May 3, 2016

1:10pm

Monroe Family Beach House

212 West Lake Dr.

Montauk, NY 11954

I didn’t realize how wealthy Hannah’s family really was until Tad and I pulled up to the giant beachfront home a few hours ago.  It must have simply slipped my mind, because Hannah has never acted like a spoiled rich girl in front of me.  The place really is breathtaking though, with panoramic views of the beach and ocean from every room, and cozy, expensive furnishings I could only dream of.  You could probably fit a family of fourteen right inside the foyer with plenty of breathing room to spare.  I can’t even begin to image the size of Hannah’s family estate, but I’m sure it’s the same as, or even larger, than Justin’s family home.  I can’t help but feel a little out of place here.  It’s a completely different world that the two of them are from.  Old money, old traditions, and unfathomable wealth.

Even so, there’s so much missing behind the scenes.  Things that money can’t buy.

I can tell Justin broke the news about the surgery to Hannah, as promised.  That light that’s normally sparkling in her eyes is nonexistent today, despite the smile she’s keeping on her face for everybody.  She’s barely struck up a conversation since we’ve been here, and she’s constantly checking the time, racing away when the little alarm on her phone goes off every hour.  Justin must be on new medication.  

It makes my heart ache, to know how much she cares about him, while his heart is in a completely different place.

Dozens of people have turned up for the occasion.  Hannah’s colleagues from the network, friends, and a lot of people from Harrison and Fink, who haven’t hesitated to trap me in a corner and interrogate me about what I’ve been up to since I left the place.

“I thought for sure you and Timberlake were going to end up as a thing.” Nancy from Human Resources had laughed over the rim of her wine glass.  “Attached at the hip, that’s what you two were.  What ever happened anyway? Hannah snatched him up? Such a pity.”

I felt my stomach turn, and wasn’t sure if I wanted to slap her or just scream at her.  “I…”

“Hey.”

Tad stepped in then, showing off those perfect dimples of his, and thank God.  I quickly introduced him, hoping to steer away from the subject, and it worked.  She immediately became enraptured with the fact that I was engaged to Tad Haines, the subject of Justin and I floating away like the cool summer breeze outside the window.

I’ve been keeping a low profile since that uncomfortable conversation.  Tad has been his usual self, doting on me, and attempting to wait on me hand and foot while lunch was being served.  Eventually I told him to go hang out with Elijah and the boys since the game was on, and…well…he was really starting to get on my nerves with his constant ‘baby what can I get you’s’ and all the touching and kissing.  He loves PDA, and yeah, I guess most women would swoon at those damn dimples and let his hands wander wherever they wanted to on a daily basis.  I’m not most women though.  I don’t want him groping me in public…

Or hell, maybe I’m just irritated today.

I haven’t even seen Justin yet.  Hannah told me he was resting until it was time for cake, and I’ve been trying since we got here to go and wish him a happy birthday.  Naturally, Tad has been doing everything in his power to keep me distracted and in his line of vision.  He’s nervous.  He’s been nervous since the day I brought Justin that picnic lunch, because when I came home I was still a wreck from the emotional moments we shared by the lake.  I could still feel his frail form wrapped around me, I could still smell the scent of his body wash, the warmth of his neck pressed against mine as he hugged me, and the electric touch of his lips to my forehead as we were forced to part ways.

I knew the only thing I wanted to do was go back, and lie in his arms.  I couldn’t tell Tad any of it, but I’m sure he figured it out.  Deep down he knows that I have feelings for Justin.  He doesn’t mention it, because he’s terrified that I’ll agree, and leave him.

I know that we can’t keep going on like this.  Sooner or later, I’m going to have to make a choice to be in this relationship with him, or focus on Justin.  But how is that fair if I choose Justin? He’s not exactly single, and…he’s with my best friend, who, in fact, is still fucking clueless about the feelings I have for her fiancé, and our past.

It’s just a big damn mess, but yet, here I am.  If I gave a damn about my relationship, I would have skipped this party all together, and gone out for a day of fun with Tad.

I couldn’t miss it though. Justin needs me, and I made a promise.

I manage to make it outside unnoticed.  Elijah and the other guys have my fiancé completely distracted with basketball and beers, and I savor the soft breeze that sweeps across my face as I plant myself down in a lounger on the deck, gazing out at the dark blue waves lapping up on the white sand beach.  I close my eyes.  Justin and I never had a chance to go for a walk on the beach.  We never really had a chance to do anything as a couple, besides cope together, and that didn’t even work.

Sometimes I feel so cheated, but then I push those feelings away.

“Well, you can’t just hide all day.”

The door at the opposite end of the deck opens, and Justin is wheeled out by Hannah, who looks absolutely flustered.  

“I just need some air! What don’t you understand? Damn it, Hannah.”

“This is your party, Justin.  These people came to see you and…I understand, all right? I’m not asking you to spend the entire party around all the noise, but just a few minutes to say hello.  That’s it.”

“I didn’t ask for the party.  I told you I didn’t want a party, but you insisted.  You told me what I was doing.  That’s all you ever do.”

“You’re so fucking stubborn. No wonder your heart…”

“Maggie?”  

He notices me as I get up from the lounger, ready to hightail it inside the house so I don’t interrupt their banter. “Oh, hey…um…happy birthday.  I was just going inside…”

“Don’t be silly.” He sits up a little taller in his wheelchair, and his smile instantly appears.  “Seriously, this deck is huge.”

“Hi Maggie,” Hannah huffs with a disgusted look on her face.  “Maybe you can talk some sense into him, because he sure as hell won’t listen to me.”

Her voice cracks.  I know she’s an even bigger mess because they’ve been fighting.  I’m sure it started upstairs, and has gone non stop up until now.  “You guys need to talk.”

“I’m done talking to him.”

She just leaves him like that, out on the deck, without a kiss, another word, or a plate of food or a drink, like she normally does.  The door bangs shut harshly behind her.  In all this time I’ve never seen her this angry with him, but then again, I think it has a lot more to do with how worried she is about the upcoming surgery than anything else.

“Fuck.”  Justin seems to whisper it to himself with a shake of his head, rubbing a hand over the stubble that’s covering his cheeks and chin.  

“I can probably go and calm her down,” I tell him, starting toward the door again.

“Don’t bother.”

I stop in my tracks.  “She’s upset.  That’s obvious.”

He licks his lips as he stares out at the water.  “Let ‘er go.”

“What happened.”  I look back out at the waves as I say it, barely being able to look at him for more than a few moments, in fear of what I might say.

Of what I might confess to him.

“She cares too much,” he tells me gently.  “She thought throwing this party for me would somehow make me feel like myself again.”

“I don’t think she knows what else to do.”

He shrugs.  “Neither do I.  I’m out of options, Mags.  But I wouldn’t…I mean, if this were happening to Hannah I wouldn’t force her to do things she didn’t feel like doing.”

“Did you tell her that?”

He shrugs a little bit, and begins to cough harshly.  So harshly that I start to fear he won’t be able to stop, or catch his breath.

 “Are you…”

He digs out his inhaler and manages to get it in his mouth, sucking in deeply.  “Fine,” he croaks, and clears his throat harshly, being sure to adjust the oxygen tube securely back in place, before his gaze lands back on me.  “How long are you staying?”

I pull a chair up beside him, and cautiously slip back against it.  “I don’t know.  All day I guess.  Tad is preoccupied with the game and the guys so I snuck out here for a bit.”

“Can you stay?”  He stares at me intently.  “Out here with me?”

“I…”  I glance back through the window and into the house.  I can just make out Tad, high fiving Elijah over something. “I guess it’s okay.”

“I told her, yesterday,” he says it quickly, like I’m about to run off or something.  “She hasn’t taken the news well, you know how she can be…” He trails off and lets out a small laugh.  “I told her that the stupid vegan shit she’s been feeding me hasn’t helped at all.  I guess I was angry.”  He looks down at his lap.  “We’ve been fighting ever since, and I really…I feel like shit for it, I do, but at the same time, it’s like my only outlet.  Tossing those emotions at her is the only way I can fucking relax, you know?”

“It’s not fair to her though, you must know that.”

“I just don’t know how else to deal with it.  I’m…”  His face turns red and the tears begin to seep out of his eyes and down his face.  “I’m fucking terrified, Maggie.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t tell her how I feel, not about this.  She’s not like you.  She can’t just listen to me, have a conversation and figure things out…she blows everything out of proportion most of the time.  I could handle it before, you know? At times I thought it was kind of cute.  Now it’s just driving me out of my skull.”

I look back out at the water, gripping the arms of the lounger tightly.  “You have to stop comparing her to me.  She’s not me, Justin.  She’s Hannah and she’s funny, and bright, and she loves you…”

“I don’t love her.”

I refuse to look at him.  “Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.  You know it’s the truth, because you know where my heart is right now.”

“You can’t keep doing this, Justin.” I shake my head.  “You can’t, because you’re going to get hurt in the end.  We talked about this the other day.  I can’t just…leave Tad, and I don’t care what you say, I know you care about Hannah.”

“So you’re staying with him?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

He says nothing.  Only the beep and click of his oxygen pack fills the void in our conversation.

“I’m going in,” I sigh harshly and push myself to my feet.  “This conversation isn’t helping you, and you can’t afford to be stressed out anymore than you already are.  Talk to Hannah, would you?”

“I meant what I said you know.”

I groan.  “Justin…”

“I’d fight for you,” he whispers.  “If I thought there was a chance for us.  I’d fight until I couldn’t physically do it anymore.”

“There’s no chance for us.”  I try not to let my voice crack, but fail miserably.  “I’m here for you.  I always will be, but…it can’t…we can’t do this, Justin.”

“Now look at me and say it.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“Mags.”

I turn to him, stare into his eyes, sunken in and hollow.  His skin is paler than it was two days ago, and I’m scared of losing him.  I’m so scared of losing him, but I don’t want to turn into a blubbering mess like the other day.  I can’t afford it, and God forbid someone walked out and caught me that way.  

“Tell me that you don’t love me,” he whispers, coughing a little more but getting it under control this time.  “Say it.”

But I can’t say it.  I can’t, and I hate it.  I want to call him a bastard and a fool, but my tongue goes dry when I try to get the words out.  All I can do is stare at him for the longest time, and then it just comes out of my mouth, like vomit.  “I fucking miss you,” I whimper.  “Christ, I don’t…I don’t sleep…I just…I dream about you…all the time.”  I rub the tears pouring out of my eyes harshly.  “And I hate that! I fucking hate that because Tad is a good guy! He treats me like I deserve!  I have no reason to look back, or regret walking away from us!”

Justin wheels himself closer to me, looking up into my eyes.  “But you do.”

“Yeah.”  I miserably plop back down into the lounger.  “I do.”r32;
I

n an instant I feel his hand on my cheek, and I can’t do anything else but put my hand on top of it, clinging on like it’s my very last moment with him.

“Mags.  I love you.  I love you with everything that’s left inside of me.”

My eyes meet his.  “I love you,” I whisper.

Then he kisses me.  He kisses me before I can stop him, before I have a chance to look and see who might be watching.  None of it matters to him, because he knows he doesn’t have anything else to lose.  My lips grab his back hungrily, and I’m so careful not to be too harsh, not to pull on him for fear of toppling him out of his chair.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he begs me, out of breath, as our kiss breaks.  “Away from here.”

“We can’t.”  I shake my head harshly and smooth my hair back, wiping off the remnants of his kiss from my lips.  “You know we can’t.  You’re too sick, Justin, and there’s too many people here.”

He nods slightly.  “I’m going to tell her, before the surgery.  I’m going to tell her that it’s over.”

“Don’t.  Just…leave it.”

“I’m not leaving it.”

I know he’s serious.

“She’ll hate me.”

He shakes his head slightly.  “I won’t let her.”

“Tad’s going to propose.”

He stares at me for a long moment.  “How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“So tell him you can’t.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to say, and you don’t really know if you want to end things with Hannah either.  We love each other, but are we supposed to be together?”

“Of course we are.”

I sigh harshly and sniff back the onset of more tears.  “There’s so much more to it, Justin.  So much more than you’re thinking about right now, and I understand why you can’t see the problems that will be waiting for us.”

The door opens suddenly, down at the other end of the deck, and my heart skips a beat when I see Tad sticking his head out of it, smiling at me.  “Babe, the cake is coming out….oh hey Justin, happy birthday.”

My heart begins to regulate itself again.  He doesn’t have a clue, and that means no one else does either.  That’s fucking miraculous.

“Thanks, man,” Justin nods, forcing a smile like always.

“We’ll be right in,” I smile for my boyfriend, and when he simply smiles back, I know we’re completely in the clear.

“All right.”

Tad walks back inside, letting the door close gently behind him.

“Justin I’m going to marry him,” I say quickly.  “I just…am, and you’re going to marry Hannah.  It’s the way things have to be, and I wish they were different.  I wish we could go back, and change everything that happened, but we can’t.”

“There’s second chances,” he tells me.

“I can’t trust you.”  I barely look at him.  I hate it, but it’s true.

That’s what’s holding me back.  

“I’m clean, Mags.  You know that.”

“That’s not what I mean.  You shattered me that day you pushed me away, and I can’t be sure that you wouldn’t pull that on me again,” I whisper.

“You know I wouldn’t.”

“But I can’t be sure.”

“Mags, come on…”

“I can’t just…get over it like you think I can, and I’m not going to screw Tad over because you want to try things again.  That’s not fair.”

“It’s not about him.  It’s about us.”

“But it is about him, it’s about Hannah too.  You just can’t see that.”

He just laughs.  I don’t think he has a clue how to respond.

“I…I’m going in.  Are you coming?”

He doesn’t say anything, just turns his chair around so his back is to me.

“Real mature.”

“I love you more than anything.  That’s what you can’t see, Maggie.  Despite what happened, I never stopped loving you.”

“You said you couldn’t love me.”

“I said I couldn’t marry you.  I never said that I couldn’t love you.”

“I have to go.”  I force myself to say it.

His shoulders slump in the chair.  “Then go.”

And I do.  Head held high.  Barely being able to control my tears this time.