The tears streamed down my face all the way to Jason’s place, and I felt like a fucking asshole. To make matters worse, it took me a good twenty five minutes to get both of the puppies together and into the car. Buckley had only recently been allowed to wander freely in the house with Brennan again, making him extra rambunctious, and it caused his sister to act accordingly as her paw was nearly back to normal. I was able to tolerate it most of the past week, but after what happened with Justin out by the pool, the lack of control I had over two little dogs really took a toll on my emotions. I practically shoved them into the backseat of Justin’s BMW and slammed the door on them, only letting myself fully break down once I’d gotten seated in the car with my seatbelt in place.
I thought about calling Tarin for about thirty seconds, knowing she would be there to listen and comfort me as always, but something stopped me. I knew the moment I started complaining about Justin and what he’d said to me, the news would get back to Trace, who in turn would start bitching at Justin. They’d finally gotten to a peaceful place within their friendship, and I don’t know...I guess I’m just not selfish enough to take that away all over again.
So I just sat there and cried.
I cried because I believed him. I was a prude and it was wrong of me to keep him waiting and wondering. I thought about how patient he’d been, telling me to take my time...that he could wait. How could I have bought into that? He was a guy and guys needed sex, at least in some form, and there I was his supposed girlfriend, barely letting him kiss me.
I wasn’t kidding anybody. I knew I wasn’t proper girlfriend material from the beginning, at least...not for a guy like Justin. He needed stability, which I could provide as a professional...but not as a friend or a lover. I’d been convinced otherwise by him, because he had incredible curiosity about me, and because I’d never been pursued so heavily by somebody that I had so much in common with before. I should have been able to hold myself together, not succumb to his kiss. But I found that he was like this addictive drug when I felt his lips on my skin, one that I couldn’t kick. So I simply gave in instead, hoping for the best like a foolish little girl.
I considered leaving without notice, and maybe...maybe if it had only been Justin that I’d been deserting I would of. Trace and Tarin had become close friends of mine though, and I knew how hurt they would have been if I followed through with the idea, not to mention the fact that Lynn was counting on me now to come down and meet Justin’s family.
I was trapped with no alternatives, and it completely sucked. The worst part? I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to say to Justin later on. Flipping out on him would have been my first choice, but I doubted I would have the energy. What he said was a completely difficult thing for me to overcome, and I had no desire to tell him just why it was that I was a “prude”. Then I remembered the time I’d gotten so angry at him, calling him a fag through his doorway. He was enraged.
Probably as enraged as I was then.
I shook my head of the memory and finally turned the key in the ignition, rubbing at my face hard to rid it of the tears that were streaming out of my eyes. The dogs had resorted to yapping and wrestling with each other in the back seat by then, and I quickly punched Jason’s address into the cars fancy navigation system, hoping like hell there wouldn’t be much traffic. I needed to get in and get out, I realized. I needed some real alone time with a strong coffee and a good book. Jason would be the only hurdle separating me from that bliss, and I prayed that he had other things to do besides talk to me once I dropped the dogs off.
He lives in a very small community of high end condominiums, about a half hour from Justin’s house. They’re about the same level as the place Trace is living in right now, except the gardens are much nicer, and there’s more privacy here. It reassured me a little bit to know that the puppies would be able to run around a little bit, given the proper supervision, and I started to ease up...just slightly. It took me about ten minutes to find the right unit once I parked the car and gotten the puppies on their leashes, and about ten more minutes to climb the stone stairs with them in tow. Buckley handled the stairs with no problem, while Brennan proceeded to be high maintenance...the way Justin had raised her to be. I had to go all the way back down the stairs and carry both of the dogs up them, and I knew I must have looked horrid and disheveled by the time I rang Jason’s doorbell. My eyes hadn’t stopped watering, and my hair was another story in itself.
He was going to think I was a train wreck, probably call Justin and tell him. I hoped he did. I hoped like hell that Justin was forced to know how bad he made me feel. I just didn’t care about his fucking insecurities at that point.
Jason answered the door after a couple of minutes, a smile on his face at first, but as soon as he looked me over, it quickly faded away. “Hey, Melanie.” He reached out slowly to take one of the dogs out of my arms. “Let me help you out.”
“Thank you.” I sniffled slightly and walked through the doorway as he welcomed me inside, trying to get myself together so as not to embarrass myself in front of whoever Jason had over at that point in time.
But as the door closed and I stood in the middle of his living room, I realized we were alone, and naturally I became tense as fuck. It hit me that I was alone with him and I barely knew him at all. My chest became tight, and I clutched Brennan closer to me, at which she began to wriggle around restlessly and I was forced to let her go.
“You uh...want a drink or something?”
I slowly sat down on the leather sofa and nodded. “Water?”
“Sure.”
He quickly went to retrieve it and I took a moment to look around the room. It was very casually decorated, and so neat that I figured he was either very meticulous or just not home that much. There were several plaques and pictures adorning the walls, most of them signifying the achievements of his career, and the people he’d worked with. He was apparently successful, having been a personal trainer to celebrities for years. I wondered what brought him to Justin, and how he ended up traveling around the world with him, most likely putting all of his other clients on the back burner.
“Here you go.”
He smiled slightly as he handed me the glass and I took it from him slowly, looking back up at him with what I knew were sad, tired eyes.
“You look like you could use a friend today,” he pointed out as he took a seat beside me. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh it’s fine,” I said with a forced laugh, waving him off with my hand. “It was just kind of hectic today, that’s all. I’m trying to finish a bunch of last minute things before we leave.”
“I know how that can be,” he nodded and crossed his left leg over his right. “But I doubt that’s the only reason you look like you’ve been crying.”
I just sighed. I already knew that Jason was a really good judge of character, so I don’t know why I thought I could play myself off as being stressed out over my agenda. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Well my afternoon is free if you wanna go get somethin’ to eat, girl,” he reassured me with a small pat on my shoulder. “Besides, you owe me a little bit of extra time since I was forced to leave your party early.”
It was exactly what I didn’t want to do. My emotions were so on edge I felt like I was about to fall apart right in front of him, but for some reason I was still holding myself together. “Oh...I don’t know...”
“What were you doing after this? I know Justin’s golfing today, I just got off the phone with Trace before you got here.”
That was my luck. Of course Jason would have found out my afternoon was freed up, of course I would be left with no excuse other than welcome him to accompany me on my quest to find Justin his stupid fucking hat. I mean, I probably could have told him I didn’t want him to come, but he was doing me a huge favor by watching the dogs, and just by spending that short amount of time with him inside his condo, I knew he wasn’t a threat to me. I was actually easing up about being alone with him...probably because I was too focused on why I was so upset.
The dogs were ushered into the room Jason had designated for them when the house was empty, I gave them both pecks on the nose goodbye, and soon enough we were on our way to lunch and the mall. He offered to drive, and again...that whole alone thing hit me for a few seconds, but I forced myself out of the mood. I was upset, and wasn’t in the mood to drive, so I let him. We made small talk along the way, him asking me where I was from, where I went to school...the usual stuff, and I provided him with the very basic information but nothing more. I wasn’t so sure I was ready to talk about Georgia in detail with a stranger, and I was also afraid that any other information I gave him would lead him to believe I was raped. It was silly, but I couldn’t help it. I realized that despite how open I’d started to become with Justin, and Trace too, I still had serious issues dealing with everybody else.
I tried my best to change the topic over to him, and found it really easy to do. We talked about his career. His father owned a gym when he was young, it fascinated him, and when he graduated high school he decided to move out to LA and be come a personal trainer. Somehow along the way he developed a name for himself, and six years later he was hired by Justin’s management to be his personal trainer. Things had been that way ever since, and I learned they’d been friends nearly ten years. I felt bad. I knew Jason should have been just as much a part of the situation as Trace was, but things weren’t that way. I could understand why he was so bitter. Justin was more than just a friend...they were supposed to be best friends.
It made me want to be angrier with Justin than I already was.
We eventually ended up here, at a place called The Abbey. It’s one of those upscale restaurants in West Hollywood, that I’m sure Justin has been to before, and might take me to if he weren’t so paranoid about being out in public. It makes me sad, because it’s such a beautiful place. It almost looks like a house when you enter in through the gates, and outside seating surrounds the patio along with statues, paintings and chandeliers . It’s the epitome of West Hollywood culture, and while I’ve been sitting here, I’ve just realized that I’m a part of it, and I never get to experience it.
And with the obscene paychecks I receive from Lynn every week, it’s pretty pathetic and sad that I had no idea this place even existed.
“So,” Jason smiles at me once our lunches have been delivered. “You feel any better?”
I just shrug and begin to pick at my salad. “I’ll be okay.”
“What happened? Was Justin acting like a fool again?”
I find myself not being able to hold back the small chuckle that escapes me, and I look up at him as he smiles back at me. “You could say that,” I nod.
“How’d you two get into things anyway?” He questions automatically.
I cock my head to the side. “Things?”
“Well yeah, you know...I mean one day you were just there. I was like damn, out of nowhere some girl is living with Justin.”
“Lynn hired me to help out,” I tell him quietly, not meeting his curious expression. “So I took the job and I’ve been here ever since.”
“Well where’d you come from? How do you know Lynn? I mean, not to be pushy but I’ve known J and Lynn for ten years and they’ve never mentioned you.”
I suddenly feel like I’m being interrogated by him, and wish like hell I hadn’t bought into his innocent invitation to let him come along to the mall with me. I should have kept in mind how bitter I knew he was, since Justin had told me that about him, and I’m starting to wonder if this whole outing is simply an excuse for him to bilk me for information about Justin. If that’s the case, I’m going to get a taxi back to my car and go home. I may be really angry with Justin right now, but I would never just start relaying information to his estranged friend simply to seek out my revenge on him. “My mom is good friends with Lynn,” I grunt. “Satisfied?”
He sits back in his seat and folds his hands behind his head. “What do you want from him?”
“Excuse me?”
“Justin. I mean, you’re an average girl. You must know what he’s worth, right?”
I can’t believe the nerve of him, sitting here acting like I’m using Justin for his money and his fame. He doesn’t even know me, how I am, or much about my background. I wonder if he treats all of Justin’s new “girlfriends” this way, or is it just me because I seem so ordinary? “Actually I dont. I know he's rich, I know he's famous. And I know he could pretty much have anything he wants to top it off. But he's not snobby about it, he’s so humble about what he has that it makes me forget that I’m living in a mansion most of the time. Deep down I think he's just a guy from the sticks who got lucky.”
He rubs his upper lip with his index finger for several moments before smiling a little and nodding at me. “Then you better just be careful, because Justin’s mind can go off course in the blink of an eye.”
I stare at him, not quite knowing how to respond to that. I don’t get what he means by ‘off course’, and part of me doesn’t want to know. It’s his bitter side that’s making him start in with this stuff, and I know that. I sort of feel bad for him, because I know he doesn’t have a lot of people he can talk to about this sort of thing that will give a crap. I know he has Trace but...I get the feeling that Trace cares a lot more about Justin’s well being than Jason’s. “Can’t everyone’s?” I speak up softly. “I mean, he’s been through hell. You don’t go through a kidnapping without coming out of it scarred, Jason.”
He frowns a little and sits back in his chair, looking off in the distance for several moments before speaking up again. “I wouldn’t know. He doesn’t talk to me about that stuff and he never will. Shit, one minute he’d shut us all out, became some kind of hermit, and the next he’s groping his girl and watching the game with us.” He shakes his head a little. “I doubt you can blame me for being a little confused.”
“Groping his girl?” I roll my eyes at him.
“Melanie,” he laughs. “You can stop playing miss innocent. I saw him kissing you at the party. I don’t know how the hell anybody could have missed it, actually.”
I feel myself go tense, and immediately look down at my lap.
“Don’t worry about it,” he tells me softly. “I’m not going to go spreading the word around, and neither is Marty.”
It takes me a minute to interpret what he’s just said, then I’m looking at him like he’s crazy, because I can’t imagine why he would want to protect my semi secret relationship with Justin. It tells me that Jason is a much better guy than I’ve been thinking, and I feel stupid for being uneasy around him. “Thank you,” I whisper, shooting him a grateful smile.
“It’s the least I can do,” he nods. “I mean, I haven’t really been able to help him out since everything happened.”
“I-I think it’s been really hard, and really uncomfortable for him to talk about it with people he’s close with,” I explain, a little nervously. “I think more than anything, Justin wants things to be like they used to be with you guys. But...they can’t be, because he went through a horrific experience, and he--he didn’t handle it well. Maybe he did some shitty things in the process too, things that made everybody that cared about him take a step back.” I shake my head slowly, knowing that I’m not only speaking for Justin, but for myself as well. “That’s what happens when you go through a traumatic experience. And it’s the true friends who stick by you and don’t judge you for having to go through that process...the ones who can accept you after it’s over with, that matter.”
“I’ve been trying to tell myself that he’s too fucked up to talk to his friends about what happened,” he sighs. “It’s been hard though, trying to grin and bear all that...just trying to be normal around him. I guess, you know...I’m really glad to have him back, because he seems like he’s getting back on track and that’s great. I don’t really know what you did.” He pauses and stares into my eyes. ‘But you did something.”
It pains me that he thinks I’m the solution to Justin’s problems. That it’s only because of my presence than he’s any better...but he can’t see past that idea. He has no idea how hard Justin has started to work at himself. Sure, I may have given him the push he needed, but the rest was up to him. I think the only other person that may be starting to realize that is Trace, and it’s probably the one reason why he’s not holding a grudge against him right now. “I’m not a miracle worker,” I say. “I think I just showed up at the right time. I really...I think he was ready to move on but he just didn’t have the confidence to do it. I’ve crawled out of a hole and know how hard it is to better yourself when everything else is shit. But I don’t put up with his shit, I don’t give him an excuse to hole himself up in his room, so he has no option but to get up and try.”
He’s quiet for awhile. I guess he’s just trying to let everything I’m telling him sink in, probably because it’s the first time he’s really getting the chance to understand what Justin has been through.
“It’s deep between you two, huh?”
I suck in a deep breath, trying to contain the tears I know are about to spill out of my eyes. “Yeah,” I admit, against my better judgement. “It’s getting to that point.”
He laughs a little. “Does Lynn know that y’all are together?”
r32;I look down at my lap, the all too familiar feeling of dread taking over automatically. “No,” I rasp. “It’s...it’s pretty recent. I mean, we’re not even really sure what it is yet.”
“Justin seems to know what it is,” he laughs again.
I roll my eyes as I look up at him again, and cross my arms. I don’t like where this is going. It’s getting too private now, too in the middle of things he really has no part in. “Justin likes to show off,” I mutter. “That’s all.”
“Don’t worry, Mel,” he says, shooting me a reassuring smile. “I’ve seen him do a hell of a lot worse with a girl in front of his friends than just kiss her a little.”
I swallow hard. It was probably the last thing I was expecting him to tell me. I’m part curious, and part ‘get out now’, about the subject. “R-really?” I say, my eyes growing wide, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.
He cocks his head a little. “You seem shocked,” he smirks. “Justin is wild, Mel. At least...that’s the guy I know.”
“Wild...” The fear in my voice is apparent. I flash back to the conversation I had with Tarin the first time I ever met her, how she told me Justin was manipulative. Hearing the same kind of thing from a second source isn’t making me feel better. If anything, it’s making the fact that Justin thinks I’m a prude that much more heartbreaking.
“Maybe we should stop.” Jason holds one of his hands up to motion the waiter over. “I’m...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking shit right now.”
“Stop what?” I ask him quietly, once the waiter brings the check over. “It’s been awhile since I’ve dated. I’m not sure what you mean by “wild”.”
Jason puts some money in with the bill, refusing to take the credit card I pull out as he slips his sunglasses back over his eyes. “We had some crazy nights on tour the last time around,” he tells me as we begin walking away from the table. “We were both single, there were a lot of women, and we had some fun, that’s all.”
We reach the car, but don’t get inside. I find that he’s standing in front of me, running his hands over his shaven head nervously, almost as if he feel guilty about telling me all of this. If I was braver I’d just tell him I didn’t want to talk about this stuff with him, but since I’m so nice...since I almost want Jason’s friendship now that I know more about his feelings, I’ll let him say his piece.
Even if it does confuse the shit out of me.
“I can tell he’s settled down now,” Jason continues. “Maybe he’s not like that anymore.”
I smirk, just a little bit. “I knew he was a slut.”
He laughs hard and it makes me feel good to know that he’s not so bitter anymore. “You fit in well. I said it from the first time I spoke to you on the phone.”
He comes around and opens the car door so I can get in first, but I pause before I duck inside of it. I meet his gaze, and bite my bottom lip. I shouldn’t confide in him about what I’m feeling. I shouldn’t but...I feel like he’ll understand, that he won’t judge, that he’ll give me a true opinion. He’ll be able to tell me if I’m wasting my time with Justin, and that’s what I need. Trace, while he’s a great friend, would probably say whatever he had to so I’ll stick around, and right now...that’s not what I need at all. “Sometimes I worry that I’m...”I pause and look down at my feet for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “That I’m not as physical as he expects. It’s just hard, knowing he’s quickly turning back into the person he used to be. I mean, don’t get me wrong...it’s great. I’m proud of him for being able to do it. I guess I just don’t know what to expect, because I don’t know that person, and I don’t know how well I’ll fit into his life once he turns back into that wild guy he used to be. I’m not wild at all, you know? I’m pretty boring.” I manage a laugh, just because I know how awkward the situation is becoming.
He licks his lips and sucks in his bottom lip. “Well have you ever put it to him that way? I mean, he’s happy with you around and that’s great, but I know Justin. He’s not the type of person to stop and think if things are so cheery on the other side of the fence. If he’s content, he’ll keep on going and be ignorant to the other person half the time.”
“You mean like...he’s cheated on his girlfriends?”
He winces a little. “I’m not saying he’d cheat on you but he’s fooled around in the past.”
“Oh...”
“You know about Tarin right?”
My gut twists at the same time the realization takes hold. I remember the party, the game, and the awkward silence that filled the room once Jason blurted out that Tarin knew all about how Justin was a freak. I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want the truth, but I don’t have much of a choice. “What about her?” I whisper.
“You sure you want to hear this?”
I nod.
“They used to mess around a lot back in the day. J was kind of with Britney, kind of with this other girl, and had something going on with Tarin on the side. Nobody really knew besides me and Trace. I’m just glad she was smart enough to get out of that disaster when she realized he was never going to be with her like that. Then her and Trace got into things. It’s cool that they got back together too...I always thought she was a good match with him, you know?”
I just nod again. I... I don’t know what the fuck to say. I feel like Tarin has been keeping this from me on purpose, but I don’t know why. Does she think I’d get creeped out, or freak out on her...or even Justin? I mean, I’m not like that. If anything, I’m more angry at the fact that they’ve both stepped over the subject like a log in the middle of the road. Of course, things aren’t like that now. Justin got over her years ago...right? Even if he didn’t Trace and the baby take up all of her time. It would be a lost cause.
Fuck, I’m so damn lost right now, and it just keeps getting worse.
“You know it’s old news,” Jason tells me seriously. “She’s way too high maintenance for him...not his type really. I was just using that as an example. I’m...I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward. If it means anything, I know he’s different now. Hell, maybe this whole thing woke him up a little...you know...taught him to value his relationships.”
“He’s like two people, isn’t he?” I ask him, looking into his eyes desperately. “It’s like, they’re both there inside of him, and I know one of them really well. But I guess I’m still getting to know that other guy, and his other friends, and about his actual life. Maybe...” I pause and let out a long breath. “Maybe I just haven’t met Justin Timberlake the superstar yet.”
“I know what it’s like to see him change. It’s happened more than once since I’ve known him, Mel.” He rubs my shoulder reassuringly, and smiles. “He was a little more humble before he went solo, but I guess Britney made him that way She was always good at that, and they were happy until things got fucked up between them. He got more rugged after that, and a hell of a lot more into himself. It really changed him, but we all dealt with it. Then, when we’d all gotten comfortable with him again, some asshole decides to kidnap him, and everything we knew about Justin changed again. You may even know him better right now than we do. Even Trace, who knows shit about Justin that none of us ever will...he told me that you know more about Justin’s emotions right now than he ever will again.”
“I guess he’s just comfortable with me,” I whisper. “If he starts to put on a front, I call him out on it.”
“And that’s awesome,” Jason smiles. “Please don’t think I’m not happy for y’all, because I am. I’m just concerned that he’s going to get a lead on you. You can’t let him think he can go off, do his own thing, and come back to you whenever he wants. I’ve seen girls lose themselves that way. Make him work for the relationship you have, okay? ”
I nod, but don’t say anything else as I finally get into the car. He doesn’t seem to mind, probably knows that I need time to let all this new information process, and gets into the drivers seat soon after. I look out the window, not at him as he starts up the car, and he proceeds to drown out the awkwardness of our conversation with some loud hip hop music. Usually this kind of stuff gives me one stellar headache, but I’m so weirded out by today, that I’ll take any type of alone time I can get right now. Thankfully the mall isn’t far from the restaurant, and I know that I’ll be able to go home soon enough.
Not that it makes me feel any better knowing Justin will probably be there.
We’re at the hat store twenty minutes later, and I feel pathetic because I’m not exactly sure which one I’m supposed to buy. I know it’s supposed to be a Tennessee hat but there are a few different ones...and they’re all orange.
Damn him.
“Why would anyone want to wear orange on their head?” I mutter as I pick up one of the hats from the shelf.
Jason comes up next to me, picking up the same hat I have in my hands before chuckling a little bit. “It’s easier to spot a loser that way.”
We both laugh, and then Jason hands me a hat that he’s sure Justin will deem worthy. I accept it gratefully, heading to the checkout as quickly as possible. I’m never more thankful when we’re out of the store, anxious to get back to the car so I can make my way home.
“I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable about Justin and things that have happened,” Jason speaks up as we walk through the parking lot. “I just don’t like to play games, Mel. I don’t like putting up with people’s shit. Plus, I know you don’t have a clue who Justin used to be, and I don’t want you being surprised when he gets high one night and starts trying to get you to all but fuck him in front of everyone.”
My eyes widen and I look at him as if I’m scared to death. “What? Fuck me? Jason...”
“Whoa,” he laughs. “Calm down.”
“How can I calm down if you’re going to put it to me like that?”
He just sighs and shakes his head. “Look, nobody likes drama, that’s all I’m saying...me most of all. You’re great for him, you know? But whether or not he sees that, is still up in the air to me. I don’t know if he can handle a girl like you, even though he’s been through all of this. He’s never been one to settle down for the pretty girl next door. I mean, he never did before and you say he’s getting back into his old style of living, so how am I supposed to think? That girl has always been the fantasy for him, the ideal...but he’s never been in a long term thing that way. The girl on his arm has always had status in the industry, and given him even more status along with it. The only thing you’d really be doing is making him seem...I dunno...human or something. I just don’t know if he’s willing to change his image that much, even if it does mean he’ll get to fall in love again.”
Yesterday I would have called him crazy. Now I’m just shocked. Shocked at how naive I’ve been. To think that Justin would settle for somebody like me was idiotic, and now I’m able to see that more clearly, thanks to Jason. “So you’re saying it won’t work out,” I speak up softly after a moment. “Like I’m wasting my time or something.”
He just shrugs. “I just wanted you to have fair warning, before you got even deeper into him than you already are. Honestly, have a good time in Memphis, and try not to worry. If you feel like something is happening and you need somebody to talk to, don’t hesitate to come to me. Trace and his girl are drama, and you don’t need that kind of blind advice from them.”
Easy for him to say, I guess.
I feel sick all the way back to Jason’s house, and I’m never more thankful to get out of his car and out into the open air. I practically make a run for my vehicle, completely forgetting to say goodbye to my new friend, and to thank him for enlightening me about my supposed boyfriend.
“Hey Mel.’
I whirl around once I get the drivers side door open, and put a hand to my forehead. “God, I’m sorry.”
“It’s cool.” He smiles a little as he jogs over to me. “So I’ll see you when you get back?”
I nod, shooting him a sheepish smile as I toss the bag with Justin’s hat into the car. “Yeah, I’ll be by to pick the dogs up the first chance I get. Thanks again for taking care of them.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and smirks. “Anytime.”
“Bye.” I practically whisper it as I get into the car and shut the door. As I start it up, Jason knocks at the window and I roll it down for him.
“One more thing,” he chuckles.
I sigh heavily. “What now?”
“Just do me a favor and stay clear of Kerri if she shows up,” he tells me, seriously. “You know about her right?”r32;
“God.” I rub my face with my hands. It’s yet one more subject I’m not in the mood to get into, but apparently Jason has decided that I need to hear this. “What is it with this girl? I mean Justin hasn’t told me much but he’s said enough for me to know that she’s bad news.”
“They have a history,” he sighs. “It’s not pretty and she’ll never get over him. She can be obsessive and she knows how to drive a wedge between Justin and his girl. I don’t want you coming home and telling me how she fucked things up, so just watch your back if she comes around. Lead Justin away or just...do whatever you have to.”
If I wasn’t terrified of going to Memphis before, I definitely am now. I look away from him, straight ahead, my hands gripping the steering wheel for dear life as I try to make sense of all the information Jason has thrown at me today. “Thanks,” I manage.
“Drive safe.”
When I look back all I see is his retreating backside, and I know I’m in the clear. It takes me a few minutes to get myself together, and then I’m actually headed home. It’s the only thing that’s made me smile all day...the thought of some privacy...of my bed.
But seeing Justin’s car parked in front of the house upon my arrival, causes my smile to become non existent. Every piece of information Jason gave me this afternoon comes rushing back to me like a tidal wave, and all I can hear in the back of my mind is Justin uttering the phrase “you’re a prude”. I hate to admit this, because it goes against everything Susan taught me not to do, but I am seriously hating my life right now and I wish I could simply vanish so I wouldn’t have to deal with him tonight.
But I have to deal with him.
The TV is blaring and he’s sprawled out on the sectional sofa, typing away on a laptop that I’m guessing is new since I’ve never seen it before. I walk right past him, hoping that he’ll get the hint that I don’t want to talk, and go into the kitchen so I can fix a quick dinner.
‘Hey so...Trace and Tarin are going to fly down with us,” His voice comes several minutes later from somewhere behind me as I continue to open up a can of tuna fish. “My mom thought it would be a lot easier that way and I agreed. There’s more than enough room. Is that okay with you?”
Why he would think I would even protest something like that is beyond me. I don’t even answer, because I know he’s just trying to get me to talk to him. He’s in his ‘I know I’m stupid’ phase right now, but he won’t admit that to me. I get the can open and dump the tuna into a tiny colander I’ve place into the sink, trying to drain it of the excess juices before I start to prepare it any further.
“Hey Mel.”
He’s closer now, probably standing just inches behind me.
“You hear me?”
We’re on the brink now, and it’s so upsetting. I’ve barely had a relationship with Justin for five minutes and we’re already just about broken apart. What the hell even happened? Oh I know...I can’t put out and he can’t handle that. I sniffle a little bit, but play it off as a cough and fake it so he won’t get suspicious.
“So it’s the silent treatment.”
I turn, colander with the tuna in hand and stomp across the kitchen so I can gather more ingredients. Fuck, I don’t even know what the hell I’m making right now. “Good call,” I mutter.
“Mel...I’m sorry.”
“Nope, don’t care.” I shoot him an angry glare as I pluck the last spice from the cabinet and slam the door shut. He does look like hell though, almost sick with worry. I’m sure he’s felt like a damn fool the entire day. I hope he told Trace the truth about what was said, and I hope Trace made him feel like a fucking idiot in return, said all the things I wish I had the strength to say earlier in the day. He fucking deserves it.
“Whatever.”
He throws his hands up and retreats back into the living room, and I don’t call after him. It hits me that I don’t care that he didn’t get his way. I’m actually proud of myself for not giving into him, for not falling on my knees in front of him and crying to him about how I don’t mean to be a prude, that I’m just scared, and blah blah bullshit. I want him to question my reaction to all this. I want him to wonder why I’m so affected by everything. Maybe it’ll teach him another lesson. Maybe it will show him that he can’t talk to me however he wants to.
Or...maybe our relationship will just end, and I’ll move away.
Fuck, I don’t want that though. I really, really don’t.
But at the same time, I really don’t think it’s fair that I’m ‘towing” Justin along, either.
I put together a lame tuna sandwich, it tastes gross because I’ve been focusing too much on the fact that Justin is sitting there in the living room, paying me no mind, and so I just trash it and quickly clean up the kitchen and it’s surrounding area. I don’t say anything else to him, I just make a run for the guest house the moment I’m satisfied with my clean up job. Once I’m shut in the house...that’s when I really let go, slide down to the floor and cry harder than I have all day. Morgan comes out after awhile and tries to console me, but I’m sad to admit that not even she can calm me down right now.
The situation just sucks, all the way around.
I must have dozed off, because the next thing I know I’ve been awoken by a knocking at the door, and I sigh when I realize it’s already a little after eight. I still have so much shit to prepare, so much I need to sort out about Justin, and I know with the trip looming I won’t have much time to do any of that. I pull myself up from the floor when the knocking continues. “I’m coming,” I grunt, knowing that it’s Justin but praying that it’s somebody else on the other side. I’m not in the mood for his groveling or excuses. I’m too tired, too distraught.
But as always, I have no choice except to open the door for him.
“Hey,” he says immediately when I open the door, probably because he thinks I’m about to slam it in his face. “I um...ordered out some food...pizza. You want some?”
It takes me a second to comprehend what he’s just told me. Justin never takes it upon himself to order food. He hates strangers. It’s usually me that orders and I always have to go get it, because I know Justin wouldn’t be comfortable with a delivery guy coming through his gates. The second thing I think to myself is that he’s trying really hard right now. Too hard, and it’s so obvious. He knows he fucked up, and now he’s trying to kiss my ass. The sad thing? It’s hard for me to decide whether or not I should be more pissed off at him because of this. I mean...him ordering delivery is another step in his recovery process. Normally, I’d laugh and congratulate him...but I’m so fucking confused...I just can’t do it. “I’m not that hungry,” I whisper. “Thanks.”
He frowns. “Oh, because I got salad and breadsticks too...” He trails off and laughs a little as he scratches the back of his head. “I guess I went a little nuts.”
I don’t smile at him. I can’t, and that’s good because I don’t want him to think he can manipulate me with his charm and cuteness right now. “Just put the leftovers in the fridge,” I mutter.
“You gotta eat something,” he persists.
“I had lunch, and I just had a tuna sandwich.”
“You trashed the tuna,” he informs me. “I don’t blame you either. It smelled pretty foul.”
I just roll my eyes and cross my arms at him.
“Just come on,” he persists with a small smile.
“Maybe I just don’t want to be around you right now,” I tell him coldly.
“I...” He trails off and looks down at the ground for a moment before looking back at me again. “I understand, okay? I know you’re angry, and I’m not asking you to be around me. I’m just asking you if I can bring you over a damn plate of food.”
I should shut the door in his face, make him go back home and think about what he said this afternoon...let him feel what I’m feeling. Maybe if I didn’t care about him so much, I’d be able to do it too...but that’s not the way things are. “If I let you, will you leave me alone?”
His eyes light up at the fact that he’s sort of won me over, and he smiles softly. “Sure...do you want to just come get it yourself? I don’t know how much you want.”
Stupid jerk face, trying to win me over. Well, I’m not going. Nope, he can bring it to me himself, that’s right. I won’t be fooled. Nope, not me. I sigh heavily. Fuck, who am I kidding? I’m a damn pushover. “Fine. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t smile this time, but that light is still in his eyes when he turns away from me. He thinks he’s gotten somewhere, that I’ll forgive him for the shit he said to me one I go back over there.
I need to prove him wrong, but that’s always easier said than done when it comes to my feelings about him.
I take a half hour and straighten myself out, turn back into professional Mel. The one who can’t be talked down or taken advantage of. I even give myself a little pep talk in the mirror about how I’m strong and independent. That I won’t let Justin take advantage or get away with what he’s said to me. It makes me feel good, like I’m a strong woman who doesn’t need anybody but herself to get by. I feel this way as I walk across the lawn, as I slide the patio door open...
And then I see him standing in the kitchen, folding some clothes that are laid out on the kitchen table. It takes literally seconds for me to come apart inside, remembering how cute I think he is when he folds clothes the wrong way. I’ve failed myself, I realize. I’m pathetic, and it sucks. “I did laundry earlier,” I tell him quietly, as I slide the door closed behind me.
“I know.” He looks back over his shoulder quickly and flashes me a small smile as he continues to fold. “I wanted to do some more though. I still have a few things I need to pack.”
I roll my eyes and slide a chair out so I can plop down onto it. He’s being ridiculous with all this packing. I mean, we’re only taking a five day trip and so far he already has two suitcases full of clothes to bring. I just don’t get it, and I’d tell him he has OCD but I doubt he’d take it well. “It’s a five day trip,” I remind him. “I already packed the stuff from your list, what else do you need?”
He laughs. “I like to have variety sometimes, that’s all.”r32;
“Clearly,” I scoff, as I glance over at one counter across the kitchen that has three different pizzas spread out across it. “You ordered three pizzas? What were you expecting? A party?”
He just shrugs. “No, I was just hoping maybe you’d wanna help me eat it...or something.”
“Still, three pizzas, salad, and breadsticks for just the two of us? I”m not that big and you’re skinnier than I am!”
He just smiles at me now, and I get a sick feeling inside. He wanted this. He knew it would get me talking to him in some form, even if it was the complaining kind. I hate that he’s so damn smart sometimes. I’d leave too...go back to the house and cry but the better part of me won’t let me do it. That’s the part that needs Justin. The one that wants to forget everything Jason told me and the things Justin said to me in the pool today.
I hate that part of me sometimes.
“But I’m not even talking to you,” I blurt out as he continues to smile at me. “So stop trying to make me, Justin.” I forcefully get up from the chair and walk over to the counter, grabbing a plate off of it so I can fill it with pizza. “I”m just...I’m just making myself a plate and leaving....and...and you have to clean all this shit up too.”
I turn away but feel him right behind me only seconds later. “Just stop,” I whisper, as I plop a piece of pizza onto my plate.
“I didn’t mean what I said earlier, you know.” He says it softly, his breath hot in my ear.
I put the plate down, and quickly turn to face him. He backs off slightly, most likely because he can tell how angry I am. “If you’re going to break up with me, just do it,” I say, my voice beginning to crack slightly.
He stares at me like he’s overwhelmed, and for the first time today I can’t blame him. “Justin...I know, okay? I’m a prude, and you’re not going to get what you want from me! I’m not some wild girl, so go ahead and move on instead of letting me “tow” you along. God...just go find yourself another Tarin.”
His jaw drops open for a moment, and he looks at me in disbelief, as if he can’t understand how the hell I would know that about his past. “What...”
I cross my arms and shoot him a sarcastic smirk, feeling the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes and trying my damnedest to hold them back. “Don’t play dumb, Justin,” I mutter.
He glares at me. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
“I’m saying that you need a different girl in your life!” I yell at him, and he just stares at me like I’ve shattered his whole world. “I know you and Tarin used to fool around, even though you tried really hard to keep it from me, and I know you used to be wild...fool around on your supposed girlfriends too. Lord only knows what you used to do in front of people, and I guess now I understand more why you got so angry with me in the pool today. You realized something about me, Justin. You found out that I’m really not wild like you are, and that you can’t make me that way...no matter how hard you try. So why the hell are you even wasting your time with me?”
He takes a step towards me, his brow furrowed in confusion, his nostrils flaring in anger. I’m scared again, and I feel the tears escaping my eyes now. It sucks, I don’t want to cry in front of him, but I’m fucking terrified...and I don’t know what else to do.
“I don’t know what the hell Jason told you today,” he grunts. “But I’m not like that anymore. There’s things that I haven’t told you and that game we played the other day...it just got to me a little bit.” He eases up now, sighs and rubs his face with his hands. He’s not so angry anymore, just upset and confused, and I guess it’s better for the both of us this way. “I lost it today. I said something to you that was completely out of line and fuck...I don’t even know why.”
“But you are like that, Justin,” I persist. “Can’t you see that you’re turning back into the guy you used to be...” I trail off and sigh. “I’m happy for you too. I really am. I like seeing that spark back in you because you deserve to feel that way. You shouldn’t have to live your life in misery and confusion all the time. I just...I just don’t know how much of that guy I really know and that scares me. I don’t know if I can be a part of some lifestyle that’s beyond what I can handle. What you said wasn’t out of line, you know? It really is...the truth.” I sob a little and sniffle, hating myself for breaking down.
“Mel...” He smiles now, just slightly and comes close to me so he can touch my hair and face. “What I said about you isn’t the truth, okay? What do I have to do to make you realize that?”
“I’m not going to be able to be intimate with you, not physically,” I admit to him, bluntly. I think he really needs to hear me say this, because I haven’t been so stern about it before, and maybe...maybe me putting it to him this way will make him wake up. Make him realize that he’s so much better off with somebody else. “I have issues...too many of them. I’m not going to be that girl who makes out with you in front of your friends, and has fun doing it.”
“Maybe...I’ve been hungry for you.” The smallest smile forms as the corner of his mouth, but it quickly fades away. “But I was out of line,” he sighs. “I...I would never expect that from you, Mel. Never. I knew Jason would pull shit...tell you shit that you didn’t need to hear, and I’m sorry about him.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be mad at Jason. We were just talking and...I think he’s still unsure of who you are. If you’re the guy you used to be, or the recluse...or some mixture of the two. He said some things, probably things he thought I already knew...” I trail off and look away from him, down at the floor where his eyes can’t search mine. “This is getting deep, fast, and I just don’t know what’s going to happen if in a couple of months you realize you need someone more physical...more outgoing...more...just more...”
“Mel, look...”
“So I want it to end now.” I cut him off abruptly, and look him dead in the eyes once again. “I want to end it now so I don’t have my heart broken later.”
I pull away from him after that and begin to pack up the pizza so I can put it away, silently crying as I do so, my body shaking with each pathetic sob that escapes me. Fucking God, I love him. I love him so much and this is killing me.
But I just feel like this is the way things should be. I’m just...I’m just too fucked up for him, that’s more than obvious.
“Mel.”
I don’t answer him
“Melanie.” He’s come around to the front of me, despite the fact that I have a pizza box in my arms and could very well throw it at him. “Mel...you’re it for me okay?”
His voice is full of panic. For the first time I think he’s realizing how close he could be to losing me. It’s what I wanted. I wanted him to know how bad he made me feel and it’s working but...but I can’t revel in the glory of that. No I can’t because I love him too much. I sob some more, put the pizza down on the counter and just stand there staring at him like an asshole.
“Look,” he says, his voice shaking a little. “Shane was an evil son of a bitch, o-okay? He changed me. I can get angry...say shit that I don’t...god...” He trails off a look of intense fear on his face as he stares back at me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mel.”
He’s sorry but for the wrong reasons. He doesn’t need to apologize for being fucked up due to his kidnapping...I can completely understand that. What he should be sorry for is not thinking our relationship through in the first place, for not thinking ahead...for not realizing that he might change and I might not rank so high on his list of priorities anymore. “Damn it, this isn’t about that! You should know that!” I yell at him. “Can’t you just stop for a minute and think about the future? If you really see yourself with me in the next couple of years? You should be asking yourself if Melanie Parker has a place there, and you need to be honest with yourself, not just bullshit around because it’s fucking convenient for the moment.”
He becomes completely serious...stone cold in fact, as he looks into my eyes. “I don’t need to think about it. I already know that you do, Mel. Maybe you can’t believe that right now, and I can’t blame you for that...but I promise you things are going to turn around. Things are going to get better. I want you with me Mel. I want you with me in a year...two years. I...I need you. I can’t do this without you.”
Oh God. I hate it because I have no reason not to take him seriously right now. That was sincere, and I know it because I can read his emotions like a fucking book. Oh god... “I love you, Justin.” I say it loudly without being able to stop myself. “I’m so in love with you...and that terrifies the hell out of me.”
I break down after that, slide down the kitchen cabinets and down to the floor as I sob heavily, wrapping my arms around myself protectively. I feel like a damn fool. I’m not supposed to say things like that to Justin. I’m not supposed to love him like this...I’m not fucking supposed to...
But I do. I just fucking do.
“Hey.”
I see his blurred form crouched before me, and don’t stop him as he pulls me towards him. He cradles me in his arms, wipes my tears away and kisses my forehead.
“Justin, please...”
“I love you too.” He smiles softly and shakes his head.
I pull away.
“Melanie.”
I wipe the tears away harshly and just sit back against the cabinets again. He’s staring at me, his eyes wide, probably wondering what the hell I’m going to say next. This is all too much. I mean all this love shit and now we’re going to see his family too? I just don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do, and I’m so fucking confused...terrified because I just told him my exact feelings when normally I’d never think to do so. Maybe it’s a step for me too...
Fuck, I don’t’ know.
I get up from the floor after a moment, and start to do the most logical thing...which is cleaning. I hear him behind me as I begin to scrub the counter furiously, my hair hanging in my face, and can just make his complexion out when he bends down in front of me to catch my eyeline.
“Why are you going nuts cleaning?” He asks with a small smile.
I just shrug, but don’t stop. Then he pulls the rag out of my hand and throws it someplace, before pulling me back to him.
“Justin, stop okay...”
“We’re in love now.” He doesn’t release me from his grasp as he points this out, just smiles at me slightly, and I find that I don’t have the strength to fight him off anymore. “There’s supposed to be a celebration, not dishes,” he chuckles.
I sigh. “Not when you’re as confused as I am.”
“Tell me why you’re confused.”
His gaze is filled with love, as if he’s the happiest guy in the world right now. Fuck, why did I admit it to him? It’s only going to make things harder now. I mean, I don’t really understand why he would even consider loving me back. What the hell is so great about me? I have no clue...but apparently Justin knows, because he’s still here. He didn’t run away screaming when I blurted all that out just now, so maybe...maybe he has changed.
Maybe Jason was wrong about him being the same wild guy he used to be.
Maybe but... I’m still not positive.
“We’re not Phil and Janice from down the road,” I tell him quietly after awhile. “I’m a weirdo...and you’re just you. We can’t just go to dinner smile, kiss, and be done with it.”
His brow furrows and he seems a little angry. “Why not? What the hell is preventing us from having some pizza, smiling, kissing and watching a movie together?”
I just can’t believe him. After everything that’s gone on today, how the hell can he still be so damn carefree? It’s like nothing even happened, and I don’t know whether to consider that immaturity or just his capability to move on from things. “Damn it, I dunno...cause we have to fucking pack! God!” I pull away from him roughly and start to walk away in a huff.
He’s laughing heartily now, and I have no idea why. “What’s so funny?” I ask as I turn back around.
“You amaze me,” he smiles. “We’re all emotional and shit, and you’re still worried about packing.”
I cross my arms stubbornly. “Well you’re the one who said you had more stuff to pack! I thought I had all your shit taken care of.”
“I still have to get my suits together.”
I roll my eyes. “If they’re hidden in that cave closet of yours, forget it, because I’m not going in there.”
He takes another piece of pizza out of the box and begins to eat it, laughing at my closet comment at the same time. “Cave closet?” He asks once he swallows.
“Yeah,” I mutter. “I went in there once and I saw something moving so I freaked out and left.” Justin’s closet is no joke. The thing might as well be the cave of wonders from Aladdin because I still have no idea how far back it goes. It’s really deceiving at first. You open the door and turn on the light and it’s wall to wall clothes, then you go back further and there’s another door, more clothes, then another door...and another...
I stopped after the fourth door. I mean, why on earth does one man need that many clothes? It’s fucking excessive and I’m waiting for my opportunity to call him a diva.
“I’m pretty sure there’s nothing alive in my closet,” he laughs.
“Well I hope not,” I huff. “What kind of suit did you get anyway? Black?”
Story Tags: justinandtrace
