My room has been painted baby pink from the time I was in middle school, on up. When I went away to college, I always figured my parents would change it, but I should have known better. My mom isn’t one for change, she hated the fact that her little girl was so far away from her, so she clung to my youth I guess. I wouldn’t mind it this much if the color didn’t remind me of every aspect of my youth, of Justin and Trace, and the fact that I’ve become an alienated part of their lives.
The flight down here was long and miserable, despite my first class ticket, and my appointed travel buddy. I tried to smile for Brittany as she filled me in about what had been going on in her world since the last time we saw each other, but it was really hard to do it. The events leading up to boarding the flight home were clouding my mind, reminding me how irritated and confused I was, and I couldn’t focus on anything else.
Cooper picked me up from the restaurant after I’d had lunch with Melanie that day and rushed us back to his house so I could see my former best friend and her fiance. It took a lot of effort from Cooper to convince me it was okay to go inside his house and face her. I was terrified. I hadn’t spoken to Siobhan since that horrible night at my birthday party, and I certainly didn’t need to be yelled at by her about my decisions. I couldn’t help but wonder how many embarrassing things she’d told Cooper before he came to pick me up and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Hey...look, she really wants to talk. I’m not making it up,” he told me with a pleading expression. “You know Siobhan. She doesn’t hold grudges.”
“Oh no,” I laughed sarcastically. “Only when it comes to me.”r32;
“Say you’ll try,” he continued to coax me. “C’mon, Ker. She came all the way out here.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “She didn’t come out here just to see me. Scott’s family lives here. I know it’s just to see them and probably you too, but I guess...I don’t have much of a choice here do I?”
He smiled and planted a soft kiss on my lips. “Not really.”
It took me another ten minutes before he finally managed to get me out of the car and into the house. We walked through to the back deck where Scott and Siobhan were sitting at the table, drinking some beers and eating chips.
“I brought a present,” Cooper said as he hugged me around the waist.
“Hey K!” Scott said enthusiastically, as if nothing had ever happened back in November. “How’ve you been doing? Good? You like the weather out here better than New York? I know I miss it.”
We had never been especially close. In fact, most of the time, Scott annoyed the fuck out of me. Still, I managed to smile for him, mostly because I didn’t want to look at Siobhan just then. “I’ve been doing okay,” I nodded. “You?”
“Ah, wedding stuff. Crazy times.” He guzzled his beer.
I felt Siobhan’s eyes on me and I couldn’t make myself ignore her anymore after that.
“Hey Kerri,” she said gently, her expression filled with nervousness.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“Here, sit.” Cooper smiled and pulled out a chair for me to sit on, which was conveniently positioned right next to Siobhan. “Scott and I are gonna go whip up some sandwiches or something.”
“Oh...”
I started to protest. The idea of being alone with her was too much to take on so soon after greeting her. But Scott understood the game, and quickly got up and headed into the house with Cooper, leaving us alone. It took me a few minutes to sit down in the chair, and when I finally did, Siobhan began to chuckle quietly to herself. It was the last thing I expected her to do, but I couldn’t deny that I didn’t mind her laughing. It was better than being yelled at and ridiculed.
“So, you really got together with Cooper,” she finally said to me, once she’d stifled her laughter.
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“We started hanging out when I got back out here,” I told her quickly, not really understanding where she was going with the topic. “I just...realized how great he is, you know?”
“Well I told you.” She rolled her eyes. “Dumb ass.”
It was silent again for a few moments, until I managed to find the courage to speak again. “So, Scott proposed?”
She took in a deep breath and eyed the large diamond on her finger. “Yeah. I was like, shocked,” she laughed. “But you know, I think he’s matured a lot over the past year. My dad seems to love him, and that’s great you know...since he’s going to pay for the wedding and all.” She smiled but it quickly faded as she studied me closely. “I...um...I heard about the accident.”
“Oh...” I immediately looked down at my lap, my palms beginning to sweat and the nerves balling up into a knot in the pit of my stomach. “Yeah, it was months ago.”
“Are you okay?”
I had to look up at her after that. It would have been rude not to. “I have a limp. They say I’ll always have that, but otherwise I’m fine. Trace helped me for a while until I could handle things on my own.” It was such a lie, but I wouldn’t tell her the truth. Telling her about Susan and the group home would only freak her out, I was sure. At the same time though, something was telling me Cooper had probably told her about that too. Still, she’d forgiven me for everything, once again. I could tell by the look in her eyes and the small, smug smile on her face and I didn’t understand, but I wasn’t going to question her either. “Siobhan...I”m really sorry about everything,” I whispered after a while. “I just...”r32;
“Let’s move on from it,” she told me, giving my hand a gentle rub. “I just...I want to start over Kerri. I care about you. You’re my best friend. Maybe...maybe you’re coming out of a bad situation, and I can accept that. I mean, you’re with Cooper now. You’ve changed for the better.”
It was all a lie, because I still loved Justin, only she didn’t know that and I certainly wasn’t going to confess it to her. I was a horrible person, because I could use Cooper to my advantage then and regain a lost friendship with somebody I really cared about, and that’s exactly what I did. I played the part of Cooper’s girlfriend to a tee after that. Thankfully, I had taken off the next two weeks from the radio station, knowing full well with Tennessee looming I’d never be able to concentrate. Tarin didn’t give me a problem. I think she was just thankful to have me out of her face until we would see each other again in Memphis.
The four of us went out to dinner, to the movies, and hung out at the house that whole week before I left for Memphis, and I was fake as hell the entire time. Hanging out with Siobhan didn’t feel like it had in the past. I wanted to care about being her friend and everything, get excited that her wedding was coming up soon, but the harder I tried the more I realized I couldn’t have cared less. Her whole thing wasn’t a part of my life anymore, and it took a hell of a lot of energy to hide it from everybody. I had to fake smiles, fein interest, and it just wasn’t fun. Cooper, naturally, was having the time of his life because he was getting to spend more than week with his best friend. I was happy for him. Happy that he got to take a break from his sisters and his mother, put them to the back of his mind and have some fun for once. But all this was distracting me. It was making me lose focus on Justin and my plan. I wanted to go over in my head what I would say to him when I saw him again, but the three of them were constantly in my face, dragging me places, and I couldn’t focus.
I hated it, but at the same time, I knew I still felt a certain way for Cooper and I didn’t want him to get hurt because of my issues with Justin. I figured if I just continued to fake it everything would be fine. I could always lie awake at night and think about what I was going to do, I told myself.
Eventually though, I would realize that I couldn’t keep my feelings for Justin hidden from Cooper forever, no matter how much I wanted to.
Scott’s parents threw him and Siobhan an engagement party that Sunday. I had no interest in going at all. I was leaving for Shelby in three days, and still had loads of packing to do, not to mention the fact that I was still trying to figure out what Trace was doing about the flight. Once again, we hadn’t been speaking as much, but I figured Tarin had taken over completely. She’d vowed to at the radio station that day, and I figured it was time for me to take a little step back from their whole situation. She was pregnant and Trace had to worry about that, not about me, and for the first time I wasn’t resentful of his relationship. No, I still didn’t like Tarin that much, but it was serious with her. I knew Trace would probably marry her once they had the kid, so I had to accept it.
My best friend is going to be a father in nine months. It’s crazy to me, because Trace has never seemed interested in having kids. I mean, sure, he was engaged to Elisha and I’m sure if they’d gone through with the marriage they would have started a family one day...but never this soon. Despite the fact that he wasn’t prepared, I know he’s going to do a good job. He’s so damn organized and put together that I don’t think he has it in him not to be.
That and the fact that his father is a complete waste of life.
The one thing he’s always told me is that he’d rather die than turn out like his dad, and I don’t blame him. It sucks that he can’t confide in his own father about the baby. He has to rely on his mother’s opinions and that would be okay if she didn’t completely overreact about everything that happens in his life. I know she’s not going to take this well, and it scares me to think of her reaction. Part of me is glad to see Tarin get a little bit chewed out for this, but I know...I mean, that’s not right. Trace loves her and I don’t want to think about the things he’ll say to Momma B if she bashes Tarin. It won’t work out well. I can see him cutting his mother off, and that will make things worse for him, because she’s the only real parent he has.
Despite all the shit going on in my head, I found that I couldn’t back out of going to the party. Siobhan made it pretty clear that she needed me for moral support, since she’d only met Scott’s parents a handful of times and needed me there with her so she could confide in me. I didn’t know how I could make her feel any better. I wasn’t a good friend, not anymore. I cut her off for all the wrong reasons, I was insecure as ever, and I couldn’t understand why she was so willing to look past everything that happened and be my best friend again. I couldn’t ask her the question though. It would have made things more awkward between us. So, I decided to just smile, hold my head high and go to the party, even though I knew I’d be scared. I could only hope that Cooper would be able to get me through the night somehow.
The four of us drove to the party together, and I was happy that Cooper got the chance to laugh and talk with Scott some more during the drive. He never said it to me, but I know how much he missed hanging out with his best friend. In a way, the two of them reminded me of Justin and Trace. They had that type of bond. It started to make me sad of course...thinking of them, and I could tell Siobhan had started to notice my sudden mood swing so I snapped out of it quickly...tried to think of something else before we arrived at the engagement party.
Scott’s family had an oversized house, larger than my parents but much smaller than Justin’s mansion. They’d also managed to cram it with dozens and dozens of family and friends. Strangers to me. It took all of my dignity not to bury my face in Cooper’s shoulder as people would come up and talk to the four of us. I tried not to make it obvious that I didn’t want to make any physical contact with the strangers, but I couldn’t help but only give a handshake if I was offered one first. I’m sure they all thought I was stuck up, but I really didn’t care. After that first hour the room we’d been gathered in had seemed to start shrinking, and it was getting really hard for me to breathe. Everybody was drinking too, laughing and drinking and I began to wish like hell that I could join in, knowing the alcohol would ease my nerves instantly. But I doubted my becoming drunk would be the hit of the party, and I had no desire to embarrass Sio anymore than I had in the past.
“Hey.” Cooper nudged me after a while, when Sio and Scott had been lured away by Scott’s mother to talk to some other family members, leaving us alone for the first time all night.
I turned to him, and when his expression fell into a frown I knew he could tell something was wrong.
“What’s the matter?” He whispered.
I just shook my head and looked down at my feet, too embarrassed to tell him how terrified I was. It was all hitting me so hard though, all those people. I felt so smothered and it had started to remind me of things...the darkness of the trunk and the shed. “I’ll...I’ll be fine,” I choked out.
“C’mon. You’re not okay.”
Then he was pulling me through the crowded rooms, out the back door that led onto the brightly lit deck. As soon as the cool air hit my face and I realized there were no more crowds of people, I was able to breathe a little easier.
“You looked like you were about to be sick in there,” Cooper told me after a moment, as he cradled me against him in his arms.
“I just...” I sighed deeply into him, thankful for his embrace, but still terrified at the same time. “I don’t do well with crowds I guess.”
He didn’t move, just continued to hold me. “I wish you would have told me.”
I just shrugged. I wouldn’t tell him the truth or the thoughts running through my brain. I just wasn’t ready, despite how loved he made me feel...how safe he could make me feel in his arms. It just wasn’t something I was ready to share with somebody else. I could talk to Trace about it, at least... I had been able to at one time. And then there was Justin. Justin who was there and knew what they’d been capable of and how much they’d fucking terrified me. I wish he’d been there then, just to reassure me that they were gone and I didn’t have to be afraid. But he wasn’t there and Cooper was...trying his very best to comfort me even though he couldn’t begin to understand what I’d been through, or was still going through. I felt terrible.
I started to cry right there on the deck, in his arms, something I’d always promised myself I wouldn’t do in front of him because...because he didn’t need that in his life.
“Kerri,” he whispered it as he pressed his face into my hair while I cried. “Hey, come on, you’re okay.”
I shook my head into him. “I’m...I’m sorry,” I whimpered. “I shouldn’t have come. It’s just...Sio really seemed to want me here.”
“I wanted you here too,” he reminded me, gently pulling me away from him so I’d be forced to look into his eyes. “I really...I really wish you would talk to me more about this stuff that goes on with you. I want to help you get past it, Kerri. I love you.”
I think that’s what made me fall for Cooper. From the moment we met, the only thing he ever wanted to do was help me, to keep me safe. I still can’t understand. He’s a great guy who belongs with a girl who can compliment that, yet...the only place he wanted to be that night was with me on the back deck, while at the same time I knew how much my heart really did belong to somebody else. “I’m just not ready,” I ended up telling him. “Let’s go back inside, Cooper.” I tugged on his hand, but when he didn’t follow I was forced to look back at him.
“You know,” he sighed. “You don’t seem to be ready for much when it comes to me, besides what we do in my bed.”
I hated that he said it. I hated it even more that he had a point. “Saying that isn’t going to make me break down and spill my deepest issues to you right now,” I muttered. “I...I don’t like talking about it.”
“And that’s fine I guess, for now,” Cooper nodded and walked right up to me so he could touch my face gently. “But one day I’m not going to be satisfied with that answer anymore. I don’t want our relationship to come down to that. I’ve told you everything, Kerri. I have no secrets. I’ve given every part of myself to you. It’s time that you start to open up to me some more. I mean, don’t you want this to work? Don’t you know that I’d listen to anything you told me, without judging you?”
I just nodded a little bit. “I know you would.” I finally said, meeting his gaze intensely. “But there’s things about it that you can’t understand.”
A knowing look flashed across his face, but he didn’t touch on whatever it was. Instead, he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek before leading me back inside the house. I guess he was as tired of pushing the subject as I was talking about it. Thankfully, we didn’t stay much longer. Siobhan seemed to know that Cooper and I were ready to call it a night, and so she told us to go and they’d crash there at the house. It was Cooper’s birthday the next day, so we would be seeing them sometime the next afternoon as it was.
The car ride back to the house was silent. Cooper popped in a CD at some point as I was staring out the window, and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the beat. I knew he was thinking about a thousand things, but I didn’t try to get involved. I’d had enough confrontation for one night, and all I wanted to do was sleep.
But Cooper wasn’t going to let me run away.
I was in the shower soon after we arrived back at the house, and hadn’t been under the hot spray for more than five minutes before I heard the bathroom door open. Two seconds later the curtain had been slid aside, and then he was standing in the shower with me, kissing me with as much passion as he could muster. It was a big move for Cooper. He usually wasn’t so bold, allowed me to make a lot of the more risque moves in our sex life, but something had come over him. It must have been all the emotion built up inside of him from the party, and I was so tired, so tense, that I didn’t stop him. It eased my mind, feeling his skin on my skin. I let him have his way with me from the shower, to the bedroom. We made love several times before finally falling asleep in each others arms, and I think the best thing about the next day was being able to wake up in them too.
“Happy birthday,” I’d managed to say with a tired smile.
He kissed me softly. “I love you.”
“Me too.” I said, having to swallow back the bitterness I felt when I said the words.
His sisters knocked on the locked bedroom door soon after that, depriving Cooper another opportunity to coax my feelings out of me, and I was never more thankful. Despite the fact most couples would have rather spent the morning naked in bed together, I would take any excuse not to be in private with him. Naturally, I threw on some clothes and instructed him to do the same as I went over and unlocked the door for Natalie and April. They were eager to give Cooper his present and breakfast in bed of course. We’d gone to the mall the previous week to pick the gift out. I told the girls my plans to take Cooper to a Lakers game, at which they’d both agreed that a fancy Kobe Bryant jersey would be a great gift. They pooled the money they’d been saving from their allowances together along with mine and we bought it for him. They both helped me to fill out the card and wrap it too. It was nice...doing that with them. It made me feel as if I was really a part of their family, even though the way I felt about their brother was so complicated. Of course, they didn’t know that. They couldn’t. So I tried to put the idea out of my head whenever I was with them.
Cooper sipped his coffee as he slowly and playfully ripped open the wrapping paper, as the girls pleaded with him to go faster. He read the card first, stealing a small smile at me as he read what we’d wrote, and it only grew wider when he moved the tissue aside and lifted the jersey into the air. “Wow!” He exclaimed. “How’d you guys know I wanted this?”
“Oh come on,” Natalie groaned. “You only talk about the Lakers like every day, and you said you left your old one back in New York.”
“Yeah but...I mean, wow...this is so great!” He pulled his sisters in for a long hug and began to tickle April until she shrieked and was able to wriggle away from him. “This is great,” he finally said to me, reaching out for my hand so he could pull me down against him. “I love it. Thank you, baby.”
He kissed me hard on the lips and I giggled against him. “That was the girls gift to you.”
“Oh yeah,” he smirked. “So what...was last night your present to me?”
“Hmm...not quite.”
A playful twinkle entered his eyes. “What are you up to?”
“You’ll see.”
I’d gone out of my way for him, getting court side tickets to the Lakers. I had to ask Trace to do it for me, which was a task in itself, since I don’t really talk to him as much. Surprisingly he was happy to do me the favor...although, I caught him at a semi awkward time when I decided to make the phone call. He’d been at Justin’s, and I’d be lying if I said that fact didn’t throw my mind off course. All I wanted to do was get him on the phone, but I didn’t want to beg Trace to make it happen. It was obvious how mad he still was at him, even though he was at the house. But I figured him being there was more Tarin’s doing than anything else. I made one desperate attempt to talk to Justin at the end of our phone conversation, but Trace quickly told me no, and practically hung up on me.
I didn’t want to be mad at him for it. I had to understand why he’d done it, and be happy he was willing to help me out and get to know Cooper some more. But fuck, it killed me to know that Justin was right there in front of him, and had no idea I was even on the phone.
“Tell me!” Cooper pouted.
“No!” I laughed and kissed him once more before getting off of him and standing up again. “You’ll just have to wait it out, birthday boy, and don’t try to ask Scott or Siobhan either. They’re as clueless as you are.”
He raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Is it a stripper in a cake?”
I swatted at him.
“Okay! I’m sorry!” He laughed. “Then maybe...you naked in a cake?”
“I didn’t think of that.” I sighed sarcastically. “I guess there’s always next year.”
He got out of bed and grabbed me around the waist before a wide grin spread across his face. “Or maybe we can just continue where we left off last night, huh?”
“Maybe.” I did laugh, but knew it sounded forced. “I’m going to shower. Sio said she wanted to have lunch, so you should get ready too.”
“Will do,” he smiled, his eyes moving up and down my body as I turned and walked away from him. “My mom said she wants to join us, if that’s okay.”
I nodded. I mean, I had no problem with Cooper’s mom. I was happy he wasn’t ready to kill her anymore, but at the same time I wasn’t completely comfortable being alone with her, and I hoped I wouldn’t get stuck in that situation. I didn’t want her asking me questions or trying to figure me out as most mom’s did. Maybe I was just scared...that she might like me, and I’d end up hurting her in the end. I didn’t want to. I’d already done that with Lynn, and even though I tried to think that the woman was just selfish and stuck up I found that I couldn’t stay mad at her. We’d been so incredibly close. At times, she was more of a mother to me than my own had been, and it still hurt. I still missed her so much, and I had no idea what I was going to do if we ran into each other back home. It was inevitable of course. We’d be at the same wedding, and I had no idea what would happen if she pulled me aside...asked me questions about why Justin and I had really broken up.
I couldn’t tell her the truth but at the same time I’d never been able to lie to that woman without feeling completely shitty afterwards.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
