The night of the party, we all enjoyed ourselves. Justin didn't see it fit to talk to me and I didn't see it fit to talk to him. We would save it for another time away from all the festivities. His life was the one that changed the most recently. His album, his awards, and...he was a married man now. I guess I saw that coming. And I'm sure he didn't mind not hearing from me, but it still bugged me that I didn't even send him a gift.
I don't feel any certain way about Justin getting married, you know. I knew that the night I said good-bye to him, it was in more ways than one. I had chosen to stop playing between him and JC. I had chosen JC. And it wasn't because Justin and I weren't right for each other. We could have been. But if we were, the relationship would have just happened. I wouldn't have had to sneak around to not hurt anyone else. And deep down I knew that my feelings for him were not the same that I had for JC. It took me a while to get to a place of admitting that.
But I wasn't off the hook. Not yet. I couldn't avoid talking to Justin. He had easily gotten my address from Celeste and he was on his way. At least she was good for something since she let me know he was coming. In the meantime, I was quickly picking up around my condo so I could go take a shower. I was nervous about seeing Justin and being alone with him. We weren't horny teenagers anymore, but we hadn't been alone together in a long time. There were things between us never said and never expressed. Would there be resentment?
Before I could run off to the bathroom for my shower, the doorbell rang. I wasn't even annoyed by the timing because my nerves were in my throat standing in front of the door. I took a deep breath while unlocking the locks, and opened the door. This giant stood before me, plaid shirt, jeans, and as always, a pair of Jordans on his feet.
I stepped aside to let him in, I didn't even say anything. I couldn't, I was feeling many things at once. But Justin didn't care about any of what I was feeling. Once I closed the door, he pulled me into his body and hugged me. I didn't hug him back immediately, I hesitated again. I was worried that I would get ahead of myself and be too wrapped up in him. But I had nothing to worry about, I wasn't 16 anymore. I calmly put my arms around his torso and hugged him back.
I missed him more than I thought I did.
Once we pulled away from each other, I led him to the kitchen. He took a seat at the counter, on a highchair, while I went to get him something to drink. I kept opening closing the cabinets with no idea of what the hell I was even looking for. I finally took a second to breathe, calm my shaking hands, and grab a glass of water. I turned to walk to the counter, Justin was watching me. He didn't have to say anything, I knew he understood.
"Thank you. ....Zahra, you look beautiful," he complimented.
"I can say the same about you," I said.
The silence again.
"I know we're going to apologize to each other, but let's skip all of it and just be content that all is forgiven," Justin said.
"I agree," I nodded.
"But there is one thing I need to know. I understand why you stayed away from JC for so long, but why me?"
"Because it was both of you who were connected to me, and you were still connected to each other then. I guess I let the time get too far away from me. Congratulations by the way, you're married," I said.
He glanced down at his ring and nodded. "Yeah...thank you. Who would have thought I'd be married?"
"I did. You've always been the one to be in long-term relationships, so I saw it coming," I replied.
"It could have been different..."
"Justin, don't do that. It could have been, but it wasn't and it's okay. I'm okay with it. And I have been for a long time," I assured.
"You weren't alone on that. It took a long time for me, too. And you seem happier, so maybe time away from me was the best," he said.
"It wasn't you or anyone else that made me unhappy. It was myself. I made myself unhappy by not making the smart decisions. In the end, if I could do it all over again to get to the peace and understanding of myself that I have now, I'd do it in a heartbeat," I explained.
Justin chuckled softly. "I was so used to hearing sarcastic remarks from you, I almost forgot how much of an intellectual you are. I'm happy for your peace."
"I am, too."
There was another moment of silence. But it was one of mutual respect. He was happy for me and I was happy for him. This is what our friendship was supposed to be, and it felt nice to finally have it again.
"Random but....JC's single you know."
I pulled my head back and gave Justin a look. "I'm aware of that. Why do you mention it?"
"Uh...well, no reason, just saying. People be single and stuff and I just thought you should know," he shrugged.
He was always the mood maker. He could always make me smile, even when I was attempting to write a death wish. I appreciated his light-heartedness after almost giving up on social normality awhile ago.
"Justin, please tell me you're not behind JC asking me on a date," I said.
"JC asked you on a date?!" he shouted.
DAMN it.
"You didn't hear anything, shut up."
"Oh my god, my ultimate otp is canon," he squealed.
I laughed heartily. "I cannot believe you said that. Consider yourself hashtag disowned."
"Well? Did you say yes?" he asked.
"Of course I did...," I replied.
"....you still have feelings for him."
"I don't know yet," I shrugged. I truly didn't. I missed JC and I wanted to catch up with him. But I couldn't be certain about how I was feeling yet.
"Do you even want something more? I know you did back then, but things are different now," Justin asked.
"I want to be a better friend. I owe him that. I owe you that, too," I said.
"Zahra..."
"No, I do. I was wreaking havoc on everyone's relationship, including personal and business ones...and it wasn't right. And I wasn't a good friend to you anymore. I used you as a way to make excuses. When you're one of the last people I should have ever wanted to hurt."
"I was only hurt when you pushed me away. But now you know that once you're back in my life, you can't leave as easily as you think. Not without going through customs and immigration," he cracked.
I pushed his arm gently. I had my friend back. The only one who understood the true madness of what my mind was and I of his. I felt more complete than I did before. I did use to depend on him too much. But when we were apart, that huge chunk of my relationships area got chipped away. Now that it's back in place next to Celeste, everything is almost right where it needs to be.
I feel clarity coming to me in a way it hadn't before. It wasn't only growing up or older, it was becoming mature...wiser. I was able to own up to my mistakes, and let those involved know how real my apology is.
This feeling, how content I was, it was nice.
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