The vibrating on his nightstand woke him up and he blindly felt for his phone.  Why would anyone call him this early?  He looked at the phone; it was just Jules and it was actually 10:30 in the morning.  Damn, he thought, he had slept way late.  The game had finished at about 9 and they got back to his place about 9:30.  It wasn’t like the two of them had had some crazy late night.  But, when he got back home John was there without Nik and the two of them ended up watching some movie.  It wasn’t even that good, but the next thing he knew they were both drinking whiskey and playing Call of Duty until three in the morning.   His brother was in one of his silent moods, which meant he had probably gotten in a fight with his girl, or completely blown it, or was just being a moody asshole for no reason.

He answered the call with a gravelly voice.

“You left your hat in my car,” she said, she sounded chipper and pleasant.

“Oh…”

“I can bring it by in a few, if that’s ok.”

He rubbed his face trying to wake up as much as possible and said, “Great, thanks.”  She hung up.  He then noticed he had missed a text from Bill late last night.

Are you up depressed about your dad?  Cause I’m up with a fussy baby and need something to do.

Ass.  He sucked in a breath and immediately felt his head start to throb.  He didn’t feel like he had drunk that much the night before.  Maybe it was staying up ‘til three playing the game.  He felt like a million tons and pulled himself out of bed.  He threw on his shirt and went to brush his teeth.  His hair was a mess and he was sure Julie was going to give him hell for looking like crap.  But at least he had gotten to know her last night.

He felt bad for the girl, but at least now he knew that it wasn’t that she was virgin or some weird person.  No, she had just gotten the short end of the stick when it came to guys and now she was over it.  Over trying to get a guy, trying to have real life intimacy with a man, over jerks caring only about themselves.  He didn’t blame her, but he also felt bad for her for just giving up like that.  She was too hot and too cool and too much fun to just take herself off the market.  There had to be more to it.

When he made himself look a little better, he picked his phone back up and walked down the stairs.  It was quiet in the house, which meant John wasn’t here or he was still asleep.

He dialed a number and went outside on his front porch.  John had installed a bench swing the other day and Justin sat on it and yawned as the phone rang.

“So you can call me at three am to bitch about your dead dad, but when I call to bitch about my screaming son you just ignore me.  I see how it is…”

“Shit man, I didn’t hear the phone.”  Justin rubbed his hand over his face.  He should have gotten himself a cup of coffee.  In the last week, he’d become a little addicted.  He always liked coffee before, but right now he felt like couldn’t function without it.  He thought it had something to do with the coffee grinds in the air, breathing in the smell all day.  “John and I ended up playing Duty and I don’t even know.”

There was a mock “aww” over the line.  “Look at you guys, being all brotherly and shit.”

“We were drunk,” Justin grumbled and saw Julie's car pull up in front of the house. 

“Figures.”

“Hey, hold on a second, Jules is here...”  He pulled the phone down from his ear and watched her get out of the car, carrying his hat.  He met her halfway between the curb and his front steps.  She was looking, actually, rather amazing.  Her hair was halfway pulled back and she had on this long sundress and heels, actual heels with a little short sleeve cardigan over her shoulders.

“Here you go,” she said in a chipper tone, smiling behind sunglasses.  It was very bright out.

He took his hat from her and placed it on his head, eying her.  “You’re dressed up.”

“Yeah, church starts in 20 minutes.”

His mouth dropped a little.  He didn’t know why, but he hadn’t pegged a girl who wrote sex scenes to be the church-going type.

“You go to church?”

“Most Sundays.”  She shrugged.

Or, maybe, it was exactly her type.  “Interesting….”

“What?”

“Nothing.”  He laughed a little and looked down at the grass that probably needed to be cut.  Maybe he’d do that later this afternoon. “I haven’t been in a while…”

“You wanna go?”

He looked down at his bare feet, “I’m not really dressed.”

“No worries.”  She smiled and pointed over her shoulder at her car.  “I should get going, though.”

“When do you get out?”

“Right at twelve.”

“Call me when you get out?”

She shrugged and waved at him.  “Sure.”

He watched her get in the car and then pulled the phone back up to his ear.  Immediately he heard Bill say over the line with a chuckle, “Boned her, yet?”

He rolled his eyes and walked back to the house, “Nah, I feel like since she got me a job I should take it easy.”

“And how's that going for you...”

“Pretty good.  I mean, she's pretty fun.  We’ve had a great past couple days watching baseball together, but she's got some real hang ups with guys so...it's best to just be friends, I guess.”  He walked back in the house and moved over to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

“You guess?”

He was dragging and was going to need to wake up if any part of the day was going to be functional.  “Yeah...”

“You’re in love with her.”

Justin laughed and noticed there was coffee already made.  John must have made it earlier and left.  “I just met her.”

“You’ve spent every day with her since you met, haven’t you?”

He didn't like where this conversation was going.  Just last weekend, Bill was the one telling him to be friends with the girl.  And now he was being all cautious or fatherly, and Justin felt defensive.  And so what if he had seen her everyday?  They worked right beside each other.  She came in every morning to get tea, she had done that before her got there and would do it well after he left.  But, to be honest, the first week was great.  It was fun.  The staff was filled with cool, interesting people and he felt like he was really helping the place out. So maybe he’d be there a lot longer than he first thought.

“Well no...”  He poured himself a mug and sipped it black.  It was old, but still hot. 

“Just be careful.  You're fragile, remember?”

“That's great,” Justin said sarcastically and set his mug down.  “You're a great friend, Bilbo Baggins.”

Bill laughed loudly on the other line and Justin smiled, knowing how much Bill hated it when someone called him that. “She must watch Lord of the Rings with you!  This is the only reason you're spending time with her.  She lets you be a nerd.”

“Maybe she does!”  He defended.  “She doesn't give me crap about it like you.”

“Whatever man, I've been watching Dance Moms, so...I really have no room to talk.”

Justin laughed, “What the hell is that?”

“I don’t know, but they play marathons of it at 2am.”

“Sounds brilliant.”  Justin went to the fridge to figure out something to eat for breakfast, but then he heard Bill’s voice on the line, a little less joking, a little more uptight.

“Hey, I’m serious about being careful.  I’m all about you getting laid and having a pretty lady or having a friend.  But just make sure she doesn’t take advantage of the situation and turn you into her boyfriend without benefits.”

Justin set out some eggs and milk, then paused, letting the words register in his brain, “What?”

“Yeah, like this is a thing.  They had a whole episode of it on Lifetime last night.”

“You make fatherhood seem so masculine.”  Justin laughed.

“Shut up.  But forreal, it’s when women string a guy along and get all the benefits of a boyfriend but never put out.  It happens to nice guys a lot.  Guys like you.”

Justin shook his head and worked to get his breakfast ready, “Jules isn’t like that.  And we’re not about sex.  We’re buddies.”

“See it’s already happened.”  Bill's voice lowered on the line, as if he didn't want anyone to hear the next part but Justin.  “You're just fuckin' friends!  And I don’t mean fucking friends.” 

“Man, you don’t know.  You're the one that told me to be just her friend, remember?”  He breathed deep, knowing he was being defensive.  “Plus, she told me about her past sexual history and it’s kind of messed up.  I mean, nothing serious but kind of emotionally stupid.  I think there’s something else, too.  Maybe something with her parents.”

“You would be the expert on fucked-up parental relationships.  Which reminds me, it’s Mother’s Day.  So….”

He stopped everything he was doing and grumbled, “Shit.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you go and figure that one out.”

With a heavy sigh, Justin said “later” into the phone and let it drop onto the counter.  He held onto it and stretched his neck.  The conversation with Bill started light, but ended making his stomach tight and the eggs and milk and cheese that he had pulled out to make an omelet, seemed disgusting and he felt nauseous.

He forced himself to blame it on being hung over, but he knew the truth.  What Bill had told him about Julie made him feel the slightest bit of uneasiness.  But the truth of the matter was he didn't care.  She wasn't going to want him in an intimate way ever and he had gotten over that.

The crux of the entire matter was that it was the one day of the year he had to call his mother.  Sometimes they talked on Christmas, or his birthday, when she called, but he hadn't spoken to her since his dad died.

And whether his dad lived or died, Mother’s Day was always weird for them.  Him and John always felt obligated to call their mother and tell her they loved her.  But it was awkward and forced and strained and somehow they always seemed to catch her in the middle of some grand celebration with her other family. 

The family she wanted. 

Last Mother’s Day they had hung out with just their dad.  In fact, it was something they had done for as long as they had remembered.  It was tradition; they’d get beer and pizza and watch Goodfellas.  And no matter how many times Justin wanted to question it, wanted to bad-mouth his mother, ask her why they weren’t good enough, his father would never, ever let him do it. 

And his father never remarried, never had a serious girlfriend, never even dated that much.  Justin always wondered if his Dad was lonely, or heartbroken over what their mother had done to them, or if he had moved on, moved past, and closed that part of his life off.

Kind of like Julie had.

Maybe this year he wouldn't call.  No one was there to make him do it.  And she probably wouldn't miss it.

And neither would he.

 “So you’re really religious.”  He asked as they jogged around the paved trail at DeMille Park.  She had called him a few minutes after noon, and they had agreed to meet up at 1 at their stores and walk to the park for a run.  She warned him that she never ran and was probably out of shape, but she was keeping up with him pretty good.  He was grateful she was willing to go with him.  He had to get out of the house and get his mind off everything.

“What do you mean by really religious?  Like do I pray every day?  No.  But I believe in God and it’s important to me.”

“I use to go, before dad got sick,” he said, and then paused for a minute.  There were a lot of people out at the park that day.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, bright, sunny.  Some people were taking family pictures in the park by the irises that were in bloom near the pond.  It was good to be out, doing something, talking, not sitting at home wondering where the hell John was and thinking about his parents.   “I mean, not all the time but sometimes.  Dad thought it was important for us to grow up in a church.”

“Well you are always welcome to go with me.  It’s United Methodist, so no snake handling or anything too political.”

“We grew up Lutheran, but I’m not even sure if I know what that means.  I probably should go.  I’ve just been really mad at God for a while.”

“That’s understandable.”

It was quiet between them.  He listened as they both breathed deeply and their sneakers made a soft sound against the pavement.  The park had a 3 mile loop around the pond in the middle.  He normally did weights on the bench they had in the basement for his work out, and wasn’t as obsessed with it as John, but a couple times a week he liked to get in a good run.  He had run this loop a few days before after work, and thought about making it a weekly ritual.  It seemed to bring him clarity more than most other activities.

After a moment, he said, “I doubt a lot, too.”

“Me too.  Like all the time.”  She looked over at him with a smile and wide eyes, shaking her head a little bit.  “In fact this morning’s sermon was on it. I thought it was gonna be all ‘let’s love our moms’ sappy crap, but it wasn’t.   I guess it makes me feel better that it’s a natural part of having faith.”

“We’ve gone a mile and you’re doing great.”

She groaned, “I’m old and my knees hurt.”

“You are not old.”  He laughed at her.

“I’m an old maid.”  Two blonde girls in tight tank tops and tiny shorts ran by them.  They were tall and thin and had greek letters across their chests.  They were attractive, very, very attractive and Justin couldn’t help himself for watching them as they ran past them.

“Oh nice, they’re like 18, you perv.”

“What?”

He didn’t think she would notice, since he had on his sunglasses, but she did.  He was a little embarrassed that she must have seen his head tilt towards them as they passed.

“You totally just turned your head to check out those girls.”

He had to play it off.  But was a little amused if this was Julie’s form of jealousy.  “And?  If we’re going to be buddies you gotta understand what that means.  I might check hot ladies out.”

“Are we buddies?  I mean, we’ve been hanging out a hell of a lot lately.”

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged.  “I just don’t know what other people may be thinking.”

“Who cares?  Screw ‘em.”  He waved his hand in front of them.  “Me and you know where we stand and you gotta realize that I sometimes look at women, because I’m attracted to them. You knew this from the moment we met.”  It was quiet for a moment and he grinned and asked her point blank, “Are you jealous?”

She deadpanned, “That’s hilarious.”

“I can check you out if you want me to.  I mean you are wearing those pants that show your ass off.”

She began to laugh and he slowed down to run behind her and cat call, before coming around the other side.  She slowed down and had her face covered by one of her hands.  “Oh my God, stop embarrassing me.”

“Flaunt what you got, woman!  Be proud of your big booty.” She stopped immediately, bent in half, hands on her knees, not looking at him.  He stopped as well and came over and put his hand on her shoulder.   “Ok, I’m sorry.  Are you ok?”

She glared up at him, “I can’t breathe.  You make me run and then crack me up. Big Booty?  Did you just say that? You know I hurt myself when I go into laughing fits.”

“We’ll walk…here…”  He handed her the bottle of water he had in his hand and watched as she took a long swallow and then she handed it back to him. 

“Thanks.”  She wiped her mouth with her arm and he watched at her eyes locked on to something and she began to smile.   “You must have made an impression.”

“Huh?”

“Those girls.” She nodded and sure enough the sorority girls were circling back around from their run, smiling and giggling, staring right at him.  “Look they are doing laps now, and they are giving you the eye.”

“Oh…”  Suddenly he felt a little embarrassed, more so than before and a little shy.  It was weird, he had never really be one to be shy with women.  He never really felt a need to be.  Open, honest and forward was the way to go if you were interested.  But with Julie here, he felt weird. Plus, they were young, he was just admiring them.

“You can go talk to them.”

“I’m with you.”

She shrugged, “But we’re just friends, remember?  Go chat them up if you are interested.”

“They are young, though.”

“Your loss.”  Immediately she was running again, going in the opposite direction, following the girls and smiling back at him.

“Hey, wait up…”  He ran to catch up and say to her, “I thought you were done running.”

“I’m going to go tell them you’re single and are totally into them.  Maybe they like threesomes.”

“Ok stop it.”  He grabbed at her arm.  “That’s mean!”

“Maybe I’ll write you a special story about it.”

Damn, it had been too long since he had had sex, and he felt his dick go half hard at just the idea of reading another of her stories, and the image of two naked women pressed against each other, and just at the sound of her flirty voice. “Really?  Have you ever done that?”

“No.”  She pushed at his arm a little.  “Remember, my stories are usually about more than just sex.  Threesomes are the epitome of sexual indulgence and getting off to just get off.  I couldn’t even imagine doing that.” He bit his lip and tried to keep the fact that he was now turned on away from the world.  Julie was looking hot all sweaty and in tight clothes, those girls were looking young and bouncy, and he was in desperate need of some physical attention.   “What…” He didn’t realize that he was just staring at her when she said in a whispered tone, “Oh my god, have you been in a threesome?”

“No, I’ve never been that lucky.”

“But see,” she rolled her eyes and shook her head and they began to slowly walk.  “Guys just want it with two girls.  You wouldn’t be interested if another naked guy were there.”

“No, that’d be kind of gay-ish.”

She laughed and took her two pointer fingers and made them flick against each other, “You could sword fight.”

Her childish actions were actually adorable.  Normally he found immaturity a turn off, but with her, it was funny to him because he knew that she knew that she was being ridiculous.  “Ok, stop.”

“You never know if you don’t try.”

“Congratulations,” he said sarcastically, “You have made my penis curl up inside of my body.”  She bent over again and he began to realize, she did this.  She laughed fully a lot, but if something really cracked her up, she couldn’t help but hide her face, grab her chest or stomach and silently laugh.   “You ok?”

“You're just funny. I can’t wait to tell Blake, he’s going to be so offended.”

“He shouldn’t be.  I’m just extremely straight.  I have absolutely nothing against gay people.  I totally believe they are born that way and that’s how God made them.”

“You want me to start singing Lady Gaga.”

“I’m serious.  I’m all for gay rights.  My aunt’s a lesbian.  She lives in Chicago with her partner.  That doesn’t mean that I ever want to do anything with a man ever.  Women are soft and pretty and curvy and…nice.”  He eyed her a little and she was just grinning at him. 

“Your penis feel better there, playboy?”

He laughed fully.  She was ridiculous.  “Can we stop talking about my dick out in public?”

“Please, no one can hear us.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, “You are very interested in it, huh?”

He didn't make a comment when she quickly changed the subject, “I love how we've gone from church and God, to gay rights, to your parts and pieces.”

“That’s a technical term eh?”

“Sure is.”  As she said it, she waved and Justin noticed a guy in his late thirties with black hair running towards them with a smile on his face.  He was an attractive guy, a little shorter than Justin, but fit.

“Who’s that?”

“That’s Scott,” she said simply.

“Who’s Scott?”

Before he could answer, the guy had slowed his run to right in front of them.  His ear buds were hanging over his shoulder and he moved his sunglasses from his face to the top of his head. “Hey Julie,” he said, giving her a small hug.

“Hey, what’s up?”   Justin eyed her and watched as she smiled up at this guy.  Friendly, they were very friendly. 

“Just enjoying the weather.  I didn’t know you ran, I would have asked you to be my partner a long time ago.”

She laughed and shook her head.  “I don’t.  I’m just entertaining him.”  She motioned to him, finally. “Justin, this is my friend Scott.  He’s an English professor at State.”

“Nice to meet you.”  Justin stuck out his hand and the guy shook it hard.  He tried not to act like it was a big deal, but he could tell that this Scott guy was sizing him up.  A smile still on his face, but his eyes were narrowed just slightly towards Justin. 

“Justin’s managing Java now.”

“Oh nice.”  The guy nodded and stared at Justin some more.  “I think I’ve seen you recently, yeah. I'm there almost every morning.”

“And afternoon.”  Julie laughed.

A moment passed and Justin just stared back at this guy.  It was obvious that this guy was judging Justin, sizing him up, wondering who the hell he was.  This Scott guy thought Justin was competition and Justin was very much intrigued. After a moment, the guy smiled right at Julie, eyes bright, “Have you finished Dracula, yet?”

“I’m half way through, I’ve just been really busy lately.”

“You liking it, though?”

“It’s so awesome and very different from what I was expecting.  Not quite scary, but weird and oddly sexy.”  The girl groaned just a little, and if Justin didn’t know any better, he would say that her smile was flirtatious. 

He was starting to figure it out.  These two liked each other.  He could admit that the first feeling he had was jealousy.  But very quickly that faded to intrigue.

 “Well, when you finish let me know so we can talk and I’ll send you my summer reading list—I’m concentrating on bildungsroman.”

“That sounds so awesome.  I can’t wait.”

“Enjoy your day.” Scott waved, put his earbuds back in and took off the other direction.  He didn’t even glance Justin’s way.

Julie fidgeted with her hair, pulling it down from her high pony tail and then putting it back up.  She was walking away from him and he just followed her.  After a few moments just watching her nervous fidgeting, he said, “Mmmhmm..”

“What?” She didn't look at him.

“That guy is so into you.”

She feigned innocence. “What?”

“You cannot be serious, you don’t see it.”  He demanded.  “He was throwing me death glances the whole time but was beaming at you.  Reading lists? Roman Buildlings?”

She laughed and rolled her eyes, “Bildungsroman are coming of age stories. And yeah, he’s my friend.  Ever since I’ve bought the store he exclusively gives me his reading lists for his students, so they pretty much have to come to me to get the correct edition for their class.  In turn, I usually read along with the class.  He’ll come by sometimes and we’ll grab a cup of coffee and talk about the books.  Reading helps me become a more well rounded writer, I believe.  But there’s nothing to it.”

Bull shit, he thought.  Nothing more to it?  Julie was blushing at this guy and her eyes were sparkling. 

“Dracula, eh?”

“He taught a class on the gothic this year.  He specializes in 19th century British lit.”

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes and laugh at her, “So, he’s like every nerdy book girl’s fantasy?  Tall, dark, handsome and reads Jane Austen and all that stuff?”

“Well maybe, but I’m not attracted to him.”

He scoffed and yelled, “You're such a liar!  He’s exactly your type.”

“I don’t have a type, you know this.”  She bit out at him, glaring darkly.  But he wasn't going to let her attitude stop this conversation.

“Has he asked you out before?”

“I mean…”

Justin shook his head.  Poor girl, the guy seemed perfect for her.  Justin was a little jealous that this guy and her could be such a match and were friendly and flirty.  But it made him feel a little better about her that she had men interested in her, that she could be friendly and nice towards men. 

Of course he knew this, she was nice to him, but now, now after their whole debacle, after meeting her that first time at her store and that night on the deck grilling burgers, it gave him hope to see her flirt a little.  She was capable of it.  But at the same time, the fact that he knew she had kept herself from being with such a great match, worried him. “You turned him down?  You really do need to go to the doctor.”

“Stop being an asshole.”  She wasn’t laughing any more.

“But you should be happy, Jules.”

Suddenly, she snapped and he realized this was a button he shouldn’t have pushed.  She stopped in the middle of the path and said through clinched teeth, fists balled tight by her sides, not caring a damn that people running by and pushing strollers were staring at them, “I can’t stand how everyone assumes I need a boyfriend to be happy.  Why is that?  What if I want to be alone?  What's the crime in reading and talking to him about books?  You want the honest truth, Justin, besides books, we have nothing in common and he can be a little boring to me.  He doesn’t like baseball.  And…”  She stopped suddenly and the anger left her and she suddenly looked shy.

“And?” he pried.

“Well,” she sighed and looked up at him, “When he starts flirting, I feel really uncomfortable.  Like most of the time, like with you, when we first met, I was able to just be a bitch.  I’m easily able to do that with stupid boys.” He rolled his eyes at her insult, but she didn't notice, saying. “With him it makes me feel anxious.”

He chewed on his lip, his ego was more than a little bruised, but he was trying to be a friend to her and not the guy she regretted talking to last weekend.  “You think that's because you like him back?”

“I think because part of me knows that I should like him back, but I don’t.” It was hard for him to believe that and she could tell by the look on his face.   “Believe me, everyone else thinks so, too.  Whenever he comes in the store, Nik mysteriously has to go somewhere so she can leave me alone with him.  Whenever she comes back and I’m alone or he’s doing something else she always tells me she’s disappointed.  That she always hopes to come back and find my office door shut and me screaming in ecstasy.  I tell her she’s sick and nuts for fantasizing about my non-existent sex life.”

“Well, you have to make up your own mind and I know things have been weird for you.”  He sighed, thinking back on the night before and how 5 poor ass sexual encounters could damage a girl this much, “Just remember the donut dude.”

“Really?”  She laughed.  “You’re bringing him up.”

“Yes, because remember you told me that you liked him and that you liked being with him and kissing, it was just his stupid blabber mouth.  Well maybe one day a guy will come along that you’ll like being with, and he’ll be a good kisser and he won’t compare you to pastry, or if he does and you laugh at him, he’ll be man enough to laugh with you and keep on.”  She was chewing on his lip when he finished, “You should keep that option open, that’s my humble opinion.”

She sighed and pulled her hair down again, “I appreciate your opinion, I really do.  You know, I just…I’ve kind of become happy being alone in the past few months.  I know I’m weird like that, but it’s…”

“…it’s safe,” he finished for her. 

“Yeah, it is.  Is that bad?”

Yeah, it was, he wanted to say.  She was living in fear.  She had put a distance between herself and finding a partner, a lover, a boyfriend, whatever, just because of fear.  To him, it was sad.  But he didn’t want to tell her that when they had only known each other for a week.  “As long as you are ok and happy, that’s the most important thing, Jules.  That’s all that matters.”

She changed the subject quickly and he was thankful. “We should keep running and go to Smoothie Palace.  Reservations for Mom’s dinner aren’t until 7, so I’m going to starve by then.”

“You really are always thinking about food, huh?”

She grinned at him and shrugged, “You know me!”

He smiled back at her.  Maybe not completely yet, but he was getting there.  She was a complicated mess, but despite all that she still intrigued him and made him laugh.  And he liked her.  He was willing to wait and keep chipping away at this wall of hers until there was no uncertainty and no question and he would know everything there was about her.   He just hoped she was willing to keep opening up to him.

Bill was wrong.  She wasn't using him at all.  The girl didn't have a malicious bone in her body and Justin knew deep down that he probably needed this friendship more than she did.

If anything, he was using her.  He had been a walking disaster until she had shown up and now, maybe as he tried to break down her wall, maybe she'd help build his back up.  One thing was certain, he felt stronger now than he had in months.