I never thought I would be able to feel this way again.  Like, complete.  Like, when I wake up I have a reason to smile everyday.

“Morning baby.”  He pulls me closer to his warm naked body, and squeezes me tighter as he plants a soft kiss on the back of my neck.

“Hey.”  I flip myself around in his arms and smile as I give him a long kiss back on the mouth.

He’s great.  I mean, we’re great.  We’ve been doing great together.  The first time we had sex, I’ll admit, I was scared fucking shitless, but I think he could sense that.  He took things slow, taking the time to talk to me as we made love in his bedroom.  It was more sensual than anything.  The most heartfelt passion I think I’ve ever had, and that’s crazy because the only other person I’ve ever slept with has been Justin...

I should let myself slip away, fall in love with Cooper and never look back.  There’s just one small issue with that though.  Despite the fact that I’m smiling this morning, as I gaze into Cooper’s eyes while eating up all of the wonderful things he’s whispering in my ear, I know most of my joy isn’t because of how things have been progressing between us at all.

It’s because I know I still have a chance, because Justin still loves me, despite it all.  I know it’s sick and demented or whatever, but I just don’t care.  I looked into his eyes, I saw the expression on his face, and I just knew...I knew that my boyfriend was still there.  He’d gotten lost for awhile, hell, gone completely crazy, but that wasn’t the case Tuesday afternoon.  He saw David being an asshole to me and the only thing he could think was to protect me...to make sure I was okay.

And I guess I basically forgave him for everything then, even though I couldn’t tell him that.

I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes.  He said yes and I know what I have to do now.  I have to go back home and make him my boyfriend again, no matter what.

But where does that leave Cooper?  

It’s shitty, totally shitty to be thinking this way when I’m with him.  He doesn’t have a clue what happened Tuesday, and I’m certainly not going to tell him.  It just sucks though, it really does, because I care about him.  Hell, we’ve been sleeping together for the past few days, and I know that it’s not something he takes lightly.  I should be more confused about this, probably a lot more stressed out than I am, but I can’t be.  The fact that Justin still cares has picked me up from the ground and forced my head on straight.  I can breathe easier now, I’ve been more carefree these last few days than I’ve been in months.  Cooper is loving the change of course, and I guess I’m glad I can make him smile...

Even if it is under false pretenses.

I hadn’t slept at all the night before Justin’s radio interview.  All I kept thinking about was seeing him, how I would react, and how shocked I was sure he would be.  I barely talked to Cooper in the morning, partially because I was so tired, but also because I felt like complete shit since I hadn’t told him what was going on.  I wanted to, I really did, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. He can’t stand Justin, and I haven’t even told him half of my nightmare yet, or about what Justin did to me.  Seeing him that one time, when he shoved Siobhan into a wall was enough for Cooper to want to stay as far away from Justin as possible.  I don’t blame him of course, but sadly, I can’t take his side.  

“You sure you’re all right?”  He’d pulled the coffee mug out of my hands and placed it on the table as he held me in his arms and gave me a light kiss on the forehead.  “You seem to be really worked up about the radio station lately.”

“Yeah, Coop.  You know how hectic things can be in this business.”  Ever the professional, I smiled for him and kissed him like all was well.  I found that I was really good at faking my mood around Cooper.  That I could have him eating out of the palm of my hand within seconds.  He seemed to linger on my every word, and acted like I was the most genuine girl in the world.  It made me feel good at times, but at that moment, it did nothing but made me feel sick to my stomach.  There I was, more concerned about seeing Justin and going over what I would say to him if the opportunity arose, than the fact that Cooper had fallen completely in love with me and would do anything to make sure I was okay.

I was fucked up.

I didn’t care, either.

I let him kiss on me for awhile, knowing that it would put him in a good mood and make him forget the anxiety that had been more than obvious in my expression.  He told me that he couldn’t wait until I got home, that he was going to cook dinner for me and pick out a movie for us to watch.  He dropped me off at work shortly after, smiling after me as I kissed him goodbye, reassuring him that I’d see him that evening.  I didn’t give him any other information, but I wasn’t worried.  Cooper didn’t listen to KISS, or any other top forty radio station for that matter.  He was a die hard classic rock fan, and whenever he would take me places, I was constantly forced to listen to bands like the Grateful Dead, and the Rolling Stones.  I figured I was off the hook, and I quickly pushed my supposed boyfriend to the back of my mind as I focused on what lied ahead.

The station was brimming full force by the time I reached the main floor, and Tarin immediately grabbed me by the arm and hauled me off to her desk the moment she noticed me.  I could tell she was nervous, but I wasn’t surprised.  Just a few days prior, it had been made known to all the staff that Tarin was finally getting her first big break.  David had agreed to let Tarin assist with Justin’s interview,  and it was the first step towards her promotion.  Of course, deep down I knew what had probably happened.  Trace must have called David and made another little deal with him in exchange for Justin’s time.  I was happy something was going his way, and so, I didn’t think badly of what he had done.

After all, as much as I loved Justin, he deserved to get used a little bit, since he had done so much shit to Trace and I in the past.

“I have a guest,” I told her quickly, as she began to shuffle through some papers on her desk.

She looked up at me with wide eyes.  “Today?”

I nodded.  Despite how stressful the day was, I wasn’t going to go back on what I promised Natalie.  I knew it meant a lot to her, and I figured making her happy would take my mind away from how terrified I was of seeing Justin.  “Yeah.  Just two girls, that’s all.”

“Ker,” Tarin sighed.  “Seriously, today is just...not a good day for that kind of stuff.  We have two radio winners and I really don’t know what kind of mood Justin is going to be in when he finds out about them.”

I chuckled to myself and rolled my eyes.  “He’ll be fine,” I told her seriously.  “I’ve known him my entire life, and the only thing he can be in a setting like this is professional.”

She stared at me for a while, seemingly debating what I told her.  “I dunno...”

“Come on Tarin,” I whispered.  “I’ve been busting my ass.  You can do me this one favor.”

 “God,” she groaned.  “Fine...okay, but just the two girls and that’s it.”

“Thanks,” I’d nudged her playfully and smiled at her.  “I appreciate it, Tar.”  I began to walk over to my desk, to see what kinds of tasks had been left for me to do, before I heard her call my name once more.

“Hey, Kerri.”

I turned around, and met her gaze.  She was serious now, clutching her stomach, and biting on her bottom lip like she was really uneasy about something.  What that something was, I knew all too well.  My mind had been filled with so much shit for so long, the fact that Tarin was pregnant with Trace’s kid had nearly escaped my mind once she told me.  When she reminded me though, I felt like I’d almost had the wind knocked out of me.  “Did you um...talk to Trace?”

She nodded slowly.  “Yeah, we talked about it.”

“And?”

“Well,” she said, as she pulled up her computer chair and sat down.  “He’s...happy,” she chuckled a little and shook her head.  “Crazy, right?”

It wasn’t as crazy as she made it seem.  Trace was good at being logical, at figuring shit out.  A baby was a big thing of course, but so was running Justin’s career and putting agenda’s together for one of the biggest superstars in the world.  He was focused, very together, and trustworthy.  It was weird to think of Trace with kids of course, but I knew he’d be good at it, and he loved Tarin, so I knew he’d be even better off.  “He’ll be a good father,” I reassured her.  “He hasn’t talked to me about it yet, but...I can let you know what he says.”

“You would?” she said, seemingly surprised.  “Ker, that would be so great.  I mean, he tells you everything, so maybe you can get a little bit more of his feelings out in the open.”

“Sure,” I laughed.  “It’ll be my favor to you for letting my friends into the studio today.”

“Just do me a favor and don’t mention this to anyone else, okay?” she asked me quietly.  “I need to sort out what I’m going to do first.”

I nodded.  It was so strange that Tarin and I had come to terms with our differences like we had.  Crazily enough, I’d started to trust her a little bit.  It didn’t seem like she was battling with me anymore, or trying to keep Trace and I apart.  She respected my friendship with him a little bit.  No, I didn’t have any intentions on becoming best friends with her, or hanging out with her outside of work unless Trace was involved, but still...it was nice being able to talk to her without getting torn apart.  Although, I could feel a sinking feeling in my stomach, telling me that once she saw Justin’s reaction to my being in the same place as him, she’d never view me the same way.  “No problem.”

“Great,” she smirked.  “Make sure you give security your guests name, and get to work on the list I left you, all right?  Let me know if you have to leave the building, I may need you to pick up a few things for David and Justin.”

“Oh...yeah, no problem.”  I swallowed hard, but tried not to let my feelings show.  The prospect of having to deliver something personally to Justin scared me.  I didn’t want to catch him off guard like that, but I couldn’t say anything to Tarin.  Trace immediately came to mind, and I knew that the moment I saw him I needed to make sure he persuaded Tarin to let him do the errands, or get somebody else besides me to do them.

She turned back to her work, and I quickly made my way over to my desk so I could start on the list that had been left for me.  It ended up keeping me so busy, that I nearly forgot to say hello to Natalie when she arrived.  I found her in passing, my arms full of binders and paper work, and nearly dropped them all when I practically walked into her.  “Oh...shit, Nat.”  I chuckled.  “Did you get in okay?”

“Yeah.”  She said nervously, not hesitating to take some of my pile into her own arms.  “This is Sarah,” she said, pointing to the girl next to her.

Naturally, I greeted her friend, and made small talk with the both of them as we walked down the hallway.  It was nice to see how excited they were, and I was immediately brought back to better times, when Trace and Justin were my best friends and I didn’t have to worry so much.  I probably would have forgotten about the whole day if it had kept on like that, simply melting into a mindless conversation with a couple of teenagers, avoiding reality like the plague.  That would have been easy.  Better.  I would have gone home to my boyfriend that night with no regrets.

But all too soon, reality reared it’s ugly head.

I think I could recognize Justin’s voice even if he was sick as a dog, with laryngitis.  I don’t know why that is.  I mean, if Cooper had laryngitis I probably wouldn’t be able to tell him apart from anybody else, but...Cooper isn’t Justin.  That’s probably why, when I heard his laughter rip through my ears for the first time since our incident, I froze in place.  Natalie was still rambling on of course, oblivious to the voices that lied around the corner from us, but I could barely hear what she was saying.  My throat was dry, and I was fucking scared.  Thankfully, an intern passed by us then, and I snapped out of my delirious state long enough to call her over, and have her take the girls to where they needed to be.  Natalie hugged me and so did her friend.  I did the best I could to smile and hug them back with as much enthusiasm as they gave me, reassuring them I’d see them at the end of the day, before they were escorted away.

Then I was alone.

I listened hard.  I recognized Tarin’s voice, enthusiastically chatting away about the fact that Justin was standing before her.  She kept going on and on about how good he looked, and how excited she was.  I leaned back against the wall as he responded to her, sounding carefree as ever.  I...I hadn’t heard him sound that way in a really long time.  Years, maybe.  Even when we’d been together, Justin had never sounded so happy to be someplace...to be alive.

And that told me a lot had changed in his life since we parted ways.

I just didn’t know what those changes entailed.  Was he seeing somebody?  Had he forgotten about me that easily, simply because he had Trace back in his life?  I didn’t have any answers, and it was annoying the fuck out of me.  I don’t even know how long I stood in that hallway, but I was pretty close to tears.  I felt like such an idiot, and I wanted to run and hide, lock myself away in one of the offices so nobody would find me.  So Justin wouldn’t spot me and tell me how lame and stupid I was.

So he couldn't remind me that everything he was put through was my fault.

“Shit, I’ve been looking all over for you.”

His voice came in a rushed whisper, and when I turned to face Trace, he looked equally as stressed out as I knew I did.  I had lost track of all time by then, but knew I must have been standing there for a good half hour.  The interview was surely in it’s beginning stages too, and I didn’t understand why Trace had made it a point to seek me out when Justin probably needed him there.  “You’re supposed to be in the studio,” I said, sliding myself away from him as he attempted to put his arm around me.  

“Justin’s fine for now,” he told me, sternly.  “How are you?”

I just shrugged, and found I couldn’t look at him, only at the floor.  “I don’t know.  If I stay here, and don’t talk to anybody, I should be okay.”

He sighed.  “You can’t do that.  They’ll be wondering what happened to you.”

I looked up at him again, and my bottom lip started to tremble, along with the rest of my body.  “What am I supposed to do, Trace?”

“Look he doesn't even know you’re here,” he told me gently.  “Just go about your business, and I’ll try to make sure you stay out of his line of vision.”

“You know me running into him is inevitable,” I groaned.  “Sooner or later somebody is going to want me to bring you guys something.”

“I’ll do it for you then,” he said, desperately.  “I’ll figure it out.”r32;
“You can’t,” I said harshly, pushing myself away from the wall.  “You can’t protect me forever, Trace.”  

I was tempted to get on the issue of Tarin and her pregnancy then, but he looked so stressed out.  More stressed out than I’d seen him look in a really long time, and I didn’t have the heart to put more pressure on him then.  Despite the fact that I thought his attempts to protect me were getting lame, I couldn't’ deny that he was simply trying to be my best friend, the guy I’d grown up with.  He hated what Justin had done to me, and  he didn’t want to see me get hurt by him again, but he didn’t understand.  Deep down, a big part of me knew Justin wouldn’t have hurt me like that again.  He’d changed.  I saw it in the paparazzi pictures on the computer the previous week, and I heard it in his voice that very day.  It was like he’d transformed himself...

Like the guy I’d been hoping and praying for to reappear was back, and hopefully...back for good.

“I don’t want him to hurt you anymore,” Trace whispered a moment later.  “You deserve better than that, Ker.”

I looked him right in the eye then, not holding back my feelings as I responded to him this time.  “Justin wouldn’t hurt me again.  He’s changed, I know he has.”

Trace shrugged.  “I don’t trust it.”

“It’s not about trust anymore,” I whispered.  “It’s about him being different, and I don’t know what’s helped him to change but...whatever it was, worked.  I heard him laughing and talking before.  He sounds like the Justin I used to know.”

He smirked, just slightly, but it quickly faded away.  “Yeah.  I mean, I know he’s changed but...I can’t get over this.  I can’t get over what he did.”
“You need to let it go for now,” I said, as I started off down the hallway.  “After all, if I hadn’t lost it and told you about it the other day, you’d still be oblivious.”

“But you told me,” I heard him call back.  “So I have to live with this shit, faking my friendship with him for now so your future won’t get fucked by David.  Do you know how hard that is?  To smile and laugh with him, even though on the inside I want to kick his ass?”

I paused and turned back to face him, narrowing my eyes angrily because he seemed to be thinking of the stupidest shit to say at that moment.  “I never told you to do any of that,” I snapped.  “You did what you did for me, and yeah...I”m grateful, Trace.  But at the same time, you’re sacrificing your happiness for no reason at all.”

“So you’re saying that your not worth fighting for?”

I shook my head sadly.  “I really don’t think so.”

He just let out a sad laugh, and I decided to leave our conversation at that.  I knew I’d end up seeing him later on that day anyway, and so I simply retreated down the hallway, praying I could find something to busy myself with that would keep me far away from the studio and the people that dwelled inside of it.  I ended up doing mindless research work that Tarin had given to me in the beginning of the week, that really didn’t need to be looked at until Justin’s interview had blown over.  Nevertheless, I did the best I could to lose myself in it, and I almost succeeded until...

“Kerri...”  

Tarin’s voice had blared over the speaker phone and I quickly looked all around to make sure nobody else was eavesdropping on me.  “Yeah,” I said, a little too breathlessly.  “I’m here.”

“We need coffee, stat.  I left the order with security downstairs, do you think you can get it?”

I sucked in a breath.  I mean, I figured it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.  She never said I had to hand deliver it to them, only fill the order.  I reassured myself that she would meet me half way, take the coffee from me as soon as I got back from Starbucks,  and I wouldn’t have to face Justin.  With this in mind,I cheerfully agreed and told her it was no problem.  Minutes later I was on my way to Starbucks, list in hand, snickering to myself when I saw a request for a large black coffee.  I knew it must have been Justin’s.  Black coffee was his stress reliever, always had been.  Then I got a little nervous, because I realized he must have been stressed out over something.  I hadn’t been listening to the interview of course, so I had no idea what had been going on, or what he might have been told during commercial breaks.

Half of me hoped he knew I was just feet away from him.

But the better part of me knew he despised the idea.

Naturally, the line was long.  A gaggle of teenage girls stood in front of me waiting to place their order, and by causally listening to their conversation I could tell that they were waiting around to get a glimpse of Justin.  They giggled and laughed together, as they made fun of one girl in particular over her reaction upon seeing Justin get out of his car.  It was hilarious to watch them, sort of made me wish I could introduce myself...

But that was a little far fetched considering the situation I was in.

I got my coffee order filled, what seemed like an hour later.  When I checked my cell phone, I had two different texts from Tarin asking me what was taking so long, and I felt really stupid.  Of all the days for there to be a line, it had to be the day Justin was around.  I just wanted to get the coffee and drop it off, go back into hiding so I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing Justin for the rest of the day.  Things couldn’t be that simple of course.  No, Tarin wasn’t patiently waiting for me in the lobby like I’d hoped.  Security handed me the phone as soon as I set foot back into the building, and she proceeded to snap in my ear that I needed to get upstairs with the coffee because they were supposed to go to air.  My body was literally shaking the entire elevator ride to the main floor, and even more so when I started to make my way across the office and to the entrance of the studio.  I could see Justin’s backside through one of the  large windows that showcased the interior of the sound booth, and I almost dropped the tray in my arms.  It had been too long.

I was completely unprepared, despite the fact that I thought I could handle it.

I knew I had to suck it all up though.  I was at work after all, and David, despite the fact that he was a complete asshole, was sitting in the studio as my superior and I didn’t want to give him a reason to humiliate me in front of Justin, or Trace for that matter.  Things were ugly enough between David and Trace as it was, and I didn’t want Justin to be thrust into the middle of that situation.  Drawing in a long breath, I quickly entered the room and raced over to where Tarin sat, immediately feeling eyes boring into my backside as I pulled Tarin’s coffee out of the tray and handed it to her. "Sorry.  I just...the cashier, she didn't give me the right change, and there was a line.  I'm sorry."

Tarin took the coffee with a confused expression, her eyes seeming to ask me a thousand questions in that moment that I couldn’t possibly answer.  I figured the best thing to do, was pass out the rest of the coffee and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.  But I guess my plan sort of failed when I handed Eric his iced tea.  His eyes met mine, and he started to snicker as if my presence was very amusing to him.

“Small fuckin’ world,” he laughed as he stuck his straw in the cup.  “How you doin’ girl?”

I swallowed hard.  The room was completely silent now, you could have heard a mouse fart or something, and it was making me even more nervous than I’d already been.  “I’m okay,” I managed to get out, with a reasonable tone, before quickly moving onto the next person, who happened to be Trace.  I handed him his coffee, and he met my gaze with a regretful expression, most likely caused by the fact that Justin was sitting directly across from him, probably staring at me like I was some kind of ghost.  

Then I turned around.

He looked amazing.  That was the first thing that crossed my mind.  In all the months since the kidnapping and the clinic, I’d never seen so much color in his face, so much care and pride in his appearance.  No, he wasn’t smiling, but there was a light in his eyes.  The light that used to fill them when he looked at me...when we were younger, before our three year separation.  The next thing that crossed my mind was the fact that he was staring at me.  No, more like gawking.  Yeah, he was definitely gawking at me.  It was like he couldn’t believe I was really there.  Hell, I couldn’t believe he was there either, but I couldn’t say any of that to him.  I couldn’t even smile.  The only thing that I could seem to get out was “Black,” as I handed him his monstrosity of a coffee.

He didn’t move.

“Black,” I persisted, feeling my face becoming hot, knowing I was about to break down crying if he continued to stare at me like he was.  I didn’t know what the hell to do, and apparently, he didn’t either.  By some grace of God, he managed to extend his arm out to me a few seconds later so I could hand him the coffee.  Our fingers brushed against each others, and I felt a surge of electricity shoot through my body at his touch.  God, I missed him.

I was crazy about him.

Shit, I was in love with him.  I was in love with him, and he’d done horrible things to me.  But it didn’t matter.  I wasn’t even thinking about that.  The only thing I could think about was the Justin I had known so long ago, and that...he may have returned.  I wanted him back, but I had no idea how to even begin to get his attention again.

“Thank you,” he croaked after a moment.

I looked at the floor.  “Yeah.”

I was so ready to get out of there, as I don’t think I’d ever felt so awkward in my life up until that moment.  Unfortunately for me though, David wasn’t about to let me escape that easily.  For some reason, he was in a great mood.  Such a great mood in fact, that he decided to treat me like a member of the human race for that particular moment in time.

He introduced me as some coffee fetching girl wonder, and everybody applauded in response.  Well, everybody except for Trace and Justin, but that was to be expected.  I’d glanced at Tarin then, and naturally she looked confused as hell.  I didn’t know what I was going to tell her after the day ended, but I knew it could be anything except the truth.  It sucked, because we had been getting along so well, but at the same time, what happened between Justin and I was nobody’s business really.  Not even Trace’s, but...I had told him because I felt I had no other alternative.

I hoped she could understand.

“You should stay,” David told me with a smile after a minute.  “Watch the interview, Ker.  It’s fine.”

I wanted to rip him apart, tell him that he shouldn’t act so fake in front of a prominent guest of the station, but I knew it would have been bad for everybody involved.  It was a professional setting, and I managed enough stamina to hold my head high and flash him a smile, even if it wasn’t genuine.  “Oh no,” I laughed.  “I have a lot to do.”

I heard Justin slurping his coffee, and I knew he’d just become that much more nervous with the idea of me sitting in the same room as him.  I wanted to run away then.  Far away and hide so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore.  

“It’s okay, Kerri,” Tarin spoke up several moments later, seeming to sense how tense I had become at David’s suggestion.  “I’ll see you after, all right?”

I let out a long, slow breath and sent her a thankful look.  “Okay.”  I started towards the door like some kind of crazy woman, nearly getting out, when David spoke up yet again.

“Well at least take a picture you two,” he said brightly.  “You’re old friends after all.”

I wanted to kill myself, or kill David.  It was a complete toss up.  Of course I didn’t make my emotions obvious.  As if on cue, I turned back around, a small smile on my face so I could please the crowd.  I shouldn’t have.  I should have kept on going, as if I didn’t hear him, but I guess it was my fear of the guy that forced me to stay in there rather than run away.  Or maybe...it was just my fear of being humiliated in front of Justin.

“Don’t we have to go to air?” Trace spoke up for the first time since I’d entered the room, the pain and fear in his voice more than obvious to me.  I didn’t look at him.  I couldn’t.  I knew if I did that would have been it.  I would have broken down right there, and I never would have been able to pull myself together again.

“There’s enough time,” Tarin snapped at him, her hands on her hips.  I knew she was angry at Trace then, probably because she knew something was going on that he hadn’t told her.  If things had been slightly different, if we still weren’t getting along, I probably would have been happy that she had found out how much Trace was in fact keeping from her.  But things were better.  She was carrying Trace’s child inside of her, and we had both decided to put the bad feelings behind us and get along.  It just sucked...the whole thing, and I wished like hell that I could go back in time then.  I would have been more careful, I would have made sure nothing bad happened to us when we went home for my parents anniversary.

But they were stupid, pointless wishes.  Nothing was going to change because I wanted it to, and the reality of our situation was beginning to effect people that weren’t directly involved.

There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

Justin was staring at me.  I could feel it, and so, I looked back at him.  It wasn’t a cold look.  It was more like...he was trying to apologize to me for how awkward the situation had become.  I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, that none of it was, but I couldn’t find my voice.  Neither could he, it seemed.  But that was okay.

“Here,” David smiled as he pulled a camera out of his pocket.  “Tarin, you get in too.  It’ll look great on the website.”

Justin was still sitting in his chair, looking like he didn’t know what the fuck to make of the whole thing.  The only thought that came to my mind then, was to get out, get away from him.  I thought of Susan then, about our agreement that I would stay away from Justin for a good amount of time.  It sucked.  I knew she would have been disappointed in me.  “I really have to go do...” I started to explain to David, nervously.

“I’m telling you that it can wait,” he harshly interrupted me, throwing an arm around my shoulder.  “Okay?”

I knew I had no choice.  It was either obey David or be humiliated, and so, I decided to cooperate for the good of what little sanity I had left.  “Yeah...okay,” I squeaked out starting to fidget nervously as I watched Justin get up from his chair.  Thankfully, Tarin decided to step in between us just before David could set the picture up.  Shit, was I thankful.  I didn’t want to be shoulder to shoulder with Justin then.  It was just too soon to be touched by him after so much had happened.  I tried to pretend he wasn’t even there, and simply focused on Tarin, pretending that the picture was of us and nobody else.

“Smile!,” David said excitedly as he held the camera in front of him.

Everything was a blur after that.  I don’t remember if I smiled, or blinked, but David seemed happy with the results so that was all that mattered to me.  He took a few pictures.  Some of Justin Tarin and myself, and a couple with Justin, JoJo and myself.  I think I held my breath for the entire duration, and when David finally backed off, it took all the strength inside of me not to run out the door, screaming to the high heavens that I was going insane

“Meet me later on, by my desk,” Tarin told me, before I could make a run for it.  

I nodded slightly, but couldn’t meet her gaze.  I don’t think I had to though, she’d seen enough to know how uncomfortable my presence had made Justin, and I was sure that she’d ask me plenty of questions when we were alone again.  I didn’t allow myself to dwell on that meeting however.  The only thing i’d been concerned about then was getting out, being alone, so I could sort out my head.

And finally, I was able to do that.

I quickly made it to the nearest exit, and pushed my way through the door, having to lean over the small railing because I thought I was going to throw up.  Thankfully, this particular exit took me out into a small alley, so I was alone in my misery and fear.  It took me back to a time that I desperately didn’t want to remember...when I was literally moments from death, listening to Shane dig the dirt out of that ditch.  I remember feeling more helpless than I ever felt in my life, and when I’d looked up in that instant, the one where I saw Justin slowly creeping towards me, I had never been so thankful to have him in my life.  He was strong, and brave...determined to defeat our captors and get out of our situation alive.

He saved my life.

I started to take slow, even, breaths as I leaned over that railing, and after a while the intense nausea started to subside.  I was finally able to straighten myself minutes later, and I slowly sat down on the cement steps, clutching my stomach and rocking myself back and forth a little bit, trying to make sense of what had taken place.  I couldn’t help but wonder how Justin was making it through the rest of his interview, and I’ll admit I felt sorry for him.  I could run away from all of that, but Justin...he still had to smile, and act like everything was just great.  

But maybe he deserved it.

I was so fucking confused, because I knew he did...but I didn’t want him to suffer at the same time.  It was crazy, and I realized then just how intense my feelings still were for Justin.  Sure, I had known I still cared about him, but after seeing him...I just knew I was supposed to be with him.  I was the only one who truly understood what he’d gone through, the one who could make all of his pain go away.  It took every ounce of strength inside of me not to go running back to him then, telling him that I cared about him and that I wanted him back.  It wasn’t the time or the place, but I was determined to get that chance...eventually.

“Kerri.”  

I didn’t bother looking behind me, because I knew who it was.  I’d fully expected Trace to come searching for me, but I really wasn’t in the mood for a lecture, or to listen to him tell me that I had to stay away from Justin.  I wasn’t a child, and I could make my own decisions.  “Trace...just...”

He plopped down next to me on the steps, and huffed loudly.  “I’ll fucking kill him for what he did.”

“Trace...no,” I’d whimpered, trying as hard as I could to hold my tears back.  “It’s over okay?  I’m past it.”

“You’re full of shit, Kerrigan,” he snapped.  “Look at you, I mean fuck, you got the guy coffee and it’s turned into a damn tragedy.”

“I just haven’t seen him in so long...” I trailed off and looked down at my lap.  “He...he looks good, Trace.”  I felt so damn pathetic for letting that slip out, and I knew he would think I was nuts, but I didn’t care.

“Aw Christ, don’t start in now.”

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and automatically fished one out and lit it up.  It was rare, something he hadn’t really done since before I’d taken over his job as personal assistant to Justin.  It meant he was having extreme anxiety and I felt horrible.  Things were going on with him that were more important than the status of myself and Justin, and what he did to me.  “Trace, you don’t need to do this to yourself anymore, okay?” I reached out then, and yanked the cigarette out of his hand, tossing it someplace in front of me.

“Hey!”

“When were you going to tell me that Tarin got pregnant?” I snapped.  “I mean, is that just another everyday thing to you?  Were you going to send me a card from the emergency room after she gave birth?”

He stared at me for a long time after that, eyes wide, mouth open slightly like he couldn’t believe that I knew...or that I was protesting the fact he hadn’t told me.  “Who told you that?”

“Tarin.” I rolled my eyes.  “Despite what you think, we manage to be civil every now and then.”

I heard him sigh heavily, and when I managed to look back over at him, I found that he’d actually let go of his emotions.  His head was buried in his hands, and by the way his body was shaking, I knew he’d broken down.  I didn’t blame him, because I was sure he was scared fucking shitless.  “DId you tell your mom?”r32;
“Justin doesn’t even know,” he muttered.

“Whoa,” I said softly.  

He picked up his head after a moment, and met my gaze, wiping at his face to clear the tears off of it.  “I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do, Kerri.  I don’t know anything about kids, or about taking care of them.  It was like...one day I was fucking around with Tarin like a stupid kid, and the next we’re at an ultra sound.”  He shook his head.  “My mom is gonna shit, and I don’t even know what I’m going to say to make it sound good.  As it is, she thinks I’m dating some kind of slut.”

“Your mom is famous for overreacting,” I laughed lightly.  “I mean, I know where you get it from.”

He scoffed.  “Bitch.”

I raised an eyebrow.  “I learned from the best.”

The sudden ringing of his cellphone cut our conversation short, and I was really curious as to who would have been calling him.  I mean, yeah I know Trace gets phone calls constantly that are related to Justin, but usually when he’s at a radio event, people know not to call.  I guess that’s why he gave whoever it was a little bit of an attitude.

“I”m working,” he grunted into the phone.  “So what do you need?”  Then he stopped, and listened with a scowl on his face the entire time, before continuing on.  “He’s fine, Mel.  You need to stop mothering him.  It’s really busy here right now, and I don’t have time to sit here and console you.  Justin’s a big boy and you have to learn that you can’t keep calling him over and over when he’s on business.”

Shit, was I confused.  It almost sounded like somebody that either worked for Justin, or that was...friends with Justin, was on the line.  It made me nervous, sort of like I wanted to puke all over again.  I wouldn’t allow myself to think of a word such as “girlfriend” or the phrase ‘somebody Justin was dating”.  The idea of any of that was unacceptable to me, because I was the only one who qualified for that position, as far as I was concerned.  “Who is that?” I hissed at Trace moments later.

He glanced at me slightly.  “Whatever, Mel,” he said, as he tore his gaze away from mine.  “I gotta go.”

It was silent once he hung up, and I wasn’t sure what to think.  Naturally there were a thousand questions I wanted to ask him, but to keep him from thinking I was a psychotic weirdo, I simply repeated my original one.  “Who was that, Trace?”

“No one.”  He said it all too quickly as he shoved his phone into his pocket.  

“GIve me a break.” I glared at him and nudged him in the shoulder.  

“She’s...she cleans Justin’s place up for him, that’s all.  Her names Melissa,” he said, finally meeting my gaze again.  “Sometimes she acts like she’s his mom or something...hell, I dunno.”

I laughed for the first time all day.  “Sounds like a pathetic idiot.”

He barely chuckled.  “I dunno.  She does her job.”

I rolled my eyes.  “You don’t have to be so secretive, you know.”

“It’s not a big deal, all right?” He said, seemingly trying to shrug the subject away.  “Are you really okay?” He asked me quickly.  “Ker...I mean, my situation aside...today’s been crazy.  Justin doesn’t even know half the shit that’s gone down.  He’s not going to understand why I did this, and I know it’s going to get ugly later on.  You know how he is.”

I wanted to press him further about the supposed cleaning lady that called.  Of course, I wanted to believe Trace, but I knew him, and I knew his looks and his tone of voice.  Deep down, I knew that he was keeping something from me, but I also knew that if I pushed him about it, he’d simply get pissed off and the last thing I wanted was to get into an argument with him.  The day had been hectic enough as it was.  I figured whatever it was, I’d get out of him eventually, so I decided to let it go and focus on the next subject.

“So you’re going to let him get the last word,” I laughed.  “You’ll never change, will you?”

“What the fuck...what the hell does that mean?”

“You need to stand up to him at some point, Trace.  I mean, I know you try to act all big and tough like nobody has an advantage over you...but I know Justin still gets his way when it comes to your friendship.  You’ll never stand up to him, no matter what.”

He stood up and gritted his teeth, frustrated with my statement.  Hell, I don’t know what had come over me then.  I guess I’d just seen it so much...Justin having the rule over Trace, always having the final say.  Even with the whole Shane thing, Justin had said the unforgivable, and yet Trace still forgave him.  

“You appreciate nothing, do you?” He grunted.  “All the shit I do to fix your messes and all you can do is tell me I’m a weak piece of shit.”

I crossed my arms and shook my head.  “That’s not what I’m saying.  I’m saying that you never stand up to him.”

“And you do? You’re fucking obsessed with him, Kerri!”

“This isn’t about me.”  I rose to my feet, a shot him a disgusted look.  “This is about your friendship with him.  You did what you did for a good cause, for you girlfriends future and for mine.  Hell, Trace, Justin knows he’s a shit head okay?  He did a fucking horrible thing to me, and he hasn’t confessed to anything.  For him to yell at you for this, is pretty fucked up don’t you think?”

“Yeah it is, but you know he’s going to act like I’m the asshole.”

“So don’t let him,” I muttered, beginning to walk away from him.  “Maybe you should tell him how you really feel.”
 
“Right,” I heard him chuckle sadly.  

I didn’t answer him, and kept on walking until I reached another entrance to the building down at the end of the alley.  As soon as I opened the door, I could feel my cell vibrating in my pocket and I groaned slightly, thinking Trace had begun to text me with more stupid shit.  I yanked it out of my pocket, and stared at the screen with a frown, but I found that it wasn’t Trace at all.  It was David.  Not that he was any better, but I figured that maybe whatever he wanted me to do would take my mind off of the day for the time being.

I need you upstairs.  Now.

It seemed like he was in a mood, and a big part of me knew better than to follow his orders after what he’d done to me, but I figured he would only make my day harder if I hesitated.  I took the elevator up to the executive level, trying my best to make it look like I hadn’t been upset, so he wouldn’t ask questions.  When I got off, I found David standing outside of his office, leaning against the wall, perking up slightly when he noticed me coming towards him.

“I got your text,” I said, not really looking at him.  “What’s up?”

His nonchalant expression quickly turned into a cold glare.  “You always have to fuck something up for me, don’t you Kerri?”

I stared at him for several moments, confused as hell.  For a moment I thought Justin might have said something to him about me, and that he was angry he wasn’t told I was going to be around before he came.  If so, I knew David was probably embarrassed, and all the work that Trace had done to save my ass was going to fall apart within a few minutes.  “David...I...”r32;
“I mean, I send you to get me a fucking coffee and you can’t get the damn order right,” he snapped at me harshly, and pushed himself away from the wall.  “Or maybe you just did it to get some revenge, right?”

It was hard not to laugh at him, because I quickly realize he wasn’t angry about Justin at all.  In fact, I seriously doubted he had a clue as to how uncomfortable Justin was around me.  It was his coffee.  It had gotten screwed up and I was to blame.  He was such a selfish fucking bastard that I felt like kicking him in the balls, but naturally...I didn’t have enough guts to do it.

“I knew it.” He smiled smugly as he stepped up to me and put his face right in front of mine.  “Little prude bitch like yourself thought you’d try to fuck up the one thing that sets me straight during the day.”

“David...”

“Shut up.”

His tone was harsh now, abusive, and I started to get very uneasy.  The day had been hard enough as it was, and now I had to put up with David’s mood.  My bottom lip started quivering again, and soon I was sobbing quietly.  “I’m sorry,” I told him, pathetically.

"What did I tell you?" He continued on, shaking his coffee cup in my face like I was some kind of criminal.

I wanted to say a lot of things to him, curse him to the high heavens, but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t even look him in the face, only at the floor, as I responded to him.  "I told them black, two sugars, David."

"Well it doesn't fucking taste like black with two sugars.  It tastes like they poured the whole canister of sugar into the cup!" 

Then he hurled the coffee at me.  Visions flashed through my mind then, of Justin yelling and throwing that glass picture frame at me. I felt myself duck down and scream just like I had done back then, as the cup hit the wall and splattered all over the hallway.

"Stupid fuckin bitch.  You're lucky Trace is sticking his neck out for you, or you'd be out on your ass.  Now go limp your way back to Starbucks and get my coffee order right this time."

"O-okay." I sniffled, my entire body shaking as I slowly began to pick myself up off the floor. "Okay."

"Okay..." He mimicked me in a girlish tone.  "Get the fuck out of here!"

From the corner of my eye I saw somebody step out from the opposite hallway, and when I glanced in the direction to get a better view, I felt my heart stop.  Justin was standing there.  Out of all the people milling around the station, it had to be him, and I had no idea why.  It was so fucking ridiculous, because he didn’t belong there.  He belonged downstairs with his security and publicist, smiling and acting like everything was perfectly fine.  

Why was he constantly coming to my rescue?

"What's going on David?"  He flashed David a calm, but sarcastic smile, and crossed his arms. 

And I knew that Justin had forgotten all about what he’d done, and all the bad shit that went on between us then.  He was only concerned about me, and what David had just done.

I couldn’t do anything but stand there and stare.

"Hey-ey, Justin."  David laughed nervously. "Just um...you know, explaining things to her."

"Ha."  He looked down at the floor for just a moment, before storming over to David and lifting him up off the floor, slamming his body against the wall. "What exactly were you explaining, Dave?"

"I...I...um..."  He stuttered and his eyes widened with fear, because he knew he’d been caught red handed.  "Justin, you know...it's all right.  I'm really sorry.  I am.  Kerri, you know I'm sorry right?  We're cool. Tell him."

I distinctly remembered telling Tarin that one day David was going to get his, and a joyful feeling began to form inside of me, because I thought that moment had finally come. After everything he’d done to Tarin and myself, he was finally being put in his place by somebody that he had no power over.

It was great.

"Kerri! Tell him!"

Justin smirked at me like he had so many times in the past.  Like we were friends.  Like we were a team.  "Yeah, Ker.  Tell me."

"He's a womanizing son of a bitch." I whispered, managing to find the strength inside of me to forget about the past for the moment, so I could show David what it felt like to be humiliated. "He demoted me because I wouldn't sleep with him.  You can go and ask Tarin.  She'll tell you all about it.  He did it to her too, for years."

David laughed.  "Come on.  You're gonna believe her? She's just bitter that's all."

His comment only caused Justin to shove him harder into the wall.  “You touched her?”

"N-no,” David whimpered.  “No I didn't!"

Justin’s lip curled in a defiant sneer as he let go of David and watched him slide down to the floor. I knew then that he too was entirely too smart for David’s bullshit. "I don't believe you."

"I just lost my temper," David whimpered again.

Justin smiled, as if a playful idea had suddenly crept into his head.  I just kept on staring, like a fool as he began to speak again.

“When I’m done with you, you’re going to be getting coffee for the janitors.  Now get the fuck out of here, before I bring this shit downstairs in front of your entire staff.”

I watched David do something I never thought I’d live to see.  He scrambled to his feet and ran as fast as he could into his office, slamming the door behind him.  I was shocked, and I’m sure my expression gave my emotions away.  Justin on the other hand, was getting a kick out of David’s actions.  He was laughing and smiling, seemingly having forgotten the situation and that I was even there.  For a split second I thought about slinking away, so I wouldn’t have to talk to him.  But the part of me that had been longing for him so badly, just wouldn’t let me do it.

It took a good couple of minutes, but he finally turned to face me.  He stared at me, and I stared back, neither of us knowing exactly what to do.  He’d never know it, because I’m sure I looked scared shitless then, but I was actually happy.  Looking into his eyes, was probably the one thing I’d missed the most since we’d been apart, and I’d gotten it back.  It made me want to fall at his feet and cry, tell him how much I needed him.

But the better part of me told me to keep all the dignity I could for the time being.

“You okay?” Was the first thing he asked me, his tone filled with sincere concern.

I nodded, my eyes taking turns shifting themselves from his eyes to the floor.  “I am.”

“He touched you?” He asked me immediately.

He knew something happened between David and I, but I desperately didn’t want him to think I’d actually slept with the guy.  Despite the fact that Justin had his share of women, it didn’t mean he wanted me to follow his example.  I had always been separate from that whole Hollywood sex game.  I was a normal, nice girl, from Tennessee who had grown up across the street from him, probably the most innocent girl he would ever know, and I didn’t want that image to change.  “It’s nothing worse than what I’ve been through, Justin,” I managed to say, seriously, figuring it would sound like anything I had done...hadn’t been willingly.  I placed a hand to my forehead and felt my face turning red.   It was enough.  I wasn’t ready for more, and I needed to get away from him...fast.  “I have to go though.”

I began to walk away from him quickly, half of me praying he’d call me back, but the better part of me knowing it was best for my sanity if the conversation was left at that.

"K-Ker.”

Of course, I should have known Justin wasn’t going to let me go that easily.  Not after what he’d done to me.  I stopped in my tracks, and glanced back at him over my shoulder.  I felt the tears hot on my face, and I wasn’t exactly sure how long I’d been crying, but felt stupid for succumbing to my emotions in front of him.  “Yeah,” I croaked.

He looked down at the floor and shook his head.  “I don’t even know.”

I expected that from him.  Justin never knew what to say, but he was really good at fucking things up.  He didn’t deserve the time of day from me then, and I knew that Trace would have given me hell if he knew I was giving Justin a chance to talk.  I couldn’t ignore him though...I just couldn’t do it.  It was like this terrific force inside of me was making me stay...making me care about him still.  “I’m doing okay,” I told him softly.  “I’ll be okay.”

His  metallic blue gaze met mine again, searching my expression for some glimmer of hope that I didn’t hate him.  God, how I wanted to tell him I didn’t hate him...that I loved him.  But I knew it would have only confused him more, and possibly drove him away from me again.  “Can you forgive me, Kerrigan?,” he asked, his voice quivering.

I let out a sharp sob, his question nearly knocking the wind out of me.  He was, for the first time, trying to come to terms with what he’d done to me.  It was confusing, and heartwarming at the same time.  He cared, that was the one thing repeating itself over and over in my mind.  Justin still cared about me, and I felt myself crumbling...melting into the silly girl who was head over heels in love with him.

I had to stop.
 
"I don't know." I wiped at my eyes hard, and tried my best to stop crying.

He nodded and sucked in his bottom lip, seeming to understand my confusion.  "If you need anything..."

"I'm doing okay," I repeated quickly.  It was so stupid.  There were so many other things I could have said to him, but I guess I didn’t have it in me to get the words out.  "Just go, Justin.  Go back downstairs and find Trace and Tarin.  They'll be wondering what's going on otherwise."

I expected him to agree with me, become professional again, and maybe...set up a lunch date with me in the near future.  The Justin I saw in the paparazzi pictures, and that came into the radio station that morning would have.  But... I should have known that was all a farce, a way from him to get his career back and put Shane to the back of his mind for good.  I was proud of him for seeming to have overcome most of that.  He was sure as hell ahead of me as far as sanity went.  In that moment though, I saw him slip back into the person I’d left months before.  The shell of the kid I’d grown up with.  The fearful one, the terrified one, the sad and miserable one.

Justin started to sob hard, and slid down the floor like he was falling apart.  Like the day he’d killed Shane and Nathan, and we’d held each other in that disgusting house.  It was exactly like that.

But this time he wasn’t crying about the rape, he was crying because he’d hurt me.

Surely I was crazy, because the next thing I knew, I had knelt down beside him and wrapped my arms around him, allowing him to cry against me.  He clung to me, like he had so many times in the past, and I let him.  I let him touch me for the first time since he’d done the unspeakable.

And it felt so fucking good to be in his arms again.

“You should go,” he sobbed into me.  “I’m not worth it, Ker.  I’m not fucking worth it.”

I had so many questions to ask him, and in that moment I knew I could have asked him anything and he would have given me an honest answer.  I should have asked what in the world made him think it was okay to hit me like he did, treat me like he did...have sex with me like he did, and not care about how I would feel in the end.  But I didn’t.  Stupid fucking me.  The only question I could think of to ask him was:

"Do you still love me?"

He jerked away from me quickly, and snapped his head up to meet my gaze. "What?"

"Do you?" I searched his eyes desperately, praying to God that he’d tell me that he did.  That he’d been so scared for so long that he’d lost me, and the only thing he wanted was for us to be together.  He’d tell me that he’d changed, that he’d gotten his head together, and that he was ready to love me again, full force.

"I...Kerri...I....I mean, of course.  I'll always love you."  He said softly, as he hung his head low and rubbed at his eyes to wipe his tears away.