Chapter 28 – Jesus Take The Wheel

Little Rock, Arkansas – Friday, October 10, 2014

As the small white pieces of gravel crunched underneath her sneakers, Melissa approached the small off-white colored house just wondering – what would the reaction be? Would they be happy to see her? Would they be indifferent? Would they even want her around? Would things have changed since the last time she saw them?

The minute she had pulled down the dirt road toward the neighborhood, she had been hit with memories from her childhood. Pulling into the driveway, she remembered playing inside that fenced-in yard. The grass was just as green now as it was back then. She remembered the swing set she used to have as a little girl, and that time she tried to fly out of the swing mid-air, hitting a stray piece of white rock from the walkway and cutting her knee. She remembered getting too old for that swing set, and selling it to the neighbors, who had used it for years for their kids until they got too old for it as well.

She looked over at the window, remembering having her high school graduation photo taken in front of it; holding her diploma, smiling, thinking of all the wonderful things her future held.

It almost made her want to cry, realizing now how wrong she had been that day.

She pushed on, opening the old white gate to the yard, and stopping for a moment to pet the white shih tzu that ran up to her.

“Hey, Harley.”

She smiled as the dog recognized her, starting to wag his tail wildly before jumping up to her to lick her face, unable to contain his excitement.

“Oh Harl,” she said with a laugh as she put her hand to his head, giving it a scratch. “Look at you, old man.”

She gently grabbed his head, looking him over from side-to-side and then finally, directly in the eyes. Harley had been a puppy when she was a teenager. Now, she was startled at how much he had aged. His wild white fur coat had lost most of its sheen and luster. His bright eyes had succumbed to cataracts. And even though his tail still flew dangerously quick from side-to-side and he had strode over to her with excitement, she could tell that his poor body and legs didn't move like they used to.

“Excuse me, can I--”

Melissa was startled when she heard the door open and a woman's voice, standing up and turning slightly. The moment they locked eyes, she watched her mother's hand fly to her mouth.

“Oh!” she said with a gasp, her eyes wide. “Melissa?”

“Momma?” Melissa said, a questioning tone in her voice.

Both of them stood silently for a few moments, unsure of what to say to each other...until Melissa's mom lowered her hand, rushed down from the porch, and immediately scooped Melissa up into the tightest hug she had ever experienced.

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“I can't believe it,” Cathie said, shaking her head. “I just can't believe it.”

Melissa silently held the coffee mug in her hand.

“My little girl,” her mother said. “I never thought I'd see you again.”

“I'm so sorry, momma,” Melissa said. “I've been a horrible daughter.”

“Oh, baby,” Cathie said. “No. No, you haven't been a horrible daughter. Honey, we understand.”

“Where's daddy?” Melissa asked quietly after another sip of the coffee in her mug.

“Work called him out about two hours ago,” Cathie said, glancing at the watch on her hand. “It was something small, so he should be home soon.”

Melissa nodded.

“He'll be so happy to see you, honey,” Cathie said. “You have no idea.”

Melissa sighed, finally succumbing to the feeling of discomfort in her own mother's presence.

“I wish I knew what to say, momma,” she said. “I mean, I just came here, and...”

“There's nothing to say, sweetheart,” Cathie said, her tone comforting. “There's nothing you need to say, there's nothing we expect you to say. It's just good to see you today.”

Melissa sighed again, feeling a small weight lift off her chest.

“I almost didn't get here,” she said. “The truck is so bad, and Der--”

She stopped herself, choking on his name.

“Well, things at home are bad,” she said.

“I know,” Cathie responded. Melissa noticed her eyes fall to her mug that sat between her hands on the table. “Your dad told me he ran into you at the supermarket one day, and you couldn't even afford what few groceries you had.”

Melissa felt her cheeks flush, humiliation taking over.

“I--” Cathie choked. “I wanted to...to bring a few things to you. Groceries, some clothes...but I was afraid of what the result would be. What he might do.”

“He thinks I'm working an extra shift right now,” Melissa said. “He's going to be pissed when he looks at my check and doesn't see those hours. But you know what, mom?”

“What's that?”

“I don't care anymore,” Melissa said. “I...I can't. I've lost every caring bone in my body. He's sucked it all out of me.”

Cathie sat silently as she watched her daughter break down into tears.

“You reach a certain point where it just...doesn't hurt anymore,” Melissa said. “I mean yeah, when he hits you or punches you or throws you into a wall it still hurts. But your pride, your ego, your emotions...that doesn't hurt anymore because he's taken all of it away from you. You know you've hit rock bottom because you've just given into it. You've accepted that this is what your life is and there's no way to change it.”

Melissa paused to wipe away tears.

“My life has to mean more than this, mom,” she said.

“It does, honey,” Cathie said. “You just can't see it right now because, like you said, this is rock bottom. When you're stuck at the bottom of a deep hole, all you can see is that there's a way out, but it's so far away it's unreachable. You can't see what's beyond that escape and why it's worth the effort to try.”

“What's left for me if I ever make it out?” Melissa asked. “My friends have all moved on, Chris hates me for what I've done to him.”

“You don't know that,” Cathie said. “They may be out there doing other things, but just because their lives haven't come to a complete standstill doesn't mean there's no room for you. Those girls drove all the way to Arkansas, that has to mean something.”

Melissa chuckled. “Yeah. Addy showed up again the other day. I guess she's pregnant.”

“That's great.”

“I missed it,” Melissa said. “Addy and Lance are my two best friends in the entire world, and they've been through so much...and I haven't been there for them. It kills me.”

“You will have an opportunity to be there for them...soon,” Cathie said.

“It's not that easy, mom,” Mel said. “Everybody thinks it's so easy to just leave.”

“It's not easy, Melissa,” Cathie said, reaching out to grab her daughter's hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “I'm not saying it is. I know how hard it is, I've watched you struggle. That's the first thing I tell people, is that it's not as easy as just packing up your stuff and walking out the door. But you are one of the lucky few that will get an opportunity.”

“You don't know that,” Melissa said.

“I do,” Cathie said. “I do know, Melissa. I have hoped for it, prayed for it. I know God will come through for us...for you.”

Melissa looked down, and immediately reached into the pocket of her jacket. Feeling the coolness of the pearls as she pulled it out, she placed the rosary in front of her and her mother on the table.

“I've prayed too, momma,” Melissa said. “Chris gave me this, as a Christmas gift. I went to Mass with him that Christmas. It was snowing in New York, and it was just...beautiful. It was perfect. Everything it should be.”

Melissa fingered the rhinestone-studded cross, remembering that freezing cold night.

“I thought God would always be there for me,” she said.

“Oh Melissa, He is,” Cathie said. Her tone had taken on a calm insistence. “Child, Jesus is always with us.”

“Then why haven't things changed, momma?”

Cathie sighed.

“Come with me, Melissa,” she said. “I need to read you something.”

Melissa narrowed her tear-filled eyes with confusion, but followed her mother from the kitchen into the living room as she had asked her to do. Stepping over the old wooden floor, with certain planks that creaked and dipped under her feet, it hit her once again just how odd it was being in her old childhood home. She hadn't been here for something like three years, since she moved to New York; before that, she hadn't been to the home in several more because of Derek.

It no longer felt like home. Home...her own home, no longer felt like home. Arkansas no longer felt like home either. New York, that was what felt like home.

Her mom went immediately to the bookcase, but she bypassed the books and photo albums that made their home there, instead reaching for a photo frame propped up on the shelf in its own empty space.

“Do you remember this, Melissa?” her mother asked, running her finger over the glass of the frame before turning it around and handing it to her.

“Footprints in the Sand?” Melissa asked as she read. “Momma, what--”

“Read it, Melissa.”

Hearing her mother's commanding yet motherly tone, Melissa focused her eyes back on the photo.

“One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord,” Melissa read from the poem. “Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were only one set of footprints.”

Melissa paused to look up at her mother, who only made a gesture with her eyes to keep reading.

“This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or...”

Melissa paused at the next word, trying to choke down what was trying to make its way up.

“...or defeat, I could only see one set of footprints.”

She took a deep breath.

“So I said to the Lord, 'You promised me Lord, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, You have not been there for me?'”

Cathie reached out and took the picture frame from Melissa's hands before she could continue to read.

“And the Lord replied,” Cathie continued reading, “'The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, it is then that I carried you.'”

Cathie carefully set the photo frame back on the shelf, propped up in its place.

“The Lord is always with us, Melissa,” she said. “Even when we don't see Him, He is there. He doesn't always make His presence known to us, because if we knew He was there, we would never rely on ourselves. We would never learn to walk that sandy beach on our own. We would rely on Jesus to carry us when we need to learn to carry ourselves.”

“Haven't I learned to carry myself enough?” Melissa asked. “I've walked this road all my own, for way too long. momma, I don't think I can walk any further.”

“You can, baby,” Cathie said. “Trust in Jesus, darling. Trust that He loves you, and He would never let you walk a rocky path unless He knew you could handle it on your own. And trust that when there comes a time you can go no further, He will be there to carry you.”

Disheartened, Melissa lowered her head and sighed, trying not to cry. It was hard to have faith and trust that any entity would be there to carry her when she needed it. There had been so many times over the past nine months that she was broken, weary, and couldn't do it anymore; she had prayed, but nobody had been there to carry her during those times.

How was she supposed to believe that she was this strong, that during all those rough moments, nobody had carried her because she was strong enough to walk on her own?

“Momma?” Melissa finally said.

“Yes?” her mother responded.

“Will you pray with me?” Melissa said softly.

Cathie heard the vulnerable, child-like manner in which her daughter had asked her to pray with her. She could only take her daughter's hand, smile softly, and lead her to the couch in the living room. She sat down, leading Melissa to sit next to her.

She grasped her daughter's hand tightly, bowing her head and closing her eyes, as Melissa followed.

“Lord, we come to You today to pray,” Cathie said. “We come to You to pray for many things, Lord. We pray for strength for our daughter, Melissa, for her to overcome the obstacles she struggles with on a daily basis. We pray for our daughter to have renewed faith in herself, so she is able to believe that she can overcome anything if she trusts in herself and trusts in You. Jesus, we pray to You to give our daughter an opportunity to escape the path she is on right now, and lead her down a path that will give her happiness and fulfillment. We pray to You for our daughter's protection against the evil grasp that is upon her at this moment. And Lord, we pray to You, that You will lead our daughter to the true love she seeks – not only true love for another, but true love in herself, so she will see the wonderful person that we, and You, know that she is.”

Fighting back tears, Melissa took in a breath, feeling overwhelmed.

“Jesus, we thank You,” Cathie continued. “We thank You for all the blessings You have given us, and for Your continued guidance. Amen.”

“Amen,” Melissa said softly.

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Fighting to see through the windshield through the torrential rain with wipers that should have been replaced weeks ago, Melissa drove down the bumpy street town.

She had stayed at her parents' house for several hours, finally seeing her father after he came home from work. Once again, she had cried seeing him, hugging him again after all this time. Her mother had insisted she stay for dinner. Pot roast, potatoes, pearl onions, carrots, delicious whole green beans smothered in melted butter, and her mom's famous dinner rolls that melted in her mouth. She had stuffed herself so full of food that she could barely move, and she didn't know if she would need to eat again for an entire week.

Leaving the house had been hard, especially knowing what she would have to go back to – a house that smelled of vodka, tequila, and who knew what other kinds of alcohol Derek would have consumed by the time she got back. Instead of her mother's clean, welcoming house, she would go back to a dirty house that smelled like cigarette smoke, where he had piled the dishes so high she would spend all night doing them. Instead of her mother's home cooking, she would go home to a nearly-empty fridge, where she would have a choice between a ham sandwich or a package of noodles for dinner.

The rain had been slow as she had left the house, but by the time she hit Linley Drive, it was coming down in thick sheets. It covered her windshield, and the worn wipers on the truck were doing nothing to push it away. She could only see the glares of headlights and street lamps that were in front of her, and the stop lights were nothing but blurs that changed colors as she drove down the streets.

She thought she was safe as she turned off onto the country road that would eventually lead to her house. The ride became bumpier as the tires struggled to overcome the wet dirt of the roads and the thick bumps that had formed from so many heavy trucks driving down it every day.

One bump was all it took; she tried to compensate with a turn of the wheel, but the lack of visibility and the heavy rain worked against her. She felt the truck skidding fishtail towards the left side of the road. All she could hear as the truck headed toward the side of the road was the radio playing in the background and the sound of the tires tearing through the dirt; all she could see was the heavy rain and the trees coming closer to her.

She lifted her hands from the wheel, accepting the fact that nothing she could do at this point would change the course of where the truck would head. The bumping of the truck jerked her around repeatedly as it went its own way. Finally she heard a loud boom reverberate through the cab, and felt one more sharp jerk as the truck stopped but inertia kept her moving, throwing her against the steering wheel as the truck came to a sudden stop.

After a few moments, she cautiously lifted her head. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her breathing was racing. The rain was still falling too heavily to see what it was that had stopped the truck from moving, but from the sound the crash had made, she could only guess it was something large – and heavy enough to trash the entire front of the truck.

“Damn it!”

She slammed her fists against the steering wheel as hard as she could as the tears started falling. He would kill her if she came back and the front of the truck was totaled.

She sat a few moments letting the tears fall, listening to the rain pound against the glass and metal of the truck.

Eventually, she steeled herself to reach over to the handle, opening the old creaky door. She lifted the hood of her jacket over her head as she stepped out, even though it would offer her very little protection in this weather. Her shoes sunk into the wet ground as she stepped out and walked out to the front of the truck to survey the damage, already feeling the rain soak into her jacket and her skin.

The tears stopped and her mouth dropped when she saw what was in front of the truck.

The headlights illuminated the large marble cross statue outside the Our Lady of Redemption church. It was less than a mile from her house, and she had even been there once or twice, when she could make it without Derek that was. It was surrounded by forested areas, mostly hidden from view. The statue had been there for as long as she could remember.

Ahead of her, the statue hid a less forested area, but on the side of the road, there laid a large ditch. It was so deep that even though it had only been raining a short time, the amount of rain had already flooded it halfway up. If the truck had plowed through the statue, the truck would have nose-dived straight into the ditch. It would have likely flipped a few times; chances were that it would have eventually landed upside-down. With the amount of flooding, she could have easily drowned.

She took a few more struggled breaths before composing herself to look at the front of the truck, then the statue. What she saw made a stifled laugh escape her lips.

Not only did the statue not have a scratch on it, neither did the truck.

Even though she was soaked to the bone and already feeling a chill on her wet skin, she stood there a moment to compose herself. She could have easily died if the statue hadn't stopped the truck. That alone was amazing. The fact that neither statue nor truck were damaged in any way cemented it for her.

Jesus had heard the prayer she had said that night with her mother. All those times she had thought He wasn't listening, He was. He was laying in wait, letting her stand on her own two feet. She didn't think she was strong enough to handle everything that life had thrown her way; in reality, she was just strong enough. But at the moment that her life had spun out of control, and she truly couldn't walk on her own, Jesus had taken over and carried her. It was only because of Him that she was safe and alive.

After a few moments her breathing had returned to normal. Even though she had just been through one of the most terrifying moments of her life, and had nearly faced death that night, she was thinking more clearly than ever.

Jesus would help her, but getting there was her responsibility. She had to believe in herself first. If she wanted things to change, she had to do whatever she could to take the steps before Jesus would take over. She had plenty of reasons, she had a plan, and she had a thousand reasons to change her life waiting for her, hidden where he would never be able to find it.

Now, she only had to wait for the opportunity to present itself. But she knew one thing.

When that opportunity came, she would leave, and never look back.