act weird,” I say, flashing him a playful smile.
“Hey. If I wasn’t weird I’d be boring, and being boring sucks.” He grins like a dork, leans over and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Come on, I’m starving.”
He gets out of the car like nothing even happened, while I sit here trying to catch my breath. The fact that his lips were on my skin just now has left me feeling so strange. I know it was just a little kiss on the cheek but still...I haven’t felt a mans touch on my skin in years. I try to determine how I really feel about it...good or bad. When I touch a hand to the cheek he just kissed though, I feel how red my face has turned. I’m blushing like a freak right now, and I know it means that I really really enjoyed that. A knocking on the window snaps me out of my daze, and look out the passenger window to see Justin smiling again and telling me to get out of the car. I nod my head a little and open the door before he can start to get suspicious. “Sorry,” I laugh. “Momentary brain lapse.”
“You’re forgiven...this time.” He eyes me slyly. “So, you wanna take bets on how long it will take for Tarin and Trace to ditch us to make out?”
“I give it an hour, tops,” I laugh. “What are the terms?”
“If you win, I have to make you dinner.”
I raise an eyebrow. “By yourself?”
“Crazy thought, huh?”
“Sort of,” I giggle. “I’d be interested in the outcome. And you can’t cheat and order expensive take out like he did in Mrs. Doubtfire.” We stop in front of one of the buildings, and Justin starts to climb a short flight of stairs leading up to what I’m assuming is Trace’s unit.
“I love that movie.” He calls back to me over his shoulder as he raises a fist to knock on the door.
I come up from behind him, so close that I can feel the warmth of his body. It’s a small space, and normally I’d feel very uncomfortable being right up on him like this. But for some reason I’m not shaking, or sweating...or anything. I’m actually comfortable, so comfortable for the first time since I can remember. “So if I win can you dress up like Mrs. Doubtfire and make dinner?” I whisper to him.
He looks back over his shoulder and chuckles. “Oh you’d love that wouldn’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“You’d make me go out and make a putty face too?”
“Hmm.” I stroke my chin playfully. “Well I guess you could keep your face, but the latex body suit is a must do.”
“That’s just bad, Mel.” He turns his whole body towards me now, and I know he hasn’t even knocked on Trace’s door yet. He’s smiling like I’m making him the happiest person in the world right now, and it’s so weird to me because all I did was tell him to dress up like Mrs. Doubtfire. I guess there’s more to how he feels about me than I care to admit, and when his hands go to my waist and tug me a little bit closer to him, I realize that I’m so totally out of the loop. He wants to touch me...feel me...whatever. I don’t know how long it’s been since he’s been with anybody, but something inside is telling me it’s been quite awhile. He’s looking into my eyes, like he wants to devour me, and I feel myself go rigid, knowing that the situation has gone from awkward to extremely uncomfortable in a matter of seconds. I pull away slightly, feeling terrible when I see the light fade from his eyes. “Justin, shouldn’t you knock?”
He looks at me for a moment like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but then he looks back over his shoulder and seems to remember where we are. “Oh...” He shakes his head. “Yeah, I guess I should.”
“Okay.”
He just stares at me.
“Justin?”
“Oh..”
He pulls completely away from me, an intense expression of confusion and fear on his face. I’m not exactly sure what’s running through his mind, but I feel like he’s just realized something about me. That scares me because I have no idea if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know I can’t ask, and I’m getting upset because I know the night won’t be anything but awkward between us. I shouldn’t sit next to him on the couch or at dinner. I don’t know what might happen, and I don’t want to fight with him anymore. I like being his friend.
I like when he tells me I’m beautiful.
Justin knocks once, and that’s all it takes for the door to quickly swing open. Trace is standing there, looking like he wants to murder Justin. I stare at him, and I know the fear is rapidly spreading all over my face. I’ve haven’t really seen Trace angry yet, and I can already tell that he’s not very pleasant when he’s in a rotten mood. I sigh. This night is getting off to a very bad start.
“What the hell took you so long?,” he snaps at Justin before standing aside so we can both make our way into his condo. “I didn’t eat all day because we were supposed to have an early dinner, remember? Four o’clock? It’s six fucking thirty.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Justin says with a wave of his hand as he plops down on the couch. “Your girl is the one who said you guys couldn’t start. Don’t blame me.” He picks up the remote and nonchalantly flicks the TV on.
“You really don’t give a shit do you?” Trace places his hands on his hips and shakes his head. “If I was late, it would be the end of the fucking world!”
Justin laughs and doesn’t focus his gaze on his friend. “Get another beer and sit down, Trace. You’re PMSing and it’s lame.”
“Hey Trace.” I speak up quickly, hoping that I’ll be able to break the tension in the room. I think once he realizes I’m standing here he won’t be able to act like this. It’s the gentleman in him that I’ve come to know a little bit, that tells me he can’t be a dick in front of a woman. It’s the biggest difference between him and Justin and a big part of the reason I feel so comfortable talking to him now.
He quickly turns, probably realizing he’d forgot I was here. “Oh...Mel, hey.” His cheeks turn a little pink as he greets me. “I uh...”
“You’re hungry, I know.” I nod a little and sneak a glance at Justin who is watching us intently now. “It’s basically my fault. I took forever to get ready, so if there’s anything I can do to make up for it just let me know, okay?” I give him a quick hug. “Now where’s Tarin so I can help start up dinner?”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at the floor for a minute before chuckling and meeting my gaze again. “Bathroom. Sorry for...acting like a dick, Mel.”
“You’re fine.” I pat him on the shoulder and smile at him.
“Trace, come on man,” Justin calls out. “Just come sit.”
It takes him a minute, but he finally manages a genuine smile for me. “Do me a favor and don’t disappear on us or lose your mind or anything like that,” he says softly so Justin can’t hear him. “‘Cause I’m starting to really like ya, you know?” He leans in and plants a tiny kiss on my cheek.
His little kiss makes me feel uneasy for the smallest of moments but it doesn’t make me feel like Justin’s did whatsoever. That’s good I guess, because I’m not attracted to Trace in that way. He’s my friend and he’s sweet but that’s it. I guess I’ve grown a lot this year though. If a guy I was friendly with had done that to me last year I would have slapped him in the face, sprayed them with my mace and called the cops. I have no idea why he just said all of that to me either, but for some reason it isn’t as weird as most people would make it out to be. He really, genuinely wants me to stick around. Not just for Justin’s sake, but for his as well. I smile at him. “I’ll do my best to keep sane, but with Justin it’s never easy.”
“I heard that, woman,” Justin speaks up playfully. “You’ve made it this far and you’re still coherent. You shouldn’t have any complaints.”
“Barely coherent,” I say to Justin with a roll my eyes, before focusing on Trace again. “Have you been doing okay? You seem a little jumpy tonight.”
“Eh...” He shrugs and laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck a little bit. “I’ll be fine. Tarin should be out in a minute or so, but Justin and I are going to grill. That’s the rule. The guys grill and the girls make all the kick ass finger food. That cool?”
“I think I can handle that,” I smile.
“Hey guys!” Tarin struts into the living room from the adjoining hallway, and I feel myself let out a relieved sigh when I find that she’s wearing a dress too. It’s nearly as dressy as mine is, minus the heels that I decided to pair with mine. She’s wearing flip flops, but I wouldn’t have expected anything else from her. She looks fabulous as always, making my self esteem lower just a little when she comes up to Trace and kisses him hard on the lips. “I told you they’d be here soon,” she giggles to him and rubs the side of his mouth a little. “Do you need more ice baby?”
I’m confused but only for a few seconds. When I peer a little closer at Trace, I can tell that the side of his mouth is a little bit puffy and he has a scab on his bottom lip. He stares back at me for a minute, his eyes wide with fear. I’m assuming something is wrong, but...it’s something that he didn’t want brought up tonight.
“I’m okay for now.” He pushes his girlfriend off of him gently and finally takes a seat on the couch beside Justin, who eyes him a little suspiciously.
“Ice?,” Justin questions. “What happened to you?”
“I fell,” he says quickly, eyeing Tarin like she’s the devil for bringing the subject up in the first place. “I got out of the shower the other day and slipped.”
“Man.” Justin laughs heartily. “You really are accident prone.”
“Fuck you. You broke your arm three times in the same year.”
“Hey, at least I did it dancing.” Justin points out. “I’ve never fallen getting out of the shower.”
Trace glares at him. “Sorry. I forgot how perfect you are for a minute.”
“Oh Jesus.” Tarin groans and shoots me a sympathetic look as she pulls me towards the kitchen. “Do you two have to bicker like children? It’s really sad. You don’t see Melanie and I doing that.”
“No, you women just go off and whisper in the corner about third parties. Gossip hounds.” Justin laughs.
“I say we just lock ourselves in the kitchen and eat all the stuff we bought for snacks, Mel. They can suffer,” Tarin winks at me. “What do you say?”
I snicker slightly and glance over at Justin. He’s laughing too, but I find that Trace isn’t. His arms are crossed sternly over his chest and he’s focused solely on the television. I can tell something is going on with him, and maybe when I’m alone with Tarin she’ll tell me what it is. I feel bad. Like, if I hadn’t taken so long to get ready tonight we wouldn’t have been late and he would have been in a better mood. But again, Trace acted like none of this is my fault. So what is it? What’s going on with him? Is he upset with Justin about something else? I hate being confused. I really do. “I say we cut them some slack,” I speak up, trying to brighten the mood. “After all, they’re only children.”
“This girl is great,” Tarin says, as she throws an arm around me. “How’d you pull her off, Justin?”
“I didn’t,” Justin sighs, nudging Trace a little bit in what I’m guessing is an attempt to get him to snap out of his funk. “My mom did.”
“Lucky for you that your mom has a good judge of character,” Tarin says to him. “Come on Mel, lets go be girly in the kitchen.”
They’re all talking about me like I’m Justin’s girlfriend and it’s the most awkward thing in the world. He’s playing along too, like it’s not really a big deal. That he can handle it and so can I. I can picture him telling me ‘its better than them asking why we haven’t gotten together yet, right?’ But I’m not ready for it. Not at all. Things are moving entirely too fast and I know it’s partially because Justin wants them to. He’s tired of being miserable, he’s tired of not being normal and I’m sure having a girlfriend would give him that sense of normalcy he so desires. But I’m just not the right girl for that kind of fast paced lifestyle. Only he doesn’t know that. He think I’m beyond my issues. That I’m strong, confident Melanie who can make him the happiest guy in the world.
But he’s so wrong about me.
“Yeah go ahead you two, we’ll start firing up the grill.” Trace gets up from the sofa and grabs an empty beer bottle off the coffee table. “Y’all can bring the food out when you’re ready. Me and J will just stay outside and get the steaks done.”
“Great!”
Tarin doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else after she blurts out her response. She drags me into the kitchen by the hand and excitedly starts to chat away about how much she loves barbecues. I can’t say that I feel the same way. The summers are really nice in Michigan, and when I was in high school a lot of my friends would go camping and stuff, but I never bothered to tag along. Most of my summers were spent volunteering for various programs, and youth centers. It gave me a sense of importance, especially when I could make a child feel wanted. Being wanted was something I had never experienced when I was that age, and if one less person in the world didn’t have to feel like I felt, I was satisfied.
“So, we should totally go out next week, the four of us,” Tarin chirps brightly as she grabs some ingredients out of the fridge to make what she calls her “special dip”. “There’s a new club opening up downtown, and I know it’s been forever since the boys have been out together like that. We should show them a good time.” She hands me an avocado out of the pair she pulled out and a knife to go along with it. “It’ll be so much fun!”
I stare down at the ugly fruit, not really knowing how to respond to her. Tarin is a nice girl, but she’s really naive when it comes to me. I don’t do clubs. I haven’t even been to a party since I was raped because I’m so terrified. I know Justin is out of that whole scene too. He doesn’t like crowds, loud noises, or strange places. I’d tell all of this to her but something inside of me is telling me she wouldn’t get it, that she would tell Trace I’m boring and paranoid. Given the mood that Trace is in tonight, I doubt he’s in the mood to be complained to by his girlfriend either. So I just nod and smile at her, figuring if she really tries to go through with the whole idea Justin will shoot her down anyway. “Yeah that could be good.”
She quickly changes the subject, probably sensing that I’m not really comfortable with the whole idea. “That dress is really pretty,” she smiles as she slices into the avocado. “I bet Justin loves it on you, if you know what I mean.” She winks at me as she scoops up the chopped fruit and tosses it into a bowl near bye. “I love doing shit like that for Trace too. He loves when I get all dressed up and make myself look irresistible for him. It makes him want to work for it,” she giggles. “You know?”
I hate to admit it. I really do. But Trace seems entirely too logical for this girl. Unless I’m completely missing something, unless Tarin just puts on a front for people so they can’t see the real person she is inside, I’d say that Trace was dating an easy to get into bed airhead. But maybe I shouldn’t jump the gun. I barely know a thing about her life or personality besides the fact that she’s Trace’s girlfriend, she likes to have sex with him, and she’s been friends with Justin for a while. She could just be trying to get on my good side and befriend me, or make me laugh. I know I haven’t really come out of my shell around her, and with her vibrant personality I know that my reserved behavior probably bores her. Still, she’s basically the closest thing I have to a friend now that I’m away from Susan’s. Kerri is too far away to be considered part of this whole group and Susan is too busy running the home to talk much. I know I should try to make more of an effort to find out more about her and let her know more about me.
“You’re a wild child,” I manage to laugh out after a moment. “I wish I could be more like that.” I finish chopping my avocado and dump my share into the bowl with hers which she starts to mash up with a big spoon.
“That’s what my sister says,” she chuckles. “Now that I think about it, you’re a lot like her. She’s in graduate school for some kind of science that I can’t pronounce. We don’t talk much, just at family get togethers. All she really does is tell me I have my head in the clouds, but...I’m still Daddy’s favorite anyway.”
I should have figured as much. Her sister studies hard and works hard, and is too busy to kiss their fathers ass, while Tarin parties, works and mooches off her daddy for money. It’s okay. I won’t put her down for that because that’s how she was raised. The thought of how she probably treats her sister kind of disgusts me though, so I feel like I need to get off the subject before I say something I’ll really regret.
“What are your folks like?” She puts some more stuff into the bowl and mixes it together without looking at it. “Pain in the ass or are they cool?”
I wish she hadn’t asked. I’m not prepared to get into the inner workings of Georgia and her fucked up parenting skills, my non existent father, and my old fashioned old as dirt grandmother who raised me. “My mom is okay. I don’t see her much,” I say quickly. “She’s always working.”
She eyes me suspiciously. “That’s it?”
I shrug. “Pretty much. I lived with my grandmother in MIchigan while my mom was pursuing her career until I was eighteen, then I went to live on campus at U of M.”
She nods, scooping a little bit of the dip up with her finger and puts it in her mouth. “Major?”
“Nursing,” I say quietly. I really want to get out of here, go outside and listen to Justin and Trace bicker with each other until the food is ready. I mean, I haven’t even told Justin much about this, but I’m going to stand here and talk to Tarin about it? That’s not the way I wanted to go about things at all.
She turns to me then, a confused expression on her face. “You went to nursing school but you work for Lynn?”
I feel my cheeks turning red and am forced to look away from her. “Well I didn’t finish and I needed a job, so my mom called in a favor.”
“Why didn’t you finish?”
Jesus. “I just didn’t have the right mindset for it. It was too much stress so I took my nurses aid test and settled for that.”
“What’s a nurses aid doing working for Lynn?”
Story Tags: justinandtrace
