I’ve never been one to buy into the gimmicks that pop culture has offered America’s youth.  In fact, when I was in college, I used to think they’d scraped the bottom of the barrel to throw together those boy bands and teen pop princesses.  It just didn’t make sense to me, the way girls would drool over that type of stuff.  In my opinion, there wasn’t any artistry there.  I was much happier going to see Beck or Ben Folds Five in concert with the girls in my dorm that shared the same opinions as me.  The music had meaning.  The words ‘girl’ and ‘always be mine’ were non existent in the lyrics.

But now I feel like someone up there is laughing at me, because I couldn’t have turned the radio up louder in the car today when Justin was on the air, or during the breaks where his music was all that they could seem to play.

It’s actually...a pretty good album.

All right, it’s a great album.

He sounded fresh and alive on the radio, as if he’d been given a second chance at life.  Of course, the people listening probably hadn’t noticed, but then again they hadn’t seen or heard him at his lowest point.  That situation belonged to his friends, and I was a little thankful to be viewing everything from both sides.  It showed me how far he’d come from the time I first met him, up until the present.  While some of his enthusiasm may have been forced for the sake of his image, I was sure a lot of it was genuine.  I knew he was somewhat happy to be there, and a lot more comfortable because Tarin was the one asking the questions.  I’d been grinning like an idiot actually, once the crack about the platform shoes had been thrown out there.  I’d texted Trace soon after Justin left the house, telling him the joke Justin and I shared over breakfast that morning about his Disco Inferno song, and I guess he relayed the message to Tarin.  

Justin’s tone filled with delight when she’d brought the subject up.

And that made me smile wider than I have in a really long time.

But of course, what’s a little happiness without some uncertainty added into the mix?  My smile quickly faded once I heard Tarin start to talk about rumors of an upcoming tour, something that Justin had neglected to mention to me at all.  It stung a little.  I thought we were at the point where we could tell each other pretty much anything, minus the details of our dark pasts.  A tour was a big thing.  He’d be going to Europe, supposedly.  That was an entire ocean away, and I didn’t know how we’d be able to maintain our relationship if he was that far away.

I could already hear him asking me to come with him.

But I know I can’t do that.

It would be too much pressure on me, being able to keep up with him on a busy tour.  Hell, I haven’t traveled anywhere other than to California since the rape happened, and that was only because I had to move into Susan’s.  I’m pretty sure I’d still be in Michigan otherwise, alone and afraid of the world, with no one other than my aging grandmother to keep me company.  If I was suddenly whisked away to Europe, I doubt I’d be able to kick back and have fun like Justin would expect me to.  There would be too much for me to be afraid of, and too much for me to live up to.  There was no doubt in my mind that he’d be traveling with his friends.  After speaking with Justin about the phone conversation I shared with Jason and Marty, I learned that they actually work for him.  Jason being his personal trainer, and Marty being his dance choreographer.  Apparently before all the chaos that took over Justin’s entire life, they’d been a really tight knit group of friends.

If I went on tour with them, I really have no idea if I’d be able to fit in.

Next weekend will be the test.  We’re having a basketball party at the house, and I’m actually kind of excited about it.  Now that Tarin and I are friends, I know I won’t be completely alone.  She’s so outgoing, that I’m sure she won’t have a problem introducing me into the group, and I’ll melt into the party quite easily.  Funny, it’s the first party I’m going to attend since the rape happened.

And for the first time, I’m not afraid.

I’m getting closer to opening up to Justin about everything.  I can feel it inside of me, every time I see him smile because of something I said or did, and every time his lips touch mine.  I don’t fear it so much lately, I think it overwhelms me more than anything else.  But I can see myself breaking down and telling him that I was raped, and that’s saying a lot.  It means I’m breaking through the final stage of my rehabilitation.  I should probably call Susan and tell her, but at the same time...I almost don’t feel the need to.  I can handle myself just fine now, and she’s more of a friend than a therapist to me these days.  If I need advice, hell, I’ve been asking Tarin for it.  It’s weird because she and I are the complete opposite, but at the same time we understand each other, and I know she completely trusts me.

Trust.  It’s the only quality I find appealing in a friend anymore.

I would have rather been home relaxing on the couch while listening to Justin on the radio, but it had been Brennan’s day to get her stitches out so I had to multi task.  She whimpered in my arms as I listened to the radio, a smile on my face, probably because she didn’t understand why we were sitting in the car for so long.  I realized the dogs didn’t take many car trips, and she was a little freaked out by being on one with me since her “daddy” wasn’t there to comfort her.  I made a mental note to talk to Justin about the obedience training as soon as possible.  He’d been really hesitant about me calling the place.  He kept saying ‘they’re not ready’ and ‘I still don’t trust Buckley around other people”.  It was all bullshit of course.  He was like a pathetic father, fearing his children’s first day of kindergarten or something.  I think he felt like he’d be losing part of the puppies if their behavior was turned over to a professional.  I guess I should have understood though, because they’d been with him through thick and thin since his mother had  walked through the door with them that day.  One thing I’d learned since Lynn hired me was that Justin despised any big changes in his life.  If he could have, I know he would have trained the puppies himself.

But things had happened in his life, and he simply didn’t have the stamina for anything other than teaching them to sit, roll over, and play dead.

The first part of the interview ended, and it was the only thing that forced me to get out of the car to bring Brennan inside.  The vet was happy to see her, telling me that her leg was making great progress, thanks to our careful supervision.  More like my careful supervision, but I wouldn’t have bashed Justin.  The only thing I’d been able to remember was him cradling Brennan in his arms and calling her princess that morning before he left.  It made me stupidly happy, and I had to make sure to hide my pathetic smile from the vet so she wouldn’t think I’d gone insane.  

She told me it would take a couple of hours to get Brennan all set, because she had other animals to tend to, and asked if I could come back later that afternoon to pick her up.  Of course I didn’t have a problem with that.  I had a few errands of my own to run, and...I guess I really wanted to hear the rest of Justin’s radio thing too.  I made it to the post office, and the pharmacy before Justin’s next segment started.  I sat in the car with a smile on my face as I sipped the coffee I’d gotten for myself, but my mood quickly changed when I heard his voice burst over the airwaves again.

Something had changed.  Granted, nobody else would have been able to notice this change besides me, but...I could tell something was wrong.  There was an uncertainty in his voice that told me something had happened during his break, and it scared me.  It was a big day, and I’d wanted it to be as quick and simple for him as possible.  A million thoughts ran through my head, as I wondered what could have possibly been said to him.  Had somebody asked about his kidnapping?  Did somebody important put him down, or push him about doing more events that he wasn’t capable of?  I quickly pulled out my cellphone, groaning when I realized I turned it off so I would be able to listen to the radio interview in peace.  I had no voicemail's though, so I began to reassure myself that Justin was simply tired, that the interview was wearing him down a little.  I decided to leave him a little voicemail in the meantime, just so he could know I was thinking about him, figuring it might bring his upbeat mood back to life.

The phone hadn’t completed it’s second ring before somebody answered, who I quickly realized was Trace.  “Mel,” he said, his voice serious and dark.  “What do you need?”

I didn’t understand where his attitude was coming from.  Usually when I would talk to Trace either in person or over the phone, he was playful and happy to hear from me.  The only time I’d seen a mean streak in him other than our first encounter, had been that night he asked Justin to sign the radio contracts, but I’d convinced myself he’d simply been trying to make things better for Justin.  This time, I didn’t know what to think.  I hadn’t even talked to Trace at all during the morning except through a single text message, and he was acting like he hated me.  “What do I need?” I scoffed.  “What’s up with you, Trace?”

“Nothing,” he grunted.  “I’m working, so what do you need?”

I sucked in a breath, and I knew he wanted me to hang up, but I wasn’t about to.  I didn’t have a clue what had gotten into him.  After all, he’d been the one to come to me with Tarin’s pregnancy problem.  I thought we were close, starting to become best friends, but I figured I was wrong.  Maybe Trace had simply been fake with me so Justin would trust him.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought I did.  “I’m just trying to find out if everything is okay,” I spoke up softly.  “Justin sounds a little bit out of it right now, and I was concerned.”

“He’s fine, Mel,” he said, his voice full of annoyance.  “You need to stop mothering him.  It’s really busy here right now, and I don’t have time to sit here and console you.  Justin’s a big boy and you have to learn that you can’t keep calling him over and over when he’s on business.”

My jaw dropped open in utter shock.  Since our little chat at the guest house, I never thought Trace would have talked to me that way.  I was freaked out, felt like I wasn’t even talking to the guy I knew, but some really arrogant executive instead.  “Uh yeah...I was just going to leave him a voicemail, I didn’t expect to get him on the phone,” I said, bitterly.  “What the hell is wrong with you? You know I’m not that petty Trace, so get the stick out of your ass.  In fact, now that I think about it, you’re probably at fault for the change in his mood anyway.”

I heard a soft whispering in the background that sounded like “Trace, just hang up”. I was so angry then, that I almost wanted to ask who he was with, since the voice was feminine and I knew it couldn’t be Tarin’s since she was on the air.  I don’t know though, I’ve never really been an instigator or a confronter like that.  It was more than likely a friend of his, and it wasn’t really my place to ask questions.  The only thing that was my business was his attitude towards me.

“Whatever, Mel,” he grunted after awhile.  “I gotta go.”

“Trace...”r32;
The line went dead before I could I could finish, and I’d never been more livid with anyone in my entire life.  It’s not going to be a good time when I see him again, because I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll tell him exactly what I think of him.  It’s going to be hard not telling Justin about all of this.  I probably should.  He should know how shitty his friend can be to other people at times, but I don’t want to bring Justin down anymore.  He’s under enough pressure without me adding to it, and all I want is for him to be happy.

All I want, is to pull him towards me like I did this morning, and kiss him like he means the world to me.

I freaked this morning too, I know I did.  He just...said that we were together, but that nobody had to know yet, and it did something to me.  I mean, I never heard him put it like that before.  That “his people” didn’t know about us yet.  Justin has “people”, and I think that thought alone scares the crap out of me, even though I should have known what his career entailed before I ever let him kiss me. I should let it go, let things develop between us more like they have been, but the more I think about it, the more scared I become.

I’ve never had a boyfriend.

I’ve never considered letting somebody this close to me since that night.

I could call him my boyfriend and he wouldn’t mind.  In fact, I think it would make him one of the happiest guys in the world to hear me confirm us like that, but deep inside I’m still not sure if I’m ready to take that step yet. It’s like there’s this big thick black line between us, and he’s been standing on the other side of it for awhile now, waiting for me to come around.  I want to jump over it, right into his arms, let him hold me and kiss me, tell me everything is going to be okay and that he’ll always be here.

It’s a nice thought.

I just don’t know if I’m ready for it to come true.

I didn’t listen to the rest of the interview after I talked to Trace.  I was too disgusted to think about how uneasy Justin was, and how his friend wasn’t helping the situation, so I decided to put it to the back of my mind.  I went to check on Brennan but she still wasn’t ready to go home yet, so I went to Borders instead, searching the aisle’s mindlessly for a good book to take home with me.  I really like Sci Fi books.  A few years ago I had a friend that was really into the Star Wars novels, and got me to read a whole bunch of them, so I figured I would pick up where I left off.  I thought that I might be able to get Justin in on the craze too.  I figured if I could get him into soaps, I could probably get him into anything.

I smiled when I found the book I’d been searching for, and pulled it down from the shelf, backing up slowly once I started to thumb through it.  I shocked myself when I felt my back bump into something...or someone, and it caused me to drop my book to the ground.

“Oh, I’m sorry miss.”

I turned around, about to tell whoever it was not to worry, that I was a klutz most of the time anyway, but quickly realized I couldn’t say any of that once I saw the person standing before me.  My mouth went dry and I was incapable of getting any words to come out of my mouth as I stared into his bright blue eyes.  I didn’t get it.  I just...couldn’t understand how it was possible to bump into him on this particular day, when I had so many other things running through my mind.  

“Mel?”

He stepped a little bit closer to me and peered into my eyes, seemingly filled with as much disbelief as I was.  He looked absolutely amazed, and I couldn’t help but blush slightly as I bent down to retrieve the book I dropped.

“Melanie Parker?”

I stood up again, and managed to smile for him a moment later.  “Wow...Cooper,” I nodded with a nervous laugh.  “I...I can’t believe it.” I looked him up and down, sort of confused because he was wearing a Border’s smock and name tag.  I couldn’t think of a single reason why he would have been in Los Angeles, let alone be working in a retail store.  He was supposed to be in New York City, getting his law degree and living the life he always wanted.  I mean, he’d promised me that was what he was going to do before I left.  It was the only reason I was able to go back to Michigan after Mrs. Donnabora died, without any regrets.  

“Fuck, gimme a hug or something.”  

He opened his arms to me then, and I didn’t hesitate to step into them, letting him wrap them around me like so many times in the past.  I had forgotten about it...about him.  What he felt like, and smelled like.  How the soft tone of his voice had always made me feel comforted so many times in the past...made me forget about my problems, let me be happy for just a little while. I realized how much I missed his friendship, and it nearly brought me to tears.  I guess I forced myself to put him behind me when I moved back to Michigan.   It would have been entirely too difficult if I let myself dwell on him, the one friend I made that had ever completely understood my personality, and what happened to me, otherwise.  

Actually, he’s the only one I ever told, with the exception of Mrs. Donnabora, my mother and Susan.

He tightened his embrace around me as he bent backwards and lifted me off my feet a little bit.  “I’ve missed you entirely too much,” he said softly, pressing his face into my shoulder.

I knew I had to stop myself, and stop him.  I absolutely had to do it, because there were things I had to take care of.  Justin needed me, I knew he did, and Trace had more than proven to me that something had gone wrong.  My mind was literally screaming at me to run out of the store and go get the dog, but the smallest part of me was pleading with me just to wait a little while.  It was convincing me that deep down, I needed to catch up with Cooper.  That...there was a void in my life that I had been trying to block out for entirely too long since he and I parted ways.  “I missed you too,” I finally told him, giving into the little voice.  I pulled back from him after awhile, and met his gaze as he cradled me in his arms, catching him in a mesmerized smile.  “What are you doing here, though?” I questioned softly.  “I mean, you and retail? I never thought I’d live to see the day.”

He chuckled a little bit as he took a step back from me and proceeded to pull his smock off.  “That...is something we should talk about over coffee.”  He pulled my arm and winked at me playfully.  “I’m about to take my half hour.  Join me?”

I knew it wasn’t a good idea.  It was a ritual for Cooper and I to get lost in conversation for hours, and I knew since it had been so long, there was a great chance it would happen.  I wouldn’t be able to explain him to Justin.  I knew that he would get very insecure about it, because Cooper was a guy he didn’t know . A guy that...well...had feelings for me once upon a time. “Okay.” I blurted out, my mind reacting for me before I could stop myself.  I felt like shit in that moment, almost like I was betraying Justin in a way.

But then again, Cooper had always been a friend, and he knew more about me than Justin did.  I owed it to him to catch up, and Justin hadn’t told me about going on tour, so I figured that we were even for the time being.  I could explain things to him later, I was sure, and he would have to understand.  He needed to realize I had a past, a life that didn’t include him.  Just like he had a life that didn’t include me.

Looking overjoyed by my response, he excitedly pulled me by the hand and led me out of the book store.  Yeah, it was a little bit awkward, and I had no idea how Justin would have reacted if he knew, but I found that I was putting him to the back of my mind once I got into Cooper’s car, and found him smiling at me again.  It reminded me of so much...who I was before I came to work for Lynn, and how close I was to Mrs. Donnabora when she was still alive.  She was Cooper’s grandmother, and out of all of her grandchildren, he was the only one who would come to visit her out of pure enjoyment.  I think that was the first thing that enabled me to trust him a little bit.  He actually cared about her, how she was doing, if she was sick or weak, and if she was happy.  

They had a very special relationship, and when I came into the mix, he was a little wary at first.  He wasn’t sure about having a stranger taking care of his ‘gammy’ and if he hadn’t been going to school in New York, I knew he would have simply moved into her house and taken care of her instead.  He questioned me a lot in the beginning, but I didn’t hesitate to question him either.  I was still terrified of men at that point, and having one in the house  during the summer when he was home from school absolutely terrified me.  I think it’s what forced us to understand each other.  I wasn’t going anywhere and neither was he, and with a little coaxing on his grandmother’s part, we found ourselves getting lost in conversation one night on her front steps.   I got to know his story well, and over the weeks that followed...he got to know my story well too.

Telling him about the rape half cured me I think.  I was able to open my eyes a little bit wider after that, smile just a little bit more, and found the will to make my life the way I wanted it to be.  No, Cooper isn’t a miracle worker, but he’s a great listener.  I think that’s what I needed then, someone of my own age who would just listen to me...tell me that I could still have my life, and do whatever I wanted to do.  I think it’s how I survived.  I think its why, when I got the news that Lynn wanted me for this job, that I was able to hold my head high and take it without looking back or asking myself ‘what if’.

And my life has completely started to change because of it.

We went to a little sidewalk cafe, and ordered cappuccino with biscotti.  It was familiar, very San Fransico.  There used to be the cutest little place right down the street from Mrs. Donnabora’s house that Cooper and I would frequent when he was visiting.  It was there that we held some of our deepest conversations.  It was there that I was able to open up and tell him everything that happened to me with no regrets.

“I really....”  He paused and looked down at the table for a minute, beginning to chuckle a moment later.  “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“Well I am,” I smirked, not quite meeting his gaze as I stirred my cappuccino around with my cookie.  “How um...how have you been?”

He shrugged, and took a sip of his drink. “You know, busy.  Life has been hectic this year.”

He seemed sort of down, and I cocked my head to the side, a little bit confused.  Cooper had never been one to let things get to him.  No matter what the situation he’d always been able to hold his head high and smile, telling me that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.  He looked devastated then though, and I couldn’t deny that I was worried about him, despite the fact that I hadn’t seen him in a really long time.  “What’s going on?”

“Long story,” he chuckled.

“Well I have time,” I told him gently.  “Come on Cooper, you can talk to me.  I know it’s been a long time, and we haven’t exactly kept in touch like we should but...I”m still here for you.”

He sucked in his bottom lip and sighed heavily.  “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“Work,” I said quickly.  “And it’s not your turn yet.”

He laughed.  “There’s been a lot of problems with my mom.  You know Astra, never content for too long.”

Cooper and his mother have always had a difficult relationship.  She’s the one who hired me of course, being much too busy with other things to help her step mother out on her own.  She seemed nice at first, but I could tell how vindictive she was after awhile.  She would stop by the house sometimes, out of the blue, checking to see if I had been doing my job the right way.  I was too timid to say anything of course, but Cooper had been there once when she’d done it, and could see that it upset me a lot.  I don’t know what he said, but it obviously made an impact on her.  The next time I saw her, all she could seem to do was apologize about her behavior, telling me that she worried about a lot of things, and she knew that she didn’t have a reason not to trust me.  

“What now?” I groaned.

“She ran off with some guy.”  Cooper had shaken his head and rolled his eyes.  “I came home and took care of the girls so my dad could run the catering business.  It’s been hard on them, you know?  Especially Nat...you know how she can be.”

I smiled.  Natalie and I had never been especially close, but I saw her enough to know she was a very demanding person, just like her mother was.  She used to drive Cooper crazy, constantly asking him to take her places, but I always knew how much he loved his sister.  He used to tell me that he wanted the best for her, and that he tried to help her look into different programs that colleges favored.  I always admired him for looking out for her.  Their father was very business oriented and sometimes he seemed to lose sight of how much his daughters needed him around.  In a way, Cooper had always played a little bit of a father figure to them, especially to Natalie.  It was hard for him being away at school, but I knew he had to do it to better his future.  Knowing he had to come back home because his mother had skipped town angered me.  It meant Cooper had to put his career on hold so he could fix his mother’s mess, and that wasn’t fair.  “You had to drop out?” I asked him sadly.

He shook his head.  “No, not entirely.  I shifted my credits to UCLA and I’ve been taking night courses for six months so I could keep up.  She...she came home a few days ago, like...out of the blue,” he sighed.  “It was hard, we fought and stuff, and I mostly acted like a pigheaded idiot, until I got some sense talked into me.  Things have been a little bit better since then. I mean, we’ve been civil, and she wants to help me get back into school full time.  I don’t think we’ve ever gotten along this well before, actually, and the girls are happy.  This guy she’s seeing is all right too.   I mean, I think I can trust him,” he nodded.  “My dad hates it all, but they’re getting a divorce regardless so he can’t really say much about it.”

I sat back and crossed my arms, a little smile making its way onto my face.  One thing Justin and Cooper had in common is that they were stubborn, and stood their ground when something pissed them off.  Hearing him say somebody had talked sense into him made me curious, because I had no idea who could possibly have the stamina to do something like that.  “Somebody actually talked you down?” I chuckled.  

“Ah, so that’s what stuck out to you?” He said, his cheeks turning pink.  “Not the fact that my family life is a big shambled mess?”

I laughed heartily.  “Your family life has always been that way, Cooper.”r32;
He nodded and smirked.  “You got me there.”

“Well?”

He looked into my eyes, seemingly debating on wether or not he should tell me.  I knew automatically that he had somebody in his life...possibly a girlfriend, and he was afraid to tell me.  Of course I didn’t blame him.  Despite the fact that I hated to admit it, I knew that he’d fallen hard for me when his grandmother was still alive.  We had the kind of friendship that bared no secrets.  He told me everything about him, and eventually, I told him everything about me.  We were best friends.

But I wasn’t ready to be more.

I don’t know if he took my turndown hard.  At the time it seemed that way to me I guess, because Mrs. Donnabora had passed away just a few weeks prior, and we were both pretty emotional.  When he told me he loved me, of course I told him that I loved him too, but that I wasn’t ready for a relationship with anybody and that I knew that he could understand.  Of course he agreed, painstakingly, and a few weeks later I was on a plane back to Michigan and he was on one back to New York City.  We’d write, but eventually get caught up in our own lives and lose touch.  I always wondered ‘what if’ when it came to him.  What if I was stronger, better? What if I hadn’t been raped? Would we have been together?

Yes.

And that meant Justin wouldn’t be a part of my life.

“I met someone,” he said quietly.  “She’s kind of...you know, perfect for me.”

“Why are you acting ashamed?” I laughed.  “Cooper, that’s a really great thing.  I”m really happy for you.”

He shrugged.  “Yeah.  I just...I dunno.”

“We’re friends,” I informed him, reaching across the table to rub my hand on top of his.   “We’ve always been great friends.  You know that.”

He nodded a little.  “Yeah, I know that.  I guess I’ve just always viewed you as the one who got away or something,” he laughed.  “That’s really pathetic, but you know how I am when it comes to you.”

I sucked in a breath, and simply nodded.  I didn’t have any words, because what he said was true.  I was his ‘would have been’, and that’s just how things were.  Did it mean we couldn’t be friends because of that?  I didn’t want that to be true, but I hadn’t talked to Cooper in a long time, and I had no idea where his head was...or if I had completely messed him up by turning him down.  I knew he must have gotten over me somewhat, since he was seeing someone, but I had no idea if the relationship was serious or not.  “Cooper...”

“Look, that was stupid,” he said, regretfully.  “I mean, I’m in love with somebody.  Seeing you, just kind of made my mind go haywire.  You know, I started to remember the past.  I’ll be okay.”

“In love?” I smirked.  “Damn, Coop.”

“Hey, don’t act so surprised,” he smiled.  “I’m capable.”

“I know...” I trailed off, a little nervously.  “I just...didn’t think you’d be telling me that the next time I got to see you, that’s all.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t expect to come home and find a girlfriend either,” he smiled.  “But it just...happened, you know, and it was the weirdest fuckin thing.  We met in New York, and I almost forgot about her because of everything else that’s been going on.  Then one day...she was just there, and we’ve been making it work somehow.”

Inside I was too curious for my own good, but I’d never let it show.  I had an idea of what Cooper’s ideal girlfriend was, because he’d been so into me at one point.  I knew she had a good head on her shoulders.  Cooper had never been one to play games and I knew that he wouldn’t be able to tolerate somebody who was really immature for long. No, she was definitely mature, probably a little bit playful, because he was too.  She was probably pretty, but not one to go over the top with outfits and makeup, and I was sure she was smart too.  Really smart.  I felt myself smile a little bit wider.  I don’t know why, but something inside was nagging at me, telling me that he’d finally met his match.  I’d really like to meet her, eventually.  

But then...I’m sure I would have to introduce Justin to Cooper, and I have no idea how that would turn out.

“You think I’m rushing,” he sighed, snapping me out of my thoughts.  “I mean, I’ve considered that too, Mel.  I have.  But I just feel like she’s right for me and...”

“No,” I said with a small laugh.  “I don’t think that way at all, believe me.  I’m sorry if I was spacing out.  Today has been kind of crazy, and running into you kind of pushed me over the edge, that’s all.  It’s great news Cooper.  Being in love is an amazing thing.”

He licked his lips and gave me a confused smirk.  “What aren’t you telling me?”

I swallowed hard.  I should have known better than to think I could hide the anxiety of my situation with Justin from him.  It had been awhile, and so I thought he’d look past it, but he knew me too well to just let it go.  “It’s nothing,” I chuckled.

“Melanie.”  He frowned and reached across the table to rub my hand.  “it’s pointless to keep things from me.”

I sighed and sat back in the chair, staring at him for awhile, trying to convince myself that it was okay to talk to him about it.  I wasn’t going to name names of course, but that’s not the reason I was edgy about telling Cooper that I thought I had a boyfriend.  I guess if I told him...it would have been like admitting it to myself too.  That Justin was my boyfriend, and I had to stop giving him every excuse in the world as to why I still needed to “think about it”.  The truth was, there wasn’t anything more to think about.  He cared about me.  Hell, he loved me, and I knew it was a genuine thing.  I could feel it in is his eyes every time he looked at me, in his smile every time I made him laugh, and in his kiss whenever his lips touched mine.  While I couldn’t say it then, while I knew it was going to take me some time to even begin to accept the fact that I was falling in love with him, I couldn’t deny that I was basically his girlfriend anymore.  “I...just...I’ve been seeing someone too,” I told him softly, after awhile.   “It’s weird, and so different for me.  You’re actually the first person I’m telling about this so...be grateful.”

“You’re seeing someone?” He asked with a large smile.  “Mel...that’s fantastic.  Who is he? When can I meet him?”

I tried to be as excited as he was for me, but I found that I just couldn’t do it.  Unlike him, it’s wasn’t so thrilling for me to be talking about my love life.  It made me uneasy, because it was all so new to me, like I was taking a huge leap in my life, and in the end I wasn’t going to be the same person.  I was afraid that deep down he wished I’d been able to be that way with him, that I was hurting him.  But maybe I was jumping to conclusions...maybe I just worry too much.  “Um...well...”

He leaned forward then, obviously sensing that talking about the subject was making me nervous.  “Are you sure you’re ready, Mel?” He asked softly.  “I mean, it’s only been a year or two since I left and everything...”

“He’s different,” I blurted out like some kind of crazy person, and it got his eyes to widen slightly.  “We just...we just have a lot of things in common, and he understands me.”

He nodded a little, and I could see the questions in his eyes.  He didn’t understand why Justin was so much different than himself.  I mean, Cooper and I had a lot of things in common too, and we got a long really well.  He’s a nice guy, very genuine, and he knows how not to treat a girl.  I would have been lucky to call him my boyfriend if I had been ready at the time he told me how he felt about me.  But I wasn’t ready.  I was still terrified of that sort of thing, and only now am I starting to come out of it.

He was just a little bit too late, and the only thing I wanted to do then was go home and make sure Justin was okay...that his best friend didn’t fuck him up to the point where he felt he couldn’t go out and live his life anymore.  

“If you’re happy then I’m happy for you,” Cooper told me, glancing at his wristwatch slightly.  “When can we hang out again? My lunch is almost up and I feel like I’ve only gotten to see you for five minutes,” he chuckled.

“Oh...” I sucked in a breath and tried to think of a good way to tell him that things were kind of awkward and I needed to take some time before I saw him again.  But of course, I couldn’t think of anything to say. I knew he’d be hurt, more hurt than he was by my news, even though he was trying as hard as he could not to let it show.  “Well I’m pretty busy right now, Cooper.”  I flashed him a nervous smile and slid myself out from the table before standing up.  “Maybe in a month or so.  My job is pretty demanding at the moment.  I barely have a minute to myself lately.”

God, I was so pathetic.

“Oh yeah,” he smiled.  “What is it that you do now, anyway?”

“I’m um, sort of an assistant,” I said quickly.

“Sort of an assistant?” He laughed.  “This conversation is getting more awkward by the minute, huh?  Come on, tell me...you got a job in the CIA didn’t you?  You learned all those great spy tactics from your cat and so they inducted you, right?”

I was finally able to let out a genuine laugh for him.  He was doing the best he could to make the situation less awkward for the both of us, because he was really happy to see me and I knew he wanted us to become close friends again.  “Hey, Morgan is a wonder cat,” I told him.  “What can I say?”

“Come on, give me a hug and then I’ll take you back, I promise.”  He smiled again and held his arms open for me.  “Even though I’d like to keep you in my closet for the rest of your life.”

“You’re such a freak,” I told him playfully as I stepped into his arms again.  “Save it for your girlfriend.”

“Good idea.”

With one last smile, he led me back to the car, and drove us back to the book store.  I didn’t go inside with him, telling him instead that I had to pick up ‘my bosses dog’ from the vet.  It felt strange to be calling Justin my boss in front of Cooper, but I knew there wasn’t much of a choice.  I would have felt strange calling Brennan ‘my boyfriends dog’, and I knew it would trigger more questions from Cooper anyway.

“Remember, texting is your friend,” Cooper smiled as he handed my cellphone back to me once he input his number into it.  “Anything you need, you just make sure to contact me.”

I stared down at the number and smiled a little.  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I love you Mel.”

I looked up at him, and he wasn’t really smiling anymore.  He was serious, his eyes filled with a strange despondency that I hadn’t seen since the day I told him that I couldn’t be his girlfriend.  It caused my stomach turn a little bit.  I knew he’d do anything for me, and the only thing I could think of in that moment was getting home to Justin.  Seeing Cooper...while it should have been making me think of the good times we shared in the past, was only making me think of how much I cared about Justin, and how much I was longing to be in his arms again, with his lips pressed against mine.

I left for my car quickly, not giving Cooper a chance to look back, and practically peeled away from the curb once I was certain he was back inside his building.  I shouldn’t have been scared of him, I knew that.  I could trust him, and I knew that he only wanted the best for me despite the length of time it had been since we’d spoken, and the feelings he may have still had for me.  It was crazy to think that he’d dwell on me for long anyway.  He was in love after all, most likely with a wonderful girl, and I was sure that when he saw her again he would forget about those crazy feelings that had built up inside of him over seeing me again.  

I checked my phone on the way back to the vet for any sign of a missed phone call or text from Justin, but there weren’t any.  I figured he must have still been at the station, even though it was getting later and he should have been out by that time.  I didn’t dwell on it.  Even though I didn’t know much about the entertainment business I was sure that events constantly ran late due to executives and other people that wanted to talk to Justin.  I only hoped that he wasn’t becoming more agitated, I didn’t think I could handle him if he was in one of his dark moods when I arrived home.  Thankfully, Brennan was ready and waiting when I arrived to pick her up, and with a few simple directions of how to redress her bandage each morning, I was on my way.

Or, at least I thought I was.  

There is a point on the way back to Justin’s house, that’s pretty much in the middle of nowhere.  I never really noticed just how isolated it was until this particular day, because I never had a reason too.  I’d been scratching Brennan’s head and humming along to a random song on the radio when I felt it happen.  The right side of my car sort of sunk down towards the ground, and I heard the tire make a loud popping sound.  I swerved a little, and I let out a frighten shriek as I frantically applied pressure to the brake before the car could collide into one of the guard rails on the side of the road.  Then, the car stopped.  My eyes were shut tight, but I forced myself to get it together when I heard Brennan whining beside me.  I took a moment to pull her into my arms, before I opened the door and slid myself out of the car.  Two, maybe three inches more, and I would have collided right into the guard rail. I began to tremble, knowing how close I had come to getting seriously injured...or worse.

I’ve been standing here ever since, just staring at my damaged vehicle, cradling Brennan in my arms.  I don’t know why I haven’t tried to call for help. I guess it’s because I know I’d have to call Justin, and after the day I’m sure he’s had, I doubt he’d be thrilled to have me calling him to the rescue.  But then who do I call?   Even though I’m supposed to be strong and have it all together, I’m still afraid of strangers.  If I called a tow truck, I have no doubt in my mind that I’d have to deal with a strange man that I don’t know.  I’m not...comfortable with that.  I’d call Tarin but I’m sure she’s still at work.  I wish I could call Trace...

But I think I’d end up slapping him.

I hear my cellphone start to ring from its place on the passenger seat, and it causes me to snap out of my delirious state for the moment.  I gently place Brennan down on the drivers seat as I reach across to retrieve my phone, and she starts to whine and paw at my leg almost automatically.  Normally I’d pick her up right away, but I can’t right now.  The caller ID is telling me Justin is the one who’s calling, and I don’t know whether or not I should answer.  I just....feel so god damned stupid right now.  I haven’t been checking the tire pressure lately and I should have, but I guess I’ve been too preoccupied since Justin and I have been getting serious.

The phone stops ringing, then starts up again no less than thirty seconds later.  Naturally, it’s still Justin, and this time I don’t think, I just answer, because I know I need to hear his voice.  Maybe if I do...I’ll stop shaking like this.  “Hey,” I say, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.  “I was...”

“You’re not here.”

His voice is dark, sad, and miserable, like somebody has just sucked all the life out of him.  I don’t get it.  I mean, he knew I was going to be running errands today, so what’s the problem?  Suddenly, I realize my worst fears about his experience today must be true.  Something very, very bad happened, and I wish like hell that I didn’t get this damn flat tire.  It’s the last thing he needs, and the one thing that’s preventing us from being together right now.  “I...I know.  I”m sorry okay?  Justin...I just...I was coming back from the vet and the tire popped on the car, and I almost hit the guard rail.”  I’m sobbing into the phone now, mostly because I’m scared, but also because I hate that this is the first time I’ve really needed him to be here for me.  “I’m okay and Brennan is okay, but I’m really...I’m just freaked out, and I wanted to be home for you because you’ve probably had a really long day...”

I stop rambling because he’s not making any attempt to interrupt me.  It’s quiet now, for a very long batch of seconds that I don’t bother trying to count.  Then his voice comes again, not as dark, but just as pained.

“Where are you?”r32;
“I don’t know the street name,” I whimper.  “It’s that section full of trees between downtown and your neighborhood.”

“I’ll be right there.”r32;

“No, it’s okay,” I say, trying to get the strength back into my voice.  “I can call a tow truck.  I just wanted you to...”

Click.

The line is dead now, and I pull the phone away from my ear, staring back at the screen in disbelief.  He’s really...on his way.  There was no question in his mind that I needed him, and he’s coming, despite the fact that he’s really upset about something.  I just...I’ve never had somebody that would drop everything in a second to come to my aid before.  I pick Brennan up again and sit down on the drivers seat with my legs hanging out the door, my mind racing with a thousand questions about today, about Cooper, and about just how much Justin cares about me.

It takes about ten minutes before I hear the sound of a car speeding through the streets near bye, and when I finally get a glimpse of the black BMW I know it’s Justin right away.  I put Brennan down on the seat and ignore her whining again as I stand up and clutch my stomach, trying the best I can to make myself stop crying.  I can’t seem to do it though.  No, this time I’ve lost it because I’ve never been in a car accident before.  All I keep thinking about is what could have happened, and what it would have been like if Justin wasn’t in my life...if I’d simply been alone.

The car screeches to a halt just feet away from my own, and I can make out Justin’s figure through the semi tinted windshield.  He throws his seat belt off and pushes the door open, getting out of the car like it’s the most important thing in the world.  He races over to me, and it only takes me seconds to see the bloody bruise on his forehead.  I gasp a little bit, but have no chance to ask him questions, because he’s too busy rambling off his own.

“Jesus, Mel, are you okay?”  He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, his eyes glossed over and bloodshot as if he’s been crying this entire time.  “Did you hurt yourself?”

“I’m fine,” I say, with a shaky voice.  “I’m okay.”

He pulls back from me slightly and looks me over, running his hands down my face, my arms, and up and down my body as if he’ll be able to make some kind of injury determination this way.  “Are you sure? You’d tell me right?”

“Justin.”  I put my hands on his shoulders and shake him a little.  “I’m okay.”r32;
He stares me in the eyes, and sighs a little bit.  “I thought something happened to you.”

I realize his paranoia is stemming from something in his past, and right now I really don’t want to ask him about it, because I have too many other things I need to talk to him about.  “What happened to you?” I force myself to ask him after a moment, putting a hand to his forehead.

He gently pulls my hand away and laces his fingers through mine.  “Bad day.”

I just nod, because I don’t know what else to say, and I know that this isn’t the place to be discussing the days events with him.  The most important thing is to get my car situation sorted out, we can worry about everything else later.  He pulls me over to the damaged side of the car, and surveys it for awhile before he makes an assumption.

“I think I can fix it with the spare,” he tells me, finally letting go of my hand and crouching down to do a final inspection of the damage.  “You didn’t break the axle or anything.  That’s lucky too.”

“You’re going to fix it?”  I find myself laughing even though it’s not exactly the best thing to be doing.

He glances over his shoulder and gives me a funny little look.  “What’s that supposed to mean?  I’m from Tennessee, we learn how to do all this stuff when we’re little kids.”

“Wow,” I say, my mood brightening slightly.  “I didn’t know that child labor was a big thing down there.”

“Shut up,” he says, chuckling a little.  “Watch the master at work.”  

Brennan starts to whine again of course, and Justin takes a few moments to stroke her head and kiss her nose while whispering his strange puppy language in her ear.  It seems to be perking him up slightly, and it’s definitely helping me not to linger on the bruise on his forehead or what might have happened to him today.  He goes and gets the spare and jack a moment later, and I watch him as he works.  He removes the damaged tire expertly, as if he does stuff like this everyday, and I can’t help but admit that I’m impressed.

I really...I never thought he was capable of being a fixer upper.  Not with how needy he’s been for all this time.

“Here hold this for me, girl.”

He’s holding out the hubcap for me to take, and I kneel down beside him, holding it out like a bowl as he throws the loose nuts and bolts into it.  In a flash, he’s put the donut onto the axle, and begins to fasten it on.  It takes about five more minutes before he lowers the jack, and turns to smile at me again.  “See?  I told you.”  He stands up and helps me to my feet, a confident gleam in his eyes.  “You can get back to the house like that, and I’ll have somebody come put a new set of tires on the car in a few days, okay?”

I nod a little, but dont’ say anything to him.  I’m too busy looking into his eyes, the thought of what he went through today coming back to me all too quickly.  “I’ll follow you back to the house then.”

He nods, stepping closer to me so he can plant a kiss on my lips, pressing his forehead to mine when he breaks it shortly after.  “I don’t know what I’d do if you got hurt,” he whispers.

I stroke his face gently, trying not to cry.  “Let’s not think about it, all right?”

He nods and sucks in a long breath before completely pulling away from me.  “I’ll see you in a few.”

We both get into our respective cars, and I let Justin lead the way back home.  I’m never more thankful when I finally hear the gate close behind me.  Finally I’m home, and Justin is home, and we can get everything sorted out.  He can tell me all about his day, what exactly happened, and what I can do to get him through it.  I’m fucking worried sick.  It’s obvious that he either walked into a wall or somebody gave him that bruise on his forehead, and I doubt he would have sounded as upset on the phone earlier if it had been his own doing.  

But who the hell would want to hurt him now? On today of all days?  

The name Trace comes to mind simply because of his attitude towards me.

But I don’t want to jump to any conclusions.

Justin meets me at my car, and takes Brennan in his arms when I hand her over to him.  We walk inside the house together silently, neither of us feeling the need to say anything because we both know how we feel...lost, confused, and miserable.  The house is dark when I step inside of it, and part of me knows that Justin must have been sitting in the darkness when he got home.  I quickly flick on the lights so the cold, dreary feeling will leave me, and it helps just a little bit.  “I can start dinner,” I say to him when I enter the kitchen.  He’s crouched over Brennan’s crate now, whispering to her softly as he pets her head.  “What do you feel like?”

“Mel.”

I try not to pay attention to him as I begin to open the cabinets and survey our dinner options.  “How about pasta?”

“I can’t think about food right now.”

He says it so seriously, that I’m forced to pause and look back over at him.  He’s leaning against the wall now, looking at me like he’s so fucking lost.  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

He crosses his arms protectively across his chest and stares at the floor.  “So much shit happened today, I dont’ even know where I should start.”

I lean against the counter and huff loudly, still staring at him even though he won’t look at me right now.  “Is it Trace?”

His gaze snaps back towards me automatically.  “What makes you say that?”

“Well he was acting really fucking weird on the phone,” I say, bitterly.  “So I figure he must have done something.”

“You called?”

I nod a little.  “I just...was listening to the radio interview and at one point you sounded a little bit down, so I decided to leave you a voicemail.  Trace picked up though, and gave me a really hard time about calling you while you were at work.  I just don’t understand.  He’s never spoken to me that way before.”

He stares at me for a long time after that, seeming not to know what the best response is.  Of course, I don’t expect him to bash his best friend in front of me, but I would like some kind of explanation.  Nothing makes sense right now, including Justin’s injuries, and it’s driving me crazy.  

“She was there,” he finally says, nearly whimpering the words as he speaks.  “She was there, and he knew she was going to be there the whole damn time.”

I straighten myself a little, feeling my body going rigid at the same time.  “Who was?”

He looks right into my eyes for a very long moment.  “Kerri.”

“Oh...”  I trail off.  No, I don’t know all the details about this girl, except that she was Justin’s very good friend at one point, she was kidnapped along with him, and their friendship has been messed up ever since.  I don’t want to pry, it wouldn’t be fair to him, but right now he’s not giving me much of a choice.  “Why was she there?”

“She fucking works there,” he says darkly.  “Can you believe that asshole?  I mean, Christ, he knew I wasn’t ready to do the damn interview in the first place, but he persuaded me to do it anyway, even though he knew I wouldn’t want to see her.”

I sigh heavily, becoming even more infuriated with Trace than I already was.  Damn it, I knew he was up to something.  I knew it, but I didn’t push Justin about it because I didn’t want him to make a choice because of something I said.  I want him to make his own decisions, because this is his life, but hell...knowing what I do now makes me wish I had been pushier about this whole thing.  I wish Justin had turned Trace down, because if he wouldn’t be a wreck right now if that was the case..  “So what...I mean, how did you get that cut on your forehead then?”

He shrugs harshly.  “Trace and I got into it when we got back here. Don’t even worry about all of it, Mel. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you kidding me!” I scoff.  “You got into it? You’re fine? Bull shit, Justin!  I wasn’t born fucking yesterday.”

He just stares at me, his eyes wide with confusion and fear, and I know I’ve just made him feel worse, but I don’t care.  He can’t just blow this off, not when the situation has escalated to this point.  “Talk to me,” I hiss at him.  “You’re not just going to blow this off and move onto the next thing.  Jesus, Justin, you and Trace just got into some kind of fist fight over this girl, on one of the biggest days you’ve had in awhile, career wise.  This is a big deal!”

“It wasn’t a fist fight,” he grunts.  “What am I? Twelve?”

I laugh sarcastically and roll my eyes, slamming the cabinet door shut before I walk away from him.  I honestly can’t believe he’s avoiding the entire point of this right now.  We’re supposed to be closer, better...together, and that means he should be able to tell me everything that happened today without an ounce of secretiveness.  I mean, I’m not asking him to go into details about his past with Kerri because I know he’s not ready, but I do expect him to tell me how he feels about what happened today.  The fact that he’s avoiding me hurts like hell. I probably shouldn’t be letting it get to me like this.

But deep down I know I have no choice.

I sit in the recliner and let the TV blare mindlessly in my face for awhile.  It calms me down a little bit, takes my mind off how angry I’ve become.  I hear Justin shuffling around in the kitchen once in awhile, at one point I even hear him talking on the phone, and it almost makes the anger rise inside of me again, before I realize that he’s talking to Lynn.  I can’t crucify him for that.  She’s probably the only other person besides myself that I trust around him at this very moment.  Trace is out, definitely out, and God...I don’t even want to think about what I’ll end up saying to him the next time he graces us with his presence.  

Despite how angry I am with Trace though, I can’t help but wonder...why he’d be angry enough to hit Justin in the first place.

I shudder.

“Mel.”

I don’t look over, but I know he’s here now, sitting on the sofa.  I change the channel on the television with a blank expression on my face, hoping that he’ll be able to tell how much his avoiding the subject has pissed me off.  

“Okay, I know you’re pissed,” he says gently.  “But honestly, it’s been a long fucking day.  It just got topped off with your whole car thing too, and I’m a fucking wreck.  Can you seriously blame me for not wanting to break down and tell you everything that went on, yet?  Come on Mel, you act like I’m doing it deliberately or something.  I gave you a summary and shit anyway.  You should be able to get the basic idea of how fucking awkward the day’s been.”

I suck in a breath.  “Yeah, I get it.” I snap.  “I’ll just turn a blind eye to the rest of it, I mean, that’s what you want anyway.”

“Melanie,” he says harshly.  

I change the channel.