Thankfully, the minutes pass quickly and I feel my eyes start to droop. I do the best I can to force an image of Melanie and her smile into my head before I allow them to close completely and feel myself smile before I drift off to sleep. Then I'm kissing her, pulling off her clothes and taking her in a bed much too comfortable to be real. She tells me that she loves me, and I smile as I make my way inside of her. She's so warm, and loving. I curl into her afterwards, and let her arms make their way around my body as my head rests against her breasts. I look up at her after awhile, wanting to tell her how much I love her...
But she's not there anymore.
It's dark now, the wind is blowing, and I'm alone. There is no more warmth. Melanie is nowhere to be found, and I shiver as the cold air runs up and down my naked skin. I do the best I can to wrap my arms around myself, but it doesn't help. "Hello?" I call out.
The wind blows harder, and nobody answers me. I start to walk, stumbling and falling along the way. The ground is cold as ice, and my feet get more numb with each step I take. "Help me," I groan. "Please."
"Nobody can help you here."
I stop in my tracks, as Kerri appears out of thin air. She's naked like I am, and I'm so fucking confused. "Kerri?"
"You may as well get used to it here," she sighs. "You're not going anywhere. This is your payback, Justin. You're finally getting what you deserve."
"What is this place?" I sob.
She just laughs. "You'll see."
Then she vanishes, as quickly as she appeared. I desperately try to find a way back, to wake myself up, because I'm certain that this is a dream. I cry out for help, for somebody to wake me up, but nobody answers. It's just like Kerri said, I'm not going anywhere. I sit down on the freezing cold ground and cry because I feel so damn helpless. And then...
Then he's there.
"Hey baby."
He's holding his hand out for me to take, and I try to get up and run, but I find that the ground is so cold, my skin has literally been frozen to it. "Get away!" I holler. "Leave me alone!"
"You need me baby," he smiles. "You know you do. There's nobody else to get you out of this."
"No!" I hold my hands over my ears and close my eyes. "No! I don't need you!"
"You miss me baby." He reaches out to touch me, and smiles when his hand starts to make it's way down my body...down to places he shouldn't be going.
"NO!"
It's warm now, the bitter cold is gone. I'm naked, but I'm in my warm bed and the room is quiet. My breathing is heavy...so heavy, and my heart is pounding against my ribs so hard and fast I feel like it might rip through my chest at any moment. I'm covered in sweat, drenched like I just took a shower, and when I bring my hands up to my face so I can wipe my eyes free of tears that have flooded them, I find that they've taken up their normal task of shaking uncontrollably.
You need me baby
I feel wet slobbering in my face and my vision starts to clear up a little more. It's only Buckley, obsessively licking the salty tears off of my face. "Stop," I croak, giving his head a gentle scratch. I pick him up and move him back to the end of the bed with his sister, and he groans a little but curls up next to her and promptly passes right out again. Now I'm faced with the darkness, and I force myself to lie down so I won't be able to focus on the sounds of an empty house. It's not helping though. I hear creaks, groans, and random whirs of the various appliances in my house. I wish like hell that my dogs were bigger. I'd make Buck stand by the door, straight and tall like the trainer would have taught him to, and when Shane did come in...he'd be ready to rip him to pieces.
I'm so fucked up, because Shane is dead and I still think he's coming to rape and kill me, even now. Even though I've started to live a little, and have friendships again. Even though I've convinced myself that I love Melanie and that I'm ready to leave all this shit behind, I still end up lying awake at night and thinking about him. Fuck, why does he take priority? Why does he have to come and say shit to me and touch me in my dreams? I want peace.
Why can't I just have peace?
You miss me baby.
I hate his voice.
I hate his fucking voice, clear as day.
You miss me baby.
I yank the nearest thing possible into my hands and throw it. It's glass and it shatters as it collides with the wall. My dogs immediately wake up and start whining because they're scared. "Damn it." I sob into my trembling hands. I'm losing it right now, and this hasn't happened to me in a long time. Out of fucking nowhere too. I mean I had a good couple of days. Nobody around me has been that high strung or anything. I don't get it. Do I feel so guilty in my subconscious that my dreams bring it all out for me to see? I just don't know. I don't know what to think, but I do know that the dream I just had scared the living shit out of me.
I look at the clock. 4 am. I sigh. Mel won't be up for another two or three hours and I don't know what to do with myself until then. I don't want to drug myself again because that obviously didn't help the first time around. I contemplate going for a drive, even though it's an insane thought because I don't know if my medication has worn off yet or not. For some reason though, none of that matters to me. My brain seems to force my body to work for me. I'm up and dressed before I know it, and my dogs sit side by side on the bed now, cocking their heads in wonder, as if to ask me where I'm going.
"You guys wanna go for a ride?"
They lay down on the bed lazily.
Guess not.
I clean up the glass with trembling hands. It's tempting to think about doing something with it other than tossing it into the garbage, but I refuse to go down that path. I know I can't because I'd be letting Melanie down and so, I walk through my house and out to the driveway, dumping the glass into one of the trash containers. I don't go back inside. Instead, I pull out the car keys that I grabbed off the nightstand and click the alarm off on my car, cautiously glancing across the yard as I reach it. The lights are off in the guest house, and I'm sure Melanie is fast asleep. As good as it would be to wake her up and ask her to go for a drive with me, I'm sure she would think I was crazy at the same time. She's not quite my girlfriend yet, so doing shit like that just isn't right at this point, not to mention the fact that I pissed her off. I guess I'll just have to do this myself, if I'm going to do it at all.
"Justin?"
I whirl around, terrified and ready to fight. Of course it's just Melanie, and I feel like an asshole. She's in her running gear, and I'm sort of confused. "What are you doing up?"
"I get up at four most days," she tells me, confused as ever. She shakes her head a little and steps closer to me. "Are you....going out?"
I look down at the car keys in my hand and sigh a little. I don't want to explain myself, and I wish that I'd known she gets up at this hour all the time. She'd never tell me, because I'm never up this early to care. "I was going to go for a drive," I confess. "I can't sleep."
She raises an eyebrow. "You never go for drives, Justin. Especially not alone."
She's right, but things have started to change a lot as far as my mood goes. I'm not so terrified to go out anymore. Granted, I'm usually accompanied by at least Melanie if I do go somewhere, but at least I get out. Suddenly I realize that I was about to go out someplace by myself without a second thought. I'm kind of shocked but...it makes me feel really good. I just had a terrible nightmare, but instead of wallowing in my misery I was determined to rid my mind of it without the guidance of somebody else. "Yeah," I nod and smirk a little. "I'm kind of surprised at myself."
"So am I," she chuckles. "What provoked you to get up at this hour? Maybe I can utilize it in the future so I won't have to beg you to get up for a run."
I frown a little and look down at my feet. "I just...had a bad dream. It's not a big deal."
"Oh."
It's quiet for awhile and I can't really look at her because I feel lame. It's usually not the best way for a guy to act, telling the girl he cares about that he had a bad dream. I feel like I'm five years old and knocking on my momma's bedroom door because the big scary boogie man haunted me in my dreams. It's only when I feel her take my hand that I make myself look at her again, but she doesn't seem to think that I'm lame. If anything, she's concerned and it makes me feel slightly better. But only slightly.
"I can come with you," she offers gently. "I don't mind."
I just shrug. "Now that you're here I don't really need to take a drive anymore, Mel."
She rolls her eyes. "Come on Justin."
Her hair is still up in that messy sex thing I like. That along with the fucking spandex she's wearing that accents her ass so nicely, is making me forget about mostly everything except the fact that my dick is bunching up in my boxers. I find myself moving closer to her. "Come on what?" I whisper. "I'm...sorry I pissed you off."
She stares at me for a moment, searching my eyes for something I'm not sure of. Then she crosses her arms and looks down at the ground. "I just...I can't stand it when you do that."
"I got carried away."
"Well stop it." She tries to say it seriously, but a smile slowly appears on her face. "Dumb ass."
I step closer to her and smile in her face. She blushes a little, but she doesn't back away this time, so...I take my chances and move in. My lips brush against hers for the first time since Trace's, and I close my eyes as I deepen my kiss a little bit. It's so simple but she feels so damn good. My heart starts to beat furiously, and I feel like I could explode in a few minutes time if given the opportunity. My mind sails away to beautiful places, where nothing is ever wrong, and I never ever want to leave. But I'm brought back to reality just as quickly as I left it. She's broken the kiss and pulled away from me. When I open my eyes, she's standing there staring at me like she has no idea what happened, or why. It's her timidness that's affecting the situation, and I'd hate to see her with some guy who didn't understand her. They'd make her feel like a freak...like I feel ninety percent of the time. I don't know if she realizes how much we really do get each other. I mean, I think she does but she's so closed about the things that have happened to her. I wish she knew that she didn't have to be, that I'll be here and I'll listen.
That I'll never think horrible things about her.
"Hey," I say softly.
"I bet the dogs want to be walked," she says after a minute.
"They can wait."
"They can't." She scrunches her lips and shakes her head, before walking away from me.
I hate when I get carried away, but I guess sometimes I can't help myself. My hormones are raging like some kind of fifteen year old. I've been deprived of sex for entirely too long, I haven't jerked off in a couple of days, and Shane just came and terrified me in a dream. All of those things combined makes me want her more than ever, for comfort and for sexual relief. But I can't do this again. It happened with Kerri and that turned out really bad. I refuse to let things get that way between Melanie and I. I think when I shower I'll just have to fix my issue...maybe I can talk to Trace about the dream later too. I know I haven't really been open about that kind of stuff with him in awhile, but since I have no shrink he's the next best thing.
I follow her into the house and we wake the dogs up. They groan and yawn and stretch for what seems like an eternity before we get their leashes on and bring them outside. We walk further than normal, taking in the sunrise. It occurs to me that I've never watched a sunrise with Mel before, and I smile. It's a nice moment, even if I can't touch her or hold her hand.
"Are you okay?" Melanie asks me after awhile.
I look at her as we stroll along the sidewalk. "Yeah, why?"
"Your dream."
"Oh...right." I don't want to get into it right now, because it will completely spoil my mood. I don't want to think about Shane and his hands, or Kerri and her evil little laugh as she left me to my doom. It's fucking terrifying and I know I can't go into detail about it with her. I wish I could but, we're not at that point yet and I know that. "You know, it was just a bad dream. I'm over it now."
"I know you're not ready to tell me everything, Justin," she sighs. "But you know, if you ever have that happen to you again...you can come to me. I'll be there for you. There's no reason you have to wander around in the dark by yourself. If I had gone into the house and you weren't upstairs sleeping I probably would have been worried sick."
"I just didn't feel right about waking you up for something like that," I say softly as we turn around and start heading back to my gate.
"Things are different now." She looks up at me and smiles gently. "I care about you Justin, probably more than I ever have. If something is wrong, I need you to come to me and talk to me. I know I could do that same thing with you."
She reaches out and takes my hand. I lace my fingers through hers and stare at her in disbelief. It's happening. It's going slowly yes, but it's still happening. Our relationship has officially begun. I can knock on her door at four in the morning and wrap my arms around her, even cry if I have to, and she'll be completely okay with it. I won't be lame in her eyes, and one day I can lay with her and tell her about my nightmare, and she'll just understand everything. She won't hold it against me or think badly of me because I was raped.
I can't see myself being with anybody else. Ever.
We bring the dogs inside and give them their breakfast, and go for our run. She's competitive and aggressive this morning and it's sexy as hell. She outruns me for a few minutes, but I quickly catch up to her and smile as we slow down and jog side by side. "Fiesty today?" I question her, breathlessly.
"You have no idea." She winks at me.
We approach a patch of grass, and plop down to catch our breaths. I can't lie, this entire morning as a whole has worn me out to the point where I could probably sleep all day. In the past I would have. Without her I'd still be in bed hating myself. But that's not me anymore. I look over at her and smile gently, tugging a little at the side of her hand, willing her to take mine. She does, almost cautiously, but I don't question it. Despite the fact that I can read her emotions now, that I can crack jokes with her and know exactly where I need to draw the line, there's still so much that I don't know about her...what plagues her. But it doesn't seem to bother her. Just sitting here with me seems to calm her in a way I almost can't understand.
"I love you." I don't even realize I've said it to her until I hear the phrase and her eyes widen. I really shouldn't be throwing that around so much. It's not healthy, because she doesn't know if she feels the same way yet. Not yet. But I'm too far gone, and I can't help myself anymore.
She searches my eyes for awhile, for what I'm not really sure. It's like she's trying to make sure everything is okay with me...that she can trust me, but I won't question it. I know she has her reasons, and until I know the full story I have no business pushing her about her motives. "Are you mad that I can't say it yet?"
I suck in my bottom lip and sigh a little "No way," I smile and smooth my hand over her cheek. "I don't expect you to say it yet. I told you, I can't hold back the way I feel anymore. But you...you know, I want you to take your time."
"You're different. It's like...you're too good to be true or something," she laughs. "No other guy would...you know...just wait around."
I shake my head. "I'm not waiting around," I tell her seriously. "I'm happy with the way things are."
"What does Trace think?"
It's weird to hear her ask me that. No other girl I've been with has ever given a shit what the people in my life have thought about our relationship. But Melanie is different. She wants my friends and family to accept her very badly, but the thing about that is, they already do. And I know that if she goes home with me my dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins will all love her too. "Trace knew this would happen eventually," I smile. "He's happy for us as long as we're happy. You heard him telling you not to leave at the party the other night. He doesn't want you to go anywhere."
"I've just never had this."
"Had what?"
"I've never had a real relationship before," she says, frowning a little. "I was too focused on my future in high school and when everything happened with me and...you know, I didn't care enough to focus on finding somebody. Then you came along, and it was just like a whirlwind, Justin. I've never been able to feel this way with anybody in my life. Ever. It scared me a lot. I guess that's why I ran away so many times before when we were getting close. I just didn't think it was possible that you could be the guy I broke down my barriers for."
"When you first came here I hated it," I confess to her. "I was still so fucked up from what had happened, and I didn't think I was capable of being friends with anybody because I thought the only thing I could do was hurt the people that cared about me. Part of me wanted you to leave so bad...but the other part of me needed you so bad at the same time." I reach out and grab her hand again, thankful that she's here, that she can listen, and that she's never given up on me despite the fact that I've been an asshole at times. "You get me, Mel. I never want to lose you. I don't know what I'd do if I did."
She takes me by surprise when her lips land on mine a moment later. I'm afraid to push it, to deepen the kiss or touch her in a more seductive way. I let my lips linger on hers for awhile, before I feel her hand brushing the side of my face gently. It gives me a sort of green light I guess. I let my lips travel gently down to her neck, picking out several different places to land on her soft flesh. She doesn't seem to protest, but I don't take it for granted. I breathe in her soft scent of peach and laundry detergent for a minute before looking back up at her again. She's smiling gently at me now, and a moment later she leans into my chest, pulling my arm so I'll wrap both of mine around her. I hold her gently, and quietly kiss the top of her head. For the first time in my life I'm learning how to be....gentle. To go slow...to understand a woman completely emotionally before physically. My mind is swimming with a thousand questions, but I won't ask her any of them. I don't want to break the moment, and I know the silence is probably the best thing going for me right now.
I don't want this to end.
"What did you do before you got signed?" She asks me after awhile. "I just remembered, I know next to nothing about your past."
"Well," I smile. "I grew up in Millington, Tennessee. I was friends with Trace from the moment I was born and we went to school together. I had a pretty normal childhood, but my mom entered me into a lot of talent shows and shit because I wanted to do them. When I was thirteen I tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club and the rest is history basically."
"Talent shows? Really?," she says, smiling up at me slyly. "I'd love to see some of those videos."
"Never," I laugh out loud. "I'm not about to be embarrassed. You're one of the few people I know that hasn't seen all that, and I'd like to keep it that way."
"I have ways of getting things," she winks. "You better keep your guard up, mister."
"Oh don't worry. All of that stuff is well hidden. The last time I was at my mom's house I hid it again in a place where she'd never look. Tough luck for you."
"I'll get Trace to sell you out," she laughs.
"He'd never do it. He knows I'd kill him."
"We'll see."
I stare at her for awhile, getting lost in her eyes and smile like I always do. I feel like it's time for me to start asking her some questions about her past, even though she's never seemed very open to discussing it with me. "What about you? You grew up in Michigan right?"
She sighs a little, finally pulling herself out of my arms, and positioning herself across from me. I know she's getting uncomfortable again, and while it's disappointing, I understand. "Yeah. That's right."
"Do you not want to talk about it, Mel?"
"No, it's not that. My childhood just frustrates me, that's all."
"Hey, my parents divorced when I was two," I point out. "We lived with my grandparents for years, until my mom met Paul...that's my stepdad. He's great too. He's always treated me like his son and he's made my mom really happy. But it was hard for awhile. My dad just up and left us, and I didn't really talk to him again until I was a teenager. He lives in Florida now, has a wife and two boys. I'm close with them, well...at least I was."
I haven't thought about Jon and Steve in a really long time. Not since I was with them the last time actually. I've been too preoccupied and I'm sure by this point they both hate me. I should call them, or something. But I really don't know if I'm welcome to at this point. I haven't even talked to my Dad, and my mom hasn't mentioned anything so that means that they most likely haven't spoken. It upsets me because I love them a lot. I just...was fucked up for the longest time. Now that I'm coming out of all that I'm starting to realize how stupid I was...only, I don't know if I can fix things now.
"I never knew my father," she tells me quietly. "My mom met him while she was in college and when she got pregnant he didn't stick around. We lived with my grandmother, and my mom worked for a little while until she saved enough money to go back to school. Then...she sort of just left me behind and let my grandmother raise me so she could pursue her photography career. It basically made me afraid to let anybody get close to me. I guess it's why I didn't really date in high school or anything. I mean, I was well liked and I had a lot of friends, but I didn't let anybody get close to me like that, you know?"
I nod. "I get it. When I started to get famous, I would come home and there would be people at my house I hadn't seen in years. I didn't really know what to think except they just wanted to get in on what I had. I was really closed off then. The only people I trusted besides my immediate family were the guys, Trace, and Kerri..." I trail off and look away from her for a moment. It's so weird, talking about this with her, because I was such a different person then. Kerri was too, and so was Trace. I shouldn't be getting into the subject either because it upsets me and fucks around with my head, but this is a different situation. I'm pouring my heart out to my...girl. Yeah. My girl. I can call her that now.
"You don't have to talk about her, Justin. Not if you don't want to."
I stare into her eyes, knowing I can opt out right now and change the subject to something else. I can just focus on her if I want to. I should. She was talking after all and I sort of just sabotaged the conversation with my stupid past. But I guess...there isn't another person in the world I can share stuff like this with besides her. Trace knows it all, he was there for it all and so...I don't need to discuss it with him. But having Mel here gives me another point of view. I can tell her about mostly everything. About how Kerri was pretty much the first girl I ever had some kind of feelings for, how I hurt her but...how our relationship was never meant to be in the first place. "I can talk about her with you, Mel," I nod. "if you want to hear the story, anyway."
"You can tell me anything," she whispers. "You know that."
"It was the three of us," I begin, with a shaky voice. "Me, Trace, and Kerri. We were inseparable, you know? You'd never see one of us without at least one of the other two. Kerri was the first girl I ever liked, and I'd always been able to tell her everything that was on my mind. When I first got famous overseas, and had to go over there, it was hard for her. I took Trace with me, because he quit school and moved down to Florida so he could work and save money to travel with me, so she was left on her own back home. Kerri couldn't have done that. Her parents wanted her to go to college and make something of herself. When NSYNC got popular in the states though, she'd come on tour in the summer and stuff. It was good for awhile. The three of us got to see each other more than we would have otherwise."
"But?"
I shrug. "Things got complicated. We made a mistake. I was at the height of my popularity, she was vulnerable and we did something we shouldn't have. It wrecked our friendship. It was my fault, and I'll admit that to anybody that asks . I just didn't count on coming home three years later, and being swept up into the kidnapping with her. It screwed us both up really bad...." I trail off and shake my head. "I screwed her up."
"Justin..."
"I did." I look deep into her eyes so she'll know I'm being serious. "I couldn't help her. I tried...but I was just so messed up, you know? She was suffering the entire time and she refused to get professional help, so I just gave up and went with the flow of things. We were...we were together for awhile. I don't even know why, because I cared about her but not like that. I just...used her."
She stares at me for awhile, like she doesn't know how to react. I feel like I probably crushed the ideal image she had of me in her head, but...she has to know how things went down. I don't need her hearing about it from somebody else, and I don't want her walking around thinking that I'm someone I'm not either. "So you left her?"
She's staring at me, waiting for an explanation that I can't give her. I mean, fuck, what the hell do I say? Did I leave her? Yes. I left her after I beat the shit out of her. But I can't tell Melanie that. I just can't do it. I'm not ready to accept her reaction, and tear apart everything we've built together over the past few months. "We broke up, but it wasn't the best parting," I nod, hating myself for leaving out the truth. "I don't know where she is right now...or if she's okay. Trace knows, and he still talks to her but...we don't really talk about it. The reason me and him didn't speak for a long time is because of the whole thing with Kerri. So its better for him if we leave her out of our conversations. I'd like to see if she's all right, you know? But right now...it's just not the best time to ask him."
"That's hard," she tells me softly. "But, it might be good for you to talk to her again, Justin. You've known her too long, and you both went through something terrible. No matter what, you still need each other in some form."
"Kerri is real clingy," I sigh. "Especially when it comes to me. It's better this way, Mel. Believe me."
She shrugs a little. "I don't know her, so I can't say whether it's right or wrong for you to think that way. I just think that if you've known somebody that long, the right thing to do is at least check in on them to make sure they're doing okay. I wish my mother had done that for me. If she had...who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have tried to hurt myself. Everybody needs reassurance in their life, Justin. No matter how small. They just need to know that somebody out there cares about them."
She's brought up amazing points, and right now I wish like hell I knew where Kerri was. I think...I think I could face her and apologize. Not that she'd be very accepting I'm sure. But I think it would give me some closure. Even if Kerri said she never wanted to see me again, at least I'd know. Right now the uncertainty is killing me. I have no idea what she thinks about what happened to her, what she thinks about me...if she needs me still despite all of this. Knowing how she is she probably does wish I'd come around. That's crazy to think too....
But I know Kerri all too well.
"You need closure," Mel points out after awhile.
"You're right." I say, smiling at her gently. "But I can only focus on one thing at a time. And I want to face my family first before I can even think about facing Kerri. I made a list for myself sort of...you know, like, the things I want to fix in my life."
"I had a list like that once." She smiles a little but it fades. "I never got to finish it though."
"Mel?"
"Yeah."
It's bold of me to ask her what I'm about to, but I figure if I just opened up to her about Kerri this much, I should be allowed to ask her an awkward question or two. "Why did you want to kill yourself?"
She sucks in a long breath and shakes her head roughly. "That's something I can't tell you yet, Justin. I will. I want to. But...I need more time."
I hold her closer to my chest, and kiss her forehead gently. I want her to know that it's okay, that she shouldn't try to rush things because of me. "I want you take all the time you need, Mel. When you're ready though, I'll be right here to listen."
She smiles at me gently. "I know you will."
I help her to her feet, and we walk back to the house with our arms around each other. It's nice to have her support finally. I mean, I know I did before but it wasn't the same. She's not uncomfortable being this close to me anymore. I think she feels...safe, unlike before when she was so convinced all I could do was hurt her if we got to this level. And I'm glad because I would never hurt her.
I learned my lesson with Kerri.
We make breakfast together, still sweaty and disgusting from our run, but not really caring either. This is how I know we're really comfortable with each other, because I can tell Melanie is the type of girl that feels the need to pretty herself up when she's hanging around a guy that she likes. The fact that all of that can wait ‘til later when she's with me, tells me that she's not just my potential girlfriend, she's also my best friend. In fact, I can almost say that she's the female version of Trace. Granted, Trace knows a lot more about me but that's to be expected. He's known me longer and me and her...we're just starting to discover each other for the first time. I feel like...I have that close circle of friends again. The one that I lost when Kerri was cast out of the picture. Melanie completes the picture. I mean, Trace has Tarin and now I have Melanie. The four of us have really seemed to hit it off, and I'm positive that we're going to start hanging out together all the time now that the girls seem to be so comfortable around each. I know I need that in my life. I need people close to me who I can trust, people I can have fun with and just be myself...not be on edge with.
It sucks for me to admit this too, but I'm pretty glad that Kerri isn't a part of this...that she's far away someplace starting her life over without interfering in ours. Things would be awkward and I doubt that she'd appreciate the bond I've formed with Melanie. If anything, it would confuse her. I can see her trying to tear us apart, all for the sake of something that she thinks is meant to be. I won't have it.
Now that I think about it, maybe it's good that Trace is so closed off about discussing Kerri with me. It's too much, and now...I think I need to just focus my concentration on my new relationship, and my closest friends.
The phone rings after awhile, and Melanie answers it, while I continue to watch over the hotcakes in the pan. She's laughing and chattering away, and I'm almost positive that I know who it is. "It's your mom." She says, proving my thoughts to be correct as she hands me the phone in exchange for the turner in my hand. "Go ahead, I'll keep your food warm," she whispers with a small smile.
I cover the mouthpiece with my hand. "Do I have to?"
Her eyes widen. "Justin!," she exclaims lightly. "It's your mother!"
"I know," I say with a light laugh. "But I'd rather talk to you."
"Oh please," she groans. "Get out of here and talk to your poor mother. She misses you!"
I sigh, and reluctantly walk into the other room to take the phone call. I spend the next hour on the phone with my mom, discussing all kinds of business shit. It's something I don't want to deal with right now. I'd like to get back to cooking with Mel. But I guess it's better than having to deal with Johnny. It's weird. Suddenly I have this whole schedule lined up, and I don't even think Trace knows about it yet. I'm supposed to do promotion for the single not just here, but in New York too. My mom tells me the New York trip can wait until after the wedding, that she talked to the label about it already. I shouldn't be getting nervous, but I am. I haven't left California since I came home from my father's a few months ago, and the thought of visiting another city puts the fear of god in me. There's so much danger. There's so much that could happen to me.
I pray to god that Melanie is here to help me when that time comes.
"Well I'll let you go," she sighs. "I know you're probably in the middle of things, and I'm swamped with paperwork today. Can you just do me a favor though, and tell Trace to pick up the damn phone and call his momma? I don't know what's gotten into him, Justin. He's being a little piss ant."
I chuckle. "Trace? Never."
"Hmph. I"m sure that girlfriend of his is keeping him plenty preoccupied. Who is she, Justin?"
"She's cool," I reassure her. "We've known her for a long time, ma."
"Funny that neither one of you have ever mentioned her to us."
I roll my eyes. "Mom, just trust me okay? Trace is fine. I wish Belinda would just get off his back, it really pisses him off you know? He's trying to be happy."
"I'm going to whoop him good, if he doesn't cut it out," she promises. "Tell him to get his act together."
I laugh a little. "I'll talk to him."
"Good. I love you, and I'll talk to you later in the week."
"Love you too, momma."
I hang up and let out a long breath. It's crazy to me that I thought I was the only one having family issues. It's clear to me now that Trace is having just as much difficulty as me. That makes me feel slightly better, knowing that I'm not alone in my misery. At the same time though, I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on him in a million years. It sucks. I can already tell that this trip home is going to be anything but comforting for either of us. Thank god we're on speaking terms again. I can only imagine the outcome of the trip if we weren't. Fists would be flying for sure, and the demise of the wedding would be put on our shoulders.
"She sounded pissed." Melanie laughs as she reemerges from the kitchen with two plates of food, and plops down next to me on the couch. "What'd you do this time?" She asks, as she passes me my plate.
I take it and smile at her. "I didn't do anything. It's all Trace."
"Oh sure." She pokes her fork into her food and smiles at me mischievously. "Nice cop out."
"Whatever," I say, my mouth partially full of hot cakes. "Believe what you want. At least my family is focusing their attention on somebody else for a little while. It's a nice break from reality."
She reaches down on the floor and finds one of the random squeaky toys my mom sent over for the dogs to play with. They immediately jump off the sofa and watch as she gets ready to throw it.
"Now you're gonna make them buckwild," I sigh. "They'll probably rip through here and knock something over."
"You make them wild all the time." She laughs a little and throws the ball somewhere in the house. The puppies scatter, and I can hear their nails sliding all over the hardwood floor as they clamber to retrieve the toy. "Besides, we're eating. You know how I feel about them mooching for food. You always give in to them."
"Not always," I deny.
She narrows her eyes at me. "I'm on to you."
I place my plate down on the coffee table, and shift my body towards her, giving her a playful smile. "Oh, I'm on to you too."
We stare at each other for a moment, and I start to feel like something is about to happen. Like...that she'll touch me, because she's putting her plate down now too. She seems unsure of herself for awhile, and I start to get a little concerned. "Hey..."
But I can't get the words out. A loud crash from somewhere in the house snaps us both out of the moment. It's followed by a snarl and a horrible sounding whimper. I know something is wrong.
"Justin." Melanie looks at me, her eyes filled with fear.
"Shit." I jump up from the sofa and race in the direction of the sound, Melanie following close behind me.
What we find at the end of the hallway makes me feel queasy, and I have to lean against the wall so I don't end up collapsing . Brennan is laying there, her right leg bloody and torn open. Buckley is standing before her, the ball at his feet, snarling at her and foaming at the mouth a little. I'm scared shitless. He...he did that to her. I feel my breathing getting heavier and my chest getting tighter. The blood is getting to me, bringing back too many memories of the horrible things that took place in this house.
"I let him do that to me...because of you! He held me down! He raped me! I did that for you Kerri! I did that for you, and what do I get?"
Slap.
"Nothing!"
Slap.
"You stupid bitch!"
Slap.
"Fuck." My mouth hangs open and the tears flood my vision. I crouch down next to Brennan and try to survey the damage...if it's really as bad as I think it is. But there's so much blood now, I can't even see where Buckley bit her.
"Watch out."
I look up. Somehow I hadn't noticed Melanie rushing off, but she's back now, with some gauze and alcohol. "What the hell happened?"
"Justin, move!" She shoves me aside forcefully so she can examine Brennan's leg. "Go call the vet, and don't go near Buckley."
I eye Buckley, and give him a dark look. He's cowered in a corner now, with his tail between his legs. Oh, he knows what he did. I'm positive of that. It's scaring the crap out of me too, because I can fucking relate to him. I know how it feels to hurt someone that you love. I'm fucking sick. I'm comparing myself to a dog. "Bad dog!" I yell at him, ignoring what Melanie has asked of me, and storm over to him instead. I stand over him, and he whimpers and whines as I slap him and shove him into the wall with my foot.
"Don't hit him!" Melanie screams at me. "Justin, it's not helping anything! You're just scaring him. He's only a dog, and he doesn't understand."
"He understands," I snap as I look back at her, not being able to hold back my anger. "He knows what he fucking did."
She stares at me for awhile like I'm scaring the crap out of her, but she doesn't push me. I wouldn't expect her to. She knows I'm messed up, and that stupid shit like this makes me go a little crazy. "Go call the vet," she says to me gently after a few minutes. "We have to get her there. I can't bandage her leg, she keeps snarling at me and I don't want to get bit. Maybe they can suggest something to stop the bleeding that won't set her off."
I nod slowly, my mind trying to stop me from rising to my feet because I'm shocked, and really angry. But I overpower it quickly and race for the phone. I dial the number for the vet that my mom so conveniently left hanging on the fridge, and somehow manage to remain calm as I explain the situation to the secretary that answers the phone. She says the most we can do is wrap Brennan in a towel and get her down to the office as soon as possible, and I thank her, quickly hanging up and racing to the nearest bathroom to grab a towel.
"Wrap her in this." I toss the towel down to Mel, trying as hard as I can to calm down. I can feel my heart racing and my entire body is trembling. "They said we should go down there right away."
She nods, and expertly slips the towel around Brennan before lifting her up into her arms. I help her rise to her feet so she won't drop the dog, and we stare at each other for a minute. I don't even know what I would have done if I was alone and this happened. She...keeps me calm. She makes it so I don't have a complete mental relapse and I don't know how else to thank her for everything she's done. Hell, I could kiss her right now but...yeah, I doubt this is the time.
"You should stay here with Buckley," she tells me softly. "There's no sense bringing him in. He's not hurt or anything, but I will ask the vet what we should do about him."
I shake my head. "I want to be with her."
"Justin she'll be fine, I promise," Melanie says, as I follow her to the door. "It'll be more difficult if you come, trust me. When I get there, I'll call you okay?"
I sigh. "Damn it, Mel. She's my dog. I'm coming with you."
She crosses her arms, but a sympathetic look takes the place of her stern gaze. "I just don't want you to freak out, that's all."
She means well. I know I probably look like a wreck, even though Mel doesn't know the real reason why I'm so upset. I mean, yeah, I'm worried about Brennan. But the blood. It's bringing back too many forgotten memories. I want to be strong, though. I have to be, or else I don't know what I'm supposed to tell Melanie later on. The truth isn't an option, so I take a deep breath in and suck it up. "I'll be okay," I say, looking her in the eyes.
She nods a little bit, and I think she trusts my mood, because she places Brennan in my arms without another word. We rush out of the house, and Melanie leads the way to the car, opening the door for me so I can get Brennan in unharmed. She jumps into the drivers seat, and silently starts up the car before peeling off of my property. I never thought Melanie was capable of driving so fast through Hollywood, she even runs a light at one point and I hold my breath, waiting for a cop to pull us over...but it doesn't happen. Before I know it we've pulled into the vet's parking lot, and I look over at her, at a loss for words. "Damn, Mel."
She sighs and throws off her seatbelt. "I got us here, didn't I?"
"Yeah, I just never thought you could drive like that," I half smile, before remembering that now isn't really the time for jokes.
"Miracles can happen." She rolls her eyes. "Your dog is bleeding. Let's go inside."
Brennan whines a little in my arms, and it's only then that I look down at her again. She meets my gaze miserably, and I scratch her head a little. "It's okay, Bren. You're tough, you'll make it."
Thankfully, the head vet is ready for us as soon as we enter. She doesn't ask questions, and I'm assuming it's because she's already been filled in. I don't get a word in, because she's snatched Brennan out of my arms and whisked her away to the back before I can say anything. I feel frustrated and ready to snap, but Melanie takes my hand and pulls on it gently so I'm forced to look into her eyes. They're full of warmth and I know she's just trying to calm me down, so I let her pull me over to where the sitting area is. She tries to console me, calm me down, but I can't even focus on her words. My arms are crossed and my gaze is fixed sternly on the wall. I'm so angry...I can't even talk to her. She gives up trying to get me to talk to her after awhile, but it's better this way. I"m on edge, liable to scream at her or do something else regrettable. Shutting up is better, yeah.
"Well, that little girl has a nasty cut on her leg."
It's been forever it seems. But the vet has reemerged now, and by the look on her face, she seems hopeful. I guess my Brennan is going to be okay after all, and the thought gets me to lighten up a little. "So she's okay?"
"Well she's going to be," she nods. "What did you say happened to her again?"
"We have another dog," Melanie speaks up before I can. "A boy. They were fighting over a toy."
"Ah. Typical male aggression. Is he fixed?"
I shake my head no.
"I'd make that a priority," she says seriously. "That should calm him down. You also might want to consider some obedience classes. But for now, I'd keep them away from each other. At least until she's able to use her leg again."
"How long do you think that will take?" Melanie asks.
"A month, at most. I'll be able to remove the stitches in two weeks, as long as she doesn't bite at them. You two will have to keep a close watch on her. I recommend a cone for the night time when she can't be supervised. I'll throw it in with the rest of the items she'll need. You can pick her up tomorrow, if that's okay. I'd like to take her home and supervise her overnight."
I glance at Melanie nervously. The idea of somebody else having control of my dog for a night scares me, but I know that I shouldn't be worrying so much. This woman is a vet, a good one, and I know she doesn't mean any harm. But the world is scary, and...it's hard for me to trust people.
"I think that's fine," Melanie nods.
"Mel..." My eyes widen.
"Come on, Justin," Mel chuckles. "What are we going to be able to do for her tonight? If something goes wrong, we have no place to go. The office will be closed. It's safer this way. She'll be in good hands."
"But she's just a baby," I groan.
"I assure you, everything will be fine Mr. Timberlake," the vet smiles and puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "She's in good hands. I've been running my own practice here for fifteen years."
"Listen to the lady," Mel nudges me a little. "Come on, Brennan will be fine. Let's just go home, okay?"
I shrug. I know that no matter what I say, the vet and Melanie will overrule me in an instant. "If you think it's okay, then I guess it's okay."
"Get some rest," the vet says, and Melanie begins to lead the way to the door. "We'll see you tomorrow."
I grunt a goodbye as I plod out the door behind Melanie. I get in the car silently, and slam the door closed, waiting for Melanie to take her place in the drivers seat. She does, and sighs as she meets my gaze. "I don't know why we have to leave her here," I mutter.
"Justin," she narrows her eyes at me as she pulls her seatbelt on. "It's the right thing to do. Brennan needs a doctor, she doesn't need us trying to figure out what to do if her stitches get ripped out during the night. Besides, I think Buckley needs a day to blow off some steam."
"Stupid dog," I grunt. "I'm leaving him outside tonight."
"Justin..."
"I mean it." I cross my arms and stare straight ahead. "You had the say just now with Brennan. Don't tell me how to handle Buckley."
"Oh god, whatever." Melanie turns the key in the ignition with a shake of her head, and doesn't say anything else to me.
The rest of the car ride is silent. I spend the time scowling with my arms crossed because Melanie just can't understand why I'm so frustrated. A complete stranger has my puppy overnight. I don't know if she'll be cold, or scared, or lonely. I wish I could tell Mel to turn the car back around...that I've changed my mind. But it's impossible. A choice was made and the only thing I can do is wait until tomorrow to reclaim my dog and help her get better.
"I wish you'd leave him alone, Justin," Melanie plants her hands on her hips once we're back inside my house, and shakes her head as I pull Buckley out from his hiding place under the kitchen table by the fur on the back of his neck. "He's just as confused as we are."
"I don't care," I grunt as I storm outside with him, trying the best I can to ignore his whimpers and groans. I tie him to the dog run, and barely look at him as I start to storm back towards the house again. Now he's howling, loudly so I can't ignore it. I glance back over my shoulder and see that he's sitting down, staring after me, like I'm abandoning him. It's a terrible site to see. I even feel myself starting to get choked up inside, but...no. I can't give in. He did the unspeakable. Just like I did once. He needs to learn, just like I did, that you can't get away with it so easily. I take a breath, and keep walking.
The howling just gets louder.
I reach the house and quickly get inside, shutting the glass door quickly behind me and locking it, drawing the blinds closed so I can't be tempted to look out at the howling animal anymore.
"Did you prove your point?" Melanie asks me after a moment, from her place in the kitchen door frame. "Now that he's howling like that you must feel pretty good, Justin."
"I know what I'm doing," I say to her darkly. I know how I sound and I know it's bad, but I guess....I guess I'm just freaked out..
Remembering things I don't want to.
"Oh yeah," she raises and eyebrow and walks past me. She slides open the glass door again, and walks outside.
I know what she's doing.
"Melanie!" I call out the door as she goes to Buckley's side and removes the run from his collar and picks him up. "What are you doing?"
"Going home!" She calls back to me angrily. "He may have done a horrible thing, Justin, but he doesn't deserve to be abandoned. I'd never do that to you."
"This isn't about me," I grunt.
"I think that it is," she nods, as she cradles Buckley in her arms. "I think it's about a lot of things, Justin. Things that you can't tell me about right now, and that's okay. But I can't stand by and let you do things like this to a puppy. It's ridiculous."
I can't even say anything to her, because she's so fucking right and I can't understand how she just...knows. I stare at her for awhile, like a complete fool, waiting for her to explain herself. Waiting for her to tell me that she's known all along what I really am.
What I let him do to me.
"God, stop looking at me like that, will you? I'll come back tomorrow when you're a little less crazy," she scoffs. "Try to relax or something. Buck and me are going to hang out. Call me if you need something though. There's some leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry later."
"But Mel..."
She doesn't look back as she starts to walk back to the guest house. She doesn't care if I'm upset, because she thinks I'm being ridiculous. I know I am too. I wish I could teach myself how to stop overreacting. I mean, I'm starting to. I'm taking small steps every day and getting a little bit better. But I have a ways to go before I can hope to be normal and stop freaking Mel out all the time. With a sigh I head back into the house, and miserably throw myself down on the couch. I try to lose myself in some TV for awhile, but it's boring and I keep thinking about the same shit over and over again. I turn it off...try to play some X-box for awhile, but I stop because it keeps reminding me of Melanie and how dumb I must have looked to her before.
Man the fuck up, Justin.
I nod to myself. Right. I need to. I have to get the fuck over what happened to Kerri. That's what's really making me a mess today more than anything. I saw the blood and I just...remembered. And it's fucking horrible but I need to move on. Melanie is right. I do need closure, even though she really doesn't know what that closure is. Hell, maybe I should find out where Kerri is. Even if I apologized, and she didn't accept it...at least I could tell myself that I did it. That I bettered myself because of it...because I finally took responsibility for my actions instead of hiding from them.
There's only one problem with getting that closure though.
Trace is the only one who can help me, and he's been very reluctant to give me much information about Kerri's whereabouts. I could push him but I just don't know how he would react. It's like he doesn't want me getting involved in her life again. It makes me wonder if he knows what happened but...I really don't think so. If he knew, he wouldn't be able to keep it from me. So then, I guess he just knows how fucked up Kerri became because of our relationship, and he doesn't want to see her crumble again.
Part of me thinks Trace is justified in keeping her away from me, but the other part of me...the part that knows a side of Kerri that Trace never has, and never will, is telling me to go for it, to find my closure and move on with my life.
But I think the real question here is, am I really ready to face Kerri, look her in the eyes and see the pain that lurks inside of her every day because of what I did? It makes me sick to think about it. I'd rather keep hiding. But I have a powerful force that's keeping me from giving into my fears. Melanie. The girl I love, that I want to love me back. If I want a future for us, I know I have to do this.
I just wish I knew how to take the first step towards forgiveness.
