Twins.  Holy shit.  My best friend is having twins, while the idea of getting married still scares the crap out of me.  When he first told me we were high as fuck so I wasn’t sure if I heard him right, but when I asked him about it this morning he told me he was serious.  It’s crazy.  I never thought this whole thing with him and Tarin would get really serious, because she’s so damn immature at times.  But it has gotten serious, and all of a sudden I’m seeing this entirely new side of her.  She really cares about my best friend.  Like, she’d have to.  Anybody that would take that kind of an ass chewing from his mom and still stick around would have to care, and it sucks that she’s been treated so shitty by the woman so far.  

I think Momma B is just afraid.  Afraid that Trace has been roped into something that isn’t going to work out, and who could blame her?  Trace is a millionaire, and ever since he became that way his mom has always worried about him getting involved with the wrong girl.  Hell, my mom has too when it comes to me, only I’ve been a little smarter about it.  I’ve tried to date strictly within the business, and that worked for a while with Britney, and then Kerri...I mean, she wasn’t just some stranger I picked up off the street.  She was part of my inner circle so I never had a problem with her when it came to my mom.  But Tarin is different.  Trace’s mom doesn’t know her from anywhere.  She was just some girl that started hanging around during my NSYNC days that Trace and I both got with.  It’s terrible, but that’s really how I felt about her back then.

Now it’s different, because I can see him marrying this girl.  He was engaged to Elisha of course, but for some reason I always felt that their whole relationship was forced.  He felt safe with Elisha because she was in the industry and made her own money so she wouldn’t use him for his own.  It didn’t work out because their personalities were too different, and it took my kidnapping to bring that out.  She hated the fact that Trace put his friends first, and any girl involved with our little group needs to understand that our friends always come first.

I’m glad Tarin took her place, despite her flaws.

I mean, we all have flaws.

Getting mobbed by your own family is never something that you’re totally prepared for, and it’s even worse when you’re caught off guard.  I had to deal with family from the moment I stepped off the airplane until I went to bed that first night.  Although, I would have rather dealt with all the people at the house greeting me at the airport, rather than the one person who actually did.  My grandfather was somebody I was trying to pace myself with, talk to him when I was ready, but he made it a point to shove himself and our issues in my face as soon as I landed.  I should have known he would.  He’s strong willed, and doesn’t take any bullshit from his grandkids.  

At least he treated Melanie well.

I trembled the entire way home, the thought that he might blurt something embarrassing out in front of Melanie terrifying me.  He didn’t really though.  He only told her I hadn’t been home in a long time and when I tried to defend myself he simply cut me off.  I let him.  I couldn’t get into a fight with him in front of Mel, that I knew.  I figured he would just let it roll off his shoulders and leave me alone the rest of the night.  But when we finally arrived at the house, and started to bring the bags inside, he didn’t hesitate to corner me once we were upstairs.

“You listen to me, boy,” he said sternly, pointing me in the chest with his finger.  “We’re gonna talk, you and me, once all this hoopla dies down.  Understand?”

I was terrified, like I was eight years old again and had been caught playing with his rifle.  “Y-yes sir.”

“Good.”

He walked away and I leaned against the wall, panting harshly.  I was twenty-four and I was baffled that the man could still put the fear of god in me.  Of course, I was a lot weaker than I used to be.  It was only Melanie who had made me somewhat stronger, but I didn’t feel strong then.  I was reminded of what I’d been turned into by Shane.  A fucking idiot.  A monster.  A weak, cowering piece of shit.  I wanted to melt away and never return, but that wasn’t possible, so I forced myself to go downstairs where I was immediately greeted by what seemed to be three hundred people who all wanted to talk to me at the same time.

Needless to say, they all made me forget about my grandfather in a short span of time.  They were just happy to see me.  They didn’t care what I’d done or how long I’d been away, and I was thankful for them.  Most of all, I was grateful for my grandmother.  How she hugged me and cherished me.  She didn’t seem to hold anything against me, and I felt really guilty that I’d cut her off for so long.  Then again, me and Nanna had always shared a special bond and when she looked me in the eyes that day I could tell she knew why I’d had to do what I did for so long.  

We’re doing well.

Things with Mel have been going better than expected too.  My whole family seemed to take to her the instant she was introduced to them by my mom.  My pushy aunts wanted to know all about her, barely let the poor girl eat after we all sat down to dinner, and at one point my dad had to interject and distract them just so Melanie’s salad wouldn’t get soggy.  They meant no harm of course.  My Aunt Beverly, who is the most judgmental person in the world, pulled me aside after dinner and asked me how long I’d been dating her and could the family be expecting a wedding anytime soon.  I blushed and tried to play Mel off as if she weren’t really my girlfriend, but I know I sounded pathetic.  Rachael had been right.  It was more than obvious that Mel and I shared something more than just a professional relationship, and the family was figuring that out.  I think the only people who had sort of turned a blind eye to it were momma and dad, probably because they didn’t want to push me or make me upset. I mean, I seriously doubt they ever thought I would have rejoined society again after what happened, much less bring a girl home, even if that girl was supposedly working for me.

I think they’re just happy to have me back.

I hung out with my dad that first night.  In all honesty I would have rather spent it with Melanie, Trace, and Tarin, but my mom wanted to have a girls night, and I knew I couldn’t ask her to change her plans.  I figured it would be good for Mel and Tarin to get acquainted with everybody sooner rather than later, and so I bid them both goodbye after dinner.  Rachael and Trace were having a fire over at his mom’s house, but I knew I had the chance to spend some time with my dad so I declined.  Trace didn’t seem to think anything of it, and that told me he didn’t really want me to come.  That meant Kerri would be there.  It was the only logical explanation and I was glad I had an excuse to stay away.

There would be time for her later, I was certain.

My dad dug out his old chess set, and we sat out in the yard with it, playing for a while.  It had been forever since I’d played, and it showed.  He beat me two games out of three, and normally I would have sulked at that, being the perfectionist that I am, but I didn’t really care then.  It wasn’t about the game.  It was about spending time with him.  I’d neglected him, along with everyone else, but he was the only one who seemed to let it roll off his shoulders.  I didn’t understand.  The man had raised me and I cut him off after the kidnapping when I should have been confiding in him.  I guess Shane made it hard for me.  I could barely look him in the eye when the police had escorted us back home.  I felt too dirty, too lame, too disgusting.  I felt like I didn’t deserve to be his son anymore.

“You need to brush up on your game, boy,” my dad snickered and leaned back in his chair, as he popped a toothpick in his mouth.

“Yeah, I haven’t really been thinking about chess much,” I laughed a little and looked down at the board for a few minutes.  “Maybe next time I’ll have you beat like before.”

“You know, you’ve changed a lot since the last time we saw each other, son.”  

It was totally out of the blue and I quickly looked up at him.  “Well I...”

“Seems like you’ve grown a thicker skin,” he smirked.  “I’m proud of you.”

It felt so good to hear him say that, and I felt my smile grow wider.  “I’ve been trying really hard, dad,” I said, quietly.  

“Your mom was telling me,” he said, more seriously.  “Justin, I want to you know that we both love you very much.  It doesn’t matter what happened. None of it has ever mattered to me or your mother.  We just want to see you happy again and be able to communicate with you.  It hasn’t been the same around here.”

I sucked in a long breath.  I wondered if he knew.  If momma had told him about Shane.  He was probably the only person I wouldn’t have minded her telling, but I was petrified of asking him about it.  It was a great burden of mine, hiding it from him.  It hurt me more to keep it from him than it did keeping it from daddy.  I guess I never really thought about how close I was with Paul.  How I really truly looked up to him, and how daddy had always sort of been an afterthought.  I mean, daddy had helped me in the past with financial shit when my career was getting started.  He made sure I didn’t get screwed when I bought my first real house, and I was always welcomed into his home.  Hell, Lisa treated me like a son and I loved the boys.  But it just...it’s never been a true father and son bond with us.  When I was little...after he left, I remember feeling really confused for a while.  Poppa was there but I had no father.  Then Paul came along and it was like...momma and I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore.  He was my dad, he took care of us and supported my talent.

I’d be nothing without him.

“I’m...dad, I’m sorry,” I whispered, forcing myself to look him in the eye.  “I was lost for a really long time.  I just, I couldn’t find my way back until now.”

He nodded and stroked his stubbly chin for a moment.  “I know, son.  I know.”

There was more in his tone, like he knew everything, but didn’t want to come out and say it.

I didn’t want him to either.

We hugged for a long time.  I felt myself start to break down as he patted my back, and I sobbed gently into his shoulder.  He let me without a question, and while I knew I hadn’t done anything like that since I was a little kid, it made me feel better to know he didn’t mind that I was.  

He turned in soon after, telling me he had to get up and help Poppa with some things in the morning but that he would see me later in the afternoon.  I stayed out for a while after, alone, looking up at the starless night sky.  The only sound I could hear were the crickets chirping and the sounds of drunken laughter coming from the Ayala’s house down the block.  I’d forgotten how peaceful being back home could be, since I was so terrified of coming near my hometown up until a few weeks prior.  I changed.  It was like I’d suddenly forgotten my fears.  I was too focused on other things...like Melanie.  Seeing her everyday made me forget how depressing my life had been.  How terrible the things that had happened to me were.  I really did love her, completely, without a question.  She’d given me so much.  She’d given me my family back, my courage, my stamina, my confidence.  I was a person again, not a shell, not a weakling.  I could make decisions, and when our trip ended I would go home and start my career again.  In a years time I would be back on top, with her at my side.  We would see the world together.  Nothing could stop us.

That was all I cared about.

She was the person I was living for.

I went inside after a while, having every intention of popping in a movie and making myself some leftovers, but when I heard a bunch of girls cackling in the next room I realized I’d been outnumbered.  They were all sitting in a circle in the middle of the living room: momma, Mel, Tarin, Fiona who was the bride, and who I could only guess were all of her bridesmaids.  I snickered, loving the fact that I was about to crash their party, and quickly made some popcorn before plopping myself on the couch directly in front of their circle.

“Hey, no boys aloud,” Tarin said, playfully sticking her tongue out at me.  

“Why? I’m good at girl talk.”  I shoved some popcorn in my mouth and smiled at them all.  “Try me.”

“We were just about to watch some home movies your mom found,” Melanie chimed in, smiling mischievously at me.  

“What kind of home movies?”  I looked at my mom and she was grinning at me as she wagged an old vhs tape in the air.  “Momma...”

“Now Justin,” my mom said, getting up and patting my shoulder.  “You shouldn’t be embarrassed that these nice girls are getting to see what you were like in your early days.  Everybody needs to start someplace, right?”

The girls all agreed, and I started to feel queasy.  I had a good idea what was on that video tape, and I didn’t feel like being embarrassed my first night back in town.  “Not the cowboy hat,” I muttered.  “I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

I looked at Tarin, and she was grinning devilishly at me.  “Well I ain’t strippin’.  That’s only for certain eyes.”  I winked at Mel.

“Justin!” Melanie laughed.  

I shrugged.  “I didn’t do anything.”

My mom swatted me.  “I’m putting on the tape.”

“Wait! Lynn...wait a second.”  Tarin stood up and placed her hands on her hips.  “Let’s hear Justin’s compromise first.”

The group fell silent, and I searched my mind for the best thing I could come up with.  

“I think he should perform whatever is on the tape for us,” Fiona suggested.  “But he has to do it exactly like he did it back then, and I’m sure Lynn can make sure it gets done the right way.”

I felt my face turning crimson.  It wasn’t so much the song as it was the dance that went along with it, and I knew I was going to make a fool out of myself.  “Well...maybe we can watch the video.”

“Ohhh no,” Tarin said, pulling me into the center of their circle.  “You wanted a compromise and you got one.”

My mom handed me one of my dad’s cowboy hats, and was laughing so hard that tears had started to stream down her face.  “Justin, do you remember?”

I sighed deeply, staring down at the hat in my hands.  “I don’t think I could ever forget.”  I glanced at Mel quickly as I said it. She was sitting there, indian style, her expression filled with amusement. She couldn’t wait to see me make an ass out of myself, and I figured I had nothing to lose.  Nobody in that room was there to judge me.  They were just having fun and I needed to do that too.  I performed my old school rendition of Garth Brooks’ “Two of a Kind” complete with hat tossing, finger snapping, and knee shaking.  I don’t know how the hell I remembered every word, but I did, and in the end everybody was so beside themselves with laughter I doubted they noticed how nervous I was the entire time.

“That...that was the best thing I’ve seen in a long time...” Tarin was laughing hysterically into Melanie’s shoulder, and couldn’t seem to stop herself.

“Hey, I won first prize for that routine!” I exclaimed as I twirled the cowboy hat in my hand.

“Was it a sympathy vote?” Fiona cackled.

“You guys suck,” I frowned, but my smiled overpowered it as I stepped out of the circle and sat down on the couch.  Melanie stood up and went to sit beside me, and I thought for a second that I could feel my mom staring at us from across the room.  Naturally, when I looked up at her she pretended to be reading some magazine, and I knew she’d started to become suspicious of us.  I didn’t know if that was bad, I knew it could be, but at the same time I didn’t really care.  Hell, I would have held Mel’s hand and kissed her cheek right then if I thought she would have been comfortable with it.  It was too soon though.  There would be time for that, I was sure, when we were away from people’s prying eyes.

Somebody had the brilliant idea to bring out the karaoke machine next, and I’m pleased to report I was able to witness Melanie and Tarin sing and dance to Debbie Gibson’s ‘Shake Your Love,’ and ‘Only In My Dreams’, with my mom chiming in during the choruses.  Melanie even wore the cowboy hat for me during both songs, and I guess I can say we’re even now in the embarrassing moments department.  My only regret of the night was that Trace missed it.  I was sure he would have loved to see his girlfriend acting like an asshole, but as I would come to find out, he was dealing with bigger issues.  His dad got drunk at some bar downtown, and like always, Trace was sent to peel him off the floor and get him home.  It sucked even more because it was his first night in town and his father had managed to fuck it all up for him.  It’s all Juan has ever really been good for though, fucking things up, and I’m just glad Trace can live back in LA where he doesn’t have to deal with this shit all the time.

I hope that his dad doesn’t do anything else stupid or embarrassing while we’re here...because I feel like I’ll go off on him.  Trace doesn’t deserve it.  Not now.  Not when he’s been faced with so much.

I was hoping to spend today showing Melanie around Memphis.  We had talked about going to see some landmarks, her top pick being Graceland for whatever reason.  She said she wanted to see where “the king” used to live, and I had only been able to laugh at her.  Tarin had chimed in and said that she would definitely want to go too, when the subject came up during breakfast the other morning.  It seemed to get Trace in a great mood.  I know he was worried that she would be bored here.  I mean, it’s not LA by any means.  There aren’t a thousand places to go, and Tarin isn’t the type of girl that’s content just sitting around and enjoying her surroundings.  That’s more Mel’s speed.  She doesn’t seem to mind sitting on the couch with my parents during the evening and watching TV, and I’m glad.  I mean, the less I have to walk around without a bodyguard the better.

I’m still a little scared to be here without somebody guarding me.  I understand why Eric couldn’t be here, and I know in the long run I’ll be thankful for this, but it’s still freaking me out.  Nobody has noticed...at least, I don’t think they have, but I’ve caught myself looking over my shoulder a couple of times since I’ve been here.  When we went to breakfast the other morning, I made sure to go a longer way to the general store, just so we wouldn’t have to pass that god damn shopping center.  Luckily, Melanie and Tarin didn’t know the difference.  I’m sure if they had, they would have started asking questions, and I don’t think I would have cared explaining it to Mel...

But I’m just not ready to discuss the subject with Tarin.  I don’t think I ever will be.  Our friendship just isn’t at that level.

Yeah, Trace and I were all set to take the girls site seeing this morning, but Rachael burst into my mom’s house as the four of us were eating breakfast, and started chatting Melanie and Tarin’s ears off about going shopping and having a girl’s day out.  

“Didn’t y’all just have a girls night out?” I questioned as I popped some food into my mouth.  “Remember? I made an idiot out of myself?”

“I skipped it,” Rachael said, with a roll of her eyes.  “So it’s my turn to hang out with these wonderful ladies you two brought home with you.  We can gossip.  What’s a family reunion without it?”

I looked at Trace but he just shook his head and laughed a little as he dug into his grits.  I knew he wasn’t going to protest, because he had too much on his mind.  I looked back at Melanie and Tarin was chatting to her about finding some kind of new outfit for the wedding reception.  It automatically made me roll my eyes, because I knew Tarin had enough clothes with her.  “What about Graceland,” I whined, when Melanie seemed to be agreeing with what Tarin was saying.  “I thought you guys wanted to go.  Me and Trace were going to take you.”

“Justin, seriously,” Tarin chuckled.  “Elvis over shopping?  I mean, he’s great and all, but...they probably have a sale going on at the mall.  We can’t pass that up.”

The three women were staring at me like I was fucking ridiculous.  Even Mel, who I thought would have sided with me, seemed to think shopping was a better idea.  

“C’mon J,” Trace nudged me slightly so I was forced to look at him.  “Let ‘em go shopping.  We can do something else.”

I just shrugged.  “Whatever.”  

I was really pissed.  I hated to be because I didn’t want Melanie to get upset, but I just...I really wanted to show Melanie around and spend a day out with her.  I think I was looking forward to it more so I could feel a little bit more normal. Even though I was home, I still felt a little bit like an outsider.  I figured sightseeing would be the key to snapping out of it.  Years ago, when my friends would come home with me after a tour I used to take them around, and show them all the cool places.  I guess I wanted to revisit that, see if it made me feel complete again.

“You know what, I’ll go with you Justin,” Melanie said after a moment, probably sensing my mood.  “We can go.  I know I told you that I wanted to see everything with you.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty, Melanie,” Rachael spoke up before I could.  “Didn’t Justin tell you about the big party tomorrow night? He’ll have all day and all night to spend with you.”

I didn’t tell her, because I didn’t want to push her about something like that.  She never came out and said it, but I knew that kind of thing made her nervous, just like it made me.  I was going to ask her if she wanted to go, but since Rachael butted in I wasn’t able to.

“What party?” Melanie said, her voice soft.  “I thought there was just a rehearsal dinner, and the barbeque your mom had the other night.”

“Well, there’s a party going on at Rachael’s,” I told her.  “Joe isn’t having a stag, because he wanted everybody to hang out together.”

“That, and Fiona knew a stripper would have been involved,” Rachael chimed in.

“It’s a shame,” Trace spoke up.  “I have lots of dollar bills,” he smiled.

“Nice, Trace,” Tarin said, shooting him a dark look.

“Fuck, woman, I’m joking.”  He rolled his eyes and went back to his breakfast.

“You’re going to come aren’t you?” Rachael asked Melanie next.  “I mean, it’s the best way to meet everybody worth meeting.”r32;

Rachael had put her on the spot, and I knew Melanie was too nice to say no, but I could sense how tense she was, and how annoyed she probably was with me.  “Sure, I’ll go,” Melanie finally answered.  “I should get a new outfit I guess though, for the party.”  She stole a glance at me after that, I knew it was her way of telling me she didn’t want to come out with me that day.

“Yay! Party shopping!” Tarin clapped her hands and giggled.  

I sat back in my chair and pushed my plate of food away.  “Yeah, y’all should go, I’m sure it’ll be a good time.”

Tarin and Rachael immediately started chatting away, and when I looked at Trace he didn’t seem phased.  I knew he was just relieved that Tarin was happy, but I couldn’t say the same for Melanie.  She seemed a little lost, and I guess I should have warned her that Rachael would probably take a liking to her and want her to join in on all the festivities.  It had slipped my mind though.  I mean, when we talked about outfits in the closet I was under the assumption that Melanie understood there would be all kind of parties going on.  Maybe she just thought she wouldn’t have to partake in any of them, except for the essentials. I couldn’t blame her.  

It was my fault for not clarifying.

Tarin went to shower once she cleared her plate, and Rachael ran home to get a couple of things she needed to return.  Trace was on his second plate of food, and didn’t seem to be interested in anything else.  He was always an avid fan of my mothers cooking and she had made enough bacon, eggs, and grits that morning to feed the entire neighborhood.  That just left Melanie and me, and Melanie was flipping through a magazine as if I weren’t even there.  I felt out of place, like I should leave, but I wasn’t about to.  “Mel,” I spoke up softly.

She yawned and closed her magazine.  “I better get ready,” she said, nonchalantly, as she pushed herself away from the table.

“Mel, c’mon.”  I rushed after her and caught her just as she started to ascend the stairs.  “Mel!”

“What, Justin.”

She said it so coldly that I was forced to look at the floor.  “I just...I thought you understood about the party thing.”

“You should have prepared me a little better, but I guess you were too busy trying to feel me up.”

She was glaring at me, and I felt myself begin to return her expression, but I quickly stopped myself and hung my head low before I got myself into more trouble with her.  “Well I don’t know what the big deal is anyway.  I mean, don’t you want to meet our friends?”  I looked up at her then, and she had placed her hands on her hips, her expression angrier than before.

“I thought this was just a casual trip with a few family get togethers,” she countered.  “I mean, this party sounds like it could get a little wild.  It’s basically a stag, just...mixed or something.  I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that but your cousin doesn’t know any better.  I can’t just tell her that without her thinking I’m some kind of freak, so now I’m stuck.”

“I’ll be with you,” I said softly.  “I mean, it’s not like you’re going to be alone with all those people.”

“That’s...” she paused and sighed harshly into her hands.  “Damn it.”  

It was clearly bothering her, and I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know the route of the problem, and it definitely wasn’t the right time to get on that subject.  “I can talk to Rachael...”

“Just...just stop it,” she grunted.  “I’ll handle it.  I’m an adult.”

“But...”

She didn’t want to listen anymore.  She just stormed up the stairs, and when I heard a door slam, I knew there was nothing more I could do.  I had fucked up.  Again.

“How about some golf?”

I turned and Trace was standing in the door frame, a beer in hand, smiling at me like he knew I pissed her off.  “Beer for breakfast, Trace?”

He just shrugged.  “Come on, your dad said I could borrow his spare set of clubs.”

So I went, because I knew staying would have only meant a fight with Mel, more disaster in my life that I didn’t need.  I figured letting her go off with my cousin and Tarin would allow her to let off some steam.  I only hoped she would settle down enough to talk to me when she got back that evening. By mid afternoon, we had just finished our last hole, and Trace gave Tarin a call to see what she wanted to do for dinner.  When he got off the phone though, he seemed very amused, and I didn’t know what to think.

“They’re going downtown to some bars,” Trace sighed.  “Tarin said that we shouldn’t wait up.  Apparently they’re planning to get Melanie drunk off her ass tonight.”

I frowned.  “I don’t know how comfortable she is with that.”

“Well hell, it’s like she said, right buddy?”  He came up and threw his arm around my shoulders.  “She’s an adult.  She can handle it.  Besides, we can have some fun too.  We’ll build another fire at my place, and invite some of the guys over.  It’ll be nice and relaxing.”

He was trying his best to get my mind off of Melanie.  It was obvious he heard the fight we’d had by the stairs that morning, and it occurred to me that he was mostly on my side.  It was a first.  I mean, the whole day I’d been putzing around on the golf course, thinking I was a fucking waste of life.  Trace put it all into perspective.  I think he thought Melanie was frustrated for a stupid reason, and I wanted to completely agree, but...but I just knew there was something Melanie was dealing with that I didn’t fully understand.  

I forced myself not to dwell on it, mostly for Trace’s sake, because I knew he needed to relax and unwind even more than I did.  I wished Melanie a mental good luck, and went on with the rest of the afternoon.  I helped my mom with some stuff she wanted done around the house, and we watched Hollywood Squares with Nana.  I was half expecting Poppa to barge in and demand I sit down and talk to him, but he never did.  I wasn’t sure what he was waiting for.  I mean, today would have been the best time to get me alone with him, but he was out in the garage all day working on some kind of bird house that Nana had been bugging him to make.

I was fine with that.

Trace pulled the party together on his own while I hung out with my mom, and called me about a half hour ago so I could make my way over.  I’m pretty excited.  Some of the guys I grew up with are coming by, and it will be nice to spend some time with them.  Despite the fact that they have no clue the hell I’ve been through over the past year, I know they won’t let their curiosity get the best of them.  They just want to catch up, hang out like we always have, and I know that I won’t be able to have another opportunity like this for a long time.  So I’m putting Mel out of mind, putting it all out of mind, so I can focus on having a good time.

I make my way over to Trace’s, and once I walk in the door, I already know that my timing is off.  I can hear Momma B yelling, and Trace yelling right back.  It sucks.  Tonight isn’t the night for drama, but she isn’t going to let Trace have an inch because she’s still pissed at him.

“You just don’t get it, mom!” I hear him yell, and I try my best to be silent as I draw nearer to the kitchen where they are having their dispute.  “I love her, all right! That’s it!”

“You don’t know the first thing about love, Trace!” His mom hollers.  

“Oh, and you do?” He scoffs.  “You and dad, the fucking couple of the year right?  I think I’ve learned what not to do in a relationship, and what love actually means, mom.  I’ve lived in a shitty household and seen the worst relationship in the history of man kind go on before my eyes since I was a little kid.  I’m not about to follow that example with my own family, and I don’t give a shit if you hate Tarin.  I really don’t, because I know how I feel and that’s all that matters.”

Silence.

I suck in a breath, and step into the kitchen now.  His mom is sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands, while Trace stands in front of her, his hands on his hips, expression stern.  “Um, hey...” I begin, gently.  “Bad time?”

Belinda’s head snaps up and Trace turns around.  

“Hey, J, no...I was just waiting on you.”  Trace forces a smile and makes his way over to me.  

“Hey Momma B.” I say gently as Trace walks past me out of the kitchen.

“Hi, Justin.”

But she doesn’t look at me, and I can see that all the color and energy have drained from her face.

“Maybe you should go back in there,” I tell Trace once we make our way outside.  “I think she’s pretty upset.”

He pours some kerosene on the pile of logs in the center of the yard.  “Don’t care,” he mutters.  “She can figure it out herself.”

“But...”

“Justin, how much clearer can I be?” He snaps as he throws the empty can into the pile.  “I mean, fuck, I can’t deal with her shit.  Not tonight.”

I just nod, and don’t say anything else.  Then he lights a few matches, and throws them on the logs, and I’m certain that he’s done discussing his mother’s issues with me.  Soon, a fire grows, and people start pouring into the back yard, half of them immediately making their way over to us to say hello.  I find myself getting lost in conversation with my friends Nick and James, who I haven’t seen in almost a year.  Trace joins in as well, and I seem to forget about Momma B, along with everything else that was making me nervous and uneasy.  We have some beers, sit down at one of the little tables set up near the back porch, and soon I seem to be laughing a lot more than I have all day.  It all seems so carefree.

Too carefree.

Nick and James get distracted by some other people at the party, and that gives Trace and I the time to go make a couple of s’mores for ourselves by the fire.  It’s so childish, but it’s something that I would always look forward to doing as a kid, and I can’t deny that I feel the same way about it now.  It reminds me of lazy summer nights camping out in the backyard with Trace.  It was a more carefree time, and I’m so busy licking the sticky marshmallow off my fingers and losing myself in the memory, that I barely notice the two people making their way over to us, until Trace forces me to pay attention.

“Shit,” he mutters.  “Incoming.”

I look up and it’s like...fucking unreal.  There’s Kerrigan walking up to me with Brittany at her side.  I turn around quickly, try to make myself invisible, even though I know it won’t work.  Damn it, what the hell is she doing here tonight? What made her come? I’m totally unprepared to see her, once again, and I’d blame Brittany but at the same time I know she has no clue what went down between us.  It’s just coincidence that they decided to join the party.  Yeah, coincidence, and if I had just used my head a little bit better, Melanie and I would probably be sitting on my mom’s back porch, reminiscing about Graceland and enjoying the evening together.  But she’s pissed, partying it up with Rachael and Tarin, and that leaves me stuck here with Kerri.

I want to run far, far away.

“Hey, guys,” Brittany smiles and accepts the s’more her brother hands her.  “Is this everyone? Where’s Tarin and...”

“Downtown,” Trace says quickly, before Brittany can finish.  “Justin and I decided to have a party of our own tonight. The keg is back by the shed.”

My eyes shift over to Trace, and I give him a thankful look.  If Brittany had mentioned Melanie right now, I have no idea what Kerri would do.  I mean, I have no clue if she’s figured out that I’m with someone new or not, but I know her all too well, and if she did, I doubt she’d be so calm right now.

She’s clueless.

And that’s dangerous.

Brittany rubs her hands together and gets an excited gleam in her eyes.  “I’ll be back.”

Trace goes with her, leaving me alone with Kerri.  I could kill him.  I think I just might.

“Hi.”

I take a bite of my new s’more, and chew it longer than needed, before swallowing and answering her.  “Hey, Kerri.”

She runs a hand through her hair, before plastering a large smile on her face.  “How’ve you been?”

It’s horrible, but for some reason I’m so damn disgusted by her right now.  It’s like, things haven’t been awkward enough.  The radio station was so fucking weird for us, and now she’s here, acting like she’s my best friend.  “All right,” I croak.

She stands there, like she’s waiting for me to say something else to her, and I’m so thankful when Nick comes back over and starts talking to me.  I don’t even care what the subject is, I make sure to become fully immersed in it.  I’m hoping that Kerri gets the hint, that I need her to go away right now, but she doesn’t.  She’s grabbed a beer and continues to stand next to me while Nick talks about the classic car he’s rebuilding.  I don’t get it.  Shouldn’t she be uneasy? Nervous?  Scared of me because of what I did? I want to ask her why she’s not.  Why she’s smiling.  Why she seems so perfectly fucking content right now, while I’ve become a nervous wreck in the matter of minutes.

Nick’s girlfriend joins our conversation after a while, and I try to make casual small talk with her, even though I’ve never met her before.  She’s nice enough, but more interested in talking to Nick about whatever is going on in their relationship.  I take the hint and break away from them, hoping like hell that Kerri decides to go off on her own as I try to find Trace again.

“So...” Her voice comes from behind me seconds later.  She sounds out of breath, like she’s racing to catch up with me, and it makes me slow down my steps.  I know...I know she can’t walk as fast as before...

“So.” I say, once she catches up to me.  I can feel the impatience threatening to make itself known on my face, and I’m trying to hold it back for her emotion’s sake.  I can’t have her breaking down here, tonight, in front of all these people.  They can’t find out what happened.  Nobody else can.

“My dad said you called looking for me,” she says with a gentle smile.  

“Oh...”  Fuck, of course.  Why wouldn’t he have told her that?  That was before the radio station though, when I had no idea where she was.  Then...then I saw her at the station.  I saw her and I told her I still loved her.

And now she’s here, right in front of me, with that same thought in her warped fuckin’ brain.

What do I do?

“Well I was just checking up on you,” I say quickly.  “I mean...that was before...I saw you at KISS.  I didn’t know where you were.”

She shrugs a little, and moves closer to me.  “I went to get help for myself,” she whispers.  

I look her right in the eyes, and she stares back into mine, waiting for me to say something.  “Is it working?”

“Yeah.  It’s great.”

But she isn’t looking at me anymore, and her smile has vanished.

“Hey, Kerri!”  

I look over my shoulder, and feel myself let out a large breath when I see Trace coming over to us.  I hear Kerri mumble some incomprehensible obscenity under her breath next, and I’m sure she’s irritated that Trace has interrupted us.  I’m not though.  I’m grateful.  I need to get away from her soon, because I can feel it.  She’s fucking me up, sucking the joy and happiness right out of me.  So much is rushing back to me...blurred visions of that night...I can hear her screaming, pleading with me to stop hitting her...

“What’s going on?” Kerri asks him, as I continue to stare into space.

“C’mere I need to ask you something.”

“But...”

He yanks her away, and I can hear her protesting all the way across his yard.  It would be funny if I wasn’t such a wreck.  The fact that she’s obviously still in love with me would probably give me a bigger ego too, if I didn’t feel so fucking guilty.  The worst thing?  This is only the beginning.  I mean, what’s going to happen at the wedding, when she sees me and Mel together? I’m sure as hell not going to put on some fake act, like she’s not my girlfriend.  Melanie would never forgive me, and Kerri isn’t important enough to throw my relationship away for.  No, I’m going to have to suck it up, take her reaction in stride, and pray to God that she doesn’t do anything too extreme.  Although, if she did snap, and end up telling my entire family what went down between us, I would know I deserved it.  I mean, if you think about it, it’s real fucked up what I did.  Unforgivable.  The sickest thing about it is, I’m back on top and Kerri is basically scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to being a part of society.  It’s not fair to her, and it’s not her fault.  I think back on it all, the kidnapping, what she had to go through, how she had to watch me completely fucking break down in front of her after Shane was dead.  She held her head high for me then.  She wanted to be the strong one...for me.  Then...she sacrificed her recovery so I could be happy, and I wish like hell I could do something to make her life just...better, like mine.  But I don’t know what to do.  I gotta think about it, and if she gives me a fucking moments peace maybe I’ll be able to come up with an idea.

I gotta make this up to her, somehow.

Not tonight though, or hell, even this week.

Kerri is still gone with Trace by the time Nick comes back for me, and he enthusiastically  pulls me over to a table that’s been set for beer pong.  I tell him I’m not really in the mood to play, and he seems fine with that.  I chat with a few people as I watch the others play, and soon, I start to forget about seeing Kerri.  I start to slip away into a small patch of happiness as I catch up with my friends.

“Sorry.  Trace is so longwinded.  I couldn’t get him to shut up.”

My smile fades when I realize she’s come back, and I turn my head to look at her.  She’s handing me a beer, which I gratefully accept, and I begin to drink it automatically so I’ll have an excuse not to talk to her.

“I was hoping we could go someplace and talk,” she says immediately.

I wipe the foam off my upper lip before looking back at her.  She’s staring at me hopefully, like I’m about to drop my life and go off with her someplace.  She’s so fucking wrong though.  Hell, I don’t want to go anyplace alone with her.  Who knows what she’ll try to pull?  “I’m sort of trying to catch up with everyone,” I say softly.  

She shrugs.  “It won’t take long.”

“Maybe not, but I can’t do it tonight.”

My tone is blunt and harsh because I’m annoyed that she won’t leave me the hell alone.  God, it sucks.  I still feel that love for her.  The love I’ve always had for her...that closer than friendship but not quite love feel.  I want to grab her and hug her and tell her I’m so fucking sorry, but I know it just won’t work out.  It’s what she wants.  She wants to trap me and I won’t be.  I won’t let her.

“So this shit is more important than me? Beer pong and a keg?”

She’s glaring at me.  I see a flash of that strong determined girl standing before me, before she fades back into the mess that Kerri has become.  Her bottom lip is quivering, and I guess if I were in her place I would be able to understand why she doesn’t have anybody else.  I mean, I’m sure Trace has had enough.  He’s got enough shit to worry about.  So if she doesn’t have Trace and she doesn’t have me who does she have?  

Nobody.  At least, I’m pretty sure.

“Look.”  I move in closer to her, but don’t touch her.  I’m just not ready to do that again right now.  “We’ll talk.  We will.  I just...I’m trying to relax.  You should too.”

Kerri rolls her eyes.  “Whatever, Justin.”

She storms away from me, and when I look up, I see her practically knock Trace over in an attempt to leave the party.  He sort of stares at me for a moment, before laughing a little and shaking his head.  He doesn’t mention her or the situation to me the rest of the time the beer pong is going on.  It’s only when everybody gets tired, says their goodbyes, and leaves us alone in the yard together that he’s able to get his true feelings out in the open.

“You have fun?”  He pours some water over the fire, and I sit down on an overturned crate as I watch the flames begin to die down.

“Yeah.  It was nice seeing the guys.  I think they had a good time too.”

“Nick told me that he thought you looked a lot better.”  He finds another crate and slides it over to where I’ve been sitting so he can position himself next to me.  “So I guess that’s something,” he chuckles.

I just shrug.  Of course Nick would say that.  He hasn’t seen me since I was last home, right after it happened.  I was all banged up, a big fuckin’ mess.  Anybody would have said what he did, but I guess to Trace...hearing that is making him feel more comfortable, and he wants me to feel that way again too.  “It was good seeing everybody,” I finally say.  “It felt nice.”

He nods a little.  “Does that include Kerri too?”

I just sigh a little and rub a hand over my face.  “I dunno.”

“I saw you guys talking...”

“It was nothing,” I say sharply.

“Maybe not to you,” he says bitterly.  “Believe me, she felt a hell of a lot differently.  Why do you think I dragged her away? I was trying to get her away from you.”

“I appreciate the effort,” I chuckle sadly.

It’s quiet for a moment.  I can hear the crickets chirping, and I notice that the lightening bugs have started to come out in full force.  It’s nice to watch them...makes me forget about everything else on my mind.  I think I’d sit out here all night and just watch them if it meant I didn’t have to think about Kerri anymore.

But that’s not possible.

“You know she’s gonna find out about Mel sooner than later,” Trace points out.  “It’s inevitable.  I’m surprised they haven’t ran into each other yet.”

“You think I haven’t thought about that?” I scoff.  “Fuck, let her find out, Trace.  I don’t care anymore.  I mean, she wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone all night.  It’s like she thinks I’m still hers or something.  Psycho.”

Trace cocks his head to the side.  “Shit,” he chuckles.  “Am I hearing you right?”

“God, Trace,” I groan.  “I know...I know I sound like a fucking asshole right now.  I’ll always love her.  I will always have a soft spot for her no matter what, because of everything that’s gone on with us, and I know I have a lot of things I need to fix when it comes to her.  But damn it, she’s gotta get over me.  She has to.  I mean...you’d think...you’d think after what I did...”  I trail off though.  I can’t bear to say anymore, because I can feel myself getting really upset as I put my head in my hands.  

“You know my opinion,” Trace tells me.  “I warned you what could happen, Justin.”

“I worry about her, every fucking day,” I blurt out and look him in the eye so he’ll know I mean it.  It’s weird.  Even though Trace and I have argued...screamed at each other and physically fought over what happened to Kerri, this is the first time we’re having a logical conversation about her.  I’m a little proud that I can talk about her like this now, without being so damn afraid.  I mean, it still hurts, but it’s easier than it’s been.  Maybe that’s because I know where Kerri is at this stage in her life, and I know I’m in a better place.  “And tonight, I just...I saw what she’s turned into.  She’s always been clingy with me, you know? But I never thought she’d be as bad as she was with me tonight.  She was just...out of control.  What the hell happened to her, Trace? That’s not Kerri...that’s not the girl I know.”

He sighs deeply, and stares out into the yard, studying the glowing bugs floating through the air, before speaking again.  “She’s always been in love with you like a fucking little kid, and I guess it just never left her.  I mean, she’s with this guy back home...Cooper something.  He’s in love with her...I saw it, it’s deep, and she doesn’t give a shit about him.”

I stare at him for a moment, because the realization has hit me dead on like a ton of bricks.  “That guy from the party?”

“Crazy, right?” He snickers.  “He’s a decent guy, once you get to know him.”

I feel the chills running up and down my spine as I remember that night, what I did to Siobhan, and what happened afterward.  The fact that Kerri is now in some kind of relationship with that guy puts a sour taste in my mouth.  I didn’t like him the second I laid eyes on him, and it’s so weird...but I would almost rather that Kerri didn’t associate herself with that guy.  I just dont’ like him at all.  But then again, I don’t like most men that I’ve never gotten to know these days.  It’s really none of my concern.  Trace seems to like him so that means he’s treating Kerri well.  I should go with it, encourage it, but I want so little to do with the situation at the same time.

“Something needs to happen to set Kerri straight,” Trace continues when I don’t say anything.  “I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but I have a feeling that once she sees you and Melanie together, things are going to change drastically.”

“I hope so,” I whisper.  “Because I love Melanie.  I do, and I won’t let anything stand in our way.  I won’t let Kerri come and fuck it all up.”

Trace looks at me and smiles slyly after a moment.  Neither of us say anything for a while, and then I feel my own smile creep back onto my face.  Hell, I didn’t even realize I’d blurted that out so loudly, but it’s the truth.  I’m dead set on being with Melanie for...for as long as we’re supposed to be together.  I’d say forever but...it’s just too early to say that I guess.  r32;r32;“Well, shit,” Trace laughs.

I nudge him and roll my eyes.  “Yeah, like we haven’t made it obvious.  I’m just hoping that Kerri doesn’t come and do some crazy shit to scare her off.”

“Yeah right,” Trace smiles.  “Mel can’t be scared away that easily.  That’s one of the reasons I like her so much.”

“I’m going to have a hard time taking her back to LA with us,” I laugh.  “It’s only been a few days and I think my Nana already has baby names picked out.”

Trace sighs.  “Hey, she may have, but at least you don’t have to take that shit seriously right now.  My mom is ready to burn Tarin and I at the stake, together.”

I laugh a little bit, and I know that Trace sort of has a point.  I don’t have to worry about anything too serious at the moment.  My family accepts Melanie as she’s been presented, and they like her.  I can’t say that Trace is having as easy of a time because he’s not.  Sure, my mom is nice to Tarin and so is my dad, but I know how they feel.  They barely know her, and I know they think Trace has acted irresponsibly.  “Your mom, God love her, has always been a little high strung,” I tell him.

“Yeah, the night I told her, she said that it’s Tarin’s fault for not using the pill.”  He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.  “Classy right?”

“Fuck,” I snicker.  “You should have told her that it takes two to tango or something.”

“Maybe I would have, if she would have let me get a word in,” he huffs.  “All she wanted to do was degrade me about it, and she’s still doing it now.”

“Well my mom is supposed to talk to her,” I point out.  “I’m sure she’ll ease up then.”

“I doubt it,” he laughs sadly.  “She’s too fuckin stubborn, even if your mom is her best friend.”

“Then fuck it.  I mean, you’re going to have the kids regardless, Trace.  Believe me, when they’re born, she’ll come around.  She’ll have to.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let her start coming around.  I mean, would you?  It’s fucked up how she’s treating Tarin.  Yeah, okay...I know it’s a lot to take in but she shouldn’t be this broken up about it.  She’s going to be a grandmother, and Tarin...she’s a great girl.  I don’t see the problem.”

I shrug a little.  “Maybe she just thinks she’s losing you, you know?  I mean, Brittany is living at UCLA and your brother is going away to school in the fall.  She’s going to be here, alone, with your dad because you’ll be busy with Tarin and the kids.  That probably scares her.”

“I was engaged before,” he says.  “She was okay with that.”

“Not at first, Trace,” I remind him.  “Remember how psycho she went when you first brought Elisha back here?  Remember how hard we all had to work to show her that Elisha was a good match for you?”

“Guess I wasted your time,” he says sadly.

It’s quiet for awhile.  My mind drifts back to a time when Trace was with Elisha.  They were happy, they had fun, and then...Shane came along.  To this day I still don’t know what really drove them apart.  Was it the kidnapping? Was it the fact that I was so desperate for Trace’s guidance? Or was it something else?  “You didn’t,” I tell him after a while.  “Life just...got all fucked up, that’s all.”

He nods.  “You know, even when I proposed to her...I kept second guessing myself.  It probably wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place, and I think I might have started to fall out of love with her even before everything happened.  I really...I really think from the very beginning it was always supposed to be me and Tarin, things just got a little delayed.”

He’s probably right, and part of me always thought he was with Elisha for convenience.  Because she was in the business and so was he, and it was easier for them to see each other.  I put a lot of blame on myself, feel like I took a big part of his life away from him. But I know...I mean, Trace would never trade the years we spent traveling the world together for anything.  We were a team.

And now, we’re a team once more.

He starts to say something else, but his phone rings, and he focuses on answering it instead.  He greets Tarin with a warm hello, like he’s missed her, and I just...know.  Trace is going to marry her.  I don’t know when, but I know it will happen.

I hope that one day, I can be normal like him again, be able to have a normal relationship with my girlfriend to the point that we decide to get married, and I pray to god that the woman I end up with is Melanie.

It would help a hell of a lot if she wasn’t completely pissed off at me right now, though.

“I can’t believe y’all got lost while Rachael is with you,” he laughs into the phone and eyes me playfully.  “Just stay there.  I know where you are.  We’ll be there in a few.”  

He hangs up and I eye him strangely.  “What’s going on?”

“They decided to go exploring some back roads.  Apparently Melanie was too smart to let them get her drunk and refused to let them take her downtown.  So now they’re lost on the Grizzly Adams scenic trails,” he chuckles as he says it and rises to his feet.  “You wanna go on a rescue mission?”

I smirk a little bit.  I love how intimidating my woman can be.  She wouldn’t allow them to push her around.  She put her foot down in front of them, just like she does with me.  I find myself wanting to make up with her so bad that I jump to my feet and nod at him harshly.  “Yeah, let’s go.”

As I head to the car with him, I  realize It’s the most normal I’ve felt since I landed here in Tennessee.

And it’s a great way to feel, especially after spending most of my evening with Kerri hot on my heels.

We drive the fifteen minutes it takes to get to Grizzly Adams park, and follow the scenic car trail for a long time, the music blasting as we laugh together about how they could have possibly gotten lost with a Tennessee native along for the ride.   Trace knows these roads well, even better than I do, and when we pull off onto one of the more woodsy trails, I can see why even somebody who has lived here their entire life would be intimidated by it.  It’s hard to see.  There’s too much brush.  I even start to get a little bit worried that we might not find them.  I think about Mel, that she’d be afraid, and I don’t want her to be.

So when I see the car headlights in the distance, I feel my body let out a huge breath of relief.

“How the hell did y’all manage to get lost?” Trace laughs as we both get out of the car.  “Nice navigation skills, Rachael.”

Rachael is sitting Indian style on the ground, giggling and hiccuping to herself, and I realize exactly what the problem is.