Bonnie left for home yesterday. She spent the morning telling me her plans for winter break and asking me about mine. I did my best to smile and bullshit my way through it. I couldn’t tell her about Justin, about those plans, because she would have crucified me for forcing the poor guy to give up his holiday. The more I think about it, the worse I feel. Who am I to force somebody to give up their Christmas? It’s not exactly fair, and it makes me a horrible person. I was blindsided by my eagerness to please my father and get my wretched step family to lay off of me. Using Justin was the easy way out. He couldn’t say no to me, unless he wanted to fail, and playing basketball is so important to him that he’d live at my family’s house for a month if it meant he would get into the draft come spring.
I could see it in his eyes, how much basketball really meant to him. I could tell it was his whole life, just like schoolwork is mine, and a tiny part of me started to respect him. I hated it, and I also hated that when he smiled my heartbeat intensified and my stomach flip flopped like it used to on Christmas morning when mom was alive. I’ve never been one for the pretty boys, but he’s got me curious, making me think about what his bare skin would feel like underneath my fingertips.
It’s not fair, because I’m not meant for someone like him. He had a point when he said we’re completely different people, and it’s taken me all week to let his words sink in. He’s right. My family probably won’t buy it, no matter how charming he is when they meet.
I could end up being the laughing stock of Christmas anyway, but I have to try.
If I didn’t think this was my only answer, I’d call up his dorm and tell him not to bother. The thing is…Jeanine called me yesterday. She actually picked up the phone and called me on her own.
She’s never done that before.
“Eleanor,” she said, and I cringed because I hate when she calls me that. Only my mother was allowed to do that. “Your father told me that you’re bringing someone home to meet the family. I think that’s wonderful. We’ve set up a guest room for him, and made a place at the main table next to you at the dinner gala. We’re so excited. Maybe this will be a fresh start for us.”
She said the words like she would have in one of her movies, scripted and perfectly heartfelt. She’s a really great actress, I’ll give her that. All those Academy Award nominations aren’t for nothing. I just wish she didn’t have to act when it comes to me. She’s been doing it my whole life, since the day my father brought her home to meet Adam and I. One heartfelt smile and speech about how we were all going to be one big family and that was it, my father replaced my mother and nothing was ever the same. While my brother put as much effort as he could into bonding with her, I did nothing of the sort. I refused, because it hadn’t even been a year since mom died. My father barely grieved. He got together with Jeanine three months after the funeral, but wouldn’t admit it to us.
I’ve never accepted them. I never will.
“Yeah well…it’s just Christmas, Jeanine.”
“I really wish, just for once, you would give me a chance to get to know you, Eleanor.”
“It’s too late for that.”
She was silent, and then I hung up. It’s why my father dislikes me so much, why my step siblings can’t stand me…because I don’t accept her.
But I don’t care.
I left her out of the bio I typed up for Justin. Thinking back on it now, I know I should have included that information so he’ll be prepared. I just hate talking about who my father is married to. I don’t think it should matter, don’t think that she should be given special treatment just because she makes movies. People view me differently when I tell them about her. They think I can get them autographs, or tickets to the Oscars. There’s nothing worse.
Justin will have to find out on his own. I’ll just look the other way. Besides, I’m sure she’ll love him right away. He’s like her, privileged and pampered. People love him like they love her. It’ll be a match made in heaven. A distraction from me, perhaps, and isn’t that the whole reason I’m doing this?
I’m so nervous. I dry heaved for about twenty minutes after Bonnie left me alone in our dorm. Then I cried.
Oh God. I don’t want to go home.
A soft knocking comes at the door, and for a few moments I can’t make myself answer it. I know it’s Justin with his bags packed, ready to head home with me.
I want to just…hide, wait out the holidays in my closet.
“I know you’re in there Ellie.”
I’m frozen. I keep picturing him behind the door, clad in jeans and one of those plaid button down shirts I’ve seen him wearing in class.
I must stare at him more than I thought.
This has to be bad.
Bang Bang “Ellie! Stop messing around!”
I make my legs move. Left, right, left, right, and then I’m at the door. I open it with a trembling hand. He’s standing there, arms crossed, his eyes narrowed and angry just like mine were that day we had our meeting. “Hey.”
“Are you ready? Jesus, I thought you stood me up.” He pushes past me, dragging his wheeled suitcase behind him. He carries a bulky duffle bag over his shoulder too, and throws it down on Bonnie’s bed. “I would have hunted you down. I’m missing a lot to do this, I hope you know.”
“I wouldn’t have stood you up.” I say it seriously, and zip the suitcase lying on my bed closed. “Actually, I’m surprised you showed.”
“I told you, I don’t have a choice.”
My throat feels so tight when I turn to face him again. It’s as I pictured in my mind, him in his plaid button down, white tee peeking out from underneath, jeans and brand new black and white Nike Air Jordan’s. I normally don’t care about brands, but they’re all Max wears. “Right…yeah.” I haul my suitcase off the bed. “Well…the car should be here in a few minutes. We should go wait outside.” I turn away from him and walk to the door.
“I have a question first.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t like the tone in his voice. Not at all. “What?”
“I read your bio forwards and backwards, and I have the key shit memorized, but…you left something out. Why didn’t you tell me who your father is married to?”
I turn, bewildered. “How…”
“Everybody on campus knows apparently, except for me, and that’s only because I’m new here. Now, pardon me for being a jerk, but I have to tell you…I can’t have this lady messing with my career if she finds out the real reason that…”
“It won’t happen,” I cut him off. “Just relax.”
“Relax!” He yells. “It’s not the rest of your life on the line, Ellie! It’s mine!”
I roll my eyes. “Look, if I thought it would be an issue I wouldn’t have asked you to do this. If anything she’ll love you. You’re exactly the type of person she associates herself with, and my family will love you too. You’ll distract them…that’s why I want you to come.”
“Distract them?” He laughs. “Why the hell are you even going home if you hate these people so much?”
“That’s my business. You don’t need to know everything.”
He laughs at me. “You know, you told me an awful lot in your stupid biography about how you’re an honor student, how you’ve won all these awards and shit, but you barely mentioned your family. I felt like I was reading a history book. I…I don’t really know you, Ellie…”
“You know enough,” I grunt. “And your bio wasn’t all that informative either. Your dad raised you on his own, which is kind of unique I guess, and then you talk about how he pushed you to become this champion basketball player. All I kept reading was ‘oh I’m an all star…Oh i trained with this person and that person, blah blah’…If I wanted to read Sports Illustrated I would have bought it at the book store!”
“Oh yeah? Well you have the personality of concrete! You’re just…dried up and boring. Good luck getting your family to respect you because I sure as hell don’t.”
His words sting and I feel my back hit the wall a moment later. Did he talk to Max? Did Max tell him what a loser I am? How pathetic I am? No…he couldn’t have. Max wouldn’t waste his time on this campus. He’s too busy tending to himself.
That means it’s a coincidence that those words came out of Justin’s mouth.
And that means Max must be right about me.
“You’re lucky I’m so desperate, that’s all I’m saying. Let’s just go okay? How long does it take to get to your parents? I wanted to get some court time in this afternoon if I can. You weren’t lying about there being one at the house I hope?”
I don’t answer him. I grab my suitcase and my small carry on size bag and storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me.
I wipe the tears off my face as I walk down the hall, knowing I could care less if he follows me now.
There’s no point. It’s me. I’m the problem. That’s the way it’ll always be.
Merry Christmas, Ellie.
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