That was all I needed. He’d said it and I knew it was true. We really were meant to be together, and all of the hardships we’d been put through must have been a test. A test to prove to one another how we could survive it all and still love each other just as much.
"Listen to me," I said, my tone a little harsh because I was fighting so damn hard to keep my raw emotion locked up inside of me. I knew it was neither the time or the place to kiss Justin full on the lips. I mean, if anybody saw us like that, it would have been disastrous. I may have been crazy but I wasn’t stupid, and while it was hard, I knew the best thing to do was to send him on his way and let everything blow over a little bit before we saw each other again. "You're going to stop crying, get yourself together and go back downstairs like nothing happened. Do you understand me?"
He shook his head harshly. "I can't..."
"You have to," I said, giving him a reassuring nod. "You have to do it for me, Justin. For your reputation. Nobody can know about this."
I knew it pained him to leave me. He most likely wanted to talk, to sort things out, but Justin wasn’t stupid. He knew the same thing that I did...that people were waiting on him and expected him to give them what they wanted. It really sucked, but our situation simply had to wait and I was glad he was sane enough to understand that. "O-okay." He nodded furiously. "Okay I'll do it."
"Good." I stood up and wiped my eyes again, making sure that Justin got to his feet as well before I spoke again. "Go, Justin."
Naturally, he hesitated. "But.."
"Damn it! Go! Get out of here!"
I hated to yell at him but I had no other choice. If I didn’t persist, we would have stood in that hallway staring at each other...or worse, before someone found us. He turned his back on me then, painstakingly, and I made sure to do the same. I didn’t look back, and was never more thankful when I rounded the corner and reached the elevators again.
I made myself scarce after that so that I wouldn’t have a chance of running into David or Justin for the rest of the day. I even went as far as pulling one of the younger interns aside, telling her to let me know when Justin was out of the building. Naturally, she seemed confused but didn’t ask questions. First year interns seemed to be the only ones that actually gave me some clout in the building, deeming me as Tarin’s assistant rather than a standard intern, so I knew I could trust her. It took a couple of hours, and lots of rounds of computer solitaire, before I received a text from her saying all was clear. It was only then that I reemerged into the general office area again, running into Tarin almost immediately.
“We need to talk.”
“But...”
She yanked me by the arm and pulled me into an office, shutting the door behind her. I tried to run away, but she pushed me up against the wall.
“You know how we’ve been cool?” She asked me, in a sarcastic tone. “This isn’t one of those times.”
“Tarin...”
“What the hell happened?” She said, exasperated. “I mean, you could have embarrassed us all!”
“Tarin.” I roughly pushed her off of me. “You don’t get it okay? I mean, I’m sorry I made you feel...bad or whatever, but I just wasn’t expecting this.”
She placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at me. “You weren’t expecting it? Fuck, Kerri, you knew he was coming for a week! Why didn’t you say anything? What the hell is going on? I know Trace is in on it too, and I’m really fucking pissed off because I’m being kept in the dark, and apparently Justin was too. When he saw you, he looked like he’d seen a fucking ghost!”
She was really pissed off, and for good reason. Her boyfriend was keeping something from her, and if I had been in her shoes, I’m sure I would have been acting the same way. I mean, she was his girlfriend, and he loved her. At least, I thought he did. But the situation was complicated, and there were a lot of things she couldn’t know, and Trace knew that, so I was pretty sure he’d done the right thing by keeping her out of it. Besides, he’d pulled as many strings for her with the deal as he had for me, she just didn’t know it yet. “We’ve had a hard time,” I whispered. “I haven’t spoken to him in awhile, and I guess he didn’t know I worked here.”
“So why wouldn’t you have said something then! God, do you realize he could have walked out on us because of that?”
I shook my head. “He wouldn’t have done that.”
“Oh, so you’re the expert on Justin?” She laughed and crossed her arms, as if I was a fool. “Give me a fucking break, Kerri.”
She didn’t get it, I knew she never would, and I certainty wasn’t about to break down and tell her everything. While we were working on becoming more civil for the sake of her baby and Trace, I knew I’d never feel close enough to confide in her like that. “I don’t expect you to get it, Tarin,” I said quietly. “And I’m sorry if I fucked up your day.”
She stared at me for awhile, seemingly contemplating a response. I wanted to run away from her then, call Cooper so he could get me the hell out of there, but at the same time I knew that would anger Tarin even more, and she would probably make my life a living hell at the station all over again.
“I got promoted today,” she told me suddenly, with an inquisitive expression. “Did you know anything about that, Kerri?”
I sort of froze, and swore I could feel my heart start and stop again. While Trace hadn’t mentioned it to me, I was sure her promotion had to do with Trace’s deal with David. I had no idea what to tell her, but I knew I couldn’t tell her the truth. “No,” I said stupidly. “But...why does it matter anyway? You got what you wanted, that’s a good thing right?”
She just shrugged. “This are so fucking complicated right now, I can’t even be happy about it. That’s the most messed up thing, and now when I need Trace to be here, he’s not. He’s probably hanging out with Justin and trying to fix his problems.”
I snorted out a laugh, not deliberately of course. Of course, I knew that Trace was probably doing anything but trying to make Justin feel less guilty about what he did. I started to wonder about Trace and Justin then, about what kind of a conversation they were having. I wondered if Trace had taken my advice, stood up to Justin for once, and told him everything that was on his mind.
It would have been a god damn miracle, if so.
“What?” She looked at me oddly. “Why is that funny?”
I sucked in a breath. “Nothing...it’s not.” I rolled my eyes.
“You know more than I do about this, and instead of being decent, and telling me what I really think I have a right to know, you’re just covering up for Trace,” she said darkly. “I know how you two are, sharing every secret under the sun with each other, and it’s bullshit. It’s going to stop, because things are changing now. Trace is going to change, he’s going to start opening up to me more, and pretty soon I’ll know everything Kerri. Maybe you should save yourself the trouble and fill me in before he does.”
She was turning back into the girl I couldn’t stand, and I just didn’t get it. One minute we had made a truce with each other, she had confided in me because I was Trace’s best friend and wanted to know what I thought about her pregnancy, and the next she was my bitter enemy again, determined to take Trace’s attention away from me completely.
But she had no idea what she was up against.
“I’m not telling you anything.” I glared back at her. “If Trace’s wants to tell you what’s going on, or...what’s gone on, that’s his prerogative, but I’m not doing it.” I turned on my heel and opened the door to leave, figuring it was best to leave the conversation at that.
“You’re in love with him aren’t you.”
I paused and glanced back at her over my shoulder, confused but at the same time having a gut instinct as to who she was referring to. “What do you mean?”
“Justin,” she smirked.
I swallowed hard. “No...I mean...no, why would you even think that?”
“Because I’m a girl,” she nodded. “And I saw the way you looked at him, like he was your fucking saving grace. Don’t you have a boyfriend, or was that just some bullshit sympathy story to keep me from being a bitch to you?”
“I’m not in love with Justin,” I grunted, trying as hard as I could to hold back my tears. I knew if I slipped and let myself cry, she’d know my true emotions about Justin right away, and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. “And yeah, I do have a boyfriend, who I’m going home to in just a little while. You should worry about your own, you know...,” I trailed off and eyed her stomach. “...given the situation.”
“Maybe I should ask Trace what he thinks,” she said, basically ignoring my comment. “I”m sure he’d love to give me some insight to your mysterious relationship with Justin.”
If I knew Trace at all, I was sure he wouldn’t want to discuss my relationship with Justin, with his girlfriend. He hated the topic, and had a hell of a lot more important things to talk to Tarin about, anyway. “Do whatever you want,” I grumbled, and walked out the door, not giving her the chance to spout off another remark as to how much of a low life she thought I was.
I called Cooper right away, praying to god that Natalie hadn’t gone home and squealed to him about how she met Justin Timberlake courtesy of me. He answered, seemingly pleased to hear from me, and it was the only thing that had gone my way the entire day. I don’t know how I managed to uphold a conversation with him, like everything was just great, when in reality I felt like I’d been hit by a fucking bus. I guess I didn’t want to bring Cooper down, or piss him off. After all, he was separate from my situation, and I liked to keep it that way.
I agreed to meet him outside, and after what seemed like an eternity of waiting in front of the station for him to pull up, he finally did. I started to walk towards his car, but he got out before I could reach it, big smile on his face...bouquet of flowers in one hand...just for me.
Yep, he loved me.
I felt like a fucking asshole.
“Hey baby!” He came around to meet me, and gave me a simple kiss on the lips. “Long day?”
He handed the flowers to me, and I took them, praying to god that Tarin wasn’t eavesdropping on the whole thing. I knew she’d tell Trace the very second that she was able, and I didn’t need anymore problems. “Yeah, really long,” I managed a soft smile and smelled the flowers for a long moment. “Thank you, they’re beautiful.”
“Not as beautiful as you.”
I cringed inside. “Oh come on. That was cheesy.”
He shrugged and chuckled, a happy gleam in his eyes. “Yeah, it kinda was but...you make me come out with the cheesy stuff. Must be because I’m so giddy when I’m with you.”
“Giddy?” I scoffed. “How much caffeine did you have before you came to pick me up, Coop?”
He laughed out loud and threw his arm around me. “Let’s get out of here.”
The minute I got into his car, I felt like I’d transformed myself. I wasn’t as edgy, I didn’t feel as stupid or foolish. Yes, Justin was still lingering in the back of my mind, but that was to be expected. Cooper helped me to ease up about everything else, talking about his day, his mom, his classes...
It gave me a reason not to think about the incredibly gut wrenching day I’d had, and I’ve been trying to keep that very same mindset ever since then.
I haven’t spoken to Trace in a couple of days. I have no idea what’s going on with him and Tarin, or what happened between him and Justin. The lingering questions have been keeping me awake at night. I’ve actually been sleeping at Susan’s, with the exception of last night. I’d been able to blow Cooper off in the beginning, telling him I had to work late, and that Susan was going to come and get me. I mean, it was partially true. I’d gone back to Susan’s, but I hadn’t gone to work for more than a few hours a day. Cooper hadn’t asked questions then, which was great, but...last night he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He missed me, he wanted to see me, so in order to avoid another ugly argument with him, I gave in.
I gave in, we had dinner with his sisters, and had sex in his room after they’d gone to bed. It was good for him, it was devastating for me. Devastating because my heart wasn’t in it.
Yet, I’m still wrapped in his arms, smiling like all is well.
“So I have a double lecture today,” he pouts and sighs. “I won’t be home til after five I think, unless the professor decides to have some kind of a soul.”
“Well...maybe I’ll get the girls to help me make dinner or something,” I say, smiling at him softly, wishing like hell that he didn’t have to stop holding me this morning. I feel so safe right now, so protected from reality and the outside world. In just minutes it won’t be that way. He’ll be gone, and I’ll be getting ready for a lunch date with Melanie, which isn’t a bad thing of course. That alone is the sole reason I’m not terrified of venturing into downtown Los Angeles today. Seeing Melanie will feel good. I can talk to her, and I don’t have to name names. She won’t ask me questions, I wont ask her questions, and we’ll both be able to relax. It’s crazy, I barely know the girl but at this moment in time she’s probably the best person I have to discuss my problems with, other than Susan.
Hell, sometimes she’s even better than Susan.
“Watch out for Nat,” Cooper laughs. “She puts Tabasco sauce in everything.”
“Hey, the spicier the better. I’m from the south, that’s how we do things.”
“Really? I thought you guys liked to barbeque.”
“We do.” I roll my eyes. “But we put spicy stuff on our barbeque, silly. It’s not all bland, like that new york style barbeque you’re accustomed to.”
“Hmm...” He pulls me closer and smiles again. “So when do I get to try this true southern style barbeque? You gonna take me home with you when you go? You know, I can meet the parents and everything.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up, because that was never my intention. When I go home, my plan is to get Justin alone, to talk to him, and to figure shit out. The one thing I don’t need is Cooper hanging around, making it blatantly obvious that I’m not single. How the hell do I break that to him though? I can’t tell him the truth. Shit, think Kerri. Come up with something good, and do it fast. “I um...I haven’t been on the best terms with my folks, Cooper. You know that.”
He shrugs. “So what? I’m sure that if you bring me home, and I charm the crap out of them, they’ll forget all about your mishaps and focus on the future.”
He’s so right. If I brought Cooper home to my father, he’d be fucking ecstatic to find that a nice white boy from the suburbs of California was dating his oldest daughter with good intentions. Despite the fact that our sex is energetic and amazing, Cooper comes off as the type that believes in good, wholesome values. My parents would probably fall in love with him on the first day, and be offering to pay for a southern wedding by the time the trip was up.
I can’t risk that. Not after what happened with Justin.
I pull away from him slightly, feeling my heart rip apart when I see him frown. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” I whisper.
He stares at me for a few minutes. “Why not?”
I don’t meet his gaze. “I just thought that I would take the time in Tennessee to think about things, and decide what I want to do. Like...you want me to come live with you. I just need to evaluate things before I take a big step like bringing you home.”
“What does moving in have to do with me meeting your parents though?”
He’s not stupid, and I’m an idiot for thinking he’d buy that excuse. I’m getting aggravated, and I sigh as I roll out of bed, draping a sheet around my naked body as I start to look for my clothes that were scattered around the room last night. “I just don’t think I’m ready for that. Jesus, Cooper.”
Damn it. I didn’t want to snap at him.
It’s silent as I busy myself with pulling on my clothes and brushing my hair back into a low pony tail. When I turn back to him, I find that he’s still sitting up in bed, staring at me, having only pulled his glasses on, not his clothes.
“What’s up with you, Kerrigan?” He asks me, sounding slightly annoyed, but more worried than anything else. “I mean, I’ve been trying to look past it, but you’ve been on edge for a week, like there’s something inside of you that’s literally tearing you apart, and I can’t figure it out. I want to help you, but I know how you get and I know you tend to keep everything locked away.”
I wish I could continue to play it off like nothing is wrong, that I’m just tired or something, but when I look into his eyes, I find that I just can’t do it. He fucking cares about me, he really does, and I’m an idiot for trying so hard to become part of Justin's life again. Why? Why do I fucking need him so bad? Why do I want him to love me? I can do better, I can be really happy with Cooper and I should do that. I should forget about Justin and let him go on with his life, and live my own the best I can.
Maybe if he hadn’t said that he still loves me, I’d be able to.
“I don’t know what to do,” I hear myself blurt out, and gasp a little bit. That was too much, and shit...he’s going to expect me to explain myself now.
Just great.
He gets out of bed, still naked, and finds his boxers on the floor a moment later. “Ker.” He steps over to me once he pulls them on, and takes my face in his hands. “Just tell me.”
I search his eyes for a sign that he’s being dishonest, that he doesn’t care as much as I think he does. If could find it, I wouldn’t feel so guilty right now. Of course, I don’t see anything else but the genuine gaze that I always do, and I feel my face turning red. I feel horrible. How can I do this to him? He deserves better. He deserves to be loved.
Suddenly, I realize I’m doing the same thing to Cooper that Justin did to me, and it’s so fucking wrong.
I sob.
“Hey.” He whispers. “Hey, don’t cry.”
I sob into him as he pulls me close and holds me. I hate myself and I want to tell him about everything so he’ll understand how fucked up I am, but I don’t have the heart to hurt him that much. He’d be crushed if I told him the real truth, probably turn his back on me and never speak to me again. I don’t want that, but damn...I know I can’t have both Justin and Cooper. It’s one or the other, and I have no idea if Justin is a sure thing.
“I’m just...scared,” I tell him.
“What for?”
I force myself to look at him, because he deserves at least that from me. I could break up with him right now, and I know he’d be better off despite the fact that I’m sure he would take it really hard at first. That’s the only way I’d be able to tell him the truth...that I’m confused about Justin and I know it’s going to drive him away in the end. I’m too much of a fucking wimp to do any of that though. I just couldn't’ take it if Cooper hated me, because...I know I care about him, even though I can’t figure out if I should forget about Justin and choose him instead.
“Look...” He speaks up when I don’t answer. “Let me tell you this story, and maybe you’ll be able to figure some things out.”
I cock my head to the side. “Story?”
He nods, and leads me back to the bed so we can both sit down together. “A couple of years ago there was this girl...she took care of my grandmother, because she didn’t do so well on her own, and I was away at school most of the time so I couldn’t do it.”
I dont’ get where he’s going with this, but I decide its better to let him finish his story. At least this way I’ll have some time to come up with something good to tell him.
“I’d never been in love before I met her, you know? I mean, I had girlfriends and stuff but none of them really made a big impact on me. When I met her though, I thought I’d met the girl I was going to be with forever. But when I finally got up the guts to tell her how I really felt she told me she couldn’t be with me. It was hard, and I was crushed. For a long time I thought I’d never find somebody to be with, because I was still stuck on her. Then....I met you, and things changed.”
I stare at him, knowing exactly why he decided to tell me this little story. I may not talk about Justin with him, but he knows. He knows I still think about him, because he’s not stupid. He knows what kind of relationship I used to have with Justin, how I made him the priority above all else. “Do you think about her still?” I whisper.
He cups my face in his hand and smiles. “Sometimes. I mean...I actually ran into her the other day. We had lunch.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
He laughs. “Come on, Ker. It’s not a big deal.”
I’m acting like a fool right now, and he knows that. I force myself to snap out of my jealousy for him, knowing that it’s ridiculous. Cooper loves me, he’s too nice of a guy to ever cheat, or hurt somebody he feels so strongly about, and I should know that. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” he reassures me warmly. “I mean, I just wanted to tell you that. Seeing her kind of opened my eyes, and made me understand how hard it’s been for you, since you and Justin broke things off. I...I want you to know I understand how confused you can get, but I’m willing to work through it, because I know you love me.”
He has no idea how hard it’s been, or how hard it still is. It sucks, he’s so fucking honest, and I know the right thing to do would be to tell him about Justin at the radio station, and how that situation still has me freaked the hell out. At the same time though, I have no idea what his reaction would be. Him running into an ex girlfriend from the past is a lot different than me running into Justin and asking him if he still loves me. “I do love you...” I begin.
“But you’re confused,” he tells me. “So we’ll work through it, all right? I’m...sorry if I pushed you about your folks, Ker. I just thought having me with you when you go back home would make you a little less stressed out about the whole thing.”
I really should have him come back home with me. Aside from the fact that my parents would think I’d turned back into their daughter again, I know Trace would be proud of me too. He’d think that I’d taken the next step in my life, that I was trying to get over Justin and what happened to us.
But I’d never get to talk to Justin, and I think that would hurt too much at this point.
I shrug my shoulders and look into his eyes. “So you don’t care if I go alone?”
He shakes his head and kisses me softly on the forehead. “Not if that’s what’s going to make you happy.”
I must be the luckiest girl in the world. Granted, Cooper has no idea what my real intentions are, but...it’s better this way. I can go home, do what I need to do, and figure out if Justin and I can really make our relationship work. If not, I’ll know Cooper has been the one all along, and I can go back to him with no regrets.
It seems like a great plan, but I know how quickly things can take a turn for the worse.
“Thank you.” I kiss him and wrap my arms around him lovingly, letting him return my embrace and whisper how much he loves me in my ear.
“Is Justin going to be around then, too?” he asks me, once we let go of each other.
Fuck.
“I...” I pause and shake my head. “I have no idea.”
His expression turns solemn. “I’d really prefer it if you stayed clear of that asshole. I don’t want him screwing with your emotions all over again.”
Part of me wants to tell Cooper that Justin isn’t an asshole, but I know that isn’t the best idea. He’d get it then, know that I still want to be around Justin despite the fact that I play it off like I want nothing to do with him. “I’ll do my best,” I say, knowing it’s the best thing I can tell him. “Sometimes family can get in the way though.”
“I get it, but...just try for me.” He smiles and kisses me quickly again. “I gotta go, okay? I’ll be late for class.”
“Okay.” His warm body slips away from mine, and I watch him as he begins to dig through his drawers for clothing. “I’m going to lunch with a friend. Do you think you can give me a ride downtown?”
“Sure,” he calls back. “Just wait for me.”
He leaves the room to take his shower, and I fall back onto the bed, not feeling any better about the situation than I did originally. It was fine before he brought Justin into it, giving me an order to steer clear of him if I can. I already know that it won’t happen, because as much as I care about Cooper, Justin is still that much more important to me, even though I’d never let on to it. Cooper thinks everything is okay, that we’ll work through my “confusion” because he thinks that he went through a similar situation.
But he definitely didn’t go through half of what I’ve been forced to.
I shower in the downstairs bathroom, and meet Cooper in the kitchen afterwards. He holds my hand as we walk out to his car, and opens the door for me, like he does every time we go someplace. The ride is nearly silent. He hums along with the rock song on the radio as he rubs my thigh, and I melt into the moment, smiling up at him from the passenger seat, wishing that life could be this simple everyday and not just occasionally.
“How are you getting home?” He asks with concern when he pulls up to Tony Roma’s.
I shrug. “I figured I would wait for you to get out of class.”
“I’m going to be late,” he laughs at me. “Here, call a taxi.” He hands me some money and kisses me lightly. “I can’t have you hanging around down here by yourself.”
I can’t get in a taxi, but I won’t tell him this. He’ll think I’m nuts, and I don’t need that, so I smile at him and take the money. “Thanks, Coop.” I kiss him quickly and open my car door. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Love you.”
I turn back to him as I get out of the car, forcing myself to smile as I say that words that sound so awkward coming from me. “I love you too.”
He pulls the car door closed for me, and beeps as he pulls away from the curb. I let out a huge breath that I think I’ve been holding in since I woke up this morning, and allow my mind clear for a few moments before I enter the restaurant, a million forgotten memories rushing back to me as soon as I step inside. Trace and I used to come here all the time...
“I’m not going anywhere,” I interrupt Trace, sternly. “What the hell would make you think I’d leave him right now?”
He narrows his eyes at me, a worried expression taking the place of his calm one. “He hit you,” he reminds me.
I yank my hand from his. “And it was a mistake,” I whisper.
I wait for him to respond, but then the waitress comes to take our orders. We ramble them off quickly, and make certain she’s entirely out of earshot before continuing our conversation. I don’t want to say anything else to him about the subject of course, but Trace…being the persistent person that he is, won’t let it go.
“What happens if you’re out there, on the road…without me, and it happens again?,” he asks me, stirring his Coke around with the straw. “What are you gonna do then Kerri? Go to sound checks and meetings with a big bruise on your face? I mean…,” he chuckles sadly and shakes his head. “Nobody is gonna believe that it was an accident, okay?”
“Why?,” I shrug. “It’s not like they know what he‘s like, what he‘s going through. They don‘t know…about Cameron, or about…” I trail off, and reach up to touch the faded bruise on my face.
“It’s like you don’t care if it happens again!” he exclaims lightly, leaning in closer to me. “Jesus, Kerri…you think I want to see that happen to you again? You think that it’s okay if he hits you like that?”
“It was a mistake,” I persist, barely above a whisper, secretly trying to make myself believe my own words. Deep inside of me, where the truth always seems to lie buried…I know that Justin is capable of hitting me again; despite how he cried that day in the bathroom…despite his promise to me that he’ll never do it again. The fact is, he did it to Cameron, and now he’s done it to me too. I know that its only a matter of time before he loses his composure, and takes his aggressions out on me again....
“Kerri!”
I snap to attention, and immediately shrug the memory away as I turn and spot Melanie waving me over from a table towards the back of the dining area. Naturally, I plaster an enthusiastic smile on my face for her, and make my way over. She stands up immediately as I reach her, and throws her arms around me in a warm embrace. It feels really good, really genuine, and I find myself squeezing her a little tighter than I would normally do to anyone else. I think I need this. I need someone who gets me like she does...someone that’s not going to judge every fucking thing I do.
I hope she can give me a good answer to my Justin dilemma.
We sit down finally, and place our lunch orders soon after. Melanie makes small talk with me for awhile, and I mostly just listen as I study her. It’s interesting...she’s changed somehow. I can’t quite place it, but I just know something has happened in her life recently. She’s so much more upbeat now, like she’s all lit up inside...
Like she’s in love.
“Melanie,” I cut her off mid sentence, and giggle a little bit.
She cocks her head to the side. “Yeah? Sorry...was I rambling again?”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “You were.”
“Oh,” she smiles slightly and her cheeks turn pink. “Sorry. I tend to do that sometimes.”
“Somethings got you all riled up,” I point out. “What’s going on? Is it about that guy you’ve been talking to? Did things work out?”
“Well...” She shrugs her shoulders up and bites her bottom lip, her cheeks turning a deeper shade of pink. “Yeah. I mean, I almost cancelled our lunch because he was out back playing with the puppies...shirtless. I was like...stare fest for about a half hour. Thank God he didn’t notice.”
My eyes widen a little and I find myself squealing with laughter. It’s seems so unlike her. She’s never talked this way about a guy before, but then again I haven’t really known her long enough. “Wow Mel. This sounds like a big deal to me.”
“It is,” she says lazily. “It’s crazy because it’s been so long since I’ve trusted a man around me, and yet...it feels like I’ve always known him and trusted him. I feel great.”
I wish I could be her, just for a day. Just to know what it feels like to have my head together, and be living a life that’s not so full of fucking drama and confusion. Most of all, I’d love to be with the person that I have really desperate feelings for. Melanie just doesn’t know how good she has it. “Don’t let go of it,” I hear myself say. “Just...stick with it even if you’re scared, you know?”
She sucks in a breath and nods. “Yeah, I know. I mean, it’s been hard letting go of my fears, and letting him in as deep as he is now, but it’s a huge step, and I’m proud of myself. I never want to go back to the person I was before.”
I force a smile, try not to be jealous, because I really need her advice right now and don’t want to come off as a bitch. Before I can begin to tell her about my dilemma though, the food arrives, and we’re both easily distracted by it.
“Mmmm.” Melanie closes her eyes and groans when she takes a bite of her sandwich. “This is amazing. Have you ever been here before, Kerri?”
I push my salad around with my fork and nod a little, but don’t meet her gaze. “Yeah, once or twice.”
“Uh oh,” she chuckles. “Bad date memories?”
“Oh, no,” I say, managing to smirk. “Just bad memories in general.”
Her upbeat expression fades slightly. “I’m sorry.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head quickly. “Don’t be. It doesn’t even matter.”
“Don’t say that,” she tells me, quietly. “It matters if you’re upset.”
I just shrug. I don’t want to bring a dark cloud over our conversation, just because it’s going so well and she seems to be so happy. Melanie is such a great person, and her life deserves to be drama free, seeing as how she’s been through more than most people can comprehend.
“Somethings bothering you,” she tells me after awhile.
I meet her gaze again, and when I see the sincere look of concern spread across her face I know that she’s willing to listen to my problems. I still feel guilty though. I think I’d rather watch her be happy right now than delve into my fucked up problems. “I don’t...”
“Spill it,” she commands with a light smile. “That’s what friends are for, right?”
“It’s just...” I sigh and run my hands through my hair, taking a final moment to decide if I should really tell her what’s been going on. I realize that I should though, because I have nobody else around that understands how I feel, besides Trace, and he’s been done with my situation for a really long time now. “Okay,” I huff. “So I have a boyfriend. A really great one.”
She laughs a little. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“No,” I groan. “Not when I’m still hung up on my ex boyfriend.”
“Ouch,” she says, raising an eyebrow.
I nod. “It’s just ridiculous, Melanie. I mean, my boyfriend loves me, completely. I just don’t have the guts to tell him that I don’t feel as strongly for him yet. All I can seem to think about lately is getting back together with my ex, because...I think he still has feelings for me too.”
“Well, does your boyfriend know about this other guy?”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, and he can’t stand him. He wants me to stay as far away from my ex as possible, and I understand of course, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. I mean, if it’s not going to work out, I need to see him right? To get closure?”
“Liar,” she giggles, a knowing smile on her face. “The last thing you want is closure. I can see it in your eyes, Kerri. You want to get back with the ex and boink him into next year.”
I laugh heartily, not having expected her response at all. “Boink?”
“Well don’t you?”
I feel myself blushing, and I hate myself for it, but I know that Melanie is bringing out my true feelings about Justin right now. “Yeah...I guess I do,” I mumble.
“Well you need to do what makes you happy, and if this ex boyfriend of yours feels as strongly about you as you do for him I say you need to go for it. Let your boyfriend down gently though. Don’t hurt him, just be honest about your feelings.”
She makes it sound so simple. I wish it was. I wish I could just break up with Cooper and automatically be swept up into Justin’s arms again once I arrive in Tennessee. But things aren’t that easy. Justin and I...we’re still a mess, and I have no idea what’s going to happen when we see each other again. Is it worth the risk? Should I really break things off with Cooper, and send him on his way when he’s this deeply in love with me?
I just don’t know.
“I guess I’ll see what happens when I go back home in a couple of weeks. He’s going to be around, and I’ll have a chance to talk him to him then.”
“Well if you need a few hints or tips, remember to text me,” Melanie offers with a smile. “I’ll be your guiding light.”
“I’ll remember that,” I chuckle, feeling better about my situation already. “So...when’s your wedding taking place?” I say, deciding to brighten the conversation before it can turn around on me, and make me uncomfortable.
“Oh God,” she laughs and waves me off with her hand. “Don’t you even start in with that. It’s bad enough that he’s bringing me to meet his family in a couple of weeks.”
My eyes widen a little as I realize how fast things have progressed between Melanie and her boyfriend. Hell, I can’t even talk to my parents about Cooper. “Wow,” I smile. “That’s a big step for a guy, usually.”
“Yeah, and it’s huge for me too...considering everything that’s happened to me. It’s making me nervous as hell...I mean, he has one of those stereotypical large southern families, where everyone is in everyone elses business. I’m so much different, like...my mother was barely around for me when I was younger and my grandmother raised me. I have no idea how social I’m going to be able to be, I keep thinking that I’m going to have some kind of panic attack in front of his grandparents.”
It’s crazy to me that she’s so nervous. Melanie is more personable than she realizes, and I’m sure anybodies family would be thrilled to have her around. She sells herself short entirely too much, and I know it’s the rape that’s made her this way. It sucks. I wish I could find the guy that did it to her, and chop his dick off. He had no right to do what he did.
Just like Shane didn’t have a right to hurt Justin.
People like that should be tortured until they beg for death.
“Melanie don’t think like that,” I tell her with a soothing tone. “You’re such an awesome person. Anybody would be lucky to have you in their lives.”
“Oh come on,” she says, laughing my comment off. “You’re just being nice.”
“I’m really not,” I tell her, semi seriously. “At this point in my life, there’s about four people who I like, and you’re one of them.”
“Well...I guess I should take that as a compliment, right?”
“Definitely,” I chuckle.
“I hate to pry, but...getting back to your little situation,” she speaks up again after a few more bites into her sandwich. “How far have you and your current boyfriend gotten...” She trails off and leans in closer to me. “Like, in bed?”
I nearly choke on my soda, and cough harshly for a moment or two while she laughs at me.
“Sorry, Ker,” she cackles. “I probably should have waited for that one.”
“Look at you, little miss inquisitive,” I smile, when I regain control of myself. “Since when does Melanie take an interest in sex?”
She sighs heavily. “Since my sexual drive has started to grow again.”
My eyes widen. “Shit, Mel.”r32;
“I know.” She groans. “It’s confusing the hell out of me too. I figured if I asked you about it, I might know what to expect. I know it sounds lame, but...he’s the first serious boyfriend I’ve ever had, and I haven’t told him about...you know, so it makes it hard. I don’t want him to think I don’t want him...because I do, it’s just...”
“You don’t have to explain,” I tell her calmly. God, that’s hard, but I can completely relate to her. Justin was raped, so I know what it’s like for somebody in that situation to have to hide their feelings. Granted, I pretty much knew what happened from the beginning, but to have Justin tell me about it was an entirely different feeling. “It didn’t happen to me but, I told you about my friend...”
She nods quickly, cutting me off, and I’m sure she wants to get off the subject. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Well...”I take a moment to collect my thoughts, because I can feel my eyes stinging just a little bit, and I know it could only take seconds for me to start remembering things and end up having a breakdown right here in the restaurant. “I mean, I’ve just started sleeping with my boyfriend, to answer your question. But I’m still confused as fuck about it. My ex is the only other guy I’ve slept with besides him, so...I guess I don’t feel the same way as other girls who’ve had more experience. I don’t know though, Mel. I’m pretty fucked up so I doubt I’m the best person to be getting sexual advice from.”
“I don’t have anybody else to talk to about it,” she says quietly.
I realize that she must either not have any relationship with her mother whatsoever, or the woman simply lives too far away for Melanie to be able to confide in her. Susan is great, yeah, but she’s a little old, and it’s also obvious to me that Melanie doesn’t keep too many friends around her besides myself. I almost feel like I have a responsibility to her right now. A responsibility to be a good friend to her...to brush my problems to the side, because she really does need my help. “Look, the first thing you need to remember is not to rush into things,” I tell her, looking her right in the eyes. “Part of the reason me and my ex split was because we didn’t make good decisions. If this guy cares about you as much as you say, he should be open to letting you take your time.”
“He is,” she tells me, with a soft smile. “I don’t know...I guess sometimes I feel like I’m making him wait too long or something.”
I shake my head. “If he cares about you it shouldn’t matter.”
She considers what I said for a moment before nodding her head positively. “I guess when you put it that way, you have a point.”
“I know,” I say, flashing her a silly smile. “I think the first step you should take, is to tell him about what happened to you.”
“I would,” she sighs. “But...he’s been through something too, and I don’t know how he’ll take it when he finds out I’m not as together as he thinks I am. I think he needs a strong woman, you know? What if I tell him, and he tells me that we can’t be together? I...I hate it but I don’t think I could handle that, Kerri. I’ve started to care about him entirely too much. I want him so bad sometimes too...but then I get so damn terrified at the same time.”
It’s amazing how similar she and I are. When I was with Justin, I felt the exact same way. Always wondering if I was good enough, if I was strong enough. If I made him feel safe. When we first broke up I thought it was for the best, but now...now I wish I had simply tried harder. I wish I had been able to talk to him more, to be stronger for him.
I would hate it if Melanie went down the same road.
“Look, you can’t be afraid all the time,” I tell her. “You just have to be yourself, if you want this thing to pan out. I wasn’t, and now I regret it every day. If you care about him like this, you need to just do whatever it takes to make it work. So what if you tell him? He should be able to handle it, Melanie, whether or not he’s been through something. You can’t keep it a secret from him forever. If he’s any kind of man, he’ll run with it. The sex shouldn’t matter so much. Eventually, you’ll get there.”
“God, can I take you with me when I go to meet his family? You could hide in a bush or behind a piece of furniture and text me what to say,” she laughs. “You’re great at this advice stuff.”
I laugh heartily. Up until now I thought I was the worst person to get advice from. Trace makes me feel like I’m a dumb ass half the time. Although, I have been a lot sterner with him lately, which I think is making him view me in a different light. “I don’t know about all that,” I finally say. “But if it’s helping you, then I’m glad. I want to see a picture of this guy too. The way you talk, he must look like some kind of model.”
“Oh...umm...” She looks down at her food then, my request seeming to have made her nervous, although I have no idea why it would. “I don’t have anything on me,” she responds quickly. “Maybe next time.”
“Oh...” I trail off, a little confused. “Sure, no problem.”
I try to deter the conversation from boyfriends and sex for the duration of our meal. It seems to make Melanie ease up a lot more, and I’m glad. I don’t know when I’ll see her again, and the last thing I want is for her to be too nervous to hang out with me. It really doesn’t matter what her boyfriend looks like anyway, I thought I was just making small talk. It’s obvious that there is more to Melanie’s boyfriend than she’s letting on, but I won’t ask questions. I know what that’s like, because of who Justin is, and there’s no way I could ever tell her that he is in fact, my ex.
So I guess we’re even, in a way.
“Please promise to text me if you need anything,” Melanie says, giving me a hug goodbye as we stand in front of the restaurant a few minutes later. “Because I’ll definitely be bugging the hell out of you when I go on my trip...and if I end up telling him about everything too.”
“Don’t worry, I’m great at bugging people,” I laugh as I pull away from her. “Right now, I think you’re the only person that’s willing to sit and listen to my stupid problems, so you’re in for it.”
The valet pulls her car up and she tips him as he hands her the keys. It’s a black BMW that I’d never expect her to be driving, and an odd feeling washes over me. Something is nagging at me, trying to tell me something important, but I just can’t put my finger on it right now. “Nice car,” I say, trying to sound enthusiastic rather than uncertain.
“Oh, it’s his,” she giggles. “My car is a little out of commission so he let me take this today. It’s too fancy for me. If I knew he wouldn’t kill me, I’d put that bumper stick on the back that says “my other car is a Toyota”.”
“You would do something like that,” I smile back at her, having been able to shake the uneasy feeling off of me. “Take care, Mel.”
“How are you getting home?” She asks me suddenly as she opens the door to the car and gets in. “Isn’t the valet bringing your car around?”
“Oh...” I trail off. I wasn’t prepared for her to ask me about how I was getting home, but I really don’t want her to know how scared I am of taking a cab. “I parked in a garage.”
“Well do you want me to take you? I have time.”
“Oh no, you go ahead,” I say, with a wave of my hand. “It’s too nice not to walk.”
“Weirdo,” she chuckles. “I’ll text you later, Kerri.”
“Bye.” I wave as she starts up her car, and watch as she drives away. Damn it, she’s so happy, driving her boyfriends expensive car around, barely worried about the problems that used to plague her in the past.
My life needs to be that way.
But seeing as how I can’t even fathom the idea of getting in a cab right now, I know I have a long way to go before I can ever hope to be normal again.
I pull out my cellphone as I walk aimlessly down the sidewalk, and dial Elisha’s number, praying that for once she’ll answer me and be able to do me a favor. She does end up answering, to my surprise, but she tells me she’s on set, that she’s sorry, but she’ll call me this weekend.
I’m still at a dead end.
Near tears, I sit down on a bench and begin to wonder why I have to be so damn pathetic, until my phone starts blaring in my pocket. I pull it out, my heart skipping a beat when I see that it’s Cooper house number. He must have gotten out early...really early. “Hey,” I answer, trying to sound perky. “You got out of school really early.”
“I know!” He says, enthusiastically. “I never even made it to class, Kerri. You’ll never guess who came here for a surprise visit!”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know who he was talking about , but I act clueless anyway, hoping like hell that I’m wrong. “Who?”
“Siobhan and Scott! They showed up at the house and Natalie called to tell me after I
dropped you off. Are you done with your lunch? I want to come get you so we can all hang out.”
Waves of nausea wash over me at the the prospect of having to see Siobhan and her fiance today. Fuck, I’m not ready for that, and Cooper should know that...having been there to witness what happened the last time she and I spoke. “Cooper, I don’t think it’s a good idea. ”
“Kerri, come on,” Cooper persists. “She’s not holding a grudge and you shouldn’t either. She wants to see you. She told me that herself.”
I guess I don’t have a choice. The more I protest, the more annoyed Cooper will be and I can’t deal with that anymore today. I owe him something after all, since I shot him down about the whole meeting my parents thing. “I’ll wait out front where you dropped me off,” I tell him, with a sigh.
Fuck, at this point I really would rather take a taxi.
“Great.” I can hear him smiling. “I’ll see you in a few minutes, baby.”
I hang up without saying goodbye. I can’t believe this. With everything else going on, I have to deal with those two on top of it? I mean, what the hell? Why does Cooper think it’s completely okay to force me into this?
Oh yeah, because he doesn’t know about all the other shit that I have going on right now, and I guess that’s my own fault.
Now, more than ever, I wish I could run back to Justin for comfort. Hide from the world, and forget how scared I still am around certain people, and places. He’d get it. He wouldn’t let anybody hurt me, and we’d fall in love all over again.
I need him, desperately. Melanie was right about talking to him, making it work, and...the fact that I want to "boink him". The only thing I can do now is wait, start counting the days until I can see him again and tell him I love him. Until then, all I can do is try my best to keep sane. I’ll put on a happy face for Cooper and pretend like everything is just fucking great, like always, and he’ll be none the wiser.
I just have to make sure I stick to that plan, and not fuck something up along the way.
It's going to be the longest two weeks of my life.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
