May 1, 2016

3:15pm

Jupiter 21- Luxury Apartments

21 East 1st Street New York, NY 10003

When I told Hannah I would go in Elijah’s place, I didn’t expect her reaction.  I thought she was going to start crying, but somehow, she held it together.  She rambled on about how worried she’s been, how he was so weak, how he didn’t get out of the house anymore because he couldn’t really do it on his own, and she was at the studio so much.

I’m worried about him.  More worried than I’ve ever been before.  I just…I get this feeling sometimes, that he could be gone just like Fay if things don’t change.

I can’t think about it.  I force myself not to.  

“You’re going out to the Island? Now?  We’re all going out to Montauk this weekend, doesn’t Hannah realize you’ll see him then?”

“She’s just worried,” I sigh.  “We all are, Tad.”

He turns his back to me, and says nothing, just pours his coffee and stirs in the fixings.  I know he’s angry.  He only ignores me when he’s angry, and he never gets angry at me, really.

“Tad?”

“I hate the way he looks at you.”

I chuckle and shake my head a little.  “What are you talking about?”

He finally turns back to me, his eyes sad, his shoulders slumped in obvious defeat.  It tells me he’s not really going to fight me on this.  He always lets me have my way.  At the same time though, he’s not happy with my choice.  “It just…it makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t want you to be alone with him.”

“Babe, come on.”  I move across the kitchen and take the coffee mug out of his hand, placing it behind him on the counter so I can drape my arms over his shoulders and caress the back of his neck as I stare into his eyes.  “You have nothing to worry about.  He’s latched onto your co host and has a lot of other things to concentrate on besides me.  I’m just taking him for a walk, so he can get some air.  That’s all it is.  He’s a friend, and Hannah asked me to do him a favor.  Wouldn’t you do the same thing if Hannah asked you to?”

“She wouldn’t ask me to do this.  I’ve never been close with him, you know that.” He rolls his eyes slightly, but pulls me closer to him.  “You’re just…I guess I get a little possessive of you sometimes,” he admits, reluctantly.  “I don’t want some other guy trying to hit on you.”

“Justin isn’t trying anything.  I’ve known the guy for years…before I knew Hannah or you, so just relax okay?”  I peck him on the lips.  “I love you.  Nothing is going to change that.”

He sighs heavily, but it seems to ease his insecurities slightly.  “I’ve never understood your whole…history with him.  I guess that’s my biggest problem.”

I feel the beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead as the pangs of guilt begin to surge through my body, and I gently tug myself out of his grasp.  In the beginning of this whole “reunion” Justin and I agreed not to say anything.  We knew it would be easier on the two people who had taken such an interest in us, if we keep the truth from them.  Justin may not have the most traditional relationship with Hannah, but he doesn’t want to hurt her, or make things awkward between her and I.  It’s the same thing with Tad.  I know he would feel weird around Justin if he knew we used to be together.  

But it doesn’t make it right, keeping secrets from them.

“It’s a co worker history,” I tell him quickly.

“Seems like it was more, the way he talks to you sometimes.”

I’m such a bad liar.  I know what he means.  Of course I know what he means.  I used to catch it all the time, at dinner, at random meetings at the studio, on group outings with the four of us.  He could never seem to keep his eyes off of me for long.  In fact, before the attack, I was getting up the guts to say something.  I wanted to tell him he had to stop, because it was distracting…because it was scaring me.  I would find myself staring right back at him all too often, catching myself in a small smile, even when Tad was right there next to me.  Justin was changing for the better before the attack, personality wise.  He was starting to act like the guy I used to know, smiling the more I saw him, joking around with me, even with Hannah.  She seemed happier than she ever had been with him, and for a while, I really though things were about to turn around for Justin.  That he was going to move on.

Then, just like that, everything fell apart, and he was back to square one.  This time though, he has yet to bounce back from it all.  Bedridden half the time, and no choice but to work from home, his cabin fever has gotten way out of hand.  I’ve only seen him a couple of times since he was released from the hospital, and each time he’s looked worse, paler, more exhausted and much weaker. Naturally, his attitude has taken on a personality all it’s own.  He’s more miserable than I’ve ever seen him.  

Justin’s birthday is Saturday and Hannah has set up a gathering at her families beach house in Montauk to celebrate.  It’s a last ditch effort for her to get him smiling and involved in conversation.  I really don’t know if it’s going to work, and she’ll be crushed if it doesn’t.  If nothing else, I intend on talking to Justin about it today.  I’m going to tell him how important this is to Hannah, how hard she’s planned, how much she’s confided in me about it.  I’m hoping it’ll give him a wake up call, and really want to make him try.  I want him to see how much she loves him, even though, that doesn’t mean he’s just going to drop everything and consider her the greatest love of his life.

I hate to admit it…but I know he still has feelings for me, and while he would never admit that to me, it has to be tearing him apart.

It might be one of his biggest problems, those feelings, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I’m with someone else now.

I’m happy.

Tad treats me like a queen, and has since the first time we were given the chance to be alone on a date together.  He holds doors, pulls out seats, pays for everything, and is completely willing to try new things.  Needless to say, it wasn’t hard for me to fall for him.  I realized how lonely I was when he started coming around more than a couple of times a week.  Before I knew it, I never wanted him to leave, and six months later, he had moved into my apartment.  It’s been really nice, having him here.  He dotes on me every single day, brings me flowers every chance he gets, and constantly plans surprise weekend trips and little dinners for us that completely throw me off guard.  He keeps hinting at it…that we’ll get married in the next year or two.  I barely say anything.  I’ve been engaged too many times to trust that it will actually happen.  I’m content with the way things are…

But I know Tad won’t be satisfied until that ring is on my finger, we say our vows, and buy a house in suburban Long Island.

I guess I want that too.  But if I do, then why am I rushing off to tend to Justin? I have my own life, and Tad’s feelings about this should come first.  I won’t let him stand in the way of my visit though.  Does that mean something is off? Wrong with my relationship?

I won’t admit the truth, and that’s very bad.  I don’t want to hurt this man, because he’s probably the nicest one I’ve ever been with, or will ever be with.  

He’s not Justin though.

Nobody will ever be like Justin.  I mean, the Justin I knew.  The one that could bounce me back from some of the worst days I ever had, give me good advice, and throw his arm around me at the bar, drowning any issue out with a stupid joke and cute grin.

I miss him.

“Just promise me you’ll be home at a decent hour.” Tad huffs.  “All right?”

“Eight thirty, the latest.” I promise him with a small nod and bright smile, finishing it off with a long, slow kiss on his lips.  “And that’s with train time.”

“All right.”  He kisses me back with more force, and slowly pulls himself out of my arms so he can throw his blazer on.  “Call me on your way back?  I shouldn’t be at the studio long so I’ll fix dinner.”

“Sure.”  

He comes over and gives me a final kiss on the cheek.  “I’m sorry.”  He searches my eyes for a minute.  “Sometimes, I guess…I still can’t believe that I get to be with you.”

He can melt hearts.  That’s why the network resigned him to a multi million dollar contract.  I know the only heart he really wants to melt is mine though.  “I love you too.”

“I’ll see you tonight.”

I smile for him, and then he leaves for the studio.  When the door closes, I let out a huge sigh.  

I really need to get my priorities sorted out.  

I pack Justin and I a picnic basket with healthy snacks and fresh pressed fruit and vegetable juice that Hannah gave me a recipe for over the phone.  The lake behind his house is the perfect place for us to sit and enjoy it, and I start to look forward to the scenery and the fresh air, rather than worrying about my could-be feelings for him and the ones I know he has for me.  We have to talk about it, yes, but I’m ready to face it, to tell him that it just…can’t be, because I’m moving forward with my relationship, and he needs to do the same.

The house is mostly silent when I arrive, only the soft murmur of a television coming from the living room giving me any indication that there is indeed someone home.  “Hello? Justin? It’s me.”

“Living room, Mags.” I hear him say it after a moment.  

His voice sounds much weaker from what I remember, and the despair quickly begins to take over, prompting me to set the picnic basket down on the kitchen counter and make my way towards him.  It’s been a long time since I was here, but I can still remember the voices that used to fill these rooms.  An excited Tyler, asking his Uncle what he was making for dinner, a laughing Fay, stationed in the doorway, poking fun at her brother for one thing or another.  None of that exists anymore.  As I pass through the hallway I see obvious signs of Hannah’s presence instead.  New wall paper and throw rugs, along with framed pictures of the two of them positioned in various spots along the walls.  

His smile is forced in all but one.  I stop, stare at it…a group picture of us out in the city last Christmas, right before his heart attack.  Hannah is on his right, and I’m on his left, Tad following after me.  His eyes are bright, and his smile is carefree.  I try to think back on that night, what we did, where we went.  I can’t even remember.  It was a good night though.  I remember laughing with Justin, his personality almost completely like I remembered it to be.  

r32;I force myself to keep moving so I won’t get emotional.  I can’t be, not when he’s right around the corner.  

“Hey.”  I put on my best smile for him when I enter the living room.  “Hannah told you I was coming right?”

He glances over at me slightly before sitting up taller in the wheelchair and turning it towards me.  “Yeah.  It gave me incentive to drag my ass out of bed and get dressed,” he laughs.  “She’d be so proud of me.”

“She totally would be.”

I try to laugh, to keep my smile going for him despite his condition.  He’s paler than I’ve ever seen him, and so thin, the cheekbones are literally sticking out of his face now.  It’s scaring the hell out of me.  The oxygen is still there, the long clear tube jutting out from his nostrils, running over his upper lip and behind the tops of his ears, to keep it from getting tangled. The oxygen pack is attached to his chair, clicking and beeping every few seconds as new air is cycled through, into his body.

“I know, I look like a monster or a robot with this thing on,” he chuckles, in response to my staring.  “I was hoping I wouldn’t need it by the time we saw each other again.”  He reaches out to his right, where the four legged aluminum cane sits beside his wheelchair, and grabs the handle, groaning as he begins to use all his strength to stand up.

“Justin you really don’t have to…”

“I’d really like to.”  He coughs a little, pauses, but continues.  

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“I’m fine.”  He manages to look up at me, mid stance, his eyes serious, and determined.  It takes several more grueling minutes before he finally manages to stagger to an upright position away from his chair.  He pants, completely out of breath as the thick beads of sweat roll down the sides of his face.  “Mags…do you think….”  He has to pause  and catch his breath again.  “Mags do you think you can get my air tank and put it in that little backpack over there?”  He points somewhere behind him.  “Handle side up.”

I see it in a small wicker basket by the sofa, no doubt left by Hannah for easy accessibility.  I nod quickly and do ask he’s asked of me, using extreme care as I pull the air pack out of it’s cradle and position it inside the bag.  “Do you want me to carry it?”

“No you can just sling it over my shoulder.  It won’t knock me over, at least I don’t think it will,” he smiles.  “Hannah said you were packing a picnic right? The walk to the backyard shouldn’t kill me.”

“Yeah, she gave me some recipes, and I made some things…”  I sigh harshly and run a hand through my hair.  “Justin I don’t know, are you sure you’re up for this? You look…”

“I’ve looked like this for months, Maggie.  You just haven’t seen me.”

“Aren’t your doctors worried?”

“Of course.”

That smirk of his won’t go away.

“But Justin…”

“Can we just go?”  His eyes get sad, and his tone is pleading with me to drop my concerns.  “I’m sure we only have a couple of hours, right? Tad must have said something to you about coming out here so late in the day, and I know you, you’re not going to disappoint him if you don’t have to.”

 After all this time, he still knows me better than anyone, but that shouldn’t surprise me.  “I promised him I’d be home by eight thirty, the latest.”

He lets out a breath, and looks me in the eye.  “He’s a lucky guy, you know?  I hope he appreciates the fact that you’re going to run home to him after coming all the way out here.”

I shrug a little bit.  “He appreciates it.”

Nothing more is said. Once we make it into the kitchen, Justin has to put all of his concentration on making the walk from the back door to the patch of grass in front of the lake.  Despite my attempts, he refuses to let me help support him.  He does it all on his own, and it takes a good forty five minutes.  Each time he puts the cane in front of him, he can only take a couple of steps before he has to catch his breath.  It takes every single ounce of strength in me not to start crying.  I realize I can’t, because he’s keeping himself composed for me.  I have no idea if this is how he acts with Hannah, or if he allows himself to break down.  Knowing how he is now, so closed off to the world, I don’t doubt he’s this stubborn all the time.

“I just…I think I need some help sitting down.”  He pants out once we’ve made it to the lakeside.  

“Of course.”  I’ve made us a nice place under the shade of an oak tree in front of the water, and I quickly get to my feet and rush to his side, gripping his upper arm as he lets go of his cane.  It takes several painstaking minutes getting him lowered to the ground and propped up against the trunk of the tree, and he lets out a relieved sigh, his eyes closing once he realizes the worst is over.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“You sound so alarmed Maggie.” He laughs it off, and coughs harshly.  “It’s like I’m dying or something.”

I don’t say anything.

“Maggie.” His eyes flutter open.  “It was a joke.”

“You’re such an asshole.” I try desperately not to whimper, but I can’t hold it back.  “Are you always this fucking insensitive?  Wait, I don’t have to ask you that do I?”
 

He rolls his eyes.  “Damn, I can’t even joke around with you.”

“That’s not a joke.” I snap.  “Not to me.  Not to anyone.”

“Fine.” He sighs harshly.  “I’m sorry okay?”

I rub my face with my hands, and then I finally take a seat with him on the picnic blanket.  “It’s fine, just…don’t say things like that, all right?”  I begin to take all of the food and drinks out of the basket I brought.

“Noted.  So…what’s in your basket today? Cauliflower juice? Tofu?  Carrot sticks?”

“Everything that you’re allowed to eat.”  I force a cheesy grin for him, and when he shows me the same one in return, I know we’ve moved on from our last topic of conversation.  Thank God.  “And…”  I smirk.

He cocks his head to the side, and smirks.  “And?”

“If you’re a good boy there might be some contraband too.”

“God bless you.”  

I giggle as I pour some veggie fruit cocktail and pass him a cup.  I take some for myself too, and can feel the disgusted expression spread across my face after the first sip.

“Good stuff right?”  He winks after drinking half his glass.  “I don’t notice the sweaty balls aftertaste so much anymore.”

“I guess it’s an acquired taste.”

“It’s a tolerated taste so I don’t wind up on the pre-martial shit list more than I have to.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a really demanding woman living with me,” he laughs.  

“But you love having her around.  I know you do.” I smile, but don’t look him in the eyes.

“Yeah.”  He gets another smile out for me, but that’s all he says.

“Hannah said the wedding might be a go for September now?” I question as a I pop a carrot stick in my mouth.

“Who knows?”  He shrugs slightly.  “If they can get me up the aisle and back without an oxygen tank and cane, I guess it’ll be a go.”

“Don’t sound too excited or anything.”

“I just have a lot more to worry about, you know?”

“What’s more important than Hannah at this point?  I mean, she’s here for you, every single day, and the only thing she wants is for you to get better, so she can marry you and continue to love you.  That’s fuckin’ dedication, Timberlake.”

“You really know how to make a guy feel guilty,” he laughs, a little sadly.

“Why guilty?”

“I just…it’s been fixed from the start, you know? My father set us up, and we set out on this five year plan.  Wedding, kids, all that.  It made sense and it wasn’t overbearing.  Then I started having complications and…I dunno…”

“You realized that her feelings weren’t fake, like yours were?”

“You got it.”  

I hate that he just admitted that.  It’s terrible, but at the same time, I’m not just anybody.  He’s always been able to talk to me like this, and it shouldn’t matter how much shit went down between us.  I’m still Maggie and he’s still Justin.  That will never change.

“That’s fucked up.”

He shrugs.  “Well, I’m pretty fucked up Mags.”

“You shouldn’t marry her if that’s how you feel.”

“I don’t have any other options.  Part of me loves her…for the kind of woman she is, for the things she’s done and still does for me.  It has to work Mags.  I don’t have anyone else that’s here for me.  Deep down, Hannah knows how I really feel, but she accepts it.  It’s a different world for us, but I would never hurt her.  I’ve learned my lesson that way.”

“Yeah and look, all you had to do was fuck up what we had to learn it.”

“Maggie…”

“You don’t deserve her.  You don’t deserve anybody.”  I shake my head and shove more carrots in my mouth.  

“I should just die alone, right?”

I feel tears on my cheeks. I don’t know where they came from.  “No. I…”  I hang my head low for a moment and wipe the tears away.  

“Do you think if I thought for a second that you still loved me, I wouldn’t try my hardest to get you back?  Do you actually think when I…when I pushed you away that I didn’t love you anymore?”

“Justin…”

“I’ve loved you since the day you walked into the firm for the first time Mags.  I’ll never stop.  I just lost my way…I lost Fay, and you didn’t deserve to stick around and watch me fuck my life up.  I wasn’t going to let that happen, so I broke it off.  I did it for you.”

“For me?” I let out a disgusted laugh.  “You broke my heart for the sake of my own welfare? How sweet of you.  I should be thanking you then?”

“I’m just trying to explain myself,” he whispers.  “You’re the only person I’ve ever really loved.  Hannah is great…she’s probably my best friend, but she’ll never be the woman that I love.  You don’t have to understand it, but that’s the way I feel.”

It takes me a long time to say anything at all.  This little voice in the back of my mind is crying out, telling me that Justin loves me.

Well I don’t care.

Because I’m not in love with him anymore.

I’m not.

“I’m in love with Tad.”  I finally say it.

It doesn’t make me feel better.

“Are you?”  He sits up slightly and cocks his head to the side.  “You were pretty quick to drop everything and come out here today.  I bet he had a few things to say about it too, because the guy can’t stand me.”

“I came because Hannah asked and…and you’ve been sick…”  I shake my head, press my lips together, determined to keep my tears at bay.  “I mean, I heard you were worse.  I had to make sure you were going to be all right.”

“Are you sure that’s the only reason why?”

He stares at me intensely, waiting for my response.

“I’m moving on with my relationship, Justin.”

He snorts.

“I love him.”

“You love the idea of being with a guy like him.  Come on Mags, this isn’t who you are.  Having a guy hold the door for you, pull out your chair and kiss your hand…where’s that girl I used to know huh? The one that did things for herself and drank me off my chair?”

“Gone.”

He sighs.  “If you’re going to be with someone else, please don’t let it be with a candy ass like that.”

“It’s not your fucking decision to make, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

Frustrated, I push myself to my feet and begin to gather the contents of the picnic basket.  “This has gone on long enough.  I just…I have to get back and I’m sure this conversation isn’t good for your heart.”

“They told me I’ll need a heart transplant if things don’t improve.”

I stop.  My whole world just…stops, and I turn to face him quickly.  “If you’re just saying that…I swear…”

“I’m not.  They told me two days ago, at my appointment.  Nobody knows.  You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“Well I mean, it’ll help you.  You’ll get better.”

“Do you know how many complications come with a heart transplant? I mean, it’s optional, but they said it’s the only way I’ll get better.”

“Optional?”

“Meaning I don’t have to do it.”

“And if you don’t?”

He sighs again, and stares at me for a few minutes before finding his voice.  “Then I have to hope I get better on my own.  If I don’t, I’ll have a year, maybe less, depending.”

“So that means it’s not optional.”  I grit it at him.  “Obviously.”

“Things can go wrong even if I get the transplant.” He says it nonchalantly, like we’re talking about the weather.  “I mean hey, it’s not that big of a deal I guess, they’re just taking my heart out of my body and putting a different heart back in.  I may die on the operating table,  I may not.  People can take bets…make it fun—”

“Fuck, Justin, would you shut the hell up!” I scream.  “You’re not dying!”

“I’m trying to be real with you, in terms of what to expect.  I don’t want you to turn to me later and ask why I didn’t tell you from the beginning.  There’s nothing else I regret more than holding my feelings back from you Mags.”

“You have to get that surgery.  There’s no other choice, Justin.  Do you understand?  When Hannah gets home you better tell her, or I will.”

“I already planned on telling her tonight,” he nods.  “I’m not going to keep it a secret, I’m just…glad, that I got to tell you first.”

“Oh yeah, because it’s such great news.”

It’s silent.  I feel like I’m going to be sick.  

He could die.  He really could.  

I don’t know if I’d survive it, if he was gone.  I don’t think I could live without him.  It would leave this big empty space inside of me, and all that means is, that I really do still love him.

I start to weep right there in front of him.  I can’t help it.  I just keep thinking of him gone…just…gone…

“Mags, it’s going to be all right,” he says gently.  “Come on, don’t cry.”

“You bastard.”  I whimper, rubbing my eyes harshly as he continues to sit against that damn tree.  “You’re such a bastard and I hate you for it!”

He does his best to get to his feet.  I’m so hysterical that I can’t even yell at him to stop.  I just cry, and cry, right there by the lake, under the tree.  And then, by some miracle, he’s there, his arms around me, his hand rubbing my back in a soothing motion.

“I don’t want you to die.” I sob into his thin, bony shoulder.  “Please don’t die.”

“I’m not gonna die, Mags.” He laughs into me.  “Come on, you know I’m stronger than that, even if I am a bastard.”

I can’t help but laugh through my tears.  “I’m sorry I said that I hated you.  I don’t…I don’t at all.”

“But you still think I’m a bastard.”

“For now.” I sniff.

“Hey.”  He tucks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up, so I’m forced to look into his eyes.  “I don’t care how it makes me sound, but I’m in love with you.” He tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear, just like that time in his kitchen, before he kissed me.  “And I understand if you can’t love me back, if you’ve moved on, because you have every right to do that.  I deserve to be without you.”

I close my eyes and shake my head.  Stupid.  I’m stupid.  “No you don’t,” I say, and then I feel the touch of his lips to my forehead.  It feels amazing.  

“But we can’t do this right now,” he whispers.  “Can we?”

My eyes open.  “No.  We can’t.”

“Baby! They didn’t need me for that long after all!  Maggie did you get him outside! Oh my gosh!”

It’s Hannah.  Justin takes his hands off of my face but doesn’t back away.  I know this will be acceptable to her, because he can barely stand on his own.  

“That’s your soon to be wife,” I laugh and sniffle, wiping the excess tears away.  

He doesn’t acknowledge her presence.  “Will you stick things out…just…be here for me, until all this surgery crap blows over?  I don’t think I can make it through this without you, Maggie.”

I nod gently as Hannah begins to loom closer to us in the background, big smile on her face, probably because she got out of the studio early.  “I’ll be here.”

He squeezes my hand.  “Thank you.”

That smile is back.  The one I fell in love with.  

It’s a good start.