I’ve never been so overwhelmed in my fucking life.

When I was a kid, I thought I had it made, with the exception of my alcoholic father.  My days were spent in a sleepy little town, playing with my friends, and helping my mom out.  The exception to all of this was having to deal with my father, who had fallen apart due to his alcoholism since before I could remember.  It should have affected my childhood a lot more too, and I know that, but Justin and his family were always around to distract me from the reality of it.  My mom would constantly drop me off next door, so Justin and I could play together.  I never had a clue about the real reason she did it so much, until I was old enough to understand my father’s drinking problem.  It confused me more than anything, and I found myself asking Lynn about what I could do to help.  Naturally, she told me there was nothing I could really do but be the best son I could be for my mom, and that’s what I did.  Being the oldest of three kids, I sort of took on the role as the man of the house while my mom worked as hard as she could to keep a roof over our heads, my dad refusing to do anything but drink himself further into oblivion.

I was only eight years old.

I think it’s why I fell into the role of Justin’s personal assistant so easily.  I was used to taking charge and being organized, so Justin didn’t have to think twice about giving me the job.  It was the opportunity of a lifetime.  Being overseas took me out of that house, and away from my father when I didn’t think I could handle being around him anymore.  It was hard for my mom with me being gone, but I called her as much as I could.  She knew Lynn would take care of me though, and I know it’s the only reason she allowed me to finish school by mail and travel the world with Justin.  I’m thankful to her everyday for giving me that chance.  I have no idea what would have happened to me otherwise, and I’ve made sure that my family has been taken care of in return.  They want for nothing.  I’ve bought them cars, clothes...and whatever else.  My sister goes to the college of her choice out here in LA, and in the fall my brother will be choosing his college as well.  I was able to knock down my parent’s house awhile back, build my mom a big new one from the ground up.  I had her quit her job soon after, and she’s been helping Lynn out with Justin’s career ever since. Her life is finally easy and I made sure to build up the garage into a little apartment for my dad to stay in, so she wouldn’t have to deal with him as much.  Originally, I wanted him to move out, but my mom wouldn’t hear of it.  I didn’t get it then and I still don’t, but...I guess it’s not my place to tell her what to do when it comes to him.  They’ve been married for twenty two years, and she’s put up with his stupidity for the entire time.

I tend to just leave them to their business.

Despite everything I’ve done for my family though, I know none of it is going to matter once I go back home and announce what’s going on in my life.  I’m terrified of my mom’s reaction to the news.  She hasn’t approved of how I’ve been living my life for a long time now, and this will be the icing on the cake. She’s still stuck on Elisha, and now I’m going to bring Tarin home, tell my mom I’m in love with her and that we’re having a baby.

If I was her, I’d kick my ass too.

If this were my only major problem, I wouldn’t be stressing about it so much.  Maybe if Justin wasn’t such a fucking asshole, I would have called my mom up a few days ago and talked to her about this whole thing over the phone.  But considering what happened last Tuesday, I know I wouldn’t have been able to keep my temper at bay if she decided to blow up at me and she’s been treated like shit too many times in her life to have me do it to her too.

So I’m waiting...trying to solve my problems here before I have to face the ones I’m about to have in Shelby Forest.

Tarin took Tuesday pretty hard.  Once her place in the interview had ended, she didn’t hesitate to hunt me down and ask me what the hell was going on. What took place between Kerri and Justin didn’t make sense to her, naturally, because she didn’t know their history, and I sure as hell wasn’t about to tell her everything.  She knew the basics, and I was sure Kerri didn’t want her history with Justin to be made public knowledge to my girlfriend.  I did my best to weasel out of a real explanation, telling her that it was a simple mistake.  That I thought Justin knew Kerri worked at the radio station.  For some reason, she pretended to buy into my lame ass excuse, rather than argue with me about it.  I still don’t know why.  Usually Tarin is pretty persistent when she wants to get information out of somebody.  I don’t know though...things were awkward enough between the two of us then with the new reality of her being pregnant, so I guess she didn’t have the heart to start an argument.

Although, part of me thinks that she went to Kerri looking for answers, and the thing about that is...I know Kerri would never tell her anything that had to do with what happened in the past.  I’m the only person she’ll confide in about that stuff.  It’s the only thing we seem to share in common anymore...the past, and it’s really fucked up and sad.  The girl is supposed to be my best friend, but everyday I find myself drifting further and further away from her, despite the fact that I’ve been trying to protect her for a few weeks now.  Hanging out with Tarin, Mel, and Justin had opened new doors for me...made me sociable and fun again.  For awhile, I managed to forget about Kerri’s drama.  I was in love with a great girl, hanging out with my best friend, and forming a new bond with his girlfriend, who seemed to have nothing but good advice for me.

In a sense, Melanie was taking Kerri’s place.  She was filling the void, as much as it sucked to admit it.

Up until Kerri told me what really happened that night, life was beginning to seem pretty normal again.  Then...just like that, it all came crashing to the ground.  I couldn’t trust Justin, hell, I couldn’t even look at him.  I’d be sitting in the car with him, wanting to strangle him, or get into an accident so he’d know what Kerri felt like every day.  There were so many times when he’d be laughing and telling me some stupid story, that I wanted to cut him off mid sentence and ask him how the hell he could live with himself, having done what he did.

I just didn’t have the balls to do it, until after the interview.  Kerri’s speech hit me hard.  She told me that I always let Justin have the final say, that I couldn’t stand up to him.  After that I promised myself that I was going to prove her wrong.

And I did.
 
Justin has always been my greatest companion, ever since we were in diapers.  We took our first steps together, traveled the world together, and stood by one another no matter what.  I’ve never considered the fact that we’re not related...I’ve always considered him to be my brother, and I know he’s always thought the same way about me.    The only other person that was considered to be as close to Justin and I, was Kerri.  She was the little girl next door, always tagging along, taking an interest in whatever it was that we were doing, and the three of us eventually became an inseparable trio...at least until Justin told me he was taking me with him to Europe.  Things changed so quickly after that, I could barely keep up with what was going on in Kerri’s world.

It’s something I’ve always regretted.

Never in a million years did I think things would turn out like this.  Sure, I knew Justin would be famous one day, I knew that since the first time we set up our little stage act in Lynn’s living room, but I never counted on the hysteria.  I never counted on people getting too close to my best friend, pulling his hair, or screaming in his face.

And I sure as hell never counted on somebody putting him through a nightmare.

But it happened, and it fucked us all up for a really long time.  Things were supposed to be better, and they were getting there.  I’d finally come around, realized I needed to start talking to Justin again, and we were starting to get back on track.  I finally thought we were back on that brother level again, and that we could share everything without any more doubts.  We both had new relationships, and the girls got along great with each other.  It was starting to become a brand new circle of friends.  I felt good again, not sick...not tired, except when Kerri would burden me with all of her shit of course.

Like the day she told me the truth about what Justin did to her.

I was determined to make it right for Kerri.  Sure, she was fucked up, but for the first time I was able to understand why, and who’s fault it really was. Justin had done it to her, beat her, made her get into that car accident all on his own, and she just didn’t deserve that.  Hell, nobody did, but Kerri was...was still special to me.  She was my best friend too, and I knew that I needed to wake up and start realizing how much she really did need me.  I promised myself I would take care of it, even though she didn’t want me to, which really pissed me off.    She didn’t want Justin to be put through more heartache for some reason, and I just didn’t get it.  She could have been dead, and the truth would have died with her.  I told her that too, but she didn’t let it affect her.

After everything, Justin can still do no wrong in her book, and I don’t know whether to give up or keep trying to convince her to move on with her life.

With a baby on the way though, I have a feeling my mind will only be able to focus on so much, and I know I can’t put Kerri’s issues on that list.

Punching Justin in the face felt really good.  I must have let weeks worth of aggression flow out of me with a single swing of my fist.  At the time, I felt like I got my point across.  Now though, I just feel empty inside about the whole fucking thing.  Granted, Justin knows my view on the situation and I guess it’s good...like, that he has to deal with it and figure out what he’s going to do, instead of simply brushing it under the rug.  But where does that leave our friendship? Is it simply going to be cast aside? Disappear like before? I feel lame because I don’t want it to...because I know I need his friendship and guidance during a time like this.  A time when I don’t know who else to turn to.  

No, I’m not going to turn my back on him, but I know I need at least a couple of more days to blow off the rest of my steam.  If I go talk to him, I can’t yell, can’t get mad at him, or anything.  Hell, I don’t even want to discuss our last confrontation, even though that idea isn’t logical.  It’s going to be a bunch of bullshit drama when we talk again, and I know that, but I’ll live with it.  Maybe I’ll be able to see his point of view a little bit more clearly if I shut up and listen to him for a few minutes, rather than flip the fuck out.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens, and I’m really curious as to what his opinion on me becoming a father is going to be once I tell him.

That is, if Melanie hasn’t told him already.

This separation has given Tarin and I some much needed alone time though, and I know that’s really good.  We both needed it, so we could talk about what’s going to happen now that she has my kid growing inside of her.  She’s terrified of talking to her parents about it too.  She told me her Dad is pretty stern about the guys who take his daughters out, and was sure that he would be cold towards me from the start, regardless if she was pregnant or not.

I’m not looking forward to his reaction, either.  I mean, he could kick my ass or something, and I’d feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.  I asked Tarin if he’s a big guy and she showed me a picture...

He is.

Either way, we’ve decided to remain firm about our decision to keep this baby and raise it.  We’ve been trying to put the stressful part of this to the side as best we can, so we can focus on the most important thing, which is the welfare of our child. All in all, Tarin’s glowing about the prospect of being a mom.  She told me it’s something she’s always dreamed about, that she couldn’t be happier I’m the one who’s enabling her to do it because she loves me.  Hearing her say that gave me more of a reason to be happier about this than not.  I mean, I guess it’ll be cool having a kid.  I’ve done a lot at a really young age, seen the world, and met a lot of people so I know I’m not going to regret having to settle down.  I think the thing that scares me the most, is not knowing the first thing about raising a baby.  I mean, I don’t know how to hold one, or feed one...or change a fucking diaper.

But how hard can it be, right?

I just hope like hell I don’t disappoint my kid like my father has always disappointed me in the past,

The toilet flushes and I continue rubbing Tarin’s back as she vomits into it, trying not to make any kind of disgruntled noises due to the smell and sight of the vomit floating in the water.  I feel really shitty, because it’s my fault that she’s sick, and I wish I was able to switch places with her for just a little while...just so she could get some sleep.

“This is disgusting,” she says, breathing heavily as she braces her hands against the toilet seat.  “I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of crap.”

“Here.” I say softly, as I grab her cup of water off the sink.  “Drink this.”

She shakes her head.  “I don’t think I can keep it down.”

I frown. The morning sickness has been awful, and I think today has been the worst so far.  We haven’t been to the doctor yet, and Tarin hasn’t been to work since Monday.  She was supposed to see the doctor two days ago, but she said she was too sick to make the trip.  She needs something though.  There’s only so much I can do, because I was never trained about this kind of thing.  The shittiest thing is, I know my mom or Lynn would be able to help me, but I can’t reach out to either of them at the moment.  I know the only alternative is going to the doctor, and so...Tarin is just going to have to suck it up.  She’s going to get dehydrated otherwise...

I can’t let things get worse.    

For the first time, I have to take charge of this whole pregnancy thing, and I can’t deny that I’m scared shitless.

“We should probably call the doctor, right?”

She manages to stand upright a few moments later, with some help from me, and turns around so she can lay her head against my chest as I wrap my arms around her.  “I don’t know.  I feel like death and I don’t want to go out like this.  I must look like a horror show.”

“I don’t think it matters what you look like,” I say, chuckling softly as I plant a kiss on top of her head.

“God, that’s easy for you to say,” she whines.  “I look like a homeless person, or some kind of crack head.”

“Tarin, you haven’t stopped throwing up in three days.  It can’t be good for you or the baby, so we should go right now.  Stop worrying about what you look like, and come on,” I say, pulling away from her and tugging at her hand.  “I’ll get you clean clothes and we’ll go now.”

She starts to cry.

Jesus Christ.  I suck in a long breath, and look up at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed all over again.  I want to call Justin and ask him what he’d do, but then I remember that I can’t call him because we’re anything but on good terms at the moment.  No, I’m alone in my dilemma.  I mean, there’s always Kerri but I know Tarin would rather be naked, throwing up in an alley, before she’d ask her for help.  “Babe...it’s okay, come on,” I whisper to her as she cries.  “You’re okay, it’s probably just this morning sickness thing that’s making you so depressed.  I Googled it.”

“Google? Who gives a fuck about Google? I know what morning sickness is, I’m not a moron,” she grunts.

My emotions flare up automatically.  Fuck, I’m like...killing myself here to get her on the right track and all she can be is a bitch. “I was trying to fucking help out,” I grumble as I pull away from her.  “What do you want me to do?”

“How should I know!” She shouts.

This isn’t helping anything.  

“How can we have a baby?,” she whimpers, rubbing either side of her head with her fingers.  “Trace...look at us.  We’re practically kids.  I have no clue what I’m doing right now.  I don’t even know what to eat...or anything, and soon my clothes aren’t going to fit anymore.  My Dad is going to hate me, and my fucking sister...god, she’ll just continue acting like she’s so much fucking smarter than I’ll ever be...”

“Tarin!” I say, raising my voice slightly.  “Snap out of it, would you?”

She picks her head up, looking at me with her sunken, bloodshot eyes, due to three days without much sleep.  “Why are you being like that?,” she sobs.  “Your body isn’t one big fucked up pile of crap, is it?”

I grit my teeth and suck in a long breath, not answering her as I pull her back into my bedroom forcefully by the hand.

“Trace!”

“Get dressed,” I grunt.  “You’re going to the doctor.  End of story.”  I yank open the dresser drawer that’s been reserved for some of her clothes and pull out a basic tee shirt and a pair of denim shorts, carrying them over to her and placing them next to her while she sits on the bed and sobs into her hands.  “I’ll wait in the living room, okay?”

She doesn’t look up at me, doesn’t stop crying, hell, I don’t even know if she heard what I just said.  

“You’re stronger than this,” I say gently.  “Come on, Tarin, this is shitty time for us to be fighting.  Talk to me.  I know you’re freaked out and your body is doing all kinds of crazy shit, but please know that I’m just as messed up mentally.”

She picks up her head to look at me, still hiccuping with sobs.  “I-I’m scared of going,” she confesses, her cheeks turning slightly pink.

I sigh, and manage to smirk as I sit down next to her and put my hand in hers.  “Why?”

“Because it’s going to be written in stone.”  She sniffles hard and wipes at her eyes.  “It’s like, we can’t turn back, you know?”

“Tar, we already decided that we weren’t turning back.”

She shrugs.  “It’s just how I feel, Trace.  There’s nothing I can do to change it.  I mean, maybe the doctor...he’ll have some advice right?”

I kiss her cheek lovingly.  “That’s why they pay them.”

It takes awhile for her to accept my answer, but she eventually tells me she’ll change and be out soon.  I try to watch the TV while she’s behind my closed bedroom door, but I can’t focus at all.  She’s right, after this there isn’t any way we can turn back.  That doctor is going to lay out the rest of our lives for us...give us a due date, and give us goals to meet for each part of the pregnancy.  Our lives are going to change drastically, people won’t understand.  They’ll either look down on us, or not approve.  We’re going to have to find a bigger place to live, buy all kinds of baby crap... be at the doctors office every other week.

And fuck, I know I won’t be going to work with Justin come January.  If she’s pregnant now the baby has to come in December some time, and I’d never leave Tarin to fend for herself.  I think I’d get shot in the head or something.  Hell, she’s probably going to be crazy enough by that point.

But then again, the Justin situation is up in the air right now anyway.

She reemerges from the bedroom about twenty minutes later, after what sounds like another round of wonderful vomiting.  I get up automatically and go to her so I can help her walk to the door.  She clings to me, her nails digging into my arm like a frightened child, and I know she’s depending on me to be the strong one right now.

Its’ the first time in awhile that I’ve had to be completely responsible for someone else, and I know it’s going to be like this for nine long ass months.

We have to pull over twice on the way to the doctors office, and I feel really odd having to help Tarin puke over a guard rail.  The cars whiz by, causing huge gusts of air to blow by us, and I know it can’t be making her feel much better at all.  Finally, what seems like hours later, we pull up to the doctors office.  I looked him up on Google at the beginning of the week, called up the office to find out how long the guy had been practicing and shit.  I must have sounded like some overbearing, paranoid asshole, because I was asking the lady on the phone every question under the sun.  I couldn’t help myself though.  I’m fucking scared, and I needed to know that this guy was going to take his time examining Tarin, that he knew what he was doing, that my baby was going to be completely fine in his care.

“Is she okay?” The secretary cocks her head to the side as she asks me the question, once we reach her desk.

Tarin groans, leaning her body into me for dear life as I try to maintain my sanity in a public setting.  “I’m...I mean...she’s been getting sick for a few days...and I just thought...”

“It’s your first time, right?” she tells me, knowingly nodding her head.

I let out a relieved sigh.  “Yeah.”

“She looks pretty bad, so I’ll send you in right away.”  Without another word, she picks up the phone and dials a number, telling whoever it is on the other line that she needs somebody to escort a patient into the back.

For once, I’m glad that somebody else knows what’s going on.

A nurse comes out of a side door, and motions us to follow her.  I grip Tarin’s hand tightly as we make our way down the hall behind her, and I’m never more thankful when she opens a door and tells us to go inside.  There’s a hospital bed laid out in the center of the room, which I make Tarin lie down on immediately, kissing her forehead softly before turning back to the nurse.  “Thanks.”

She nods.  “He’ll be in shortly to see you.  Can she keep down fluids?”

I shake my head.  “Not today.”

“I’ll get the IV.”  

She walks out and I let out another long breath, as I pull up a chair next to the bed and stroke Tarin’s forehead lightly.

“What’d she say?” Tarin asks me tiredly.  “Is the doctor coming now?”

“She’s going to get you something so you’ll feel better,” I tell her with a soft smile.  “You’ll be okay.”

“Trace.”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she says, giving me a weak smile.  “I really am.”

I just shake my head, having no reason to blame her.  “It happens,” I say softly.  “You were scared and so was I.”

“Still,” she croaks.  “You were only doing what you could.”

“It’s okay,” I reassure her again with another soft kiss.  “You can make it up to me when you feel better,” I smirk.

“Oh, you would say that right now.”

I wink at her, and laugh.  “You know me too well.”

The nurse returns minutes later with the promised IV, and I hold Tarin’s hand tightly as the nurse places the needle into her arm.  She doesn’t flinch much, and I know my strong woman has started to come back to me.  I glance at her slightly as the nurse finishes what she’s doing, and find that she’s smiling back at me.  She feels safe now...secure, and I’m so thankful that I figured out the best option, that I took care of her.  

“Now you two just sit tight,” the nurse says, as she hands me a clip board.  “Fill this out for me, and I’ll be back in a little bit.  The doctor will be in shortly.”

I nod, and thank her, waiting until she’s left the room to start filling out the form.  Tarin doesn’t say much, and after a couple of minutes she’s completely silent.  When I look over, I find that she’s fallen asleep, and it means that the IV must be doing something good for her.  It’s a relief.  I almost feel whole again, until I start to take a closer look at the form on the clip board.

Martial status?

Place of residence?

Occupation?

History of mental illness or disease?

Oh god.

Do you drink more than two times a week?

Do you or any members of your family have a history of alcoholism?

Do you smoke?

Have you or your significant other been tested for HIV in the past twelve months?

This is overwhelming, and it’s just a god damn piece of paper.  If a piece of paper is this hard, how many problems are we going to run into  from now until the baby is out?  I have no fucking clue.  I need my family right now, and that’s just not possible.  I have to be strong right now though, figure shit out on my own like I’ve done so many times in the past. I can do this.  I raise the pen to the paper.  Trace, you can do this.  

I’m about halfway through the questionnaire by the time the doctor makes his way into our room.  I rub Tarin’s arm gently, and whisper to her so she’ll wake up.  She does, and sits up in the bed as the doctor greets us with a customary hello.  I stand up and shake his hand firmly, letting out a relieved sigh when he cracks a casual joke about something I barely pay attention to.

At least the guy has a personality.

Doctor Taylor shakes Tarin’s hand lightly as well, and starts to ramble off a bunch of stuff that I can’t comprehend.  He needs to do tests, make appointments for us, and set expectations for Tarin’s pregnancy.  That’s fine with me, as long as he knows what he’s doing.

“What do you do for work, Mr. Ayala?”

“You can call me Trace,” I smirk, and eye Tarin quickly.  “I’m in the music business but sort of freelance right now.”

“So you’re able to take care of her?”

I nod.  “Yeah, I’m not going anywhere.”  Tarin squeezes my hand a little and I look back at her and smile.  “Just tell me what I need to do.”

“Well you’re looking at a December baby.  December seventeenth the way I’m figuring it right now, but that could all change.  I’ll know more by the next visit,” he smiles.  “Since it’s your first baby, I suggest enrolling in some parenting classes, and Lamaze is also a good idea.”

“Parenting classes?” I scoff.

“Just to prepare you. You two seem awfully young,” he tells us.  

“I think we can figure it out,” I say, slightly annoyed.  I mean, why the hell should I pay somebody to tell us how to take care of our own kid? That makes no sense to me at all.  We’re not fucking sixteen.

“Trace, he has a good point,” Tarin persists.  “They’ll teach us things that we have to know.”

“My mom can help with that stuff,” I whisper.

“Your mom doesn’t even know about this!”

“I’m only making a friendly suggestion,” Doctor Taylor laughs.  “The choices of course, are ultimately yours.  Now, Tarin, I’m going to prescribe you some prenatal vitamins to help with the morning sickness.  It’s not a cure, but it should help somewhat.  I want to see you back here in a few days for your next visit.  Hopefully the both of you can make it,” he nods, and scribbles something down on a pad, before ripping the page off and handing it to me.  “You can get this filled at any pharmacy.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly, feeling a little foolish for arguing with Tarin in front of him.  “I’m...sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry, son.”  He pats my shoulder.  “The first time is always the hardest.  I hate the cut this appointment short, but it was a little spur of the moment, and I have a few patients backed up in the waiting room.  I want you both back here on Monday, and we’ll take care of all the tests and things then.  If you have any issues beforehand, make sure you call the office.”

He shakes both of our hands, and we agree to meet him again on Monday, before he bids us a goodbye.  The nurse comes in again soon after, and checks Tarin’s vitals quickly before removing the IV and suggesting that she stays in bed for the rest of today and tomorrow if possible, before giving us the go ahead to leave.  I help Tarin to her feet, and we leave the room, making a short stop at the secretary’s desk to make an appointment for Monday, before we’re finally out of there.

“Fuck baby,” Tarin whispers as we walk hand in hand back to the car.  “Did that just happen?”

I sigh.  “Yep.”

“Trace.”

I stop walking and so does she.  Then she’s gazing up at me, her eyes glossy all over again, obviously overcome with emotion due to the situation.  “It’ll be okay,” I promise her, wiping a stray curl off of her forehead.  “We’ll just...do what the doctor says.”

“You don’t have to keep pretending you’re not scared,” she whispers.  “Hell, you already know that I am.”

“I can’t be scared,” I tell her quietly.  “I need to be strong for you.”

She shakes her head.  “We can be strong for each other.”

She leans into me after that, and I dont’ hesitate to plant a soft kiss on her lips for a few seconds.

“When are we going to tell people?” She whispers.  “I mean...like our parents?”

I pull her by the hand and we start walking towards the car again.  “Let’s just take one step at a time.”

“Well, it’s pretty important, right? I mean we’re supposed to have that barbeque with my parents on Sunday.  Maybe we should...”

“We have to figure out our shit before we start telling the whole damn world,” I grumble as we reach the car.  “Hell, Tar, we don’t even know what’s going to happen on Monday yet.”

“I need my mom,” she says quietly.  “I’m confused as hell and I need her advice, all right?  I have to tell her.”

I open the door for her once we get to the car.  “I haven’t even met her,” I say, making sure she gets in okay before closing her in and getting in the drivers side.  “Is that what you want your family’s first impression of me to be? Some guy that knocked you up?”

“No.” She yanks her seatbelt on.  “But it’s not going to be easier if we keep it from them, either.  In a few weeks I’m going to start showing.”

I sigh and start the car up.  “Well we won’t wait that long then.”

She doesn’t say anything, just props her chin up with her hand and stares out the window.  I know it’s because she doesn’t want to blow up at me anymore today. She feels like shit still, and so do I.  The best thing to do is let it go, mull everything over in our minds, and try to make the day go smoothly when she takes me to meet her parents on Sunday.  

“You know,” Tarin speaks up after we drive for awhile.  “Mel still wants me to come to the party at Justin’s on Saturday.”

I don’t look over at her.  The awkward feeling is taking over me immediately, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. She says if I don’t go, it’s only going to be her and a bunch of men, so I said I’d be there.”

“You sure you’re up for that?” I say, chuckling a little.

“Just because you guys got into it...”

“I don’t care if you go,” I cut her off harshly.  “Do what you want.”

“God, stop being an asshole.  It’s not my fault you gave Melanie an attitude on the phone the other day.  You should have kept your issues with Justin away from her.  She didn’t do anything to you.”

They tell each other more than I realize, and I’m thankful I’ve held back a lot of information from Melanie.  If Tarin knew half the shit I’ve pulled to get Kerri’s life back on track, she wouldn’t be sticking around.  I didn’t meant to give Melanie an attitude on the phone either.  After the conversation we had that day inside the guest house, I felt myself being able to trust her with almost anything, because I knew she wouldn’t have told Justin about Tarin’s pregnancy without my permission.  I was just...so damn stressed when she called, and really angry with Justin.  Hearing her ask me if he was doing okay sort of set me off, and with Kerri sitting there I didn’t want to allude to anything.

Like...that Justin isn’t really single anymore.

It’s why I lied to her, told her that Melanie’s name was Melissa, that she was the cleaning lady, and held no significance in Justin’s life.  It was a safe play.  I’m not sure how Kerri will react when she finds out the truth, I just know I don’t want to be anywhere near her when she does.  I mean, she’s dating this Cooper guy, but I know that she’s still hung up on Justin at the same time.  If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have been such a mess that day at the radio station.  Fuck, she kept telling me how good Justin looked, and I just couldn’t understand how she could put what he did to her off to the side like that.

I guess no matter how much time passes, Kerri’s feelings for Justin will be something I’ll never understand.

“I know that,” I finally reply.  “I made another stupid decision, Tarin.”

“Well I’m making you come with me,” she tells me, looking at me now with her eyes narrowed, her expression serious.  “You can apologize, and talk things out with Justin.”

“Tarin...”

“You’re doing it,” she repeats.  “I”m not going to watch you sit around and be miserable all the time because you can’t work things out with your best friend and his new girlfriend.  You’re both adults, and you can both get over it.”

Wonderful.  Not only do I have to kiss her parents ass this weekend, but I have to try and solve my issues with Justin at the same time.  What the fuck? I mean, doesn’t Tarin understand how much pressure I’m under? “Why are you pushing this?”

“Things arent’ going to get easier,” she reminds me quietly.  “It’s time to get the bad shit out of the way and deal with what’s really important Trace.  This baby is the most important thing, at least, it should be.”

“God, of course it is,” I grunt. “Stop trying to make me feel like a shit head.”

“I”m just saying,” she says in a sing song voice.  “There’s no room for drama anymore.  Oh, and this little secretive bullshit you have going on with Kerri is stopping right now too.”

“What?”

She’s not stupid, and I can’t deny the fact that I’m sure she knows I’ve been helping Kerri out for the past few weeks.  I’m getting nervous because I have no idea what she’s going to do...if she’s going to leave me or do something irrational.  I couldn’t handle it right now.  Not since past three days have been with no sleep and barely any food in my system due to worrying about Tarin.  “I’m sorry,” I mutter.  

“Justin didn’t have a clue Kerri worked with me,” she tells me, sternly.  “You and Kerri both knew that too, but you didn’t make any attempt to make things less awkward.  I’ve been trying to look past all of that, Trace.  You’ve known her your whole life, and hell...David is giving me the promotion, so I’m sure you had your reasons for doing what you did.  Still though, if we’re going to make this all work we can’t keep secrets from each other.  I’m not going to bother listening to whatever excuse your concocting in your head right now either.  Let’s just move on, and not have to have this conversation anymore.”

I just nod, knowing it’s all I can do without pressing the issue anymore.  It’s obvious she doesnt’ care about the truth of the situation, and I guess...I guess that’s good.  She just wants to move past it, because we do have a lot more important things to focus on right now.  I’m thankful to my kid, and to my sperm too, as crazy as that sounds.  If it weren’t for them, I’d probably be fighting with Tarin still, because she’d care about the truth and I wouldn’t want to give it to her.

Someday I’ll tell my kid this story, and it’ll probably think I’m a crazy old man.

Christ, to think that I’ll be old one day...be looking back on all this as a distant memory almost scares me.

But I can’t let it scare me right now.

We get back to my place, and I let the answering machine play while helping Tarin get back into bed.  Johnny’s voice fills the condo, and I basically ignore what he has to say.  It’s something about Justin, and some interview, which I could care less about.  Tarin doesn’t ask me about it either, so I’ll just get back to him later.  I fluff the pillow and help her to lay down as the machine beeps over to the next message, and we both pause as we hear the feminine voice come over the line.

“Hi big brother!” Brittany’s voice chirps brightly.  “So, word on the street is, Justin is having a little party at his house on Saturday.  First of all, I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me, and secondly, let’s cancel that dinner we were supposed to have on Friday.  I’ll just see you and this girlfriend of yours at Justin’s, all right? Call me later.  Byeee.”

Fuck.

“Your sister?” Tarin scoffs tiredly, placing a hand to her forehead.  “You didn’t tell me we were going to have dinner with her.”

“Things got kind of hectic,” I groan.  “She wants to meet you, so I told her that I’d set something up.”

“Wonderful,” she sighs.  

“Hey you’re making me meet your parents the next day,” I say with a smirk as I pull the comforter over her body.  “We’re even.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

She searches my expression for a response, and I know she can tell that I’m scared shitless of giving her an answer.  Ideally, I was going to try and wait...but I know that’s stupid.  Somehow, the news would reach Brittany’s ears and she’d hate me for keeping something so important from her.  “We’ll see what happens.”

“Well, Trace, you need to give me a straight answer,” Tarin snaps.  “I need to be prepared.”

“I don’t know yet, all right!” I snap back.  “Can you just give me a few minutes to straighten myself out?  Shit girl, it’s like I have to have an answer for you right away, for every little thing.”

She turns over and doesn’t respond to me after that, meaning she’s pissed.  I feel like shit now, of course, but I don’t go lay next to her so I can try and comfort her.  I’m too aggravated, too afraid I’ll end up saying something that I don’t mean.  I turn out the light instead, and leave the bedroom, making sure to close the door behind me.

Finally, I’m alone.

I go through a six back of Coors on my couch, while watching some NASCAR on the tv.  It makes me feel good, and when I start in on the next six pack, it makes me feel even better.  I probably shouldn’t be doing this.  It’s not good.  I’ve already seen the results of what too much alcohol can do to a person.

For some reason though, none of it matters to me right now.

I pass out after the tenth beer, and don’t wake up for a long long time.  When I start to come around again, I smell the familiar scent of burgers floating in the air.  My vision is blurry when I begin to open my eyes, and I can just make out my girlfriends slender figure standing by the stove.  God, she’s beautiful.  I think I could marry her...maybe one day...

Fuck Trace, snap out of it.

I sit straight up, feeling slightly sick and knowing I need water.  “Babe,” I groan.

“Here.”

She’s sitting next to me now, and my vision finally clears up enough that I can see her beautiful face again.  She’s handing me a glass of water, with a tired expression, and I know all too well that I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did earlier.  “Thanks.”  I take the glass from her and sip the water, starting to feel slightly better once half the liquid is gone.

“Trace.”

She’s touching my cheek and I smile as I put my hand up to the one that’s on my face.  “Yeah?”

She kisses me softly, and crawls onto my lap.  My arms immediately go around her body, and I hold her close to me, despite the fact that I still feel a little bit sick.

“I didn’t mean to make you so stressed that you felt the need to drink all the beer,” she whispers.

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “And I didn’t mean to be a bastard, but shit happens.”  I inch my hand up the back of her shirt, caressing her silky smooth skin gently with the tips of my fingers.   

“I made dinner,” she whispers with a smile as I start to suck at her neck.  “You want to eat?”

“Hmm...yeah,” I say, almost in a daze, knowing I’m still partially drunk.  “After.”

“After what?” She giggles.

I gently push her off of my lap so I can get up, and lift her into my arms.  “After,” I say with a light laugh.

“Trace! Put me down!,” she squeals, kicking her feet playfully in the air as I carry her into the bedroom and place her on the bed.  

We have raunchy, wild, makeup sex.  I’m almost always the best in bed when I’m drunk too.  Or...maybe I just like the sensation best when I’m drunk.  I really don’t know.  We both collapse against each other after the fourth time around, and I pull her close, kiss her head and rub her body with my hands.  She’s drenched in sweat and so am I, but all we can seem to do is smile.  We can’t take this for granted, I know that.  Soon, we won’t be having much, if any, sex.  That’s going to be the test for us too....that’s how we’ll know what we’re really like as a couple.

I just hope we don’t go crazy in a nine month period, and that the good outweighs the bad.

“You wanna eat now?” She asks me after awhile.

I look back at her and smile, knowing that I shouldn’t worry so much.  “That sounds great.”

She goes to the kitchen, naked, which is so fucking hot to me, and she returns soon after with a plate of food for the two of us.  We eat in bed naked together, watching family feud, and I can’t think of a time in the past six months that I’ve been happier.  Things are so calm with us when we’re not fighting, when she’s not being high maintenance and I have my head together.  I wish things could always be this way, and maybe...maybe if we both try really hard we can make it so.  Maybe the baby will help us grow, help us get to know each other even more than we think we do.

I hope like hell that it does.  Otherwise, I really don’t know how we can make this relationship survive.