July 23, 2016
1:04pm
Glen Cove Hospital
101 St. Andrews Lane
Glen Cove, NY 11542
“Everything is pretty black and white. I looked it over one more time, but you should be fine signing it today.”
I lick my lips and take the packet with a trembling hand. Signing your last will and testament when everyone is telling you that you’re going to pull through just fine is pretty damn unsettling. I have no choice though. I want to make sure Tyler gets what’s rightfully his just in case…well…just in case. Benjamin has been surprisingly supportive, even offering to draw up the papers himself and take in a list of all my personal assets so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. It’s the first time in my life we’ve had any type of bond and also the first time I’ve trusted him. I mean, he has more money than I do, so there’s no reason why he would try to cheat Tyler out of what I want to give him.
If I do one thing right in this life, it’ll be leaving that kid every penny I have if I…well…if things don’t go like they’re supposed to.
“Very risky, you’ll probably die right there on the operating table,” said no doctor ever. I wish someone would, just one cardiologist. I wish he or she would pull me aside and let me know that yes, there is a very high risk factor in all of this. That yes, I could go under the anesthesia and never wake up again.
Nobody wants me to hear the truth. They’re afraid of what it might do to me in my ‘fragile’ state.
I hate doctors.
“What…what is that?”
We both look toward the door, and I groan inwardly. Hannah has come back from her coffee run.
“Just some paperwork…” Benjamin starts.
I frantically sign on the dotted line so she won’t be able to stop me.
“Is that the will?” Hannah storms over and snatches it out of my hand. “Benjamin! Today?”
“I’m just trying to get it out of the way now so…”
“Get out!” The tears stream down her face and she literally throws it at my father. “GET OUT!!”
“Talk later…” He yells it back to me over his shoulder as he escapes from the room.
“I swear…the fucking nerve. I can’t leave you alone with that man for five minutes.” She slams the door, and turns back around, pressing her body against it and sniffling a little. “Are you okay?”
I sigh slightly and glance out the window. “I asked him to come here. You didn’t have to chase him out.”
“You’re getting surgery tomorrow. Heart transplant surgery, Justin. This isn’t the time for him to come barging in with that—”
“And when was I supposed to sign the thing, Hannah?” I cut her off. “It’s reality. It had to be done, and now it is.”
“You act like he’ll actually need to use it.” Her voice squeaks and cracks.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I finally make myself look at her. “That’s what it’s for, in case it’s needed. Let it go, all right?”
“Oh, let it go, right.” She lets out a bitter laugh and begins to walk towards me. “There’s a chance you may never see me again after tomorrow, but I’m just supposed to suck it up? I mean how the fuck can you expect me to do that…”
I begin to tune out her ramblings, even when she’s right there beside the bed, telling me how messed up I am for not caring about her feelings. It’s all I’ve heard for weeks, and I’ve gotten pretty good at this selective hearing thing. Actually, it’s probably the only thing keeping me sane.
Well, that and Mags. Mags has been a fucking lifesaver. I haven’t seen her in a couple of days, but she promised she would be at the hospital to wish me well before I went in for surgery. I’m counting on that I guess. I’m counting on her smile, her soft, subtle way of joking with me, listening to her tell me that she cares. It might be the one thing that gets me through all of this, and that’s pretty bad, considering Hannah has been by my side all along, making certain I’m comfortable, well fed, and relaxed.
What happened between Mags and I on my birthday is something we haven’t talked about. It took her the better part of the following week to call me, but when she did, we had a long talk about what our friendship meant, and both agreed that we didn’t want to lose it. It’s been hard, not discussing my feelings for her, but she made it perfectly clear that she couldn’t be my friend if it meant a constant argument about what couldn’t be.
I still miss the hell out of her. That kiss…it left me with a feeling inside that I haven’t experienced since we were together.
I’d do anything to get it back. To get her back.
Am I a bad person? I really don’t know. I just know that I’ve been a lot happier since Maggie has been coming back around, visiting, and talking with me. I’ve found that I can still talk to her about anything, just like before, and she listens, and understands.
I know I could spend the rest of my life with her, that’s the only bad part.
“Are you even listening to me?”
I tune her back in. I have to. She’s standing there, her beautiful face streaked with tears because of how insensitive I am, and while I don’t have a deep love for her, I still feel like shit, making her cry when everything is so up in the air with the surgery. “I’m sorry. I should have signed those papers weeks ago, I just…”
“You put it off, and you kept that from me.”
“I guess so.” I shrug slightly. “I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t think it would come down to all this.”
“You’re lucky that they found a donor,” she whimpers. “You’re lucky that your father is so damn powerful and could get you to the top of a waitlist. Imagine if things hadn’t worked out this way, and you hadn’t faced it in time?”
“Well that didn’t happen.”
“But it could have.” She sniffles.
“I left everything to Tyler, I hope you know.” My eyes narrow. “That will has almost nothing to do with you.”
“Just the ‘you’ll be dead’ part,” she sneers. “I guess I should look the other way, huh? I must be a fool.”
“Hannah, come on…”
“No! Damn it, Justin, our future is at risk too, but that seems like the furthest thing from your mind.”
I stare at her, the thoughts taking over me immediately. If this goes well, which, god willing, it will, the next step for us is marriage. There’s no doubt about that, it’s only a question of how long it will take to get back on my feet. Three weeks in the hospital post surgery then… six months? Eight? Who knows? The point is, there won’t be anymore excuses once I get there. If I’m well, the wedding will go off without a hitch. I’m not scared of it, I just…I guess I know that I want something else even more. It’s unrealistic to think about being with Mags though, especially now that Tad has put a ring on her finger.
It happened a couple of weeks ago, and I told her…I never expected her to say no to him. We had been alone, by some miracle, and she actually apologized to me. I have no idea why. Yes, I had told her that I was in love with her, but I never expected her to come back to me. I didn’t deserve a second chance with her, after what I’d done, and she flat out told me that she couldn’t trust me.
It’s just going to be hell, living with it, watching it, seeing her build a family with him. The family that could have been mine.
Somehow, I’m going to have to learn to be happy with Hannah, and the life we build together.
First though, I have to survive this heart transplant.
It was just a week after my little picnic with Mags that my cardiologist started his search for a donor. Benjamin, being Benjamin, made a very large contribution to the hospital, and so my name was conveniently placed on the top of the wait list for a heart. I feel guilty, every single day. I’m sure there are lots of people on that list that deserve another chance at life besides me, but at the same time, am I going to tell them that I’d rather wait to bump someone else up the list? No. I’m too selfish, and I guess…I really don’t want to die at thirty.
I’m terrified of tomorrow. Terrified of the way the steel of the operating table will feel underneath me, like icy cold death. I’m terrified of the anesthesia, of the mask they’ll put over my face and the way they’ll tell me to count back from ten. I’ll be out cold before I can count down to seven, and then my life will officially be in their hands. I can’t tell Hannah that. I can’t break down, because I know she wont’ be able to handle it. She’s a wreck, and while she won’t admit how bad it’s gotten, I can tell she hasn’t been sleeping, has barely been eating. She’s sacrificing every emotion and every part of her life for me, and while I don’t want her to care this much, saying that won’t change the way she feels.
“Can’t you say something? Anything?”
I stare at her, into her eyes that are filled with tears, and I try to come up with something good. I try to talk to her sometimes, like I would talk to Maggie, but it never works. I can’t share my feelings with Hannah the way I can with Mags. They’re too different, and they will always be.
“I know that I’m going to pull through this.” I slowly take her hand in mine and lace my fingers through hers, squeezing slightly so she’ll know I’m being sincere. “Sometimes I can be selfish, and distracted, and I’m sorry about that, but you’ve always known that this is how I am. We’re going to get married, have children, and build our lives just like we’ve always talked about,” I nod. “Right now, what I need is for you to stop panicking about everything. Benjamin is just doing what I asked of him, nothing more.”
“You make it sound like we’re just going to go through the motions.” She pulls her hand from mine, and slowly sinks down into the chair at my bedside.
“What?”
“There’s no emotion coming from you about all of that…marriage, and having children. It’s all cut and dry, like it’s what we’re supposed to be doing because it’s written in some manual.”
I snort. “Now you’re being ridiculous.”
“Sometimes I feel like I care about you more than you’ll ever care about me.”
I meet her gaze, and her expression is stone cold, because she knows its the truth. “I care about you, Hannah. You know I care about you.”
“But you don’t love me.”
I sigh. “This isn’t a conversation I want to have right now.”
“Well we’re having it, so deal.”
“I love you,” I nod. “I love you the best I can, in our circumstance. You know what I mean Hannah, and you’ve always known how things are. You and I were more set up than anything else, but that’s what you wanted, that’s what our families wanted for us.”
“Is it what you wanted, Justin? A fixed up relationship? A love that’s barely there?”
“No.” It slips out before I can stop myself, but I won’t look at her. I can’t look at her.
This is fucking ridiculous. I shouldn’t be having a conversation like this before life altering surgery. She’s here for me, and that’s all that should matter. I should have made up more feelings, acted like she was all I would ever need.
But I can’t.
I know where my heart is, and it’s barely with her.
“Then what did you want?”
“Hannah…”
“At this point, we should just be honest about everything, don’t you think?”
She’s right. There’s no point in holding things back, because tomorrow could go in a lot of different directions.
“I was in love once, really, deeply in love, with someone. When my sister passed away, I lost control of everything in my life, including her, and I’ll always regret that, but I have to live with it.”
“I wish you would talk about her with me…Fay. Your father always tells me how close the two of you were, but I feel like I’ll never get to know the person that she was. I feel like…the person you really are died with her.”
“It did,” I croak. The tears begin to glide out of my eyes and over my cheeks, and it’s pointless to try and stop them. I haven’t talk about Fay with her, ever.
Maybe it’s time.
“She was the best friend I ever had,” I continue. “And the more she tried to prepare me for living my life without her, the more I hid from the truth. It was my own fault…everything that happened to me after she died, including losing the person that I loved. When you came along, it saved me from going over the edge I guess, because I was a mess, and so lonely…I was lost, Hannah. Sometimes, I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there for me, and I hate myself for being so god damn selfish when it comes to you, because I know how much you care about me. I just…I never got over Maggie. I don’t know if I ever will, and you should know the truth. I should have told you right from the beginning, but I didn’t want to lose one more person in my life.”
“Maggie?”
I nod. I don’t have to say anything, because she’s not stupid.
“You and Maggie…” She shakes her head slightly. “It makes sense now. You two get a long like…my god…I’ve never seen you that way around anyone else. I told myself it was because you’d worked together for such long time but…I guess…I always knew it was more than that.”
“If you’re angry I…”
“Has anything happened?”
I hesitate. I know the truth will hurt her, but I can’t lie. Not today. God forbid something goes wrong tomorrow… “We kissed…in Montauk.”
It takes her a long time to answer me. At first she’s staring back at me, her eyes stone cold, but then her emotions seem to take over, and she has to look down at her lap. I don’t hear her sobbing, but when she looks up at me again, I see a stray tear or two on her face.
“What else happened?”
“Nothing,” I rasp. “But that’s mostly because I can’t do anything the way I am right now.”
“Do you want more, Justin?”
I want to lie. Lying would be easier, because I know her heart is starting to break right here in front of me. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt this woman, but it looks like I don’t have a choice. “I love her, Hannah.”
“Does she know that?”
“She’s known for a long time.”
She looks down at her lap again, but no sound comes out of her. She just keeps nodding her head, as if that will make what I did…what I said, completely fine.
“I guess I’m supposed to be really angry, or just really sad.” She laughs a little. “I don’t know how to feel though. Not today…with all that’s happening. I just…I want to understand, Justin. I want that more than anything else.”
It’s the craziest thing, what she just told me. I expected her to storm off, or just cry hysterically. I guess Hannah has a lot more backbone than I thought possible, and she’s proving it to me. She’s showing me what she can put up with in our relationship. She’s showing me that cheating wouldn’t drive her away.
But I don’t want to cheat on her. She may not be the person I truly love, but she’s not a piece of shit. She deserves better.
I wish she hadn’t picked me.
“Telling you that I don’t want something to happen, would be a lie,” I finally tell her. “But …we have different lives now, she’s engaged, and…I have you, if you’ll still have me.”
“So you’d be fine with just settling for me? Because it makes the most sense?”
She doesn’t say it with disgust. Actually, she seems pretty open to the whole thing, because she knows how this works. Her parents marriage is the same as my parents marriage. It’s how our world works. “I sure as hell don’t want anybody else. You and me…we make sense. We can make this work if we want to, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being a team and raising a couple of smart, successful kids with you. I know I can’t do any better, although, I know you could.”
“I don’t want to do better,” she whispers, and covers my hand with hers, rubbing it gently. “I want to be with you Justin. I want to do this with you. I know that…over time, we could grow to love each other deeply.”
I’d like to tell her I believe that.
But I don’t.
She doesn’t wait for me to explain, I think she knows that I couldn’t say anything else at this point, so she leans in and gives me a soft kiss on the lips and forehead instead, caressing my cheek gently afterwards and giving me her classic smile. “I’ll be back a little later, all right? I’m sure you need to rest.”
“Probably.” I manage a half smile. “You should try to get some sleep.”
“Yeah.” She crosses the room and opens my door. “I’ll try.”
“Hannah.” I call out to her when she’s halfway out the door.
“Yeah?” She looks back over her shoulder.
I try to find the words. To tell her that I meant it when I said I loved her, because I do…to an extent.
I can’t do it.
“Justin, do you need something?”
“You and Mags, I mean…is this going to affect your friendship?”
She laughs slightly. “It’s not like you slept with her. I’m sure we’ll talk, but…she’s one of my best friends. I can understand why she didn’t say anything. We’ll be fine, I don’t want you to worry about it, all right?”
“Okay.”
She nods slightly, but says nothing else before leaving me alone in my room. The thoughts about tomorrow, signing the will, and my conversation with Hannah overwhelm me. I don’t remember dozing off, but when my eyes flutter open again, it feels like hours have gone by. I find my bed tray in front of me with a small plate of toast and crackers waiting and I sigh, grunting slightly as I push myself up in bed.
“I didn’t know when you were going to wake up, so I just told them to leave you a snack.”
My eyes dart to the voice, and then I see him there, sitting in the chair by my bedside, ball cap clutched in his hands, barely meeting my gaze. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to my nephew, and I have to admit, he looks more grown up than ever. It’s been almost two years since we lost Fay, and he’s gotten much taller, the lacrosse he plays has made his body toned and athletic, and I know that he’s turning into a teenager. He hasn’t been that wild little boy for some time now, and it’s obvious that I barely know him anymore. “Ty…hey.”
“Grampy said I should come visit you before tomorrow,” he says it quietly and looks at the floor.
“Yeah well, I’m really glad you made the trip out.” I smile for him, but he doesn’t return it. “How’s…everything been going? How are your classes?”
He shrugs. “Okay.”
Silence settles over us. It fucking blows. I have no idea what to say to the kid, and Fay would be more than disappointed if she could look in on us now.
“You know, after all of this blows over…I can talk to Hannah about you and I taking a trip, just us.”
“It’s okay.”
I laugh slightly. “Well, I think it might do us some good.”
“Uncle Justin, I’m too busy at school to take time off. My classes are pretty hard, and I have a full schedule. When I come home for visits Grampy has me doing things too.”
“There’s always room for exceptions, Tyler.”
“I just wanted to come see you today. I don’t need to go on a trip with you.”
I run a hand over my mouth. I’ve lost when it comes to him, and it’s been that way for a long time. There’s no one else to blame but myself, and it’s something I’ll regret always, just like Maggie. “Well…I’m glad you came out.”
“Uncle Justin.” He looks me in the eyes this time, and I can tell that he’s terrified. “I just…are you going to be okay after tomorrow? You know, after the surgery?”
“Of course buddy.” I swallow my lie and it hurts going down, but I do whatever I can to keep a straight face for him.
“I just don’t want to go through it again…like when mom died.” He rubs his face harshly and sobs a little. “I know…I know we don’t really see each other anymore, but I still…I still need you.”
“Ty…” I shift a little, but I’m too weak, and in too much pain to make a move out of bed. Frustrated, I sit back against the pillows and sigh. “Look, I’m going to be fine.”
“But what if you’re not? Then what happens?” He whimpers. “I miss…I miss living with you. I miss mom. Things don’t make sense now, and sometimes I just…I don’t know where to turn. I want to call you, but I never do.”
“You can always call me, Ty.”
Christ, what have I done? I’m a complete asshole. It’s obvious that he’s having a hard time adjusting to school, and misses me. I pushed him away. That was my fault, but I don’t know if I can just rip him out of school now. He’s established, and starting over again might do more damage to him than good. I’m sure he has friends, and he must like it there since he plays sports. Benjamin told me that he’s been doing well with Lacrosse and Soccer.
“I want to come home,” he sobs. “I hate Valley Hill and the snobs that go there.”
“Of course you can come home.” I say it without another thought. There’s no options, just this, because he’s Fay’s son, and it’s my obligation to make him happy. It’s a second chance for us, and no matter what Benjamin says, or how bed ridden I am, I’m going to make this happen for him. “You can move in whenever you want.”
“You mean it?”
He’s smiling, and it gets me to smile brightly back. “Come ‘ere.” I hold an arm out to him, and he gets up and buries his face into my neck, sobbing harshly, telling me how much he misses me.
“I love you too,” I whisper, rubbing his back as he cries. I’m determined now. I have to keep on living, for his sake, and I’ll push through this surgery so his life can be better. So it can be everything Fay always wanted it to be and more.
Nothing else matters to me. Not anymore.
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