I've been forgetting things.  Stupid, little things about him.  Like his scent, the sound of his breathing as he sleeps, and the texture of his skin.  I shouldn't care, but I do.  I'm stupid.  Justin's not dead, but...it's been a long time, and I guess Cooper has been such a good distraction that my mind has been slipping up, making me forget the little things I used to love about Justin.

I hate that it's come to this.

I'd pulled the strength to go back to work from someplace deep inside, where the person I used to be is still lurking, trying to find a way back to reality again.  I'd been terrified, confused.  I didn't know what awaited me if I returned, because of what happened with David. I knew I could have been ridiculed or laughed out of the radio station, but at the same time I was tired of being weak, of being manipulated by people like him.  It had gone on for entirely too long, and the fact that I almost let David take complete advantage of me proved that I needed to wake the fuck up and take control of my life again.  

The office had been busy as usual when I walked into it the next morning.  Susan had dropped me off as always, and somehow I'd managed to completely fool her into believing nothing was wrong with me.  I'd been glad.  Granted, I was acting completely fake and I knew it was bad for me.  At the same time though, I wasn't in the mood for a lecture.  I knew what was going on.  My integrity was at stake and breaking down, being emotional, would have only landed me a in a place that I desperately didn't want to be anymore.  I'd made my way over to my desk once I'd gotten off the elevator, not really knowing what to expect, but fearing the worst.  Then I saw Tarin sitting at it, having a conversation with David,  and I'd frozen in my tracks.  There was a box resting on the floor, filled with the few things I'd taken the time to decorate my desk with after David promoted me.

My time in the position had expired.

I was getting what I deserved for being such an idiot.

They'd noticed me standing there after awhile.  Tarin made eye contact but didn't give me much of a reaction. She sort of glanced at David, before getting up and leaving the room without giving me a second look.  Then it was just the two of us.  David and I.  He was smirking at me like it was going to be the best day of his life, and I wanted to run and hide someplace...call Trace for help.  But I couldn't do anything like that.  It was my problem, not his, even though he'd told me he would handle it.

I didn't want him "handling" anything.

"Morning, Kerri," David said, with a snide tone.  "How about I show you your new office?"

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say.  I knew whatever he was about to "show" me was probably something shitty, and the logical part of me was screaming at me to get out while I still could.  I don't know why I didn't.  I guess I knew I didn't have much else.  If I ran away, I don't know where I would have gone.  Nobody else was about to hire somebody like me to intern for them, and I knew Trace wasn't about to stick his neck out for me again.  He'd already done that, and most likely embarrassed himself because of it.

So, against my better judgement, I followed David downstairs.

"Here you go."  He yanked open a door that led into a small utility closet, and handed me a clipboard with a checklist attached to it.  "You follow the list, make two rounds a day, and you're all set."  

I'd looked down at the clipboard in my hands, and cringed.  It was a maintenance checklist.  Bathrooms, office trash...things that needed to be cleaned around the station on a daily basis.  I looked up at him in disbelief as I realized what was happening.  "David..."

"Hey." He reached out, flashing me a sick smile as he'd touched my face gently.  "You know, I've been doing some thinking.  If you're willing to reconsider, we can forget this whole thing."

I'd pulled back in disgust. "Don't fucking touch me."

He'd frowned, and shaken his head.  "You brought this on yourself, girl.  If you do a good job, maybe I'll consider letting you file or something..." he trailed off and laughed.  "In a year or so."

I shook my head.  "You can't do this," I muttered.  

"But I can," he laughed.  "And I gave you fair warning, I told you why I promoted you and what I expected from you.  You didn't follow through, Kerri.  So get to it, before I throw you out on your ass. My office needs to be cleaned."

He straightened his tie and winked at me before walking away.  I was left with a dirty closet full of mops, brooms and other cleaning supplies, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  How the hell could I get ahead if I didn't really have a place in the intern program anymore?  David had basically demoted me down to his personal maid and it didn't look like he was about to cut me a break anytime soon.  I slid down to the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and began to quietly sob.  I was hopeless, and nobody else gave a shit what happened to me.  Well, nobody except Cooper, but I couldn't involve him.  If I did, I would have had to explain exactly why David had demoted me, and I knew Cooper wouldn't have understood.  He would have left, and I'd become so hopelessly attached to him that I couldn't have handled it.

With as much dignity as I could muster, I pulled the little maintenance cart out of the closet and decided to make the best of the situation.  I did my best to avoid the main floor as long as I could.  I didn't want the other girls to see me, and I especially didn't want Tarin to.  I knew she would get a kick out of seeing me with rubber gloves and a duster, and the last thing I wanted was for her to have the last laugh.  But of course, I couldn't hide forever, and eventually I was left with no other choice but to hit the main floor.  Of course, half a dozen interns were milling around as I got off the elevator, and Tarin had been seated at her usual desk...the one that had been mine just a few days earlier.  I realized things were carrying on as if I had never been promoted.  Tarin had been given back her position, and I was nothing more than a piece of shit being paid to take out the garbage.

David had definitely been true to his word.

I began to empty the trash, being able to hear the snickers and whispers surrounding me as I changed the liners.  I could feel Tarin staring at me from time to time, and I wanted to look at her, glare at her, and tell her what a bitch she was for allowing David to treat me the way he was. But I knew I couldn't take my aggressions out on her.  I had taken her job, and hadn't considered her feelings about the situation beforehand.  It was time for her to get revenge, I realized.  I was just glad she wasn't making me feel any worse than I already did.

But that was a premature thought.

"Hey Tarin," A girl named Jessie had laughed after a few minutes.  "I didn't know we had a new maintenance girl."

It had taken a few moments for Tarin to answer.  At first I thought she wasn't going to.  That she knew it was stupid to encourage her associates, and it was more mature to just leave things alone.  But when I saw that little smirk creep across her face, the one that she always flashed when she was getting an idea in her head, I knew I was in for it.  I felt myself tense up inside, preparing for utter embarrassment.

"Yeah, David picked her up right off the street. He said she was eating something out of the garbage and felt for her," Tarin shrugged.  "I think she speaks english.  You do, don't you?" she asked, focusing her gaze on me.  "Make sure you use mouthwash.  Garbage probably makes your breath smell really nasty."

Cackles surrounded me, and I felt my face turn bright red as I reached down to empty another trash can.

"Hey Kerri, what happened?" Jessie continued, with sarcastic sympathy.  "I thought you were the big boss now?"

I didn't answer.

"Project David failed," Tarin replied.  "You know how that goes, Jess."

The anger had risen inside of me.  I'd snapped to attention immediately, and glared over at Tarin.  "You know better than most about how it can fail though, right Tarin?  Like when you get a new boyfriend, stop fucking your boss to get ahead, and he gives your job to the new girl...that kind of fail."

Silence filled the office for several moments.  The girls stared at me while Tarin and I stared at each other, willing the other one to make the next comment.  But when Tarin didn't say anything else to me, I'd just laughed and shaken my head.  "That's what I thought."  

I'd continued my work, not thinking anything of my outburst.  It made her shut up, and the rest of them shut up, and that was all that mattered.  But when I felt somebody shove me hard from behind, and I fell to the floor, I knew I had made a mistake.  I'd embarrassed Tarin in front of her employees, and probably should have figured there would be a consequence.

"Smart ass little bitch." Tarin snapped, glaring darkly as she loomed above me.  "You're getting what you deserve."

One of the other girls had lifted the garbage bag that I'd been using to dump all of the trash into out of it's container then, and shot me a devilish smile.  "Come on."  I pleaded.  "That's really immature."

"Do it," Tarin smirked.

I was covered in trash before I knew what was happening, and all I could hear were the girls laughing at how pathetic I was.  I felt like crying, like running away, but I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.  I tried to think back to when I was stronger...what I would have done...

I knew I would have picked myself back up and cleaned up the mess without causing anymore drama.

"Trashy Kerri," Tarin laughed, when I'd managed to get back on my feet.  "That definitely fits you.  You have some lettuce in your hair," she'd cackled.  "It's a nice look."

I'd reached up and pulled it away as they all walked past me.  A few of them kicked some of the trash at me, the others just pointed and laughed.  Tarin was the last one to leave the office, and I was on the brink of tears, hoping that she would just leave me the hell alone.  I felt so stupid, and knew I should have fought back...pushed her or something, but I was tired of going back and forth.  I wanted to get the mess cleaned, finish the rounds David had laid out of for me, and get back to my life.  Most of all, I wanted to get back to Cooper...the only one who seemed to give a damn if I was miserable or scared.

"Don't test me," Tarin said coldly, as I continued to pick up the mess.  "You're lucky you're still here."

I turned to her, not wanting to talk to her but...being so angry that I couldn't help myself.  "Are you done?"

She crossed her arms.  "Why don't you just save yourself the trouble, and quit?  You're crazy if you think David is ever going to help you now."

"I'm not a quitter," I whispered, staring her straight in the eyes.  "And I'm not going to give you the fucking satisfaction."

She stared at me like she couldn't understand my logic.  After all, she had just humiliated me.  Anybody else would have broken down and run away.  But she didn't know me.  She didn't know what I'd been through...what I'd survived, and despite the fact that I was scared about what was in store for me, I knew I could deal with it.

Because I had dealt with Shane, Nathan...

And what Justin did.

"You better get this cleaned up before David comes down."  It was all she could seem to say, before walking away from me.  Her voice had been filled with a little bit of uncertainty too.

And for some reason, as crazy as it was, I felt like I sort of won that round.

I did the best I could to put the day's events behind me when I met Cooper for dinner later that night.  I always tried my best not to discuss work, or the people in my life when I was with him.  It made me feel good to keep him separated from all that.  I guess I felt he could view a different side of me, just because he didn't know how fucked up my life could really be at times. 

Although, I knew things would change once I started bringing Trace around him.  The drama that surrounded my life would be unavoidable once they started becoming comfortable around each other.  I should talk to him about everything before that happens of course, but I know I won't.  I like this little bit of sanity I have with him.  Maybe that's selfish of me.  I mean, I'm shielding him from a bunch of shit that he needs to know about if we're going to have a committed relationship.

I guess a part of me is still holding out on that whole commitment thing though.  I mean, Cooper's great.  I'm happy...really happy with him, and that's saying a lot.  I never thought I'd be able to date anybody else besides Justin, and have genuine feelings for that person at the same time.  It's a good thing that I've found Cooper, that I'm forming this crazy attraction to him.  We could have a future.  Hell, he wants me to move into his family's house with him so I won't have to stay at the group home anymore.  That's selfless.

I know he's about to fall in love with me.

Cooper didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to stay at his house that night, he just drove us back there. It was the first time he had ever done something like that, but I wasn't uncomfortable with it.  I knew I was wanted, and when he led me upstairs and into his bedroom, I didn't protest.  I could trust Cooper.  He wasn't the type to take advantage of me, and he definitely wasn't going to let me take advantage of him.  He proved it when he'd stopped my sexual advances towards him that day we made out at the lookout point, and we haven't really been much more physical since then.  It's okay too...

Because I don't know how I would react if I had sex with somebody else yet.

I fell asleep in his arms while he watched Sports Center, which I'd discovered was a nightly ritual for him.  I've never been much for sports news.  I'll watch a game.  Justin, Trace, and I used to go to Lakers games years ago, and I'd have fun with them.  But I guess it was probably because I was with them...not because I was at a sporting event.  Cooper has a birthday coming up, and I've been thinking about looking into getting some tickets for him.  I have some money saved up from work, and I know he'd love to go.  He spends so much time catering to his sisters, going to school and work, that he never has much time to spend going out.  We mostly just do dinner or the movies, which is fine with me.  But I'd like to give him a little something extra I guess, just to say thank you.

I awoke the next morning to him smiling down at me, a tray of food in his arms.  He'd cooked me breakfast, and I hadn't been able to hide my smile as I sat up in bed.  "Cooper, you shouldn't have done all that," I said softly, as he placed the tray on my lap and slid back into the bed with me.

"Why?" He kissed me on the cheek and stole a sausage link off my plate with a smile.  "I cooked for the girls.  I wanted to cook for you too."

I shrugged.  I felt so guilty, because I didn't do half as much for him as he did for me. Justin had never cooked me breakfast in bed.  Hell, I was the one who constantly cooked for him.  It was out of love of course, but still.  I guess being with Cooper was showing me how much somebody could care about me.

And how much Justin...never really did.

"Skip work today," he whispered as I dug into my scrambled eggs.  A moment later I felt his lips land on my neck, sending a thrilling feeling racing through me.  I'd dropped my fork and giggled, seriously considering taking him up on his offer.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it had only been one day.  David was still an asshole, and Tarin was still out to humiliate and degrade me any way she could.  Skipping work would have only made the situation worse.  I probably would have been fired. It sucked.

It sucked because Tarin could skip whenever she wanted to it seemed, and I was left to do her dirty work.

"I can't."  I pulled him close to me and kissed him on the mouth, stroking his hair gently afterward as I stared into his bright eyes.  "I have a huge project that's due."

"But baby."  He  gave me his best sad little boy look.  "Don't you wanna just lay here and cuddle? Come on, it's only a day.  Besides, you're tired.  You even said so last night at dinner.  I can tell you're worn out."

I wished I could have told him why I was so tired, but I knew it was out of the question at that point.  "I wish I could." I smiled at him.  "But I have to go, and you should study for that exam you have coming up anyway.  You can pick me up at four, and we can continue where we left off."

He sighed, but flashed me his infamous smile in the end, and I knew he understood.  "Promise?"

I laughed and kissed him again.  "I promise."

Little did I know, that I'd have to go back on my word when the events of the day took place.

Cooper had dropped me off at work, calmly easing me into a small make out session before he let me get out of the car.  I figured some of the girls probably saw.  I had spotted two or three of them smoking cigarettes as we pulled up, but I didn't really care.  It was a part of my life that they didn't know about. A part of my life that they couldn't touch, and I loved that.  I guess I was starting to realize why Justin was such a private person, and how he felt when people tried to pry into his life.  A relationship was something that was meant to be private, between two people who cared about each other.  It definitely wasn't the rest of the worlds business.

I forced the morning to fly by, cleaning out offices and closets like a fiend, desperate for four o'clock to hit so I could go back to what mattered.  I avoided Tarin like the plague, not caring about her glares or what the other girls were saying to her about me.  It had almost been one by the time I made my way up to the executive floor, ready to take a break for a few minutes and grab something to eat.

But I wasn't prepared for what would happen next.

I spied Trace almost immediately as I got off the elevator, and I'd frozen in my place for a few moments, trying to figure out what was going on.  I saw him talking to David's secretary, Janice, and all I could remember was Trace telling me how he was going to "handle the situation".  I'd been trying to put that whole night out of my head too, but in that moment it all came rushing back to me.  I'd been terrified, because I didn't know what had been said.  I called out to him and he'd turned.  That was when I saw the blood trickling from his mouth, and I knew the situation had gone from bad to worse.

Naturally, he did his best to avoid me once he'd noticed me standing there, but I wasn't about to let him walk away without a fight.  Something had come over me.  The fact that David had probably punched my best friend in the face sent waves of anger surging through my body.  I felt responsible and I wanted to know the details.  Most of all, I wanted to know what Trace had said or done to make the situation escalate that much.

He seemed terrified when he realized I wasn't going anywhere, and it made me want to take charge of the situation.  I knew that Trace needed a friend then, despite the fact that he never would have asked me for the kind of help I gave him.  He thought I was too weak to take his hand and get him out of there unnoticed.  But I did it, and I was proud of myself for holding back my emotions for once.

I know he was proud of me too.

Offering to drive him home was something I never would have done if I knew the details of what happened beforehand.  I knew that Trace didn't want to tell me either.  He just wanted me to look the other way and let him "handle it".  He didn't want me to care about what he had to do to make my life okay.  But he was stupid to think that I would have let him go without an explanation.  But...after he told me, I knew why he wanted to hold back in the first place.

"David wants Justin at the station for an interview," he'd told me.  "He said that if I get him the interview, he'll get you into whatever radio station you want, no questions asked.  So I said I'd set it up.  Then he started saying some crazy shit about Tarin so...things sort of escalated.  He was just too quick for me.  I never saw his fist coming at me until it was too late."

The news hit me hard, and it only took seconds for me to start losing my composure.  Sure, I was curious to how Justin was doing.  I longed for him, hell, ached for him at times.  But I knew it was too soon for me to handle a face to face situation with him, especially at work...a place I was humiliated almost on a daily basis.  Had Trace gone nuts?  At that moment I thought so.  I started to cry, freak out a little bit, and Trace just didn't understand why.  In his mind it was only one day, and I wouldn't even have to speak to Justin if I didn't want to.  He was only looking out for me, for my future.

I should have been grateful to him for doing what he did.

But Trace had no idea why I was so terrified of seeing Justin again, and as much as I didn't want to tell him, as much as I knew it could ruin the friendship they'd been trying to rebuild, I didn't feel like I had any other choice.

So I went there.  I told him the truth about that night.  I felt calmer inside once the words were out, but I could feel a strong urge of impending doom in the pit of my stomach.  I knew that no matter what, Trace wasn't going to be able to view Justin the same way.  Sure, I'd made him promise not to say anything, and I knew he wouldn't.  But still.  I knew he was really pissed off. Not to mention how awkward it would be for him the next time he hung out with Justin.  I wish I could have felt more relieved about the situation.  Trace knew exactly why it was that I'd been so fucked up now, and that should have made things better between us.  I had no more secrets to keep from him, no more reasons to lie, but I couldn't be happy about it.

All I really felt, was that I was destroying a bond between Trace and Justin that had been tampered with entirely too much over the past year.

But I didn't press my feelings with him.  I figured he was stressed out and in enough pain as it was without me whining and carrying on.  So I maintained my strength and drove us back to his condo.  I took care of him, kidded around with him like the old version of myself would have.  He seemed to brighten up at her presence, wanted to keep her around for the long run it seemed.  I know he misses her

I wish I could bring her back full time.

Despite the fact that Trace and I had an okay time hanging out that afternoon, it pissed me off when he couldn't even tell Tarin he was hanging out with me.  He lied, made me text her that he was with his sister instead.  I know I should have understood, but it angered me.  It was like he wanted to hide our friendship from Tarin simply because she got angry when we were together.  That wasn't my problem, and I made sure he knew I was annoyed when he dropped me off.  I'm sure he thought nothing of my attitude though.  That afternoon had made him view me in a different way...like he could talk to me again, and get away with shit like he'd always been able to. If I was really spiteful I would have told Tarin that I fucked her boyfriend on the hopes that she would dump him.

But I care about Trace too much to hurt him like that.  As much as it sucks, I know he loves her, and it's something I have to accept.

Cooper had been slightly annoyed that I hadn't called him to pick me up from work that day, and I felt like an idiot, realizing that I had completely forgotten our plans because of what happened with Trace.  I apologized, told him he could come pick me up from Susan's if he wanted to.  But...he told me he wasn't in the mood, that he waited outside of my job for an hour and that I hadn't answered any of my phone calls.  I felt like shit.  I knew I had let him down, and he probably could have made other plans if I had bothered to call him and tell him something came up .

But I was selfish.  Trace had been the only person I could focus on that day.  Hell, I barely even remembered I sort of had a boyfriend before I started telling Trace about how I wanted them to meet.

I quickly realized I couldn't be that way with Cooper. He wasn't up for games, and made that pretty clear to me when he told me that he was frustrated and didn't really know where my heart was. That he felt like he was overworking himself with me a lot of the time, and that I wasn't as into him as he was into me.

He told me to think about what he said, cutting off my apologies.

Then he hung up on me.

I hated myself.  He wasn't Justin.  He wasn't the type to shrug his shoulders and find something else to do if I ditched him.  Then again...I never ditched Justin.  Suddenly I realized that I acted around Justin, just like Cooper acted around me.  Pushing for a way in, trying to prove how much I loved him.  It wasn't fair to me...and I knew I wasn't being fair to Cooper.  I had to make up my fucking mind, and deep down I knew I didn't want to blow things with Cooper.  I knew I could fall in love with him, if I just let go of my fucking undying hope that Justin and I could be together again someday.

It's simple to let go too...focus on Cooper...drown out my sorrows and be my own person again.

But I won't.  As fucked up as it is, I'm...I'm still in love with Justin.  I still see him in my dreams, good ones and bad ones.

I wake up crying sometimes because I miss him so much.

I think it would break me if I had to suddenly admit that he'll never be a part of my life again.

And that really sucks for Cooper.

Somehow, I managed to make it back into work the next day, despite the fact that I barely slept.  I kept tossing and turning, waking up from one nightmare after the next.  Justin was in all of them.  Sometimes he was the villain, sometimes he would be trying to save me but get there too late.  It was so dark and horrible.  I woke up sweating, clinging to my pillow for some sort of comfort that wasn't there.  I had nobody to get me through the night.  I wished I hadn't been such an asshole to Cooper, because I knew things would have been different if I had been sleeping at his side.  I gave that comfort up for Trace, and why? He wasn't there for me, I couldn't call him.  Tarin never would have let him live it down.

The truth was, no matter how much he said he cared and wanted me around, Trace had moved on.  He had moved on with his life, and I needed to get a fucking grip on mine.

I'd been staggering around the maintenance closet that morning, getting my stuff together so I could start cleaning, when I felt somebody tap me on the shoulder.  I groaned, figuring it was going to be David rambling off some stupid task for me to perform, and I turned around, knowing the look on my face was anything but pleasing.

"Put that stuff away," Tarin had said darkly, staring me down with her arms crossed.  

My mouth had hung open slightly.  At first I thought I was still dreaming, because I didn't know why the hell she would have come all the way downstairs to talk to me, and I'd shaken my head a little to see if I would snap out of it.

But I realized I was wide awake.

"Why?" I whispered.

"Because David says you're back upstairs as of today," she huffed.  

I wasn't stupid.  I knew exactly what happened but I was sure she didn't, so I kept my mouth shut.  The shit that took place the previous day between Trace and David had bought me a ticket out of David's special maintenance enrichment program.  I wanted to be happy about it, but the fact that Tarin was glaring at me like she was made me feel sick to my stomach.  I knew I hadn't really won.  I was going to be working with her again, and she hated me.  There was no real escape, but I knew anything was better than being up to my neck in garbage everyday.  "Oh...okay."

"You have your old job back.  But, if you put a fucking finger out of line, I'll make sure you never work with me again," Tarin told me angrily as she led the way back upstairs.  "You got a break, even though I have no fucking idea why.  So you better just tread lightly.  Understand?"

She was pissed and it made me smile.  Poor Tarin hadn't gotten her way, because Justin Timberlake was much more of an asset to David than she would ever be.  It was a treat for me to see her knocked down so far.  I could tell she was tired, and part of me figured she'd had a lengthy conversation with David that morning, telling him just why it was that he should have kept me picking through the trash.

I wish I could have seen the look on her face when he told her to get a fucking clue.  

Seeing her like that gave me a confidence boost.  Reminded me of the strong girl I'd turned into just days before.  I'd melted back into work quickly, conquering every task Tarin threw at me that day without blinking an eye.  I knew she resented me for it.  I knew she hated the fact that I could look her in the eye, smile, and think nothing of her glares or crude comments to me.
For once I was being strong, and acting like the girl that everyone in my life has always known.  

Although, today is different.  Today I'm acting like an asshole once again.

If it weren't for the fact that he looks so good I would have closed the page awhile ago, but I can't bring myself to do it.  I stumbled on it completely by accident.  I never go on tabloid blogs, but I had to look up something for Tarin.  She's putting together something for a radio spot but needed additional information, and of course since I've now been promoted back to Tarin's office minion, the task was given to me.  I'd entered in the website and pressed enter, miserably drumming my fingers on top of the desk, silently wishing I could sneak out of work and go see Cooper.  I still felt horrible about the argument we'd had over the phone, and because we hadn't spoken since, I was afraid that I would lose him if I didn't try to change things soon.  I pulled out my cell while I let the page load, hoping I could sneak him a phone call...maybe try to set up a dinner date with him tonight.    

I was looking forward to hearing his voice.  I really missed him, despite the fact that it had only been a couple of days.  But then...my eyes landed on a simple sentence that forced me to push Cooper aside once again.

Exclusive first sighting: 3/29 Justin Timberlake visits the Beverly Hills Hotel with friends.  Talks of new material.  Pics and more here.

I felt like the link had slapped me in the face, because I found myself short of breath all of a sudden.  When I moved the mouse over the words ‘Pics and more here', they turned a pretty pink color, inviting me to click them and see what they held in store.  I didn't want to click the link.  I forced myself to go up to the page's search bar instead, and type in the artist that Tarin had instructed me to find in the first place.  For a few minutes, I was able to forget about it.  I printed out the information needed, had some coffee, stole Tarin's anxiety ball off her desk and squeezed it until it nearly burst open.  Then I caved in.  I knew I couldn't resist because it had been so long and well...

I guess I just really wanted to see Justin more than I had originally thought.

I clicked the link like some kind of obsessive psycho, hating myself for doing it, but so hungry for him that I didn't care at the same time.  The pictures loaded quickly, and within seconds I was lost in them.  He'd been there with Trace, Sonia who had been his publicist for years, and of course, Eric.  But I quickly phased everybody else out of the pictures.  My eyes lingered on Justin and Justin only. I couldn't make myself tear my gaze away.  He looked so good...so unbelievably good.  Clad in a baseball cap, jeans, and simple white polo, it was the best I'd seen him look in a long time.  He had color in his face.  That despondence and misery I'd come to know so well was gone from his expression. No, he wasn't smiling.  I mean, they were paparazzi photos after all.  To anyone else, he seemed to be acting like a cocky asshole.  But I knew he wasn't.  I could see something in his eyes, telling me that he was content.  No, not completely happy but...content.

I was smiling like an idiot.

I still am.

"What are you doing?"

I quickly close the window when I hear Tarin's voice from behind me, and look back over my shoulder at her.  "Nothing."

She crosses her arms and shakes her head.  "Bull."

"Here."  I thrust the documents she asked for in her face, trying to prove my point.  "This is what you asked for."

A mean little smile spreads across her face, and she leans over me, brushing my hand away from the mouse and snatching it so she can click the internet icon.  I watch in horror as the screen comes up, and she goes into the history, clicking on the last link visited.  Justin immediately comes into view again, and I feel myself crumbling.  It's so fucking embarrassing, and it just gives Tarin another reason to think I'm a good for nothing.  

She smirks.  "Nothing, huh?"

"I don't care what you think.  It's just a picture."

"I was watching you," she points out.  "You were staring at it for ten minutes like you were a lost little girl."  She sighs and shakes her head.  "I certainly hope you're not going to do that on Tuesday.  It would be embarrassing to the station.  The last thing we need is someone of Justin's stature to degrade us."

At this point I don't care what embarrasses the station.  I know the only reason I'm still here is because of what happened between Trace and David.  They made a deal and because of that, David agreed to let me keep my job until I decide where I want to transfer to.  No, I'm not in Tarin's position anymore but I don't want to be anyway.  The less I have to deal with David the better.  Even though I'm Tarin's little assistant again, and she's a bitch, it's better than him staring at me...or degrading me because I don't want to get physical with him.  "Maybe I'll just stay home on Tuesday," I say softly.

"You better not," she warns me.  "It's a big day and we need everybody here to help out.  Grow up, Kerri."

Naturally, everybody needs to run around frantic because Lord Justin is gracing us with his presence.  He's such a spoiled fucking shit, and I can't stand it.  I shouldn't have to deal with it.  Not after what we've been through, and certainly not after what he did.  But Tarin doesn't know.  She'd like to think she knows, because she's fucking Trace and he supposedly loves her.  I mean, yeah, okay he does love her, but that's besides the point.  Tarin doesn't know my history with Justin.  Hell, she barely knows my history with Trace.  I know it's better because she'd probably get overwhelmed and freak out or something.  I just wish she wouldn't act like such a know it all when it comes to my life.  "Whatever, Tarin."  I roll my eyes and turn away from her. I hate that it's lunch time and we're the only ones in the office right now.  It means I can't hide from her, and I desperately want to.

I miserably watch her as she goes over to the fax machine and starts to feed papers into it.  She's humming to herself and smiling a little like all is right with the world.  I don't like her at all, but I do wish I had her confidence...her ability to act completely carefree all the time.  If I did, I think I'd be a hell of a lot better off.  But I'm still learning, and it's going to be a long time until I have that much of a grasp on my life on daily basis. Sometimes I can do it.  Mostly when I'm with Cooper, because he makes me forget.  I feel myself smile, but then it fades.

I'm fucking that all up too.

"David needs this typed up in an hour."  Tarin tosses me a thick bunch of papers that are  stapled together.  "Can you handle that?"

I sigh and look up at her. I should have told Trace the truth about the garbage.  That she pushed me down and let that other intern pour it all over me.  I don't know why I didn't.  I had the perfect opportunity. We were on the subject, and he admitted that she could be a pain in the ass.  Telling him the reality of her attitude could have made him dump her.  But...I guess I just have too much of a conscience.  And I know I want Trace to be happy, no matter how much he neglects me these days.

"I don't understand why you treat me like shit all the time," I finally say to her.  "What did I ever do to you that was so horrible, Tarin?"

She stares at me for a little while, seemingly trying to find the right choice of words.  Then she perks up a little bit, and leans on the desk so she can stare straight into my eyes.  "I don't like manipulative little bitches," she whispers.  "Especially when that bitch, is trying to manipulate my boyfriend.  If it were up to me, you wouldn't even be here anymore.  But I guess it doesn't matter.  You stole a position from me and you couldn't even handle it.  If anything, you should have tried to maintain your dignity a little bit.  Now look at you," she snickers.  "Sitting here, taking my orders, and gawking at a man that you can never have. But hey, I guess it's step up from lurking around in the garbage all day, right?"

I just laugh at her.  She's so fucking immature, and I know I could dish it right back to her...tell her how her boyfriend lies to her about a lot of things.  But one thing I've learned, is that it's better to rise above situations like this and let it go.  It's not worth it to stoop down to her level.  "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't call Trace anymore," she says bluntly and glares at me.  "This bullshit you pull on him day and night has gone on long enough."

I cross my arms and glare at her.  She can say all the shit she wants, but if she thinks that she can get me to stop talking to Trace...my best fucking friend, she's completely mistaken.  "Not happening," I say, not breaking my intense gaze from hers.  "I'm his best friend."

She rolls her eyes.  "Please.  Justin is his best friend, not you.  He feels obligated to you because you were...kidnapped or whatever.  That's all it is.  So go cry to somebody else.  Make somebody else come running to your rescue, Kerri.  It's not that big of a deal anymore, to anyone."

My mouth drops open.  Of all the things she could have brought up, the kidnapping was the last thing I ever thought she'd mention.  I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, and I want to slap her...push her to the ground and beat her ass because she wasn't there.  She didn't see the things I saw, and she certainly didn't...fucking...stand by and watch Justin break down because he was raped.  I did.  I know how it feels.  I live with the pain every single damn day, and at times Trace is the only one that seems to get why I'm still so lost.  "How...how could you say that to me?," I choke out.

"It's the truth," she states, matter of factly.  "Someone obviously needs to be blunt with you, and Trace certainly can't be the one to do it."

The tears quickly slide out of my eyes and trail down my face.  She had no right to bring the subject up, but she's a heartless bitch so she did it anyway.  I need to get out, be alone...or else I think I might flip the fuck out on her.  I get up and run out the office.  I think I hear her laughing a little bit, but I can't be too sure.  I reach the bathroom, and quickly lock myself inside of a stall.  I get sick, and it's disgusting, it tastes like coffee and blueberry muffin.  I flush and slide down to the floor, leaning against the toilet for support, and start cry hard, like I haven't cried in years.  It sucks.  Things were okay.  Telling Trace about what happened with Justin took a lot of weight off my shoulders.  There had been a spring in my step, and my heart had been filled with an almost careefree joy when I would see Cooper.  I try to think of him now, so I can get that feeling back, but it's impossible.  Tarin's voice keeps echoing in my mind.  Her snide tone blocking any good thoughts trying to break through.

"Are you serious right now?"

She's in here now too.  Why?  She just said the most unforgivable things to me, and now she's in here asking me why I'm upset.  What the fuck?  What planet is she on?  "Go away," I rasp.  "Get the fuck away from me."

"You gotta stop this."  I hear her sigh and a moment later, I can hear the stall door next to mine open and close again.  I see her slide down to the floor, and she's sitting next to me, the wall of the stall being the only barrier between us.  "I...oh god," she sighs.  "Look, I was wrong, okay?  I shouldn't have said that."

I don't care if she's sorry.  "Whatever."

"He's my boyfriend," she says quietly after a few moments.  "And I love him Kerri.  When I see him stressed out, because of something you said or did, it really pisses me off.  If you were me, you'd understand."

"And if you were me, you'd understand why I need him," I say, trying to make my voice sound stronger.  "He gets it.  He knows why I'm messed up, Tarin.  Who else am I supposed to turn to?"

"I just think it's selfish of you to burden him with all of your shit," she states.  "It's like, the  minute he's somewhat happy, you have to call him to your rescue.  You need to suck things up sometimes, you know?  It's called being an adult.  I understand that you went through something horrible, and yeah, I was out of line saying what I said to you before.  But you can't make what happened to you Trace's burden."

I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes.  As much as I hate it, the logical part of myself knows she has a point.  I do go crying to Trace a lot.  I mean, I know I've gotten better since he put me in my place, made me get out of his house and stuff.  I haven't been as weak with him, but I've still called him to help me out...or to just cry.  He's trying to have a life, and I'm just too selfish to back off.  I guess I should.  I should just leave him and Tarin to their lives and try to change mine...focus on Susan and Cooper and all the good things I have going for me.

But it's just so fucking hard.

And the harder I try...the more I change for the better due to my own efforts, I know a part of me will always miss having Trace by my side to put his arm around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I sniffle.  "Maybe you're right," I croak.

It's quiet for awhile.  She doesn't leave and neither do I.  I feel like asking her questions, like...does she really love Trace as much as he loves her.  But I'm liking this peaceful moment.  She's not ripping my head off or dumping garbage on me, and I'm not being a smart ass.  It's nice, and I know that the moment isn't going to last long.

"Kerri."

"Yeah?" I sigh.

"What did you let David do to you?"

I'm a little shocked that she'd ask.  Partially because I never thought she cared, and also because she's never asked me a question that didn't have some sort of spiteful remark hidden in it.  "Why do you want to know?"

"He just...leaves you alone now," she says softly.  "Usually when he messes around with a girl, he doesn't leave her alone unless she bails or he gets tired of her.  Why'd he let you stop cleaning the bathrooms and shit?  He never does that."

I can't tell her.  I know I can't, because there's no way in hell that Trace did.  If he had, she would have nixed the whole plan to have Justin come to the station on Tuesday.  I know that if I told her right now, everything Trace did for me, including getting punched in the face. will have been for nothing.  "He just figured it would be better if I helped you," I say quietly.  "He knew he was wrong."

"You're not a good liar.  You must have fucked him, or are continuing to fuck him."

"I never slept with him," I state, bluntly.  "I'd never sleep with him."

"David doesn't do favors for people that piss him off, Kerri," she laughs lightly.  "Believe me, I know.  I've known him for ten years, and he's the most manipulative asshole in the world."

"I know he is."  It's all I say, because I don't want to give her an inkling as to what's really going on.  I mean, that bruise on his face wasn't something Trace could have hid from her.  So I'm sure he had to make up some stupid story to tell Tarin so she wouldn't get suspicious.

"Trace and David fought," she says a moment later.  "He punched Trace in the face.  Did you know that?"

"He...told me that," I say slowly.  "But I didn't ask him for details."

"Oh."

"Look, Tarin," I sigh.  "Whatever happened, I'm sure that it's nothing Trace can't handle.  He's really organized and..."

"Don't," she chuckles.  "I have my opinion about the situation and I'm not changing my mind.  I just thought he might have told you something more about it or...maybe you saw something."

"I didn't see anything," I lie.  

"I tried to find you that day for a project," she points out.  "You weren't in the office."

Fuck.  "I was probably on an errand."

"For three hours?"

I don't know what I'm supposed to tell her.  I'm certainly not going to tell her the truth...that I was with Trace, because then she'll know that he lied.  I know that he meant well by telling her he was with his sister that day., even though it pissed me off.  But she'd never understand, not to mention the fact that she hates when he and I are alone together.

"Okay," I huff.  "I...I didn't tell anyone I left because I didn't want to get bitched at that's all.  I just went to see my boyfriend at his job. He was going on his break and I wanted to see him, then he just played hooky with me for the rest of the afternoon.  I"m sorry, Tarin."

"You have a boyfriend?"

She sounds shocked and I scowl.  "Yes."

"Shit," she chuckles.  "In a million years I never would have thought that."

"It's a recent thing," I mutter.

"God," she sighs.  "I really am paranoid."

"What do you mean?"

"I just...I thought you were with Trace."

"Oh."  I flinch a little, glad that there is a barrier blocking her view of me.  "Well, I wasn't."

"I just keep thinking....because he gets so desperate to save you sometimes...that you guys have feelings for each other."

I laugh.  "Trace and I had a relationship for about five minutes.  And you know, I'm still sorry that I told you that we were dating that time.  I don't know what was going on with me.  But I know that you guys are great together now.  He really loves you, Tarin.  You're all he can talk about sometimes."

"Really?"

She sounds surprised and I'm confused, but I guess she does have insecurities just like any other normal human being.  "Yeah.  You shouldn't get so worried.  Trace would never cheat on his girlfriend."

"I went through a lot with David," she says, and I can hear her voice crack slightly.  "He used me sort of like he used you.  Only...I let him do whatever he wanted, because I wanted to move up here.  It was a shitty way to be, and if I could go back in time I would stop myself.  I just...wish David could have been stopped before he got so powerful.  Now that he's general manager, nobody can seem to bring him down."

I get chills at what she's telling me.  Mostly because I never thought she could be so honest with me of all people, but also because I know somebody that could bring David Foster tumbling down to the ground.  Too bad it's Justin.  Too bad my friendship with him is so fucked up, that I'm ready to run and hide in a corner for the entire day on Tuesday.  "He'll get his," I reassure her.  "Just give it time.  He'll snap in front of the wrong person soon enough, and then he'll be the one cleaning out bathrooms."

"Man," she chuckles.  "I would pay to see David clean the bathroom."

"Me too."

"Kerri."

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry I made them dump garbage all over you."

I just sigh.  "Yeah.  I'm sorry I said all that stuff about you and David in front of the girls."

"Truce?"

It's so weird.  I felt like punching her twenty minutes ago, but now she seems different to me.  It's like she almost understands me now, and that makes me want to try and understand her.  "Truce," I say quietly.

It's silent for awhile more, before she speaks up again.  "Hey...can I tell you something, you know, so you can give me your opinion?"

Normally, I'd tell her to fuck off.  But she's being so different towards me right now...so understanding, that I can't tell her no.  "I'm not the best at giving my opinion, but I'll try."

"If I told Trace I was pregnant, what do you think he'd do?"

I freeze.  My blood runs cold, and I wish I could tear this wall down right now so I could look her in the eyes to tell if she's lying.  I try and tell myself that she's playing another crude joke on me, testing me to see if I'll go and tell Trace behind her back.  But I can't make myself believe it.  Tarin wouldn't do that regarding a subject like...pregnancy.  She just doesn't strike me that way. "Why would you tell him that?" I whisper.

"Come on, Kerri," she chuckles.  "I know you're smarter than that."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I took a pregnancy test, and it came out positive," she says quickly.  "So what do you think he'll say?"

I have no fucking clue.  Trace has never discussed the prospect of having kids, and I know that his life is too hectic for him to even consider doing it right now.  But now, I'm assuming Tarin is pregnant, due to the fact that the two of them fuck like rabbits.  I can picture the look on his face, actually.  He'll turn pale, his jaw will drop open...all of that.  I don't know if he'll run.  He'll probably want to think about what the fuck is going on though.  I know the first person he'll tell too...and it won't be me.  It'll be Justin.

But Justin is so unbalanced I don't know how he'll be able to console Trace whatsoever.

"He's going to piss himself probably," I say softly.

"Great."

"I mean, it's Trace.  He's mellow usually, unless somebody he cares about is in a bind or in danger.  Then he panics.  I don't know about a kid though.  It's one of those subjects we've sort of passed over.  That's how he and Justin are though.  They avoid serious shit like marriage and kids at all costs if they can."  I smile but it quickly fades.  I'm doing it again, acting like everything is fine and the two of them are still my best friends.  "The most he's ever said, is that he'd love to take his son hunting with him one day."

"I hope it's a girl," she says gruffly.  

"I'm not sure why you're telling me this," I say after awhile.  "I'm the last person you usually associate yourself with."

"Yeah, but you know him better than mostly everyone I know.  And I can't talk to Justin about it.  He's a guy...you know how it is."

"I guess."  I hold my head in my hands.  Christ.  Of all the things I should be talking to Tarin about in the bathroom, this is definitely not one of them.  The fact that she talks to Justin on a regular basis is unnerving, and I try desperately to rid my mind of the subject.

"When are you going to tell him?"

"Tonight," she mutters.  "I probably shouldn't have said anything to you.  I just...thought you could give me some kind of reassurance that he isn't going to freak out.  But it's stupid of me to think he won't.  He's not prepared and neither am I."

I'm tempted to ask her if she's sure the baby is even his, but I know how quickly Tarin's emotions can flare up, and I don't feel like having her jump down my throat all over again.  No, I'm going to leave this one alone...and I won't be calling Trace the first chance I get to tell him the news before his girlfriend can.  It wouldn't be right, it's not my place.

But I do hope he decides to call me...just to let me know how he feels about the whole thing.

Fuck, Trace with a kid?  I never would have thought it possible at this stage of his life, but it's happening.  From the moment she tells him, his entire life is going to change.

And I just don't know where I'm going to fit into the equation.

"I'd like to try being more civil with you Kerri," she speaks up softly, after a while.  "This situation is going to change a lot of things and...and even though I can be stubborn about your friendship with Trace, it's not going to make him stop wanting you to come around.  I have to accept that, and I'm willing to be mature about it."

I don't know if I can be her friend.  We're too different.  Girls like her usually aggravate the fuck out of me.  But I guess being civil with her doesn't mean I have to be her best friend.  She just wants to be able to tolerate me when I hang out with her boyfriend, and I guess I need to accept that, because it's obvious now that she's not going anywhere.  "If you're willing to try, I guess I am too."

I hear her stand up, and a moment later she's tapping on the door of my stall.  I get up slowly, not really sure what to expect when I view the person on the other side of it.  I open it, and she's standing there, her face stained with tears.  She looks so broken, a shell of the overly confident, gorgeous girl I've deemed to be the biggest bitch in the universe.  I realize she has no idea what to do, or what to expect.  Coming to me about her pregnancy was a last resort.  She's trying to find an answer to her issues even though there really isn't one.  For the first time, I can sort of relate to her.  I know what it's like to be lost, alone, and scared.

"I don't know what to do," she whispers, her bottom lip beginning to quiver.  "I don't want him to leave."

I reach out for her hand and squeeze it gently, shocked at myself for doing it, but feeling okay about it at the same time.  "He wouldn't leave," I whisper with a shake of my head.  "Trust me."

"How can you be so sure?  You've known him forever, yeah, but this has never been an issue in his life before.  He's not ready for a commitment."

"He saved me," I say, not quite meeting her gaze.  The last thing I want to do, is start getting into my issues with her, but I don't know how else to make her understand how committed Trace is to the people he cares about.  "I got into that accident and nobody was there for me besides Trace.  If I didn't have him, I don't even know where I would be right now.  He never left me, even when I was being impossible."

"But you moved out."

I nod.  "It was time," I whisper, knowing that I'm admitting that for the first time. "He needed time on his own to get his life back in order.  It wasn't fair for me to hang around and distract him from that.  I had too many issues.  I...still do.  But they're not weighing him down anymore, and that makes me feel better, you know?"

She nods a little.  "We should get back."

I barely meet her gaze.  "Yeah, I guess we should."  I'm so fucking tempted to ask her about Justin right now.  I don't know though.  It's dangerous, because she probably thinks Justin knows I work here, and she has no idea how bad off our friendship is.  I know if she mentioned me to him, things could get very bad.  I have to be strong and wait things out, not beg Tarin to send Justin some stupid message from me.  It's lame, and he'd get creeped out by it.

Trace would kill me anyway.

I follow her back into the office, and she casually tells me to come to her if David gives me anymore problems, before wandering back to her desk.  I know things are starting to change, and it's so weird.  Tarin was the last person I would ever expect to change her attitude towards me.  But I guess a lot of things are about to change in her life, and the less stress she has and the more friends she has the better her life will be.  That means my life will get easier, and I should go with that...let Tarin ease into this whole situation with Trace.

Even if it's scaring the crap out of me.

And even if she doesn't know the entire truth about Tuesday.
I find that I have a text message when I sit down at my desk and for a moment I'm hopeful, thinking that it might be Cooper, but am quickly shot down when I realize that it's Melanie.  Not that it's a bad thing.  I miss her.  We haven't been talking as much as I would like, but I know we've both been busy with our own lives.