December 25, 2014

10:15pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY


I haven’t thought about work at all, and that’s a first for me on Christmas night.  Normally I’d be gathering my notes and preparing myself for any end of year business that needed attention in the morning.  Not today though.  There’s been no room for it.  

The only thing I’ve been able to focus on, has been Justin.  I know Fay was right in what she said.  He doesn’t have a single person in his life that he can count on to be there for him now that she’s gone.  His parents are entirely too self absorbed to deal with how much this is effecting their son, and Tyler…Tyler is just a child.  He can’t grasp his own emotions, let alone his Uncles.

If I wasn’t here, he’d be completely alone, and that scares and angers me all in one.  It’s not right.  You’re supposed to be able to depend on your family during times of crisis.  I mean, my parents and I aren’t huge talkers, but at the end of the day they would be there for me if I was in need.  I’ve been thinking about them a lot today, and my sister too.  When I get back home, I think I’m going to make plans to visit them.  I want to tell my parents how much I love them, and try to be closer with my sister because she’s the only one I’ve got.

If nothing else, Justin has taught me that family is precious and they can be ripped away from you in a second.

Watching the EMT’s load Fay onto a stretcher and cart her out of the house brought Justin to his knees in the middle of the living room.  He just couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t blame him.  I was still holding tightly onto Tyler, while he cried into my side.  For some reason he felt safe with me, and I didn’t take it for granted.  I knew Justin and Fay would rather me comfort him, than have their parents try to do it.

It’s been hours since then.  Justin has been on and off the phone all day, arguing with his father about Tyler and talking to Fay’s doctors about what’s going on with her.  He hasn’t told me much, but I haven’t asked a lot of questions.  I kept Tyler busy, opening his presents with him so his mind could be taken away from the fact that his mother isn’t here anymore.  It didn’t really help.  Tyler barely smiled, and he went up to bed a little while ago on his own.  He told us he was tired, but we knew otherwise.  Justin went up to tuck him in, but it didn’t take long for him to return.  He told me that Tyler fell asleep quickly, most likely exhausted from the emotions of the day.  

“I meant to give you a really nice stress free holiday.” Justin sits down next to me on the couch and sighs heavily.  “It’s been anything but that, and I know I can’t make it up to you.”

“Nothing that happened today was your fault.”  I stroke his face gently and put my best smile on for him.  “It was just bad timing, that’s all.”

He nods slightly.

“Besides, coming home with you wasn’t all bad.  We had our moments.”  

He manages a small smirk.  “Several moments.”

“How did Fay settle in, did they tell you anything?”

He shrugs.  “I mean, she’s there, at Verdan.  She has a private apartment and everything, but it’s not like she can get up and walk around.  Her doctor told me they are going to give her eye scan technology that she can use to communicate with going forward, but I have no idea what that is or how it works.  Inside she’s my sister, nothing has changed, she just can’t move or talk.  This will help I guess, but I know Fay.  She’s going to feel like a prisoner, and I…I can’t do anything to help her this time.  Then my father keeps calling me about Tyler.  He wanted to take him today…I mean, fuck, Fay just left.  I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.”    He shakes his head roughly.  “I don’t know what’s going to happen now.  I don’t know if I can hang on to Tyler for much longer, because I know my father and he’s going to do whatever he has to, so he can get his way.”

“You’re going to fight,” I whisper.  

“Yeah.”

I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s falling apart inside.  But do I yell at him? I don’t think I can.  I saw what happened to him today.  He basically lost the only family that’s ever gave a damn about him. In the coming days, he could fall into an even deeper depression, and I doubt that will leave him the energy to tend to a severely traumatized nine year old.  Still, Tyler’s place is here with his Uncle.  That’s where he’s the happiest, and Justin’s father is only going to try to turn him into an elitist, a miniature version of himself, and Tyler is too young to grow up so fast.  

“I know it’s hard.” I slowly take his hand and lace my fingers through his.  “And the next few days are going to be even harder, but that kid is probably the most important person in your life right now.  If you let your father take him away, it’ll kill you.”

“What if he’s right,” Justin murmurs.

“What’d you mean?”

“I mean, what if my father is right? If I sign on for the partnership, when will I be home to spend quality time with Tyler? I know how cases can go and how wrapped up I get in them.  Is it fair to make him wait around for me, and have Matilda babysit him until I get home? I mean, as it is, I’d probably have to ask her to move in here.  The more I think about it, the more my father is starting to make sense, and I…I fucking hate that.  You have no idea, Mags.  I don’t want him to be right, but at the end of the day, I just want what’s best for Tyler.”

“It’s what Fay wanted though,” I whisper.  “She wanted you to take care of her son.”

“I know that, but when you’re sick, you’re desperate.  We both hate our father, and she never wanted him to get control of her son.  Things don’t always work out the way you want them to.”

“You’re quit…”

“I’m not quitting!” He rips his hand from mine and gives me a dark look.  “Maggie can’t you just listen to me for five seconds! Jesus, you meet my sister once and automatically side with her on this!  I’d love nothing more than to be Tylers whole family, but if I take the promotion I won’t be able to give him much of a family life! That’s all I’m saying! At least if he’s away at school he’ll have people around him.  Strangers, yes, but they’ll be his age and I’m praying he’ll be as social as his mother was when we were away at school.  It might be good for him.  I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it this way until now.”

I get it.  I do.  Fay has just been so determined to make things work out with Justin and Tyler, that I can’t help but stick up for her.  I can’ t blame her, but perhaps, deep down, she knew things wouldn’t work if Justin took a promotion.  He’s making complete sense right now, and it’s crazy, because he’s had such a trying couple of days.  

“I’m sorry.”

He sighs heavily, and puts an arm around me.  “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I was putting pressure on you for no reason.  It’s not my place, Justin.”

He kisses the side of my forehead.  “You still want to stick around?”

I chuckle slightly.  “I couldn’t tear myself away from you now if I tried.”

“When you said you loved me…”

“I meant it.” I snuggle into his chest, and stare out at the glowing Christmas tree.  “I still mean it.”

“Are you going to the office tomorrow?”

I feel his lips on the top of my head, kissing me tenderly, and I know the only thing I want to do, is stay right by his side.  “Not if you want me to stay.”

“I need you with me when I go see Fay tomorrow.”

I look up at him.  “Then I’ll be here.”

He smiles, and it’s the first really genuine one I’ve seen on his face all day.  “So that stuff I was saying about not having time for Tyler, there’s a way around that.  I should have brought this out before, but I was frustrated…and acting like a jerk.”

“Understandable.  What’s the brilliant idea?”

“I could quit.”

“You’re not serious.” I whisper, stroking his cheek gently.  “You’ve killed yourself for that place.”

“I have enough saved to start my own business,” he nods.  “I’ve had the money saved for years.  I haven’t touched it, and I haven’t told anyone.  Not even Fay.”

I sit up a little bit.  “What kind of business?”

“A restaurant.  Out in Montauk.  I’ve had my eye on the land for about a year and a half.”  He licks his lips.  “It scares me, that I could probably break ground in a couple of months.  I have a few investors who told me they would jump in as soon as I made the phone call.  They said if things work out, we could probably open a second location in Midtown.”

A restaurant in the Hamptons mixed with Justin’s cooking would equal a cash cow beyond anyone’s imagination.  He has the heart and the drive, he’s just scared.  A part of him is still that little boy that listens to his Daddy.  I already know how badly he needs to make this change, not only for the good of Tyler, but for himself as well.  Cooking is his passion, not practicing law, that’s more than obvious.  

“Justin,” I smile.  “You have to do this.”

“I’ve never gone into something blind.  Law guaranteed me a future.  Restaurants can be risky.”

“You’re not blind.  And how the hell is it a risk? Have you tasted your food?”

He chuckles.  “It’s not that good.”

“Are you kidding? I went to five course dinners in the city with Hunter that didn’t taste as good as your prime rib.  You have a gift, Justin.  Fuck, you need to use it.  I know Fay would want you to do this.  I bet you didn’t tell her because she would have nagged you about it, right?”

“She would have,” he nods.  “I just wanted to keep it to myself for awhile.  At least until she had to move out.  I really wanted them to give you the partnership.  If they had, it would have given me the perfect opportunity to leave.”

“They were never going to give me that partnership.  They never will.”

“I know,” he sighs, and then meets my gaze again.  “That’s why I…I would want you to come with me, if I do this.”

“Come with you?”

“Yeah, you know…work with me.  We could be partners.  You’re really good with the business end of things.  I’ve been watching you, all these years.  I could run the kitchen and you could handle the financial aspects of the day to day business.  We’d split all the profits after the investors get their cut.”

The past week has been a lot for me to grasp.  Between being a mess over Hunter, having Justin come to my rescue when I was drunk in a bathtub, to coming home for Christmas and falling in love with him, I would say I have a lot to think about as it is.  Now he wants me to quit the firm to help him start his restaurant? I don’t know whether I should be flattered or terrified.  I know I love him.  I know that now, even if we’ve moved a little fast.  I’ve known him too long, and my feeling have always been there.  It just took the holidays to bring them out of me once and for all.

But am I ready to give up a law career? I know my days at Harrison and Fink are numbered, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my career back where it should be somewhere else.

“Mags?”

He’s waiting for me to answer him.  

“It’s a pretty big decision, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I’d say so,” he frowns.  “Since I’d be walking away from my career too.”

“Justin…come on.” I narrow my eyes at him.  “I’m not saying no, I’m just saying I need to think about it.  It’s been a crazy day.  Let’s focus on getting through tomorrow, and then we can talk about work, all right?”

He sighs into his hands.  “You must think I’m crazy.”

“No crazier than I’m sure you thought I was, when you found me in that bathtub.  You’re confused and your mind is taking you in ten different directions.  I know how that feels.  You just want to…escape everything, somehow.  It takes a good friend to slow you down.  Thankfully, I had one, and now, you do too.”

He’s able to look up at me after a few moments, and the smirk finds its way onto his lips.  “Are you saying we’re even?”

I nod.  “For now, Timberlake.”

He leans forward, and gently presses his lips to mine, letting them linger for just moments before he pulls away and smiles for me once again.  “Thank you, Mags.”

“Anytime.”

He pulls me to my feet and before I know it, we’re upstairs again, right outside his bedroom, being careful not to wake Tyler before he leads me inside.  I’m not nervous tonight.  Tonight this feels ordinary, going to bed with him.

Tonight, there’s no where else I’d rather be.
************
December 29, 2014

3:30pm

Verdan Long Term Care

Brookville, NY

Barry didn’t ask questions when I called him the morning after Christmas, and he didn’t mention my partnership decision either.  The tone he used with me when I informed him that Maggie was with me and neither of us would be returning to work for at least a week, told me Benjamin had already filled him in about the situation.  He sent his condolences and said if I needed Maggie for support, that was fine.  All he asked is that we let him know when we were ready to come back to the office.

I don’t even know if I’ll be returning, but no one at the office needs to know know that right now.

I guess it’s easier this way.  Crying during a phone conversation with your boss is never cool, even when they like you as much as Barry likes me.

It’s been an adjustment, getting used to Fay how she is now. The past five days have been a challenge for all of us, and it’s been all I could do to keep myself from losing it in front of my nephew.  Naturally, he’s been asking me a ton of questions.  He doesn’t understand why a computer has to speak for his mother now, or why she can’t turn to look at him, or smile.  It’s been really hard trying to make him understand, and I’ve had to have Fay’s doctor step in a couple of times to make the situation less confusing for him.  I know he’s still lost despite my efforts. He’s so young and it’s going to take a long time before he’ll start to be comfortable with the situation.

The thing is, I really don’t know if Fay has that much time left.  I haven’t said those words to anyone, not even Mags.  I guess I can’t face it right now, what the next phase is for Fay, because I know it’s going to be death.  There’s no getting around that.

I just hope to God that we can have one more year.  Or even close to it.

SO SAD BROTHER

:(

The robotic voice fills my ears and it gets me to sit up taller in my seat at her bedside.  A large yellow sad face has shown up on the screen in front of her, and I can’t hold back the smile that creeps across my lips.  “That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

I CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT SOME DRAMA

I laugh.  I actually laugh, and it’s a first for me.  For some reason I’m starting to get used to this.  I guess it’s because we can still talk, in a way, and her personality is still there, despite the fact that it’s all computerized.  I glance at her, expecting to see her little smirk, but it’s not there.  She stares straight ahead, her mouth hanging open, in a catatonic daze.  In the matter of a few days, she lost the remaining control of her head and neck, and is now completely paralyzed from head to toe.  She can blink and move her eyes, and thank God, because otherwise she wouldn’t be able to communicate like this.  The doctors don’t know how long this part of her will last, but I’m praying for as much time as possible.  Her breathing has been severely effected because of the paralysis to her chest muscles, and various tubes run out of her nose and mouth, making her look strangely alien.

She’s still here though.  Alive.  That’s all that matters now.

TYLER?

“Mom took him down to the cafeteria to eat some lunch.”  I reach out and rub the top of her hand, even though she can’t feel it.  “He’ll be back later.”

DID YOU TALK ABOUT CUSTODY?

It would be so easy to lie to her at this stage.  It might be better for her, health wise, if she didn’t know what was going on.  But I’ve never been able to lie to my sister.  We’ve always been very in sync, each others whole family, and lying to her now would make me feel like I’ve turned into my father.

“We’re figuring it out, Fay.”

I DO NOT WANT HIM SENT AWAY

I look down at my lap, the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.  I don’t know what to tell her.  I talked to Benjamin.  We talked about a lot of things that day, and a lot of things were said that I’d never had the courage to dish out to him before.  It’s all Mags.  She gave me a type of strength I never knew I had.  I promised her I would hold my head high that day we agreed to meet and talk about things, that I wouldn’t back down, and I didn’t.  I presented my case very well, almost like I would have in court, while defending a client.  I think I shocked him.  He never saw that side of me coming.  I’ve always been entirely too intimidated.

He’s sort of backed off, hasn’t tried to come take him from me or force me to deliver him to the house, like he was on Christmas Eve.  He’s still hounding me about boarding school, shoving pamphlets and informations booklets at me anytime he sees me.  He wants me to make an appointment with the school that Fay and I attended.  He thinks it’ll do Tyler some good to see the place, that maybe he’ll want to go there on his own, which of course, would make his life so much easier.

I can’t do it.  I can’t bring him to that place and ask him to live there, no matter what my career choice is.  Maybe it’s selfish, wanting him there.

He’s my only real link to Fay now that she’s like this, I know that’s the biggest reason I don’t want him to go.  Is it the best thing for him? I have no idea, and that makes me hate myself.  I don’t want to make selfish decisions when it comes to Tyler.  My parents did when it came to Fay and I, and I’ve never forgiven them.  I want him to be happy.  I have to figure out the best way to make that happen.

“Can I ask you something, without you flying off the handle?”

IT DEPENDS

I roll my eyes.  “Did you ever think, it might be good for him, to go away to school?”

IT WOULD NOT BE GOOD FOR HIM

“Think about it,” I whisper.  “He’ll be around kids his own age, and it’ll take his mind off of…things.”

OFF OF ME

“That’s not what I mean.”

THEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN JUSTIN

I sigh and rub my hands together, choosing my words wisely.  “If I take the partnership, when will I be home to spend time with him? Weekends? How is that fair?  He shouldn’t have to rely on Matilda for everything.  I’m supposed to be the one raising him, but…I can’t, not the way I want to, if I sign on to the firm.”

The robot voice doesn’t respond right away, and I sit in silence at her bedside for a very long time.  I know she’s taking in what I’ve said.  I should have come to my senses sooner, shouldn’t have let it get to this point, but I couldn’t have known that she would…fall apart, on Christmas Day.  

I WANT HIM TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  I WANT HIM TO HAVE WHAT WE DID NOT HAVE.

“Fay, he already does.  He’s happier than we ever were at his age.  I just think we need to look at this school thing more realistically. I’m not saying I agree with Benj…with Dad.  I’m just trying to do what’s best for Tyler.”

YOU ARE TRYING TO DISTRACT HIM.  WHEN WILL HE BE ABLE TO COME HERE IF HE IS AWAY AT SCHOOL? I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE.

“Fay I’d never keep him away from you for long. I’d make sure he could come at least twice a week, maybe even more.  I’d take as much time as I needed off of work…hell, I’ll take a sabbatical as long as you’re…here.  I have plenty of resources, and the firm will pay me for the time I’m gone.”

WHAT DOES MAGGIE SAY?

My mind is kind of blown.  She barely knows Mags, and all of a sudden her opinion matters.  “Why does it matter what Maggie says?”

I LIKE HER, AND SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.  I KNOW YOU LOVE HER TOO.  HER OPINION COUNTS.

I feel my cheeks begin to burn.  “She…she thinks boarding school might be good on a social scale, for him…if I take the partnership.”

ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT NOT TAKING IT?

I shrug, but then I realize she can’t see me doing it.  “Maybe.”

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

“I’ve been sort of thinking about a business.  My own business.”

A RESTAURANT

My mouth hangs open for a few moments.  I’m a little surprised.  She never said anything to me about this before.  “How did you know?”

YOU ARE BAD AT HIDING PAPERWORK IN THE HOUSE.  I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING WHEN I SAW THE DOCUMENTS.  I DID NOT WANT TO PRESSURE YOU.  I HAVE WANTED TO TELL YOU ALL ALONG, TO GO FOR IT.  WALK AWAY FROM THE FIRM.  IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN KEEP TYLER WITH YOU, AND IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL BE TRULY HAPPY.  DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

“Yeah but Dad…”

YOU HAVE TO STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS.  YOU ARE A GROWN MAN.  YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CAREER CHOICES.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY.

“I-I don’t want to promise you anything,” I whisper.  “What if I can’t keep my word?”

YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD.  YOU ALWAYS HAVE.

She’s right.  I know if I went into this, I wouldn’t look back.  I would put my heart and soul into the business, be happy, and one day, pass it along to Tyler.  God willing, Maggie would decide to be my partner.  We could work together and be happy.  It’s this picture perfect vision in my mind.  Nothing is ever that simple of course.

But I have to try.  For Fay, I have to try.

“So what…I just tell Barry ‘thanks for everything’ and walk away?”

BASICALLY.  THOSE JERKS DESERVE TO SCRAMBLE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I laugh.  Frozen in place, laid up in bed and all, she’s still my sister.

DO WHAT YOU LOVE JUSTIN

I nod.  “I will.”

“Look who’s here!”

I look over my shoulder and see Tyler standing in the doorway next to my mother, Benjamin looming behind them.  I know my time alone with my sister is over, and it’s their turn now.

“I love you, Fay,” I whisper.

I LOVE YOU TOO

I head to the door, and ruffle Tyler’s hair a bit.  My mother smiles her waxy smile at me, but for the first time in years, it seems genuine.  When she kisses my cheek it feels different than it has for the last thirty years, and I start to think that maybe this is a good change for the two of us.  

“How is she?” My mother whispers.

“Talkative as ever,” I chuckle.

“Wonderful.” She wipes some of her lipstick off my cheek.  “Do you want to go talk to Mommy, Ty?”

“Yeah!”  He smiles, excited as she leads him over to the bedside, and soon enough Fay is in full on robotic conversation with her son.  He barely seems to notice, he’s just happy to be talking to his mother.

It’s better than nothing.

“Justin.”

I look back at Benjamin, and nod.  “Sir.”

“Have you given anymore thought to our conversation?”

“Some.” I shrug.  “I have a few ideas, I’m just making some final decisions.”

“Such as?”

“I’ll let you know when I’m ready,” I nod.  “Happy New Year.  Is Tyler sleeping at your place tonight?”

“Your mother would like to spend the New Years holidays with him, three or four days.”

“I think that’s a good compromise.  I have a lot of things I need to get in order before I take a trip back to the office.  I’ll pick him up on Friday.”

“Yes, Friday.” My father nods, and simply brushes past me.  He doesn’t look back.
I’ll never have a real relationship with the man, but the fact that we can compromise after all of this, is a miracle in itself.  As I walk out of the room I feel a small sense of accomplishment.  I’m sure when I see Benjamin again, it will be to tell him that I’ve decided to turn my back on the law.

But I won’t regret it.

“Hey.”  

She’s standing in the waiting room, smiling for me when I reach her.  I go to her, immediately wrapping her up in my arms.  Nothing feels better than this.  Nothing in the entire world.  “Hey,” I smile.

“Did you break the news to him?”

“Not yet, but Fay and I talked about it, and she’s on board with the restaurant thing.  She even asked me what you thought about it,” I laugh.  “She likes you.  Breaking the news to Benjamin will come later in the week, but I think I’m going to be okay with whatever his reaction is.  He doesn’t intimidate me as much now.  I just…I can’t live in fear of him anymore, you know? You showed me that.”

“I’m proud of you.” She presses her forehead against mine and smiles.  “I’ve never been prouder, actually.”

“So I guess I’m going to open a restaurant,” I laugh.  “And cook for people.  It’s a scary thought…other people eating my food.  They might hate it.”

“Not possible.” She laughs and kisses me on the lips.  “In fact, just to keep your culinary skills on point, I’m demanding a steak dinner tonight.”

“Oh really?” I raise an eyebrow.  “What’s in it for me?”

 “You’ll just have to wait and see,” she smiles.  “But I think it might be something along the lines of joining forces with a new entrepreneur.”

My heart skips a beat “You want to…come work with me?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and…I spoke to my family last night.  I’ve never really been one for over the phone heart to hearts, but my folks seemed to want to listen to what I had to say.  They think it’s great that I want to try something new, and…they told me that they aren’t disappointed about me leaving Hunter.  It felt good to talk to them, you know? I don’t think I would have if you hadn’t shown me how important family is.  No one has ever been able to open my eyes like this and…I don’t want to give you up, you know?”

I stare at her, at this woman who I never thought in a million years would be here with me right now, and I can’t help but think that she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known.  “Partners,” I smile.

“Yeah.” She leans in and kisses me gently.  “Partners.”