What a long fucking week.

It seems the moment I put my signature down on those papers at Trace's, the entire world knew I was coming back into the spotlight.  My publicist's phone started ringing off the hook, and normally she really hates answering the same questions about me over and over again.  She's so happy that I'm doing better though, all the extra work she's been doing hasn't turned her against me.  I'm thankful for Sonia.  She's always stuck by me no matter what kind of bullshit has been going around about me.  I know my kidnapping was the biggest thing she's ever had to deal with, and I know since Mom, Trace, and I were so fucked up, most of that shit got piled onto her workload.  I told her I was giving her a raise, and of course she laughed and said that she wasn't expecting anything from me.  But I'm changing my life, and part of that change is making shit up to people that I ignored for awhile.

I guess now I can scratch Sonia off that list.

We met for lunch yesterday at the Beverly Hills hotel.  Trace was with me and Johnny called in at one point on Sonia's speakerphone so he could put in his two cents.  There were photographers there snapping pictures of me as we walked in, and Eric did his best to ward them off.  For the first time though, I wasn't terrified.  I didn't cling to Trace or hide behind Eric like a five year old.  I just...walked, with a silent, stern expression on my face the whole time.  They tried to ask me questions like ‘are you getting back to work', but I ignored them.  The whole world will find out soon enough what I'm actually doing, so until then I don't feel I owe anybody an explanation.

The whole point of the lunch was so Sonia could compile a list a questions that I would be asked at the KISS FM interview.  I mean, I trust Tarin and I trust her judgement.  If it were up to me I would have just let her write up the questions and fax them to Sonia for approval.  But I know things can't work like that.  Too much has happened, and too much is at stake with my career at this point.  Any questions I'm asked have to be straight and to the point.  I'm sure I'll goof off a little bit of course because Tarin is a friend.  I'm thankful for that too.  I don't think I'd be able to be so reassured about my comfort level during the interview otherwise.

"Is this girl going to touch on relationships?" Sonia asked, eyeing me suspiciously from the other end of the table.

Trace and I exchanged glances.  The truth was, I'd wanted Melanie to come to the lunch, but she'd said that she didn't feel comfortable.  I had to make myself understand.  The situation on Trace's deck had only happened two days prior and of course we were both still feeling awkward about that.  So when I told her I was going to lunch with my publicist, she gave me this look like I was from another planet.  I'm sure she thinks the fact that I have a publicist and a manager and fans is odd.  Mel doesn't know that side of me yet.  She just sees me, the one without the spotlight cast onto him.  Of course I fucking love that. I wouldn't trade the type of relationship we have for the world, and part of me wishes I could just fade out.  That I wouldn't have a career anymore so I could spend all of my time with her.  But in the end I know I'd miss making music.  It's my whole life, and at some points, I've put it above everything else so I could succeed at it.

It's how Kerri got pushed to the side in the first place.

"Tarin's cool," Trace said, speaking for me when all I could seem to do was guzzle my ice water and glance around the room.  "I don't think she'd do it on her own.  But the station might provoke it."

"Mhm."  Sonia nodded and scribbled something down on the notepad in front of her.  "No comment, Justin.  You got it?"

"Oh..."

A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth and I saw it widen for the briefest of seconds before she spoke again.  "Why Justin? Are you seeing somebody?"

"Well..."

"Because your mom and Johnny both told me you weren't seeing anybody," she pointed out.

I'd caught Trace staring at me, a warning look in his eyes, and I knew what he was trying to tell me.  It wasn't a good idea to discuss how things were escalating between Melanie and I.  What we had was nice, and the moment the press got involved our entire relationship would change.  I knew she wasn't ready for that.  Hell, she was still overwhelmed by our make out session.  So was I.  I knew I had to take things very slowly with her, at her own pace.  She was going to have to do all the deciding, and I was just going to have to take a backseat to how fast our relationship escalated.  I didn't care though, and I had made that clear to her.  All I really wanted to do was be with her, everyday.  That made me the happiest. 

"I'm single." I told her with a light laugh.  Of course it was the truth. She hadn't exactly told me that I was her boyfriend, and I hadn't told her that she was my girlfriend.  We just kissed, and ignored the technical stuff.  For the first time since the kidnapping, I felt laid back with a girl.  It was like Melanie didn't have any expectations from me.  I didn't have to tell her I planned on being with her forever, or that I loved her...

Even though I told her that I did love her.

I don't know what I'd been thinking about when I told her that, but I know I meant it.  It was so weird.  It had taken me a really long time to tell Cameron that I loved her, and when I did I really only half meant it.  That was before everything happened, awhile after Britney and I broke it off, and I guess it took so long because I was scared to love someone again, but I pushed myself because I was even more scared of being alone.  I've never handled being single well.  I've always needed someone by my side to survive, it seems.  It's helped me when I've been swamped with work just to know that someone cares about me a lot and will be waiting for me when I'm done for the day.

It's the biggest reason why I forced myself to stick with Kerri after she came back to California.  I didn't want to be alone, I wanted somebody around who would care about me no matter what, and I knew there was nobody else out there who I was comfortable being that physical with.  It's a shitty reality.  I used her, and I hate myself for it.  I hate myself even more for what I did to her, but I'm trying as hard as I can to move on.

And for the first time, I've found somebody who makes me forget about all that shit.  Somebody who helps me to move past it, reconnect with Trace and my mom and soon...the rest of my family too.  I feel like I'll be okay now.  Truly okay, even more so than I was when Trace first came back around.  I'm going back to work, but I'm not even that terrified of the concept anymore.  I'll be doing music, something that's always been a vice for me, and I have a chance to  share all of that with Melanie...show her what I can do.

I have no idea why I've been granted this second chance, with all the horrible shit I've done in the past.  I guess it's just one of those things.  Maybe I'm not as bad of a person as I think.  What I did to Kerri was horrible and unforgivable, but I know that one day she and I will be able to discuss it like adults, and I hope like hell that I can make It up to her somehow.  Until then though, I can't sit around and wallow in my misery when I have so many great things and people in my life.  I just have to live as best as I can and try to be happy if I'm going to survive.

I'm still in shock about Trace's sudden jump back into my career.  After everything that's gone on and how I treated him I never thought he'd want to be on board again.  But for some reason, he's putting it all behind him so he can be my personal assistant again.  He probably knows how much more secure that makes me since I'm about to get back into all this shit again, but part of me still wonders what made him want to do it in the first place.  Maybe Tarin talked to him, or maybe his mom said something to him that made him rethink how things are going.  I can't deny that he used to love his job.  He probably misses it so I shouldn't be thinking twice about his decision.  It does seem very sudden of course, but so was the way he came to my house that day, wanting to work things out.

I guess he's trying to get his life back too and I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt instead of questioning the situation.

I've been trying really hard not to dwell on the physical stuff that's started between Melanie and I.  I don't want that to be the priority of our relationship, or something I've come to depend on for comfort.  Mel isn't about that at all, and I know I need to give her that space.  I can't kiss on her all the time or touch her because it makes her nervous and I have to respect that.  But it's better this way, because now I have the chance to learn, to let my love for her grow so when she is comfortable...when it's time to delve further into the physical aspect of our relationship, I know I'll be doing all of that for the right reasons.

I've only ever loved one other girl that way.

It wasn't Kerri.

It's been a long time since I've thought about Britney.  I guess I forced myself to push that relationship out of mind my because it hurt too much to remember.  Now more than ever though, I'm starting to remember how amazing being in love with someone feels.  When I was with Britney, she was all I would ever think about, and the only person I wanted to be around.  She made me happy and I made her happy, and now with Mel...things are sort of like that too.  She's starting to crack more and more each day.  Now when she sees me in the morning she can't help but smile, and she's a lot more laid back when it's just us hanging out.  She actually jokes around now, more so than she ever has before.  It's cool to see this side of her creeping out into the open, it's cool just getting to know the real side of her.  I think it's helping me to bring that side of myself out more.  The one that doesn't worry, and feel ashamed of himself all the time.

It's a great way to feel.

I feel like it's been years since I've dwelled on Shane, or what happened to me.  I've been so preoccupied though, I haven't had the time to do it.  Trace and Tarin are great, and he never brings up the past except when its absolutely necessary. Tarin only knows the basics, and she wouldn't bring it up because she has no business doing so.  Melanie's goal is to help me get over it, so she never asks about it either.  I've stopped writing in my journal too.  I just don't see the point anymore, because I can talk to Melanie about almost anything I might be thinking about.  Maybe it's not healthy that I've stopped.  I'm sure Madison would agree, but then again, she's not my shrink anymore so I shouldn't worry about her opinion.  The point is, I'm able to function more freely now.  I don't have as many nightmares.  Occasionally I'll get scared, wake up and think I'm back in the basement, but I get over it.  The dogs tend to calm me down when they crawl up on my chest and lick my face.  So I guess I can say that life is pretty okay now.  Not great.  I mean, it's getting better every single day...but there's a long road for me to go down until I get to the point that I can say my life is great and I'm a hundred percent.

Most of the dreams I have lately are about Kerri.  I can see her terrified expression in my dreams, and feel my fists connect with her flesh as she begs me to stop hitting her.  Those are the bad nights.  They don't happen that often but they happen enough make me think about her the rest of the next day.  The night after I got drunk at Trace's I had one.  It was different from the others though.  She was on her knees, crying, and I kept hitting her.  But...she kept telling me that it was okay.  That she understood why I had to do it.  It confused the shit out of me, kept me up the rest of the night.  I wanted to call Trace but I stopped myself.  I'm comfortable around him now, and I can tell him pretty much anything...except when it has to do with Kerri.  I'm on my own with that stuff.  I don't think I can ever tell Melanie because she just wouldn't understand.  She'd think I was a monster and leave me.

I couldn't deal with that.

There's times when Trace and I are alone that my brain is screaming at me to talk to him about Kerri some more.  He's told me some stuff of course.  She's living in a group home and trying to rebuild her life, and I guess that's good.  But a part of me knows that she's battling everything that's happened to her on her own.  It's so fucked up because she and I were put through the same thing and I have a group of people by my side that are willing to help me.  Kerri constantly gets swept under the rug...forgotten about, and Trace is supposed to be her best friend.  Their relationship is different from the one she and I used to share.  He's always been the one she can count on and now it's like he couldn't care less what happens to her.  I don't get it.  I want to ask him what really happened...and if I can see her.  But I know what the outcome would be, and I don't want to make things more difficult for Trace.  If I had anybody else to talk to about the girl, I would too.  But I don't. 

I keep wondering if I'm going to see her in Tennessee, what the hell I'm going to say to her if I do, or hell...what she's going to say to me.  Will she sell me out? Will she storm over to my mother and tell her the horrible things I did that night?  Or will she just put it all to the side because she's afraid...

Or because she still cares about me.

By the end of our lunch meeting, Sonia, Trace and I were up to our usual story telling antics, laughing and carrying on like I hadn't been gone at all.  It seemed as if nothing had ever changed.  Trace was happy doing what he was doing, I wasn't terrified to be there, and Sonia was acting like we'd seen each other recently rather than almost a year ago.  She didn't hesitate to tell me though, that she'd be accompanying us to the radio station the following week to supervise the interview.  Naturally, Trace tried to talk her out of it.  He said it would make me nervous, but she said she didn't have a choice.  Apparently she was attending at JIVE's request.  They were afraid that the interview could turn into a PR nightmare if she wasn't there to look out for me.  I understood.  It was politics as always.  I mean, I knew I was fucked up just as well as they did, but the last thing they wanted was for people who were buying my music to think I was anything but sane.  I knew I was lucky that they were sending Sonia instead of some suit who I wouldn't know from anywhere, so I didn't protest the situation any further.  Sonia and I hugged goodbye that day, promising to meet for a casual dinner after the interview.

It's slated for Tuesday.  Today is Friday.  I kissed Mel on Wednesday.

I don't think anybody really knows how uneasy I feel about this week.

But it's been fucking long.

My moms been calling the past few days.  She wants to know if I'm ready for work, ready for the world.  I keep telling her I am, because I know I have to be.  I"m good at performing...and press, it's just another form of performance.  I just have to sit there, smile and nod...shake hands and act like being there is the best thing in the world.  It's worked before, when I was normal.  So what's so different about now?  I think if anything, my acting skills have gotten better just because I've had to hide my true emotions so much over the past year.

I'll be fine.

"Look, he's willing to try," Trace sighs into the phone.  "Would you just listen to me and stop being so scared, Justin? I talked to him. He understands that you were going through a bunch of shit.  I mean, it's Marty.  Can you please just suck it up and come hang out?"

It's been an hour and I'm sorry to say that I've tuned out most of the phone conversation I've been having with Trace.  The only thing I've gotten out of it actually, is that he talked to Marty a couple of days ago and wants me to come hang out with the two of them in the coming days.  That would be okay if things hadn't gone so wrong, if I hadn't cut him out of my life like he meant nothing to me.  But I'm just not ready to face my other friends yet.  I'm still working on apologizing to certain members of my family, and I don't know if I could handle Marty telling me I'm no good if I go to pay him a visit.  Things are starting to turn around and I don't have the energy to deal with somebody else ripping me apart at the moment.  "I know what you're doing man, and I appreciate it.  But right now just isn't the time," I tell him with a yawn.  "You understand where I'm coming from."

"I guess I do but he's supposed to be one of your best friends."

 I can tell he's getting pissed, and if I were bold enough I'd hang up on him.  But I'm past fighting with him, and at this point I'm supposed to be able to say whatever I want to him without repercussions.  We're back on track. It's like a rewind back to last summer when we were touring and he was the only person around who could understand the anxiety and weight issues I was having.  "Maybe after the interview," I force out for him.

"I think you have a half hour free to do lunch or something before Tuesday," he tells me.  "Stop being afraid of him.  He's not going to be an asshole to you."

"I'm just not ready," I snap. 

"All right man. Whatever.  I'm going to let you sleep on it, but it's not something you can just brush under the rug.  Hell, if you're going to tour you're going to have to make amends before then. He's your fuckin' choreographer."

Trace is trying. He wants things to be as normal as possible, and I think he knows that deep down I'm ready to take on more than I act like.  I procrastinate too much I guess.  I know I could go face Marty if I pushed myself, and it's probably the right thing to do.  He's right.  I do need to get things back on track with Marty if we're going to tour again soon.  And I know that's the direction my career is going at this point.  My label has every intention on booking me for a international tour starting in January.  I haven't given them a definite answer yet, and the only people who know about the idea right now are my management, my mom, and Trace.  But I know I'm not going to be able to back out of it, even if I want to.  The label and tour promoters want their money, the people that bought tickets want to see the show, and I know my family and friends want me back on stage doing what I love.  Do I want it? Part of me is itching for the stage again, but the part of me that's still terrified of doing normal everyday things wants to crawl into a hole and hide from the world.  I know I can't.  I know I need to do what I've worked my entire life to achieve.  Hell, before Shane, I was on the verge of gaining international respect.  I wasn't being viewed as ‘that guy from that boyband'.  People were talking about Justin Timberlake, that they wanted to see him...that they were glad I'd decided to break off from the super boy band group I was in.

For awhile it seemed, I was on top of the world.

"I just don't want him shoving the past in my face," I tell him softly.

"The last I checked, we're adults," he points out.  "You know Marty.  He's not about immature shit.  I'd like to think that the people we associate ourselves with now can handle whatever life throws at them. He wants things to go back to the way they were, just like you and I do.  Come on Justin, this is a new start.  In case you haven't noticed, we're not the same people we were when all of this first happened.  Me and him hadn't talked for a long time either, but I went there...I called him and updated him on things and told him it was stupid not to talk anymore.  He agreed, and he wants to see you too.  So pull your head out of your ass and make it happen."

Trace has been acting a lot differently towards me this week.  I haven't figured out if its a good thing or a bad thing yet, but it's a stretch from how he's acted since the kidnapping.  He's not cautious around me anymore.  He takes risks, and gives me his opinion about things even if he knows it will piss me off or make me uneasy.  I'm tempted to ask him what's gotten into him lately, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer.  Tarin has added a lot of spontaneity to his lifestyle, and it's causing him to be a lot more carefree.  Not that it surprises me.  Tarin is probably one of the most spontaneous people I know, and Trace needs that.  He needs someone who can throw his life out of synch, because he'll be way too high strung otherwise.   And I like Tarin. She's a cool girl, and much easier to get a long with than Elisha was.  But maybe it's because Tarin and I used to fuck so we understand each other...

Man.

I've been trying not to let that get to me either, because I don't want Melanie to know and I know that Trace secretly hates the fact that she and I had a fling in the past.  He thinks that I used her, but it wasn't really like that.  I mean, she knew from the beginning that it wasn't a serious thing anyway.  She was the type of girl I would fool around with for a month and forget about until the next time I was in town.  I never counted on her and Trace forming a little bond, and when they did it made the whole thing awkward. She told me that she had feelings for Trace and I had to stop making advances towards her. The cocky bastard I was then, even tried to talk Trace out of dating her because I couldn't take the fact that she was choosing him over me.  I think it was the first time he ever got really really angry at me, and I couldn't understand why.  Now that I see them together again though, I regret saying all that stuff to him, because I know they've belonged together since the first time they met.  The fact that he's even put that behind him, amazes me too.  So I shouldn't ask questions.  I should just let Trace say whatever he wants, and trust him because I know he only has good intentions for our friendship.

"All right," I groan.  "Just...pick a time and place or whatever, and we'll do something."

"Maybe we can all do something," he suggests.  "He's still with Brenda so I thought the four of us could meet up with the two of them.  I told him about Mel, and he really wants to meet her."

I feel the tension rise inside of me.  "What'd you tell him?"

"Relax."  I can hear him smile through the phone.  "I just said you guys were talking, that's all.  He doesn't care anyway, J.  He was just happy to hear that you were acting like yourself again."

"Yeah."  Great.  I mean, I know Trace wouldn't have told Marty exactly how Mel came into the picture or anything but I do wonder how the subject came up and what he told Marty about Melanie.  But I'm sure whatever it was couldn't have been too serious.  He said we were "talking".  But "talking" to Marty usually means fucking without commitment.  At least it used to, but I don't know about now.  I guess I'll find out when I see him, with Melanie in tow.  I hope he's civil towards her and doesn't act like the cocky  guys he can sometimes be.  I know Melanie won't get it, just like she doesn't get my attitude at times.  I should probably forewarn her, but lately every time I'm around Melanie I find myself too lost in the way I feel about her to focus on much else.

"I think somethings up with Tarin," he says after awhile.

I'm thankful he's turned the subject away from myself and onto him.  I was getting entirely too stressed out, and if he kept pushing things I probably would have ended up snapping at him.  "Why?"

"I dunno..." he trails off a little and sighs.  "It's probably nothing, just PMS maybe," he chuckles.  "But she's been kind of standoffish lately, and she hasn't really let me get her in bed.  I sound like an asshole, but with the way things have been going with us, I get worried if we're having sex less than five nights a week."

"Maybe she's tired," I laugh.  "Hell man, that's a lot of work for a girl.  Especially her.  She's wild."

"You're a dick," he says with a small laugh.  "I guess I shouldn't worry about it.  But I am worried about it.  I want to say something, but I don't know what I should say.  I'll feel like an asshole being like ‘Baby, we haven't been fucking as much.  What's wrong?"

It's the Trace I know and I'm glad he's back for the moment.  I can relax now, knowing he's not going to get all uptight on me again anytime soon.  "So talk to her.  You know women, they always wait for us to ask them what's wrong."

"Not her," he says softly.  "If she's going through something, I'm the first one she bitches to.  I think it's me.  I think I pissed her off or something."

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

"Ha, you? I appreciate the offer, but she'd probably get creeped out if you got sentimental on her all of a sudden.  She's never been one to go to you with an issue, Justin."

He's right and it makes me really hate the person I used to be.  "I'm not the same person."

"I know that, but she doesn't.  Besides, I think she likes that you're the one she doesn't have to be serious with."

I like having this cocky, sarcastic friendship with Tarin too, and I think if it went beyond that we would both feel weird about it.  "Maybe Mel knows something," I suggest.  "They've been talking more, and you know Melanie, she's a great listener."

"You can ask her if you want to," he says glumly.  "But if Tarin told her something in confidence I doubt Melanie is going to tell you.  She knows you'll tell me."

"Oh she'll tell me," I say smugly.  "I have ways of making people talk."

"She'd slap you for that," he laughs.  "Cocky little shit."

"Maybe." I slide myself off the bed and walk into my adjoining bathroom so I can pull my nightly medication together.  "But I'll ask her.  The most she'll do is tell me it's none of my business and that will be the end of it."

"I just hope I didn't fuck up with her," he sighs.  "This relationship isn't like any other I've had before, Justin.  I didn't even feel this way about Elisha, and that's fucked up because I was gonna marry her.  I feel like I don't deserve a second chance with Tarin, you know? I didn't try hard enough the first time we were together."

"She's you with tits."  I smile and put the four pills into the palm of my hand and fill my cup with water.  "If you guys broke up, you'd realize that there was nobody else out there that would put up with either of you and so...you'd just get back together a couple of days later.  Trust me man, you didn't do anything that bad.  It's gotta be PMS or something along those lines.  I'll get it out of Mel.  It's the least I can do since you're back on board now."

"Yeah..."  He trails off and clears his throat nervously.  "Thanks man.  I appreciate it."

"Anytime." I pause to put the pills in my mouth and push them down with the water.  "But hey, listen, I just took my meds so I'm going to be knocked out in a few.  Call me in the morning or something."

"Sounds good.  I'll talk to you then."

I hang up and make my way back into to bedroom, throwing my phone somewhere on the bed.  I pat my mattress a couple of times and the dogs quickly jump up onto it from their places on the carpet.  I know I have about an hour before my medication will literally knock me out, so I get into bed and flick the TV on like I do most nights, mindlessly channel surfing for awhile, hoping to find a good episode of something to entertain me for awhile.  I hear the door creak a little bit, and I jump slightly, but relax when I see that Melanie is standing before me.  Her hair is up in that messy ponytail she usually dons when she's being lazy around the house, and it causes me to smile.

It's one of those things I find so sexy about her.

"Hey."  I shift over in the bed a little.  "I just put on the TV.  Wanna watch for a little bit before I pass out?"

She shrugs.  "I was just going to say goodnight now."

"Oh." I feel my smile fade away.  "Well, that's okay.  You're probably tired anyway."

She can't seem to help but smile.  "You're great at this guilt thing," she laughs as she makes her way into my room, and slides in next to me.  She doesn't get close to me, but I expect that from her. "What's on?"  She snatches the remote away from me, and holds it just out of my reach when I try to take it back from her.   "Hey, you want me in here? Then we're going to watch Soap Net for a little while.  Beggars can't be choosers."

I roll my eyes.  "God, you're obsessed."

"Whatever.  You know you want to find out what happened to Marissa and Chad.  We missed it, thanks to the damn Xbox."

I made dinner tonight. Well okay...it was Velveeta Shells and Cheese but still, it was a little bit uplifting for me having her sit there while I prepared dinner.  It's probably lame but I sort of felt like I could take care of her.  I mean, when I'm a lot better...when more time has passed, I know I could do a lot more for her.  She'd never have to worry about anything, because I'd take care of it for her.  Whatever she wanted, I'd make sure she had it.  I'd make sure she was happy, because she's already made me happier than I can remember being in years.  I just hope that I can get the opportunity to be even better for her one day...to be the one that she turns to for guidance, instead of the situation being reversed.

"You like the Xbox," I say, slyly snaking my arm around her body and successfully stealing the remote back from her. 

"Hey!"

She whacks me with a pillow, and the dogs immediately get up and start jumping around, trying to get in on the fun.  I grab my own pillow to hit her with it, but she gets another whack at me before I can even attempt my own counter attack and I fall down onto my side, laughing heartily.  "I'm going to bruise!" 

"Oh shush."  She snatches the remote back, and sticks her tongue out at me.  "Soap Net!"

I give in.  I figure that maybe if I do, she'll be more responsive to the stuff I want to ask her about Tarin.  I'm not really sure what she would have told Melanie that she wouldn't have told Trace.  But I know women.  Women like to talk, especially about things they feel they can't tell their boyfriends.  If something serious is happening...like that Tarin is cheating on Trace, then I really hope Mel will realize how important it is that he knows about it.  I shouldn't be jumping to that kind of a conclusion of course, but I really don't know what else she would keep from him besides that.

We watch a rerun of All My Children for awhile before a commercial interrupts. I look over at Mel and smile when I see that Brennan has crawled into her arms and fallen asleep. She hasn't admitted it, but I know Mel has gotten attached to her.  "Someone's smitten," I say with a light laugh.

She narrows her eyes at me.  "It's only because my cat isn't here with us."

That damn cat of hers.  All it does is hiss at me.  In fact, when she was away at her friends house for the weekend, it took a few swipes at me when I would go to feed it in the morning.  If it wasn't for the fact that it belonged to Melanie, I would have sold it...or something. "Your cat is antisocial."

"True."  She nods.  "That's why we understand each other."

"I'm actually glad I introduced you to Tarin."  This is it.  That was a nice slick way to get onto the subject, and I'm proud of myself.  Usually I can't pull shit like this off anymore, but I guess I'm changing a lot faster than I thought I could.  "You and her seem to be getting a long pretty well, and she gets you away from your cat."

She shrugs and focuses her gaze back on the TV.  "Yeah, I guess so."

"What did you guys talk about the other day, anyway?" I say it quickly, hoping my boldness wont piss her off.

"What are you talking about?" She asks, still not looking at me. 

The soap has come back on, and I know I should probably wait until the next commercial, but I can feel myself getting really tired and it's only a matter of time now before my meds will kick in full swing and I won't be able to stay awake anymore.  No, if I'm going to get Trace his info, it's going to have to be now.   "You know, when y'all went shopping the other day.  You haven't said much about it."

"We talked about...clothes," she says, turning down the TV volume and meeting my gaze this time.  "We were at the mall, Justin.  What did you think we talked about?  She did most of the talking anyway.  I just listened."

"She say anything about her and Trace?" 

"God," she scoffs.  "I'm not her best friend.  We just went shopping."

When I first started getting to know Mel, I couldn't read her.  It was hard for me to tell if she was hiding something or telling me the truth.  But now enough time has passed where I'm able to read her emotions very well, and right now the look on her face is telling me that she's keeping something from me.  "I know you're keeping something from me," I tell her, seriously.  "Mel..."

"Justin, look," she sighs. "If she did tell me something in confidence, which she didn't,  I'm not the type of person who is going to go and break her trust like that.  I don't want to get in the middle of whatever is going on with them.  It's not my place."

I laugh a little, knowing she just gave herself up.  "So there's something going on."

She groans.

"You know, you're not the best liar, Mel."  I smile and nudge her a little bit, only to have her shift further away from me.  It's obvious that she's annoyed, and I should stop bugging her.  But this isn't about me. This is about Trace, and it was more than apparent to me on the phone how this Tarin thing is affecting him.  All I'm trying to do is help, and I wish that Melanie could understand that instead of being so righteous.

"Fine," she snaps, and shoots me an annoyed glare.  "I'm lying.  But that doesn't mean I'm going  to tell you anything, so you should save your breath."

"Trace is my best friend," I say softly.  "If something is going on that's going to affect him, I need to know so I can warn him.  He's been through a lot, you know?  I know you care about him too.  Besides, you and Tarin aren't even that close.  Why would you keep something she told you a secret?"

She stares me down like I have a hell of a nerve pushing her this hard about the subject.  Things have been great with us, and I really don't want to think badly of her, or say something that I don't mean.  But shit, she's kind of pissing me off right now.  "Give me a break, Mel." I whine.  "You understand my point.  I know you do."

She miserably plops Brennan down next to Buckley on the end of the mattress and gets off the bed.  She stands in front of me now, crossing her arms with a disgusted look on her face.  "You're being an asshole right now," she says darkly. 

I snort out a laugh.  "For what?" I exclaim.  "For being concerned about Trace?"

"No, Justin.  For pushing a subject that has nothing to do with either of us.  I gave you my reasons for not divulging information to you, and it's like..that's not good enough.  You just can't be satisfied until you have your way, can you?  I came up to spend some time with you, maybe even spend the night watching movies together or something.  But once again, you had to be your childish self."

Fuck.  I can feel my heart sink in my chest.  She's right.   I shouldn't be pushing her but...I just got so overwhelmed.  I try too hard to please Trace lately.  I know he wasn't expecting Melanie to tell me anything, but I figured if I could get it out of her, my friendship with him would escalate that much more.   Instead, all I really did was piss off Melanie when she wanted to spend some time with me.  Maybe even...spend some time touching me a little bit more.  It sucks.  We haven't been physical since the other night at Trace's and I can't lie...it's been killing me.  I'd never tell her because I know she's not ready to let me do whatever I want to her body yet.  But I mean, just a little bit of kissing would satisfy me.

But I've fucked myself out of that for the night.

"Melanie, come on.  I'm sorry, okay?"

"Night."