It’s weird how a situation can turn around in the blink of an eye. How two best friends can completely hate each other one minute, and be acting like true comrades the next. Honestly, I never thought Justin and Trace would speak again after that day at the radio station. I thought they were both too stubborn, and at their wits end with each other to try. But now I know just how close they really are. It’s more than a friendship with them. It’s like they’re brothers, and brothers fight...brothers do and say unspeakable things to each other, but at the end of the day they’re still bonded.
And I know no matter what happens, Justin will always have Trace, and Trace will always have Justin.
I’ve officially been deemed a member of their little family now, and I get the feeling there’s about three people in the world that get this privilege. Not that it’s prestigious or anything, those two are a couple of nerds. But...at the same time, I can’t deny the fact that I’ve fallen in love with the both of them. One much more intensely than the other of course. Trace told me just the other day on the phone that he doesn’t think he could go on living if I wasn’t around every day, and it’s just so weird to me. We’re not attracted to each other, and we never will be...but yet I’m still that important to him. Yeah, he was an asshole the day of the radio interview but...he made up for it. He’s come to the house nearly every day this week to bring the garbage out, and that’s more than made up for the way he acted.
I never thought somebody would try so hard to restore my faith in them.
I’d been excited about the party at first. Really excited. It was the first time in years that I was going to be able to “fit in” so to speak. I could cook, spend time with my new girlfriend, and cuddle with Justin all at the same time. I came alive at the thought of it, busied myself preparing for the party and completely ignored the fact that Justin was continuing to brood over Tarin’s invitation. Of course I’d asked her to come, despite what had transpired between Justin and Trace. I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being alone with Justin and two of his male friends that I’d never met before. I figured if Tarin was there, she would help me to feel a little bit more comfortable around a couple of strange men.
But Justin wasn’t considering any of that, most likely because he had no clue that I was uncomfortable with the situation at all.
“I don’t see why you told her she could still come,” he grunted from his spot in the doorframe. “You know she’s gonna bring Trace.”
I didn’t turn around from my food preparation to meet what I knew would be a pathetically stubborn look. “So what if she does?” I replied with a sigh. “We’re adults right? I mean...I know I am.”
“I’m not comfortable with him being here,” he told me softly. “You know why.”
This time I forced myself to turn and face him. His arms were crossed, naturally, and his gaze was fixed on the floor. He couldn’t look at me because deep inside he knew he was being childish, but his stubborn side wouldn’t let him confess any of that, or move past the punching match he’d gotten into with Trace. It was pretty horrific, I could give him that. If I had been in his situation, I don’t know how I would have been acting either, so I decided to give Justin the benefit of the doubt. “Let’s just see how the night goes. I know...I know you’re still really angry at him....”r32;r32;“I’m a hell of a lot more than angry at him, Mel,” he cut me off, and looked up into my eyes. I could see a hint of rage in his expression, and I swallowed hard, hating that it was making me so uneasy. I felt that I shouldn’t have been afraid of him anymore. He wasn’t a stranger, or a bully, he was...my boyfriend, as much as still felt weird to consider him that, and there was no reason to be afraid.
But I figured I would always feel that way, around any guy, no matter what.
“Well...fine,” I huffed and slapped my hands on my thighs. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I want Tarin to come, she’s my friend.”
He just nodded. “Fine. Just let me know what you want me to help you with.”
With that he shut up, and I was pretty surprised but decided not to push him about it. I didn’t want that anger I saw in his expression to worsen, so I simply put him to work cleaning up a few things and folding some left over laundry. It wasn’t too long before Jason and Marty both arrived, and, after I was introduced as someone other than “that chick on the phone,” they proceeded to haul Justin away to the television for a glorious afternoon of basketball and guy talk. He was laughing after the first ten minutes, and that told me things might not go as badly as I’d predicted.
It took me awhile to join them. It was silly, I knew I had nothing to fear from either Jason or Marty. They were both polite to me when we said hello, and Jason even cracked a few jokes to lighten me up a bit. I think he’s the type of person that can tell if you’re nervous or uncomfortable around him, and I guess that’s a good thing. He had me laughing before I had the chance to decide if he was a dangerous person to be around. It felt good to know that Justin had reconnected with him. I knew he was a good friend to him, and Justin needed more of that in his life. I think only having myself and Trace to talk to might have been driving him bonkers...
Or maybe it was just driving Trace bonkers.
I brought out a tray of snacks and a cooler of beers for the guys, who thanked me profusely before starting to shovel the cheese and pepperoni on a stick into their mouths. I started back toward the kitchen but Justin grabbed my hand halfway there, and pulled me down onto the couch with him. He did the unexpected then, pulled me close to him, smiling gently as he placed a soft kiss on my lips. I immediately became paralyzed. Two people who only just met me, had just witnessed Justin’s feelings toward me. I was sure they knew I was his girlfriend then, and I didn’t know if that was the greatest thing in the world. I kept thinking...what if one of them mentioned it to Lynn? She’d surely call me asking questions, or even worse...come to see what was going on. I peered back over my shoulder when Justin wasn’t paying attention, to see how the guys were reacting to our kiss.
You would have thought nothing happened at all.
They were so busy watching the game and arguing about the players they didn’t seem to have noticed, or if they did...they didn’t care. What did that mean though? Was it normal for Justin to have his arms wrapped around a girl during a get together with his friends? Did he usually kiss his girlfriends in front of other people? I realized I had no idea, and I also realized that it was part of the “old” Justin starting to shine through to me. He was transforming even more rapidly than I thought. He was becoming normal again, happy again...
So I figured I should stop asking myself a million questions, and savor the moment while I still could. It was a rare occurrence when Justin was really secure with himself, so I snuggled up against him, allowing him to tighten his embrace around me and kiss the top of my head. I felt myself smile, my insides turned to mush. I realized that he had that crazy effect on me, more than ever before. Everyday it was getting harder and harder to be serious with him...stern with him. With one smile he could make me forget why I was aggravated with him. I didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. I just knew that I didn’t want the way I felt about him to go away...ever, despite the fact that the smallest part of me was uneasy when he kissed and touched me. I desperately tried to force those feelings back though. I just wasn’t ready for him to know that side of me yet. I was like a little girl, having fun on her summer break.
But I knew eventually...that time would have to end.
Our sentimental moment was put on hold when Trace, Tarin, and his sister Brittany arrived at the party. Naturally, Justin was cordial with Tarin and Brittany. He welcomed them into the party almost as soon as I did, but when he laid eyes on his would be best friend, the enthusiasm in his expression quickly faded to nothing again. He made it a point to let Trace know just how unwelcome he was, and I can’t say I was any better, spouting off a sarcastic remark in response when he greeted me. I was still infuriated with him then, and was really confused as to how well I knew him because of his attitude on the phone with me a few days prior.
After being made to feel awkward and out of place, he quickly escaped to the kitchen, and I proceeded to clean up the cups and plates because Justin was starting to act childish and I didn’t want to yell at him in front of his friends. Once the bag was full, I banged my way through the kitchen door, spying Trace standing against the sink sipping on a beer. I groaned inwardly, not wanting to have to talk to him, but knowing he wasn’t going to let me simply ignore him without trying to win my affection back. It was just Trace’s way, and I knew that, so I guess it’s why I decided to hear him out when he asked me if I was going to “hate him forever”.
His apologies were surprisingly genuine, at least by my terms, and I found myself semi forgiving Trace by the end of our little chat, telling him that taking out the garbage for me was a step in the right direction to getting on my good side once again. Everything started to seem carefree after that...for about twenty minutes to be exact. We were relaxing in the family room, Justin had calmed down, and the party started to seem fun.
Then Jason decided we needed to liven things up a little bit.
Justin announced that he wasn’t going to play anything if he had to be on Trace’s team, and Tarin decided to give Justin her opinion on how he was acting then. It made him shut up, but it also made Trace decide that he had to take a phone call that had come up unexpectedly. I almost started to feel bad. Anybody could tell that Trace was trying, but Justin was too stubborn and pig headed to see that.
But I couldn’t focus on Trace for long.
“So what’s this game about?” Trace’s sister had spoken up quickly after he had left the room, probably sensing how pissed off Tarin was and how much the party had started to fall apart.
“It’s sort of like kinky truth or dare. You ask each other questions,” Jason said nonchalantly, as he opened the box and started to set up the game board.
I already didn’t like where the situation was going.
We were split up into teams soon after that. It was Tarin, Brittany and I against the three guys. Justin seemed like he could care less about the subject matter, and everybody else seemed to find humor in the fact that we were about to ask each other ridiculous questions. Everyone except me that is. I had enough reasons not to want to touch on the subject of sex, except...Justin didn’t know anything about that, and I didn’t want him to.
I figured I’d have some time to ease into the game, watch the others embarrass themselves so I could figure out a way to make the game less painful for myself. But when Jason handed me a small box full of question cards and told me I had to ask Justin first, an overwhelming feeling of panic filled me up inside.
“Mel, are you okay?” Tarin asked me suddenly, when I simply stared at the box like I didn’t know what to do.
I looked up at her and quickly glanced around the room. They were all staring, Justin most of all, and I felt like a complete moron. I straightened myself out quickly though, laughed it off as though I had simply spaced out for a second, and forced myself to pick a card. “What is the most exciting place you’ve ever had sex?” I said it almost robotically, cringing profusely inside because I really, really didn’t want to know the answer.
The whole room cracked up within seconds, but I didn’t look at anybody besides Justin. He was staring back at me, a cute little smile resting on his lips, before he began to speak again. “That was really the question?”r32;
I sighed, feeling my cheeks turning hot automatically, and nodded my head.
“Well...” Justin sort of laughed and eyed Jason, who proceeded to cover his face and laugh quietly to himself from his position on the sofa. “Well I don’t know if it was exciting, but one time on tour, I had sex with my girlfriend on the moving runway one night after the show was over.”
“Was it actually moving?” Tarin asked him, skeptically.
He flashed all of us a proud smile. “Of course.”
My face was on fire at the notion of that. I could picture him in my mind, on top of some gorgeous girl, having wild sex on a conveyor belt.
“You’re blushing.”
Marty had called me out on it, and everybody else decided to play along.
“I just...”
“Justin, I think Melanie needs to try that,” Brittany spoke up suddenly. “I think you should build one here or something.”
I was lucky enough to watch Justin and Jason laugh together for a good ten minutes after that. I figured Jason had been around to hear this story more than once since he’d been friends with Justin. Despite the fact that the whole game was making me feel extremely uncomfortable, and I was embarrassed as hell by Brittany’s comment, I couldn’t help but be a little happy for Justin. He was finally making a necessary connection with his friend. One that was allowing them to become more comfortable with each other, and I guessed it was worth me being uncomfortable for a little while if it got Justin to smile.
“You were always a freak,” Tarin rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, eyeing me slightly and smirking at me. “I’m surprised they didn’t cage you up at night.”
“You’d know all about Justin being a freak, Tarin.” Jason spoke up before Justin could think up a good comeback, and laughed a little. “Right?”
She was silent.
So was Justin.
I looked at him strangely for a moment as he moved his game piece. I didn’t get the joke. Was it supposed to be funny though? I stole a glance at Tarin, but she didn’t react to me. It made my mind start to swim with a thousand questions. Just how long had Tarin known Justin? What had their relationship been like? God, I didn’t want to think those kinds of things. Surely, if Tarin and Justin had ever messed around I would have heard about it.
Justin was done keeping things from me, I was certain.
No, it just wasn’t possible. Tarin was wild but...I couldn’t see her with Justin. I forced myself to put it out of my mind. It was just the game...it was making me crazy.
“My turn!”
Justin grabbed the box of cards out of my hands before I could think of any other crazy ideas, and grinned at me as he pulled out a card, the question flowing from his lips much faster than I wanted it to.
“When was the last time you had sex?”
It had to be that question. Of course it would be though. I didn’t have enough luck to get a ‘what was your first kiss?’ type of question. I felt my hands start to tremble slightly, and had to sit on them to make me stop. I looked up into the faces of my teammates and opponents, who were all eagerly awaiting my response. How I wished I could have been like them then...young, carefree, and completely comfortable discussing their sexual histories. None of them had been raped, that I was sure of....
Unfortunately for me, my rape was the last time I’d been sexually active, and I couldn’t figure out why I was able to sit there still, without losing my breathe and vomiting all over the carpet.
I forced myself to turn back into the person I had been so many years ago. The one who could hold her feelings back, smile, and make up anything you could imagine simply so her truth wouldn’t be brought out into the open. “Last New Years...” I trailed off, waiting for somebody to start laughing, or start pointing at me screaming “LIAR!!”, but it didn’t happen, so I knew I had to go on with my lie. “I was at a party and a friend of mine brought a bottle of champagne and one thing lead to another...” I thought a moment, and pictured the only safe option in my mind. I saw Cooper, his smile, and his honesty before me. He welcomed me into his arms and told me to use him...that he wanted me to do it so I could be kept safe. “It wasn’t anything magical, but it’s still a night I remember.”
It was a safe answer, and everybody seemed to buy it. Even Justin, who seemed to be very intrigued with the idea of me having sex. I was positive he was thinking naughty thoughts about me then, and it made me even more uncomfortable than I already had been, but I shrugged off the feeling and let the game continue. It was my turn again soon enough, and naturally I picked out another embarrassing question to ask Justin.
“Have you ever thought about having sex with the same gender, and if so, who did you fantasize about?”
Everybody laughed. Even I did, because the question was so weird and I was thankful that the game had started to turn around for me. But when I looked back to Justin for his answer, I felt my stomach flip. He looked so pale, so out of it. It was strange, as he’d been smiling and laughing just moments before when Jason was asked if he’d ever had sex upside down. I didn’t know what was wrong, but knew that it wasn’t good at all. “Justin?”
“I um...” He looked around the room as everybody stared at him, like he couldn’t find his voice and had no idea what to do.
“Jus...man, you all right?” Jason spoke up. “You look like you saw a ghost or something.”
“I just need some air.” He quickly pushed up from his comfortable seat, and rushed out of the room. I could hear the patio door sliding open a few moments later, and knew he’d simply gone outside.
But I couldn’t escape the feeling that some of his inner demons had suddenly come back to haunt him, for seemingly no reason at all. I just didn’t get it, and I wanted to run out and ask him what was going on. Something forced me to hold back though, and I didn’t know what it was.
“So much for this party.” Tarin rolled her eyes and sat back, letting out a long, miserable sigh. “What’s his problem now?”
Nobody responded. I think the situation had become too awkward, and everybody was simply trying to move on to the next thing. Brittany got up and got herself another beer, the guys started cleaning up the game, and I proceeded to put a movie on while Tarin continued to sit and brood with her arms crossed. It definitely wasn’t how I wanted the party to go. The moment Trace walked in the door, the whole thing seemed to go downhill. I couldn’t help but blame myself, and secretly wished I’d granted Justin’s wish in the first place to not have Tarin come to the party, as terrible as that was.
I reluctantly began to watch the movie, and everyone else seemed to give up and do the same. I was worried about Justin too, but due to the stress he was experiencing, I figured it was better to let him be alone and think for the time being. Not that it did me any good. I couldn’t relax, the only thing I could focus on was him, and it was making me feel sick to my stomach.
“Mel...Mel come here.”
I looked back over my shoulder. Tarin had gotten up from her seat and was standing in the kitchen, peeking through the closed blinds. I looked back at the other members of our party, who were seemingly unfazed by my interruption, so I took the opportunity to be a poor hostess for the moment and went to see what was going on.
“Look at those idiots.” She told me angrily when I approached her.
I sighed as I stepped up next to her, and peeked through the blinds as she held them apart for me. Sure enough, Justin and Trace were out on the deck, screaming at each other. I reached the end of my patience then. They were both acting like a couple of children, when they should have been glad they had each other. “Morons,” I muttered. “Who do you think will get thrown over the railing first?”
She sighed. “It’s a toss up.”
“Have they always been this way?” I asked her, figuring she’d been around them longer and would know more about it than I would. “Like...fighting and arguing?”
“No.” She shook her head sadly. “Never like this.”
“They need a wake up call,” I nodded. “Like...today.”
Her vague expression suddenly turned into a mischievous one, and she looked at me with wide, excited eyes. “Oh man. I have the best idea ever.”
Tarin suggested we lock the guys in the laundry room and not let them out until they realized how stupid they were acting. Normally the thought would have made me uncomfortable and scared about Justin’s reaction. But I was so tired of their fighting. They’d been through traumatic things together over the past year, and should have been thankful that they still were able to spend time together. “Let’s do it,” I told her, with a smirk.
Before we were able to follow through with our plan, we figured it would only be fair to explain ourselves to the people watching the movie in the living room. Brittany seemed delighted with the plan, and told us she’d be willing to help out, which made me like her even more. The guys didn’t seem all that thrilled about it though. They laughed a little, but said that they didn’t want to stick around to watch Justin and Trace battle our their issues like ‘a couple of fags’, and told us they’d see us soon before grabbing their stuff and quickly departing. I felt bad, but figured it was for the best, and I knew Justin would speak to them again soon...because I would make sure of it.
I made my way out to the deck quickly after that, and found that I’d gotten there just in time. Justin had Trace shoved up against the house, his fist raised as if he was about to hit him. They both looked completely enraged when I called out to them, as if I had a nerve interrupting their stupid fight.
“What!” Justin snapped at me.
I stared them both down, and placed my hands on my hips. “Well I’m sorry to interrupt your little banter out here, but Tarin is getting sick inside and I figured Trace would want to know!”
Trace’s face went white as a ghost, and Justin eased up on him slightly. Then we were all rushing through the house, toward the designated room that we intended to shut the guys up in. Justin asked what was wrong with Tarin, to which I lied and said that I wasn’t sure. Trace was freaking out the whole time, not surprisingly of course. I’m sure he thought something was up with Tarin’s pregnancy, and while that made me feel slightly bad for lying to him, I knew that there wasn’t an alternative.
It took all of thirty seconds for them both to realize Tarin was never sick in the first place, but it wasn’t long enough for them to escape out of the laundry room before the three of us slammed the door and locked it on them. Pounding on the door ensued, in which Tarin replied that we weren’t letting them out until they learned to play nice.
Did it teach them a lesson? I don’t know about all that. But I do know that when they came out, they seemed brighter...like the two friends I remembered from before the radio interview. They even had a beer together, Justin congratulating Trace about the baby, and Trace...Trace telling him that he was glad we had finally gotten together. It was a little odd hearing him say that, but I figured it was the first time Justin had really told Trace how he felt about me. Maybe it’s lame, but it made me feel kind of warm inside to know that he fully accepted us as a couple, even though I’d never tell him that.
The party was Friday night, and by Tuesday I realized the drama from that day hadn’t made itself present in the new week, so I was forever thankful. I figured we were both too busy to create any though. Justin’s mornings seemed to be filled with phone calls and trips to see his people with Trace from the moment we finished our ritual morning jogs, as his single was getting ready to be released to radio. I was busy as well trying to pack us up for the trip to Tennessee, running last minute errands, and trying to find a kind soul to watch two wild puppies for us. Needless to say, we haven’t been able to spend much time together this week. We’ve both been tired in the evenings, sometimes only having the energy to eat a quick dinner together before he tells me he has another early morning the next day. It’s not without reluctance though. I miss being around him as much as I used to be in the beginning, but I know this was my ultimate goal to achieve for Lynn...to get Justin running his own life again. Now that I’ve done that though, the smallest part of me is afraid of him getting out into the world again. He cares about me a lot, I know that but...he’s going to tour, he’s going to promote, and eventually he’s going to make a new album.
Will I fit in in a year or two like he thinks I do now?
I was surprised when my mom called me Friday morning. She told me she’d just gotten back from Milan, and realized she hadn’t talked to me in over a month. I rolled my eyes at her comment of course. It was nothing new for us to go without speaking for several months or up to a year, but since I was feeling pretty good, I played along and pretended I was glad to hear from her.
“So how’s LA, Mel?” She asked me in a way that Tarin would if we were on a trip to the mall. “Are you having a good time with Justin and your new friends?”
I didn’t know what to tell her, because she knew nothing about them. I figured she was getting the low down from Lynn on how I’d adjusted to life out here, how I’d formulated a bond with Trace and the rest of the people in Justin’s life. “I’m happy to say the least,” I told her with forced enthusiasm. “Los Angeles is a lot different from San Francisco, but it’s not so bad. ”
“Well Lynn tells me you’re going down to Memphis to meet the family in a few days,” she told me excitedly. “That sounds like a nice time.”
“Yeah.” I busied myself with folding one of Justin’s many tee shirts and throwing it into his suitcase, praying she’d hang up with me sooner rather than later once she realized I wasn’t in the mood to talk with her.
“You know, I haven’t seen that boy in years,” she laughed. “How is he?”
“He’s....” I paused as I looked at the next shirt I had started to fold. It was bright red, with a picture of Elmo’s face on it, and I couldn’t fathom why on earth he would need it to wear back home. The sad thing? It had been on his packing list, and it took everything in me not to laugh over the phone. “He’s interesting,” I finally said.
“Does he like you?”
She was overstepping her boundaries, trying to dig into things that were none of her business and it immediately started to annoy the fuck out of me. “Of course. I’m still here aren’t I?”
“Don’t be so defensive, honey,” she laughed. “I’m just trying to figure out if you’ve...you know...”
r32;“Mom,” I snapped. “Come on. I work for his mother.”
As sad as it was, I had absolutely no problem lying to the woman.
“Well he’s a handsome guy, Mel.” She provided with a matter of fact tone in her voice. “You’re pretty. I bet you could get a guy like him to eat out of the palm of your hand if you took a little pride in yourself and changed your wardrobe and hair and makeup.”
I couldn’t believe her. Despite the fact that Justin and I had indeed started a relationship together, there was no way I was going to discuss it with my mom. I had no idea if she’d tell Lynn for one, and...I also didn’t want to include her in that part of my life. She’d been out of it for so long, it felt awkward to think she actually cared about any aspect of it now. Sure, she’d gotten me out of a rut when I broke down in college, but it was only out of necessity. If my grandmother could have done it, Georgia would have been a no show. “I gotta go,” I told her, making sure she knew I was annoyed.
“You know, Mel, you have to start dating sometime. You can’t have this fear of men the rest of your life...”
I hung up, wanting to throw my phone at the wall but didn’t because I knew Justin might call and worry when I didn’t answer. I pulled out some clothes and threw them around the room instead, before sliding down to the floor and holding my head in my hands. She always...always found the right moment to piss me off. Just when things were getting a little easier, when Justin was happy and I had two good friends I could rely on in Trace and Tarin, she had to come along and make my mind swim with a million questions that I knew I didn’t want to answer. Just hearing her say those things started to make me insecure about my relationship with Justin. Was I really good enough? Did he really care about me like he said he did? Maybe I was a mess. Maybe I had no sense of style and he would realize that all too quickly once I went back home with him...
Maybe he would reunite with another girl from his past and ditch me.
But I forced the thoughts out of my brain. I knew I had to, because there was a lot more work to do if we were going to be ready to leave for Memphis. Justin got home really late that night, explaining that he’d gone golfing after a meeting with Trace and they’d stopped for dinner afterwards. I didn’t care, I was just quiet, but he took that as I was angry at him. I had to go into this long detailed thing about how my mom called and pissed me off...that it wasn’t him.
He tried to make me feel better by holding me and assuring me that I could confide in him about it.
I didn’t want to, and I told him that.
The weekend was quiet and awkward because of my little spat of insecurity with him. I made sure to keep myself ridiculously busy putting operation puppy sitter into full swing. By Sunday night, after much begging and pleading, Jason finally decided he would do his new friend Melanie a favor. He was the last person that I thought would come to my rescue, simply because he’d had to endure so much crap from Justin over the past year. He told me he was trying to be a good friend though, and only asked that Justin try to hang out with him some more when we got back from Memphis. I promised him that he would be seeing a lot more of my boyfriend of course, even if it meant throwing him out of his own house for the week so he’d have to bunk at Jason’s .
He laughed at that idea, so I guess it’s a good thing.
The trip is coming up fast, too fast, and not without much insecurity on my part. Insecurity that I'm trying my damnedest to keep from Justin for fear of terrorizing him even more about the whole thing. Last night I came home from running errands, and Trace and Tarin were at the house, telling me to close my eyes or else I couldn’t come inside. I did so very skeptically, as they led me through the house, and when I was allowed to open them again, there Justin was in the kitchen. A big smile was plastered on his face as he put the final plate down on the table, and I was slightly taken back.
He cooked.
He cooked everything.
“You did this?” I walked around the table, which was filled with what could have been a Thanksgiving banquet, minus the giant turkey. He’d made a small roasted chicken instead, along with every side dish I could possibly imagine. I didn’t get it. I mean, I hadn’t even thought he liked to cook, but I assumed since I had spent so much time kicking his ass into gear, he’d rediscovered that he could do it. I was impressed...more than impressed with what he’d done, and knowing he’d gone through the effort for me made the whole thing even more special.
No guy had ever cooked for me before that night. Not even Cooper.
“Yeah. Well...I mean, Trace and Tarin helped.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and snuck a kiss on my neck. “I’m sorry for...you know, how things have been going.”
I turned to him, trying to tell him how I felt through my expression and I think he understood. “This is...so great, Justin.”
“We wanted you to get the feel of Memphis,” Trace laughed, pulling a seat out for Tarin, and allowing her to sit.
“Darlin would you eat!” Tarin said loudly, in her best southern accent. “You have nothin’ but skin on those bones!”
“And then my Nana will push you down into a chair and shove a huge plate of food in your face,” Justin explained with a smirk as he pulled out a chair and motioned for me to sit down too. “Then she’ll ask you every question in the world about what’s going on with me and why I’m not married yet, and if I plan on marrying you.”
Justin and Trace finally sat down, and all I could do was look at them both with wide eyes. “Married?” I croaked out.
“You scared her, man,” Trace chuckled and nudged Justin. “Now she’s not gonna come.”
“Don’t take it the wrong way if that happens,” Justin said, as he began to pile mounds of food onto his plate. “She doesn’t know any better, and since Trace and I are the only men left in the family who aren’t married or engaged, we expect it.”
“Yeah, just smile and nod,” Trace told me as he stole a glance at Tarin. “That’s what I do.”
The thought that Justin’s entire family would be questioning my relationship with him hadn’t fully crossed my mind until that moment. All along I assumed that I would be introduced as an employee of Lynn’s, and that would be the end of it. In that moment though, I realized there could be a time where Justin would slip up in front of his mom or his grandparents...grab my hand, kiss my cheek, or talk about me in a way that would make it more than obvious that I was his girlfriend. I didn’t know if was prepared for the repercussions of that. Lynn had done me a huge favor by giving me the job, and I was worried sick that she would hate me completely if she knew I was messing around with her only son.
But I didn’t have it in me to discuss it with him then, so I decided to put the bad thoughts out of my mind...at least until we touched down in the glorious state of Tennessee.
We leave the day after tomorrow. I got up extra early this morning, so I could start my last minute preparations. It’s amazing how much crap I have to take care of simply because Justin is leaving town for a week. I have to organize faxes, have mail held, have calls rerouted...you name it, I have it on my list. If things never changed, if Justin was the same moody bastard I met my first day here, I don’t think I would be going through all of this. But Justin has changed. He’s worked so hard to renew himself, and it’s the least I can do. I haven’t told him, probably because I’m too stubborn and strict when it comes to him bettering himself...but I couldn’t be more proud of him.
“Mel, did you already pack my Tennesse State ball cap?”
I look over my shoulder. “Which one is that?”
He huffs and adjusts the golf bag on his shoulder. “You know, it’s orange. I wanted to wear it today.”
“I didn’t pack you anything orange,” I chuckle. “One of the puppies probably stole it on you.”
“You’re dropping them off at Jason’s while I’m gone right?”
Justin is going golfing with Trace again today. Not that I’m surprised. The fact that he hasn’t been talking about going home much with me over the past few days only proves to me how worried he is about it, and I know the game will ease his mind. It doesn’t matter if he’s out of the house all day anyway. I’d actually prefer it, because I’ll end up finishing the rest of the crap I have to do with him out of my hair. If I’m lucky, I may even have a spare hour or two to rest for awhile before he gets back, and I know I need it.
“Yeah,” I say. “By the way, he says you owe him a case of beer when we get back. Either that, or a date with me. I said you’d get him the beer.”
“That fuck,” he laughs a little and drops the golf bag to the ground so he can come over and wrap his arms around me. “Tryin’ to hit on my woman.”
“Hey there,” I say, playfully. “What am I? A trophy now?”
He kisses me a little. “You’re better than a trophy,” he chuckles. “Will you pick me up a new ball cap on the way back from Jason’s?”
“You’re ridiculous,” I roll my eyes and tug back from him when he continues to plant kisses on my neck. Yeah, it feels good, I can’t deny that, but part of me still cringes at the feeling of a man’s lips on my skin. I feel terrible about it, and at times I fully expect Justin to retaliate and holler at me for not telling him what my problem is. He never does though. Sometimes he’ll get this look in his eyes though, that he knows I’m hiding something.
I don’t know how much longer I can put on this charade for him, but I can say that the feeling of dread I get when his lips touch my skin is less and less every day. I guess that’s a good thing. Still though...I wish I didn’t have to feel this way at all.
“You have a thousand hats, Justin.”r32;
“Yeah, but I’m in the spirit of my homeland. Gotta show it, you know?” He smiles.
“The spirt of your homeland?” I chuckle a little and shake my head. “You nerd.”
“Plea-aase Mel?” He begs, giving me the best puppy dog eyes he can muster. “Come on, I’ll buy you your next Soap Digest subscription if you do this.”
“Ha, yeah. Then you can steal it and keep it stashed in the bathroom for some quality reading. I think I should tell all your friends about that. I think Trace would be very amused.”r32;
He gasps. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
“C’mere.” He lunges at me playfully and I shriek a little as he slows and gently coaxes me up against the wall.
“I have ways of making you keep things a secret,” he says, the cockiness in his voice more than obvious.
I slip out from underneath him silently, a funny little smile on my face as I grab a towel off the kitchen chair and make my way out the back door.
“Where you goin girl?” I hear him calling out to me as I walk towards the pool. “I have a tee time to meet.”
I look back over my shoulder quickly. “Go ahead,” I smirk. “I’m going for a swim.”
I pull off my tee shirt when I reach the pool, having put my bathing suit on underneath my clothes this morning, figuring I’d need the refreshment of the pool later on. I look around, and when I don’t see Justin anymore I simply shrug and jump in. The cool water feels amazing against my hot skin, and I take an extra few seconds to let the water envelope me before I sputter to the surface, grabbing onto the side of the pool for support.
“Hey!”
He scares the crap out of me and I find myself shrieking like a fool. “Bastard!” I splash him angrily and all he can do is fall over on his side and laugh until his face is red.
“Oh man,” he manages several minutes later. “You should have seen your face, Mel.”
I glare at him once I regain all of my composure again. “I am so tae kwon doe-ing your ass in a minute,” I snap.
“That’s what you get for soap opera black mail.” He smirks as he begins to pull his shirt off.
“Thought you had a tee time to meet,” I mutter.
He just shrugs once he’s stripped down to nothing but his boxers. I stare at him for several moments, almost mesmerized by how toned he’s become again due to our jogs, until I see a scar or two peeking out where his shorts end. It’s disheartening to see them again, as I haven’t in awhile. I tend to forget about that...about what a danger he used to be to himself. It amazes me that he can stand up there in front of me now, not seeming to give his scars...or his nightmare, a second thought.
“Trace can wait,” he informs me. “He needs to do some practicing anyway if he expects to have a real game with me.” He backs up and rubs his hands together, winking at me slightly before he takes a running jump and cannonballs into the pool.
“Justin!” I yell as the water splashes around me like a tidal wave.
He sputters to the surface moments later. “Shit! It’s cold!”
“No it’s not,” I huff at him and cross my arms. “Your pool is heated.”
He looks at me strangely. “I can’t feel it.”
“I turned it down this morning. It’s better for circulation, you know? See, I was actually going to have a nice swim for myself before you started to act like you were three years old.”
“Well you could have told me,” he chatters, wrapping his arms around himself. “It’s fucking freezing. My lips are going to turn blue...my dick is...well...nevermind.”
“Whoa.” I hold my hands up. “Never mind is right.”
“Come on, Mel,” he smirks. “You can tell a perverted joke. You gotta have it in you.”
“Hmph,” I chuckle as I swim closer to him. “You want me to talk dirty?” I say, putting on a sultry voice for him that is completely unlike anything I’ve heard myself say in years.
He takes in a breath as he stares me down. “Yeah...”
“How dirty?” I smirk.
“Well...I...” he trails off and lets out a nervous little laugh. “I...I dunno.”
I’m close to him, so close that I could put my hands on his bare, muscular, chest and start kissing him, but I just splash him instead. “Jack ass. After that stupid game Jason made us play, I think I’ve had enough talk about perversion to last me the rest of the year.”
“It was kind of cool though,” he says as he swims in a circle around me. “Getting to hear you talk about all that stuff.”
I just shrug and swim over to the edge of the pool, immediately leaning my back against the wall and closing my eyes, letting the sun take over my body. It was a lie...all of it, except he didn’t know that. He thought I was normal, that I kicked back and had random sex because I was young wild and adventurous. At first I hadn’t felt guilty about lying during the game at all, but now that he’s telling me how intrigued he is about my sexual activity, I’m starting to feel like a fool. I should stop this, before it gets out of hand. He’s my boyfriend now, and he doesn’t need me to play mind games with him, especially after everything he’s gone through. “I...I lied,” I tell him quietly.
“Bull.”
“I’m serious.” I open my eyes and look at him again. He’s still wading in the center of the pool, looking at me like I just shattered his entire world. Fuck, why should it matter? I shouldn’t have even played the damn game.
“Why...” he trails off and shakes his head a little before meeting my gaze again. “Why would you do that?”
“Come on,” I say, disgusted. “It was game, so I played along, that’s it. Besides, making up a story is much more interesting than telling the truth.”
It becomes awkwardly quiet, the fact that I lied seeming to have confused and pissed him off all at the same time. It’s stupid, really. He should have known that I would have been uncomfortable with the subject in the first place, being that I don’t discuss it with him much. I don’t try to defend myself anymore though, there’s no point. I start swimming again, from one end of the pool to the other. He’s still in the middle when I surface, staring at me now like he’s debating what to say to me. “What, Justin?” I grunt.
“You didn’t have to play,” he tells me quietly, in an agitated tone. “Nobody would have looked down on your for it.”
I sigh roughly. "I'm not the type of person who likes to dish details of my sex life, or lack there of, for entertainments sake, Justin. Please respect that. I would have tried to make an excuse to leave, but Trace had already left to make that phone call. I was stuck."
“So you didn’t have sex last New Years?” He scowls.
“Nope.”
He laughs bitterly and scratches the side of his mouth as he looks down into the water. “It’s pretty lame that you lied, though. I mean, you could have said you didn’t want to play. We just would have watched the movie instead.”
“Damn it Justin.” I slap my hand down into the water and it gets him to look up at me again. “Ever thought about me not being completely comfortable at the party? I’d never met the rest of your friends face to face before, and I was trying my best not to be some kind of weirdo around them.”
“Nobody would have thought you were weird. Why do you constantly think that, Mel? You make no sense sometimes, you know?”
“I think it because I am!” I exclaim. “You know better than anyone how weird I am, and how hard it is for me to open up to other people, Justin.”
“Yeah but...” He trails off and rolls his eyes. “I mean, it was just sex.”
The insecurity plaguing him is more than obvious to me, although he doesn’t think so. I’ve known since we played the stupid game that it bothered him. By the way he hauled ass out of the room when he was asked a certain question, it was obvious that some vision from his kidnapping had come back to haunt him, and I didn’t know what to do for him. He hasn’t mentioned how he acted since of course, probably because he thought all the drama between him and Trace distracted me and made me forget about it. Right now though, I think he knows that he was wrong. He realizes that I do remember, and that I know he was even more uncomfortable than I was with the game. That bothers him. It bothers him that he’s still so weak in some aspects of his life and that he has to show that side of himself to me at times.
“Oh right, sex is nothing. Just two people going at it,” I tell him sarcastically. “No meaning at all.”
He turns away from me then, and leans over the edge of the pool so I’ll somehow get the hint to drop it. But I won’t drop it. Not now, because he’s pushed my emotions entirely too far. I swim over to him, and stay beside him against the pool’s wall. “Justin.”
“What.” His voice is a whisper and nothing more.
“You don’t have to pretend that sex doesn’t make you uncomfortable. I know it does, and I know you got scared at the party.”
He looks at me, a coldness taking over his expression as his nostrils flare in anger. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen him this way. The light that I’ve been growing so accustomed to seeing in his eyes is nonexistent, and I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t scaring me right now. I take the opportunity to inch away from him a little bit, and look back out over the edge of the pool again I know what it is. He’s confused about sex because something...someone made him feel so weak and defenseless that he feels he can’t be strong for a woman ever again. It’s gotta be hell for him, for somebody who used to be so confident in himself to still be so torn down by some psychos that decided his life didn’t mean anything. “You’re self conscious about sex, Justin. There’s nothing wrong with that, okay?”
“I’m not fucking uncomfortable or self conscious,” he grits his teeth as he says the words and pounds his fist on the concrete. “Did you ever think it’s just because I know you’re a prude? I mean, I want you Mel and it sucks having to wait around while you tow me along.”
I stare at him, just stare, because I’m so fucking appalled at what he just said to me. I could slap him, I really could but...God, I don’t even think I want to bother. “Why the fuck did you leave the game then, Justin? What are you going to tell me...that you were afraid you’d strip off my clothes in front of your friends?”
He doesn’t say anything else, and barely looks at me as he pulls himself up and out of the pool.
“You’re such a bastard,” I say, my voice shaking uncontrollably as I try not to cry. “I can’t believe you.”
“Just stop,” he says, a little breathlessly. “I’ll...I’ll just see you tonight.”
“Justin!” I scramble out of the pool, racing across the lawn after him when he starts to walk faster, and I’m able to stop him when he’s about to walk back inside the house. “What the hell?”
“I can’t do this right now,” he tells me sadly, refusing to meet my gaze as he slides the door open. “I can’t.”
I let him go, dumbfounded when he simply walks past me into the house. Moments later, the house phone starts to ring, and I let it, not caring about who is on the other end. I feel like I’ve just been kicked in the gut and the wind has been knocked out of me. After a few moments of standing in complete shock, I seek refuge on one of the lounge chairs nearby, sitting down and steadying myself before I lose all of my strength.
“Here, it’s Jason.”
Justin is back, handing me the phone impatiently as he stares past me. I know I have to take it, but right now I don’t want to. I could cry right over the phone and I don’t know Jason well enough to spill my problems to him. Justin doesn’t give me the chance to refuse the call though, instead he gently places the receiver down next to me, and walks away. I have to take a few deep breaths, and only take the call when I’m positive I can fake my way through it. I answer a little too brightly, and Jason says hello...asks me how I’m doing and if the dogs are all set to go. I tell him yes, he doesn’t hesitate to give me his address, and I assure him I’ll be there within the hour. I end the conversation quickly, harshly clicking the phone off before I place my face in my hands.
I hear a care engine start up about five minutes later, and I race into the house, throwing the front door open just in time to see Justin speeding off in his sports car, not seeming to give a damn if he left me here crying or not. Fuck, he didn’t even say goodbye to his precious “babies”. Something is seriously up with him. Something...more. More than the issues I already know about.
All I know is, the question that made him leave the party in the first place had to do with same sex orientated fantasies.
I just...I can’t even fathom why he’d get so uncomfortable, and I don’t want to dwell on it.
If I do, I might just stumble upon something that I have no desire to know.
***************
Author's Chapter Notes:
It's been a little bit, because this chapter involved a lot of focus on my part. Sorry about that, hope you like the update everyone.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
