I realize there’s a lot she doesn’t know, and that means Trace hasn’t told her why I really work for Lynn.  It’s another point for him, because I figured he would have told his girlfriend everything about me before we met.  But I guess I’ve underestimated Trace again.  I should probably realize that when it comes to Justin, Trace will do a lot to protect him from embarrassment.  “Well she interviewed me and thought I was really organized.  Since Trace wasn’t working for Justin she needed somebody to help with paperwork and things like that.  Since she trusted my mother she figured I was a good candidate I guess and we got along pretty well so...here I am.”

“Well,” she chuckles.  “I’m sure the pay you’re getting is better than what you’d be making otherwise.”

“Oh...yeah.”  I force a smile for her, even though I want to tell her that it’s not about the money.  But if I want her to stop prying into things that I don’t want to explain, I know I need to agree with her and try as hard as I can to change the subject.  “So is Trace doing okay?,” I ask quickly.  “He seems kind of off tonight.”

She rolls her eyes as she puts the bowl of dip on a tray and tears open a bag of Tostitos.  “He’s just a baby sometimes,” she laughs.  “He’ll get over himself once he gets a few more beers in him and vents to Justin about how annoyed he is that he didn’t get to eat until now.  I already told him before you guys got here that he better cut it out or I wasn’t going to lay a hand on him tonight.  Seriously girl, that’s all you have to do to get these men to eat out of the palm of your hand, especially Justin.  He and Justin are like the same guy, except Justin can act like an outright prick sometimes while Trace can hide it better.  We really should double date on a weekly basis.  I don’t know anybody else that would put up with Justin like I can, and spending too much time alone with him can’t be good for your health Melanie,” she cackles.

She really does think I’m dating Justin, and while I wish like hell that I was just a regular girl and could tell her that I want to “fuck the daylights out of him”, I know that’s not me.  Maybe at one time in my life I could have been that person, but the opportunity was snatched away from me by somebody who didn’t give a damn about anything in this world.  “Yeah, we’re really not toge...”

“Here take this out there to them,” she says frantically, ignoring my pathetic attempt at defending myself as she shoves the chip and dip tray into my arms.  “My buffalo wings are going to burn!”

I stare at her as she opens the oven and groans as she tries to salvage the chicken inside.  I want to go on and tell her that she has it all wrong about my feelings for Justin, but I doubt that she’d care at this point.  Really, I know the truth so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks.  It probably wouldn’t matter as much either if she wasn’t like...the only girlfriend I really have contact with.

I sigh miserably as I make my way out to the back deck.  The sky is full of brilliant pinks and purples as the sun makes it’s way out of the sky for the day.  It really is beautiful and I wish I wasn’t so stressed out so I could enjoy it more.  I eye one of the lounge chairs on Trace’s desk, desperately wishing I could sit down on it and tune out the world.  But I know it wouldn’t be accepted.  I’m supposed to be helping Tarin and having a good time socializing, so that’s what I’ll do.  There will be time to think and be on my own later on tonight.  

“Hey, it’s like do it yourself Hooters.”

Justin’s remark causes me to look up at the two of them, and raise my eyebrows in surprise.  They’re standing there at the grill, beers in hand, laughing to themselves about what was just said.  Trace kind of looks down after he sees the expression my face and pushes the steaks around with his long metal tongs.  But Justin is still staring at me, with that priceless look of innocence on his face.  He thinks he can get away with it, and that really makes me upset, but whatever.  I know he’s just showing off like always, even though we’ve discussed this before and he said he was sorry.  Hell, maybe I’m just taking him too seriously right now.  He’s just having some fun and I should lighten up I guess.  But I know I won’t.  I put the tray down on the patio table, and put one of the lighted citronella candles next to it in case the bugs decide to get curious about the dip.

“I’m just messin with ya.”  

I feel his arm snake itself around my shoulders and I straighten myself so I can look at him better.  He’s handing me a beer, and I roll my eyes at him.  “No thanks.”

“I don’t think she enjoys being messed with, Justin,” Trace speaks up after a moment from his position behind the grill.

Justin doesn’t remove his arm from around me.  He glances back at Trace and smiles at him.  “In my experience, girls love it when I mess with them.”

God.  Now I’m done.  I shrug his arm off of me and turn, half glaring at him.  He rolls his eyes at me like he really thinks I need to cut the serious act, but I don’t care.  I don’t have the same sense of humor as everyone else.  “Well this girl doesn’t,” I snap at him.

“Hey, it was a joke!”

I don’t pay him any mind, I just go back inside the house hoping that I can calm my raging emotions before I end up screaming at him like a psycho.  I don’t know who I’m more annoyed with.  Tarin for acting like I’m as big of a skank as she is, Justin for acting like a dumb ass, or myself for not being able to open up and kick back...laugh, and just be normal.  I think it’s a mixture of everything that’s getting to me right now.  I almost wish I could leave but I know how well that would go over.

“My wings didn’t burn!”

I look to my left and Tarin is standing there with a tray of wings in the one hand and some sort of cheese and vegetable tray in the other.  She looks so genuinely happy right now, that I can’t bring myself to give her more of an attitude than I already have.  I secretly wonder why she’s so happy.  Is Trace really that great in bed? Or is she just one of those people who is always happy no matter what?  I seriously doubt it.  Everybody has some kind of drama in their life.  But I guess she’s just a really great hostess.  “Oh, that’s good.” I force a polite smile.  “Can I help with anything else?”

“I’m okay.  But, I opened the window and heard Justin’s wisecrack about Hooters while you were out there.  He can be such a dick sometimes.  If you want, I’ll spit in his next beer for you.”

I laugh a little bit.  I know she means well, but there’s no reason to pull pranks right now.  It’s just not in me, and I don’t need Justin being all bitchy tonight anyway.  “No it’s fine,” I smile.  “He just doesn’t think sometimes.”

“Understatement.” She rolls her eyes.  “He’s a spoiled baby.”

“He’s not that bad,” I shrug.

“Ha!  Oh Melanie, I need to teach you a few things.  The next free day you get, you have to come out shopping with me and my girls.  I think you’ll come out of it refreshed with a new outlook on life.”  She hands me the veggie tray.  “Don’t worry, if he says anything else asinine tonight I’ll tell him off and he’ll shut up quick.”

I know she means well, but she doesn’t know the Justin that I know.  The one that can be sweet and caring.  The one that I rode over here with in the car.  He’s with his best friend now, and he never gets out so I shouldn’t be getting mad at him for acting a little immature, just as long as he knows to cut it out quick.  As far as going out shopping with her though, I think I’ll take her up on that.  I think I could use a day out with people my own age and gender.  If anything, it’ll probably allow me to loosen up a lot even though I’ll probably be nervous as hell at first.  “I think I’ll take you up on the shopping thing,” I nod.  “But don’t worry about Justin. I was a little annoyed before but I’m fine now.  I can handle him.”

Her eyes narrow.  “You sure?”

I laugh.  “Yes! Now lets go before all the steak gets eaten without us.”

“Good call!”

Trace and Justin seem relieved when we finally arrive and hurry us to sit down so they can serve up the steak.  Tarin gets up to help get it off the grill, but Trace basically forces her to sit down and plants a long kiss on her lips telling her that he wants to do it for her.  They really are cute, despite the fact that I’m not sure how they relate to each other relationship wise.  But I guess it’s not really my place to understand them.  They’re  our friends and they seem happy enough together, so I’ll leave that one alone.  Trace fixes up our plates, and in five minutes we’re all served.  Justin is sitting beside me and I feel slightly uncomfortable next to him just because of everything that’s gone on tonight, but once I taste the steak I start to forget all about my discomfort.  It’s really good, and I’m kind of proud of the two guys at our table for pulling off such a well cooked meal.

“This is so good, baby.”  Tarin says between bites, looking up at her boyfriend lovingly.

“I can’t take all the credit,” Trace admits after a minute.  “I marinated it with Justin’s grandmothers recipe.”

Justin suddenly looks up from his food and pauses mid chew as he stares at Trace.  “How’d you get that?”  He asks, a little uncomfortably.

“Called her,” Trace chuckles.  “She says she can’t wai-it to see you, J.”

“Great.”  Justin grunts, and looks back down at his food.  “Why’d you call her?  You could have just looked some shit up online.”

“Well, somebody should call the woman,” Trace defends.  “She was happy to hear from me and said it’s rare that her grandkids call her.  You know, she only has one.”

The table falls silent. I realize its a really touchy subject, and I know that Trace is trying to get back at Justin right now for being late, but it’s a really crappy way to do it.

“God, could you two just stop?” Tarin whines.  “All you’ve been doing tonight is pissing each other off.”

“He should have asked me,” Justin points out, as he pushes his food around with his fork.  “At least told me before he did it.  Christ, man.”  He looks up at him now, a stern gaze in his steely blue eyes.

“Get over yourself,” Trace says, pointing at him with fork.  “You have to see her in a couple of weeks regardless and you’ve known that you should have called her since Christmas.  I don’t know why you’re getting so pissed, Justin.”

He glares at Trace.  “I’m not going to say it because you know why I’m pissed.”

“Fine.”  

“Fine.”

Tarin and I exchange glances and I can tell she’s trying really hard not to laugh.  It really is kind of funny, because they sound like children, or an old married couple would.  I don’t know the whole backstory with Justin cutting his family off, and I know it’s a hard topic of discussion for him.  But maybe Trace is right.  Justin has to see her in a couple of weeks anyway so what difference does it make if Trace called her up or not?  Granted he’s throwing it in Justin's face right now and that’s not exactly right, but I don’t really think it’s as big of an issue as Justin is making it out to be.

“On a lighter note...” Trace speaks up again, breaking the awkward silence that has fallen over the table for the past twenty minutes or so.  “I have a little surprise.”

Tarin smiles while Justin and I look at Trace awkwardly.  I silently pray that what Trace is about to say isn’t something that will cause drama.  But I think we’ve all had enough of that for one night, and Trace should know better.  

“What’s going on?” Tarin asks him, the anticipation in her voice more than obvious.
 
“Well, you remember how we were talking about those interviews the other day right Justin?”

He looks at him, but doesn’t give him much of a reaction because he’s probably still aggravated about before.  “Yeah, so?”

“Well I was dealing with some phone calls this week, and it turns out that KISS FM is willing to give Tarin the interview if you decide to go there, J.  All you have to do is say yes.”

Tarin gasps and covers her mouth with her hand.  “Oh my god, Trace.  Are you kidding?”

He smiles and throws an arm around her.  “Nope.”

I watch as Justin’s gaze shifts between Trace and Tarin.  He looks extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing, and I really wish I knew what the hell was wrong with Trace tonight.  He’s springing too much on Justin at one time, and that’s definitely not the person I’ve come to know and trust.  

“So what do you think?,” Trace asks him after a moment.  “I mean, you’ll be around people you know.  They’ve always been cool with us there.”

He shrugs and a moment later seems to force a smile.  ‘Yeah, that could be pretty cool.”

I stare at him intensely, hoping he’ll look at me and give me some inkling as to how he really feels so I can know if he really wants to go through with this whole thing.  But I think he knows what I’m trying to do because he won’t look at me, and he can probably feel my eyes boring into his skin.  

“You would do that for me?,” Tarin asks him, seemingly in awe.  “Justin, that’s so sweet.”

He forces a laugh for her, and meets her gaze.  “It’s the least I can do Tar.  I mean, you’re Trace’s girl...like family.”  He quickly looks back down at his food.  “I’ll do it for you.”

“Hang on,” Trace says, smiling at him.  “I’ll be right back.”

He darts inside the house and all I can think is...this isn’t right.  It’s too sudden.  Justin barely has time to catch his breath let alone give a radio interview.  Sure, I knew it was looming but I thought it would probably happen after he went home and stuff.  Now I feel like it’s being pushed in his face, by his best friend of all people.  I get that Trace is trying to help Tarin succeed but he’s the person that told me from the beginning that Justin was fucked up.

Why push him now?

Trace returns to the table a moment later with a small pile of papers and places them in front of Justin with a small smile.  He immediately looks overwhelmed, and I desperately want to snatch them up and throw them over the side of the deck so he won’t have to worry about them anymore.  But I know I can’t.

“What’s this?” Justin looks up at his friend for an answer.

“Oh just the standard.  I looked through them.  Johnny gave them to me and needs you to sign them to commit to the interview, that’s all.”

For the first time since the subject was brought up, Justin looks at me.  He looks lost, like he doesn’t know what to say.  I know he wants to trust Trace and just do what he’s asking of him, but at the same time I know how scared he is of this type of thing.  What he really needs is a night to think it over before he commits to anything this serious.  “Maybe he should sleep on it before he signs anything, Trace,” I say.  “You know, it’s been a long time since he’s done interviews and stuff.”

Once again the table falls silent.  I look at Tarin, fully expecting her to be glaring at me for trying to get in the way of her chance at stardom, but she’s not.  She looking down at her food, trying as hard as she can to stay out of it.  I’m actually glad.  Her input on this would probably drive one of us to snap, and that’s something we dont need tonight.

“It’s been a long time since he’s done a favor for somebody.” Trace says to me, darkly.

I glare at him, about to give him a piece of my mind, but Tarin breaks the tension up by loudly sliding out her chair and picking up her plate along with everybody else's.

“Don’t put this on me,Trace,” she tells him with a roll of her eyes.  “You’re the one who brought it up and yeah it would be great but if he’s not comfortable don’t force the poor kid. Damn.  There will be other things that come up.”  She manages to pick up one more plate in her already full arms and rushes back inside the house, kicking the door closed behind her.

Now it’s just the three of us.  I look back at Justin who is still staring down at the forms like he’s lost.  “This is really sudden,” he speaks up softly.  “Johnny never called me about any of this.”

“Man, there’s nothing wrong.  This is her chance to get ahead after eight years as an intern that’s all.  Can you blame me for wanting this for her? Just sign them,” Trace pushes.  “Johnny can’t call you for everything.  That’s why he asked me to pass the information along to you since he knew I’d see you first.”

Trace is entirely too anxious about this.  Even if it is an important step in his girlfriends career, there’s no reason why Justin shouldn’t be allowed to think the idea over for at least a night.  Hell, if Trace had been more easy going about this from the beginning I would have talked to Justin more about the pros than the cons of the situation when we got home tonight.  But since he’s not.  Since he’s being a god damn asshole, I don’t really care if Justin says no right now.

“I-I don’t know...”  Justin says, pushing the papers away from him a little.  “I can’t just make decisions like this spur of the moment anymore, Trace.  I thought you knew that.”

“Trace, do you have to get them to Johnny tonight?” I intervene, sternly.  “I’m sure it’s too late now.  Why can’t Justin take the papers home, decide what he really wants to do in the morning, and fax them signed if he decides to go with it?”

Trace meets my gaze with a look on his face that I haven’t seen since the first day we met.  It’s the one that tells me I’m interfering with things that are none of my concern.  It’s the Trace that I strongly dislike and I feel like telling him to fuck off and telling Justin that we should leave.  I’m so full of distrust right now.  I feel like Trace...is out to hurt Justin for some reason and that’s scaring the shit out of me.  I thought he was a good person, who had a few flaws just like everybody else.

I didn’t think he was a deceptive bastard.

“Mel, just relax,” Trace groans.  “This is just how the business is.  Johnny needs the papers tonight.”

“Well, the last time I checked, you had quit being Justin’s personal assistant,” I snap and glare at him coldly.  “So why the hell would Johnny be sending the papers to you instead of directly to Justin or Lynn? Especially without some kind of a phone call?  Sorry for being so “intrusive”, Trace.  But I just don’t get it.”  I stare him down intensely, waiting for him to crack and tell us the real reason why he’s being so pushy.  I wait, and wait for it, but it never comes.  The only thing he does is smirk, and it really pisses me off.

“Maybe...I’ve decided to take the job back,” he announces, standing up proudly and eyeing Justin with an enthusiastic gleam in his eyes.

Justin immediately snaps out of his funk at Trace’s news, and I’m sure Trace planned this all out knowing that he would react like this.  “Seriously?” Justin says to him, as if somebody just told him his grandmother had arrived here unexpectedly.

I cross my arms and glare at Trace some more.  He doesn’t do much, just glances at me slightly and smiles as if to tell me there’s nothing I can do now.  It’s a scary side of Trace.  A side I want to get far away from as quickly as possible.  Justin is desperate for Trace to be his very best friend and never leave him alone and upset like he did in the past.  To Justin, having Trace back as his assistant is like finding the golden ticket hidden inside a Wonka Bar.  Really, it’s probably the last thing Justin was hoping to get Trace to do, and now that it’s happening he’ll do whatever Trace asks of him.  I shake my head because I’m so disgusted.  I really wish I knew what Trace’s motive behind all of this is.

It’s just not right.

Trace pats Justin on the back a little and pulls up a chair so he can sit down beside him.  “Yeah, I was going to wait to tell you in a week or so.  But what the hell right?  Now is a good time too.”

“I promise,” Justin says eagerly.  “This time I won’t fuck up.”

Trace laughs and pushes the papers back towards his friend.  “It’s fine.  Don’t worry about before.  It’s done. I’m ready to start fresh, okay?”

“Okay.”  Justin smiles and looks over at me, as if he might burst into tears because he’s so happy.  He picks up the pen that Trace so conveniently placed on top of the forms and eagerly signs each one without hesitation.  

“Wow I didn’t realize you’d decided to get back into the swing of things, Trace.”  I cross my arms and smile up him with fake enthusiasm.  “Good job.”  I get up and grab my empty drinking glass, walking back into the house disgusted.  Justin pays me no mind.  He’s too busy talking to Trace about how much he appreciates his second chance.

I really wish I knew more of what happened when Trace cut him off.  I never realized it before, but it obviously left a really deep scar on Justin’s psyche on top of whatever else happened to him with the kidnapping and that girl he told me about...Kerri I think her name is.

It’s weird to think that there is a Kerri out there who is more fucked up than the one I know.

I join Tarin in helping her with the dishes.  She rambles on about something, and I feel really bad but I have no idea what it is she’s talking about.  My mind is drifting off to other topics.  Like, with Trace being Justin’s assistant again, what good am I?  I mean, I know he’s only going to be helping Justin with the business side of his lifestyle...the stuff I know nothing about.  But still, it means Justin is basically going to start going back to work.  What about us?  What about all the time we spend together? It’s going to be gone.  Taken up by greedy executives and people that want to push Justin further into the spotlight for their own gain.  What about our runs in the mornings? I’m sure Justin has a personal trainer for that sort of thing.  That ritual will be gone too.  I’ll become less and less of a necessity in no time.  Justin will have a new life, the one he’s used to.

I won’t have a place in it.

“Mel can you fucking believe it!”

I snap out of it. Tarin is standing before me, dish towel in her hand, grinning from ear to ear.  ‘Huh?”

“Justin signed the papers!” She squeals.  “This is only like...the biggest deal of my career!”

“Oh yeah,” I say, trying to sound excited for her.  “It’s really great. You’re going to be all set now.”

“I know!”

My small smile fades as I see Trace and Justin come back into the house.  They’re laughing and smiling like they don’t have a care in the world.  I look at Trace and he looks like the guy I’ve come to respect now.  That deceptive bastard has gone back into hiding and I just don’t get it.  Justin is smiling.  He looks so healthy and happy right now and its really making me sick to think it’s all because Trace decided he was going to bail himself out of a heap by giving in and being Justin’s assistant again.  I mean, fuck.  It’s not like the guy was doing anything else but living off the money he made from Justin in the past.

That’s wrong to think and I know it but right now I’m so disappointed in the guy that I don’t care.  Trace’s attitude just went from annoyed to overjoyed at the simple fact that Justin signed some documents.  I know something is going on here.  Trace might be good at manipulating his best friend but he sure as hell doesn’t fool me.

And I’m going to find out what it is that he’s doing.  

Trace goes to wrap his arms around Tarin, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye as he passes by me.  I feel stuffy and uncomfortable just standing next to him, and I think up a lame excuse to go back outside.  “Crap, I just forgot today is an old friend of mine’s birthday.  I really have to go outside and call her or she’ll never let me live it down.”

“Oh cool.” Tarin speaks up.  “We’re going to start the movie in a few.  Do you want me to call you?”

“Oh no, it’s fine.  I’ll be in soon.”

I don’t look back at Trace, or Justin for that matter as I make my way outside.  It feels good to get away from them, and I hope that I can clear my head and maybe give Trace the benefit of the doubt before I leave tonight.  I take a seat in the lounge chair that I spotted earlier and close my eyes for a few minutes.  It helps.  My heart stops racing and I can think a little clearer.  

Maybe Trace is doing this for Justin’s own good.

Maybe I shouldn’t jump to so many conclusions.

But I can’t shake the feeling that something is twisted here.

“So, you lose.  It only took them ten minutes to start making out.”

I open my eyes to find Justin standing over me and it causes me to laugh a little bit.  I hadn’t realized how much time had passed while I was laying out here, but I guess they   must have started the movie a little bit ago without me.  I’m sure Trace was very disappointed that I was absent.

He takes a seat on the end of the lounge chair and smiles at me.  “I think it was because Tarin was so excited about the interview.”

I flash him a fake smile and try not to let him see me cringe.  “So then I dont get to see you in a latex suit?”

“No, but I’ll still make you dinner as a parting gift,” he laughs.  

I gaze up at the dark sky.  “Cool.”  I don’t smile, and I’m pretty sure he knows that I’m annoyed about what Trace just talked him into.  He needs to understand though and not be so damn blind about the person he was just a few weeks ago.  The one who shut himself away from the world and didn’t take care of himself.  Just because he’s a little happier now doesn’t mean he’s ready to take on the world.  I hate to be negative.  I know part of the reason Lynn likes me so much is because I encourage Justin to better himself a little bit every day.  But I never told him to run out into the spotlight without even a few hours of consideration beforehand.  I worried about what this will do to him.  People will be expecting him to be professional and friendly.

I don’t even want to think about what will happen if Justin is having an off day.

“Mel,” he sighs, giving me a knowing look.  “I know you think I’m making a hasty decision, and...I expect you to feel this way.  It’s not really like me to make a decision as fast as I did tonight.  Not anymore at least.  But you know, Trace is going to be there and he’ll look out for me.  Nobody is going to upset me because he’ll beat them to the punch.  Trust me.  When Trace worked for me in the past, I never had a doubt in my mind that he would keep people off my back and I still don’t.  I’ll be fine.”

I figure it’s smarter to just agree with him, because I’m sure no matter what I say he’ll come up with an excuse as to why I’m wrong.  Maybe if I just agree and let him find out for himself how pig headed he’s being, he’ll be a lot more cautious in the future.  “Oh I’m sure.  I’m just a worry wart, Justin,” I look at him and give him a small smile. 

He narrows his eyes at me and laughs a little bit.  “Mel.  Come on.”

“No I mean it,” I say seriously.  “You know what you’re doing.  That’s uh, great about Trace taking his old job back too.  That must be a relief, huh? Now you don’t have to worry about hiring someone else.”

He still looks at me like he knows I’m full of shit, but he doesn’t press the issue.  I guess we both want to forget about it, and let one another have their own opinion about the situation.  After all, this is business and it really has nothing to do with me.  I mean, if Trace was telling him how to conduct himself around me it would be another story, but that’s not it at all.  In fact, I’m almost positive Trace wishes Justin and I would get together already...make out, or something along those lines.  No, he’s not so bad.  I’m just confused about what happened tonight.  In the end he’ll still be my friend, even though I won’t have an issue bitching him out if he pisses Justin off in the end of all this.

“You have no idea how much more secure it makes me feel to have him back on board, Mel,” he says, the relief in his voice obvious.  “Maybe that’s lame too, but you know, there’s nobody else in this world I trust more than him when it comes to my job besides my Mom. I can’t just go out and find another Trace.  I’m glad you’re starting to understand, even if it confuses you.”

“Friendships are about compromise,” I nod.  “If you’re okay with this, I guess I should be too.  But are you really ready to get back to work?  That’s what I’m most concerned about, Justin.  When is this interview supposed to be anyway?”

“I’m not sure of the exact date, but it’s probably next week.  I’m sure Trace knows the details.”  He shrugs.  “I told you about the meetings and phone calls I’ve been dealing with.  I’ve been being prepped to get back to work whether I like it or not.  I’ve just been kind of sluggish about picking which radio stations to go to, that’s all.  I didn’t think Trace was going to be around to help out and that scared me.  I wasn’t ready to deal with someone new and the pressure of the media at the same time.”

I sigh and get up from the chair.  He stares after me silently, like he knows that deep down I’m worried about something.  He won’t ask though.  I know he’s too afraid to find out what I’m really feeling inside, because he doesn’t have a solution.  He’s going to do what he has to do to better his life.  I sigh, and lean over the deck railing, gazing out at the twinkling lights from other condo’s near bye.  “So I guess you’re going to be traveling now, and getting out more.  Maybe...” I trail off and laugh sadly, shaking my head because I don’t want to bring this up right now but knowing I can’t prolong the inevitable.  If I have to say goodbye to Justin, I have to start preparing myself now so I don’t crash and burn.  I know there are a lot of other people in the world that could use my help, and I have to start looking...so I can get out quickly.  “Maybe we should talk to your mom about my situation here with you, since you probably aren’t going to be needing me nearly as much as you’ve been.  I mean, Trace could easily yank your lazy ass out of bed in the morning.” I try to laugh brightly but fail.  It sounds like more of a sob than a laugh and I want to kick myself because I know I’m probably making Justin feel like shit.  I wait for him to say something, but when he doesn't’ I force myself to look over my shoulder.  He’s just sitting there, staring back at me like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

So I make my point clearer.

“I’m sure Trace will be needing the guest house once you get the ball rolling,” I say in a professional tone.  “So I can start packing it up.  Just let me know.”

After a few more moments of staring at me like he’s shocked, he finally rises from the lounge chair, and joins me over at the deck railing.  He stares out into space for a few moments, furiously chewing on the bottom corner of his lip.  “So you’re just going to leave,” he says, once he collects himself.

I don’t look at him because I don’t want to search his eyes for something that tells me he wants me to stay.  I’m terrified of that because if I do stay...it won’t be out of necessity.  "I dont know, am I?"

He lets out a bitter laugh and rubs his hands together.  “When did I ever imply that I didn’t want you around anymore?  I mean, I sign a paper and you think I’m signing you out of my life or something.”

I still refuse to look at him.

“Yeah, but if you’re going to be working most of the time, I’m definitely not okay with sitting around your house, cleaning and walking your dogs all the time.  I’m a nurse...or halfway to being one, not a maid.  I just...God.” I hang my head low for a moment and try to suck up the emotions that are dying to fly out of me right now.  “I don’t know, Justin.  Maybe I’m being insecure.  I’ve been known to do that from time to time, and tonight hasn’t exactly been normal.  But when are things normal anyway?”

“Damn, Mel,” he laughs.  “I’m doing a radio interview and you’re acting like I’m going out on tour and won’t be able to see you every day.  And you’re not a maid,” he scowls.  “If you don’t dont want to clean my house anymore, that’s fine.  You don’t have to.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  That’s not why I keep you around.”

I don’t want to, but something inside of me is screaming at me that I better look at him, and so I do.  He’s grinning at me, that playful twinkle in his eyes that I’m starting to get to know so well more than apparent in his eyes.  I realize that there really is something more between us.  I make him so damn happy, even though I’m still confused as to why, but it doesn’t matter.  He smiles whenever he sees me...and...and when I see him I get a weird feeling inside of me that makes me want to smile just like he is.  But I don’t, because I’ve trained myself not to slip up like that.  But I feel myself cracking more and more every day  There is a thin layer left of the walls that I’ve built around me for so long.  It’s like Justin is one of those big wrecking balls, whacking into those walls every time he smiles at me and treats me like the woman he cares about.  I hate him for that but I love him even more for it at the same time. 

“Then why do you keep me around?,” I ask him quietly. 

He sighs and stares back out over the railing again, crossing his arms protectively across his chest.  He doesn’t want to get into it anymore and I can understand why but I’m so confused and frustrated right now that I just don’t care.  I need answers.  I need to know where this is all leading.

“Well?”

“I have a good reason,” he finally says, not meeting my gaze.  “But you don’t want anything to do with it.”

I feel myself getting flustered because I know exactly where this conversation is about to go.  I’m not prepared.  I need to hide but there is no where else to go but inside the house, and that would only lead to the happy couple inside asking me questions that I don’t want to answer.  “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” he says gruffly as if I have a nerve even asking him that.  “I”m talking about that night at my piano when you ran out on me.  That morning in my basement...when you ran out on me again.  And the other day when I came home and wrapped my arms around you.”  He turns to me suddenly, a serious look in his eyes.  “Only you didn’t run out on me then.”

Fuck.  Why is he so damn on point about everything? How does he remember this shit? Does he write it all down, waiting for a moment like this where I’m vulnerable so he can throw it all in my face?  I shake my head roughly and rub my face with my hands, trying to prevent my tears from escaping.  “This is a horrible subject, Justin.”

“You act like you’re the only one who’s fucking uncomfortable!” he exclaims, half laughing.  “You think I haven’t thought about it like a thousand times?  How confused the whole thing makes you when I bring it up? How fucking scared I am?” He sighs, but doesn’t hesitate to reach out and run a finger down my face.  “But then I wake up and...I see you,” he smiles softly.  “And I don’t care how scared I am.”

“Oh jesus.”  I back away from him slowly as if he’s some kind of madman, and only stop when I feel my back hit the other end of the deck railing.  “I shouldn’t have done this tonight.  I mean, a dress?” I laugh nervously as he stares at me like he’s so fucking lost right now.  “When do I ever dress up, Justin?  Like, I don’t know.  I thought...hey we’re going out and doing something for once, maybe I should look nice.  But now...now I know I made the completely wrong decision and I’m sorry, okay?  This is all my fault."

His shoulders sag in defeat.  He looks a little tired now and for a moment I think ‘yes he’s giving up.’ But I should know better.  Justin gets what he wants, plain and simple.  I’ve always known that, from the day I decided to stay.  I could have walked away a thousand times, but I never did.  Something about him has kept me around, wanting to stay close to him because the needy girl inside of me feels safe around him...safe and maybe...maybe happy too.

“How is it your fault?” He asks me gently.  “You didn’t wake up one day and tell me to have a thing for you, Mel.  It just happened, and even though you try really hard to act like it isn’t true, I know you have a thing for me too.  If you want to hide from it that’s fine, but I’m telling you that I can’t hide from it anymore.  I’m trying to change my life, and part of that change is learning how to not live in fear anymore.  I know you understand.  You’re the one who’s always telling me to be better, to hold my head high and shit.”

“Justin.” I huff and cross my arms defiantly across my chest.   “I care about you...I do.  But I can’t be your girlfriend.  I just can’t.  So if I’m not helping you, and I’m not your girlfriend what the hell is the point of me hanging around your house?  I’m not Trace, I’m not part of some entourage you’ve concocted for yourself.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

My mouth hangs open a little.  I can’t believe he has the nerve to be so damn cocky at a time like this.  “Excuse me?”

“Who says you have to have a title right now?  I don’t have a fucking entourage, Melanie.  I’m not asking you to be part of my business team.  We’re friends right? I have more than enough reasons to let you stay at my house.  You’ve done so much shit to help me be a better person that I can’t keep track of it all anymore.  If it’s that important I’ll just call you my sanity supervisor.  Is that better?”

I roll my eyes.  “You’re trying too hard.”

“You’re trying too hard to shut me out.”

We stare at each other and I feel like looking away and crying.  I really fucking care about him.  More than any other person that’s been in my life.  I wish I could turn back time, decide not to go to that party so I wouldn’t have been raped.  If I hadn’t, I would have given into Justin long ago.  I’d be happier.  I wouldn’t be scared, and I could live my life to the fullest, just like I was meant to.  It’s not fair, and now Justin has to pay for it too.  I can feel my tears give way after a moment, and they glide down my face.  My body shudders just a little bit and I can’t hold back the tiny sob that escapes me.  He comes closer, the compassion apparent on his face.  I quickly sniffle and rub at my eyes, forcing myself to suck it up.   Forcing myself to be the strong one once again. 

“What’s so wrong with you that you cant’ push shit to the side and try something you know is going to make you happy?”  He touches my face again gently, and brings his face right up to mine.  “Because I know I could make you happy, Melanie.”

I don’t back away from him.  I don’t think I can.  My feet are frozen in place, and my brain won’t make them work.  I can’t do anything else but stare into his eyes.  They’re filled with hope and dare I say...love.  “Don’t,” I whisper pathetically.

“Don’t what,” he whispers.

“I can’t be the girl you want me to be,” I whimper.  “I can’t, Justin.”

He nods, and softly smiles again.  “You already are.”

I shake my head vigorously.  “But...”

His lips brush against mine, immediately causing me to shut up and close my eyes.  A million emotions rush through my body like a drug, making me feel dizzy and light headed.  The kiss only lasts a moment or two but when I open my eyes again I feel like I’ve been out of it for years.  I stare at him, and he stares back at me, daring me to make the next move.

But I don’t know what to do.  

“It’s okay,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around me gently.  “I just want to kiss you a little bit, that’s all.”

I search his eyes for dishonestly but it’s not there.  He’s being completely genuine right now, the Justin that I’ve come to know really well.  Not the cocky best friend of Trace that I want to slap.  He’s so beautiful and sexy, and everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy.  I almost can’t handle it.  I want to put a stop to this because it just seems to good to be true that he’s here with me and he wants me...that I seem to be perfect for him in every way.

“Can I kiss you, Melanie?”

The surrounding area seems like a blur.  I feel like I’m in a bubble.  A soundproof bubble where the only person I can hear is Justin.  All I can see is his smile and all I can feel is the warm touch of his hands on the small of my back.  I just nod in response to his question, and a moment later our lips are clumsily grabbing for each others mouths.
His end up on my chin for the briefest of moments, licking it awkwardly.  Somewhere in him is a fantastic kisser, I can tell.  But he’s rusty and so am I.  It’s making it difficult to have that  perfect movie scene make out session, but whatever works is good enough I guess.  We’ve gotten back on track anyway because his lips have met mine again.  He cups my face in his hand gently as he deepens his kiss.  Our breathing is heavy and ragged, and I’m not entirely positive but I’m pretty sure I’ve wrapped my arms around him.  I do know that I’m kissing him back eagerly, powerfully...I can’t make myself stop.  Of course I know how dangerous this is but...in this moment I feel more alive than I have in forever.  I want to cling to him, curl up inside of him and watch the world from his protective embrace.  I don’t know why or how I know it, but something just tells me that Justin would never hurt me.  That he can see deep down inside of me where I bury the hurt, and he can understand it...he can make it go numb and help me to smile.

“I love you.”  He stops kissing me and nuzzles his nose against my cheek, his eyes closed.  He’s breathing hard, and I can feel his heart pounding through his chest as he pulls me close to his body.  “Melanie.”  He opens his eyes after a moment and presses his forehead against mine, raising his hands to the sides of my head so he can run his fingers through my hair.  “You’re driving me fuckin crazy, Mel.”  He sloppily grabs my lips with his again.  “You planned it didn’t you?  Tryin’ to play innocent.” He flashes me a cocky smile.  “But you’re a bad girl.”

Hell, his whispers drive are driving me crazy and I want nothing more than to tell him that I love him too.  But I just...I can’t.  I’ve gone numb and my better judgement is telling me that this is insane.  I can’t love him.  Hell, this is the first man I’ve kissed since...it happened.  What am I supposed to do now? He’s gone there.  He’s admitted how he feels to me, and I know I can’t tell him the same.  It’s going to kill his spirit and there’s nobody to blame for it but myself.  I’ve led him on I guess, allowed myself to dream a little bit and pretend that I’m not as fucked up mentally as I know I am.  I sort of convinced myself that I was capable of letting go of the past...of loving somebody.

A tiny voice in the back of my mind is screaming at me that I really am ready.

I drown it out.

“I’m sorry.”  I back away from him slowly and put a hand over my mouth, wiping the excess saliva off of my lips.  “Justin I can’t handle this.”

“Don’t.”  He stares me directly in the eyes, his expression stern but his eyes soft still.  “You’re lying to yourself right now.”

He knows what I’m thinking but he doesn’t know the half of what I’ve been through.  I hate it.  I wish I could scream it all out at him right now...that I was raped.  That...that I don’t trust him.  That I can’t ever trust him.  But Trace and Tarin might overhear, and I’m not ready to deal with it.  Suddenly I wish we were home so I could go hide in my house, but then again I don’t know what the hell that would solve.  “I’m not lying to myself.”  I cross my arms and turn around to lean over the railing again.

In seconds his hands are rubbing my shoulders and I fucking hate it.  I hate that Justin always gets what he wants.  I hate that I’m not strong enough to push him away.  I’m just too tired.  I’m tired of trying to rebuild my walls against him every time he tears them down with his smile, charm, and the way he just...cares about me.  “Please let me in.”

He’s pleading with me in a way that I never thought I’d hear come out of him.  Justin’s playful, cocky, and caring in the most masculine of ways.  I’ve never known him to be this sentimental or emotional when it comes to things like....me.  I’ve seen him at his lowest, when he’s been reliving the nightmares of what happened to him.  I’ve seen him throw up and cry about it.  But that’s a different scenario.  I guess I expect it because I’ve been there.  But this...this is just throwing me completely off guard.  “I don’t let people in.”  I tug away and turn around to face him.  “Ever.”

He doesn’t push.  He simply folds his arms and stares me down again.  “Why not?”
 
“Some things are better left alone,” I explain softly.  “Please, Justin.  You’re better than this.  You’re better than me...” I trail off and suck in a long breath, trying to prevent the sobs that are threatening to escape my body.  “You deserve better.”

“But I want you.”  His eyes lose their softness as his brow furrows and he stares at me intensely.  “Melanie...I...you just, you show me the way to be me.  Nobody can do that for me.  Nobody has the patience or the time, or hell...just fucking cares enough.”

“It’s my job to care.”

He shakes his head.  “You know what your job is.  It’s not about caring, and we both know that.  I know you care about me because it’s the same way I care about you.  It’s unconditional.  I don’t understand why you can’t see that.  I don’t know why you’re so afraid of letting me into your life, Melanie.” He sighs and his shoulders sag.  “Fuck...you don’t even know...I put everything out there for you just now.  I let so many things go just so I could kiss you.  Can’t you understand that?  Don’t you realize how hard it is for me to let go and take a chance because I’m fucking terrified half the time?”

The tears are streaming down his face now in heavy, thick trails.  I feel a sharp pain in my gut and I nearly keel over.  I know he’s not full of it right now.  What he just said has told me everything I need to know.  Justin has fallen in love with me.  He’s not secure with himself but put it all to the side just so I could know how much he loves me, and all I can do is stand here and tell him that I can’t handle it.  That I’m fucking lame.  The sobs come quickly and I feel my butt hit the wooden floor of the deck in the matter of seconds.  I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them up to my chest, so I can cry into them.  I feel so lost, so hopeless, and if Justin is smart he’ll get out now.  He’ll tell Lynn to let me go and we can get on with our lives.

I’m not capable of loving him, or being loved. 

“I’m not giving up.” 

His arms wrap themselves around me before I can stop him.  “Justin...please...”

“Look at me.”

I do, and it kills me.  There’s so much passion in his eyes now, like I’m the most important person in his life.  I try to remember what I did to make him feel this way towards me, and I can’t.  I don’t know what I did, but I just should have been more careful. 

“Something shitty happened to me, and I know something shitty happened to you too,” he tells me gently.  “But it doesn’t mean, you know, that we can’t live our lives.  That we can’t love, Mel.” He shakes his head and sniffles a little bit as he reaches out to wipe the tears off of my face.  “Because I love you and I’ll be damned if he...if...it...stands in the way of us.”  He leans in quickly and presses his lips to mine.  “Melanie, please.”

His bottom lip quivers as he searches my expression for the reassurance that he so desperately wants from me.  I don’t know what he means by “he” or “it”, and I’m not going to push him for the fear that he might push me about my “it”.  All I know is that whatever nightmare life has dealt him, has made a critical impact on the way he deals with relationships and feelings.  He’s trying so hard to come out of it, with me, and hell..fuck, I know I love him.  I know I do.  But it’s not that easy.  “I...” I pause and take a few moments to collect myself before I look in him the eye again.  “I”m not saying that I don’t want to love you.  But I...I’m fucked up, Justin.  I can’t move fast...I don’t ‘even know how long it will be until...”

“I don’t care about that.” He shakes his head, and brushes his fingers against my cheek.  “That’s not why...I just want to be with you, Mel.  I don’t care about the physical shit.  I don’t.”

The sad thing is I know he’s being sincere.  I don’t have to sleep with him to satisfy him.  I mean, I’m sure if we ended up in a relationship we’d do that...at some point....

What the hell is wrong with me? Sex? Seriously? I’m never having sex again.

“You look terrified.”

I look into his eyes again and shrug a little bit.  “I never said I wasn’t.”

He kisses me again, gentle and slow, and I get lost in him once again.  My hands go to his face and I pull him forward, wanting to feel him close to me.  I kiss his lips cautiously, as if they’re some kind of forbidden fruit that I’ll be condemned for getting a taste for in a short while. 

“Hey I know you guys wanna make out and everything, but the movie is on.  Are y’all gonna join us anytime soon?”

I immediately stop kissing him, and look over my shoulder.  I hear Justin laughing but I don’t really think it’s funny at all.  When I look up at who I know is Trace, I find him standing in the open doorway with his arms crossed.  He has a cocky smile on his face like he knew this was bound to happen, and I want to kill myself because I definitely didn’t want anybody to catch me making out with Justin, especially his best friend.  I quickly pull away from him and stand up, straightening out my dress nervously.  I know I look anything but calm, and I’m sure it’s making me look foolish.
 
“We’ll be there in a sec.”  Justin gets up and stands beside me, nudging me a little because he can tell how uneasy Trace is making me.  “Go ahead.”

“It’s getting close to a halfway point,” Trace groans.  “You know I hate rewinding.”

He walks away after that, and I’m surprised that went as smoothly as it did.  I would have thought he’d be shocked or...something.  But I guess this isn’t anything new to Trace, catching Justin making out with a girl I mean.  Should that scare me?  Does it mean that Justin constantly makes out with women at get togethers with his friends, and thinks nothing of it afterwards?  No, I’m thinking crazy right now because I’m overwhelmed.  Maybe in another time and place Justin was like that, but he’s different now.

He only wants me.

“You wanna go in?” he asks me softly after a moment, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder.  “We can stay out here if you want.  Ya know...pick up from where we left off before.”

I laugh.  “You’re funny.”  I pull out of his embrace and turn to face him.  “We better just go and watch the movie with them.  I don’t want them to talk.”

He shakes his head.  “They won’t talk.  They expect this.”

I tug on his hand and shoot him a pleading look.  Maybe Trace and Tarin won’t talk but...I know I’ve reached my limit right now.  My mind is still spinning and I feel like if I was to stay out here with him and continue to kiss him I’d probably get sick because my nerves would get the best of me.  “Let’s go in, okay?”

He sighs, but smiles.  “All right.”

We enter the house and at one point he stops me and presses me up against a random piece of furniture, pressing his lips eagerly to mine.  I know I can’t handle it, but I don’t stop him and I know later on I’m going to kill myself because I’ll be so confused.  But he’s just so fucking happy...smiling and happy, whispering how beautiful I look in my ear.  “Justin,” I giggle.  “Come on we have to go.”

He sneaks one last kiss and mumbles “Whatever you say,” as he pulls me into the living room and has me sit next to him on the couch.  Trace is sitting in the recliner, Tarin in his lap.  She’s curled up against his chest and his hand is resting on her ass.  It looks so uncomfortable but I know that it’s not for them.  I wish I could be that comfortable with somebody, but Justin and I are so tall that it would probably be a little awkward being scrunched up on a chair together. 

I start to watch the movie, some romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock, and try to get lost in it so I can block out all the crazy emotions running through my mind.  I feel Justin’s arms go around me after awhile, pulling me towards him.  Before I know it my head is resting against his chest, just like that night I fell asleep on the couch with him.  I feel his hands running through my hair, and I’m forced to pay attention to him.  I smile up at him, and he smiles gently back at me.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he reassures me quietly, as to not disturb the happy couple in the recliner.  I doubt they heard, because they’ve resorted to making out again anyway.

I nod.  “I know.”

He sucks in his bottom lip and his brow furrows, as if he’s thinking very hard about something.  “You know I’d never hurt you,” he says, just above a whisper.  “Right?”

His eyes are full of pain, even though I know it’s not his intent for me to be able to see it.  I want to tell him that I know, but...how can I be sure? No matter what, for as long as I live, I’ll always have that undying uncertainty inside of me.  I’ll always think that the more open I am with someone, the more hurt I’m going to get.  But I don’t want him to know how I feel.  I care about him too much and all I want is to grow with him, learn how to be happy with him...

Learn how to let him love me like I’m supposed to be loved.

“I know you wouldn’t,” I say, managing to smile for him.  “Thats why I’m still here.”

He smiles and gently strokes my face.  “Well I’m pretty sexy too. I know that keeps you wanting more.”

I slap him lightly on the shoulder and chuckle.  “Oh shut up.”
*************