"Hey Nat," I say, knowing that by shortening her name, she'll think that I want to be her friend.

"Yeah," she says to me, almost squealing with delight.

"Do me a favor."  I lean in so I can whisper in her ear.  "If you see Kerri, don't let her know that we talked about her or anything, all right?  I haven't seen her in awhile, and I want to surprise her later on.  Can you do that for me?"

"Oh yeah," she reassures me with a delighted smile.  "I can do that, Justin."

"Good."  I give her a little peck on the cheek, and I see her face turn bright red almost automatically.  "So I'll see you for the next segment, all right?"

"Okay!"

I give each of them a hug before they're escorted away by the same intern, and I let out a very long breath, rubbing my face with my hands.  I just...I'm in disbelief.  The fact that Kerri is somewhere in this building is crazy to me.  After all the searching I've been doing, she's been right under my fucking nose this whole time.

Only, I'm completely unprepared to see her today.

Eric tells me he's going to the bathroom, but I barely hear him, because I'm too busy staring at the walls, trying to come up with an explanation for all of this.  The fact that I can't is making me angrier by the minute though, and I really have no clue what I'm going to do during the next segment...or if Kerri happens to show herself.

"Hey."  Trace comes up and stands next to me after awhile.  "Coffee is on the way. I told them to do black for you."

I look at him, stare at him for awhile to see if I can find any ounce of guilt expressed on his face.  There's nothing there though.  No, he's keeping it all bottled up inside to protect himself, but he's about to get a rude awakening.  "I gotta ask you something," I say, with a light chuckle.

"Sure," he says, nonchalantly.  "Everything's okay right?"

"I don't know." I look at him and smirk.  "You tell me."

He eyes me nervously.  "What?"

"Kerri's here," I say quietly.  "Isn't she?"

His face turns pale.  "How..."

"Just forget it." I shake my head roughly and walk away from him, towards the elevators.  I need to get out, do something...call Melanie.

I need Melanie.

"Justin!"

His hand grips my shoulder and I quickly turn around and push him back.  "Just stay away from me."

He sighs and rolls his eyes, like I'm the one with the problem.  "Justin, calm down..."

"I'm not gonna calm down!" I say, with a harsh whisper.  I know I can't scream at him here.  Not when Sonia and Tarin and everyone else are standing within earshot.  My outburst could embarrass me, and embarrass the station.  No, for once, I'm going to be calm, cool and collected...for the most part.  "You knew the whole time, didn't you?"

He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at the floor.

"Answer me!"

"Yeah I did," he says gruffly.  "But I'm not going to talk about it here."

I glare at him.  "Yes you are."

"No." He steps up to me and stares me down, an intimidating gaze in his eyes.  "I'm not."

I try to grab his arm as he briskly walks past me, but he just yanks away from me and gives me another warning look before going into the sound booth where Tarin has been standing, talking to JoJo.  He starts to talk to her, and hug her around the waist like everything is just fucking great, and I just don't get it.

He's acting like it doesn't even matter.

"Hey man."  David is here now, throwing his arm around me and leading back towards the sound booth where my supposed best friend and his girl are seated, along with Sonia and JoJo.  I don't want to go in there, or go through with this day anymore.  I wish I could tell him.  I wish I could be a real person right now and tell David that I'm fucking scared shitless, and either I go or Kerri goes.  But that's not possible.  He views me a certain way and I have to make sure I don't let myself slip up.  The day is too important, and Sonia would have a fit if I left right now, unless I was running a very high fever.  "So you've been doing good right?"

"Yeah."  I force a small smile for him as we pause outside of the sound booth.  "I'm all right."

"Cool." He flashes me a smile that's full of dollar signs, and usually I'd ignore it, but given the situation I can't let anything go at the moment.  "So listen, about that tour of yours.  What's the chances of you doing a little show maybe before November?  Kiss could host it, you know?  It would make us look really good, and give our ratings a huge boost."

I'd love to tell him yes.  Earlier, before I knew Kerri was around, maybe I would have considered it too.  But not now.  No, right now I'm too confused to make any kind of decision, except for cutting Trace's dick off later on.  "Ah, I'd like to man."  I give him a little smile.  "I just don't know what I'm going to be up to.  My schedule might be a little bit too tied up, but you know, I'll have Trace keep you in the loop, all right?"

"Oh."  His smile fades to nothing, and he lets out a sigh.  "Sure, Justin.  That's cool."

I'm so fucking tempted to ask him where Kerri is, but I think it would raise a lot of questions that I don't want to answer, so I just look on as he walks away from me, seemingly let down by my answer.  I don't fucking care though.  I can't make anybody else happy right now, doesn't he realize that? I already took a risk coming in here, doing this interview and shit.  It's like he doesn't appreciate it...nobody appreciates anything I do.

Fuck, I need to get myself together.

The thought of coffee on the way is the only thing that keeps me going as I enter the sound booth again, making sure to take a seat opposite Trace so I don't have to sit next to him.  Sonia and Tarin both eye me strangely, but don't ask questions when I just sit there silently.  Eric brings the four girls in again, and they smile at me.  Somehow, I force myself to smile for them too, even though I know it's not a genuine one.  "The coffee will be here soon right?" I ask, making sure to pay Trace no mind as I say the words.

Tarin sighs.  "She was supposed to bring it...damn it..."  She picks up the phone and dials a number.  "Kerri, where's the coffee?  Oh, well, you have about five minutes til air so you have to get up here now.  Yeah....okay, bye."

Be careful what you wish for... The words echo in my mind and I want to scream, hide, anything.  All the people they have working here, and they send Kerri to get the fucking coffee? What the hell? Does fate really hate me that much?  Oh this is bad...really, really bad.  I look at Trace and he's looking down at his phone like I'm not even here.  I fucking hate him.  I do.

"Are you okay?" I hear Sonia ask me a moment later.  "You look like you're going to be sick."

"He's fine," Trace grunts before I can respond.

I hear David laughing a little.

It's a fucking conspiracy.  

"Sorry.  I just...the cashier, she didn't give me the right change, and there was a line."  A gust of air blows through the room as the tall blond girl makes her way across, handing Tarin her coffee first and foremost.  "I'm sorry."

She's out of breath, looks more tired than I've ever seen her look in my life.  I stare.  It's all I can do, and I know it's rude, and awkward...very out of place for me.  But I can't help it.  It's been too long.  The last time I saw her she was bloody...beat up...

Fuck.  I can feel the tears welling up.  But I can't cry now.  I can't.  Suck it the fuck up...

"Black, two sugars."  Her voice shakes as she hands David his coffee.  "Five sugars, light cream," she says as she hands JoJo his. "Light, extra sweet."  She hands a cup to Sonia next.  "Iced tea."  

She hands the cup to Eric, who looks at her in disbelief.  "Small fuckin world."  He laughs as he sticks his straw in.  "How you doin' girl?"

"I'm okay..."  

She still doesn't look my way.  Next is Trace, and I stare at him, giving him the fucking death look as if he'll simply fall out of his chair or something, but he never does.

"Cream, no sugar," she whispers, handing Trace his cup gently.  They stare each other in the eyes for the briefest of seconds, almost like they're telling each other that they're sorry, before Kerri can move onto the next thing.

"Black."

I stare at her.  Just stare.  I can't do anything else.  My arms are crossed and I can't uncross them to take the fucking cup from her.  

"Black."

She's about to cry, and I'm not helping the situation.  Somehow, I manage to extend my arm towards her and she gently hands me the cup.  Our fingers brush against each others just slightly, and it sends waves of guilt surging through my body.  "Thank you," I croak out.

"Yeah."

"Presenting, Kerri Donovan," David chirps up brightly before she can leave.  "Who, without, we'd never know a hot cup of coffee in the mornings.  Let's give her a hand."

Kerri's face turns bright red, and she runs a hand through her hair.  "I um...thanks."

Everybody follows his lead, with the exception of myself and Trace.  Tarin definitely knows something is up now, because she's staring at us curiously as she claps her hands, like she has no idea what the fuck our problems are.

"Anything else?" Kerri says, managing to smile for her boss.

"You should stay," David tells her.  "Watch the interview, Ker.  It's fine."

"Oh no," she chuckles.  "I have a lot to do."

I have no idea what's running through her mind right now, but I'm sure it's anything but a pleasant thought about me.  I'd like to help her, tell David to leave her the hell alone so she can escape, but I know I can't act up.  We're about to go on the air, and I have to be composed, so I just take a really long sip of the strong black coffee, hoping it'll knock some much needed stamina into me.

"It's okay, Kerri," Tarin says after awhile, seeming to sense how uncomfortable she is.  "I'll see you after, all right?"

Kerri shoots her a thankful look.  "Okay."

"Well at least take a picture you two," David says, when Kerri is literally inches away from freedom.  "You're old friends, after all."

Oh fucking God.  Trace is going to pay for this, dearly.

"Don't we have to go to air?" Trace pipes up, finally looking up from his phone.

"There's enough time," Tarin snaps at him, her hands on her hips.  Oh she knows something is up, and that her boyfriend is the sole cause of it.

That makes two of us that are completely livid with him.

I look at Kerri.  She looks at me.  Neither of us can find our voices, and I wish I hadn't known her my whole life so I would be clueless to the fact that she's about to piss herself.  

"Here." David pulls a digital camera out of his pocket.  "Tarin, you get in too.  It'll look great on the website."

"I really have to go do..." Kerri begins, very uncomfortably.r32;
"I"m telling you that it can wait," David interrupts her, his voice getting a little bit intimidating as he goes over and throws an arm around her gently. "Okay?"

"Yeah...," she manages to say with a small nod.  "Okay."  

She fidgets nervously as I get up from my chair, and go stand next to Tarin who has immediately gone to stand right next to Kerri.  I guess it's good that we don't have to be right next to each other, not that this is any better.  What a great picture.  Me, the fucking asshole, taking a picture with her...the innocent one, and Trace's girlfriend, who's only starting to get a clue as to how fucked up my friendship with Kerri really is.

"Smile!" David says excitedly.

I think I smile.  I'm not completely positive, but knowing myself and my natural reaction to taking pictures after all these years, I'm sure I at least smirked.  I have no idea what Kerri did, and I'm sure Tarin looks happy as ever, all for the sake of a great picture on the radio stations website.  It takes an eternity, but after David gets a few shots off, including a few with JoJo instead of Tarin, we're finally able to disperse.  Kerri doesn't even say goodbye, just nods at something that Tarin says to her and races out of the room.  I sit back down in my chair with a sigh, and rub my face with my hands for a moment before I remember myself.  There are fans, your publicist is here...

I look up and smile for all of them, like nothing ever happened.  Tarin takes her place on the opposite side of the table again, and shoots me a knowing look before she slips on her own headphones and hands me my pair.  "Ready, Justin?"

I nod and slip them on.

We begin the next part of the segment then.  Trace leaves the room during the first five minutes, and doesn't return.  I know he's gone to Kerri like he always does, probably talking her down and shit.  Part of me even wonders if she was in on this.  If she knew I was going to be here even before I did.  I have no idea.  But even if that's the case, it's not her fault.

None of this is her fault.

Her life getting fucked up is my fault, and now she's having to relive every single thing I ever did to her.

But that's Trace's fucking fault.

And when we get out of here, I'm going to put him in his fucking place real quick.

I have to sit through twenty calls of mindless questions, screams of ‘I love you's' and ‘I'm so glad you're okay's', having to make sure to smile, force a pleasant tone or a cute joke for the entire duration of it.  It's easier without Trace being here.  I doubt I'd be able to pull my mood off otherwise.  Then, finally, a commercial break.  Naturally, I quickly excuse myself and nobody asks questions.  I make a marathon run to the bathroom, praying I don't run into Trace on the way, and I don't.  He must be lurking somewhere else...

The fucking scum bag that he is.

I can't breathe now.  I try to, but it's so hard, and when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see the same person I saw this morning.  This one is broken, a shell of himself.  He hurt his best friend, nearly killed her.  He closes his eyes and can hear her scream, he can feel himself hit her as hard as he can....

My eyes snap open and I know I'm crying, but don't look at my reflection again.  I brace my hands on either side of the sink and look down into it, hoping it can give me some kind of comfort, but of course it doesn't.  I feel sick.  I want to vomit...but damn it, I'm so tired of being weak.  I just want to move on, but fuck, how am I supposed to do that? I did horrible fucking things to her.  I want forgiveness.  That's what I really need.  

But I'm not getting it today.

I need my cell phone, or a phone...something.  Trace has my cell phone and I really don't want to go searching for him so I can get it back.  I'd probably punch him at this point, and knowing he's probably with Kerri tells me that I can't do that.  I splash some cold water on my face, and make my way out into the office area again, sitting down at the first desk I see.  I pick up the phone, quickly dialing the familiar number, praying that she answers.  Just hearing her voice, I know, would pick me up enough to get through the rest of the afternoon.

Her cell phone goes directly to voicemail.  It's one of those that says ‘you have reached..." and the number.  No voice, no win.  I sigh and shake my head, rubbing the back of my neck nervously, before I decide to call the house.  It seems to ring forever, before I hear my own voice come on the voicemail, and I slam the phone down angrily.  No win.  No stress free afternoon. Fuck, of all the times for her to be out doing something, why did it have to be now?

No, wait.  It's not Melanie's fault that Trace is an asshole.

"Justin."

Her soft voice compels me to look up, and I sigh back at Tarin.  "Hey." I force a smile as she pulls up another computer chair so she can sit beside me.  "You can go back, I just needed a minute."

"You should know that you can't lie to me," she whispers, looking over her shoulder quickly to make sure we're alone.  "What's the matter?"

I shrug.  "I dunno, Tar.  I really don't know."

"Is it Kerri? Justin, I swear to god I had no idea you didn't know she worked here.  I would have told you but...I just assumed you knew because you agreed to come here...and fuck, god...I can't believe Trace would do this." She puts her face in her hands and groans into them for a minute.  "I'm really sorry," she says, when she finally picks herself back up again.  "I saw how scared she looked and I guess I should have known before..." she trails off and sighs.  "I mean, I don't know everything that happened with you guys.  I never thought to ask."

"It's not your place to know," I say, not meeting her gaze.  "Trace knows, that's all that matters, and I'll deal with him later."  I give her arm a gentle rub.  "Come on, lets just go get this over with, okay?"

"Just give him a chance to explain himself," she pleads with me.  "I mean, I'm fucking pissed off at him too, Justin.  But you need to give him a chance to talk to you before you just...go off on him."

"So you're going to do the same thing too, right Tarin?" I laugh at her, knowing the girl has always had a temper and I'm sure she'll do anything but give Trace a chance to explain himself after the interview.  "‘Cause I know you're so patient and understanding."

She leans in closer to me, and narrows her eyes.  "Fuck you, all right?" she whispers.  "I know this is shitty and I know that you and Kerri are...whatever it is that you are with each other, but Trace doesn't deserve to get blasted.  I know that's exactly what you're going to do too."

"I'm not gonna..." I begin, knowing I'm lying.

"Who are you kidding?" she interrupts me with a laugh.  "Justin, I'm not some fucking idiot.  Remember that whole year that we fucked? Yeah?  Well I got to know you then too, even though you probably thought I was just some dumb bimbo or whatever.  You have a temper, no patience whatsoever, and you're really quick to lose it on somebody without hearing them out first."

"God, Tarin," I huff.  "I have so much shit running through my head right now, and you're just adding to it.  I can't think straight, and we have an interview to finish, so can we save this for later on?

"Fine."  She grunts miserably and gets up from the chair.  "Don't listen to what I'm telling you.  But when you lose your best friend all over again, don't come crying to me."

I watch her storm away, knowing that she's right but hating that at the same time.  I should listen to Trace, find out exactly why he felt the need to go behind my back and organize this, knowing I'd lose it when I saw Kerri.  I want to think that he did it just because he secretly hates me.  That his whole purpose for becoming my friend again was to show the world how much of an asshole I really am.  But then again, I've known Trace my entire life, and everything he's done...has always been for a reason.

But what the fuck would be his reasoning behind this shit?

I force myself up out of the chair, my smile and carefree demeanor coming back to me as I reenter the booth.  Tarin smiles and laughs with the rest of us like everything is just great, and I hate that she's so good at faking her mood.  I always said she'd be a great actress.  I play along with her, figuring I can show her just how professional I can be so she'll stop thinking I'm some big hot headed asshole.

I know things are never going to be the same between me and her after today.

The next part of q & a is mostly a blur.  I can't remember what I'm asked, or what I answer.  All I know is that I'm getting people to laugh, and smile, so I guess I'm doing a pretty good job.  Sonia and David seem pleased, and I guess that should be enough to make me stop worrying about pr and my image, but part of me doesn't want to, because if I stop worrying about that, I'll have time to worry about the reality of today.  That Kerri is here, and how I can't fucking handle it.

JoJo and Tarin say their goodbyes over the airwaves, and I reassure the listeners that I'll be back in a couple of hours to do that afternoon request line.  The ‘on the air' letters go dark once again, and I throw off the headphones, knowing I'm free until at least one o'clock.  

"Come upstairs," David says, catching up with me quickly on the way to the elevators.  "There's some people I want you to meet."

I don't fucking want to.  All I want to do right now is find Trace and find out exactly what was running through his head when he decided to do this.  "I was just going to take a small break, David.  I can meet them after, right?"

He shrugs.  "I don't know, Justin.  They've been waiting a while for this."

Executives.  I sigh, and look around for Eric, spotting him a few feet behind me, talking to the fans that had been sitting inside the studio.  "I'll be up in a little bit," I reassure him, giving him a pat on the shoulder.  

He frowns a little, but not enough to cause any alarms to go off inside of me.  "Well, that's fine.  Just don't be too long, okay?"

"Sure," I nod, watching him turn around.  I don't know why I do it, because I know that I don't need to include him in this situation and I'm sure Trace would hate it too. But I don't care what Trace thinks at this point.  I'm too angry with him.  "Hey, David..."  I trail off and catch up with him on his way to the elevator.  

"Yeah?" He chuckles.

"How um, how long has Kerri worked here?"

He smirks.  "Not too long. What makes you ask?"

I shrug.  "I just...I was just curious."

"She's a fiesty one," he snickers as the elevator doors open.  "Does her own thing you know?  Gets her in trouble.  Good thing she has a couple of decent friends though, right?"

I have no idea what the hell he's talking about, but I nod anyway, just so he won't ask me any questions.  "See you in a little," I tell him as he steps into the elevator.  He doesn't say anything to me as the doors close, and I'm left with the feeling that something very screwed up is going on, and that it involves David.  

I start to head towards the bathroom, hoping I can go inside of it and barricade myself in a stall for awhile so I can clear my head.  But Sonia stops me before I can go anywhere, telling me I need to take a phone call from Johnny, then Barry Weiss.  I groan openly at her, but she tells me to cut the crap and grow up, like she always does.  I wish I could tell her what's going on inside of me right now.  How I'm confused as fuck, scared that Kerri is going to pop back in here unexpectedly, and that I have no idea where Trace is.  But I can't.  This is business, and I have to comply, or else I can kiss my career goodbye.

It takes a good hour, but I finally manage to get them both on and off the phone, leaving them reassured and satisfied that I'm going to make them both a bunch of money.  I'm disgusted about the fact that they can both be so selfish sometimes, but I put it out of my head as I head towards the elevators.  I have more important things to worry about, like resolving this whole situation before I go fucking crazy.  I let Eric know I'm going upstairs to meet David, and that he can wait for me down here.  He agrees, but doesn't seem pleased with my decision to go off on my own.  I know I have to though.  I don't want him to see me flip out first hand if I happen to bump into Trace, and I know that's what's going to happen.  No matter what Tarin says to me about "listening" I just know I won't be able to do it.  This isn't some petty subject, this is about Kerri, and Trace knows how sensitive I am about her.  

He never should have done this.  

The elevator opens and I make my way out into the empty hallway, following the signs that point to the executive offices.  It's nice up here, serene and plush, a world away from the busy office downstairs.  It's meant to be tranquil of course.  A place David can go to get away from the chaos of his day.  I could use a place like this.  I mean, my house is nice and everything, but I haven't really designated an area for solitude.  

Or maybe Melanie is just my solitude.

I'm about to turn the corner, but slink back when I hear a harsh voice rip through the silence of the hallway.  I listen hard, and I can hear a light sniffling sound, like somebody is crying.

"I'm sorry."

I'd know her voice anywhere, and I peer around the corner silently, finding that I'm correct about who the voice belongs to when I see the two of them standing there. Kerri's standing rigidly, her back pressed into the wall as David stands before her, looking mean as hell.  

"What did I tell you?" He snaps, shaking his coffee cup in her face.

She looks at the floor.  "I told them black, two sugars, David."

"Well it doesn't' fucking taste like black with two sugars.  It tastes like they poured the whole canister of sugar into the cup!"  He hurls the coffee at her and she screams a little and ducks as it collides with the wall and explodes all over the hall way.  "Stupid fuckin bitch.  You're lucky Trace is sticking his neck out for you, or you'd be out on your ass.  Now go limp your way back to Starbucks and get my coffee order right this time."

"O-okay." She sniffles, picking herself back up from her crouched position.  "Okay."

"Okay..." He mimics her in a tiny voice.  "Get the fuck out of here!"

I step out of the side hall now, and make my presence known.  David turns just in time to see me, while Kerri stands there in the background, frozen, having seen me the second I stepped out into her line of vision.  

"What's going on David?"  I flash him a sarcastic smile and cross my arms, trying the best I can to remain calm.  I mean fuck, it's Kerri.  Kerri works here...doing god knows what for this mother fucker.  I could literally kill him right now for what he just did.  I know I could.  But so much stuff is running through my head right now, that I can't really move at the moment.

"Hey-ey, Justin."  David laughs nervously, and I can tell that he knows he's completely fucked.  "Just um...you know, explaining things to her."

"Ha."  I look down at the floor for a minute before I find the strength in me to move again, and when I do, I grab him and slam him up against the coffee splattered wall.  "What exactly were you explaining, Dave?"

"I...I...um..."  He stutters and his eyes widen with fear as each second passes.  "Justin, you know...it's all right.  I'm really sorry.  I am.  Kerri, you know I'm sorry right?  We're cool. Tell him."

I look over at her, and for the first time since that horrible fucking night, I can see that girl...the one I used to know so long ago, staring back at me.  Naturally she's shaken. Partially because of what David just did but probably more so because I'm here, defending her.  I can't lie, the whole situation is freaking me the hell out, but for some reason I can't run away.  I can't just stand by and watch somebody like him treat her like a piece of garbage.  She's too good for it, for any of this.

She's too good for me.

"Kerri! Tell him!"

I smirk a little bit.  "Yeah, Ker.  Tell me."

"He's a womanizing son of a bitch." She whispers, seeming to find the strength inside of her to remain composed for me.  "He demoted me because I wouldn't sleep with him.  You can go and ask Tarin.  She'll tell you all about it.  He did it to her too, for years."

David laughs.  "Come on.  You're gonna believe her? She's just bitter that's all."

I stare him down, a pained expression on my face.  I shove him harder into the wall and he groans again.  "You touched her?"

"N-no.  No I didn't!"

I shake my head.  I know it's not worth it to stand here and kick his ass.  It would be so much more fun just to watch him grovel at my feet, and so I let go and shove him down to the floor.  "I don't believe you."

He looks up at me.  "I just lost my temper," he whimpers.

"When I'm done with you," I smile.  "You're going to be getting coffee for the janitors.  Now get the fuck out of here, before I bring this shit downstairs in front of your entire staff."

He gets up and runs off down the hall, the chicken shit that he is.  I laugh a little bit as I see him haul ass into an office and slam the door behind him.  I can't wait to get back and make a few phone calls.  It'll be fun to see how low I can get him on the chain here.  I'm having so much fun thinking about it in fact, that I've nearly forgotten about Kerri.  That we're here by ourselves, facing each other for the first time since I did the unspeakable.  I turn to her, not really knowing what to say.  I don't think she knows either.

"You okay?" I finally ask her.

She nods.  "I am."

"He touched you?"

She shrugs.  "It's nothing worse than what I've been through, Justin."  She places a hand to her forehead, and I can see her face start to turn red.  "I have to go though."

She begins to walk forward, and for the first time I notice the limp that David had been referring to before.  It's awkward.  Her left leg sort of veers off in the wrong direction before she can straighten it out as she walks.  I start to get choked up, it's hard to breathe again.  "K-Ker," I get out, barely loud enough for her to hear because she's a good distance down the hall way now.

She pauses and looks back over her shoulder.  Naturally the tears are streaming down her face, and really...I have no idea why the hell she's giving me the time of day right now.  "Yeah?"

I look at the floor and shake my head.  "I dont even know."

"I'm doing okay," she says softly.  "I'll be okay."

I look straight into her eyes and search them for the sign of forgiveness I so desperately want from her, but I can't tell if it's there or not.  "Can you forgive me, Kerrigan?"

She sobs a little bit and wipes at her eyes.  "I don't know."

I nod and suck in my bottom lip to prevent myself from bursting into tears.  "If you need anything..."

"I'm doing okay," she repeats again.  I think it's one of the only things she can say to me right now.  "Just go, Justin.  Go back downstairs and find Trace and Tarin.  They'll be wondering what's going on otherwise."

I can't do it.  I can't put up with this and watch her walk away knowing I'm the cause of the way she has to fucking limp around.  I feel like curling into a ball and dying, but I can't do that either.  I'm so fucking confused, and so...I do the only thing that my body will allow me to at this point.  The sobs come quickly and I cover my face with my hands.  My back hits the wall after a moment, and I slide down to the floor, just crying because...because I fucking did that to her.

How the fuck can I live with myself?

Warmness envelopes me and I recognize the smell of her cherry perfume almost automatically.  Her arms go around my neck and I can hear her whispering to me to please stop crying because she can't handle it.  I grab onto her, cling to her for the support I need.  I shouldn't be doing this.  I don't deserve sympathy from Kerri, but for some fucking reason she's giving it to me.  "You should go," I sob into her.  "I'm not worth it, Ker.  I'm not fucking worth it."

"Do you still love me?"

I snap to attention in seconds and pull away from her so I can look up at her.  "What?"

"Do you?" Her eyes search mine desperately for an answer to her question, they're big and wide, the blue irises bright and full of wonder, all because I'm sitting here in front of her after all this time.

"I..." I'm so confused that I nod my head and blurt out the words before I can rethink them.  "Kerri...I....I mean, of course.  I'll always love you."  I hang my head low and rub at my eyes, completely ashamed at myself for being such a douche bag and fucking her up so bad.

I'm an idiot.  I love her? What am I, fucking insane?  I don't love her.  I can't love her.  I just want her to forgive me, but that's not coming very easily, and I guess I'll just say anything to get her to believe in me again.

"Listen to me," she says harshly, placing her hands on my face and forcing me to look at her again.  "You're going to stop crying, get yourself together and go back downstairs like nothing happened.  Do you understand me?"

I shake my head.  "I can't..."

"You have to," she nods.  "You have to do it for me, Justin.  For your reputation.  Nobody can know about this."

"O-okay." I nod furiously.  "Okay I'll do it."

"Good." She stands up and wipes her eyes good and hard, making sure I get to my feet too.  "Go, Justin."

"But.."

"Damn it! Go! Get out of here!"

She screams it at me and I know she really needs me to leave because my presence here is driving her absolutely crazy.  With a final look, I turn and walk off down the hallway.  When I get to the elevators I turn back around, but she's vanished from sight.  Was that it?  Is she out of my life yet?  Or is this simply the beginning?

I have no fucking idea, but that certainly wasn't the closure I need to forget all about her.

That means I'm still stuck worrying about it.

But I know I can't stay up here and linger on everything that just happened.  People are expecting me to go back downstairs, put on a show for them.  Shit, I wonder if David is going to come down too? It'll be interesting to see how he reacts to all of this, if he completely loses his composure, or if he's like me and can put on a big front for everyone.

Something tells me though, David didn't get to where he is today by letting everything get to him.

I take the elevator back downstairs, where a bunch of men in suits, Tarin, Sonia, and Eric are standing around, seemingly waiting for me.  David is no where to be found, so I assume he's still "recuperating" in his office.  My eyes scan the room for Trace, and when I don't see him either, I start to wonder what the hell he's doing.  Why should he hide? It doesn't make any sense.  "Where's Trace? I ask Tarin quickly, feeling bad about ignoring the executives standing before me, but not feeling like I have much of a choice either.

"I don't know," she tells me.  "Justin, this is Mr. Jensen and some of his associates.  They run the Clear Channel offices here in Los  Angeles, and they'd like to spend their lunch with you."

My professionalism takes over immediately, and I smile and shake each of their hands.  Within a few minutes I'm swept up into another business conversation with them, not being able to dwell on Trace's whereabouts or what just happened with Kerri. Tarin stays behind, and the rest of us are led out a back entrance by Eric soon after.  We're brought to some fancy restaurant, where the only thing I'm able to focus on is Mr. Jensen's stupid jokes, and how realistic I can make my laughter sound.  Sonia is seated beside me, taking notes almost like a warden, and I know that I have to stay on my game.  Now more than ever, I wish I had my fucking cell phone so I could text Trace and find out where he's been hiding.  

I'm never more thankful to be back inside the radio station.  That had to be the longest fucking lunch ever, and what makes matters worse is, the guy wants to meet up again in a couple of weeks to discuss the single and other things he'd like me to do for Clear Channel.  He has ties to Barry, and I know that's the only reason why he thinks he can push me a little.  But fuck, I just don't have the mental capacity for all of this.  It's supposed to be one thing at a time, but instead I'm dealing with five things at a time.  It's not fair to me at all...but then again, I know I deserved to be stressed out, and uncomfortable as hell.  Kerri's been going through much worse, and I seem to be forgetting that all too quickly.

I discover Trace and Tarin sitting at a desk together once I reach the main floor again.  I stand a little bit off to the side, not really wanting anything to do with either of them at the moment.  I can already tell that Tarin isn't as livid with him as she was earlier.  They're conversing quietly, and she's rubbing his shoulder a little, seemingly to console him.  I want to yell at her that he doesn't deserve to be consoled, because he completely betrayed me today.  But I know she wouldn't listen to me.  She'd only glare, and ramble off some obscenities at me to make me feel stupid, so I'll just keep my mouth shut for now.

Trace ignores me the rest of the time I'm standing there, but I expect that.  He's taking the pussy's way out of the situation, and I know that when we're alone, back at my house, the conversation is going to be anything but pretty.  But that's something he'll have to deal with for being a fucking idiot.  Before I know it, it's time to get back in the booth for one more hour of grueling fan confrontation, and fake smiles.  This time I'm only doing it with JoJo, though, and I'm thankful.  I don't think I could have made it through the hour with Tarin giving me dirty looks during every pause and commercial break.  David peeks his head in during the last five minutes, shaking JoJo's hand and congratulating him on a job well done.  It takes every ounce of strength inside of me not to glare at him, or shoot off some snide remark when he shakes my hand.  It's better to keep those who are uninformed out of the loop, and I know that.  David knows that too, that's why he's smiling, thanking me again profusely for coming down.  Then he leans in really close as JoJo turns his back to us, and I feel a sinking feeling form in the pit of my stomach when he whispers in my ear.

"You make one call about this, and she'll never work again.  That's a promise."

He pats my back as if he was really giving me a hug, smiling as he pulls away.  I just stare at him, dumbfounded.  Who the hell does he think he is?  Yeah, he may run this place, but hell...I have a lot more power and influence over his bosses than he ever will.  "I don't know who you think you are," I whisper, keeping the smile plastered across my face as I shake his hand again.  "But you better just stay the hell away from her, David."

He snickers a little as he pulls his hand away, shaking his head as he head for the door. "Great to see you, Justin."  He flashes me one more fake smile, before walking out on me.

I feel the rage building up inside of me, and I want to throw something or punch a wall, but I can't.  I just...fuck, despite the fact that I had no say in how Kerri got her position here, I know that if things didn't go down the way they did between us, she wouldn't have had to work here.  She'd still be with me, and I'd be taking care of her.  Not that it would be the best thing for either of us.  We'd probably both be miserable now that I think about it, and I never would have met Melanie.  But at least she'd be safe.  At least that manipulative asshole wouldn't have fucked around with her like he has been.

I need to get her out of here.  

And that, I realize, could be the key to finding the closure I seek.

It takes a little while longer before we can leave.  Trace is too busy having a conversation with JoJo to care that I'm tired, stressed the fuck out, and want to leave.  It's only when Eric notices my mood, that he says something to him, and within five minutes we're heading towards the elevator.  Trace kisses Tarin goodbye, reassuring her that he'll call her later.

I'm sure he'll have a lot to tell her too.

I make sure to shake JoJo's hand one last time before I get on the elevator, but I barely say goodbye to Tarin.  I'm too confused to face her right now.  I need to wait until after my head clears, and I rip Trace apart, until I can have a normal conversation with her again.  She has no reason to be mad at me though.  I just sealed the deal for her career and she should be thanking me...not sticking her nose into things that have never concerned her.

I turn and face the window once we get into the car, so I don't have to look at him.  I hear the keys on his phone clicking away, and I know he's texting someone.  Probably Tarin, or Kerri, and that really annoys me.  I wish he could save it for later when I'm not around, because talking about me when I'm sitting right here is a big turn off.  "Do you have to do that," I grunt at him once Eric pulls the Suburban away from the curb.  "That clicking is annoying the fuck out of me."

He just laughs.  "Get over yourself already."

I feel my mood darken even more, but I don't say anything.  I can't do it in front of Sonia because she just won't understand, and I know Eric is probably too tired to sit through an argument between Trace and I.  "Gimme my phone," I snap.

It hits me in the side.

I grab it and shove it in my pocket, once I see that I have no new messages.  It means Melanie hasn't tried to return my phone calls, and I just don't get it.  Does she know something?  Did Trace text her and tell her what a horrible person I am? That I beat up Kerri?  I snap to attention and look back at him over my shoulder.  He's still texting away, the stupid bastard, and I scowl at him.

"Can I help you?" He asks me, once he notices me staring at him.

"Who are you talking to?"

He gives me a stupid look.  "What do you care?"

I let out an annoyed sigh and turn back towards the window again.  I know he wouldn't tell me, even if I had responded to him just now. He's being a fucking asshole, and after today I really don't care if he just decides to stay the hell away from me.  We're pulling through my gate soon enough, and I feel like the entire day hasn't even happened.  I feel like I was just here, went to run some pointless errand, and I'm getting back now.  I wish that were the case.  I wish today didn't happen, or that Kerri would have been sick or something.  I just wasn't prepared to see her, and I wasn't prepared to be so angry at my best friend when we've just gotten back on track.

I just can't fucking win, and I throw my door open angrily so I can get out of the car, and as far away from Trace as possible.

"See you guys later," Eric says.

"Yeah, bye." I say it quickly as I slam the car door shut behind me.

"See you later, Justin?" I hear Sonia call after me.

I whirl around quickly, remembering myself again.   She's standing there, her arms crossed, smiling like she knows I'm not in the best mood.  Just a few more minutes...and then you can act the way you want to...  "Yeah, Sonia," I chuckle, pausing on the first of the steps leading up to my front door.  "Thanks for everything.  We can meet up next week or something."

She nods.  "Trace, make sure Justin gets some rest tonight," she smiles at him as he gets out of the car himself.  "Okay?"

"Oh...yeah."  He forces a playful look for her. "Will do."

Seemingly satisfied, she gives us one more wave goodbye and gets back into the Suburban.  They drive off, the large iron gate clanging closed behind them as they disappear from view.  Fuck.  Finally...peace.

But Trace is still standing here.

"What?" I snap at him, when he won't stop staring at me.  "Just get out of here."

"You know, pushing me away isn't going to solve the issue," he informs me.  "If anybody should know that, it's me."

He has this smirk on his face like me running into Kerri today isn't as big of a deal as I think it is.  But fuck, he has no idea.  He couldn't possibly know what I did to her, otherwise he wouldn't be smiling like that.  "You're an asshole for doing what you did," I snap at him.  "You knew she was there the whole fucking time, and you couldn't even tell me!  You made me sign that contract, Trace...fucking, forced me to do it!  Why, huh? Are you that fucking selfish?"

He shakes his head and steps closer to me.  "No," he says, his smirk vanishing from site.  "Unlike you, I was trying to help her with something.  See, I don't just turn my back on Kerri.  Yeah, she can be annoying as fuck, but I've always been her friend.  She's not just an afterthought to me, Justin."

I glare at him coldly.  "I don't consider her an afterthought," I say darkly.  

He laughs bitterly.  "Bull fucking shit."

I don't get it.  I rub my hand over my face, hoping like hell that he'll simply walk away, but he never does.  His feet are planted firmly on the ground, and he looks at me as if to say he's not going anywhere.  "What do you want from me, Trace?  You proved your point okay?  I fucked her up, and now she can't even look at me.  But you know what? You're supposed to be my best friend, and I just don't understand...."

"You were supposed to be her best friend!" He yells over me, his anger seeming to grow rapidly by the second.  "And what did you do to her Justin?"

I shove my hands in my pockets, the nausea taking over me automatically.  "I meant to go see her after the accident..."

"But you couldn't could you?"

His face is right in front of mine now, and he looks enraged, like he wants to throw me off of a cliff.  Something inside of me is begging me to think, to accept something I desperately don't want to.  I try to shake it off.  "I just..."

He grips me by the shoulders and shoves me back in anger.  "You fucking..." He trails off, sucking in a long breath.  He's on the brink of tears.  

I can't deny it anymore.  He knows.  That's the only explanation I can come up with for all of this.  He knows what I did.  I don't know how long it's been, but I do know...that he can't stand the sight of me anymore.  He's been trying.  I know he has.  But right now it's hitting him entirely too hard, and I...I just don't know what to do.  "I know."  I hang my head low.

"How could you do that to her?" He whispers.

I still don't look at him.  "I dunno."

"Fuck you, tellin' me you don't fuckin' know," he snaps.  "Before she told me, you know...I thought you'd changed, and I really wanted to be your friend again because I missed you.  I've been having a great time hanging out with you and getting to know Mel too.  I mean, it's great.  She's great, and I thought you were happy, that you were my best friend again, instead of some strange messed version of him.  But now...I know you're nothing more than a self absorbed, selfish, son of a bitch.  That girl gave you a piece of herself, and all you could do was use her to make yourself feel better.  Do you even know..." He pauses and shakes his head roughly.  "She'll never be Kerri again, Justin, never again. And you didn't even have the decency to say something...to tell somebody what happened, and that left us with no clue at all as to why she's been this fucked up since you ditched her."

I feel a few tears creep out of my eyes and glide down my face, and I quickly look down at the pavement, praying he'll just give the whole thing a rest...walk away, blow off his steam someplace else.  But I'm smarter than that, and I know how Trace is when he's angry.  He wants to confront the situation head on, and right now I know he's exactly where he wants to be.  

"You know, at least with Shane I went there, I grew some balls and told you the truth, and you still hated me despite that," he continues.  "Now I find out that you did this shit, and I don't know....I want to hate you, I want to tell you that I wish you were dead, just like you told me.  But I just don't have it in me.  So you tell me who's more fucked up, because I don't have a fucking clue."

I stare at him for a long time, trying to find the words, and ultimately determining that I have none.  There's no excuse for what I did, and there's no point in crucifying myself in front of him either.   He won't care either way, because he already hates what I did, and I'm starting to think that he hates me even more.  I wipe my face clear of the tears that have dripped onto it, and sniffle a little, before managing to look at him again.  "
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret what I did," I say, hardly above a whisper.  "I know you can't begin to understand what happened, or why, and I'm still not sure if I do either.  I've been trying to find a way to ask you how I can find out where she is.  I'd give anything to be able to apologize, you know?" I chuckle sadly.  "I still love her."

"Don't," he sneers.  "Dont fucking say that."

"All right." I say, my shoulders sagging in defeat because I know that I'm not going to get anywhere with him.  "If you're going to hate me, that's what you're gonna do," I say softly.  "I can't stop you."

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty," he snaps.  "Don't try to stand there and act like you should be recused of what happened because you're suddenly "cured" by your miracle pussy.  I love Melanie and everything, but she has no fucking clue what you're really like."

It sets off a fire in me that I never would have expected, and I step up to him and give him a hard shove, just like he did to me.  What I did aside, he shouldn't be bringing Melanie into this.  She has no part in it, and fuck, she's supposed to be his friend too and he's talking her down like she's some slut I'm sleeping with.  "Don't fucking talk to me that way."

He shoves me back, the defiant gleam in his eyes getting more intense by the second.  "What're you gonna do, Justin?"  He shoves me again.  "Huh?"

I shake my head, the rage I've been fighting away not being able to be contained anymore.  I ball my fists at my sides for a moment before I lunge at him and knock him to the ground.  I'm on top of him now, pressing his face into the pavement, knowing I've always had the advantage over him when it comes to strength.  "Just shut up!" I yell at him.  "You don't know anything!"

He pops me in the face, taking me by surprise and I'm forced to roll off of him, only catching a small glimpse of him pushing himself to his feet, before his foot flies into my gut a moment later.  I hold my stomach, and my eyes close...it's so dark and I feel myself shuddering, the memories taking me over so quickly that I can barely catch my breath...

"You don't fuck with me!" Shane screams at me, and I can't even look at him because I'm in such intense pain.  I fall on my side, my hands still cuffed behind me, moaning in pain.  I can hear Kerri gasping, she's frightened, and I wish I didn't have to look this weak in front of her right now.  "I told you that before." I feel his hand clamp onto my upper arm, and he hauls me to my feet.  But I can barely stand. The wind has literally been knocked out of me, and I fall to my knees, gasping for precious air.

"Get up," Shane spits out. "You piece of shit."

"Get up."

My eyes open and the memory is gone.  Trace is looming over me now, his arms crossed, not seeming to care that he just knocked the wind out of me.  

"I said, get up."  

He yanks me up by the arm, and pushes me back from him once he's confident I'm able to stand again.  I clutch my stomach, and glare at him.  I feel a throbbing pain on my forehead, and I know that's where he ended up hitting me before.  I hold my hand to where it hurts, and when I pull it away I see the blood there.  I stare at him, out of breath, and he stares back at me, fighting for a breath as well.

"Are you done?" I rasp.

"I guess you're not so tough, now," he nods.  "But then again, I'm not as defenseless as Kerri was, right?

I know I could beat his ass, he just got lucky.  I should.  I should lunge at him again and knock him to the ground, kick him in the balls so many times that he'll never be able to reproduce.  But will it be worth it?  Am I ready to give Trace up for good?  As fucked up as it is, I know that I'm not.  Despite the fact that he's so livid with me, and I'm so livid with him, I know that I still need him, and even though he'd never admit it to me right now...he still needs me too. I turn towards the door now, not giving him a second look as I unlock it and start to step inside.

"That's what I thought," he calls after me.  "Run inside, Justin.  Run away from what you did, you know, because you're the only one that got hurt."

I hear the door close behind me and I know I'm rid of him.  The house is dark.  I know Melanie isn't home yet, and I guess that's good.  If she saw us fighting like that, I don't know what she would have done, but she definitely wouldn't have understood...and then I would have had to explain, or Trace would have just blurted it all out.  Then everything would have been ruined.  Hell, maybe fate is watching out for me a little bit today after all.

But, I still wish she were here, holding me and telling me that everything is going to be okay.  I find my way to the couch in the darkness, and sit down on it, taking in the day, trying to figure out how everything went to shit to so fast.  I keep seeing Kerri's face.  The shock and the fear written all over it upon seeing me.  I try to remember a time where the only thing she'd do is smile when she would see me after a long time apart.  But those memories are long gone, having been replaced with every look she ever gave me from the time we were kidnapped, up to now.  Sure, we had a few good times in between, but the bad far outweighs the good unfortunately and I can't even remember the last time I made her laugh.

The sobs rack my body for a long time.  I curl up against the couch, holding my knees close to my chest, the only thing interrupting my thoughts being the sound of Trace's car peeling out of my driveway.  It's better that he's gone . It's better that we just blow off steam for a few days before we even attempt to speak to each other again.  Fuck, I don't want to admit this to myself either, but there's a very good possibility that history is about to repeat it self.  That he'll cut me off and I'll be lost again...

But no, no I won't lose myself again.  I refuse to do it.

Because there's one person that has worked tirelessly, trying to make me better.  Going back on it all now because of this, would destroy her.  And I love her too much to let her down.  She's a constant in my life, outside of all the press, tabloids, radio station execs, and whatever else.  She doesn't press me about work, she doesn't ask me about stupid people that are no longer a part of my life.  She's just here, she cares, and I love her.

I hope she loves me too.

I dig my phone out of my pocket and pull up her number once more, hoping like hell that she'll answer so I can tell her how badly I need her to come home.  It rings twice, and I start to frown, thinking I'm going to get a voicemail again.

I just can't win today.