The rain was imminent.

She stared aimlessly at the passing gray clouds, in search of something. A sign this moment in time was merely a dream. A figment of her imagination running wild that this was the consequence of staying up late and watching those lifetime movies while purging the fridge of all times of greasy left overs. She looked a sign of God’s face simply to say that this is not what it was.

She dropped her eyes from sky and turned to stare straight ahead.  Was there even a God? The God she grew up hearing about was a God that watched over his devoted children. He saved from the fowler and the enemy that lurked in the darkness ready to devour his own creation. That God couldn’t have and wouldn’t let this happen.

She swallowed down a lump in her through as she looked around the limousine. The varies faces, some she saw on a regular and some she saw on special occasions and others she saw on mere accident from time to time. The look of grief, regret and disbelief washed over their face. They would look up for a moment pulling themselves out of their own despair enough to look at her and give a slighter of a smile in hopes to break her from her own pain.

She didn’t speak nor did she return the weak smile. She just stared on with a blank stare void of emotion. She felt numb to all that was happening. It didn’t feel quite real to her yet maybe this was what they called post-traumatic stress disorder she overheard her aunt say to the pastor that visited their house one late afternoon.

She googled it and she would say her findings represented how she felt. Maybe she had this disorder, maybe it was all in her head. But right now, she felt numb and disconnected from those around her. Expect for one.

She felt a hand wrap around her fingers and gripped tightly. She looked down at the slender, small fingers and to the face that occupied them. She stared right into the teary eyes of her little brother; he sat right under her like he never has before in the last couple of days.  She held onto his hand as his eyes cast out the window as the car came to slow crawl right in front a church.

The car stopped and the door shortly after opened. She exited the door with her hand still holding tightly onto her brothers hand as family began to crowd around them. They were ushered towards the church doors with men dressed in fine tailored suits and white gloves covering their hands. As they walked to the doors, she could hear the music playing.  They climbed the few steps and the doors were opened before them.

The pews were filled to the brim and spilled over along the white walls and stained windows. She heard the sniffling and the muffled cries from various people. She felt his hand tighten even more as he stepped closer to her nearly hiding behind her arm. She gave him a gentle squeeze of reassurance.  She drew a deep breath and kept her eyes straight ahead cautiously stepping inside and making her way down the long aisle towards the altar as two open white caskets were set out before the altar surrounded by array of flowers and in the very center two pictures of the people everyone was gathered for.

She could feel the trembling of her hand, but it wasn’t from her own. She dropped her hand and wrapped a secured arm around his shoulders as he dug his fingers into the side of her black pea coat. She continued on her descend towards the front altar. Each step was tortures as the weeping began to get louder behind them. She knew everyone heart was breaking, not from their own grief before her and her brothers. She was determined to be faceless because she knew the moment she lost composure that it went send everyone into cascade of welling and weeping.

She could began to see the faces apart piece by piece over the siding of the caskets. She swallowed down the raising lump that had been trying to force its way up all day. She pushed it back down with a little more force, but it didn’t stop the tears begin to tickle the corners of her eyes. She didn’t dare to blink. As they got closer to tried to find something to distract her enough to gather her slowly unraveling emotions.

She could see their faces, their lifeless faces as though they were in a deep sleep, but she knew they weren’t there. The men dressed in all black moved around beside them while they felt the trembling hands of their aunt standing behind him. They stood mere feet from them and she could hear the muffled cries of her brother as he buried his face into her side.

“Come on Damion come here sweetie its okay.”

She turned to see the pastor wife wrapped her thick arms around him as he covered his face with his hands and turned away from the caskets.  She looked up into the First lady’s face as she had tears streaming down her face as well.

“Go on LeToya, I’ve got him sweetheart.”

LeToya looked on for a minute before turning back around as the men guided her towards the first casket to her right. She stepped closer to peer down inside as she took in the face of the man she once called father. She looked over his large statue as he laid in a neatly pressed blue suit with a lighter colored tie. He looked just as he always did every Sunday Morning for church, well put together. The tears began to swell once more,” I’m going to miss you daddy.”

She drew herself back blink back her tears and turned to face as she was lead towards the other one. She could feel her heart pounding against her rib cage as she stepped over and peered down into the other taking in the sight of her mother.

She was pure beautiful dressed in a laced off white long sleeved gown. Her brown hair curled tightly and framed around her light brown skin. Her hands folded over her stomach covered in lace gloves. Her make-up was kept at a minimal which always how she worn it. She was flawless alone. LeToya drew a shaky breath as she placed a hand on her quivering stomach.

” What am I supposed to do without you?” She whispered over the casket. She stood there waiting for answer that she knew would never come, but she asked again a bit louder.

“What am I supposed to do without you?” Her voice crackling as she repeated It over and over again with every breath her voice falling her, until she forced it out in a bellow cry.

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITHOUT YOU!?” She gripped the side of the casket causing it to shake. Quickly her hands were pried from it and bodies were surrounding her, distancing her from the casket and blocking her view. It began to be difficult to breathe with every passing moment as she cried hysterically as the voices around her beg her to breath. Her legs gave way causing to fall to the ground, the grip of her arms by others breaking her fall a bit.

Through the swarm of people, she got a look at the wooden large cross that stood tall behind the caskets as she struggled to breath she stared at it whispering within herself, before her body gave way to the lack of oxygen and her vision went black.

How could you do this to me?

What am I supposed to do now?

A voice whispered back into the darkness.

Be STRONG!