February 20,2015
9:15am
Lake Effect Diner
3165 Main St, Buffalo, New York
Changing nearly everything about your life over a week long holiday is pretty crazy. I can’t lie, most people would have told me that I was about to enter one of those ‘hot for a second’ microwave relationships that I would regret later on. I’m sure they would have also told me walking away from a law career for a semi secure restaurant prospect was idiotic. Hell, Hunter told me that I was a fool when he came around asking questions after New Years. Luckily, I had so much confidence instilled in me by my boyfriend, and his sister, that nothing could have brought me down.
I basically told Hunter that he was an idiot for not taking our relationship seriously. Then I threw his pink diamond at him, and sent him on his way. We haven’t spoken since, not that it matters, too much has been going on for me to dwell on that.
Justin and I floored Barry and Lawrence. We decided that resigning at the same time would have more of an effect on them than if we did it at separate times. I never thought Lawrence was capable of begging like that, and it took all of my stamina not to crack up laughing in his face. Later, at happy hour, Justin and I would do our best imitations of them, and nothing would ever feel so care free.
Our relationship definitely hasn’t been just ‘hot for a second’. We fell in love with each other on Christmas, and our feelings grew even stronger over the New Years holiday. Without a kid in the house, needless to say, we were able to discover “everything” about one another. Now, at the end of February, I couldn’t picture life without him. Justin decided it would be a “good idea” if I moved into his house in Oyster Bay. He said it would be better for business, but I knew otherwise. He needed me there, at his side, so I got out of my rathole studio, and took my share of the apartment that Hunter and I had leased together. Justin helped me with the paperwork, and when Hunter threatened to fight me for my share, it only took Justin mentioning a law suit to make him back down and give me what was mine (about fifty thousand dollars).
One thing every New Yorker knows, is that you should never mess with a Timberlake in a court room.
That money was what was holding me back from getting a nice place of my own, but now that I have it, I don’t even need to look, because I’m settled in at Justin’s and he makes sure my place is right next to him every night when we go to bed and when we wake up in the morning. I’ve never had anyone love me like he does, and I wish I would have realized his feelings for me sooner, but even if I had, I doubt I would have left Hunter right away.
My parents have been eager to meet Justin but we’ve been so busy starting the ground work for the restaurant we haven’t had a chance to make plans with them. This weekend will be our chance. Justin and I are going to Boston with Tyler so they can meet my family, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Justin so excited about anything before. He begged me to put him on the phone with my mother, and they ended up talking for a little more than an hour. It’s amazing how they’ve clicked, but I shouldn’t be so surprised. Justin has one of the best personalities around, and I know my parents are going to fall in love the second they meet him.
I’m so lucky. At times, I feel like I don’t deserve a guy like him. I feel like I can’t repay him for all the things he’s done for me, but then he tells me that I’m his miracle. That I’ve been the one person to keep him sane during the hardest moments of his life, and I guess…he’s right.
I hate to admit it.
Fay is worse.
Her rapid decline has baffled me. I’ve researched ALS a lot over the past month, and found that Fay’s case is one of the most severe ones out there. Some people live ten or twenty years with the disease, and Fay is at the final stages after just a year. I feel like our hands are tied. There’s nothing anyone can do to help her. I’d give anything to have her back in her wheelchair, bickering with Justin and making small talk with me. I barely got the chance to know her, and it’s heart wrenching to see her the way she is now. The robotic voice was working really well for a few weeks. We would go and talk to her, and it almost seemed normal. Tyler was even used to visiting his mom that way. For awhile, it seemed like things were going to carry on that way, and be tolerable.
Then one day she just couldn’t do it anymore. She lost control over her eye movement, so the computer is useless. Fay can’t speak to us anymore, all she’s able to do is lie there in bed. It’s devastating, and despite how strong Justin has tried to remain, I know he’s starting to fall apart inside. He’s started drinking more, trying his best to hide it from me, but I know better…I was like that once. I see his bloodshot eyes, his fatigue, and the stench of stale booze on his breath is something that never seems to go away. I don’t say anything.
Maybe I should. I just don’t have the heart, because he never pressured me when I was like that.
There’s been talks about taking her off the ventilator, about what’s the most ‘humane’ thing. Before all of this, Fay wrote out her will and a message about what she wanted to happen if she could no longer speak or function on her own. She put in writing that she wanted to be taken off the ventilator and be at peace. Justin never saw the document, and when his father sat him down and showed it to him, he practically lost his mind. Naturally, he’s been doing everything in his power to override his sisters wishes. He’s been in several screaming matches with his father over the subject. Despite her condition, he knows his sister is alive on the inside. He says it would be the same as killing her, but even her doctors disagree. Her breathing is now solely controlled by a machine. She has no quality of life, and she never wanted things to be this way.
I don’t know how I feel about it. I know her brain is fully functional, but she can’t tell us what she wants. She can’t do anything. What’s the best thing? To let her live out the rest of her days as a vegetable? I doubt it’s my place to have a say, but I guess…what Fay wants or…would have wanted, should override anyone else’s opinion. Even Justin’s.
We’ve taken a few days off from the job site to go up to Valley Hill. It’s the same school that Justin and Fay attended when they were young, and Justin has been convinced for the past couple of weeks that sending Tyler away is the only option. He says he doesn’t have the time he thought he would have to spend with his nephew, only I know different.
I know he’s just pushing him away. Fay was right. This is what he does, and I don’t know if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t exactly pushed me away yet, but I feel like theres been a change. Of course he loves me, of course he’s here for me, but there’s been a slight difference between us since we got up here. He’s been very quiet at the hotel, losing himself in a television show while I’ve been working on spreadsheets for the restaurant. I’ve caught him sneaking out of the hotel room late at night to go down to the bar, and last night, he stumbled into bed around four in the morning.
I still haven’t said anything. I guess I just love him too much.
“Coffee?”
I smile at the waitress. “Please.”
Justin says nothing as she fills our respective mugs, and it’s only when she leaves us to our menu selection, that I say something. “You don’t have to do this.”
He flips through the pages of the school contract briefly, before gently placing it down on the table and looking into my eyes. “It’s the best thing for right now.”
“It doesn’t have to be. I said I would help. Hell Justin, Matilda even agreed to stay on and take care of him, no questions asked.”
“I can’t have him around like I am.” Justin rubs his face harshly with his hands. “And I’m not going to leave him with my parents.”
Justin has changed when it comes to his nephew. Now, instead of playing with him, and making him feel loved, he seems to push him away every chance he gets. I know what it is. It’s painful for him to interact with Tyler, because he’s so much like Fay. I can’t be angry with Justin. He’s handling this situation the best way he knows how, but at the same time, I feel bad for Tyler. He’s sort of stuck in the middle of all this, and Justin sending him away to school is only giving his father what he’s always wanted. It’s not benefitting anyone else.
“I just feel like…you can work through this. It’s going to be painful for awhile but I know that eventually you’ll realize how much you want him around.”
Justin shakes his head. “I’m not going to put Tyler through all of this in the meantime, Mags. It’s not a place for a kid.”
“He’s your nephew. I guess I wish you would just remember what Fay always wanted.”
He starts pouring sugar in his coffee and mixing it around. “I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but you barely know my sister. She wants certain things, yes, but she doesn’t think about the difficulties that come with those choices.”
“You sound like your father.” It just slips out, because I’m disgusted with the way he’s just talked to me.
He stares back at me. “What?”
“You do.” I take a gulp of coffee. “That’s exactly what he would have said to you. I guess he’s getting what he wants.”
“Maggie what the hell are you talking about?” He grunts. “My points are valid.”
“You’re scared.” I hiss. “It’s nothing more than that. You're in pain, and you’re pushing Tyler away. Part of me wonders how long it will take before you start doing the same thing to me. I mean, you’re already drinking every day of the week now. What happens when Fay finally passes away?”
“Shut up.” He says darkly.
“That day is coming.” I say it bluntly, because there is no other choice. “I know you don’t want to accept it, but it is, whether she’s pulled off of the ventilator of if she passes on her own. You’re not prepared, and I wish there was a way I could help you, but lately, you’re not letting me. You’re not letting anyone. You tuck it all away and allow us to have a great relationship outside of Fay, but how much longer do you think you can keep it up, Justin? Do you expect me to stick around when you completely break down and shut yourself away from the world?”
“Fuck where the hell is this coming from? I take you to breakfast and this is what our conversation is going to be about?”
I shake my head gently. “I should have said all of this days ago. Between the restaurant and trips to Verdan…I guess we haven’t had the chance to sit down like this.”
“It just…it doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head roughly. “My mind is made up. He’s going to that school, and I’ll deal with Fay in my own way, if that’s okay with you.”
“In your own way?”
“Yeah.” He won’t look up at me now.
“I thought we were in this together, Justin.”
He shrugs. “I love you. You know that.”
“You have a real funny way of showing it.”
“Is your sister a vegetable?” He looks at me now, his eyes not sad, but angry. Angry at me. “You have your family. Your parents are awesome and only want the best thing for you. I have no family Mags. My parents may as well live on another planet, and Fay is basically gone. I’m alone. What do you expect me to do?”
“Not take it out on me.”
The anger fades from his eyes. I know I’ve struck a cord with him, but it shouldn’t have had to go this far.
“I’ll see you back at the room.” I get up and grab my purse, completely willing to get a cab back to our hotel.
“Mags.”
I walk away from him and out of the diner, standing in the middle of the parking lot as I pull out my phone and start looking up the numbers of cab companies, trying to keep my tears at bay.
I never thought he’d be the one to make me cry.
“Maggie!”
I feel him behind me, but I don’t tear my gaze from my phone. I want to leave. I want to just…let him suffer on his own.
But does that make me a quitter too?
“Mags.”
His hand his on my shoulder, and I feel myself give in. “What,” I rasp, and turn to face him.
“Shit, I thought you were really going to leave.” He laughs nervously.
“I should have.”
“I…” He looks down at the ground. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been through a relationship with someone that was all about himself, Justin. I spent eight years catering to him. I won’t do it again.”
“Look, you’re the last person in the world I want to be without.” He takes my hands in his finally and looks me in the eyes. “I just…back there…I lost it. I wasn’t thinking, and when you walked away, I knew that I’d made a huge mistake talking to you like that.”
“I guess I’m just afraid of what might happen when things get worse.”
“So am I.”
He’s being honest with me. With as much heartache as he has, I should be happy that he can be, but at the same time…it hurts to hear him say those words. It means he doesn’t know what our relationship is going to be like once Fay passes away and he has to deal with it. Should I be afraid? I really don’t know.
“Mags I don’t know what’s going to happen.” His voice trembles slightly. “All I know is that I won’t make it a day without you here with me. If you leave, I may as well forget the restaurant, because I wouldn’t have the heart to do it without you.”
I nod slightly. “I’m just warning you, I guess. I won’t put up with what happened back there for long. I want to help you through those moods, but…I won’t let you talk down to me like that. I’ll walk away. I…I love you, but I will.”
“Understood.” He smooths his hand over my cheek and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“Justin.” I lick my lips nervously.
“Yeah baby.”
“You have to stop drinking.”
“I know.”
I look into his eyes, and find that they’re glistening with tears. “It’s scaring me. You’re worse than I used to be.”
“I don’t know what else to do.” He whispers. “I don’t want to…take Fay off the ventilator, but I know I have to. Drinking has turned into an escape for me.”
“It can’t be.” I shake my head. “You understand why. I almost fell over the edge, and you were the one that brought me back from that. Please don’t lose yourself that way, Justin. You’re better than that.”
“I’m sorry.” He whispers, and leans in, burying his face into me. “Mags I’m so sorry.”
I hold him tight as he sobs into my shoulder, and let out a long breath. It’s the biggest breakthrough I’ve had with him in weeks, and I have to understand what kind of pressure he’s been under. He really does love me, that’s more than obvious. He ran after me when I walked out that door, and that proves how much he still values us. I think I may have set him straight.
I hope it lasts.
“Mags.”
He’s pulled away from me now.
“Yeah?”
“You love me right?”
I laugh a little. “I think we’ve established that.”
He nods and digs into his pocket. “I sort of had another reason for bringing you to breakfast, although, I fucking ruined it, but I thought I could start over.”
I feel a heavy weight on my chest as he pulls the thing out of his pocket. “Justin what are you doing?”
“If it’s a no, then I’ll have to live with it.” He gets down on one knee and opens the box. “Maggie…”
“Oh God.”
Right now? He’s lost his mind.
“Let me ask before you say that.”
He’s laughing. This is the man that I love. This is the relationship that I value more than anything in the world right now, and I know when he asks me, I’m not going to be able to say no.
“Let’s get married, Mags.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry I've been such a MIA terrible person Hollie! I promise you will have a completed story one of these days!
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