I was stunned to my core. How is it possible for me to not have seen this coming? It wasn't the green-hazel eyed guy from Mississippi or the dork from Pittsburgh who completely immobilized me. I saw them and spoke to them way more often over the years. It was those other two I found myself shaken by. Huh. This feeling was too familiar. Seeing Justin and JC for the first time when I was 12 years old, I couldn't believe they were real. And like now, I still couldn't believe it. Their presence. Their eyes looking at me. My eyes started to cloud over.
I felt a soft nudge against my elbow, and was ripped from my daze. The one place I wanted to stay in at the moment. Joey gently pushed me forward and I began to walk. Only, these didn't feel like my own legs walking. I was having an out of body experience because this was possibly the worst way to get tricked by another person. I was so happy to finally get what I wanted, that I was gullible enough to believe Joey when he said he wasn't alone. I BELIEVED Joey. I guess I'd feel worse if it was Lance, since he was a horrible liar.
I stopped short. I didn't want to proceed any further and for once, my body was working with me and not against me. Now if I could only convince it to run away. We were both good at doing that. We should work on disappearing into thin air, too. I thought, 'go', but nothing was budging. Not a single step more. When it was certain that I wasn't going anywhere, Justin began to approach me instead. Did he get taller since the last time I saw him? Would that be going through puberty twice?
He was stopped right in front of me, but I wasn't looking up at him. I was still looking straight ahead. Right into his priest looking, color block, shirt thingy. As soon as I mustered up the courage to remember how to speak, I'd ask him what the hell he was wearing. I could see the threads on the thing. So either he was standing too close or I was very focused on his shirt. Probably the latter. I was slowly moving my head to look up, when I suddenly got wrapped in an embrace. There wasn't any conversation, no little whisper in my ear, just the hug. I was not going to cry. No. I had no reason to cry. I was the one who distanced myself from him. I wanted this. Nope. Suck it up, Zahra. Don't you let one single tear fall from your face.
"We'll talk later," he said quietly, and I was let go. "Guys, let's go outside, shall we? There's a Mama Camden out there waiting for us." The others quickly got the hint and scampered outside.
Why did they leave me in here with JC? I was feeling so many things at the moment, but the only one that made sense was that little voice in my head encouraging me to kill my friends. I liked that feeling. I could tell JC felt the same way I did about being left alone together. I can almost bet my entire life savings he had no idea he was being brought to my home. But what if he did know and wanted to come?
Again, my body and I were one, so I sort of stood there. I didn't know what to say to him or even how to say anything to him. I felt very horrible. I made a good decision to end our destructiveness with each other, but there was lingering guilt because it was one-sided. I was the one who wanted it.
"Sit. Please," I finally spoke. He nodded, sitting down on the couch where I took a place next to him.
"Before either of us say anything else, you need to know that I don't want to hear any apologies. You don't need to feel sorry about doing what was best for yourself," he said.
I released a shaky bout of air that was being held inside of me. I didn't know how necessary it was to hear those words come from JC until I heard them. Seems almost odd to think of someone's voice as music to your ears. Is it not? Well, that's how I felt listening to him. I felt different hearing him speak in person. His voice was fresh.
"You're not mad at me?" I asked.
"Mad? What. Why would I be? I know why you stayed away. The only thing I did for eleven years was miss you," he explained. "I missed you so much, Zahra."
He pulled me into his arms for a tight hug. And that's when everything, including my strong desire to not be emotional, collapsed. I let the tears calmly fall. I didn't think he would miss me the way I missed him. I knew he had dated many women in the years, and up until recently he was finally single. I figured that he had completely moved on, and left me back then. By the way, I didn't go searching for that information on JC's love life. It's hard not to know these things when you have a Celeste as your companion.
"You look beautiful, honey," JC said as detached himself from me.
"Thank you." I wiped my face. "You look handsome yourself."
"Much appreciated," he smiled. "Eleven years, huh?"
"Yeah."
"I can't believe how time flew."
"There was so much that happened. I-I'm so sorry about the things, with your album and whatnot, I mean. I should have been there for you," I said.
"Still old stubborn, Zahra, I see. I told you not to apologize for anything. I know you would have been there if our situation was different. Don't think you owe me anything," he told me. "Hey you ever get the card I sent to Mama Camden for your college graduation?"
"That card was from you? My mom said it was from my aunt." The card itself was so beautiful, I still had it hanging in the corner of my mirror. "Thank you for still thinking of me back then."
"You're welcome." There was hesitation coming from him. Even if we spent a half of a century apart, I could still read him incredibly well. "You have a lovely house."
"Thanks."
Something else was coming.
"Do you...do you live here alone?" he asked.
Knew it. Zahra, you are on fire tonight.
I chuckled softly. "Are you trying to ask if I'm married?" He didn't answer. "You can just ask, you know. It doesn't matter how many years we don't speak to one another, we're still more than friends."
"I'm glad you still think so. Are you? In a relationship?"
"I'm not. Why do you ask?"
"Are you teasing already?" he smiled shyly.
I smiled, shrugging. "I asked you a question."
"Look, I'm aware we can't pick up where we left off. We're different people now. Even so, I'd like it if we both got to know adult JC and adult Zahra better. What I'm saying is, I would love to take you out, if you allow me," he explained.
Here I was, 32-years old, at the crossroads of my prime, and the man I had been in love with for a great deal of my life was asking me to go out. Did I seriously even have to think about this? Yes. Actually I have to. It wouldn't be a long thought period. I owed it to myself to try and rebuild our friendship. Make it better, even. That much, I at least owed to JC, too. He deserved a better friend, and I wanted to give him that.
"Are you asking me on a date?" I asked.
"We don't have to call it that. It's two old friends hanging out," he said.
"And it's two completely single friends, right?" I had to make sure he was single.
"Yes indeed," he nodded.
There was a comforting and assuring silence between us. I was collecting my thoughts and I'm sure he was organizing his. What was going to be the purpose of hanging out? Were we trying to be more than what we used to be? And if things didn't go as planned, then what? Do I lose him again? I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't go through that. Not another time.
"Are we stupid to want to try "friends" again?" I asked.
"I'd rather be stupid for trying, than to be stupid wondering what I missed out on," he replied.
My heart softened at his response. It was pure and honest, he looked very serious about this. Yes we were stupid for wanting to try this again. But our individual experiences and all that time apart shaped and molded us into who we were now. Sitting in front of each other as adults who had left the game playing and messing around in their 20's.
"That's very sweet of you to say," I said.
"Zahra, I won't beat around the bush with you. I'm not going to let you slip out of my life like the first time," he assured.
"I don't think I can let you go easily, either. I missed you a lot, JC. I mean, I know just saying that is nothing, but I it was so hard walking away like that," I admitted.
"I know. And I promise I won't let things get so bad between us again."
I sat in my thoughts for a minute. This was what was in front of my face. As straightforward as I could ever ask for. What was I going to do? No, better yet, what did I WANT to do?
"Okay, I don't give out my info before a first date. What's your number?" I asked.
JC grinned. "Seriously?"
"Super seriously."
"Alright, I can give you my number. How do I know you'll call?" he asked.
"Wait by your phone?" I teased.
He laughed quietly. "Will do. I'm confident you'll call. I'm sure you'd care for some company."
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