I was a fool to ever let you down
I want you to stay

I was the obedient and reliable one, out of my two older sisters. Camille was the oldest and rebellious type, having pretty much defied all of my parent’s expectations to become a singer. She’d been touring the country for the past year with her rocker husband. They seemed happy, and I was happy for them. My second oldest sister, Yolanda, had tried to make up for Camille and gotten married young, only to discover that she was a lesbian. She and her girlfriend were going on 3 years, much to the shock and disgust of my parents. So, it was no wonder that, when I came along, my parents had pretty high hopes for me. I had lived up to all of their image of the perfect daughter and had become the only person in the family to join the medical profession. The icing on the cake for them was a marriage to a wealthy, successful, young tycoon.

Enter Evan Phelps.

I couldn’t say I was in love with Evan, far from it but he was around when I needed him. He was a reliable guy (as I was the reliable girl), albeit, vapid and self absorbed at times. Being that we were two reliable people, it only seemed right that we’d end up together.

My parents were happy (more like ecstatic), my sisters weren’t feeling the pressure now that all attention was focused on my wedding and I was fairly content with the direction my life was headed. Everyone seemed gung-ho about the whole thing. Nothing could have gone wrong, and then you derailed everything.

On the day of my dress fitting, you and I’d had a deep conversation about where we saw ourselves in the next year or two. I did most of the talking, as I could tell you didn’t want to discuss life without your mom. We both knew that she wouldn’t last longer than a few weeks at that point.

“I’d love to have kids in the next few years,” I said as I escorted you to the cafeteria.

You nodded and grinned. “Names?”

“I’m not sure what I’d name them.”

“What do you mean?” You gave me the craziest look, as if you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “Every woman, since the beginning of time, has thought about how many kids they’d have, what they’d be named, and what their profession would be. Who are you, and why haven’t you thought this through?”

I rolled my eyes. “Excuse me for breaking the mold.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” you chuckled. “It’s just a little odd that you say you want kids but haven’t really thought about what kind of people you’d want them to be.”

I honestly didn’t have a response for that. I had wanted kids but I hadn’t considered who their father would be because I just didn’t see myself with Evan long term. I could openly admit that I was marrying him out of obligation to my parents. It made my family happy and up until a few weeks ago, I was alright with that—even if for a year or two of marriage.

I was the reliable daughter, remember?

“Well, Mister Know-It-All, what kind of people do you think my kids would be?” I asked, half expecting you to wave the question away but intrigued by the potential answer.

“If you had children, I think they’d be strong-willed and stubborn, just like you.”

I stopped and glared at you, seemingly unamused by your assessment. “Hey! That’s not—”

“Wait, I’m not finished.” You held up a hand. “They’d also be extremely kind and well-mannered because I know you wouldn’t stand for disrespect. They’d be passionate about whatever career field they went into because you’d demand nothing but the best. However, you’d tell them that they should follow their hearts and do something they loved, even though you’d probably drop hints about medical or nursing school at every turn. And, of course they’d be the most beautiful children on the face of the earth. So, you’d have to have only boys. You’d just have too much trouble reigning in a daughter who looked anything like you.”

I blinked as you spoke idly and continued to go about grabbing a tray and filling it with assorted foods. I stood completely dumbfounded. How someone I’d barely known could see so vividly, children who didn’t yet exist, both shocked and thrilled me. The image of two boys with honey-toned curls, caramel skin and intense blue eyes like yours had my heart rate accelerating.

After my shift, I headed straight for the dress shop but our conversation was the only thing on whichi my mind could focus. I was simply going through the motions as I tried on one dress after another. I'd brought my mother and sisters with me, even though they’re opinions of style all greatly differed. Being fussed over had always annoyed me, even as a child. I was a simple woman who enjoyed the simple things in life. Though, I could afford the finer things, I opted for modesty.

“My, don’t you look a sight.” Grace, my mother, sighed and smoothed out my train. She squeezed my shoulders and stood behind, watching our reflections in the full-length mirror.

“Noel, you’re looking good girl,” Camille nodded.

Yolanda smiled and agreed. “Bride suits you for sure.”

I smoothed my hands over the front and took in my reflection.

It did suit me.

But I had an ache in my gut and it only seemed to get worse as the weeks wore on, as my wedding day came closer and as we became closer. I shouldn’t have let myself become so invested in Lynn’s case, or in your feelings. I knew I’d let myself care about you; fall in love with you even. But I never truly saw you in Evan’s place until the day of my wedding.

I watched you sleep so peacefully, with the sunlight filtering in through my large adjacent window. A golden halo was cast over your sleeping form and the lovely upward curve of your lips in sleep brought tears to my eyes. You looked completely content and I knew that expression could only have come from the night we’d spent together. It made me sick to my stomach to have to wake you from your dreams, but reality was calling and I had a wedding to attend.

“Justin?” I called your name softly, to help stir you.

You mumbled incoherently and reached for me, but I moved from your grasp. Your eyes opened involuntarily when you realized I was not laying next to you.

Your beautiful blue orbs were clouded with sleep and confusion as you tried to focus on me standing above you. Your slow grin was one of the sexiest things I’d ever seen and I hated myself for having to wipe it clean off your face with my next words.

“Justin, you have to go.”

You blinked once, twice and a third time before my words sunk in. You sat up slowly, with your piercing gaze fixed solely on me.

“What?” You voice was husky with sleep but full of hurt.

I closed my eyes to gain composure. I needed every ounce of strength within me to do what I was about to do.

“I…I’m getting married today.”

You snorted, but nothing about this situation was humorous. Your expression wasn’t one of amusement. In fact, you looked ready to put a hole right through the wall. I’d never been afraid of you but at that moment, fear crept up my spine.

“You’re kidding. You’re not getting married today.” You shook your head and threw your legs over the side of the mattress.

I took a step back to put distance between us. I had to do this for you. I wasn’t good enough for you, no matter what anyone else thought. I was a selfish woman who’d played with your emotions, knowing full well who I’d eventually choose. I was going to hell for this.

“Yes—”

“No, you’re not.” Your voice rose and I took another step back. I sucked in a breath to retain some sense of self. I tried to muster up the cold civility years of being raised in boarding schools, and etiquette classes had afforded me. I could put on a chilly demeanor if it meant I could spare you another moment of pain.

What a conundrum; I had to hurt you to keep you from getting hurt.

“Justin—”

“Noel, cut the bullshit. You don’t have to pretend with me. You don’t have to hide behind your sense of duty to your family.”

My head whipped back, as if you’d physically slapped me. “I’m not hiding behind anything. I’m getting married today and what happened last night was…it was…”

I lost my voice when you stood from the bed, discarding of the sheet that covered your body. You stalked toward me, like a hunter in pursuit of its prey. The closed door hit my back, caging me between its hard confines and the heat of your body.

“Don’t you dare tell me what happened last night was a mistake.” You said lowly and searched my eyes. “I swear Noel, if you even allude to that, I’m going to that church and announcing to everyone what happened between us.”

My eyes widened. “You’re threatening me? Is this some kind of ultimatum? Be with you or you’ll ruin my life?”

“You’re life is with me!” You shouted and I jerked. “Damn it, Noel. You’re life is with me.”

All I could do was close my eyes and shake my head.

“Why can’t you see that? Stop thinking of your mother’s happiness. Stop thinking of what your father’s share holders will think. Stop thinking of what Evan will say about you to your parent’s country club members. Think of you. What do you want?”

“I want…” You secured my chin between your thumb and forefinger when my eyes darted away. I focused on my rumpled bed, where we’d made love moments before. I focused on the mirror that now held the reflection of your lean backside.

I took a deep breath and focused on a spot on the wall over your shoulder, a blank, empty spot that held no emotional tie to us. That was the only way I could break both our hearts and stay standing.

“I-I want…you to go.” The words rushed out quickly, in one jumbled mess of incoherency that even I barely understood. I continued to avert my eyes until I felt you step away.

I watched you move silently over the bed, picking up your discarded shirt and shimming angrily into your jeans. I wanted to go to you then. I wanted to retract what I’d said and smooth things over but when I moved toward you, you held up a hand.

“Don’t.” Your voice was rough with emotion. I’d heard the same tone the day of your mother’s funeral.

“Justin, just let me—” I followed you out of the bedroom and tried to stay in step behind you before you reached the front door.

“You’ve done enough.” You deadpanned and never slowed your pace.

When you stopped to open the front door, I laid a hand on your shoulder. “But if you let me explain—”

My words were cut off by a resounding kick to my closed door. I didn’t jump this time because I’d been expecting you to do something of the sort.

“I don’t need you to explain a damn thing!” You whipped around to face me. “You’re marrying some pompous ass prick because your parents approve and it’ll make daddy dearest the envy of Wall Street. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Do you understand that once I walk out that door, I’m not coming back? I love you, Noel. I’m in love with you and I know you love me too. But you’re willing to pass up something great to appease some Brady Bunch fantasy in your head of bringing everyone together by marrying a man you don’t love? It’s a weak move, Noel. You’re better than this.”

“I’m not weak,” I said meekly but knew you were right.

“Prove it.”

I stood awkwardly, unmoved, tracing patterns in your chest with my eyes. As I began to open my mouth to speak, you covered your lips with mine. The move was slow and unrushed, but it still stole my breath. I stood on my toes to pull you closer but you secured hold of my hips and pushed me back.

“Good bye, Noel.” I never heard you sound so defeated. Every single space of my heart reserved only for you began to crack and crumble into a million pieces.

I wanted to call you back, but I watched you quietly open the door and disappear behind it. Once the door closed, I stared at it as if willing you back. I was sure it would open and you would poke your head back in but it remained closed. It wasn’t until a minute later that the realization of what I’d done hit me.

My body wretched with a sob and I threw my hand over my mouth to muffle the heart wrenching sound.

For the rest of the day, I was a walking zombie. My mother arrived unannounced 15 minutes later to help me get ready for the day’s events. Whether she saw the blank stare of conformity on my face or not, she went about being the dotting Mother of the Bride. In my mind, she chose to ignore my deep abiding hurt and pretended as if all her dreams were coming to fruition through me.

We arrived at the church on time and I was ushered to the pastor’s office, which had been converted to a changing room. My sisters (who were also my bridesmaids) fixed my hair and helped me into my dress. I remained silent as they poked, prodded, curled and crimped. It wasn’t until they both stopped talking did they noticed I hadn't said a word all day.

“Noel…are you okay? You look out of it.” Camille cupped my cheeks with both hands and searched my eyes.

“It’s just nerves. She’s fine.” Yolanda waved the subject away. “I was the same way when I got married the first time. Girl, I was not looking forward to the wedding night when we’d have to—”

“Landa, shut up for a minute. Look at her. It’s more than nerves. Something’s seriously wrong.”

Camille swept a hand in front of my face, willing me back to reality but all I saw was the defeat in your eyes. My mind continued to replay that single moment when I lost you.

The door burst open behind us and my mother clapped her hands gleefully. “You all look so beautiful! Just the way it was supposed to be…my girls.”

“Mom, something’s wrong. Look at Noel? She’s completely out of it.” Camille gestured toward my face where a blank expression lay.

“It’s just pre-wedding jitters. Now, you all take your places! The ceremony is about to start.” She ushered my sisters out and held the door open, examining my back. “Take a deep breath, dear. You’re a beautiful bride. You and Evan are going to be so happy together.”

Somehow, that seemed to snap me from my trance. I turned to her smiling face and shook my head.

“No.”

This perplexed her and she stepped fully into the room. “What do you mean no?” her voice was hushed, as if she didn’t want anyone else to witness this private conversation.

“I mean, that we won’t be happy,” I said as I stood and dropped my bouquet to the floor, not caring that a few petals had broken off on impact.

“Of course you will.” She placed a soothing hand on my shoulder but her smile waned.

“No, mom. I won’t, but I’m sure as hell going to be.” I made a move to step around her but she blocked my path, this time she didn’t try to mask the distress on her face.

“Noel, now stop this nonsense and come on. You’re getting married—”

“I’m not getting married today. I can’t marry Evan.”

She gasped and shut the door to keep any bystanders from eavesdropping. “Now, you listen to me, little girl. You are getting married today. All of those people came here to see you and Evan vow your love—”

“I don’t love Evan, mother! You love him. Dad loves him. Your high society friends love him, but I don’t! I love…I love Justin.”

A sense of relief washes over me with the utterance of your name.

It took her a minute to recollect the name and put it with a face and when she did, there was fire in her eyes. “That boy from the hospital? My God, Noel, this is completely unacceptable! How could you do this to me? How could you embarrass our family this way? It’s not bad enough that your sisters were a disappointment but now you too? Oh, God, I think…I think I feel faint.” She laid a hand on her forehead and began to sway.

I rolled my eyes. She always took the dramatics to a new level.

“Mom, stop it,” I sighed. “I love you but I can’t marry Evan. I’ll go out and tell everyone myself.” I kissed her cheek and moved her aside to reach for the doorknob.

How I could have let you walk out this morning, I’ll never know. But somewhere between my apartment and the church, I’d grown a backbone. This was my life and I was going to live it however and with whomever I chose.

“Need me to drive?” I looked to my left where my sisters stood with grins plastered across their faces.

“Welcome to the DDC, sister dear.” Yolanda hugged me.

“DDC?” I asked when she pulled away.

“The Disappointing Daughters Club.”

I snorted and wiped at a stray tear that trailed down my cheek. “I’d appreciate if you’d drive, but first, I have to go out there and—” I stopped short when I caught a movement out of my peripheral.

I knew your stature from anywhere and had become acquainted with every inch of you, so much so that the sight of your back stole my breath.

“Justin,” I said under my breath and began to make my way in your direction. You were making your way out of the church and I wondered what in God’s name you were even doing here.

“Justin!” I shouted as I made my way outside, where the sun was absolutely blinding. I picked up the front of my dress and began to jog down the front steps of the chapel, still calling out to you. “Justin! Justin, wait!”

It wasn’t until the second time did you turn and look at me. Those piercing blue eyes held an ounce of surprise and wonder, as we stood in the middle of the street taking each other in. Car horns blared around us, but I didn’t hear any of it. You were all there was—all I ever wanted there to be.

“Noel, what—”

“I love you.”

You blinked several times before you opened your mouth to speak but I held up a hand to stop you.

“Just let me say this before I lose my nerve. You were right. I was weak. I thought I had an obligation to my family’s happiness. You were right about that too. Evan was the golden ticket for everyone. He was everything my parents wanted in a son, a son they could be proud to say was a part of their family. It was pretty much a step up from an arranged marriage and I would have been content with that. I was content with that, until you. You and Lynn came into my life and you turned it upside down. Now, I’m not okay with mere contentment. I want to be happy and you make me happy. And I love you.”

I took a deep breath and watched you absorb my words. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d turned around, gotten into your car and driven away. I’d put you through a lot but I hoped with every fiber of my being that you would say something, anything.

“All you had to do was ask me to stay.”

I gave a watery laugh and wrapped my arms around your shoulders. “Stay?” I whispered in your ear.

“Always.”