When I reemerged about an hour later, I found Cooper had showered and dressed as well. He was sitting on his bed, placing photos into an album on his lap. I knew what they were right away...pictures of Siobhan, Scott, Cooper and I. He’d been so excited to have his friends back home those first couple of days that he’d started to snap pictures of all of us like a madman. When I sat down next to him, I sorted through the pile of pictures resting on the bed, pulling out one in particular that I liked of him and I. We looked more than perfect as a couple in it, and I figured I might have been able to use it to my advantage when I saw my parents. The proof that I’d sort of started my life over with somebody like Cooper was enough to ward them off and leave me alone to sort things out with Justin.
It was horrible that it was the only reason I wanted to keep it.
“Hey, I like that one.” Cooper laughed as he made a grab for it playfully.
“No way,” I giggled, holding it just out of his reach. “This one is mine. You have plenty.”
“Fine, I’ll make a copy,” he smiled, as he continued to place the pictures in the album.
“What else is in there.” I ask him, noticing how thick the album was. “Embarrassing baby pictures?”
“Some,” he chuckled. “But I made sure to remove all the potty and bath time pics before somebody else could see them.”
“No fair,” I sighed, pulling the album from him so I could flip through the pages. He stoked my hair and we laughed together as he pointed out different pictures to me, each one possessing a different story about his childhood. I was just flipping past his high school graduation pictures when I saw a flash of a girl I thought I recognized. There weren’t many pictures of them together, just one page actually, and I had to flip back to make sure I was right about who it was.
And I couldn’t stop staring.
“What’s wrong?”
He said it quietly, and I didn’t look up at him when I said: “I know her.” My finger landed on Melanie’s face as I said it, and I kept it there to make some kind of point to him.
“Um...,” He trailed off and paused as I finally looked up at him again. “You know Mel?”
“Yeah.” I nodded slowly, a wave of nausea spreading over me automatically. It was so eerie, and something inside of me was crying out, trying to tell me that there was more to it than I knew. Like...this was just the beginning, and I didn’t understand. “We’re friends.”
“How?”
It was like he couldn’t fathom it, and really...what were the odds of it ever happening? I sort of shrugged my shoulders at the question, but decided that it was okay to tell him the truth about how we met. “She used to belong to the same group home as me. One day she came to talk to the group...and we ended up bonding more than I thought we would.”
He shut the album with a loud crack, and the room became deathly quiet for several minutes.
“Kerri...” Cooper finally spoke, looking directly into my eyes, trying to make me read his thoughts, which of course I couldn’t do. “Melanie was...she was that girl.”
I cocked my head to the side, part of me knowing what he was telling me but the other part refusing to believe it. “What girl?”
“You remember when I told you about the girl who broke my heart awhile back. The one I was in love with?”
I nodded.
“Well, that’s her. That’s Melanie.”
I shook my head because it just didn’t make sense. Melanie wasn’t like that. She was so innocent, and kind...and caring. On top of all that she’d been raped too, and I couldn’t picture her letting anybody who cared about her down like that. “Melanie wouldn’t do that,” I told him. “At least, I can’t picture it.”
“It wasn’t her fault,” he provided, automatically. “She took care of my Grandmother before she died. When I had breaks from school I would come keep them company and hang out. We became really good friends, close, and I...I fell in love with her.” He stared down at his lap and sighed heavily. “She couldn’t love me back. She wasn’t ready...it was the timing more than anything she did.”
Deep in my mind I felt the jealousy begin to spark. I mean, I shouldn’t have blamed Melanie. How could she know I was dating Cooper? I’d never mentioned his name. But at the same time, I remembered that they’d seen each other recently, and I didn’t like it. Cooper was my boyfriend, and he seemed to still care about the girl to some extent. “So if you’re over her, why do you still have pictures of her in your photo album?” I found myself asking him seriously.
“Really?” Cooper laughed. “You’re jealous? Come on babe, she was my best friend for a while. I cared about her, and I still do. I mean, I don’t love her like I used to. I never will. That’s not how things with us are supposed to be. I can see that now, you know? She’s happy...moved on with her life, and so have I.”
He began to smile as he took my hand in his, but I pulled it away as I shot him a disgusted look. “I guess you talked to her about a lot of things when you had lunch with her that day, huh? You know, Cooper...I don’t appreciate you talking to her about me.”
“Kerri, calm the hell down,” he scowled. “I didn’t mention your name, if it makes you feel any better. I don’t know why you’re acting like this. We ran into each other, we had lunch, and that was it. I told you that already. Anyway, Mel’s your friend, and you know her...she’s sweet as anything. She was glad I found somebody who makes me happy. Somebody that I can love.”
It was perfect. The perfect way to take a step back from him, but not cut him off completely, and I knew that. At the same time, a part of me felt it was wrong to stay mad at him over it. Cooper wasn’t a cheater. He wasn’t a manipulative asshole, and he wanted to be with me. But it didn’t matter. I’d been looking for a loophole for weeks and I’d finally found one. “I’m just not comfortable with this whole thing,” I whispered, as I crossed my arms. “It’s weird.”
He kissed me on the cheek anyway. “You’re just confused, that’s all.” When I didn’t say anything though, his patience seemed to wear thin. “Look, Ker, I don’t get on you for being friends with Trace. I know you guys have a weird relationship, and that you were living with him for a while. You could have had a fling with him for all I know, but I haven’t brought that into our relationship because I trust you, and I love you. That’s what happens when you’re in a relationship, you don’t let the petty shit affect things. Melanie isn’t conniving, and she wouldn’t try to tear us apart so she could win me back, besides...she’s seeing somebody. If she knew it was you that I was dating, I’m positive that she’d be really happy about it.”
The fact that he’d brought Trace into it pissed me off. Nobody, not even Justin, understood our friendship and they never would. He had nothing to do with the conversation, and all I could do then was say more shit to Cooper, adding more fuel to the fire that had been created between us. “Okay, Cooper.” I rose to my feet and let out a sarcastic laugh. “So if Melanie told you she wasn’t seeing someone, then what?”
“Why the fuck are you pushing this?”
I hadn’t seen him so angry since the day his mother came to visit, and before that, I’d never seen him angry at all. It put me off a little bit, let me know that he had a temper too, and I should be more careful before I got slapped, but I refused to let my fears shine though to him. “I just want the facts,” I croaked out, keeping my head held high as he stood before me.
“The facts? The fact is I don’t love her, not like that. I used to. I did, and I wouldn’t keep that from you. But now I love you...god, I love you so much and sometimes...sometimes I just don’t know if we’re on the same damn page! I mean, I never thought you were the jealous type, but now it’s like I’m seeing this completely different side of you.” He let out a harsh sigh before continuing. “I don’t like this side.”
“What side?” I laughed a little and rolled my eyes. “This is me. Nothing’s changed.”
“I wouldn’t know.” He said sadly, as he moved towards the bedroom door. “You know, since you tell me nothing.”
I couldn’t say anything else after that, because he walked past me and out of the bedroom. The door clicked closed behind him and I sat down on the bed slowly, trying to figure out what the hell happened. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to go running to him and confess everything that Justin and I had been through, or what he’d done to me so many months ago? Yeah, I may have wanted to, but I couldn’t. It just...it just wasn’t something I was capable of. I couldn’t tell somebody else about Justin, about what happened to him, how that affected me so fucking much. And I couldn’t embarrass Justin by telling Cooper what he’d done to me, how much he’d hurt me.
It was none of Cooper’s business.
I have no idea how I walked out of that room after I cried. How I forced a smile for his sisters when I entered the kitchen. How I made it through lunch with his mother, Siobhan and Scott, acting like everything was perfectly fine. Cooper was terrible at hiding his feelings, and I knew they all thought something was off with them the entire time we were sitting at that table. Sio kept eyeing me as if to ask me what was wrong with him, but I avoided her at all costs. I was determined to forget what we’d discussed and give Cooper a happy birthday if I could.
I prayed my gift to him would be enough to ease his mind, to show him I still cared.
Cooper went out with his mother after lunch, which gave me some free time to recollect myself, and plan for the evening. I picked out my outfit, and Natalie helped me with my hair and nails since neither of us could drive and I wouldn’t consider taking a cab. She jabbered about meeting Justin the entire time too, which would have been okay if I hadn’t had such a stressful morning. I understood that she was still really excited about it, and there were few people she could talk about it with that would actually care, but at the same time that day at the radio station was one I wanted to push from my memory if I could.
In the middle of her Justin spiel, my phone rang, and I sprang for it, forever thankful to be able to get off the topic for a few moments. It was Trace and I almost fell over in shock. He never called. I called him now, and I’d been planning to give him a call later on about the ticket arrangements for the game. “Hey,” I answered.
“Do you guys want a limo?”
I was stone silent for a moment, and smiled slightly at Natalie before sneaking off into the other room where she couldn’t overhear my conversation. “A limo?” I chuckled. “Aren’t you just filled with generosity?”
“Well I just...I thought you guys would like it. They always send Justin one when he comes to the games so I figured you might want to use it.”
Something about the tone in his voice told me there was more hidden behind his offer. I’d known him too long not to know when he was up to something, but at the same time I was so tired of arguments I decided not to pry into it. “Yeah that would be great,” I finally said. “Are you joining us? I know Siobhan wants to see you. She’s been asking when you’re going to stop by.”
“Well, Tarin says she’s going to come if I’m going,” he replied sheepishly.
I rolled my eyes. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t have a night out alone with my best friend unless the Princess, as I’d decided to call her, could come along. “Well bring her if you have to, Trace,” I sighed. “I know how it is.”
“You sure?”
He seemed hopeful, but I was only agreeing to it since I had no other choice. “Yeah, it’s fine. I really don’t like her but, I mean, it’s Siobhan and Scott’s last night in town, so I doubt I’ll have time to notice all the dirty looks she’ll be giving me.”
He let out a pitiful laugh. “Thanks, Ker. I love when you reassure me like this.”
“Anytime,” I droned, and rambled off Cooper’s address so he could give it to the driver.
“Cool. We’ll probably be there around six,” he told me.
I was tempted to ask him a million things about Justin and Tennessee just then, but figured there would be time for that later on. We were flying to Memphis together the next morning, and I knew he’d be more willing to talk about it with me once we were on the plane, regardless if Tarin was sitting next to him or not. “See you then.” It was all I allowed myself to tell him before we ended our conversation.
Cooper got back around four, and we didn’t speak. It was awkward, and since Natalie was hanging around she figured out that things weren’t going smoothly between us. I think she got the hint that she shouldn’t have been interfering though, because she excused herself from the living room after a while as we mindlessly watched TV on the couch. I was scared to be alone with him, but at the same time I knew there was going to be a limo pulling up to the house with Trace, who Cooper had only met once in a not so friendly setting, and I didn’t want him to be agitated. That and the fact that I knew Sio and Scott were bound to walk in the door any minute forced me to say something to break the tension between us.
“Did you have a good time with your mom?”
He sighed and draped a hand over his stomach as he changed the channel. “Yep.”
I looked down at my lap. “I’m sorry about this morning.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said bitterly.
I looked at him. It was weird to hear him talk like that, because he never did. Cooper was always so positive and supportive, and I felt like I didn’t even know who I was sitting next to then. “I flipped out for no reason,” I confessed. “I’m just...I guess I’ve just been nervous about certain things.”
He smirked slightly but still wouldn’t look at me. “Yeah, like going home.”
“Cooper...”
“I know this about Justin,” he told me sharply, and met my gaze moments later, staring me down like I was some kind of criminal. “Look...I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s my damn birthday, Kerri. I want to have a good time with our friends tonight, because I have no clue when I’ll see them again. I can’t do that if you keep pissing me off.”
I opened my mouth to say something more, to tell him he was wrong even though he wasn’t. The truth was, he was figuring me out, because he was smart and I had underestimated him. I found that I couldn’t say anything though, because the doorbell rang seconds later and Sio and Scott walked into the house. Cooper’s infamous smile immediately flew on, and he snuck a small glare in my direction, warning me to play along, and I forced all of my emotions to go back into hiding. I was good at hiding things after all, and I wasn’t going to ruin his birthday. Not after everything he’d been through for my sake.
Cooper and Scott immediately dug into the supply of beers in the refrigerator, and Siobhan seemed to take it as a signal to get me alone. She dragged me off the couch and out into the backyard, even though I protested and told her I didn’t want to go outside.
“What the hell is going on?” She said when she finally let go of me, her hands on her hips, her expression filled with confusion. “Cooper looked like he wanted to die this afternoon, and I tried to call him earlier when he was with his mother, but he told me he didn’t want to talk about it.”
I just turned away from her. I hated being confronted by Sio because she was always so blunt and wasn’t afraid to tell me exactly how much I was fucking everything up. While it was probably good to have somebody around that could ground me as much as her, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. “We just had a fight,” I told her quickly. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It is a big fucking deal!”
I whirled around, but found that she looked even angrier than I felt. “What the hell do you know about it?” I said, my voice raised at her for the first time since she’d come to visit.
“Cooper is a great guy, Kerri,” she told me seriously. “And from the moment he met you...the only thing he kept telling me was that he was going to find a way to end up with you. Then he finally gets what he wants, and there you go...pulling your stupid shit. Let me guess, it’s Justin again right?”
I suddenly remembered why I’d been avoiding her for so long. “I hate when you do this.” I started to walk past her, but she yanked me back, and I knew better than to make her any angrier. While we’d never fought, I had seen the repercussions of a cat fight she’d gotten into with a girl in our dorm. Needless to say, she’d come out on top and the girl needed to get stitches. If her father wasn’t so damn rich, she probably would have ended up in jail for that little incident too.
“Is it about Justin?” She asked me again. “I mean, it’s a legit question.”
I had to lie. I had to, because if I had told her the truth that night, I knew she would have gone in and blurted it all out to Cooper because she was pissed off and wanted to protect her friend. “It’s not. I just...I’m fucking terrified of seeing my parents again, okay?”
But she smirked, like she knew I was completely full of it. “If you hurt him, Kerri...I swear to God...” She shook her head roughly and took a long breath. “You know, what? I’m not going there. No...I’m going to let you fuck yourself over this time. That’s probably the only thing that can fucking wake you up, even if it will be too late by then.”
She walked away, leaving me standing there like a fool. I was losing the battle. I wouldn’t be surprised if I came back from Tennessee to no boyfriend and no place to turn. Of course, there was always the prospect that I wouldn’t have to worry about it because I’d be back with Justin...
r32;But I wasn’t sure of anything then.
I knew I had to go back in and face the three of them, make the best of the night and get on their good sides again. I sat back on the couch once I’d finally gotten up the courage to go back into the house, and by that time Cooper was on his third beer and seemed happy to see me. He patted the space next to him on the couch and I willingly slid over next to him so he could throw his arm around my shoulders. I cuddled up to his chest as Scott began to talk sports with him. Every so often I would peer across the room at Siobhan who was watching me intently, waiting for me to screw up.
I wanted to disappear.
I was so happy when six o’clock rolled around, and practically ran to the door when the bell rang. Cooper, Siobhan and Scott seemed surprised that we had a visitor, because they didn’t know about my plans for the evening. I opened the door for Trace, who immediately smiled and pulled me into his arms. I wanted to cry to him about so much then, knowing he’d get it, and it made me feel even worse that I couldn’t.
“Oh my god!”
I heard Siobhan shriek from somewhere behind me, and I was forced to let go of him. She ran up to us after that and threw her arms around him, and I knew she’d missed him. It had been forever. He seemed glad to see her too. They’d always been friendly and I was happy what happened at the party didn’t put a permanent rift between them.
“How’ve you been?” Trace asked her when she finally let go of him. “It’s great to see you.”
“Engaged!” She smiled and turned to Scott so he would walk forward. “You have to come to the wedding, okay? Promise me?”
He laughed and I heard him promise her that he would, but my gaze was fixated elsewhere. Tarin had made her way inside the house, and was standing in the doorframe, looking uncomfortable and slightly pissed off. I wanted to laugh. Trace was so easily distracted he tended to forget other people at times. It was a trait that he and Justin both shared. “Hey,” I said to her, with a small smile.
She barely looked at me and I could have sworn I saw her roll her eyes. “Hi.”
“Oh, babe...” Trace whisked past me and took her hand moments later, most likely realizing his mistake. “This is Siobhan. She’s from New York...”
I watched the annoyed expression on Tarin’s face turn into a friendly one as Siobhan shook her hand. They started to chat automatically as soon as Tarin spied the large diamond engagement ring on Siobhan’s finger. Part of me knew that they would hit it off and probably become friends by the end of the night. I hated that. I hated that the girl could just come in and completely take over everything. It wasn’t enough that she had Trace all to herself, but she was taking Siobhan’s attention away from me too.
“So...where is he?”
Trace had come up behind me, probably realizing the opportunity he had since Tarin was distracted by Siobhan. I turned around to face him, my eyes searching the room for Cooper, but I didn’t see him. “I don’t know,” I told him, trying to sound upbeat. “Maybe he ran to the bathroom or something.”
“Oh...” He trailed off, and when I didn’t say anything else, I knew he could tell something was off with me.
“Sorry. I had to get April settled in with a movie.”
Cooper was descending the stairs and a part of me knew he’d gone up there for other reasons besides his sister, but I wouldn’t say anything about it. He immediately came over to where Trace and I were standing, and I felt the tension rise in the room before Trace took the initiative and shook Cooper’s hand.
“Hey man,” Trace said with a friendly smile. “Good to see you.”
Cooper glanced at me for the smallest of seconds, and I think I may have been cowering slightly, waiting for him to start yelling at Trace. After all, I didn’t know if Cooper still had any hard feelings against him because of what happened at the party. But then Cooper just smiled and nodded. “Good to see you too,” he said gently.
And I knew that guy who’d fallen in love with me had returned in some form.
We all piled into the limo after that, and by the look on Cooper’s face I could tell he was surprised. As the driver pulled away, and the four other people in the car began to laugh and talk amongst themselves, Cooper suddenly turned to me and touched my face gently, that smile I loved so much returning to his expression. “What’s all this?” He questioned.
I just shrugged. “I told you that I was giving you a present.”
He searched my eyes for several moments. “I hate fighting.”
I nodded slightly. “Me too.”
Then he just smiled, and pulled me closer to him. Soon, Siobhan found a way to incorporate us into the conversation they were all having and the rest of the ride was problem free. I even saw Trace smiling at me from time to time, signifying his approval of Cooper and my current situation with him. For once, I’d proved to him that I could have a better life, and I knew he wouldn’t be questioning me for the entire night. Tarin was a different story of course. She was clinging to Trace like some kind of rabid animal. Kissing him, whispering in his ear and rubbing her hand up and down his arm and thigh, all the while stealing glares in my direction. Of course, he couldn’t seem to take his hands off of her either, but naturally he wouldn’t be able to with her wearing that dress. It barely covered her ass, and revealed way too much of her chest. All I could think was that it was why she’d gotten pregnant in the first place, since her body parts were always so accessible to him.
I really didn’t like her. I didn’t like what she was pulling Trace into, but I would keep my mouth shut and have a good time with Cooper. Trace’s life wasn’t mine to control.
We pulled up to the arena and I’d never seen Cooper look so excited. He knew exactly where we were then, and a huge smile spread across his face. “Lakers!” He kissed me hard. “I love you.”
I just laughed. “Just wait until you see the seats, baby.”
When we got out of the limo, I was surprised to find that a security guard was waiting for us. Trace shook hands with him like he’d known the guy for years, which didn’t surprise me, and then we were escorted through a special entrance into the building. Cooper had grabbed my hand at some point, and when I looked up at him, he was grinning hard, taking everything in. It was then I realized we were walking through the players entrance, which was huge for him. My next thought was that Trace had pulled out all the stops to make the night really special, when he didn’t have to.
That’s when I knew I hadn’t lost my best friend, not completely.
After Cooper and Scott finished drooling over some plaque in the hallway, we were finally taken to our seats. They were court side, as Trace had promised, but the thing that really made the guys freak out was that they were right next to the Lakers bench. I don’t think I’d ever seen those two act more childish than they did that night. Sio and I couldn’t help but bust out laughing as we watched them stare at Kobe Byrant chilling out in his seat just feet from them.
“I missed Trace,” Sio finally told me. “I can’t believe he got that girl pregnant though! I mean, she seems really cool and nice...but wow.”
“Yeah, I know,” I muttered, crossing my arms as we took our seats. “I won’t comment.”
“I thought you and her would have been a lot closer.” Siobhan continued. “You haven’t said much to each other tonight.”
I glanced over my shoulder. She was sitting a few seats over from us, Trace on the other side of her with his arm draped over her shoulder. She looked tired and bored, and I figured basketball probably wasn’t her thing but she came along just to prove her infamous point that Trace was her property now. It caused me to roll my eyes as I looked back at Siobhan. “Tarin and I don’t really get along,” I told her. “It makes it interesting whenever I want to hang out with Trace, but whatever.”
Siobhan just laughed. “You know, once upon a time I really thought you would end up with him. Remember when we all used to go dancing? You two would go wild feeling each other up,” she giggled.
I did remember, but it all seemed to long ago, so foreign. I could barely remember that girl. She’d been so fearless, so outgoing, so fucking unlike the person I’d become. It made me sad and I couldn’t afford to be. “Yeah.” I nodded, but didn’t say anything else. I didn’t want to lose it. Not then. Thankfully the guys settled into their seats moments later, Scott distracted Siobhan with a kiss and a beer, and I knew I’d lost her attention for the rest of the night.
I helped Cooper cheer for his beloved Lakers during the first two periods, we got caught by the kiss cam twice, at which everybody forced us to perform, and I found that Trace was laughing his ass off afterwards. I think he was proud, like the girl he used to know had come back to him in some form. That was what he’d wanted for a really long time, and I knew that. It made me feel good to come back to him just a little bit, even though most of my mood was forced and wouldn’t last.
It was during halftime that Cooper got his real shock. Kobe ended up coming over and saying hi to Trace, which again wasn’t a surprise to me. Justin loved the Lakers and he used to go to the games all the time before the kidnapping. I was sure they associated at one point or another and Trace had most likely been there too.
“Kobe, this is Cooper. It’s his birthday so, we’re here celebrating,” Trace pointed out once they’d finished their conversation, and led Kobe over to where Cooper and I were seated.
“Oh, hey man, happy birthday,” Kobe smiled professionally and shook my boyfriends hand. “You wanna come back and meet the team?”
“Huh?” was the only thing Cooper could seem to get out.
We all laughed at him, and then Kobe pulled Cooper up from his seat, motioning anyone else in our party to join in if they wanted to, which Scott jumped at. I decided to stay behind. I knew Cooper wouldn’t be able to pay attention to me anyway, and I let Scott and Siobhan go with him for moral support. Then it was just Trace, the Princess, and I for twenty minutes. They talked for a little bit, and then she announced she needed to use the bathroom. Naturally, Trace said he would take her, but she declined. r32;
“God baby, I’m not two years old.” Was what she actually said to him, before she walked away.
I rolled my eyes again. She treated him like a piece of shit, but Trace was too blinded by lust to realize it. “So does queenie have a throne back at your place too?” I finally asked him.
He glanced at me and scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean? You sound like Just...I mean, forget it.”
r32;I smiled, loving that fact that Justin and I shared the same opinion about her. It rushed back to me then...how I felt about him, how I knew we were meant to be together. “Well he’s right,” I whispered. “What’s her issue, Trace?”
“She’s pregnant,” he eyed me seriously. “And I guess I’ve been overburdening her because I’m worried. We’ll work through it. She’s not as bad as she seems.”
“Right,” I laughed. “You seem to forget I see her on a daily basis, and she’s not so friendly then either.”
“Ker, you don’t know,” he snapped. “You don’t get her, and it’s fine. But don’t make me feel bad about it.”
I blew out a breath. “‘Scuse me.”
“I think you have a lot of other shit to focus on besides, Tarin,” he grumbled. “He’s a good guy, you know? Cooper.”r32;
I looked back at Trace hard, trying to see any dishonesty in his eyes, but there wasn’t any. “You really like him?”r32;
“I saw the way he looks at you,” he explained gently. “He really cares, Ker. I hope...I hope you realize that.”
I looked away and out across the court. I knew he was right, but I knew how I felt, and what I had to do. “I do,” I finally said.
“You don’t seem so sure. I know that tone in your voice.”r32;
I just shrugged and began to pick at my nails. “I have a lot of stuff going on right now, Trace.”
“Going home isn’t a big deal,” he said, reading my mind. “You’ll handle it fine, and come back here and get on with things.”
I looked at him then. He had his eyes narrowed at me, a knowing expression written on his face. He knew what I meant, who I was thinking about. I decided I didn’t care if it was bold or not, we were finally alone and I was going to ask him the question. “Is Justin going?”
Trace sighed and didn’t say anything for a few moments. “You’re crazy if you didn’t think he was. Lynn would never let him get away with missing a huge family function.”
I was silent, part of me wishing I could jump for joy but I wouldn’t do that of course. “How is he?”
“Great.”
For a moment I thought Trace was being sarcastic as usual, but then I realized he was being sincere, and I didn’t fully understand. Usually he would tell me how much of an asshole Justin was, but he was smiling a little bit then. It was a content smile, like Justin was handling his life just fine. That he had his best friend back. “So you guys are okay?”
“We’re working things out. I don’t have time to be angry at him with everything that’s happening with Tarin.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I’m not saying I accept what happened. I’ll never accept it,” he whispered. “I’m just saying that...I can’t afford to be angry anymore.”
“I get it.” I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms. I was waiting for him to say something else, like that Justin wanted to see me as soon as I got home, but he didn’t. He didn’t say anything, so I decided to instead. “I thought...maybe we can talk about some things on the flight.”
“Oh...yeah...that. I need to talk to you about that. I asked...” He began, and for a moment I thought he was going to say something about Justin, but then the Princess returned from her trip to the bathroom with a beer for Trace and proceeded to distract him from our conversation.
I hated her then. I crossed my arms and huffed loudly, hoping he got the hint.
But he didn’t seem to notice me at all for the rest of the game.
I tried to get back into the Cooper mindset when he returned. He was carrying an autographed basketball in his hands, obviously signed by the entire team, his eyes lit up like a little boy’s on Christmas. I smiled at him after he gave me a long kiss and thanked me for being an amazing girlfriend. Really, it was an awesome thing that he’d been able to do. I started to feel bad...like I should have gone back to the locker room with him, so we could share the experience together. It might have opened my eyes, or resolved our issues, or brought us closer. But I wanted to have my alone time with Trace. That was the important thing. Justin was the important thing. I didn’t care about Cooper. I didn’t care about anything but going home to see Justin. I could remember a time, years ago, that Trace, Justin and I had gone to a Knicks game in New York together. I’d gone back to the locker rooms with them during intermission, and Justin had held my hand as we talked to all the players like I was his girlfriend. Britney was out of town that week, doing some promotion, and it was a known fact that they’d been having issues. I felt like I was the only girl he wanted around then. Felt like he was going to leave her and we’d be together.
Two months later we would have sex and then he would be gone.
It was the first time in a really long time that I’d thought back on all of that, and it was pretty messed up that I was doing it then, with Cooper beside me. I couldn’t help it though. It just hit me, and I remembered how much it hurt, waking up and having him get me a taxi. I think I knew he’d be gone from that moment, even though I couldn’t accept it right away. I thought he’d call. I thought he loved me and we’d be together, but it wasn’t meant to be. He went back to Britney, just like Trace told me he would. Then the unthinkable happened. It was only then that he loved me. Only then that he wanted me to be with him and in the end it backfired.
I asked myself, were we really in love all those months we spent together?
We had to be. We just had to be because he said he still loved me at the radio station. I wasn’t going to give up, even if the shadows of the past were trying their hardest to prove to me why I should. I’d get him back, because I was his Kerrigan. His Kerrigan that he turned to for everything. I was the only one who knew what he really felt like inside. The only one who could make him feel like himself, and that was how it had always been from the time we were small. It didn’t matter how far he traveled, or how many girls he dated. In the end, he always came back to me, and I was always there waiting for him.
Once the game ended, Scott suggested we go to a club and hang out since it was their last night in town. I was a little hesitant, the thought of the crowds and strange people that would be inside the place frightening me instantly. But then Cooper looked at me with a pleading expression, and I knew I couldn’t say no. It was still his birthday, and his one chance to spend more time with me and his friends before we all departed the next morning. Surprisingly enough, Trace and Tarin decided that they would join us, and I felt a little bit better about the situation after that. Having Trace by my side always calmed me down, even in the worst situations.
It was a place called Heat, which I knew of, but had never been to. Trace knew the bouncer well of course, and as soon as we walked up to the place we were lead past the huge line of people waiting to get in, and seated inside at their best table. The last time I was at a night club had been with David, and for the first few minutes I was as tense as I could remember. Then the liquor was poured, Cooper handed me a glass, and suddenly all of my problems melted away. Looking back on it now, I can barely remember what the six of us talked about, but I do remember that I had more fun than I could remember having in a really long time. Cooper and I actually got up and danced for a little while, and I think I surprised myself. I felt lost in him once the alcohol began to kick in. I was reminded of the person I used to be once Justin had left me all those years ago. I hadn’t thought of him at all in those moments with my boyfriend. All I could do was look into Cooper’s eyes and smile as held me in his arms.
As I predicted, Tarin and Siobhan became fast friends by the end of the night. Trace and Tarin didn’t seem to be into dancing, and I figured that was because she probably didn’t feel very well. Whenever Cooper and I would come back from a round of dancing, I found that she would be sitting talking to Siobhan while Trace would be talking to Scott. Part of me felt like I was looking in on what I could have. I could find a job in New York, persuade Cooper to come with me and go back to school. The four of us could hang out on our off nights and have fun. I wouldn’t dwell on my issues anymore... I knew if it was what I really wanted I could get it too.
But I wasn’t ready to suggest the idea.
That made me feel sad, so I drank some more.
And a little more after that.
By the time we left, I had to lean on Cooper for support so I wouldn’t fall as I got into the limousine. He got a kick out of it. I knew he was glad that we’d had so much fun. He kept telling me that it was the best birthday he ever had.
But naturally, I would fuck it all up somehow.
The limo pulled back up to Cooper’s house a little over a half hour later, and I stumbled out of the car, laughing my ass off the entire time. I was drunk, and knew it, but I didn’t care. I felt somebody help me to my feet moments later, and I figured it was Cooper, but when I looked up into the face I found I was wrong. Trace was there now, trying his best to stifle his laughter but failing miserably.
“You gonna make it onto your plane in the morning?” He laughed.
I smiled stupidly. “Where’s Queenie?”
He rolled his eyes. “They all went into the house for a minute. I wanna talk to you..come on, sit with me here.”
He was a little drunk too, but I could tell he was no where near my level of intoxication, and it was the reason he could think straight enough to tell me what he had to then. He sat me down on the front steps of the house and put an arm around me. I leaned into him, still giggling, shivering slightly due to the brisk night air. “You’re gonna come get me in the morning, right?” I asked him quietly as I played with the zipper on his hoodie.
“Well there’s been a little change, but you’ll be okay,” he nodded.
I didn’t say anything, just continued to play with his zipper as I listened.
“Brittany’s going to come get you, and you’re gonna fly home with her. She has all the paperwork and everything, all you have to do is get your stuff together and be ready in the morning.”
I looked up into his face then, and even though I was drunk, I was still able to comprehend it all. “Where will you be?”
“Justin needs me on the jet. You’ll see me when you land, don’t worry.”
It hit me right in the heart, hearing that come out of his mouth, and I immediately began to panic. It just couldn’t be happening. Trace going home with Justin instead of me? There was no way. If he was doing that, I was going too. I needed to go. It was imperative...the best way to get Justin alone. “I wanna go with you,” I said, tugging on his zipper harshly. “Trace, I wanna go on the jet.”
He shook his head gently. “I can’t. This is the way things are going to have to go, Ker.”
I felt my bottom lip begin to quiver, and I forced myself to believe the only reason I was beginning to lose it was because I was drunk. “No,” I shook my head harshly. “I...I need to be there. Please, Trace. Just call him, tell him I’m coming, okay?”
“Kerrigan...”
“Hey, I can get along with Tarin,” I said, trying to whisper it but not really having a grasp on the volume of my voice due to the alcohol. “I can. Trace, I need to talk to him, okay?”
He just sighed, really hard, and shook his head once again. “Look...Ker... I would okay? But Justin told me he doesn’t want to see you.”
I laughed at him. I thought it might have sounded like a cackle, but I really couldn’t be sure. “You’re so full of shit, Trace.” I stood up, nearly falling over in my heels, but Trace leapt to his feet and caught me before I could. I was glaring at him now. “You’re a fuckin’ liar!”
He laughed bitterly. “You’re drunk.”
I shoved him away. “I know what I know!” I yelled at him. “I know how things are!” I stumbled as I threw my hands up in the air, and fell onto the deck, feeling the skin being scraped raw across both of my knees. I remember whimpering and sniffling into my hands, because as much as I wanted to believe that Trace was lying to me, at the same time I knew he saw Justin on daily basis. I began to question it. What if Justin had said that? What if it were true?
“I don’t believe you.” I slurred out when Trace crouched down in front of me, so he could meet my gaze.
He smoothed the hair out of my eyes and kept one hand gently pressed against my cheek, his eyes tired, his patience seeming to wear thin. “He’s moved on.” Trace said next. “You should too.”
“No!” I pulled back and crossed my arms, beginning to feel the bile rising my throat, knowing I was too drunk to be having the conversation but not caring. “You’re a bastard!” I cried. “How can you be this close with him after what he did to me?”
Trace rose to his feet then, and stared down at me angrily. “How the fuck you can you be this obsessed with him after what he did to you!”
I froze, just stared at him then because my head was beginning to pound and I felt more sick than I had all night. Trace had also never been that blunt with me before, but looking back on it now I think he figured I was so drunk that I wouldn’t remember much in the morning.
Only, he was wrong.
“Justin isn’t your life anymore. The sooner you figure that out, the better off you’ll be,” he sighed harshly and shook his head. “My sister will be here at 7 to get you. I’ll see you at home.”
He walked past me after that, and back to the limo to wait for Tarin. I managed to get to my feet, and had every intention of going after him, except when I turned around, Cooper was standing in the open doorway. The look on his face told me he was confused, and I was positive he’d heard my entire conversation with Trace. My stomach twitched, I knew I was about to be sick, but I didn’t seem to have enough energy to go get sick in the bathroom. I clung to a post on the porch instead, and closed my eyes. Tarin, Siobhan, and Scott came out of the house soon after. Siobhan kissed my cheek, and began to cackle drunkenly in my ear before Scott dragged her back to the car.
Then they were gone, and I was still there on the porch, trying to make sense of the night. I couldn’t believe Trace. Couldn’t believe he was ditching me for the fucking Princess and Justin like that. Didn’t he know that I was afraid, that I needed him? That I needed to be on that plane with them too?
Probably, and he didn’t give a shit anymore.
“Let’s talk.”
Cooper had come up behind me, placing his arms gently around my waist. I should have been thankful that he still gave a shit, since nobody else seemed to, but I was too drunk and too furious to care.
“Leave me alone.” I pushed him away and stumbled into the house, collapsing onto the sofa when I finally managed to make it that far. I heard the door slam and it caused me to look up. Cooper was standing against it, his arms crossed and his brow furrowed as if he was waiting for me to say something. I just stared back, too tired and upset to do much of anything.
“Were you ever going to tell me that Justin came to the station?”
I didn’t look at him. “He didn’t...”r32;
“Dont fucking lie to me, Kerri.”
I shut up. He sounded so hurt, so betrayed, and I knew it didn’t make sense to put up an act for him then.
“I put some laundry up in Nat’s room the other day.” He said it softly as he walked across the room and sat down next to me. “I saw the picture she took with him on the dresser, and I asked her about it. She told me everything...” He paused and sighed. “That you made it happen. But I didn’t feel like asking you about it. I figured...you know, that it wasn’t such a big deal. That you loved me, that you were doing my sister a favor. I let it go. But now...now I know that I probably should have said something. What happened that day?”
I just shook my head and looked away from him. “This is pathetic,” I snapped. “I’m not going to be interrogated about this.”
“Is this why you’ve been so stand offish lately? Why we’ve been fighting? Is it him?”
I looked at him, knowing he was completely right, and not having a clue how I was supposed to talk my way out of it. “No...”
He let out a bitter laugh, and I knew he could see right through me. “It’s the same old shit isn’t it, Kerri?”
“Cooper...”
“It is!” He exclaimed. “You’ll make a million excuses for him, even if it means losing everything...even if it means losing me, won’t you?”
The tears began to flow freely down my face and I looked at the floor, hating everything, hating how my life was starting to unravel, and knowing that I had to clean up the mess before I left in the morning. I had to have my head together when I went home. There was too much riding on the trip for me to be a mess. “You don’t know him,” I croaked out.
He leaned in closer to me, and I could see the anger pulsing inside of him. For a moment he looked angry enough to hit me and I cringed inside, but he never raised his hand. He just put his face right up to mine and said: “If he called you up right now and said, “be with me”, you’d pack a bag and leave me in a second,” he nodded. “Wouldn’t you?”
“No.” I wiped the tears off my face, and it was taking everything inside of me not to break into a fit of sobs. It surprised me that I could be so composed, considering how drunk I was, but I knew I would do anything to keep Cooper from getting anymore upset with me. “No, Cooper, I wouldn’t.”
He gave me a disgusted look. “You’re full of shit.” He pushed himself up from the sofa and began to pace back and forth in front of me. “Is that what happened, Ker? Did he ask you to be with him again? To go back to him so he could hurt you like before? Did he tell you he loved you, that he’d never leave you again or some shit like that? I bet he did, and this whole time you’ve been trying to break things off with me the easy way. Trying to get me to do something wrong, to piss you off, so I’d be the bad guy in the end!”
He pointed to his chest harshly, his entire body quivering with a fury I never thought I’d see in him. Clearly he’d figured it out. He knew my plan. He knew I wanted Justin back, and it just didn’t make sense to lie to him anymore. I had to tell him, and if he left me, I knew I would have to live with the consequences of it. “He didn’t ask me to be with him,” I finally told him. “I...I saw him that day, at the station. I asked him if he still loved me, and he said that he did. That’s as far as it went.”
It was completely silent after that, aside from my sobbing. Cooper stood there in front of me for a while, just staring at the floor. I was crying on the sofa, my body shaking with sobs. I felt terrible, I did. At the same time though, I felt a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized I would be going home with Cooper knowing all of that, and I wouldn’t have to come back to any surprises. The choice to break up was up to him then, and I was ready to hear him say the words to me.
“So you think he’s in love with you now.” Cooper slowly took a seat beside me on the sofa, and his voice was barely more than a whisper when he spoke up again. “You think you have a chance.”
I shook my head, and I wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t know what to think.”
“Did you even...I mean, have you ever loved me, or hell, even cared about me? Or was this all some big fuckin’ game meant to tide you over while you were waiting for your next chance to come around with Justin?”
I couldn’t say anything. The only thing I could do was bawl like a baby into my hands. He was right. I never loved him as much as he loved me. I was waiting around for Justin. I was a horrible person.
“I really wanted to come home with you,” he said to me as I continued to cry. “I wasn’t lying. I wanted to meet your family, help your folks understand what had been going on a little more...be your wedding date. I really thought you were just scared, and needed time. I believed you. But now...now I know why you don’t want me there, and I could yell at you, tell you how horrible you are, but I’m better than that. If...if you love Justin, you need to let him know that. You need to get it all out. I can accept it, because you’re a great girl and I want you to be happy, but I can’t promise I’m going to be around when you come home.”
"I don't expect you to be.”
He laughed a little. It was a sad laugh. A laugh that told me he’d just about given up on us. “You know, Mel may have broken my heart, but at least I can understand why. She had issues that I couldn’t change, that I couldn’t help her with. With you, I thought that your problems were manageable, and I was more than willing to help you through them. I don’t understand why you’ve done this to me. Maybe you wanted me to feel like he makes you feel, because you’ll never be good enough for him, Ker, and clearly I’ll never be good enough for you.”
I didn’t look up at him as I heard his footsteps move back across the room and retreat upstairs. Then I heard his bedroom door slam, and knew I wouldn’t be seeing any more of Cooper for the night. I wanted more than anything to get out of that house and get away from him, but I knew I didn’t have that option. I was drunk, it was the middle of the night, and I had to get some sleep if I was going to be ready to meet Brittany in the morning. So I took a shower in the downstairs bathroom, wore the same clothes to bed I’d been wearing all night, and slept for a few hours before the alarm blared annoyingly in my ear.
It was still a little bit dark when I dragged the last of my bags onto Cooper’s front porch, and I even vomited a little bit before I left. I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or because I had one hell of a hangover, but it didn’t matter, I would have to snap out of it for Brittany. She pulled up right on time of course, but I wouldn’t have expected less from her. She was like her brother in so many ways...good with scheduling and responsibility. It made me remember why I loved Trace, but then I remembered where he probably was at that very moment, and I quickly pushed the good feelings about him back inside of me.
Brittany got out of the airport shuttle once it came to a stop. Her smile was wide, and she ran to me and pulled me into a hug. It had been a really long time since I’d seen her. After the kidnapping, I think I may have ran into her twice before I went back to New York. I was glad to see her, tried to put all the bad shit out of my mind, but I could tell she knew that I wasn’t myself. She seemed to be trying really hard to make the morning as easy as possible for me though, and part of me thought that Trace may have called her and filled her in.
I had just loaded the last of my bags into the back of the van, and was about to get in behind Brittany when I heard my name being called. I turned around, and Cooper was standing there in his pajama bottoms. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. I knew he probably hadn’t slept at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was fight with him again right when I was about to leave. “Bye.” I waved at him miserably and began to turn away again.
“Wait.”
I sighed and Brittany gave me a strange look, but I couldn’t help but turn back to him. He had come to the bottom of the steps, and I slowly made my way over to him, expecting the worse. “My flight is...”
“I love you.” He said it quickly as he pulled me close to him. “I just...I just want you to know that. I want you to think about that on your way to Memphis.”
I sucked in my bottom lip and looked down at his chest. “You shouldn’t,” I whispered. “I’m not good for you anymore, Cooper.”
“Maybe you are though.” He pushed up on my chin so I would have to look at him. “Maybe you’re confused. I can live with that, okay?”
“Kerri!” Brittany called from behind me. “We’re gonna be late!”
I turned back to her quickly. “I’ll be right over!”
“I won’t keep you.” Cooper said when I turned back to him. “But I didn’t want you to fly out without telling you that.”
He leaned in to kiss me, and I let him, even though I felt like complete shit afterwards. “Bye,” I whispered.
“Will you call me when you get settled?”
“Yeah,” I promised him. “I will.”
He kissed me once more before letting me go. “Bye.”
I got into the van, and once the door closed I knew there was no turning back. I was on my way home, on my way back to things I’d turned my back on so long ago. Back to a chance. A chance to be with somebody I’d loved since I knew what love was.
“Was that Cooper?” Brittany had snickered once we were on the road. “Trace told me about him.”
I turned to her tiredly. “Yeah.”
“He’s hot.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I sat back and gazed out the window. I was happy that my morning had started out a little bit better than the night before, but I knew that my biggest problems lied just around the corner.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
