"So mom called me yesterday," Brittany smiles mischievously as she stirs her milkshake around with her straw.  "She sent me on a mission."

"Oh yeah," I say with a roll of my eyes as I glance out the window and admire my Harley.  "I can't possibly imagine what it could be."

I've started going out to lunch with my sister at least once at week.  It's good for me, keeps me informed about what's going on back home since I never call anybody there anymore.  Brittany is good about it too.  She'll tell me everything, even the shit that I don't really want to hear, because she knows that I hate being kept in the dark even more.  Like, what my mom says about me, and her conniving little plots to find out what kind of girl Tarin is.  I hate it, but I know she has her reasons.  I love my mom, we were a lot closer before this whole shit with Justin and Kerri happened, and when I go home I'd like to try and smooth things over with her.  She worries a lot about me, about what's becoming of my life, and I know that.  Elisha was supposed to be the one. We were supposed to have gotten married already, have kids in a couple of years and shit.  But I didn't count on everything falling apart.  I loved her, I wanted to marry her, but I couldn't focus on us.  I made my friends the priority.

It drove us apart.

But now that I'm with Tarin I realize it was for the greater good.  Sometimes it scares me.  It's like, if the kidnapping didn't happen, I probably wouldn't have had a reason to call Tarin.  I would have married Elisha, and that's just so fucking crazy.  I wish I could talk to Tarin more about it, but I know one thing a man never does is talk about past relationships with his woman.  It's just disrespectful, and hell, I don't think about Elisha enough to even care about our past history.  All I can focus on lately is Tarin, and how much I love her.

I'd like to bring her home too.  Lately, I've been thinking about it a whole lot more.  I think that maybe I should just man up, because if I intend on staying with her, she's going to have to meet my mom anyway.  Why not just get everything done in one shot, right?  

"Mommy Lynn is in on it too you know," Brittany giggles.  "So if you're going to ream Mom, you're going to have to ream her too."

I should have figured that.  My mom and Lynn have been friends since they were in high school, and they're inseparable.  I've compared their friendship to mine and Justin's a lot over the years, and up until last year I saw us like them...growing old together, having families and shit, always being able to be there for the other one.  I never counted on our friendship being fucked around with like it has been this year.  The thought of cutting Justin out of my life, even for a few months, never crossed my mind once.  It's so weird that things happened the way they did, and I know I'm a different person because of it.  It's not a bad difference.  I think I have more balls now.  I don't let Justin walk all over me, or depend on him as much.  Although, for a few weeks there I thought that Justin had only been fucked up because of the rape, and I had made a mistake cutting him off.  That he was never as crazy as I thought when I stopped talking to him.

But I can't think that way anymore.

The thought of what he did to our best friend is unnerving.  I got physically sick over it a few days ago, when I was finally alone, behind closed doors.  Justin may be a lot of things at times: cocky, selfish, and an asshole.  But I never thought he could cross the line and hurt one of his closest friends so badly.  I know he hit Kerri once in the past, Cameron too, but I thought I set him straight.  We had talked about it, and I thought he knew he was wrong and that he had to change.

So then what the fuck happened?  

I've wanted to confront him about what Kerri told me since the day it happened, but between being there for Tarin, and preparing Justin for press I just haven't had the time, energy...or hell, the guts to bring it up.  I'm even starting to think it's better if I don't say anything at all.  That he'll have to face what he did on Tuesday when we go to the radio station.  But that's fucked up, even for me.  The fact that I pushed Justin into this whole thing, makes me feel horrible about myself.  He really trusts me, loves the fact that I've decided to work for him again, and he has no idea what he's going to have to deal with because of that.  It would be different if he'd been on a press tour for months, but this is his first interview in forever, and I know he's going to have enough of an issue smiling and shaking hands with random radio executives, never mind dealing with his emotions if Kerri happens to show herself while he's there.

I've been so tempted to call her up and tell her to hide, or pretend to be sick on Tuesday, but I know that I can't.  Tarin would ask me too many questions, wanting to know why Kerri would desert her post on one of the most important days the station has had in awhile.  I hate lying to her.  She's never lied to me before, and I know she'd be hurt if she found out the truth...the real reason why Justin chose KISS in the first place, and not someplace else.  She can't know the real story though- -that Justin and Kerri haven't spoken in quite some time, or the reason why they haven't.  Hell, I wouldn't even know if Kerri hadn't told me.

And that makes me want to hate Justin, so much.

But then I calm down and remember that what happened between them was completely outside of my friendship with Justin.  Sure, it's fucking terrible but it didn't happen to me, and I wasn't the cause of it.  Hell, I warned Kerri so many times that she needed to get away from him before something devastating happened.  But it didn't matter.  Kerri didn't care about my opinion because she was too busy trying to make Justin love her.  It was a losing battle.  I just wish she could have realized how bad their relationship was before Justin hurt her like he did.

The fact that they kept me so alienated from the real truth makes me wonder if I should even care this much .  But it's a little late for that.  I've already put myself out there, got punched in the face by a fucking asshole, just so Kerri wouldn't have to be embarrassed anymore.  I've started working again too, practically jumped head first into it, even though I kept telling myself I wasn't ready to.  But I didn't have a choice.  I had to have those papers signed that day, and Justin wasn't cooperating.  He got all nervous and shit, and Melanie kept going on and on about how he should be able to have a night to think it over.

But I didn't have that kind of time.

It was bad enough that Justin was late for dinner.  If he wasn't, I would have been able to pull him off to the side while the girls were distracted, and explained the situation a lot more calmly.  The thing is, I wanted the situation to work out for Kerri, but I wanted Tarin to get something out of it too.  The thought never occurred to me that I should have asked David to get Tarin the interview in exchange for the favor I was doing him, until the last minute.  I figured it would be a great way to get her more radio exposure, and seal the deal for her spot on the morning show.   I guess part of me was hoping that if things backfired...if Justin saw Kerri and chaos ensued, that Tarin wouldn't be as mad at me either.

I can really be a selfish fuck.

Getting David to give in was no easy task, but I knew it wouldn't be.  He didn't even want to talk to me at first, because I hadn't gotten the documents signed for him.  But when I told him that I would just forget the whole thing, that I didn't give a shit about Kerri anymore, and the radio station would never see Justin's face again, he quickly changed his tune.

"Let's not get so hostile, Trace," he stated, calmly.  "I don't know what else you want from me, man.  I already gave you the go ahead for Kerri, and you didn't get my documents signed yet.  How the fuck do you expect me to act?"

I sighed, but knew I had something.  It was obvious that David couldn't let the interview go now, because he'd probably been stupid enough to promise certain higher ups Justin's appearance before he'd gotten the contracts in his hands.  His job was on the line, I could just feel it, and I knew that I could get whatever I wanted out of him if I pushed hard enough.  "Look, after the way the conversation went, I think you could do a little more for me, David."

"Such as?"

"Give the interview to Tarin."

"Ah." I heard him laugh bitterly.  "She put you up to this?"

"No," I scowled.  "I'm asking."

"Why should I?" he grunted.  "After the way you acted, you're lucky the original deal is still on.  Besides, JoJo is our number one.  The listeners want to hear him, not some little cunt."

It took every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from going off on him.  I took a deep breath in through my nose, and put on my best act of professionalism, because I knew I almost had the situation handled.  "Justin knows Tarin really well," I pointed out.  "He was even saying the other day how much he'd enjoy being interviewed by her.  I think he'd appreciate the favor David, that's all."

"What? Are you going to tell him it was my doing?," he laughed.  "I'm not fucking stupid.  You'd never do that."

"I will," I lied.  "He likes you anyway.  It doesn't matter."

"You're a piece of shit, you know that? You sound like a little fuckin' bitch, groveling with me over the phone.  Where are your balls, Trace?  Or did Tarin cut them off on you?" He snapped.

I hadn't said anything.  I figured there was no point.  It fucking sucked, but the decision now rested with David on who was going to interview Justin.  There was nothing more I could do but wait.

"I'll tell you what," he said, finally.  "You get me those documents signed and faxed by eleven tonight, and you got a deal."

"Don't bullshit me," I groaned.

"I'm not," he said seriously.  "You have my word, same as the Kerri issue.  Just get me the fucking forms, or the deal is off.  And I mean the whole deal.  If those forms aren't in my hands by tonight, you can kiss your integrity goodbye."

I swallowed hard, knowing that I'd dug an even deeper hole for myself.  I never intended on David cutting off the whole deal like that, and I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden.  How the hell I was going to get Justin to sign the forms and agree to the interview in a single night was beyond me.  I knew the truth.  He was still deciding, and being sluggish about the whole work thing because in reality he would have rather laid around the house with Melanie for the rest of his life instead.  Sure, we'd discussed him going back to work, but nothing had been set in stone.

I knew he probably needed a good couple of weeks before he would be forced to make a decision.

But David had cut my time down to just a few hours.

I'm not really one to freak out.  The type of work I do doesn't really allow for it, and I know half the time I'm the reason Justin is able to maintain his composure in a professional setting.  Aside from the whole Shane thing, I can't remember the last time I was as jumpy as I was that night at dinner.  Something came over me, I guess.  I felt like there was a very good chance the whole situation was about backfire in my face.  If it did, I knew Tarin would have thought I was a shit head for lying to her.  Justin would have been pissed at me for not telling him about Kerri, and for manipulating him.  And Kerri...well, I didn't want to think about what David would do to destroy her reputation if I didn't come through.

I knew I had to make things work out, no matter what it took.

Even though the night didn't go as smoothly as I would have hoped, I ended up getting the documents signed around eight thirty, not without some confusion and uncertainty from Justin and Melanie's side of the table.  Melanie was the worst part of it.  I've come to respect her a lot.  She changes Justin, makes him better...like the guy that I remember, and the fact that she could see right through me when I wanted Justin to sign on the dotted line made me feel ill. She didn't like what I was doing, and I could tell she knew I was trying to push Justin into doing something he wasn't sure of.  I was waiting for her to confront me, ask me what I was up to, but she never did.  I didn't get it then, and I still don't, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I said I was going to start working for Justin again that deterred her from doing it.  I could tell she knew something was up with that whole thing too, but she just let it go.

I keep asking myself if she's going to ask me what I'm up to the next time we're alone.  It scares me because I don't think I can lie to her, and that's fucked up because I can lie to Tarin if I really have to.  Melanie...I just don't know.  She's so genuine, lying to her makes me feel like I'm committing a crime.  I can't say I've ever met anybody quite like her, and I can tell why Justin likes her so much, why he's taken the next step with her.

Normally I'd warn him, but this time I don't think I have to.  For the first time I think Justin has found somebody that can take care of him.  If anything, I worry that Justin can't take care of her.  But he's learning.  He's getting stronger all the time, and maybe one day he'll be able to do it.  

If I don't fuck him up by doing all this shit for Kerri, anyway.

David was surprised that I'd gotten the job done for him, but told me the deal was on nevertheless.  Tarin is really excited about all of this.  She's been on the air before, but never when a big celebrity like Justin has been in the studio.  JoJo is going to be in the studio too I guess, for ratings.  That means she's technically co hosting the interview, but from what I understand, she's going to be asking Justin most of the questions.  It'll be better for him.  He'll know what to expect and I think he'll sound a lot more comfortable on the air, and that's a good thing.  It means the rerelease will go well for him, and the tour will produce the numbers that Jive wants.  It's all really sudden...the tour and everything, but it's something that can't be avoided forever.  I wonder if Justin has even told Melanie about the tour or that he's probably going to be doing his first show at the end of January?  Knowing him, probably not because he never takes anything seriously until the last minute.  I hope he tells her soon though, because I have no idea how Melanie would feel about going to Europe with us.  Hell, she hasn't even given him a definite answer about Tennessee yet.

Still, she's stuck by Justin this long, and something inside tells me she's not going anywhere, that she's not a quitter, and she believes in him.  When I caught them making out on my deck that night, I wasn't even shocked.  I knew it was bound to happen eventually, and the two of them are such a good match that I'm actually really happy about it.  It was very different from the way I felt when I first found out Justin and Kerri had gotten into a thing again.  I knew it couldn't work, that they weren't ready and that it was unhealthy.  But they both learned their lesson.

And they're both paying for it.

"Honestly big brother, I don't see why you're so scared of opening up to Mom a little more.  I know she can be really annoying sometimes, but she just wants to make sure you're happy.  We all do.  I'm even a little offended that you haven't brought the girl around me yet.  What's the big deal about having her meet your family, Trace? You care about her don't you?"

I stare at my sister, half tuning her out because I don't feel like being interrogated about my girlfriend.  I know she wants to meet Tarin.  I don't think it would be a big deal having Britt meet her, that's not why I'm nervous about it.  I just know the story of the meeting would get back to my mom, and then I'd be getting a phone call that I couldn't really rush my way out of.  I'd have to explain my relationship a lot more over the phone to my mom, and I'd rather not do it that way.  In person is much better for me, even though I know I'll be scared shitless when I get the opportunity.  "I do," I nod.  "I just..."  I trail off and rub my face with my hands.

"You just what?"

She sounds just like my mom when she's annoyed, and I have to look up at her again, not being able to hold back a light laugh.  "Britt--"

"You're being stupid.  I met a guy out here and took him home to meet Mom a few months ago.  Do you remember that?  You were pissed that I didn't introduce you to him first.  Now you expect me to be completely fine with the fact that you're doing the same thing to me?"

She sits back against the booth and crosses her arms, making sure to send me a cold glare from across the table.  I know she expects me to answer her, but I don't think I have a good enough explanation to please her.  I've just been lazy about bringing Tarin around anybody other than Justin and Mel.  I'm getting back into the swing of things, my life is starting to melt back into the old routine I've always loved, and my family...I've just put them on hold with the whole situation.  "I've just started to get my life back, that's all," I say softly.  "I guess bringing my girlfriend around the family would make me feel too stressed.  Mom's so opinionated, you know?  She doesn't get that I've been sort of depressed."

"Sort of?" Brittany laughs.  "Trace, you barely spoke to anybody for the first few months after Kerri had that accident.  Mom thought you'd gone crazy."  She looks down at her lap for a moment or two before continuing.  "I think I did too."

"I wasn't crazy," I mutter.  "A lot of shit happened, that's all.  I was trying to make sure Kerri was going to be okay."

"I love her," she nods.  "I always will, but you put her first before yourself sometimes.  You can't do that anymore, Trace."

"I don't do that anymore," I lean in closer to her, so I can prove my point.  "Britt....I don't.  She's living somewhere else."

"You don't have to convince me," she whispers.  "Things are changing for you now but I feel like...I lost my brother for a little while.  Now you're with this girl, and I know the only other person that knows her at all is Justin.  It's not fair.  I want to make sure that she's a nice girl too, Trace.  Justin's opinions aren't much better than a tin can's.  He's dated enough bimbos to prove to me that he can't tell if a girl is good or bad for you. What if she's using you? Did you ever think about that?"

I roll my eyes and smile a little.  She means well. I know she's worried just like my mom is.  I secretly wish my brother were here because he could get Britt to tone down a little bit more.  Brant is like me, mellow and laid back.  He goes with the flow of things most of the time, and I think it's why I'd rather go to a party with him rather than my sister.  But of course, I could never tell her that.  I love her too much to hurt her feelings.  "Tarin isn't using me," I tell her, seriously.  "I've known her for a long time, okay?  We used to date a while back, but our schedules conflicted so we couldn't stay together.  She's a great girl, she's never asked me for a thing Brittany."

"Good. So then we'll all have dinner next week," she states, bluntly.  "You say she's a great girl so I'm sure she'll jump at the chance to meet one of your family members."

I groan.  "Britt come on, I have a lot going on next week."

"I don't care," she snaps.  "If you don't do this, I'm going to tell mom she used to be a prostitute, and you picked her up in an alley."

"Yeah, right," I scoff.  "You love me too much."

Her stern gaze doesn't falter.  "Try me."

I know better than to dare my sister to do anything.  When we were young I dared her to jump off the roof to see if the wings I'd constructed out of an old sheet would really work.  She went up there, ready to go with a big old smile on her face. If my mom hadn't come home from the store at that exact moment, I don't know what would have happened.  Britt blamed the whole thing on me of course, and I got grounded for a month for doing that shit, so I know she's being serious.  She means well of course, but fuck, I wish she knew how much more pressure she was putting on me right now.  Of course I can't tell her, because she would call me a fucking asshole and probably hate me for betraying my best friend just for the sake of Kerri's happiness.  "All right," I say, my shoulders sagging in defeat.  "We'll go to dinner next week sometime.  Justin has a big event on Tuesday, so it'll have to be after that."

Brittany smiles.  "Good boy."  She pats my head and I feel stupid.  "I'm sure she's everything you say she is, Trace, so you shouldn't be worried.  Mom won't be there so the conversation will be relaxed, and I swear I won't bring up Elisha."

"You better not," I grunt.  "I'll die."

"Does she even know that you were ready to get married?," she laughs.  

I nod.  I told Tarin that on our first date, and she said that she had known for awhile that I was engaged.  She'd read about it.  I felt bad. I knew I should have called her because we were friends, and I knew that she would have called me if the same thing was happening in her life.  Surprisingly, she hasn't held that against me, but Tarin isn't the type.  She puts the past behind her, always, and focuses on the moment...the future.

I know I'm sane because of her.

"She knows, but it's in the past," I shrug.  "Tarin doesn't linger on that kind of stuff."

Brittany raises an eyebrow.  "We girls have a way of keeping things in the back of our minds to use when it's convenient.  You better not fuck this up, Trace."

"I'm not gonna."

"We'll see."  

She smirks at me before motioning the waitress over and asking for the check.  I cross my arms and shake my head.  I can't believe how little faith my own sister has in my relationship.  She doesn't hang out with us.  She doesn't see how good Tarin and I are together, and I know when we meet her for dinner it's going to be hard to act casual, because I'll be so worried about her perception of my girlfriend.  It sucks, but I guess it's my own fault for holding out on her and the rest of my family for so long.   I know I have to discuss all of this with Tarin, get her opinion about it.  But at the same time I know that when I see her tonight I'm going to be more focused on talking to her about our relationship than anything else.

Things have been off.  Not that we've been fighting or anything like that, but she hasn't been talking to me as much.  A couple of weeks ago, all we could seem to do was talk about everything and anything.  TV was basically an afterthought because we were more interested in each other.  But lately...I don't know, I can't get her to really talk to me anymore.  I don't know if it's because Tarin is tired, or just bored of talking so much.  I'd ask her, but she's been a little tense lately, and I don't want to upset her.  I didn't do anything though, that's the worst thing about the situation.  I've treated the girl like gold, ever since the day I came home with that bloody lip.  It freaked her out and I pissed her off by not talking to her about it.  But I apologized, we'd fucked like stupid teenagers, and everything had been okay.  She only started acting standoffish after that night Justin and Mel came for dinner.

Part of me wonders if she found out what's really been going on.

But I know I've been too smart to let on to my actual plan.

She hasn't let me touch her in days.  For a couple of nights she didn't stay at my place either, and it completely threw me off.  But I still couldn't ask her what was wrong.  Tonight though, I know I need to confront her.  I have to be able to be comfortable around my girlfriend or the relationship isn't going to work.  I hope she's okay.  I hope David hasn't done or said anything really horrible to her, to make her act this way.  I won't be able to handle it.  I've had enough of his stupid shit.  

I will go down there.  I will kick his ass, and that will destroy Kerri's future.

"How about next Friday night?" Brittany asks me once we've gotten out to the parking lot.  "I'll make a reservation at that neat place Continello's, and we can meet there around seven thirty or so.  You should bring Justin too, I haven't seen him in forever."

I shrug my shoulders because I have no idea what's going to be happening in any of our lives by next Friday.  Again, it all depends on how Tuesday goes, and if Justin is pissed off at me he definitely won't want to go to dinner with us.  But I'll play it safe, smile for my sister because I don't need her getting any more suspicious of me than she already is.  "That sounds cool."  I grab my motorcycle helmet and put it on, lifting the visor so she can still see part of my face.  "Just call me with the final details, okay?"

"Will do."  

She smiles and opens up her arms so I can wrap her in a hug.  I do, squeezing her a little harder than usual because I want her to know how much she means to me.  How good she makes me feel every time we have these little lunches together.  "You're my favorite sister," I chuckle as I pull away from her.

She rolls her eyes and punches me lightly in the shoulder.  "I'm your only sister, doofus."     She opens her car door and climbs in.  "I'll call you next week."

I climb onto my bike and wave to her as she starts up her car and pulls away.  Moments later I'm on the road myself, loving the feeling of the warm California air blowing up my tee shirt.  I haven't ridden my bike in awhile.  I haven't really felt happy enough to do it.  I remember when I first got it I was all excited and shit.  Justin and I got our bikes at the same time, and before the Justified tour started we would go riding together a lot.  It was nice and relaxing, probably one of my favorite memories of my best friend before everything happened.  I know I should ask him to come riding with me sometime soon.  

Right now though, I'm still just a little too freaked out to want to do anything like that with him.

I'm surprised to find Tarin's car parked in it's usual spot when I get home.  I figured she'd still be at work.  Justin's interview has been causing her to work some overtime, and being that it's only 2 o'clock, I know she couldn't possibly have finished all of her work.  I'm confused, and I sit on my bike for a few minutes, trying to figure out why she would have come home early today.  I'm almost tempted to say fuck it, and go hide at Justin's house or something. But really, what would that resolve?  It's obvious she's here for a reason, and part of me hopes that she's sick but...I know that can't be it.  I have to be a man right now, talk to Tarin about whatever it is that's been bothering her, before I find myself single again.

And I know I love her too much to let her get away from me this time.

I cover my bike with it's protective cover, take off my helmet, and make my way up into my condo.  I spot Tarin immediately when I walk through the door, laying on the sofa, thumbing through a magazine.  "You got out early, baby," I say to her, as I go to the kitchen and grab a beer out of the fridge.

"I didn't go to work today."  She tosses the magazine on the floor and sits up, staring at me with her intense green eyes.  "I...thought you would have been home when I got here.  Your car was in the driveway."

I take a swig of my beer, feeling nervous already.  She doesn't seem to be happy that I was out, but hell, she's not my lord and master.  I'm entitled to do what I want, especially when she's not here.  "I took the bike," I say, as I go over to the couch and sit down next to her.  "I met Britt for lunch."

"Oh okay."  She nods a little and looks down at her lap.  "How was it?"

I chuckle.  "You know, it was lunch. Chock full of heartfelt guilt messages from my mom, the usual crap.  What kept you home?  I thought you had to do all kinds of shit for Justin's thing."

"I do," she laughs softly, not meeting my gaze.  "But I can't focus, and I wasn't getting anywhere with JoJo so he told me to take a mental health day today."

It's not like her.  Tarin's job is something she takes very seriously, and I know when she's there she usually puts everything else to the back of her mind so she can get the work done.  I'm lucky if I get to talk to her more than once a day, because she usually tells me that she has to go finish her work.  I don't mind.  I like that she's so dedicated and making her dream a reality.  Right now though, it doesn't seem like she even cares and that scares me.  "This is a big thing for you," I tell her seriously.  "What's distracting you?"

She shrugs.  "I don't know.  I guess...I've just been thinking about us a lot."

I stare at her for awhile.  In a sense, I'm relieved.  It means she knows something is up with us just like I do.  But I don't like it.  I don't want us to have problems, because things have been going so well, and we've both been happy.  "You haven't been talking to me much," I confess to her.  "I just...I don't know what's wrong, Tar."

She lets out a rough sounding sigh.  "I'm sorry," she whimpers.  "I...I should have been more straightforward.  I know that you hate being kept in the dark.  But I...I've just been so confused lately.  I don't know how to handle it."

I put down my beer and pull her close to me, running a hand through her hair.  "Handle what?" I chuckle.  "Everything is fine, Tarin.  Is it work?  You can talk to me about it.  I feel really stupid about all this shit with David and how I acted that day I fought with him.  I should have just talked to you, instead of shutting you out..."

"No," she interrupts me, and gives me a light kiss on the lips before laying her head against my chest.  "It's not about David."

It's silent for awhile.  I don't want to ask her the question.  If I do, it means I have to hear the truth, and right now I have a horrible feeling that whatever she's about to tell me is really bad.  "What's it about?'I manage after awhile.  

"I don't want to tell you.  If I tell you, I have to deal with it."

"Tarin."  I push up on her chin and force her to meet my gaze.  She's terrified.  It's more than obvious to me, and it's starting to make me terrified too.  I don't know what's so bad that she hasn't been able to tell me.  Is it another guy?  Has she been cheating on me?  I shake my head because I just can't believe that she'd do it.  We're both open and honest with each other, and I know that if she had found somebody else she wouldn't have played around with me for all this time.  But if she didn't cheat on me, then what happened?  "Tarin you just gotta say it, okay?  Otherwise this relationship is going to get fucked up, and I don't want that."  I lean down and kiss her again.  "I love you."

"I know you love me," she whimpers, and lets out a soft sob.  "That's why this isn't fair."

"You gotta tell me," I say to her, not really knowing what to think.  "Tarin, come on."

She pulls away from me, and slides herself to the opposite end of the couch so I can't touch her anymore.  I'm so confused.  Part of me wants to yell at her and tell her she's being stupid, but the other part of me...the part that loves her so much, wants to just hold her and make whatever pain she has go away.  But I can't do anything like that.  I'm so lost that the most I can do is stare at her, and hope that she decides to come around and tell me what the problem is.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," she chokes out after awhile.  "You got me away from David, and you've shown me that I can have fun and be in love without being put down and degraded all the time.  You're selfless, Trace, and I know that you'd do anything for me."

"I...I would," I whisper.  

"I didn't count on this.  I...I should have made sure that we were more careful, but...I didn't care, because I was having too much fun with you."

A slow realization creeps over me suddenly.  I feel like I know exactly what she's about to tell me, but it's so damn shocking that I don't want to ask the question, because I dont' want to hear the answer.  "Tarin..."

"I'm pregnant," she blurts out before I can continue.  She looks at me now, like she's the worst person in the world.  "That's what's wrong."

I can't say anything, because I don't know what I'm supposed to say.  She's pregnant.  It's mine.  I shake my head.  We fucked too much, and I knew...I knew that I didn't use condoms a couple of times, but she didn't seem to care, so I was fine with it too.  We were having a great time, and we loved each other so it didn't matter.  But now it matters.  Now everything has gone to shit.  I mean, a baby isn't shit but still...we're not ready.  Hell, I just got back into everything and Tarin is on the brink of a promotion.  I can't lie, I'd love to have kids with her someday, but right now...right now I can't even picture myself settling down like that.  But what the fuck do I do?  It's as much my fault as it is hers that she has a baby inside of her.  "You're sure?" I hear myself say, and I want to shove my foot in my mouth.

"I'm sure," she croaks.  "I mean, I have a doctors appointment next week, but...I took that really expensive Clear Blue Easy test, three times, Trace.  I don't think it would come out positive three times if I wasn't pregnant."

"Shit."  I rub my face with my hands and let out a long breath.  I'm not ready.  Fuck.  I am so not ready for this.

"That's all you're going to say?"

I look at her.  This time she looks half terrified, and half pissed off.  "What should I say?  What's good to say right now, Tarin? Tell me, and I'll say it."

"I dunno."  She bites down on her lip, and looks at the floor.  "I just thought that you would have an answer."

"Answer?" I scoff.  "It's a kid, Tar.  There isn't a right or wrong answer here."

We're both quiet for a long time, neither of us daring to look at the other one.  I can hear her sniffling and I know she's crying because she's so damn confused.  I can't comfort her though, because I don't even know how I feel about this.  

"Do you want to have it?"

I look at her finally, and find that she's staring back at me waiting to hear my response.  I wish she could have asked me something else...something more casual and saved that question for later on when I'm able to breathe normally again.  But I guess avoiding the subject is pointless.  I know that it's an important decision...if we're actually going to go through with this whole thing, but I just don't see how I can answer her right now.  Sure, I've known the girl a long time and I love her, but the reality is we've only been back together for a couple of months now.  Hell, we don't even live together..and we haven't met each others families yet.  "I can't think straight enough right now to answer you," I manage to get out after awhile.

"That's fucking lame."

My eyes widen.  "What the hell?"

"This isn't some petty issue with work, or Justin, or hell, even Kerri.  This is about the future, Trace.  A baby.  I need you to tell me what you want to do."

She doesn't look at me as she says it, and I know she's trying to get out of telling me how she really feels about keeping it.  But I'm not going to let her rest the burden on my shoulders.  It's both of our issue, and I fucking hate that she constantly puts weight on my shoulders like this.  "It's your kid too, Tarin.  I'm not going to be the one to decide what happens.  We both need to discuss it, and make up our minds together."

She stands up then, crossing her arms and staring me down like I'm some kind of asshole.  I don't get it.  I want to get up and leave but I know I can't right now.  This isn't just another one of our stupid little fights, and I can't weasel my way out of it.  

"I think we should abort it, Trace," she tells me quietly.  "That way we don't have to stress like this, and we can both continue to focus on our careers."

The first thought that crosses my mind, is that my mom would get my dad's rifle and shoot me if she knew I got a girl pregnant and got her an abortion.  I wasn't raised like that.  My family doesn't believe in it, and I doubt I could live with myself if Tarin and I went through with it.  As much as Tarin is trying to be serious right now, I know that deep down, she doesn't want to do it either.  I feel like she's trying to let me off the hook, and that pisses me off.  She's just assuming that I want no part of this at all, when really, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it.  "You're not giving me a fucking minute to think about this, Tarin!" I say, my voice rising with every word.  "It's like you want to throw the baby away, because you're too scared to see what I want or what I'm going to say."

"I'm about to be promoted!" She yells at me.  "I can't deal with being pregnant, or having a baby right now!  I have too much going on."

I shake my head.  This isn't my girlfriend talking, because she isn't this selfish.  Tarin is scared shitless, and I wish I knew the right thing to say so that she would calm down.  But I don't.  I'm fucking twenty three years old, and even though I try to act like I'm a big man most of the time, I know that in reality I'm still really young, and having a baby would be putting a stop to a lot of things that I've only started to enjoy doing again.  But it's not the baby's fault.  Responsibility needs to be taken for my actions, and Tarin needs to realize that she needs to be just as responsible.  "That's selfish, and I know that you don't mean all that," I say softly to her after awhile.  "It's our baby.  We can't just throw it away."

She stares at me for awhile, like she's so lost.  I don't think she expected me to say something like that, and it really goes to show how much she knows about my morals and shit.  I shouldn't expect her to know all that yet though.  I mean, the way our relationship is going...how wild we've been, I wouldn't expect her to think that I have morals anyway.  "So you're just going to give up your life, Trace?  Give up traveling the world with Justin, and getting trashed every weekend so you can help me change diapers?"

She's not expecting me to say yes, and I don't really know if I can or not yet.  What I need is time.  I need to be able to think this through and make a plan, like I do with everything else in my life. But I'm so afraid to tell her that, because I don't think she wants to wait around for me to be more rational.  It's like she wants me to decide the rest of my life right here, right now, and hell, that's not fucking fair to me.  "I just need some time to clear my head a little, Tarin," I finally get myself to tell her after awhile.  "Can you blame me?"

"If you don't want it..."

"Fuck, girl.  I didn't say that."  

"You can be such an asshole."

Now we're both glaring at each other, and I have a feeling if I push her any more she's going to run out that door and get an abortion on her own.  I'd never be able to forgive myself, and I know the best thing to do is give her some space.  "I'm going to go to Justin's," I say quietly.  "Maybe you should go see a friend too.  Just give yourself some time to think and I'll see you a little later, okay?"

"Sure, because Justin is going to have all the answers for you, right babe?"

I've started walking towards the door, but pause at her comment and look back at her.  "I just need some clarity, that's all."

"Damn, what is he? Jesus?  If he tells you that he thinks I'm right, are we going to rush right down to the clinic and suck the baby out?" she scoffs, and wipes a few stray tears off her face.  "Justin isn't going to have a straight solution for you, Trace.  He's fucked up enough without you burdening him with this. "

"Do you want me to tell you to get rid of it, Tar?" I snap at her, hating myself for it but knowing it was inevitable.  It was why I was going to leave, so I wouldn't yell.   But of course my girlfriend, being as stubborn as she is, won't allow me  to get away right now.  "Do you want my blessing, so you'll feel better about yourself when you do it?"

She rolls her eyes and huffs loudly.  "I want the best solution."

"Well your solution sucks."  I say bluntly, and throw open the door before she can stop me.  "But if you want to do it, I mean, who should I be to stop you right?  After all, according to you, partying and hanging out with Justin is a hell of a lot more important to me anyway."

"Trace."

I don't look back as I walk out and slam the door behind me.  It takes me a few moments to catch my breath and a hell of a lot of effort to keep myself from going back inside and facing Tarin, who I'm sure is sobbing profusely at this point.  No, I need to clear my head.  I shouldn't have been such an ass back there, but I was pissed off.  I don't know about most of the guys Tarin has dated in the past.  I just know that she had a meaningless fling with Justin years back, then fooled around with David entirely too much. He did things to her.  Bad things, that made her fear most men and the prospect of finding real love in her life.  We've been working through all of that too.  It's been good, she's been a lot better, she even told me that.  But now it's like none of it matters.  She's pregnant, scared, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, or say, to make her feel okay about it.  There's nothing worse than that.  I feel pathetic, like I can't be around for her like I should be.

But then again, I've been through a lot this year myself, and I don't burden Tarin with any of that stuff.  She doesn't know the half of what Justin and Kerri have put me through, or what I went through with them.  I can't tell her, because it would be an invasion of their privacy and I doubt they'd be thrilled if my girlfriend knew about it all.  I'd rather not dwell on that stuff anyway, being positive is much better for me.  Having fun with Tarin is much better for me.  Right now though, I don't know what's going to happen...if she's going to stick around, or if I'm going to be able to.  Are we really that compatible?  Could we raise a family? Get married?

I don't know.  I've never thought about it because I had no reason to.  Things were mellow and laid back.  We were young, and it didn't matter what we did as long as we were having fun.  But now I feel like we're being forced into adulthood.  I mean, we're adults but still at that partying age.  We're supposed to be having fun, not settling down.
 
Justin is going to shit his pants when I tell him.

My mom is going to have a coronary.

Now more than ever, I really, really don't want to go home for that wedding.

I drive around for awhile, the radio blaring, my mind blank, simply focusing on the music and the scenery that I drive by.  It's better this way, Makes me feel less stressed, so when I have to face reality again I'll be a hell of a lot calmer and more rational.  I need to be because I know Tarin won't be, no matter how much time I give her.  I guess I'm starting to understand.  She's the one who's pregnant, and she's the one who's going to have to push the kid out of her when the time comes.  I suppose I'd be freaked out too, if I was a girl.  But I'm not.  I'm just the one who put my dick inside of her.  Not that it's any better.  I guess I'm starting to feel like it's more my fault than hers.  It was my body after all.  I wanted her.  I took her to bed.  I should have been more careful, but now it's too late. 

Figure it out, Trace.

Right.  That's what I'm going to have to do.  It's what I've always done, my entire life, and I have a career because of it.  Sure, Justin is my best friend, but if I was a fucking idiot and couldn't handle schedules and agendas he wouldn't rely on me half as much to help him with his shit.  This shouldn't be so hard for me to work out.  There's no paperwork or anything, it's just a baby.  I can take care of it, and Tarin...buy us a house, make sure they don't want for anything.  Easy right?  I realize that it's not.  I realize that Tarin had a little bit of a point back there, when she said all that stuff about me partying and spending time with Justin.  My life is about to stop.  I calculate it in my head, and if Tarin is pregnant now, the baby will be due sometime at the end of December or early January.  Any plans for me to join Justin on tour will be out.  I couldn't leave Tarin and we couldn't bring the baby on tour.  So that means I really have to think about this.  None of this crossed my mind before, because I was still in shock.   I couldn't understand my girlfriend's anxiety.  But now I can.

I'm about to give it all up, and hell, who knows if Tarin and I will be able to stick together and raise the kid all the while keeping our romance alive.  There really isn't any other way though.  I just won't allow her to get rid of it, and we're sure as hell not going to let someone else raise it.  So this is the way things are going to have to be.  Justin will have to make other arrangements, and I'm going to have to change the way I live my life.

I'm scared to death.

I'm relieved when I finally pull up to Justin's gate, and I quickly punch in the code that allows me to enter the property.  It's quiet and peaceful here, sort of like I'd like my house to be one day.  Come to think of it, this would be a nice place to raise a kid.  Maybe I can try to find a place like this when we go house hunting.  I probably wouldn't go with a house this big though.  It's a little much, and I'd rather have my kids grow up in an average neighborhood with an average sized house.  A nice big yard would be the exception though.  Gotta have the yard, and the fence...the golden retriever.

Fuck.  This is insane.

I don't have a chance to knock on the door, because Melanie has already opened it for me by the time I park the car and walk up the couple of steps leading to the front of Justin's house.  She has one of the dogs in her arms, and I cock my head to the side when I take a closer look, confused because it has a cone around it's head.  "What happened to the dog?"  It's the first thing I say, and I'm glad because it's the farthest thing from the topic I really came to talk about.

"Buck and Bren had a little fight," Melanie sighs, and motions towards the dog's bandaged paw.  "She'll be okay, but she has to stay off her leg for a couple of weeks, and lately she's been trying to gnaw at the bandages.  I've been keeping the cone on her most of the day. Justin hates it, but she'll chew herself raw otherwise."

I nod a little.  Sucks, because they just got the puppies and already something bad happened to them.  Still, I know Mel is good about taking care of things like this.  I'm sure Justin panicked when it happened, initially, and if Mel hadn't been around to take care of things I doubt the situation would have turned out well.  "How did Justin take it?"

"Like a baby," she sighs, but laughs a little bit.  "He won't look at Buckley, and treats this one like she's got some kind of rare illness.  I keep telling him that we're going to start them in obedience school and it won't happen again, but you know Justin...he's stubborn."

"Oh I know all about it," I snicker slightly.  "Is he around?"

"He fell asleep a little while ago.  Want me to try and wake him?"

My shoulders sag a little bit, and Melanie looks at me strangely like she knows something is wrong.  "No, it's okay.  I can just call him later."  I start to turn away, not really knowing where I'm going to go but knowing I can't go home either.  The thought of calling Kerri crosses my mind, but...no.  I can't deal with her right now.  She can't stand Tarin, and Tarin can't stand her so I know she won't be able to take my news well at all, and the last thing I want to hear is every reason in the world why Tarin and I shouldn't go through with this.  I need somebody with somewhat of a level head to bring me out of this funk, and of course he's fucking asleep.