After leaving Julie standing alone, messing with her phone in the mudroom, Justin opened one of the kitchen cabinets, found his handle of Jim Beam and slammed the cabinet door, not looking when other people went silent and stared at him.  He then shuffled out of the kitchen, ignoring all of their concerned faces.  He stomped up the stairs to go to his room.  People were still there, still hanging out, probably would be for a while.  He knew he needed to be sociable, but this wasn't his party.  This was John's, and he couldn't fill in for his brother just because he was fucking some hot red head right now.

When he got to his bedroom he slammed the door and leaned against it.  It was all a fucking nightmare.  Every part of it.  He had read her totally wrong.  She was completely repulsed by him and he had blown any chance with her. The bad thing was, he was starting to see that she was right.  Dammit, she was right! He had become obsessive over this one aspect about her and had forgotten the rest.  All night, all damn night, she was inviting him to get to know the rest and he just couldn't let it go.  He was too horny, too lonely, too sad and too pathetic.  He wasn’t even able to keep it together for one night.

Finally, someone who just listened to him, someone who just let him ramble about whatever and he blew it.  It didn't matter that she was a woman, or that she was sexy and small and funny.  No, none of that mattered because for a few minutes out there on the deck, she was his friend.  John was always a brother and could never just listen like a friend, and Bill, well Bill had a kid and even though he was Justin’s best friend, lately he couldn't always be there—which was understandable with a five month old.  Plus, Bill's life was together.  He was married, had a job and a kid.  He didn't have time to deal with Justin’s bull shit.  At least, Justin didn’t want him to take time away from his life to deal with it.  He had asked too much of him already the past few months. 

Justin shuffled over to his bed.  He threw his clothes off after setting his phone on the nightstand with his bottle of Beam.  In his bathroom, he found a small plastic cup and poured himself a heavy hand of bourbon.  He stretched his tall frame on his comforter and took a long sip from his cup.  He shouldn't be getting drunk right now.  This wasn't the answer, he knew it.  In fact, his dad had strictly forbidden this.

Now don't get all mopey when I'm gone, Jay. No sitting alone drinking, you hear me?  By all means drink, son, but just do it with people. And give me a toast now and then.  And don't start smoking pot again!

His dad had laughed while he had said it.  He could still hear that laugh in his head.  Echoing over and over.  He had preached to him this lesson last Christmas, drinking a bottle of Blanton’s single barrel reserve that his Dad had saved.  It would be the last time his dad could enjoy it.  The pain medications were going to begin increasing after the New Year, after they went in to remove part of his intestine.  It was the last time his Dad really got to enjoy himself, sitting there by the fire, watching some Spaghetti Western and getting silly drunk with his father.  John was there, too.  It was nice.  Really nice.

And now, everything was such a disaster.  And the worst part was, earlier she was going to help him get a job.  And a job, more than anything, would help occupy his mind, give him something healthier to obsess over than sex.  He pulled his phone over to him and with one hand holding his cup and the other hand on his phone, he texted his friend, Bill:  Call me sometime if you get the chance. My life is horrid and I’m a moron and need advice.

He threw the phone on the other side of the bed and sighed.  He was going to have to drink a lot more if sleep was going to come.  But as he sat there and sipped the brown liquid, he couldn't help all these thoughts racing back into his mind.  Why were they coming back now?  Why were all these memories choking him now?  Closing in on him and pushing him down into the bed.  He'd close his eyes and he could still hear the words the night before it happened:

Please don't mourn me too long, Jay.  Please.  I'm not saying it's not ok to miss me, but I want you to know something.  I feel like my entire life I've known you.  You're my son, of course I've known you.  But since this thing has happened to me, since you've been with me, I understand you.   And you, hey...

He sucked in a ragged breath.  He remembered not being able to look in his father's eyes in that moment.  Why couldn't he look into his Dad's eyes?  His father forced him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it hard.  Justin's hand grasped at nothing now, squeezing only air until his hand was a tight fist, knuckles colorless.

You, Jay.  You are my favorite thing in this world.  You are the best person I have ever known.  So don't pity me or worry, because without this thing killing me, I may have never realized that.  And that’s worth all of this.

He had choked a little after he had said it and the hospice nurses increased the pain meds in his IV and slowly, the next day, right before seven in the evening, he exhaled for the last time.  Justin remembered that exhale, slow and soft and long.  He could vividly remember sitting there, staring into those eyes, finally able to, and they just stared back—blue mirrors of his own, unblinking, lifeless.  The nurse had asked him if they wanted to be alone and he had quietly said no.

He wasn't alone.  He'd always have his dad there.  In that moment, he truly felt that.  He was somehow at peace with it all.  Aunt Elise was there, too.  She had flown in two days before from Chicago.  It was the only family there.  John couldn't handle it, pacing the hallway outside the bedroom.  Aunt E had just sat there beside him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly and she had cried. He didn't cry, though.  Instead, he got up and went to the hallway outside his dad's bedroom.  John looked at him, it was all he had to do, and then sunk to the floor, sobbing.  Justin just stepped over him and walked through the hallway to the den and outside.  He sat on the front stoop and watched the sunset.  It had been 27 degrees outside and he hadn't felt a thing.  But he felt it now.

He slung an arm over his eyes at the memory and let out a quiet sob.  He wasn't lonely then, he was peaceful.  He felt his dad still with him.  But not now, now he was alone, utterly and hopelessly alone.  Where was his dad now?  An angel, a ghost, a rotting corpse in the ground?  Whatever he was now, he wasn’t there.  He'd sometimes dream that his dad was there, that he was still alive and then he'd wake up and it wouldn't be true.  He knew this was going to be hard, he had known it was going to be so hard from the moment his dad told them what was going to happen.  But why today, why now?  Why was this all coming back on him now?  Why was this part the hardest?  And what had she done to him to make all this crash down on him tonight?

Justin couldn’t feel him there anymore and he needed him right now.  His dad would know just what to do with Julie.  He could figure people out so quickly, just like her in a way.  He shook his head thinking back about how she quickly was able to spout back to him everything about himself. All that stuff about feeling lesser than his brother, and not knowing what he wanted to do, and being lost.  He hadn't said any of that out loud, but she figured it out, figured him out.  She had studied him back there on that deck. 

His phone started vibrating on the bed and when Justin saw the caller ID, he exhaled in relief and inhaled again for confidence.  He brought the phone to his ear, “Hey, I figured you'd be asleep.”

“Nah, the baby has an ear infection and poor Blair has been up with him the past two nights.  I let her sleep.  How's Waterworld?”'

“Walterville,” he corrected.

“Whatever the place is called.  I still can't believe you just up and went with John.”

“What else was I supposed to do?”

“Come be my nanny!”  Justin took another sip from his cup and set it on the nightstand.  He stood up and pulled the covers off his bed. 

“Douche!”  At least he was grinning now.

“Blair would love it.”

“I'm sure she would.”

“So, what's up?  Your text sounded....”  He could hear Bill sigh heavily over the phone.  “Well, like you've been sitting in dark rooms staring at the ceiling.”  It was amazing how well his friend knew him.

“I met this girl.”  Justin eased back under the covers and immediately felt like a dummy when he said it.

“Really?”

He stared at the ceiling some more, he could picture her there on his ceiling, smiling, laughing.  But then the scowl came to her face and he grumbled, “And she hates me.”

“Sounds promising.”  Bill was laughing at him.

“She's so intriguing and the bad thing is, I seemed to be getting somewhere tonight and she told me she may be able to help me find a job!  And then what do I do?  I pissed her off. Way off.  So, I was calling for advice.”

“Ok?”

“I have her email and before I pissed her off, she told me to email her my resume and she'd give it to her contacts.  So, my question is:  now that I've pissed her off, should I still send my resume to her?”

“Depends.  Is she popular and did you piss her off enough to make her ruin your reputation around town?”

“Shit...”  Justin ran his free hand through his short hair, pulling at it.

“I'm kidding.  You're an adult.  This isn't high school.  How did you piss her off?”

He shrugged and shook his head.  Now it all seemed kind of silly, she was just a girl, just had an intriguing gift that he couldn’t let go.  Why couldn’t he let it go?  “I don't know.  She thinks all I want from her is sex.”

“Well?”

“Of course I do, she's hot and I haven't had sex since like, shit, last June.”  Suddenly she was right there in his mind again.  She was right there in front of him, on the deck again, smiling at him, laughing with him.  Her eyes were sparkling and her lips were full and pink.  He groaned.  “God, Bill she's like exactly my type.”

“Short and curvy?”

“Yes! And these green eyes...”

Bill chuckled, clearly amused by Justin's tone.  “Ok, Romeo!”

“But I want to get to know her!  It's more than just lusting after her.”  Justin sighed, he felt like such a dumbass.  “I just had a horrible way of making her see that.”

“Then send your resume.  If she hates you?  Oh well.  You've only been in that town for ten days.   If she doesn't hate you, then maybe try a different approach.”

“Such as?”

“Don't try to get in her pants!  Try to get to know her, try to be her friend.”

It seemed like a good idea, but there was one snag.  He still wanted her.  He wanted that slender waist and that ass that was full and round and squeezable.  He wanted to kiss her and touch her and, frankly, he wanted to make her come so hard.  The curiosity about her and about her sexual appetite was gone.  She was cold and closed off.  She wasn't some vixen or a dominatrix.  Maybe she was a virgin, but he doubted that.  Whatever she was, she wasn't going to just give in to him.

But still, he wanted to make her give in.  And he wanted to make her feel better than she ever had.  “But I don't want to just be her friend...”

“Blair and I were buddies for four years before we hooked up!  So, just take that for what it's worth.”

“But you guys were idiots.  You didn't realize you were perfect for each other.  I know I like this girl.”

“I don't know, man!”  Justin could hear little Brian getting upset, that high pitched whine that only babies have when they are about to start whaling.  “Just try to be her friend and get to know her.  Let her come on to you when she's ready.”

“I need to let you go...”

“He's just fussy.  Probably dropped a deuce.”

Justin laughed.  “I'll let you take care of it.  Give Blair my best and give the terd monster a kiss for me.”

“Will do.  I'll send you some dates you should come up.  Considering you're unemployed I figured you can't say no.”

“Well....”  It would be nice to see them.  To be around Bill and Blair and the little man would be comforting.  They'd let him do whatever and would make him feel at home and at ease.  Justin just didn't know if he was quite ready to go back home:  to see the house, the grave, the places that they used to go together.

“And that whole ‘I'm grieving my dad’ bull shit won't work on me either,” Bill said quickly into the phone.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“See ya, man.  Good luck.”

Justin ended the phone call and reached over to set his phone on the nightstand and turn off the light.  Maybe now, after talking to Bill and having a plan, he could relax.  He wasn't thinking about his dad any more, he was thinking about a job and Julie and the freckles just barely there on her nose and cheeks, and the way her green eyes, even when she was furious with him, seemed interested in something. 

His eyes when they were closed could only see her, so he kept them open in the dark.  He could still hear people and music downstairs and wondered how long everyone would be there.  He now felt kind of like an ass for grabbing his whiskey and bolting.  That wasn’t very host-like and wasn’t going to make him any friends in this new place.  People probably thought he was weird and Calvin was probably telling everyone in a hushed voice, “Well you know his dad just died.”  That was the worst, knowing everyone was thinking it, everyone was tip toeing around it.

Julie didn’t.  She listened and she wasn’t afraid to talk about it with him.

He forced the covers back off him and shuffled over to a small desk in the corner.  He pulled out the chair and plopped down.  He really did hate being someone's roommate, like he was a kid or something.  Before his dad got sick and he moved back home, he had lived with Becky in an apartment.  But they shared every space.   This room felt crowded. No pictures, just a bed, a nightstand, a dresser and a desk.  It was the same furniture from back home.  Maybe because it was his furniture from high school, maybe that’s why he felt weird in it.  Maybe he needed to buy some new stuff.

Maybe he'd look for his own place one day, if he got a job.

He opened his laptop and squinted for a moment while his eyes adjusted to the glare.  He opened his email and clicked on the icon for a new one.  He looked down at his fingers and chewed on his lip as he started typing.

Julie,

I'm an asshole.  I just really like you and I'm sorry that I let my desire for you take over.  You were right.  I should have gotten to know you better.  It doesn't change the fact that you completely fascinate me.  And I do want to know more.  I really do.  Maybe tomorrow I can apologize in person?  Would you be up for a drink with me?  I promise you that I will not come on to you or ask you about your writing or your sex life.  I wa

He sighed and held down the backspace button to watch all of his words disappear.  Being honest wasn't the way to go.  Pouring his heart out to her wasn't going to help.  He leaned in his chair to the side, tipping it dangerously and slid the book that was lying on his dresser closer to him.  He opened it up and held it open with one hand while he entered in the email address she had written for him with his other hand.  He stared at the blank email body for a while, not knowing what to say.  He thought about calling Bill back, but he didn’t want to be too annoying.  He was a man, he could do this.  But how was he going to make her see that he was worth taking a chance on?

Maybe he wasn’t.   Maybe someone was trying to tell him something.  Maybe this girl was bad news.  Maybe he was just depressed, grieving, something.  Maybe he was just jealous of how his brother easily got a girl.

Maybe it was time to move on.

After a sleepless night that was mostly blamed on the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, Value Fries and Frosty she ended up getting after the party (and only slightly blamed on her increasing guilt for her behavior), Julie decided that the only way to fix her blues was to go into to work.  Whether she wrote, did a window display, read a book, or shuffled different items to different parts of her desk, she had to do something other than just lay there in her bed and stare at the ceiling.

So with a quick shower and a piece of toast, she dressed and drove the five miles to work.  She went into Java Jones, got her tea and then walked the few steps over to her store.  It was 9:50 and she expected to see Dave with his bicycle waiting outside her store with the largest cup of coffee ever to be seen, ear buds in, head bopping to whatever hipster music he was into now.  He wasn't there.  Instead a lanky red head was leaning against the door yawning, wearing her same clothes from last night.

“What are you doing here?”  Julie asked, unlocking the door for them.

“Dave called about an hour ago and said he was too hung over to—“ Nik laughed and covered her mouth.  “Oops!  I meant that he was sick, so he asked if I would take his shift.  I said ok since he took mine yesterday.”

“Oh right.  Crap.”  Julie just remembered that she had driven Nik's car home that night.  It's why Nik was just standing there instead of already in the store, since she had a set of store keys.  Julie had completely forgotten that Nik’s Civic was parked on the street in front of her house.  Where was her mind this morning?  Nik must have gotten a ride here from someone.  She hoped that Justin guy wasn't lurking.  It was too early to have to face him and apologize.  Even though she knew what she had said was right, she felt like such a moron for being so mean about it.  When he finally was forced to say, ‘well then tell me about you’ she shouldn't have just shut him off.  It was rude and it wasn't like her.  “Well, I totally forgot about your car.  I was in a fog and totally forgot you would be here.”

“Julie...”  Nik laughed.  “You didn't know!  Remember?  I'm covering for Dave.” Julie just rubbed her forehead.  Geez, she was a mess.

“Did you have fun last night?”  Julie asked, slinging back the green curtain to retrieve the books that came in late yesterday from where they were set beside the back loading door.  She wanted to inventory them and get them out quickly.

“Maybe I should be asking you that.” All Julie had to do was glare and Nik laughed and put up her hands.   “Ok, ok.  Yes, I did.  Though, I do apologize for smelling like a man today.”  Julie's eyes widened.  Nik laughed harder in response to Julie's facial expression.  “I took a shower over there so I smell like man soap!  John dropped me off here a while ago. ”

Julie just nodded slowly and carried a heavy box over to the counter.  She must have had a scowl on her face, or the lack of enthusiasm ticked something in Nik.  Nik asked, “Julie, what’s wrong?  Did you not have fun?  You seemed to be when I was there.”

Julie sighed and ignored the concern in her friend’s voice.  “I’m just in the zone.  I need to get these new hardbacks out since beach season starts soon and people may come in to buy them.”

“We’re always dead on Saturdays.”

Nik was prying.  She was doing it in her little coy way of not coming right out and asking it, but Julie knew in her friend’s mind that Nik was doing the math and trying to get to the bottom of Julie's distant mood.  So Julie had to counter it.  She pushed the spotlight off of her. 

“So are you going out with John again?”

“Yes.”  Nik grinned.  “We’re going to Sticky-Ickies tonight”

“Nice…”  Julie laughed.  It was the worst bar.  One of those places where you could play games and horny single people got all up on each other.  Julie hated it.  It was like a fun park but instead of for kids it was for adults.  Condoms instead of balloons and cleavage instead of light up sneakers.  Stupid and nasty.

“Hey!  Not everyone is totally opposed to game bars like you.”

“I was there once and maybe contracted an STD by walking in the place.”

“Julie!  Stop being in a mood.”

“Sorry.”  Julie mumbled and used the box cutter to open the box and pulled out the invoice to check it over.  It was quiet, and she could feel Nik's eyes on her.

“So your boyfriend is cute in the mornings.”

Julie only moved her eyes for a moment.  Nik was beaming, holding onto the counter and leaning down in some stretch. 

“Uh, what?”

“He’s cute in his little jammies.”  Nik stood back up and bit her lip.  She then hopped up on the counter, she knew how much Julie hated that.  She was doing it on purpose.  “He made us all breakfast.”

“All?”

“Yeah, everyone left over.”

Julie tried to seem as if she was only half paying attention, as she counted off books and pulled them from the box.  But for some strange reason, she was interested in what happened there after she left last night.  “So a lot of people stayed over?”

“It was going away party on a Friday night with a bunch of single 20 and 30 somethings!  This is what happens!  You would know if you had stayed.”

“What did he make you for breakfast?”

“I KNEW IT!”  Nik shouted and hopped off the counter, laughing and doing a little dance.

Julie blinked. “What?”

“You like him,” Nik sung out at her and pointed.

That was the weirdest and most untrue statement of the century.  She didn’t LIKE him.  She didn't like anyone.  Was she interested in him as a character study?  Yes.  Did she feel bad for being mean? Yes, mostly.  Was she hoping for some sort of reunion where they could get to know each other better?  She hadn't made up her mind on that one, yet.  She had, however, sent out an email to everyone in her local business association last night asking if anyone had managerial openings.  But Nik was way off base with this whole “liking” business. 

“Uh, I asked what you had for breakfast, because all I had was toast and I wanted to know what you had.  This is mainly about me and food.  You should know this.”

Julie grabbed her cup of tea and breathed it in first before taking a long sip.  Nik said, “Sure, play it off.  We had eggs with onions and peppers, and best bacon ever, and pancakes and coffee and it was delicious. Not like Bisquick pancakes, like for real ones!  A man who can cook, you have to go for him.  He’s like your soul mate!”

The tea was a little hotter than she expected and she coughed and sat it down.  “You just about made me choke on my tea.”

“I’m convinced of it.”

Julie rolled her eyes and went to the back of the store to get another box, calling out, “You want to double date, that’s all this is.  You want double dates now that you have a boyfriend.”

“Maybe. Here I can stock that.”  Nik followed her and took the box out of her hands.  “You should go home.  It's a Saturday, boss!”

“Nah, I’ve got some work to do.”  She helped carry another box to the front for Nik to work on.

“And just so you don't judge me, mother, I didn't sleep with him,” Nik said, eying Julie.

Julie smiled at her, “But you gave him a blow job.”

“JULIE!” Nik exclaimed in mock shock. “No!” She continued in a very shy voice, reddening slightly, “Maybe a hand job.”

“I just hope you got something out of it!”  Julie turned and walked back through the slung open green curtain to her office.

“You ask for details and then walk away?”  Nik laughed.

Julie sighed and closed the door of her office just halfway behind her.  She turned on her computer and while it booted, went back out front to grab her tea.  Nik was humming to herself and cleaning and dusting off a space near the front book rack to set the new books.  Julie was as quiet as possible so Nik wouldn’t notice her.  She wasn’t ready for more conversation about someone being cute and making breakfast.  It would make her stomach grumble.  When Julie got back to her office, her computer was up and running and she checked her email first. She had several new in her inbox and she read them as follows:

Julie,

Got your email this morning.  What luck? We’re actually in the process of looking for a general manager.  Kyle’s moving back to Atlanta and I really need someone to help me with the books and the staff.  Go ahead and send me that guy’s resume.  It can’t hurt, ya know? 

Also, are you going to next week’s meeting?  I can’t be there but apparently Donnie’s bringing in some guy to propose some official association branding for us.  I smell horse shit, but ya know Donnie—always got to try to make this into his group.

Best,

MB

She chewed on her lip because she hadn't yet received an email from Justin with his resume, or anything else, and she wondered now if he would.  Maybe she had jumped the gun last night emailing everyone about him.  It had been on her conscience last night, and she was trying to make up her bitchiness to him without having to actually talk to him.  Now, if he didn't send it, she was going to have to figure out a way to get it from him.  Why had she made this situation so awkward?   She made a plan right then and there to take a second chance on the whole thing.  Plus, it wouldn’t be that hard to get his email from Nik or John.

Jules,

Check out this link of a cat riding a turtle.  Your mom is mad now, I just woke her up.  Didn’t realize the sound was on.

Love,

Pops

She laughed because her dad also hadn't realized that he didn't send a link with his email.  He was so adorable.  She could only imagine how pissed her mom would have been.  It was sent at 3am, which meant her dad wasn't sleeping well, which meant her parents had probably fought earlier in the night.  Waking her mom up to whatever sound was on the video he watched wasn't going to help. 

She sighed and rubbed her forehead.  She didn't need anything from Amazon, didn't care about any GoodReads updates or deals of the day from Belk.  Somewhere in the midst of all the advertising emails was one sent at 11:14pm from the Gmail account of JRCarroll.  The subject line read: “this isn't an apology.”

And when she opened it up, it wasn’t.

Julie,

I know you hate me, but I’d still like a job.  So attached is my resume in case you know of anyone who’s looking for someone with my skills.  Probably a dumb thing for me to try to be all smooth and then promptly piss off the one person who may have some ability to get me a job in this shitty town.

Anyway, no worries if you don’t want to help me.  Just putting it out there in case you’re still interested.

-J

Julie smiled and immediately clicked the forward button.  She didn't think to read his resume, he had given it to her verbally last night.   She typed Mark's email address in the “To” line, re wrote the “Subject” line and erased Justin’s words in the body. 

Mark,

See attached.  He’s a nice guy and seems to be pretty easy going and dedicated.  Hope something works out soon.

Julie H.

She then went back to the original email and hit reply.  Her fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment before she speedily typed a reply.

Justin,

When I got back home last night I sent an email to some of my colleagues seeing if any of them had any managerial openings.  Got a hit back this morning from Mark Bellenger who is the owner of Java Jones.  Not sure if you saw when you came to my store last week, but Java is around the corner from my store on the main road.  Off of Jones Street (hence the name).  He’s looking for a general manager to do the books and help manage staff.  Not sure if it’s something you are interested in, but I’ve forwarded him your resume and hope something works out.

She sucked in a breath.  He hadn't apologized to her and maybe, maybe there was nothing to be read into that.  Maybe he was just trying to keep it professional and basic.  She understood why he would want to.  But she felt like she should apologize and email was a great way to do it.  That way she wouldn’t have to look at him.

I am sorry I was bitchy last night to you.  You seem like a decent guy, you just gotta understand that I’m not easily won over.  I've never been won over.   You really don’t want to go down this rabbit hole with me because you may never get out, and that’s just unfair to a new guy in a new city with endless possibilities ahead.  It's better to just consider me a nun.

All my best,

Julie H.

P.S.  I also think you DO owe me an apology, simply because I ended up at the Wendy’s drive thru after I left and spend my night guilt-eating. 

Part of her wondered if he would reply.  The other part of her let it go and slowly the rest of her did too.  If fate worked out and Mark liked him, he'd be working near her very soon.  If that happened, they were just both going to have to get over their past two encounters.  Maybe the more they had time to be around each other, the better it would get.  Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of time and distance from it all would make them both move on from whatever weirdness had occurred the night before.