Ari leans back in her chair and closes her eyes. She has to get this done before her deadline which is now- she glances at the time - nine hours away. Even though she still has at least six hours of editing work to do, her eyes are crossing and she basically can’t tell the difference between the bride and the groom at this point.
I need to get some sleep.
With a sigh she rubs her eyes and then reaches over to click off the large monitor which is attached to the laptop in front of her. She stretches her arms over her head and then leans back in order to stretch her back. With a groan of pleasure she relaxes once more, resting the back of her neck against the chair as she takes a moment to look around.
She is in her very own office space at JC’s-well, their-house. It’s still difficult for her to call it theirs as she had nothing to do with buying it, but JC has done everything he can to make her feel at home. When they had returned from her brother’s wedding in Nova Scotia, she’d given her landlord notice and within another two weeks she was all moved in. It was a bit weird at first but soon at JC’s insistence they’d gone shopping and came home with a new duvet set, new colorful throw pillows and several different decorative items that they’d picked out together. Although she’d always liked his house and the way it was decorated before, it did at times feel quite masculine and bachelor-esque. Expensive, but still bachelor. So, once they’d picked out some things they both really liked and had added them to different rooms of the house it really helped her feel as if she belonged there as well.
Another significant change is that some of her favorite photographs now hang all over the house. JC had replaced most of the art pieces hanging on the walls, which he’d had no emotional attachment to, with her frames. When she’d come home one day and noticed that change, her heart had doubled in size and it had made her feel like a million bucks. Her favorite one, which he’d also said was his favorite, was a recent piece that now hangs in their bedroom. He’d consented to having her photograph his hands but had insisted that hers be present in the picture as well. It had been an interesting shoot as taking pictures and being in them at the same time wasn’t something she was used to, but it had turned out great. It’s a highly personal piece that will never see light anywhere else but their bedroom and she is more than okay with that.
The icing on the cake had been when after being away for a wedding shoot out of town, she’d returned to have him show her to a room on the second floor. He’d presented it to her as her very own office. He’d made a big deal out of the reveal by making her close her eyes and guiding her into the room himself. When he’d finally let her open her eyes she had been speechless at what she saw.
“I thought it would be nice for you to have your own space. I have my studio, now you can have this room. It’s not huge or anything…but I thought maybe you’d like it?”
Her eyes had taken in the room with its gleaming hardwood floors, the large modern looking built-in desk, the funky art on the walls, the leather couch and the two colorful arm chairs. She’d turned back to find him looking a little sheepish as if he really doubted if she would like it.
“This is absolutely…incredible! Everything is so…perfect. It’s so…me.” She’d grinned and launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing him tight. She had felt him chuckle against her chest and had pulled back to see one of his signature dazzling smiles gracing his beautiful lips. The sheepishness was gone, replaced by an expression of utter pride and happiness. He really was a giver and maybe she didn’t always let him be that, scared that others-- or worse he--would start to think she was taking advantage of him, but this time…this time she’d take it.
“You know me so well.” She’d said before pressing her lips to his in a kiss that tried to convey everything she felt in the moment. The kiss had changed quickly into something else entirely when his arms had wrapped around her waist and pressed her closely to his chest. His hands hadn’t lingered on her waist long before making their way down to her behind where he’d given her ass a healthy squeeze. She’d smiled against his lips before he’d pulled back and started nibbling on her neck gently.
“The salesman said that apparently that couch turns into a bed…” He’d whispered against her skin before his teeth grazed it.
“Oh does it now…maybe we should...check that out…You know, for warranty’s sake.”
From the moment she’d moved in, they had fallen into a comfortable way of living. Their schedules did not conflict too much and they we both pretty laid back when hanging out at home. Although they cleaned up pretty good for this event or that, they were most comfortable at home in their sweats eating popcorn and watching random stuff on TV. She’d felt like everything was finally going to turn out in the end, but lately she’d noticed that he’d been a little moodier. He was quiet, more serious and he also had been spending a lot more time in his studio with the door shut.
About two weeks ago she had come home early after a meeting with a client had been cancelled and decided to make him a nice dinner. It had been a while since they’d sat down at the table together, shared a bottle of wine and just talked instead of watching TV on the couch and gobbling their dinner. He was off with Jimmy that afternoon either at the studio or in a meeting, she couldn’t remember. Either way he usually was home around the same time in the evening when he did either of those things. So, she’d stopped at the grocery store and picked up everything she needed to create his favorite Chinese dishes at home. She’d dimmed the lights, set up some candles on the table, set it with linen napkins and a wine bottle just waiting to be corked. When he didn’t show up around the same time as usual, she didn’t freak, knowing that he sometimes couldn’t control this. If something big were to have come up, he would have texted her to let her know he was planning on being later than usual. After another two hours of waiting she’d finally broken and called him.
“Yeah?” He’d answered in a short, clipped voice. She’d been taken aback at his tone and had taken an extra second to speak.
“Um. Hi. Are you almost on your way home?” She’d asked almost timidly.
“I’m not sure, but don’t wait up.” She could hear talking and music in the background, a rustling sound came through the phone as if he was adjusting it while trying to do something else.
“Where are you?”
“At Coopers. We decided to get some drinks and dinner.”
Oh.
“Oh, okay. I thought you were going to be home earlier. I-um, I guess I’ll see you later then.” She’d felt crushed and had to keep the emotion from her voice. “Love y-“
“Yeah, bye.”
When he’d hung up, she had sat at the table picking at her food and drinking way too much of the wine while a few stray tears slid down her cheeks. She’d known this had been bound to happen at some point, after all he had already told her that he always had a problem sometimes putting the people closest to him on the back burner while he got involved in other things. She’d promised she’d help him learn how to balance life and work and that she wouldn’t go running away at the first sign of trouble. So, she’d actually finished that bottle of wine, cleaned up the dinner and gone to bed promising she’d deal with this one on her own. If it happened again, she’d speak to him about it.
And again it happened, over and over again. She has stopped expecting him for dinner during the week when he is working with Jimmy or on some other project. He seems to be getting more and more distant from her when he is home and he has become even more inattentive. He used to always be really excited to see what she was working on and give his point of view on new work. Now, she can’t remember the last time he’s asked her something about her work. Even in the bedroom where he’s always been a conscientious, attentive and giving lover he’s become somewhat indifferent to anything else but the actual physical act. She can’t even remember the last time he’s called her anything else but the automatic honey he absently uses for all women.
She’d sincerely hoped that he was just working through something big and didn’t want to push him. Of course she’d noticed ever since they’d started dating that he’d retreat inside of himself this way when something was bothering him, but he’d always emerge after a couple of days or even a few hours. This has been going on for a few weeks now and she no longer knows what to think. She doesn’t want to pick and prod or nag. She wants to be supportive and ready to listen when he is ready to share but in the last few days her mind has been betraying her. She’d been over thinking everything and couldn’t keep certain thoughts from popping up in her mind over and over again. Has their relationship gotten too ‘normal’ and routine for him? Has he finally tired of her and now he regrets asking her to move in with him? Is that what he is working through? Is this how he usually operates? Pull away more and more from his girlfriends until they give up and just leave? If that’s the case she doesn’t know how she’ll deal with it. Her attachment and her feelings for him are stronger than she could have ever imagined and if he were to break it off or force her to, she doesn’t know how or if her heart could survive it. It would at the very least never be whole again.
No, she has to stop freaking herself out with this stuff and go to bed. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she’d ask to sit down with him and she would lay everything out on the table. Until then though, she needs sleep. Badly.
With a groan and a final stretch as she stands up, Ari’s bare feet patter across the darkly stained hardwood floor of the office, out into the hall to finally sink into the plush carpeting of their bedroom. She tiptoes around for a moment seeing JC’s dark form on his side of the bed then grabs a clean oversized t-shirt from a drawer and quietly slips into the bathroom to change. After a quick brush of her hair and teeth, she walks back into the bedroom and slowly gets into bed. She sighs contentedly and shifts to get comfortable but just as she is about to drift off, she hears JC say quietly, “It’s not working”.
Ari frowns and turns toward him slowly, her heart starts to beat more quickly and it feels like something wants to crawl up her throat as she asks, “What do you mean?” She bites her lower lip as she waits for him to answer and tears already start to pool in her eyes.
Is this it? Is it over? He’s gotten tired of me? I’m not-
“Girl Radical. It’s not working. I thought it would catch on here but it’s just not…”
Ari’s heart stops for a moment and she releases the breath she was apparently holding, “Oh, I-I’m sorry babe.” She replies, clearing her throat of emotion as her voice wobbles. “Are you sure?” She blinks quickly to rid her eyes of the apparently unneeded tears, “I mean, it took a few years for you boys to catch on here in the US. You had to go to Europe, Canada, everywhere else before…”
“Yeah, I know…but this isn’t the same. It’s a combination of everything I think. We were so…gung-ho about everything. We were young, we had energy, we had drive…we wanted it to work. Nothing was handed to us. Fuck man, I remember dancing and singing and sweating in that airplane hangar for so many hours on end in Florida. With this…”
He sighs and turns onto his back, pulling an arm behind his head while his other arm loosely wraps around Ari. “It’s not the same. Some of the girls really want it, they’re talented and they’ll do the work for it. Others are just…sort of along for the ride. There were only five of us boys to wrangle and deal with in our case and even that was difficult at times. With this there’s almost three times the amount of members and they’re all women. It’s such a different dynamic and definitely not at all what I was expecting.”
As he seems to continue to gather his thoughts, Ari presses closer to his side. She can feel the heat of his bare skin against her cheek as she rests it against his chest, the beating of his heart accelerated slightly.
“Plus, add to that that the market here isn’t anywhere near ready to accept K-Pop right now. I just don’t see it anymore. I think I used to believe that we’d make the market you know, that we’d get people interested and it would catch on. Even if it took a while, we’d still carve out our niche and the girls would work hard and eventually it would blow up.” He sighs again and absently starts to play with the ends of Ari’s hair, “I think I’m finally resigned to the fact that the girls as a group aren’t strong enough to cut it for the possible years it could take for their chance to come around.”
Ari feels his body relax as he finishes his last statement, as if he’d been holding that in for a very long time and had finally been able to let it out.
“Does Jimmy feel the same way?”
He shrugs a shoulder, “Sort of. We’ve been dancing around the subject for at least the last few weeks. I honestly think…” He takes a moment and then speaks again, “I think he’s waiting for me to end it.”
Ari frowns and runs her fingernails softly against the coarse hairs of his chest, “Do you think you’re ready to?”
He stays quiet for a while, actually for long enough that if he still wasn’t playing with the ends of her hair she would have thought he’d fallen asleep.
“Yeah.” He states simply, speaking with a finality that she knows he’s been working on for a while.
“Ok. Well then that’s it. You step back knowing that you did everything you could. You move on to something else.”
He stays quiet again and she can tell that he’s hesitating to speak. Now, in a vulnerable tone she’s never heard him speak in before he says, “What if there isn’t anything else? I just feel like everything I touch lately goes to crap…”
Ari frowns again and leans up on her elbow to reach over his body and turn on his bedside lamp. Once her eyes have adjusted to the dim light, she looks him straight in the eye and shakes her head. “That’s not true, Josh. You know that.” He looks away from her and shrugs again. “No, you’re not doing this. I’m not letting you. Look at me.” With a soft sigh he turns his face toward hers again and meets her eyes, “So what, you’ve put time and energy into a project that didn’t work out. Its success was and isn’t dependent entirely on you. There are so many other people involved and so many other factors that affect its outcome. You can’t just lay blame entirely on your shoulders. I know that’s hard for you to process because that’s just the type of person you are. You give yourself completely to your projects and sometimes they just don’t work out. I know it has to be hard on you and it makes it harder to take on new projects afterwards, but I think…I think you just haven’t found the right one you know? Take me for instance; it usually takes at least ten to twenty frames before I get the right picture. It only rarely happens that my first picture ends up being the one. MMC and *NSYNC got you those first frames but the next phase of your life is just taking you a few more frames, that’s all.”
His eyes lower for a moment but they rise to find hers again, he licks his lower lip before he finally speaks, “Maybe you’re right.” He admits then nods slightly as if her words have sunk in and he now accepts them. “I just get stuck inside my head you know?”
Ari smiles softly and nods, “Yeah, I know. I’ve noticed that the last little while and just wanted to give you time and space to work it out. I figured you’d come to me when you were ready.” She leans down and presses her lips gently to his in an affectionate kiss. “Thank you for sharing.” She kisses his cheek, “You know everything is going to be okay right?”
JC slides his hand slowly up and down her back and finally smiles slightly before he nods, “I think so. Thank you for listening.”
With a nod she kisses him again and then with a sigh lays back down on her back to look up at the ceiling. “And I promise I only freaked out a little while you were being quiet, thinking that you were going to break up with me…”
*******************************************************
JC frowns as he turns on his side to look at her, he can tell in the dim light that her cheeks are slightly red and she seems to be swallowing a lot.
She’s trying not to cry.
“Oh, sweetheart.” He says softly and shakes his head as he hears her try to fake a chuckle at her own statement. “I’m sorry.” He runs a hand over his face and sighs in a frustrated way, “I did it again didn’t I?”
Yep, I did it again. I pushed her away.
He’d promised himself, damn it he’d promised her, that he would work hard at not retreating into himself and push her away when he became involved in something new. It’s just so hard for him, it’s always been his coping mechanism and although it...mostly… worked for him it’s not fair to the people around him.
She shrugs and smiles a little, “It’s okay, I get it. I get you. I figured you were just working through something and I didn’t want to push. You took much longer than usual this time though, so I was getting into my own head thinking that maybe you were starting to get tired of me. You know, we’re getting all…domestic now that I’ve moved in. You’re use to the life you know: fast cars, fast women, big money.”
JC rolls his eyes and laughs, “Yeah, cause that really sounds like my life.” He smiles at her for a moment, and then shakes his head. His expression becomes serious and he reaches over to push some hair from her face. “Seriously, Ari. You need to stop worrying about that. I’m not going anywhere.”
Ari bites her lip and nods, “I think I know that. I just get insecure you know?”
He nods and brushes her cheek with the back of his fingers gently, “You have nothing to be insecure about, honey. You’re smart, you’re gorgeous, you’re funny, and you put up with my weird moods…” He smiles when she cracks her own smile, “I consider you my equal in every way and that’s both comforting and terrifying at the same time. I honestly can’t picture my life without you in it at this point, so again: You don’t have to worry about me breaking up with you. It just isn’t going to happen.” He can tell that she finally relaxes a little and nods.
“I know that in my heart, and I feel the same way as you. It’s just my head that needs a little work…” She chuckles again and he joins in.
“I get that. My head needs a little work too; I can’t believe you didn’t tear it off after a few days. I realize that I can be sort of…an asshole when I’m like that.”
She shrugs, “I’m not really the naggy type and I felt like if I did say something it would come off as naggy. I guess there are a few things we both need to work on: me not going directly to the he’s going to break up with me route when things get a little rough, and you at letting me in or at least not shutting me out so tightly when you’re working through something.”
He nods and nuzzles her neck for a moment as he thinks back to the thoughts he’d had at the beginning of their relationship about thinking she may be the one that would be able to change that in him or at least help him work through it. He’d been right. She hadn’t had a fit or packed up and left, she’d waited for him to work it out and then let him talk it through. This is what he needs, she is what he needs.
For a few more minutes they both just lay there, basking in the intimacy of the aftermath of a deep conversation. When he notices that Ari’s eyes begin to drift closed more often and for longer periods of time, he presses his lips to her cheek gently and whispers into her ear, “Get some sleep, sweetheart. Tomorrow is another day.” With a final press of his lips against hers, he adds “I love you.” before he clicks off the bedside light and pulls her closer to him.
His final thought as he starts to drift off to is that if there’s one thing he’s touching that he isn’t going to mess up, it’s this.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tada! A new chapter! It's a long one so I hope it's worth the wait! I can't believe how many nominations this story has gotten for the Season 8 awards. Thank you to my readers, it makes me feel really good to know that you guys really like this story.
As a side note, if you go through the past chapters you'll notice that I've rewritten all of them. I just tweaked them a little and fixed them up.
Thank you to the amazing elle-miranda for being my beta on this one, your suggestions have made it perfect!
Chapter End Notes:
What do you think? Worth the wait? Reviews are like newly discovered unreleased *NSYNC demos: delightful!
Story Tags: phonesex boyfriendjc showersex jc producerjc
