After a long tour, there’s nothing like going to the driving range and whacking a couple of buckets of balls. A year ago, you couldn’t keep me and Justin away from this place. I guess that’s why I’m here today. Kerri wanted me to do something for myself, so here I am, trying to drown out my anxiety with a few buckets of golf balls. It’s not helping. All this is doing is reminding me of Justin, and how much it sucks that he’s not really my friend anymore. I’ve barely gotten through half a bucket and it’s been three hours. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. By now, I should be fine. It’s been a few months, my life is changing, and I need to just accept that. Fuck, sometimes I can be such a baby. I can’t handle anything too life altering…like losing my best friend. Well okay, that’s a pretty big thing. Anybody would be upset about something like that.
I can’t lie. I miss his stupid ass. He called me up the other night, sounding more pathetic than ever. I probably could have been a little nicer to him, given in and let him talk to me. I know he wouldn’t have called me unless he didn’t have anybody else. Shit. I’m a bastard. I just hung up on him. I guess I was trying to protect Kerri. Yeah that’s it. He has no place in her life anymore, so I can’t deal with him either.
Shit, now I know what Kerri meant this morning.
I really am putting my life on hold. I shunned the best friend I have in the world for her. Granted he’s fucked the hell up, and he’s had more than his fair share of second chances. But still…horrible things happened to Justin and I’ve just seemed to disregard all of that. I shouldn’t. I need to go sit down and seriously think about what I’m losing. I mean, if I really put some effort in I could maintain some kind of friendship with Justin and still help Kerri, couldn’t I? Sure, it would be hard, but I think being able to talk to Justin again would help my emotional state of mind.
I whack a ball.
Fuck, what am I thinking? I’m fucked up because of Justin. I mean, the guy told me he wished I were dead. Dead. What kind of a friend says that? Yeah, I fucked up and stuff. But I couldn’t have prevented what happened in Tennessee. If anybody deserved to die it was those bastards who created this whole mess. And they did die. So what the hell?
My therapist says I have Separation Anxiety. She said its because of the kidnapping. She tells me that because my friends almost died, I’ll do anything to keep them close. I guess her theory is right when it comes to Kerri and me. I don’t know about Justin though. I pushed him away, but I guess that’s because I felt like I owed Kerri something, and well…I have strong feelings for her. I didn’t want to push him away though. I dwell on it everyday, so I guess the whole Separation thing counts for Justin too. Fuck, I don’t know. I’m tired of listening to that lady yap about my emotional distress. I mean, I know I’m a miserable bastard, and I’m working on it. The last session, I told her I wasn’t going to come back for awhile. I told her I needed to think things over on my own. She said that it was okay, but it wasn’t healthy for me to start bottling my feelings up again.
I don’t consider it bottling. I get my agressions out in my own way.
Maybe I’m really at the driving range, because I think Justin might decide to come here. That’s stupid though. He’s too much of a pussy to set foot in an open place like this, even with Eric or Tiny at his side. Ha. At least I can do this, and be fine with it. I don’t have to look over my shoulder every few seconds. I‘m not afraid to be out here on my own. I whack another ball.
I feel like shit.
I hand my other full bucket off to some kid and his dad. The kid gets so excited. “Free balls!” I have to laugh. If Justin were here we’d snicker about how funny that remark just sounded. But he’s not here. I don’t know where the fuck he is, nor do I care. Okay…all right I know where he is. He’s home, he doesn’t leave his house. Lynn called me yesterday and filled me in. I shouldn’t have cared. I could have told her I had to go, she would have been cool with that. But the sad truth is, I wanted to hear about what was going on with Justin. Fuck, I’m worried about him. She said he was home, and still going to therapy. She said she hired somebody to check up on him for her, because with all the shit she‘s doing, trying to keep his name out of bad press, she just doesn’t have the time. I was waiting for her to ask me to help out, but she never did. I think she finally gets it. She knows I need my space, but she still respects me like she always has. That’s why I love her I guess. That’s why she’s like a second mother to me. She asked me to go to lunch in a week or so, and of course I told her I would. It’ll be good to see her. She always makes me feel good about myself. Warm.
I check my watch. Three o’clock. Two hours until I can pick Kerri up. Two hours until I can show her this golf ticket and prove that I actually got out of the house today to do something that she’d never come out and do with me. Kerri hates golf. It sucks because back when everything was peachy keen, it’s all Justin and I would do on our off time. He’s really good at it too, Justin I mean. His handicap is ridiculous, and it’s yet another thing that he’s better at than me. I don’t mind. I’ve come to accept his perfection and not really care. I know my good qualities. I can drink like a champ…
I haven’t had a drink in a long time. Not that it was ever a problem or an addiction for me. I guess I just havent wanted to drink in front of Kerri, because I know it used to be a big issue with her. She’d drink herself to sleep, and I’d make myself sick worrying about her. I’m pretty sure she’s done with that stuff now. I think her accident made her open her eyes a little wider. Even though she wasn’t drinking when it happened, I’m sure she knows how much worse it could have been if she was. It upsets me that she had to go through so much to wisen the fuck up, but I shouldn’t dwell on the past. Hell, I shouldn’t even be thinking about Kerri like I am right now. She wouldn’t want me to be doing this, and hell…I need to get a life. I wonder if Tarin got my message about doing something on the weekend? Probably. She probably thinks I’m a fucking joke too.
It’s not like I’m asking her on a date or anything, but I know she wants to catch up, and I was really shitty to her a few days ago. I guess I’d like to talk to her a little more. Tell her a couple of things. Nothing too deep of course, but maybe just…some of my fears and shit. I haven’t even been that open with my shrink, and it’s probably why we don’t get along very well. It’s hard for me to trust people, seeing as how Justin fucked me over. Kerri knows all about it, but I’m tired of putting that shit on her. I want her to forget about all of this, so I’ll change…I’ll find somebody else to talk to. If it can’t be Tarin then I’m sure I wont have an issue finding some other girl. It’s shitty of me, but I know I can use what I have and who I know to get a date. It’s not like I haven’t done it in the past. I’m not the type to use or take advantage of a girl…but fuck, I’m lonely and Kerri certainly isn’t going to give in to my desires. I need somebody to lean on, besides the mess of a girl I’m living with right now. I sound like an asshole. I am. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I need to be selfish. Maybe I just need to cut her off and start going out and shit…leave her alone to be a mess. I mean, I’ve done a lot for her, and still…even bringing up the idea of going to dinner is a touchy subject. It’s been too long, way too long and I’m tired of becoming more and more depressed. Yes, it’s time for a change, and I guess if I have to leave Kerri behind I will.
I’m a son of a bitch.
I sigh and walk back to my car. I’m a great thinker, but I can‘t seem to put my thoughts where my mouth is. It‘s sad but true. I can think all this shit now, but I know the second I pull up to the radio station and Kerri gets in the car, I’ll be totally different because she’s right in front of me. I’ll try to please her, I wont question anything she says or does because I want her to be happy. She’ll tell me she’s not up to going to dinner, but that I should go out. Of course I wont leave her. I’d feel too guilty about leaving her alone. God forbid something happened while I was gone. We’ll end up sitting on the couch, eating some shitty Dominos pizza and watching a lame romantic comedy on TNT. She’ll fall asleep on the couch and I’ll cover her up and go to bed myself. Then tomorrow will come and the whole thing will start over again.
Most nights I lie awake in bed and try to figure out how my life got so out of control, so fucking fast. I remember when I first heard Justin’s paniced voice over the phone that night, asking me to help them…to give those fuck heads whatever they wanted. I hate to think that the most I could do was stand in the middle of Lynn’s overcrowded dining room, my mouth hanging open, without a clue as what I was supposed to do for my friends. I couldn’t offer any comfort or hope, I was too shocked to react. It’s a horrible feeling…desparation. It leaves you empty…hollow inside. Looking back on all of it now makes me angry. I acted like a child and cried in a corner when I should have been figuring out a solution to the problem. I mean, fuck, Justin was counting on me. Kerri was too. But no, I was too weak to see any of that. Weak and stupid. Stupid enough that I let the whole thing happen. I had my chance to stop it long before it began, but I was just too selfish to see what was going on. While I’m still coping with that whole thing, I know I’ll never be able to truly forgive myself. In a way I guess I’ll always feel responsible for putting them both through that nightmare.
And I’ll never be able to forgive myself for giving that bastard the opportunity to torture Justin like he did.
I wonder if Justin even knows how much guilt I have built up inside of me still. I wonder if he even cares? Maybe he does. He did try to call, but then again he was probably desperate too. Well desperate, or drunk. Hell, it could have been both for all I know. I shouldn’t care. Justin isn’t a part of my life anymore. I’m supposed to be moving forward, not looking back…all that crap. I can’t help myself though. It’s the same reason why it’s taken Kerri this long to start living again. It’s why she’s still terrified of every little thing. I realize I push her to the extreme sometimes, and I shouldn’t be…because I’m just as scared of things as she is. I guess it’s a control issue. I need to make sure I can keep somebody sane, so I won’t completely fall apart. Not even Kerri knows how fucked up I am. Yeah, she knows I have problems, but she also feels that I’m a hell of a lot more together than she is. She doesn’t have a clue though. Nobody does. It’s why Elisha left, and why my family has been do distant from me. It’s why the rest of my friends want nothing to do with me.
It’s why, with the exception of Kerri, that I’m basically alone.
I drive around for awhile, before I find myself back on the same road I repeatedly told myself I wouldn’t drive down ever again. The houses are huge around here. I remember on one of my first trips to Los Angeles, Justin and I came up here to see if we could spot any hot Playboy models. We didn’t of course. The gates around here are enough to keep even the best parrazzi photographers at a good distance. I remember parking on a side street, Justin in the front seat, Lance in the back. I pulled out my weed and we smoked it together while talking about how one day we’d all have a big house here. NSYNC had just been signed to an American deal then, so we were all basically living out of a Marriot in central Los Angeles while the guys did some shows around the area. It wasn’t the worst place, but it was pretty cramped. Three of us to a room wasn’t exactly our idea of getting a good nights sleep. But on the other hand, it was a lot roomier than being on the bus with seven other people.
Things were so much simpler than. Sure, Justin was getting his name out there, but he certainly didn’t have the following he does now. Back then we could still do things like that, without worrying about photographers and crazy people following us around. None of us realized how good we had it then. There was money. There always would be…but we were free to do whatever we wanted without worrying about the consequences. Back then, Justin didn’t need a trio of bulky security guards around him. We did what we wanted to do, and we could still fantasize of what it would be like to have all the money in the world. Years passed, NSYNC became a phenomenon. I was brought along for the ride, learned the tools of the trade. I learned how fake and selfish people could be. I watched Justin change. Our friendship stayed the same of course…but he changed. He grew up fast and sort of left Kerri and I hanging in the dust. Of course I changed a lot too. In fact, I think Kerri was the only one who stayed completely the same. I never got an ego though. Justin definently did. I’d stood in the background and looked on while he sweet talked girls into believing he was going to be their everything…
He’d never call them.
I warned Kerri about it too. I used to see that stupid silly smile on her face whenever she’d come out on tour with us. She’d look at Justin like he was the love of her life, and I fucking warned her. I told her that he wasn’t ready to be tied down to anybody. Britney was an on again off again thing. The thing about her was, she was persistant, I guess that’s why Justin hung with her for such a long time. But Kerri wasn’t persistent. She was just the girl from next door that we’d known for most of our lives. And I knew she loved Justin. I knew she could be good for him too. Too good. I think part of Justin wanted that though. I think part of him always loved her and wanted to care for her. But the other part, the egotistical rich boy that usually made up his mind for him would never allow him to be with her like that.
I went to get a bucket of ice for me and my date the night she came by the hotel. Hair in a frenzy, clad in sweats and some old ratty tee shirt, I barely missed knocking her over on my way back to my room. I remember staring at Kerri, knowing exactly why she was there. Girls didn’t come to visit Justin in the middle of the night to ‘watch a movie’, as she’d put it when I asked why she was there. I knew what was going on, and I…I fucking warned her.
“You know what you’re doing right?,” I’d said.
“God, Trace.” She threw her head back and laughed that carefree laugh of hers that I miss so much. “We’re not animals or anything.”
“Kerri,” I’d narrowed my eyes at her. “You know his girl has been giving him shit.”
Then she’d glared at me, and I knew I wasn’t going to convince her to turn around and go back to her dorm. “I know what I’m fucking doing, Trace,” she’d snapped. “Justin likes me and if that bothers you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t be with somebody else.”
I’d loved her then. I could have told her that too, but I just didn’t see a point. She would have thought it was the alcohol talking, because I confess…I was pretty buzzed off the shots I’d been doing with that girl in my hotel room. But I wasn’t so far gone that I didn’t know where my heart. Sometimes I think about what might have happened if I’d persisted…if I’d told her that she was making a big fucking mistake. That Justin was just going to use her, like he used every girl he dated. She probably would have gone ahead into Justin’s room anyway, but maybe…maybe she would have realized I was right after it was all over. Maybe she would have viewed me differently.
Maybe she’d be my girl right now.
But I didn’t tell her anything. I just forced a smile, told her to have a good night, and I went back to my room to fuck around with that girl. Funny, I can’t remember her name. I just know she’d been one of the girls waiting for Justin in the lobby, and she had taken a ‘sudden’ liking to me. I’d given her and her friend passes to the show the next day, and she never called me again. I think Justin may have actually gotten with her, but I don’t even know. I just know it was the millionth time I’d been led to think that I’d gotten a hot girl to fuck me based on who I actually was, and not because I knew Justin. I tended to make that mistake a lot. Sometimes knowing exactly who I was getting involved with, but being too lonely to care. After Justin and Kerri stopped speaking, I think I woke up a little bit. I realized what I could lose if I wasn’t careful. So, I decided that I was going to start talking to girls who were respectable, instead of manipulative little Justin groupies. I was a lot better off. I had two pretty long term relationships with girls who couldn’t have given a shit about Justin. Kerri was always in the back of my mind of course, and I made sure that I still remained as close with her as I’d always been, despite the fact that Justin was an idiot.
I’m parked in front of a house I know all too well, and I want to kick myself for being here. Why the hell am I at Justin’s? Am I that desperate? Do I need him that much? Fuck. I attempt to drive away, but I just can’t. I want to go through that gate. I want to see my friend. I want to know if he’s okay, and I want to tell him that I’m a fucking mess. That I shouldn’t’ have just cut him off. He’d understand. I know he would. We’ve been friends too long. He’s like my fucking brother. Fuck this, I’m just going to go in. I start to get out of the car to buzz the intercom at the gate, but I freeze in my seat when I see somebody come out of the house. It’s not Justin either. It’s… a girl? What the fuck? He’s got a girl living with him? That nasty fuck. I know Lynn told me she had somebody checking in on him for her…but it couldn’t possibly be a young girl like that. I watch her go to the driveway, where a car sits, it’s trunk open. She pulls some bags out of it. Groceries. She got him groceries? I’m confused. I wonder if Lynn even knows about this. Surely the person she hired would have told her that there was some weird girl staying at the house. I should call her…
“Hey!”
She’s spotted me sitting here. I swallow hard, and grip the steering wheel tightly.
“Who the hell is over there?”
She puts the bags on the ground and shuffles over to the gate. I pull my seatbelt on quickly, but I can’t pull away just yet I…I have to get a look at her. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just curious and fucking confused as all hell right now. Her tiny hands grip the black metal bars on the gate and she puts her tiny face through the gap. I can tell she’s about the same age as we are, possibly a year or two younger. She’s fair skinned, with hazelnut colored hair that falls in curls around her shoulders. She has a nice appearnce…makeup and all. It’s not trashy though, its professional. Justin usually doesn’t go for the professinal looking types, so now I’m even more confused.
“What are you doing?,” she barks at me. “This is private property.”
“I um…,” I stutter like an idiot and come up with something as quickly as I can. “Wrong house.”
She glares at me, and I can tell she‘s not buying it. “Well, where are you trying to go?”
“It’s fine,” I reassure her quickly, and put the car in drive again. “I think it’s the next street over. Thanks.”
She points a finger through the bars. “If I see you sneaking around here again, I will call the police.”
She knows exactly what she’s up against in this world, and I don’t blame her for being pararnoid. I wonder how much she knows about Justin. If anything, she knows the basics. In this world, you’re considered to be living in a cave if you havent heard about what happened to Justin by now. Does it freak her out that he’s a wreck? Or does she like that? Does she care about him? Does she know that he’s still deathly afraid of the world? Before, I was angry at him for having somebody else in the house, but now I’m more concerned than anything. Who knows what her intentions are? She could be fucking using him or something. He’s so fucked up right now he wouldn’t even realize. Lynn needs to get out here as soon as she can to evaluate all of this. Hell, I’m going to call her tonight. Somebody needs to keep an eye out for this shit.
It’s four thirty by the time I get back to KISS FM. I figure I’ll just wait for Kerri and try to calm down before she comes out. I can’t tell her about any of this. She doesn’t need to worry about Justin. I know she’d freak out if she knew he had some weird girl living at his house. She’d want to go see for herself, and that’s just not going to happen. I wont have her fucked up all over again because of his stupid shit.
I’ll get to the bottom of this myself. It’s my obligation. I owe it to Lynn.
And here I was thinking that Justin was a forgotten cause.
Author's Chapter Notes:
too many words. double posted chapter.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
