I think I might be secretly sleepwalking and doing crack, because I haven't felt like myself lately. Everything seems brighter, clearer. I'm not so scared. I can do things, like hang out with my best friend in a public place without being a nervous wreck. But maybe this is how I really am, how I've always been..funny, carefree, sometimes cocky Justin Timberlake. I think I forgot all about him the minute I was forced into the back of my car with Kerri, a gun shoved to my head, forcing me to surrender to the fear of never taking another breath. I didn't realize how much the whole thing would change my personality. At first, before Shane did...all that to me, I was still strong. Sure, I was scared, but I wasn't huddled in a corner crying like Kerri was. I had been the one with the level head at first, the one that was going to get us out of there. I remember telling myself that everything was going to be okay, over and over in my head. I guess it kept me sane. I was alert, and ready to kill either of those bastards if they tried to hurt us.
That's the last image I have my former self, before he raped me.
Its taken what seems like a century to remember how it feels to smile and laugh everyday. I realize I've missed the feeling. I've missed a lot of things though, like my friends, and my family. Most of all though, I've missed the feeling of knowing that there's somebody around who truly cares about me and who sees me for who I really am, not just the damaged person I turned into. It's unbelievable that Mel is the one, because she hasn't known me all that long. Once I got famous I was convinced there were only a handful of people in my life that really, truly, understood me and nobody else would ever be able to. But I think it might have been the paranoia that made me think that way more than anything else. My life got filled with so much hysteria after the first year or two on the road, that I would constantly worry about losing myself in it all. It's one of the biggest reasons I begged my mom to find a way to get Trace out there with me. I figured if I had my best friend along for the ride, I would never change.
But I did change.
Over the years I slowly made myself more and more closed off to the public and my fans. I had two personalities; the one they knew, the one my family and friends knew, and sometimes I found myself getting lost somewhere in between. I hated having to do it, but it was the only way I could maintain some kind of sanity in my life. When I was with Britney I think I was the most private I've ever been, aside from right now. The media was constantly in our faces, and yeah, she was okay with that. She always liked smiling for cameras and talking to people. But that just wasn't me. It pissed me off that I couldn't go see my girlfriend after we spent a month apart without having to do some fucking interview, or photo shoot with her. In the end, I think it was probably the biggest reason we grew apart.
But now, I've officially stopped dwelling on how long Britney and I were together, how she was the first woman I ever loved, and how crushed I was when the relationship fell apart. Melanie is so much different from her. I was convinced for years that Britney was the one, that she knew every emotion brewing inside of me at all times, but now I'm beginning to think that was never the case. I was so young then, we both were, and nothing overly traumatizing had ever happened to me. Sometimes I wonder what Britney would have been like if we'd been together when I was kidnapped. Would she have understood? Would she have wanted to make it work? Or would she have acted just like Cameron did? I haven't been able to come up with a good answer, and it's probably unhealthy for me to even think about it. But I've had a lot of time to think about a lot of things over the past few months, and I guess it was a subject that couldn't have been avoided once I'd tired out all the other thoughts in my head.
But I know I don't have a reason to think about it anymore.
Melanie sees me, deep down inside of me, where that fun loving guy from Tennessee dwells. She takes everything that happened to me, and pushes it all to the side like it doesn't even matter. She knows I'm scared, but she makes me think positive about it, tells me that I can get through it all because I'm strong and she cares about me. Then I smile. I smile and it takes all the pain away. I don't know how I got so lucky to end up with her. It was like she was sent to me or something. I know that sounds tacky or whatever, but I just don't have another explanation. After the kidnapping I stopped believing in God, and faith...all of it. But now I feel like I'm living this miracle life with her, for no good reason at all.
Maybe God was testing me. Maybe He's been trying to tell me that I needed to go through something horrible to realize how good my life can be when I'm truly happy. Not that I'm about to run out and go to church or anything, but maybe I can start to pray a little bit. I think it might do me some good, calm me down when I get pissed off or nervous. When I go home, I might ask Nana to let me have those rosary beads that belonged to her mother.
I mean, if she'll even speak to me that is.
I'm still scared, but not as much as I was when my mom first brought up the subject of going home to me. I know how wrong I was for cutting my family off for all this time, and my trip home is necessary to fix it. Paul called me the other day, and I was kind of surprised, because we haven't really spoken all that much since I missed out on Christmas, my mom has been giving me messages from him, and I've been sending my own back home with her. But I guess I should know better than to think he wouldn't want to talk to me. The man raised me, and he knows I've been fucked up for awhile. He's not stubborn like Nana and Pop are, and I know he felt the need to reach out to me before I flew home. The conversation was easy going, and I was glad. He just wanted to know what I was up to, that he heard I was going to be on the radio and said how he was going to tune in on the internet so he could hear it. He also said he can't wait to meet Melanie, since my mom apparently hasn't shut up about her since the day she was hired. It was the only point of the conversation that made me nervous.
I still haven't convinced her to come home with me.
I'm not going to push the subject anymore. Things are changing rapidly between us, and I'm figuring when the time comes, I'll either have convinced her to come with me with a simple question and smile, or she'll have convinced herself and accompany me to the airport. I know she's curious about where I come from, despite the fact that she's been very standoffish about the subject. I've tried to put myself in her place, and I can understand why she's nervous. There's going to be a lot of people there, and she won't know most of them. Of course I'd introduce her around, but Mel isn't one of those bright and bubbly social types. That's Tarin, and I'm sort of jealous of Trace because he won't have a problem if he brings her back home. She can talk your ear off, and the worst fear I have is that people will find her annoying.
But then again, that's Trace's problem.
I love her and everything. Tarin is a cool girl, with an outgoing personality, and she's just what Trace needs to keep him upbeat and happy. I'm glad they got back together, but I also know how she is. When we messed around, it was more because I was a pop star and not because I was just a cool guy that she liked. We were younger then of course, but still, I've always viewed her as a little bit materialistic. She's all about status, job positions, and who you know. I've never told Trace any of that, because I didn't want to piss him off, and it wasn't really my place to put Tarin down like that. She seems to have changed somewhat of course. It's been a good amount of years since we hung out, and over a year since I actually saw her. We did a little promotion for Justified at KISS before the album came out, and she'd been there, but only as an intern. Trace and I had been swamped by the executives there, and we'd barely gotten a chance to say hi and take a quick picture to remember the moment before we were both rushed off to the next thing.
"She looks good." I remember him saying. "Can't believe I let her go."
Yeah, they were always supposed to be together.
Unfortunately, my schedule just didn't give them the time to be.
Is it weird being around Tarin when Mel is around too? At first it was. Knowing that we used to have random sex after I'd do a show, made me feel like an asshole, because Melanie had no idea. Of course, I don't intend on telling Mel about it, but I have a feeling that Tarin will let it slip out somehow. She's good like that, and I really don't know what Melanie's reaction will be once she finds out. She'll probably want to know why I wouldn't have told her. Maybe I should grow some balls and do it before she finds out from Tarin, but...I'm trying to conquer one thing at a time. Me and Mel just succumbed to our feelings for each other, and now I'm working on getting her to trust me completely so she'll come home with me. Telling her about Tarin now could damage the relationship.
So naturally, I'm going to chicken out.
Trace tells me that she's my girl now, and that should make me want to call Melanie my girlfriend, but something inside won't allow me to. I'm not sure why. I mean...we've come to the point now where I think I can start calling her that, but sometimes I still question us. Most of the time Mel is so normal about what we've started. She'll flirt and give me a little kiss, rest her head on my chest and let me protect her from everything she's ever feared. But then there are other times where she's so closed off, acts like she has to be the professional and there's no time for us to fool around, or for me to touch her. I've learned to understand, and to back off. But I know there's going to be a time that I question her about it...about what we are.
Part of me is afraid to hear her answer.
It's fucking hard to resist her. Despite the fact that I know I have to take things slow, that I can't tackle her to the ground and fuck her hard like I want to, I still fantasize about doing it entirely too often, mostly when she's standing right in front of me. I mean, it's starting to get really bad. I thought my need for sex was bad before, but this is nothing compared to then. She'll be strutting around in her running gear, bend over to scratch the dog on the head and I'll get hard just watching her do it. Her ass is so slender, makes me want to run my hand over the shape of it, and then pull her spandex off so I can get a little. For the first time, it's not even because I need to feel more secure. I just want her so fucking bad, and the anticipation of the day that I actually get to feel myself inside of her is killing me. I jerk off entirely too often now, all to visions of her. It makes me feel fucking great. I'm left trembling afterwards because it all seems so real, but I know it's really pathetic too. I could never tell Trace. Not when he gets laid six nights a week and I haven't had any since Kerri was around. It would only inflate his ego, and he'd never let me live it down.
Aside from those issues, I really feel like I'm starting to manage my life again. Everything is falling into place nicely. I have a potential girlfriend, who I'd trust with my deepest secrets, and I wouldn't give her up for the world. Me and my mom are starting to become as close as we used to be, and my best friend in the world has forgiven me for being an idiot, and decided to work for me again. I'm confident once again, secure in my life and my career. No, I'm not a hundred percent, and I know I'll never be. The uncertainty I feel inside about the rape is something that's never going to go away. But I can hold my head high and say I'm not sick anymore, knowing that I'm not lying to myself. For the first time since it happened, I respect myself, and when I look in the mirror, I like who I see.
I never, ever, thought I'd be able to think this way again.
Everything should be fucking perfect right now. I wish I could go home with no worries, apologize to the rest of my family and move on with Melanie and my best friends, get back to my life and my career. But there's still something holding me back from being able to do that. I can't be mad about it, because it's my own damn fault. I just wish I could find Kerri, and apologize. I'm finding that task impossible though. I spent an entire evening after Melanie had gone to bed one night, looking up group therapy centers in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, there are so many whacked out people in LA, that there are nearly twice as many therapy centers to accommodate them. I knew I'd have to call every single one in the area if I had any hopes of finding Kerri's whereabouts, and I wasn't about to drive myself crazy. Yeah, I knew I needed closure, Melanie practically drilled that into my head. But I couldn't make myself sick over it...lose sleep over her. Although, I knew I deserved to.
I was horrible to her.
It suddenly dawned on me that I could call her parents. I figured they would have to know something about where she was, because I knew she'd gone back to Tennessee to finish recovering from her accident. It was risky of course. I didn't know how her parents felt about me, or if Kerri had confided in them about that night. My gut was telling me she hadn't. Kerri had too much going on in her head about me to rat me out, and I was sure her father would have hunted me down and killed me if he knew I'd slapped his daughter around anyway. Unfortunately, by the time I came up with this brilliant idea, it was entirely too late at night to call them up.
I decided to sleep on it, figuring if her family couldn't help me, I could always bug the hell out of Trace and get him to tell me where she was. I knew it would piss him off, and I didn't feel like hearing him yell at me, but I knew it was the only way I would be able to find closure. I needed to apologize, and Trace would just have to understand that, even if I couldn't tell him the whole truth about what happened.
I awoke to the familiar sensation of Melanie rubbing my shoulder and whispering in my ear to get up. She never used to touch me like that in the morning, only since that night we kissed at Trace's. She would normally holler at me to get up and stop being lazy, and I used to do it without hesitation. Now though, she's a lot more gentle about it. She'll sit on the edge of the bed and rub my shoulder, her breath hot in my ear as she gently coaxes me out of my sleep. When I squint my eyes open she's the first thing I see now, and it's great. She's a beautiful sight to see in the morning, with her hair up in that messy sex thing, smelling like she just walked out of a fresh waterfall. I want to bury myself inside of her and never come out again, but then I realize I have to start my day, and put my emotions to the back of my mind for the moment.
"Justin," she said softly, when I barely opened my eyes. "Come on, it's time to get up for a run."
I yawned a little, knowing I stayed up a little too late the night before researching Kerri's stupid shit, and forced my eyes open for her. "Morning," I said with groggy smile, reaching out to give her arm a gentle rub. "Give me five more minutes, okay?"
She laughed a little and shook her head, moving closer to me so she could reach out and rub my cheek a little. "You need a shave, bad."
I chuckled a little, knowing that I'd been so preoccupied with other things, I'd allowed my beard to start growing in again. I had to shave it for the interview, that I knew, and normally I would have kept closer tabs on it. I don't know though, I think I was doing it more so to see Melanie's reaction. I'm always trying to find out little things that she likes or dislikes about how I dress or how I look, so that way I can keep myself just the way she likes me. "Sometimes I like being rugged." I shot her a playful smile.
"I will not go running with a mountain man," she pouted, crossing her arms at me. It only lasted for a minute though, because I laughed at her and sat up, taking her hand and pulling her towards me a little.
"So you like me clean cut, huh?"
She slapped me on the shoulder, and rolled her eyes, but couldn't hide her smile. "I'm going to wait downstairs," she said, quickly pulling away from me and standing up. Her cheeks had reddened, and I could tell she was desperately trying to come down from the high I had just given her. "Hurry up and get dressed."
She began to saunter away with a silly little smile, her ass swishing slightly in my face as she turned away from me. It was a fucking morning miracle, and all I wanted to do was pull her back to me and tell her how bad I wanted to touch her, but I knew how impossible that was. I couldn't freak her out...I couldn't. I promised myself and promised her that I was going to be patient, but fuck, how could anybody look so incredibly hot in the morning?
Naturally, the first thing I did was shave a little bit. I don't like to shave off all my facial hair these days because it makes me look so much younger, almost like a kid, and I don't want Melanie to view me as "cute" or "adorable". I want to look like a man to her, and I know a big part of that is because I'm still insecure about myself. Last year there were times where my face was as smooth as a baby's ass, but it was all for the cameras and my image. I'm not so concerned about that anymore. Granted, I know I have to make some effort for the interview. I'll dress nice, look the part, smile and shit, but I'm not going overboard. Not for those money hungry assholes.
She was doing some kind of crazy leg stretch when I finally made my way downstairs. I'd even paused for a moment on the stairs, taking her in hungrily with my eyes before she finally noticed me standing there.
"Why are you staring at me like a lost child?" she giggled.
I rubbed the back of my neck nervously, and took a deep breath. "I'm not."
She looked me up and down for a moment, seeming to be taking me in herself, but I wasn't sure why. Was she just as hungry for me as I was hungry for her? Or was she simply looking at me for some kind of imperfection? I wasn't sure, but I wanted her to stop because she was making me entirely too nervous. I quickly made my way down the rest of the stairs, causing her to stop staring at me like she had been. "Ready?" I said, taking the bottle of water she handed me with a small sigh.
"You know, you look better, Justin. Better, but still mountainous."
She laughed her sexy fucking laugh, and bent down to retrieve the towel that had been lying at her feet. Her ass stuck out, once again, and I just couldn't help myself. My hand inched it's way forward rapidly, until my flesh connected with the spandex covering her ass, giving it a soft smack.
She whipped herself into an upright position before I knew what was happening. "Justin!" She exclaimed, wide eyed, her expression filled with uncertainty about what had just happened. "What..."
I held my hands out at my sides, and flashed her a clueless smile. "I don't know what happened. My hand...it just has a mind of it's own sometimes."
"Asshole." She shoved me hard in the chest, and flung the door open like she hated me. But I swear, I thought I could see her smile just a tiny bit before she walked out the door that morning.
I knew I still had the Timberlake charm.
The run went smoothly, as if nothing odd had happened at all. She didn't bring up the ass smacking incident, and neither did I. During breakfast though, I hadn't been able to take my mind off of it. What if she was really pissed that I'd done it? What if she wouldn't let me touch her anymore because I was an idiot? But my insecurities were pushed to the side once she cleared the plates and smoothed a hand over my shoulders. She bent down suddenly, and ran one of her hands through my curls, smiling at me slyly. "Mel?" I chuckled, meeting her gaze nervously.
"Better watch your back," she giggled a little bit, as she picked up my empty juice glass. "You never know when I'll be ready to give you some pay back for that little occurrence, Justin."
I stared after her as she went to wash the dishes, like some dumb kid who had been told that his birthday present was hidden someplace in the house. She was actually taking the situation well, considering how she usually felt about physical contact. I knew it didn't mean that I could go and maul her like I wanted to, but...it was something new. She was beginning to trust the relationship more and more, and I was starting to feel completely comfortable joking around with her like I had that day.
It showed me that she and I were really happy just being around each other, and I haven't had that kind of relationship with a girl in a very long time.
Melanie went to run some errands later that morning, leaving me to fend for myself for a couple of hours before Trace came to pick me up. Of course, she didn't hesitate to give me strict orders on which soap operas to record so we could watch them together after dinner. I smiled at her little obsession as Days of Our Lives began to record. I knew I was lame for being almost as into the shows as she was, but I enjoyed our time together, debating over what was going to happen next. It was something that none of my other friends would have ever understood, and I felt like we shared something a little special. Something only we could do together.
It was during a commercial break that I was suddenly reminded of the task I wanted to complete that day. Calling Kerri's folks was something I wanted to do as soon as possible, so I could get closure to the situation that much faster, but I knew I couldn't do it while Melanie was around. I didn't want to be secretive. I hated myself for it, because the whole point to our relationship was to be open with each other. But she barely knew about my situation with Kerri. Only that I'd somehow hurt her, and I wanted to move past it. I have a feeling if I had told her my plan she would have simply told me to do what I felt was best, but I didn't want to take a risk . I think I would have felt funny discussing it with her, and it may have made her feel a little insecure too, despite the fact that she never would have let it show, which is why I made sure I was alone before I actually picked up the phone and went through with the whole thing.
The phone rang a few times, and I was beginning to think that I was going to get the machine, nearly hanging up before a masculine voice picked up at the other end of the line.
"Yes?"
I knew it was Mr. Donovan right away. He was the only person in the world that I ever heard answer the phone that way, and he'd been doing it since Kerri and I were just kids. I swallowed hard before responding. Our parents had always been close, but I always viewed him as a strict individual. He was always the one to pack extra first aid supplies and sleeping bags for the cold when our families would take trips up to the lake during the summer. He'd always kept a firm grip on Kerri as a child, never letting her stray too far from his presence, always giving her an earlier curfew than the rest of the kids, and absolutely loathing the idea that she wanted anything to do with my career. I never really liked him much, it was her mother that I'd usually have conversations with up until she had that miscarriage, and I was hoping she would have been the one to answer the phone. I almost hung up, but then I thought about it, and realized how much I needed to get the situation out of the way so I could move on with my life. So I decided to suck up my fears and talk, instead of running away.
"Hi, Mr. Donovan," I said, forcing that charming boy next door tone into my voice. "It's Justin."
I expected the pause that followed. He probably had no idea why I would think to call him after everything that had taken place. I was sure it was no news to him that his daughter and I had broken up, even though I wasn't sure how much he knew about the previous year and everything Kerri and I had been through together. I was sure he knew next to nothing about it though. He'd been against Kerri moving out to LA with me from the start, and I was probably one of his least favorite people at that moment.r32;
"Hello, son," he finally said, the strain in his voice more than apparent. "What can I do for you?"
I took in a slow breath, automatically sensing the animosity he was holding against me through the phone. It was bad, but just talking to him was starting to make me remember why it was that I'd cut Kerri off in the first place. No, it wasn't her fault that her parents didn't understand, but I knew how she must have made me look in their eyes. It sucked because no matter what, I would be seeing them at my cousin's wedding, since my mother had made sure to invite them. "Well, I was just calling to check in. My mother told me that you and Mrs. Donovan were coming to the wedding next month, so I thought I would give you a call and say hi."
He laughed at me like he knew I was full of shit. "How long have I known you, Justin?"
"Um...I..."
"Met you when you were a little tyke, maybe five? Six?"
"Yes, sir."
"You know what your momma told me the first time we met?"
I could feel my palms start to sweat, and that familiar feeling of doom began to pound in the pit of my stomach. I knew the guy couldn't stand me, and I was beginning to think that I had made a big mistake thinking I could call him and get a positive reaction from him. "No, sir."
"She said you were a good boy. Couldn't lie for shit, but still, you were a good boy."
I felt my face turn red. "Well, I..."
"Let's just get to the point, son, how about that? You didn't call me to find out if me and the wife are doing okay, or to see how the weather's been down here. If you want to ask me a question, be a man, suck it up, and ask."
I figured the best thing to do was take his advice. After all, he hadn't hung up on me so there must have been a part of him that was still connected to our past. Or maybe it was just that he still had respect for my mom and Paul, that was keeping him from hanging up. "I guess I was just...I mean, I've been trying to find out where Kerri's been all this time, that's all," I said solemnly. "I thought you might have an idea."
"Funny," he chuckled. "In a minute, I was going to ask you the same thing."
I frowned. "You mean, you don't..."
"Know where she is? Justin, I haven't heard from that girl in months, ever since she left to go back to Los Angeles to stay with that friend of yours. I figured if anything, she would have checked in with you at some point, but I guess she decided to cut you off along with the rest of us. Her mother's been a wreck. I've been trying to do things to take her mind off it. She's in Disney World with our Mary and my parents right now."
I felt bad for him. I could tell he was worried about Kerri, but taking it in his own way, as I should have figured he would. I wanted to tell him that it was all my fault, that I hurt her and made her close herself off from everybody that had mattered to her once upon a time. But of course I didn't. I was too scared of what he might say or do to me to tell him the real truth. The only thing I could really do at that point was sigh and tell him I was sorry.
"Nothin' to be sorry for," he replied, automatically. "You know Kerrigan, she does what she wants and doesn't pay mind to anybody else most of the time. The last time she and I spoke, I told her that she better be coming home for the wedding or she wasn't welcome in my house anymore. So, I think that's the next time I'll be able to see her, unfortunately. Sorry I couldn't help you more, son. That Trace character would probably be the person to ask. I'd call him myself, but honestly, I'm tired of chasing her."
When I was really bad, hiding myself in my room away from the rest of humanity, I'd nearly cut my mom off. Nearly. But I never did it completely. We'd talk at least once a week on the phone before Melanie came along. But Kerri, she'd completely stopped talking to her folks and I just couldn't understand that. Sure, they didn't understand a lot of what happened, and it scared them, but I think Kerri made them out to be worse than they actually were. Regardless of anything, they were her parents, and she should have been giving them a call once in awhile to let them know if she was doing okay. I suddenly remembered how selfish Kerri could be at times, the very reason I started to get sick of her, how badly I had wished she would get herself some fucking help so she could stop bringing the rest of us down with her. "It's okay, Mr. Donovan," I managed after a moment. "Sorry for bothering you like this."
"No bother," he reassured me. "You doing okay? Your momma told me the other day that you were starting up some big to do with a new song. Congratulations."
"Thanks," I said, trying to keep my tone bright. "It's just a rerelease. I'm doing some interviews and stuff." I knew he didn't really care, but he was trying to be polite. I respected him for that, and wished I could have conjured up something else interesting to talk to him about. But I knew that in reality I didn't want to, because he and I had never been that close.
"She's also been going on and on about this great new assistant she found for you. Stops me every morning at the mailbox to tell me a new story," he chuckles. "The family is in cahoots about getting a glimpse of her. Is she coming home with you?"
I was angry at my mom for mentioning Melanie to Mr. Donovan. After everything, I would have thought she would be more discreet around him regarding my personal life. But my mom has been really upbeat lately because I've been doing so well for myself, and she loves Melanie. Naturally, she would have wanted to share her feelings with everybody she knew, and since Shelby Forest is so fucking small, it means that everybody in town now knows my business. "Uh yeah," I said softly. "She should be there."
"Great. I'll have Sandra make a pie."
"Oh, Mr. Donovan, you don't really have to..."
"Take care, son. If Kerri does happen to call, I'll give her the message that you're looking for her. "
He hung up on me before I could get another word in, and I simply stared at my phone, mouth hanging open like I didn't know what the hell just happened. The conversation had gone from awkward, to warm, to completely ridiculous in the matter of a few minutes. I felt like calling my mother up and giving her a piece of my mind, but I knew it wouldn't have solved anything. She would have only told me that Melanie was coming home with me anyway, and why shouldn't everybody know about the new comer? It wasn't worth it, and I sighed heavily, knowing that I hadn't gotten any closer to my goal of moving past my drama with Kerri Donovan. If anything, I'd only caused more turmoil in my own mind, and that just flat out sucked.
I forced myself to put the situation out of my mind though, because Trace called me almost right after that, telling me that he was on his way over and I should be ready when he got there. Normally, the conversation with Mr. Donovan would have been something that I would have wanted to discuss with Trace, but something inside was warning me not to tell him about it. I think I knew he was probably under more pressure than he was letting on, getting everything coordinated for me so I wouldn't have to worry on the day of the radio interview. Bringing up Kerri and my plans for closure probably would have caused him to get into one of his foul moods, followed by him lecturing me on just why it was that I needed to leave Kerri alone to handle her problems, and that I had a lot of other shit to deal with.
Now that I think about it, I guess I wasn't in the mood to hear what he had to say about her either.
I figure...maybe it's a sign. The fates are telling me to focus on what I have, and my career, stop driving myself crazy searching for closure with Kerri. I mean, hell, who knows if she would even talk to me if I found her? What would I even do if I found out where she was? Go up there, knock on the door, and tell her I was sorry? I know Kerri. Granted, she's not the same girl anymore, but despite that I know the fire inside of her will never die. She'll always be a little bold, and I'm positive she wouldn't hesitate to kick me in the balls upon seeing me again. I should just stay away, wait for things to calm down a little. Maybe when I go home I can spot her while she's alone at her parent's, and we can have a little chat. I won't be so frantic then because I'll be surrounded by all of my family, and I think I can be mellow for her, listen to every horrible thing she wants to say to me, and hopefully come up with something to make her forgive me.
I sucked it all up for Trace, because I thought our lunch was supposed to be about business. I was ready to plan out Tuesday, prepare myself for any sort of fan encounters that I would want Eric close by for. I knew Trace would know exactly what was going on, so I wasn't worried. I even thought I'd be able to relax during our meal, have a couple of beers or something since he was the one who was driving.
But of course, the sneaky shit had something entirely different in mind.
"Don't freak out," he said, smirking at me a little as we pulled up to the restaurant. "Okay?"
I looked over at him, and shot him a confused glance. "What?"
"You remember our discussion about meeting up with Marty, right?"
I felt myself go tense. Yeah, I knew we were supposed to meet up with him at some point, but I never thought Trace would have picked that particular day to do it. There was so much to discuss, to analyze. My mind was literally a jumbled mixture of everything that was going to be happening in the coming week, and my feelings about Melanie on top of it. That, along with the Kerri stuff, didn't leave much room for me to worry about anything else. But Trace is a dick sometimes, and doesn't really care how stressed out I can become at the slightest little thing. He pulled the same shit the night he wanted me to agree to the interview, and I probably wouldn't have signed the forms if he hadn't told me his plans to take his old position back again.
"That's not today is it?" I groaned, shooting him an annoyed look.
He shrugged his shoulders, and rolled down the window for the valet. "What better day than today? I figured we were going to talk about tour stuff, and he should be here for that anyway. We need to coordinate rehearsal time, J. You're probably real rusty."
I crossed my arms and looked straight ahead, the annoyance more than apparent on my face. "You couldn't have waited until after Tuesday, or I mean, at least told me he was coming? What the hell?"
"Grow some balls, would you?" He glared as he shut the car off and handed the guy his key through the window. "He was free today, and you know, next week I'll be even busier and you probably will be too."
"He hasn't seen me since the VMA's, Trace," I said, gritting my teeth as I threw my seatbelt off. "He came to my house and I had Melanie tell him I didn't want to see him. He probably thinks I'm a fucking asshole, and I...I can't deal with that today. Just call him, tell him that I couldn't make it. I want to go home."
"You know," he said, giving me a regretful look. "You haven't seen Jason since before the VMA's. He probably feels worse than Marty ever has about all this."
My eyes widened at the mention of my personal trainer. "He's in there too?"
He only sighed and shook his head. "You need to see your friends, who I might add, also work for you."
"How the fuck are you going to do this shit to me without even asking?" My voice had reached an awkward, paranoid pitch, and I rubbed my face with my hands. "You're supposed to be the one who knows better. This is something my mom would pull."
"You know, you're an ungrateful asshole," he snapped as he threw open the door and began to get out of the car. "All the shit I do for you, sticking by you, taking my old job back, trying to make people understand you and say ‘hey, he's not so bad', and you don't even give a shit, Justin. You just want to keep going at your own pace, expecting people to wait around for you to be their friend again. Well guess fucking what, you're not that privileged! You already lost Kerri, you can't afford to lose them too."
I just stared at him. He seemed really bitter, really angry, and I wasn't sure I understood. We moved on from the bad shit, put the past behind us, deciding to only focus on what the future held in store. But in that moment, he was acting exactly like he had right before he stopped talking to me. It scared me just a little, but I wasn't going to let on how I felt in front of him. It pissed me off that he was being so gruff with me, when I felt I had a good reason to be mad at him, and the fact that he was bringing up how I lost Kerri really agitated the hell out of me. "What's up with you?" I grunted at him. "You're so fuckin' uptight all of a sudden, because I'm nervous about seeing them. It's like you don't remember the past ten months at all, and now you're rubbing Kerri in my face too."
"I have a lot on my mind," he said, not meeting my gaze.
"Like what?" I said softly, realizing there was more to his attitude than I thought.
"Everything. Don't worry about it." He looked back over his shoulder. "Look, I just want things to be okay before you start getting caught up in the business again. You need your friends around you, and it pisses me off that you're acting like you can't see them. Hell, Justin, Melanie was a complete stranger and look how close you two are. You've known Marty and Jason for years. It's wrong to shut them out, you know?"
I sighed, knowing there was more to it that he wasn't telling me. But I wasn't going to push him. I didn't have the patience to do it at that point, knowing that if he said one more thing that pissed me off I'd lose it on him. The best thing to do was go in the restaurant and make the best of the situation. I knew how to be professional, and cordial, so that would have to work for me. But I knew Marty and Jason were two of my best friends. I'd never put on a professional front for them in the past. They weren't a couple of executives or stupid ass reporters that wanted something from me. They were there to see me, Justin. Not JT, not Justin Timberlake. If I had any hopes of being normal again, I knew it was a step I had to take.
And I knew Trace had a point then. I knew I was being just as selfish as he told me I was. "I'm sorry, man."
"Yeah," he said quietly. "I know you are."
He wasn't sorry though, and it was the only thing I could think about as we entered the restaurant. I stood causally behind him as he told the hostess we were meeting some people, my hands shoved in my pockets, not making eye contact with anybody. It was the first time since the kidnapping that I'd gone out to a restaurant in a busy part of West Hollywood without the aid of Eric at my side. I hadn't even thought to call him, and I was glad because if Marty and Jason saw him with me, they would have thought it odd. I'd lived in LA for awhile, and before the kidnapping I would roam around like a normal person, running errands and living my life. That was the Justin they were expecting, and I wasn't about to disappoint them.
I followed Trace over to the table, spotting Jason and Marty immediately, who stopped what seemed to be a light hearted conversation so they could both stare at me. I wanted to run away and hide, but I knew that I couldn't. I had taken the bait, been conned into coming to the restaurant with Trace, and I knew that if the two of them saw me excuse myself and leave, I was sure I wouldn't have another chance at making things up to them.
"Hey Jus." Marty had been the first one to break the awkward silence around us, not that I was surprised. He was usually the most outspoken one in our little clan, the one who didn't give a shit about feelings or whatever else. He was blunt and to the point, always, and it was the reason I trusted him to head up my dance team. If I sucked at something, he wouldn't hesitate to let me know, despite the fact that I was the leader.
"Hey." I'd tried to smile for him, and I'd managed a small smirk as he stood up and pulled me into a light hug, patting my back a little, seemingly to tell me there was no hard feelings between us. "It's good to see you, man."
"Likewise." He smiled as he pulled away from me and reached over to shake hands with Trace. "I hear we're getting back to work next year, bro. Can't wait. I've been itching to try out some new stuff on a few of those songs."
I nodded at him, feeling like I could have melted into the conversation, letting all the stress and tension I'd been feeling slowly fade away. But I realized I couldn't when my gaze had landed on Jason. He was still seated, arms crossed, staring at me like I had a nerve showing up in the first place. That was Jason though. When something pissed him off it usually took a lot to make him snap out of it, and I was wondering who had convinced him to join us for lunch that day. Trace sat down beside Jason and I eyed him a little, trying to ask him what I should do without saying anything. But of course, he just pretended to be more interested in his menu than the fact that I was scared to death.
"Hey Jason," I finally pushed myself to say, making sure to meet his gaze. "It's been awhile."
"Didn't think you'd show," he grunted.
"Yeah..." I trailed off and looked down at the floor for a moment, before sliding my chair out and taking a seat. "Well I didn't really know..."
"How you been keeping in such good shape, J?" He asked me harshly before I could explain myself, looking me up and down with accusing eyes. "You get a new trainer or something?"
He was really bitter, but I couldn't say I blamed him. If things had been reversed, if he'd just stopped calling me without much of an explanation, I would have been acting the same way. I was about to say fuck it all, tell Trace to bring me the hell home because I didn't feel like being criticized anymore. But then Trace spoke up, catching me completely off guard.
"He has a little helper," he snickered, eyeing me mischievously. "Keeps him on his toes."
"Probably not you," Marty laughed lightly.
"Yeah, pudgy little bastard," Jason chimed in, with the first smile I'd seen him crack since we arrived.
"Fuck y'all," Trace pouted, rubbing his stomach a little bit. "I wasn't talkin' about me anyway."
"Then who are you talking about?" Jason asked, the curiosity taking the place of his bitter tone.
I felt myself become short of breath. I had only just sat down, and the tension was still going strong at the table. Now the subject of Melanie was about to be brought up, and I...I definitely wasn't ready to introduce her into the conversation. Jason and Marty didn't even know what I'd been up to since I'd gone into hibernation. Of course, I didn't want them to know that I'd turned into a fucking mental case. Hell, they didn't even know I'd gone to Orange Valley or about Shane. The only thing they did know, was that I'd been kidnapped, it changed me, and they weren't sure if I was really their friend anymore. "Trace..."
"This girl Lynn hired," he blurted out, before I could stop him. "She gets his ass out of bed every morning to go running. What are you guys up to now, Justin? Five miles?"
"Yeah," I muttered, not looking any of them in the eyes. I could have killed him for putting my personal shit out in the open like that. Granted, it was the way things had been not so long ago. Hell, back then I would have been the one to tell them about Melanie. But things weren't like that anymore. I wanted to tread lightly, get a feel for how they really felt about me before I started to tell them what had been going in my life, that I thought I was in love with somebody, and that it wasn't Kerri.
"Boy, J, you always have some girl hanging around, don't you?" Marty laughed at me.
"They've done Tae Bo together," Trace informed them. "She kicked his ass though."
"Tae Bo?" Jason cocked his head to the side. "Shit man, you must like this girl. I'm not surprised she kicked your ass though. Must have felt nice though, feelin' her on you and shit." He smiled brightly as he held his arms out in front of him and performed a pelvic thrust for us all. "Got your junk all riled, huh?"
I felt my face turn red and I could hear Trace start to laugh. I would have punched him, but I figured it probably wasn't the best time for my emotions to flare up like that.
The waitress came before either of them could gruel me more about my personal life, and I was thankful, making sure to order myself a nice big beer to ease the tension away. Trace ordered the same thing, and I figured things were starting to calm down a little. Marty and Jason weren't staring at me awkwardly anymore, they were more concerned about their lunch choice than if I was fucking some girl, which was fine with me. I had just placed my order, and started to make small talk with my three friends about the upcoming tour, and my radio interview, glad I'd managed to deter them from the subject of Melanie and their curiosities as to what I was up to. Then my phone started to chime inside my pocket, telling me I had a new text message. I tried to hide my smile, because I figured it was most likely Melanie, since Trace was sitting beside me and had no reason to secretly text me at the table. I pulled it out of my pocket and realized I was right.
Nom, nom, nom. I guess you're at lunch?
I tried to stifle my stupid giggle. I knew I sounded like a retard, but there was no turning back. I loved when she did stupid little crap like that to me. It usually brightened my day when I was confused, or stressed, and I knew I needed a funny text from her then.
"Why you giggling like a fag?" Jason chided.
I got a little tense at his comment, for a moment looking at him to see if he was being serious. One nudge from Trace though, and I quickly snapped out of it. I eyed him and he was giving me a warning look, telling me that it wasn't the time to fall apart over a meaningless little comment. It was a change for me...that I didn't let it get to me. Normally I would have ran to the bathroom and thrown up, or cried, but I don't know...it was like, it still bothered me, but I knew Jason didn't know any better.
Maybe I finally realized who I was, and that I definitely wasn't gay.
"Justin got the phone bone," Trace laughed. "Didn't you?"
I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help but chuckle. "Whatever, screw you."
"Let me see."
Jason reached over and tried to grab the phone out of my hand, but I made sure to pull it away just in time. "Hey, man," I smiled. "Quit it."
"Why can't you just let us in on your hot little shit," Marty said after a moment. "What's wrong? You think one of us is going to steal her?"
"Nah," Jason laughed. "He's just scared we'll tell her how much of a dumbass he is."
Jason didn't know how right he was. The things they could tell Melanie about my past were things I really didn't want her to know. The late nights on my bus last year...getting high, inviting random girls to party with us. How wasted I would get. How before Cameron came around, sometimes I would go to bed with a girl and not even remember how I ended up with her in the morning. I mean, yeah, that's not me anymore, but I know how fragile Melanie is when it comes to sex and if she was to find out how horny I was just a year ago, she might not want to be with me anymore.
"You're the dumbass," I laughed, reaching up to scratch the top of my head, completely forgetting that I'd placed my phone down on the table. I gasped a little when I saw a pale white arm reach across and snatch it up, and I scowled when I saw Mary waving the phone at me mockingly from his seat. "Marty, come on."
"Let me see it!" Jason laughed, rising up out of his chair so Marty could toss it over to him.
"Guys..." I sighed, and looked over at Trace, sending him a pleading look. He didn't care though. He was too busy drinking his beer, and laughing at the banter that was going on over my personal life. "Do something," I whispered to him.
"Sorry man," he said, rubbing his eyes a little as he laughed. "This is too good to pass up."
"Mel-an-ie." Jason spoke her name slowly as he read the screen, and let out a sarcastic laugh. "You got speaker on this thing?"
"Jason..."
"Here, I'll show you how." Trace reached across the table and pointed to a few buttons, explaining to Jason how to make the speaker work.
"I think we should introduce ourselves," Marty smiled at me. "You know, since she works for you and we do too, it's only fair. She's a co-worker, right Jason?"r32;
"Oh yeah." He raised an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes at me. "I'm sure that's what she is."
I made one more pathetic attempt to get my phone away from Jason, but Marty stood behind my chair and held me down, telling me that they were doing it for my own good.
"You guys are all assholes," I said gruffly, stealing one final death look at Trace before Jason got Melanie on the line.
Naturally, he just gave me the finger.
"Hey, good, I didn't know if you were still out with Trace or not," Melanie's voice came out brightly over the speaker. "But I Tivoed One Life for you because I knew you wanted to find out what happens to Chelsea and Matt. You're not going to believe it," she squealed.
Three voices cracked up simultaneously, and I'd crossed my arms stubbornly, shrinking down into my seat because I was so embarrassed. I could feel eyes staring into the back of my head too, and I was sure the uproar from my friends was making us the highlight of the lunch hour for the other diners. I only prayed nobody had a video camera on them. I'd never live it down if somebody put my love of soap operas on the internet for the world to see.
"This isn't Justin," Melanie spoke up after the laughter had died down.
"Well no, but that's okay baby, you can talk to me," Jason said, his voice filled with smugness as he stole a smile in my direction.
"And who are you again?"
She was getting confused, I could tell, and I was sure that when I got home she was going to let me have it. She'd blame the whole thing on me, saying that I let my friends call her deliberately to embarrass her. Of course I wouldn't have a good enough explanation for her, and she'd end up going to bed angry with me. I glared at Trace. It was all his fault.
"His name is Jason," Trace spoke up quickly. "He's our friend, Mel. We're still at lunch."
I was glad he d finally decided to be my friend and save me from an ass chewing, but still...I didn't smile at him. I was still angry with him, and I didn't feel like he had any right letting the two of them taking advantage of me like they were.
"Well, Jason, do you always call people you don't know?"
He laughed at her. "Well, I was just curious. Justin got the phone bone and I wanted to hear what all the hype was about. But now all I really know is Justin likes to watch One Life to Live, and I'm never letting him forget it."
Marty and Trace proceeded to laugh until their faces turned red, and I guess I started to laugh a little bit too. Jason wasn't being mean after all, he was just being himself. He'd always been rambunctious, the one to come out with a hilarious joke when I was worn down or annoyed. I shouldn't have expected anything less from him, actually, and I began to think about everything I was missing out on. How I wasn't really getting to live my life to the fullest if I wasn't talking to my other friends. Yeah, Trace was my very best friend but, Jason and Marty came pretty close too. I missed them, and knowing that I had another chance to rebuild my friendship with them got me to perk up. I sat up in my chair again, and I saw Trace smile at me a little, probably knowing that I was coming out of my mood.
"What's wrong with soaps?" she asked. "You men seriously underestimate them. The story lines are captivating and they keep you on the edge of your seat."
"I dated a girl on a soap," Jason told her smugly. "She was always coming home trying to light candles and shit, puttin' silk sheets on the bed, asking me why I thought some chicks baby wasn't mine. Eventually I found out she was just using me to rehearse. Never again." He pointed to the phone and grinned devilishly.
"Don't listen to him," I spoke up finally. "He's severely challenged, Mel."
"Ohh the short name," Marty spoke up. "That's when you know something is serious."
"Justin and I are friends," Melanie laughed. "You guys are probably making his face turn red. Trace, you know, you could help him out a little."
"No way," Trace smiled. "It's better to watch him squirm."
"So, er...Mel," Jason laughed. "Tell our audience... where you from? What brings you to town, and what in the world made you decide that working for Justin would be tons of fun?"
"Is this like a game show?" she questioned. "Do I win a free years subscription to Soap Opera Digest if I answer the right way?"
"Justin's got your prize," Jason said playfully, eyeing me to see how I'd react. I only rolled my eyes, knowing that Melanie probably didn't approve, and I wasn't going to join in on his fun.
"Is it a latex suit?"
My face was on fire, and my three friends proceeded to stare at me like she was crazy. I knew I couldn't tell them the Mrs. Doubtfire story. They wouldn't have believed me anyway, so I decided to talk to Melanie instead. "You already lost that bet, Mel," I reminded her. "Remember?"
"Oh that's right," she said. "We were betting on how long it would take before Trace and Tarin went to make out, leaving us in the shadows. I lost though. I didn't realize how horny Trace was that night."
The pressure was immediately put on Trace, who looked a little bit embarrassed, but was proceeding to laugh it off. "Funny, Mel," he chuckled. "Gotta use my good looks against me, huh?"
The only thing I could think was that Mel had used the word horny in front of my friends. It was so unlike her that it almost gave me chills. She was never that gruff when we were alone or hanging around Trace, but I figured that maybe she was putting all of her morals to the side for my sake. She didn't know my friends, and I was sure she knew that I didn't want them to bother her or think bad of her. She was really good at putting on a front for them, sort of like I was really good at putting on a front for people I was uncomfortable with.
"Oh, please," Melanie laughed again. "Come on, don't you guys have anything better to do than bother me? Shouldn't you be having some kind of heart to heart guy thing?"
"Guys don't do that," Marty told her. "By the way, since Jason, Trace, and Justin are all so rude, I'll introduce myself. I'm Marty."
"That was pretty rude of you guys," Melanie agreed. "All I kept thinking was, who is that strange man speaking? Now I know it was a strange man named, Marty. It's nice to meet...well, hear you I guess."
"I like her," Jason concluded as if she weren't still on the line. "She doesn't bow down to you, J."
"No, he bows down to me."
Trace eyed me and I returned his gaze with a stupid little smile, knowing that she was basically right, but that I'd never admit it to anybody. "Don't be so smug, Mel," I told her.
"What's this Tae Bo story I'm hearing about," Jason said, changing the subject once again. "I tried to teach him that shit, brought him a video and everything. You know where that shit wound up, Mel?"
"Under the couch," she stated. "I should know, I found it."
Jason frowned and shook his head. "It's a damn shame."
"He isn't very good at it anyway," Melanie informed him with a giggle. "I beat him."
"Oh I heard," Jason said.
"Did you hear how I pinned him down? That's the story that's going around, and you know I'm a little put off by it," she pouted. "It wasn't like I wanted to beat him. He just couldn't handle me."
"Oh shit," Trace said, covering his mouth so he wouldn't burst out laughing.
Author's Chapter Notes:
These next two chapters co-incide with each other, but they were simply too long to be one big chapter, and i didn't want to torture you guys. Special thanks to Mere for all of her input on this :)
Story Tags: justinandtrace
