Brittany chatted with me about what had been going on with her and her family since the last time we’d seen each other. I barely paid attention, just sort of smiled and nodded, and added in mindless comments every now and then just so she wouldn’t think I was ignoring her. I was able to sleep during the last hour of our flight, thankfully, and it made me more alert when we finally landed. It was overcast and a little bit rainy in Memphis, and I immediately associated the bad weather with the miserable way I felt. Brittany had a rental car waiting for her, and told me she would drop me off and then come back to meet Trace. I was too tired to argue with her, to tell her that I wanted to wait for Trace with her so I could see Justin. I figured she wouldn’t get it, and I didn’t need anybody else in Shelby thinking that I’d completely lost it.
The ride seemed to go faster than I wanted it to. I guess that was because I was dreading seeing my parents again. Once I’d gotten the last of my bags out of Brittany’s car, I stood alone in front of the house, just staring, knowing I didn’t want to go inside. For a few moments I even contemplated turning around and going back to Los Angeles, and I probably would have if my fear of cabs didn’t kick in.
I dragged my bags onto the porch and rang the bell. It took awhile, probably because it was early, but the door was finally opened. I was greeted by my father. He was in his bathrobe, and I could tell he’d just woken up. I didn’t even want to talk to him. It was his fault I’d been forced to come home in the first place, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I knew Justin would be around, I probably would have bailed.
“Hello, Kerrigan.” He said softly.
“Hi.” I barely looked at him as I slung a duffle bag over my shoulder. “Where’s mom?”
“Asleep. Your sister is at Grandma’s.”
I just nodded and walked past him into the house. It hit me like a ton of bricks standing there in the foyer. The last time I’d been home was right after the accident, and the feelings between myself and my parents had been just as awkward. If it hadn’t been for Trace, I think I would have gone crazy, and this time I didn’t even have his guidance.
“You stayin’ for the whole week?” My father asked me as he helped move more of my bags into the house.
“That’s what you wanted, right?” I said to him bitterly.
“I’d appreciate some respect in my house,” he told me. “I asked you here for your own good, young lady. You can’t alienate your family.”
“Right.” I snorted, and picked up a bag so I could head upstairs with it. “I’m exhausted. I’ll see you when I wake up again.”
“You know, Justin called looking for you a few weeks back,” he called back to me when I began to ascend the stairs. “I didn’t know how to reach you, or I would have passed him along.”
I froze, and it took me a good five minutes for me to turn back to him again. “Justin?”
My father just nodded. “Thought you’d want to know.”
It was with that thought in my mind, that I was able to relax just a little bit. Justin was looking for me. Justin cared. Justin wanted to talk too, and I knew I just had to wait it out, bide my time until he and I were able to bump into each other and talk again. Talk about everything, and realize that we needed to be together.
I slept all day after that.
I’ve been awake for a few hours now, staring at the pink walls. The sun is glowing an orange-purple through my window, dinner time. I’m not hungry, but I’m sure my father will make me come down eventually. I know I should probably call Cooper but I’m really not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow morning I will. I’ll just tell him there was a lot going on, and he’ll probably think I was having sex with Justin or something, but I just don’t care. I’m too fucked up to care, I realize. I did text Melanie before I fell asleep. It turns out she’s in Memphis too, and I’m hoping I can find time to see her. I know she’d be willing to listen to my issues and it’s so great that we both ended up in the same place.
I need a friend right now.
I turn over and face my nightstand, yanking open it’s drawer to see if I have any Advil handy as my head is still pounding a little bit and I smile when I find a bottle. I take some, and decide to head downstairs. The familiar smells of a home cooked meal are non existent though, and as I search the house I find that nobody is home. I’m alone. My parents don’t give a crap, obviously, and I scowl. I make myself a sandwich, and decide to go out on the porch swing and eat it since it’s still light out. When I get outside, I realize why my parents aren’t home. There’s some huge barbeque going on in Lynn’s backyard right now, and I realize the entire neighborhood is probably over there. Nobody bothered to wake me up so I could tell come along. But of course they wouldn’t.
I mean, I’m not exactly welcome.
I throw my sandwich over the porch railing, feeling disgusted with this whole thing, and knowing this is probably how the entire week will go while I’m here. This is my father’s way to spite me, I’m sure. To punish me for deserting the family. He knows I’m not the most popular person when it comes to Justin’s family, and so I’m assuming he’s waiting for me to be embarrassed in front of them all.
I hate this. I hate Trace for not being here, I hate Tarin for stealing him away from me, and I hate my parents for treating me like this.
I decide to take a walk.
Of course, there are people littering the sidewalk outside of Lynn’s house, staring me down because they know who I am and have probably heard all about how much of a psycho I’ve turned into. I recognize Justin’s cousin, Rachael, immediately. She’s talking to another girl who I don’t recognize, but figure she’s one of the numerous people who have flown out for her brother’s wedding.
Rachael comes running across the street to greet me.
I loathe this girl.
High school was difficult enough without her humiliating me in the hallways, shunning me from group activities in gym, and announcing to the whole world that I was obsessed with her cousin because he was famous and I wanted to use to him to my benefit. I never talked to Justin about it, because he’s always been close with her and I didn’t want to start anything. I thought once we grew up it wouldn’t be so bad, but Rachael kept on, trying as hard as she could to prove to Justin and everybody else that I was no good.
Apparently nothing has changed this time around either.
“Hey, Kerrigan.” She smiles slyly as she keeps up with my pace. “They said you might be coming to this.”
“Yeah.” I nod, and try to be pleasant even though I feel like slapping that smile off of her face. “How are you Rachael?”
“I’m really good. You know, glad to have Justin home finally. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute, if that’s okay.”
I already don’t like where this is going, and I stop walking. “What is it this time?” I cross my arms and glare at her a little.
“Well I just wanted to let you know that everybody is here to have a good time, Kerri. Me and some of the girls were just concerned, you know, that you might bring some negativity to the situation.”
“You never cease to amaze me, Rachael.” I shake my head and laugh bitterly.
“I just wanted to give you fair warning. Justin hasn’t been home in a long time, and we don’t need you trying to butt in and hog him from everyone. You’re not his priority, and I’ll put a stop to it fast if I see it happening, got it? My brother is getting married and I won’t let you bring drama to the wedding celebration.”
I wish I could punch her, but I know it would get me nowhere. I’d tell her it was Justin that called looking for me a few weeks back. That he cares just as much for me as I do for him, but I don’t feel like stooping to her level. I don’t need to prove anything to Rachael.
“Are you done?”
“Look, stay away from Justin. That’s all,” she grunts, and walks away from me.
I start walking again as she rushes back across the street and begins to whisper with the girl she was talking to originally. I’m sure they’re telling each other how much of a bitch or a psycho that I am. That I don’t deserve to be here, that I have no place. That I shouldn’t have anything to do with Justin, because he’s too good for me. It’s starting. It’s only the first day and already it’s starting, and I remember just why it was that I was so anxious to get out of Shelby after high school. I can’t stand small town gossip. I can’t stand that I’m always the one that everybody finds to be strange, or annoying. I can’t stand the fact that I’ve been such a big part of Jusitn’s life, but still so insignificant to people like Rachael at the same time.
I wish I could leave this place already.
But I can’t.
I walk farther, down a long road that leads to our general store and into town. My bad leg starts to ache. It’s been a long time since I’ve walked this far and I guess the muscles just aren’t used to it. I remember the doctor telling me I should try to walk more if I can, but I just haven’t been focused on that kind of thing. Too much shit has been going on. I remember when Justin and I were together I would go running to ease my mind a little bit, but can’t do that now. If I try to run it’s awkward. I look like some kind of retard, so I just walk, and try to hide my limp if I can.
I stop walking when I come upon a familiar landmark. My breathing grows rapid. It even starts to get hard to breath, and I find myself falling silently to my knees as I stare. Most of the stores are closed now, with the exception of the bakery. It’s dinner time. The setting sun is turning the sky a brilliant pink color, and the scenario is all too familiar. I remember this...how the twilight was beginning to settle over our sleepy little town as a gun was shoved into my head...as we were crammed into the back of Justin’s car. Nobody was around then either, it was dinnertime, the bakery stayed open for that last minute customer, like Justin. I stare at the building, at the empty parking lot, and I’m so fucking afraid.
It’s the first time I’ve come back here since we were taken and so much has happened since then. I’m not the same. I’m not strong, like that girl that came back to town almost a year ago to see her family. I can’t handle things. I want my friends back, my old life...
But I can’t have any of it, and nobody wants me around.
“Why.” I moan and my butt hits the back of my heels as I cover my face with my hands, and just cry. “Why did this happen?”
But nobody answers me, and for the first time I have to admit to myself that nobody else really cares. Everybody else has moved on with their lives, and according to Trace, that includes Justin too. I want to think he doesn’t deserve to move on, but I can’t. I love him too much and I want him to be happy. Even if that means I have to suck up the pain for the both of us. I’ll do it for him. I’ll do it for him, and God willing, he’ll know how much I love him by the end of this week.
God willing, I’ll get him back.
“I saw you walking...why’d you come here?”
I look up and I see Trace sitting in his mother’s car, gazing at me from the open drivers side window. Having him here doesn’t change my mood though, it only makes it worse. “I needed to get out of the house,” I mutter, and wipe my tears away before pushing myself to my feet. “Why aren’t you at the party?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he tells me. “Come on, get in, I’ll take you back.”
I shake my head. “I’ll walk.”
“Nope.” He gets out of the car this time, and walks over to me. “I can’t leave knowing that you’re still here. There’s too much to think about and you have a long week ahead of you. Come on, girl.”
He pulls me to my feet and I yank my hand away before he can pull me over to the car like child. “I’m capable of walking, thanks.”
“I know you’re pissed about the jet,” he tells me once we’re both in the car. “Believe me, it was better this way.”
“Whatever.” I sigh and yank my seatbelt on. “It doesn’t even matter.”
He sighs, but doesn’t say anything else as we pull away from the shopping center. We’re back in the neighborhood within five minutes, and Trace parks in my parents driveway. “Some of us are gonna have a bon fire later. You should come.”
“Not if Rachael’s going,” I flash him a sarcastic smile and release my seatbelt.
“You two need to stop this war you’ve had going on since fifth grade,” he laughs.
“I will if she does.” I narrow my eyes at him. “Thanks anyway.”r32;
“Just come. Come on, Ker. Please? For me?”
I laugh at him. “Why should I? Where’s the Princess?”
“She’s spending the night with some of the other girls,” he says all too quickly. “I just...I thought you could come tonight. It’ll be fun, like old times. I...I want to spend some time with you.”
A sly smile forms at the corner of my mouth. “Your mom wants to kill you, huh?”
He looks down. “I didn’t even tell her yet. We want to get settled in first. I’ll tell her tomorrow.
“You know,” I continue with amusement. “The longer you put it off, the more she’s going to hold it against you.”
“What am I supposed to do? I mean, we just got home. I’m not going to subject myself to my mother’s shit until I’m good and ready.” He grips the steering wheel tightly, turning his knuckles brilliant white as he stares straight ahead. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now,” he mutters.
“So you’d rather get loaded around a roaring fire?” I scoff. “Great solution.”
He just shrugs. “I need to do something to calm my nerves, and Justin is busy.”
“Like father, like son.” I grin at him. “Glad to know you’re following in his footsteps.”
“Fuck you.” He scowls. “You were drunk as shit last night, and you and the bottle aren’t exactly strangers.”
“Yeah, but you know better,” I point out. “I’m just an idiot.”
He slams a hand on the steering wheel and sucks in his bottom lip as he shakes his head. “I gotta go,” he mutters finally.
“Trace, stop being so damn sensitive.”
“Are you coming tonight or not?” He says to me loudly, as he meets my gaze.
I know he’s desperate. He needs me, despite what happened last night. He knows I’m still annoyed with him, but he also knows that I understand what he’s going through right now. I don’t even think Tarin can grasp it. I mean, she doesn’t know his father. She doesn’t know how much he’s embarrassed Trace and the rest of the family their whole lives. I get it. I always have, and Trace knows that I’ll be here for him.
“I’ll come,” I huff. “But if Rachael starts in with me, I’m going right back home.”
“Thanks, Ker.”
He looks at me and smiles just a little bit. It’s a thankful smile, and for the first time since I landed, I feel like my presence is needed here more than anywhere else.
And that feels good.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
