December 3, 2015

12:20pm

Rockefeller Center- The GE Building

30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10111

“So I’ve come up with Candace, Claire, or Claudia.”

I cradle the phone in the crook of my neck while I balance my breifcase and purse in my arms.  “What’s with all the C’s?”

“Well I figured it would be a good fit, you know? I have Ava, and Benjamin. I thought a C name would go nicely.”

“Or did you decide alphabetizing by age would make your life easier?”

She laughs out loud.  “Am I that obvious?”

“Totally, but you wouldn’t be so good at this mom thing otherwise. You label, laminate, and color coordinate.  I could never keep up with that.”

“It takes a special sort of woman to do it,” she snickers.  “These things can’t be taught.  It’s an art form, being a good housewife.”

My sister is pregnant with baby number three, and has two months to go.  One thing I haven’t minded, is getting closer to her this year, and I only have one person to thank for giving me the inspiration to do it.

I try as hard as I can not to think about him.  It hurts too much.  I want to hate Justin for what he did, but I can’t.  He wasn’t the same guy once Fay reached that final stage.  It was just…this shell of him that I was left with.  He was no longer the one I had fallen for, no longer the one who made me giddy with laughter after work.  That one was never coming back to me, and so,  I barely fought back when he ended things with me. I felt had no choice but to walk away for the welfare of my future.

I stayed in Boston with my folks for a few months after I moved out of Justin’s place, and while they didn’t question things, they casually dropped their feelings about my horrible luck with boyfriends whenever they could.  I was set up on quite a few dates that I smiled my way through but thought nothing of the next day, and took some more law courses in my spare time.  I decided that corporate law wasn’t the best field for me.  For one it was stressful, and I guess…I knew if I ever wanted to work in New York City as a lawyer and steer clear of Justin Timberlake, getting out of the corporate realm was the best way to do it.

Was I hiding from him like a wimp? Probably, but only because I knew if I saw him again, I might do something regrettable, like forgive him and go to happy hour, and I couldn’t do that.  I’d given myself a chance with Justin, given my heart to him, my faith, and my reputation.  I had fallen completely in love with him, he’d taken complete advantage of me, and smashed my heart to bits.  I would never let him do that to me again.  He was the one who taught me how to avoid letting a jerk weasel his way back into my life, after all, and that’s all he is to me now…a jerk.

I mostly practice entertainment law now.  I like it because it’s easy work, cut and dry, the only downside being the attitude of the clients, but I deal with it the best I can.  I’ve discovered I can be pretty tough, now that I don’t have Barry and Lawrence ridiculing me every damn day.  My boss at the firm is a middle aged white woman named Doreen, and she couldn’t love me any more if she tried.  She has complete faith in me, lets me do my job the way I’m most comfortable, and I’ve never been happier at a firm my entire career.  Another plus, there’s as much money in this as corporate law, sometimes more, depending on who I’m representing.  I recently bought a two thousand square foot apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan.  A hundred and fifty thousand dollar two bedroom with an amazing view of the empire state building.  I paid cash.

Life is good, even though I’m alone.

I currently have six clients on my roster.  Two host a day time talk show called City Points with Tad and Hannah, which has recently claimed the number three spot in NBC New York’s daytime ratings. Tad Avery isn’t as well known, he came from commercial work and this is his first hosting type of gig.  Hannah Monroe, on the other hand, has been drifting through the NBC morning news circuit for years, doing special segments on fashion and media, among other things, and this is her first big solo break.  They both bring something to the show that keep the public interested, and there’s rumors about bringing the show national just like The Today Show and Live! With Kelly and Michael.  Hannah’s sweet girl next door personality and charisma make her relatable to almost anyone, while Tad sits back with those cute dimples and much needed subtleness that keeps horny housewives curious enough to keep watching.  I spend a lot of my mornings and afternoons on set with them and their managers, going over endorsement deals and contractual agreements.  It’s easier if I go to the studio since their schedules are all over the place right now, but I don’t mind rearranging my days for them.  They’re both such nice people compared to the actors and musicians I work with who are temperamental as fuck and constantly want me at their beck and call.

Needless to say, my weeks are usually jam packed, but I like it that way.  There’s no time for distractions, well, except when Tad is begging me to go to dinner with him.  I tell him I don’t date clients, but shit, one more surprise bouquet of flowers on my desk and I might just have to give in.  He’s pretty sweet, even for a talk show host.  He got divorced last year, but as I’ve come to realize, that happens a lot in the entertainment world.  He’s not fake, and actually, we’ve discovered that we have a lot to talk about during down time.  At the end of the day, he seems like a really nice, genuine guy.

I’m just not so sure I’m ready to start dating again.

Hannah brings my romantic prospect up every chance she can.  She says that we can go on a double date with her and her fiancé whenever I decide to give in.  He had open heart surgery this year, and a minor heart attack due to complications from it almost a month and a half ago that left her very jumpy.  She seems obsessed with trying to find ways to keep him active and get him out of the house, and even does a once a week segment on the show about heart health, hoping he’ll tune in.  She really does love him, and I have yet to meet him, but I’m praying he cherishes her just as much and realizes how much she dotes on him.  He’s some kind of litigator, which helps me to understand the heart surgery thing.  High stress jobs don’t bode well on the body.  She’s such a sweetheart that I’m ready to give in just to help her out, but I don’t know where that would leave Tad and I at the end of the night.

That makes me nervous, but she’s not just my client, she’s a friend, and I know I would do the same for her if the situation were reversed.  Hell, she’s even asked me to be in her wedding in April.  If she didn’t think it was good match with Tad she wouldn’t ask me to do this every morning that she sees me.

Maybe I should just live a little.  Not every guy is out to hurt me.  Justin wasn’t even out to hurt me initially…it just ended up that way in the end.

Right.  I’ll take the date.  I’ll tell her today.

“Sherrie, I gotta go,” I tell my sister as I push my way through the revolving door at 30 Rock.  “Can I call you tonight?”

“Yeah, I still need your help with the name thing, and the shower.  Are you still coming out this weekend?”

“It depends on work.”  I reach the elevators and wait in the mass of people for the doors to open up.  It’s middle of lunch hour, but the only chance I’ve had today to get down and see Hannah and Tad, which means fighting the masses and eating on the run.  “But I’m going to try.  I love you okay?”

“I love you too.  Make sure you let me know about any interesting date prospects.  What’s going on with that cute tv guy?”

I roll my eyes.  “I don’t know yet,” I say it and feel my cheeks burning.  

“Well you work on that.  You’re too sexy and successful to be having such a bad run.”

“Will do.  I gotta go, my elevator is here, love you.”

“Love you!  Bye!”

I click off and step onto the elevator with half a dozen television producers and I think…Jimmy Fallon?  Hm, he’s very cute up close.  I smile and make a mental note to tell Sherrie tonight.  She’ll die.  I’d totally ask for an autograph for her, but I try to maintain my professional demeanor when I’m here.  Maybe Hannah can get me one.  Good call.

The elevator doors ding open and I rush out with the mob, digging my ham and cheese croissant out of my purse on the way down to the studio where City Points is filmed.  I spot Hannah Monroe right away once I’m through the doors, and she squeals a little bit, jumping up and down slightly in her little silver stilettos as she rushes over to me.  My croissant is half hanging out of my mouth, definitely not the way I want to be portrayed while she’s looking fucking amazing with her blond hair curled to perfection and flawless make up, not to mention that little dress that hugs her in all the right spots.

I’d kill for her body.  She tells me about all this juice cleansing and kick boxing she does to stay fit.  The juice cleansing is newer for her.  She started it more so for her fiance's sake, so he would have to do it too, but she tells me it does wonders for her skin.  Juice isn’t really something I have time to study, but I did go with her once to try the kick boxing cardio thing.  I thought I was going to die, and was sore for days afterward, but she didn’t hold it against me.  

It’s weird to admit it, but, she's turned into one of my very best friends. 

I never thought I’d have another one after Justin.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so glad you’re here!” She grins brightly and gives me a tight hug around the neck.  “Did you eat yet?”

“Well…” I show her my pathetic half eaten croissant-which.  “Sort of. I had a lot of meetings today.”

“No bother, my fiancé is bringing us all lunch from that new place, you know…the one that has the juice bar and the little vegan sandwiches?”

There’s about a million places in New York City that have juice bars and vegan sandwiches, but still, I smile.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I told him that our lawyer was coming so he said he would just pick up something extra.  You like kale right?”

“Oh…sure?”

She giggles.  “It’s so great because we can set up that double date since he’ll be here.  He won’t be able to say no in front of you.  I’ve mentioned it to him for weeks now, but he just blows it off, you know how men are.”

“Oh…yeah.”

“So we’ll do it right? I mean, you should see Tad, he’s like this lost little puppy trying to figure out a way to get you to date him.  I think he sent more flowers to your office this morning.”

“He did.” I can’t suppress my smile.  “He’s sweet, really.”

“Look I know you’ve told me that you haven’t had the best luck with relationships, but I really think that you should give him a chance.  He was devastated when he got divorced, but after a little while, he got back on that horse.  You have to, you know?”

“Yeah…”

“So it’s done. Tonight maybe? How about that?  We’re already in the city and Justin’s firm is only about ten blocks from here. He can just meet us wherever we decide to go.  There’s this amazing Thai place on forty ninth.  They have an awesome vegan menu and I won’t allow Justin to even look at any other types of restaurant food at this point.  Does that sound okay?”

“Justin?”

“My fiancé,” she chuckles.  “Sorry, have I really just called him my fiance this whole time?"

"Sort of."

 "I'm such a dope," she laughs.  "Didn’t I ever show you a picture?”

“Oh…no…”

Queasy.  I shouldn't be queasy.

“I put a new one on the dressing room vanity today.  He normally hates pictures but he was in the right mood the other day and I got what I wanted.”  She giggles slightly as she walks me toward the mirror and picks up the new framed photograph of the two of them.  “He’s the cutest thing, that’s why I put up with the moody as shit attitude he gets now and then.”

I take the picture and my heart sinks when I’m forced to accept the inevitable.

Really?

Justin’s smile is forced, that’s the first thing I notice.  It’s forced, and I can tell that he’s tired…or sick.  I guess both.

Heart surgery.

The bile rises in my throat and I suddenly have no desire at all to share this vegan lunch with them, or a Thai date night.

But what do I do? Fucking run away from my best friend? This girl has been nothing but a complete sweetheart to me from the get go, and she’s only trying to help me.  That’s all she ever seems to want to do…help me, help Tad, help her fiancé, help the viewers at home.  That’s just her personality, all day long.  I don’t think she has a ton of friends, simply because she’s much too busy, and it’s obviously a project getting Justin do to much of anything with her these days.

I hate that I’m so fucking worried about him, but I can’t be afraid.  I’ve moved on with my life, and obviously, so has he, in a ton of ways that aren’t really any of my business.  I should be able to handle this professionally, and wish him luck, if nothing else, because we’re not a part of each others lives anymore.

“Hey.”

She turns.  “Baby! Hi!”

I look on as she clip clops across the studio and over to where he’s standing with the handled bag that contains lunch.  His shoulders are sagged like he’s completely exhausted, and he’s less than enthusiastic as she wraps her arms around him and gives him a passionate kiss on the mouth.  I can tell it’s Justin going through the motions.  He seems numb, and distant, removed.  I want to feel bad for him.

But I’m still so angry.

He hasn’t noticed me, that’s obvious, because he’s still in his own world as Hannah drags him over to be introduced to me.  I just stand there, waiting for the inevitable, with a forced smile.

“Baby this is…”

“Mags?”

I look him in the eyes this time.  In an instant, his entire demeanor has changed.  I expected him to be glaring, cold, and angry.  He’s the complete opposite.  He’s smiling, the way he used to when he was my best friend, and I can tell he’s not forcing it.  “Hey.”

For just moments she seems shocked, but then her infamous warm smile breaks out across her face again and I know she’s back to normal and doesn’t hate me.  “Babe you…you know Maggie?”

“Yeah uh…”  He pauses and licks his lips, his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink.  “We were at Harrison and Fink together…five years.”

He neglects to tell her the other part.  That we were in love, that we were going to get married, before he started to slip, use drugs, and push me away.  No matter, it’s not like I was going to put any of that out there right now.  I have no idea how Hannah would take that news, and I’m not ready to give up our friendship.  I’m not going to let Justin take one more thing away from me.  “Yeah, we were like a team for a little while.” I force another smile and narrow my eyes at him slightly.

He seems to remember himself then, and his confidence falls away.

“Oh my gosh how perfect!” Hannah gasps.  “We’ll have loads to talk about at dinner! What a small world!”

“Dinner?”  Justin hides his true emotions completely, but won’t look me in the eye anymore as he gently puts a hand at the crook of Hannah’s waist and pulls her toward him.  

“Yeah…you know…Tad has a little crush on Maggie, so I thought we could kind of help them break the ice and do dinner.” She smiles and pecks him on the lips.  “I know you don’t have a late night.”

“Babe I just…”

“Don’t start.” She grits it out, and it seems to force him to back down.

“Yeah, dinner.”  He chuckles half heartedly.  “Sounds great.”  He kisses her forehead.  “Let’s eat huh?”  He barely glances at me, before heading over to the sitting area in the corner of the studio.

She’s in complete control of him, that’s more than obvious.  I begin to wonder if she’s always treated him this way, or if it’s just something that’s started recently, because of his health complications.  I mean, they can’t have been together all that long.  I left him in April, now it’s December, and they’re already set to get married next April.  That’s quick…

It must be his father.  That’s the only thing I can think of.  He introduced them.  Her family must be friends with Justin’s family.  That’s how they do things.  He’s rushed into this partially because of his father and I guess…

I guess she’s there for him.

I stop in my tracks for a moment while Hannah goes on ahead and joins him at the table, pulling the lunches out of the bag, checking Justin’s carefully for whatever it is he’s not supposed to be eating before she allows him to have his food.  

She’s there for him.  She’s the only one, because his shit attitude pushed anyone else who might have cared far away.  Hannah Monroe isn’t one to be pushed away though.  She gets what she wants, despite being a sweet girl on the exterior.  So Justin uses that.  He doesn’t have to be alone as long as he has her.  He doesn’t really love her and he never will.  It doesn’t matter to him though.  He’s turned into his father, more worried about business and bloodlines than having a true, meaningful relationship that will make him happy.

I want to ask him about his heart, how he got this sick, but it scares me to think of the reasons.  It scares me to think about what happened to him after I left, what he might have done to himself, because if I know the truth, I might blame myself.

But it wasn’t my fault.  It’s not like he gave me a choice.  I couldn’t just stick around and he…he broke it off with me.  He told me he couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t get married to me.

But he can go off and marry her?

“Maggie? Are you okay?”

Hannah is smiling at me, and Justin is digging his fork around in his salad miserably.

“Just fine.”  I flash a dazzling smile.

Professional Maggie takes over, and I make myself cross the studio and join them.  Hannah immerses me in conversation immediately after I start eating  It’s much easier than I thought it would be, letting Justin fade into the background with his bean sprout, spinach, and tofu salad, while Hannah and I begin to discuss business prospects.  He says nothing at all, barely makes a sound until our meals are finished, like some kind of obedient dog.  I figure that Hannah has trained him very well about patience, manners, what she will and won’t tolerate, and what it will take to ensure that she never leaves him.  I think he puts up with it, due to his health and the fact that he probably couldn’t take one more blow, even if his feelings for her aren’t genuine.

I shouldn’t be guessing things about their personal life.  It’s really kind of sick.  

I steal a glance at the diamond on her finger.  It’s beautiful, a Tiffany cut, much more elaborate than the one he’d chosen for me.  It’s a show piece really, designed to prove something about himself to her.

I never needed anything like that though, and he knew it.

It starts to make me so fucking angry, but I quickly calm myself down.  No. I can’t let it get to me.  He doesn’t matter to me anymore.

“So tonight, at seven thirty?” Hannah smiles at me, the excitement growing in her eyes.  “I’ll get all the details to Tad, and the three of us will meet you at the restaurant.  How does that sound?”

“It sounds…great.” I force it out, steal a glance at Justin, but he’s staring off into space now, his salad only half picked through, the tofu glistening under the studio spotlights.  “I’ll be there.”

“Baby isn’t this exciting?” Hannah giggles and the bridge of her nose wrinkles up slightly, a signal that she’s really happy about all of this.  “We get to play match maker and have a date night all in one!”

His smile is there in less than a second.  “Can’t wait.”  He leans across the small table and gives her a kiss.  “I gotta get back, all right?”

Damn.  She’s got him trained to a science.

She kisses him back and grins.  “I’ll see you later baby.  Maggie, would you mind walking him out? I have to change for the health segment. We’re pre filming today, but if you don’t mind hanging around, I need to go over some things with you after.”

“My schedule is clear,” I nod.  “No problem.”

“You’re the best.”  She hugs me quickly, and then races off with one of the producers stationed at the other end of the studio.

Now it’s just me and him.  Well, me and my best friends fiancé, rather.  I feel horrible.  I have to figure out a way to tell her that I used to be engaged to the guy she’s about to marry, because I know Justin, and he won’t tell her if he feels he can get away with it, and that’s not fair.  She’s a good person, albeit a little hyper, but a good person who I respect.

“I can get myself out,” Justin tells me.  “I do it every afternoon.  She’s afraid if I’m alone I’ll have a heart attack and nobody will find me in time, that’s all.  I’ve been having a good run this week though, so, don’t bother.”  He begins to pick up the empty food containers, as I’m sure Hannah expected him to do, and dropping them inside the handled bag.  “It’s uh…it’s nice to see you though, Mags.  You—uh—you look great.”

I roll my eyes and start to help him with the trash.  “Spare me the niceties, okay?”

He shrugs.  “Well I wasn’t making it up.”

“Look.”

He pauses and stares at me.

“This this is awkward for you.  This is awkward for me. But she’s a really good friend of mine, and hell, I dunno, If I’d known you were dating Hannah Monroe maybe I wouldn’t have gotten as close with her.  The point is, I have, and I’m not exactly ready to give up a friendship, because of you.  So lets just act like the old work colleagues that you’ve managed to make her believe we are, and move on.”

He laughs slightly.  “Whoa, relax.  I’m not getting in the middle of your girl time with my fiancé.  It hasn’t exactly been that long, but I’ve been through…a lot, too much I guess, because it feels like what happened between us, happened years ago.  All I’m doing right now is taking one day at a time, because she’s demanded it, and she’s there for me, every day.  She takes care of me, hell, she pre orders my lunch for me before I can go pick it up.  She cares, and I’m really trying to care about her too.  I’m not the same person I was before, but I’m trying to learn to be…I dunno, better? Maybe spiritual is a better word…”

“Spritual?” I try to hold in my laughter.

“Yeah.”

“You’re not spiritual.”

“Yeah I am.  I do yoga now.”

“You?”

“Yeah, with a mat, and an instructor.  It’s couples Yoga, and my entire Tuesday and Thursday night.  That’s gotta count as spiritual.”

“Jesus.”

His smile breaks free and he laughs at me. I see a flash of him how I remember.  Happy hour Justin laughing with me over some stupid wisecrack.

My heart begins to ache.

“My doctor says it’s good for me, so naturally, Hannah demands I go.  I’m trying to make her think I’ve bought into all this rejuvenation crap so she’ll let me watch the Knicks game on the weekends and possibly have a beer once a month.  That’s what my life has come down to now, little bonuses, because I don’t get to control anything in my life outside of the firm anymore.  I have a pace maker, heart complications…possibly another surgery in a few months if things don’t improve more, so I can’t afford to stress or take on more than I can handle.  I’ve promised her that I wouldn’t, and so, she does it all.  I don’t complain, because it makes her happy, and I don’t know how to make her happy otherwise, because I’m a complete fuck up when it comes to that.”  He leans in closer to me.  “Hannah aside Mags…it’s just…it’s nice to see you.  It’s nice and…I’d like to be friends with you, if that’s even possible.”

“You know I’m in your wedding right?”

He stares at me for several moments, at a loss for words.  “Invited?”

“In the wedding party, Justin,” I groan.  “I’m a bridesmaid.  I just started looking at dresses with her…” I trail off and shake my head.  “How the fuck are we supposed to be friends like it’s nothing?”

He runs a hand through his hair and blows out a breath.  “Oh.”

“Yeah.”  I shake my head slightly, and pick my purse up from the table.  

“You haven’t even told me what you’ve been up to.”

I sigh harshly, hating that he’s pushed the subject of his wedding under the rug.  “What does it matter? I have to get things sorted for Hannah…”

“You don’t have five minutes?  You said you’d walk me out anyway.”

I roll my eyes at him.  I don’t want to give in, don’t want to make small talk with him as we walk back outside.  But I know Justin, and he won’t quit until I give him something, and if I have to see him again tonight for dinner, I may as well play nice for my friend’s sake.  “Whatever, fine.”

We take the elevator down and walk outside to the center of Rockefeller Plaza, stopping at the top of the ice rink.  Justin looks out and observes the skaters and the tourists milling around for several moments, and I do the same, praying he’ll simply tell me that he has to leave, but he never does.  

“So.”

“So?”  I look down at the railing and rub my hand across it, trying to focus my attention elsewhere.

“You’re obviously working.”

“Wallace and Akerman.”

“That entertainment firm?  I’ve heard good things.”

“They’re great.  I make three times as much as I did at Fink and Harrison.  They’ve been talking to me about a partnership, so we’ll see.”

“It’ll happen,” he nods.  “They’d be crazy not to do it.”

I shrug.  “I’m not worried about it.  Somebody once told me that a partnership isn’t the only thing that matters.”

He smirks slightly.  “Sounds like a smart guy.”

“He was.  I haven’t heard from him in awhile.”

He grows serious.  “I haven’t either.”

Awkward silence looms over us, and I’m about to tell him I have to get back, but then he starts to speak again.

“It’s actually Harrison, Fink, and Timberlake now.”

“They still gave it to you?” My eyes widen slightly, but I can’t say I’m surprised.  “I mean…what about the restaurant?”

“I sold off my share a long time ago.  As for the firm, my father had to step in and help, but yes they gave it to me.”

Right.  That explains it.  “Well…that’s great Justin.  Congratulations.  You must be happy.”

“Yeah.”  He stares out at the rink again.  “It’s the same as always, just a bigger office and a bigger paycheck.  Where are you staying? Out on the island or…”  

“I just bought an apartment on the lower east side.”

“Nice.” He nods.  “Sounds like you have it all together, Mags.”

“Yeah.”  I try to smile but it doesn’t work. I just want to cry, because as much as I hate it, I know a part of me will always love him. “Will you…I mean, you’re going to be okay right? With your heart?”

“For now,” he nods slightly.  “I was a fucking idiot and messed it up, so I suppose I deserve to live this way.  I get a different answer about whats actually going on with me every couple of weeks, but I’m doing what I can to keep myself healthy in spite of that.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what I’d do if…”

“Maggie I’m going to be okay.”  He turns to me, concern riddling his expression, and looks deep into my eyes.  “I promise, all right?”

“Yeah.”  I press my lips together and look back out over the rink again.

He lets out a long breath.  “I’m sorry, Mags.” He says it after awhile, soft and sad.  “I really am.”

I nod slightly.  “I know you are.”

He rubs my shoulder for a quick second, but I shrug away even faster. 

“See you tonight then?" he asks.

“Oh…yeah.”

A flash of a smile breaks across his face, and then it’s gone.  “It really is— great to see you again.”

I watch him go, hands shoved into the pockets of his overcoat, and I think about how close I came to being with him for the rest of my life. My heart begins to ache again, because I miss how we were, how he was…and I’ll admit, how I was.  Even I know I’ve changed.  I’m a little more closed off, much more headstrong and professional.  I don’t kick back much.  Actually, Hannah is one of the only people I have any kind of fun with anymore.

And now this.  Now Justin.  How can I handle it? Being around him constantly, having to deal with forcing smiles, feeling his eyes on me, and stopping myself from staring at him, from letting him take my breath away.  It won’t work.  It can’t.  I should tell Hannah, but I don’t want to do that either.

I’m as trapped as he is now.