July 24, 2016

9:30pm

Glen Cove Hospital

101 St. Andrews Lane

Glen Cove, NY 11542

We’re sitting in the waiting room.  Hours ago it was bustling, filled with nurses and doctors, patients with their walkers and canes, spouses and children.  At times it was so loud I couldn’t think straight, and it made me feel sick.  I’ve vomited several times throughout the day, but I haven’t said a word about it.  I haven’t wanted to make my feelings known to everyone, because the focus shouldn’t be on me today, only on Justin.

Now the room is void of most of those noises.  Only the casual nurse or night shift resident walks by.  The beeping and swooshing from various electronics scattered throughout the unit takes the place of the talking and the footsteps from hours ago.  

It’s been hours since they took Justin into surgery.  It’s just the two of us here now.  The rest of the friends and family associated with Justin and Hannah left over an hour ago to get some rest, after Justin’s surgeon reassured us all that the surgery had gone smoothly, that he would recover after some intensive therapy, and would be moved out of the ICU just as soon as he woke up from the anesthesia and his vitals appeared normal.  I stayed behind, mostly because I promised him I would be here when he woke up, and Hannah stayed for obvious reasons.  She hasn’t said much to me…Hannah.  She’s been focused on a book, or her phone, all day.  I came to the conclusion that she was trying to distract herself from the situation at hand, because it was the only thing that kept me from dwelling on what might actually be the problem.

That she knows.

That Justin told her, because he felt she should know, just in case.

I’ve been waiting for her to break the ice, to ask me the questions that she deserves an answer to. Once or twice I tried to muster up enough courage to talk to her, but my tongue seemed like a slab of cement in my mouth, and my blood ran cold when I tried to look at her.  I’ve been thanking the powers that be that Justin and I hadn’t allowed our emotions to get away with themselves that day at the beach house.  Although, if Justin had been in the ‘having sex’ condition before all of this I don’t know what the hell would have happened.  No matter.  The point is, it didn’t, and I’m sure it’s the only reason why I can sit here next to Hannah Monroe and not want to hang myself or something.

But if she knows about our little kiss, about his feelings for me, than why hasn’t she tried to kill me herself?

I guess…the state of her fiancé is preventing her from retaliating against me, although, I have no clue how long it will last.  She’s been on edge since we sat down this afternoon, and I know she won’t be a hundred percent until she’s able to sit face to face with Justin in his hospital room, and hold a normal conversation with him.  

I admit, I’ve been a jittery mess since he went in the operating room today, but I guess I can conceal my feelings better than most.

I promised him I would.  I promised, as he laid in that bed, looking weaker than I’d ever seen him, that I wouldn’t react, that I wouldn’t cry, and that I would hold my head up.  

“That’s you Mags.” He managed a smile.  “The strong one.”

I wanted to laugh at him.  Him pulling me out of the bathtub drunk, hadn’t been that long ago.  He’d always been the one with the advice for me, the one who had it all together, and then suddenly…he just couldn’t be that person anymore.  Losing Fay changed him for the worse, and I couldn’t even help him.  I should have been able to.  I shouldn’t have let him push me away.

I told him that, but all he did was disagree.

“I’m glad you walked away,” he nodded.  “Look at you, you found someone who’s really worth it Maggie.  You’re happy.  That’s all that I ever wanted for you, even if I couldn’t be that guy.”

I couldn’t come up with a response.  Not so close to his surgery.

I couldn’t tell him that lately, I felt like I was going through the motions with Tad, even though I had said yes when he asked me the question.  Since it was confirmed that Justin would indeed be undergoing heart transplant surgery, he was all I thought about.  I went to bed at night with Tad’s arms around me, thinking about the way I used to feel when I had been doing that very thing with Justin.

I couldn’t help but admit that I missed him…badly.

So why have I decided to go through with this wedding? I’m not totally sure.  I guess…deep down, I know Justin wouldn’t be able to make himself leave Hannah.  He’s not in love with her by any means, but I know he respects her, and cares about her like family.  If he left her it would kill her.  He’s trapped.

I guess we both are, and when he recovers from all this, which I know he will, he won’t want to do anything else but focus on his second chance at life, and make things work with Hannah.

I’ll move on.  I’ll start a family of my own, and I won’t look back.

“Maggie.”

The bile rises in my throat.  It’s the first time she’s spoken to me all day.  I’d like nothing more than to make up some shit excuse and just leave, but the best friend in me won’t allow it.  “Yeah?”  My voice cracks, a sure sign of my guilt.

“I need to talk to you.”  She turns to me, shoving her phone into her purse and placing the thing on the seat behind her.  “I’ve been debating about it all day, but now that we’re alone, I know that I have to.”

I swallow hard.  “Oh um…yes, of course.”

“Justin told me about Montauk…about when you were alone.”  Her eyes pierce into me like daggers and she doesn’t smile.  She’s cold, plotting her next words to me carefully so I’ll be as mentally vulnerable as possible.

“Hannah I…”

“I know him well, Maggie,” she cuts me off quickly.  “You may not think so. Actually, I’m sure you think you know him better than anyone else, but that’s all false…that’s you being the naive little girl that you are.  The way you see him is the way he wants you to see him, but I get the real deal, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I know the kind of man he is, and…I’ve always known what kind of relationship we would have from the start.  I expected him to mess around, to eventually have a mistress.  I was prepared for it, because that’s what happens when you come from a background like ours.  You’re matched with someone who will uphold the legacy for both of your families, and in the end, everyone is better off for it.  There’s love between us, maybe it’s not the sunshine and daisies type of love that most people think of, but it’s still love, and in time, it will grow into more.”

“Hannah I didn’t mean…”

“Just let me talk.”

I quickly back down.  

“That being said,” she continues.  “My friendships are never something that I have arranged for me, and I really did enjoy confiding in you, and welcoming you into my circle, Maggie.  I never lied to you once, because I respected you, and silly me, I expected that you would have the done the same for me.  Now I find out that you and Justin were together once, and I have to say, I’m very hurt that you kept all of that from me.  If I had known…I mean, I’m sure I never would have wanted you to be around him as much as you have been, especially by yourself.  Even if I let you, even if I took that risk, I would have done it because of my faith in you…that trust that you wouldn’t go behind my back and make a play for him.  You’ve destroyed all of that.  You’ve destroyed our friendship, because I know that if Justin had been able, things would have gone much farther than just a kiss.”

“Hannah…I just…I never meant for things to be like this.”  I shake my head slightly, but I can’t look at her.  I know she’s right.

“There’s no sense sitting there stuttering.  Just admit it, Maggie.”

It seems to take an eternity before I can look her in the eye.  When I do, she’s staring right back, her stone cold expression unwavering.  “You’re right.  It would have.”

“And you have feelings for him.”  It’s not a question.

“I do.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I can’t answer her, can’t look at her. The guilt is gnawing at my insides and I feel like I’m going to throw up again.

“Answer the question.”

I sigh harshly.  “Yes.”

Silence.

“But you’re going to marry Tad and move on with your life.”  She picks the conversation back up quickly, and her tone is unforgiving as she leans leans in close to me with a glare.  “Because if you don’t Maggie, I’ll make sure your life turns into a living hell, and you can count on that.  You won’t have one client on your roster by the time I’m finished throwing you and your firm under the bus.  Just stay the hell away from Justin, and I’ll find myself a new lawyer in the meantime.”

She doesn’t give me a chance to come back at her, to tell her how our relationship was in the beginning, that we were friends first, and that he’s the only person I’ve ever been able to talk to.  No she doesn’t give me a split second to say anything at all.  She grabs her purse and gets up, walks across the room and makes another spot for herself.  Going after her would be a death trap, so I just stay in my seat, not saying a word.

“You can go.” She calls to me.

“What? He’s not even awake yet.”

“I’ll tell him what he needs to know,” she nods.  “Leave, Maggie.”

I stand up, hands on my hips, ready to fight her to the death over this.  “You mean you’ll make up a lie to tell him about why I left.  You’ll make him want to hate me.”

“You’re not a part of his life anymore.”  Her eyes narrow.  “It’s easier this way.  A long drawn out goodbye won’t do him any good.  He’ll just fight harder to make you stick around.”

“You don’t get it.  It’ll mess him up even more if he thinks I just abandoned him.”

“He’ll have me.” She nods.  “I’m the woman he’s marrying, so I’ve got it covered.  Move on, Maggie.”

“But…”

“Move on.”  Her tone is a hundred times more intimidating, and I know I’m walking on thin ice.  It’s bad enough that we’ve lost her as a client.  My boss is going to go ballistic, and I hate that Hannah has so much power.  Enough power to wipe our roster clean.

At the same time though, I don’t care about my career.  Not as much as I care about him.

I’ve told him I can’t trust him, and that’s the truth.  The fact that he tossed our relationship to the side, and ruined our plans for the future, still pains me.  But being without him…that’s not an alternative.  If nothing else, I need him in my life as my friend, and now Hannah is getting in the way of that.  Of course I get it.  I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t.  I guess I thought we were closer than this, that we would be able to talk about this rationally, without threats, and compromise somehow.

But she doesn’t want anything to do with that.  She doesn’t care about how sorry I am.  She’s ready to toss our friendship to the side and never look back if that means she’ll finally have her fiancés undivided attention, something she’s probably been vying for since they day they met. I can’t say she’s a coldhearted bitch.  She’s not.  She’s just protecting what she considers hers, and I guess if our roles were reversed I might be doing the same.

But they aren’t reversed, and the man I love is in there recovering from a heart transplant, getting ready to take his second chance at a good, happy life.

I’m not leaving.  I know he couldn’t take it.

“Hannah, I’m not going anywhere.  At least not today.”  

I take a seat.

“Should I really start making phone calls?”

“If that’s more important than concentrating on what’s going on with Justin right now, then I guess he doesn’t know you at all, and hell, maybe you don’t deserve a guy like him.  Maybe you’re the one who should be moving on.  Our past aside, he’s one of my best friends, and nothing you can say is going to change that.  I’m not abandoning him so you can try and make him hate me.  He and I have been through too much over the past seven or eight years for me to turn my back on him now.  I’m staying to see him through this.  End of story.”

She says nothing for a good twenty minutes, and I busy myself by looking at the ceiling, at the floor, trying to rid my mind of our conversation.

“I won’t let you ruin this for me,” she finally says, her voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.  “I won’t.  This is the rest of my life.  I have a plan.”

“What about the rest of his life?” I turn and face her again.  “What about his happiness?”

“It…it can’t always be about happiness.  It’s about leading a successful life.”

I snort.  “Money and power…that’s not a life, Hannah.  It’s what Justin has been trying to escape since he realized how unhappy it made him.  Marrying you is only going to turn him into a drone, and I can’t stop him…he needs to do what he wants to do, but…I know that’s the truth.”

“So you’re the solution?”

“No.” I shake my head.  “But I am his friend, and whatever feelings go beyond that…don’t really matter now anyway.  I just want to see him happy and healthy again.”

“So do I.”

“At least we can agree on something.”

We stare at each other, basically daring the other to say something, to challenge what’s been said tonight, but nothing is said.  We just…keep staring at each other, and I start to feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Maggie Dawson?”

I turn, thanking the heavens for the interruption.  A nurse stands before me, holding a clipboard, looking rushed, and exhausted.  “Yes…that’s me.”

“The anesthesia has worn off, and Justin has requested to speak with you.  The surgeon advised against visitors until morning, but he’s absolutely insisting, so we can give you fifteen minutes or so, but he really needs to get some rest so we’re asking you to keep this as brief as possible.”

“Oh…” I run a shaking hand through my hair.

God, Justin.  Right now?r32;
“You?”  Hannah comes up to us, hands on her hips, furious at me.  “Why you?”  She looks at the nurse with a demeaning expression.  “Why her?”

“It’s at the patients request,” the nurse says softly.  “I’m just the messenger.”

“Well I’m coming too,” Hannah snaps.

“I’m afraid we can’t permit that.  Visitation will resume in the morning.”

“I’m his fiancé!”

The nurse ignores Hannah’s outburst, and sighs as she glances at her wrist watch.  “Maggie if you’re going, it has to be now.  I’m sorry.”

I nod gently.  While I really don’t want to send Hannah into additional outbursts and hysterics, I’m in no position to deny Justin a post- life-altering-surgery-request.  “All right,” I croak.

“I will never forgive you Maggie!”  She yells it at me while the nurse escorts me away.  “Never! Do you hear me!”

I feel the tears crawling down my face.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” the nurse whispers in my ear.  “You should have heard the way he was begging Doctor Harrison before.  This guy is completely in love with you.”

I swallow hard.
*********************

July 24, 2016

10:28pm

Glen Cove Hospital

Room 318

101 St. Andrews Lane

Glen Cove, NY 11542

“Fifteen minutes.”

I feel a light touch to my shoulder and my eyes slowly glide open.  Everything is numb.  Every single part of me.

But when I see her, I feel something deep inside spring back to life just a bit.

“I mean it, Justin.”

Adrian, the nurse, sends me a knowing little smile, before adjusting my pillows slightly and walking out of the room.  Mags stands nervously by the doorway, eventually getting enough stamina to close it and give us some privacy.

“Justin what are you doing? Hannah’s in hysterics.”

“I had to see you.”  It’s barely a whisper.  

She sighs harshly.  “You haven’t been out of surgery five hours yet.  I’m not that important, and she’s the one who should be in here, not me.”

“You should be.”

I don’t remember much about this afternoon.  I was groggy even before they put me under, and I passed out quickly.  I remember…I was scared, but the thoughts of the conversation I had with Maggie the day before put my mind at ease.  In fact, she was the only person I could think of before surgery, despite the fact that Hannah was in my face up until the nurses came to take me down to the OR.  I couldn’t hear a word she said to me.  I held her hand, sure, and I listened to her sobbing, did my best to reassure her that everything would be okay, but it didn’t go beyond that.  I didn’t have any revelations, or think about trying harder with her.

I just…I didn’t have a reason to.

I knew who I was in love with, and I wanted my whole life to be centered around Mags, and Tyler.  I wanted a fresh start.  I wanted the life I should have had from the beginning of all of this.  The life that Fay tried to help me achieve before she passed away.  

“Justin…”  She trails off and miserably plops down into the chair at my bedside.  I remember this too well.  Her, joining me in my office with boxes of Mr. Wong’s, carrying on about the stresses of the workday, me, making her laugh, and smile.  

I wish I could make her smile right now, but I’m just too damn weak.  My goal, is to cut this recovery process in half if I can.  Eight to twelve weeks, they’re saying.  That’s just too fucking long, and I’ve been laid up in bed long enough.

I’m just…so ready to live again.  I regret all the time I missed while I was busy fucking myself up.  Tyler is ready to give me a second chance, but…but I just don’t know if I’m going to get one with Mags.

It’s different when it comes to her, but…I have to try.  I have to.

“How do you feel?”

I manage to smile for her.  “Like a weight just dropped onto my chest.  It’s the medication.  I can’t feel a thing.”

“How are you up to talking?” She shakes her head slightly and rubs her face with her hands.

“I’ll deal with it for you.”

“God Justin…Hannah knows everything now.  Do you realize that?”

“Of course.  I’m the one who told her everything.”

“She hates me,” she continues.  “Legit, hates me.  I can’t do this anymore…I just…she was my best friend and now that’s all fucked to hell.”

“I don’t care about Hannah, or her agenda, or whatever she told you,” I whisper.  “You shouldn’t either.”

“How can you say that? I betrayed her trust.”

“You never fell out of love with me and I never fell out of love with you. It’s not your fault…it’s just the way things are.  I care about you, Mags.  I wanted to tell you that, before I talked to anybody else.  I only care about you, and I’m done with the Hannah charade.  It’s over…and I’m going to tell her that tomorrow.”

“What the fuck? Did you have an epiphany while you were under the knife?”

I wince when I laugh a little too hard.  “Something like that.”

“I don’t think you’re rationalizing any of this properly right now, Justin.  How could you? You just woke up from surgery and…”

“I know what I want, Mags.”

She stares back into my eyes and bites her bottom lip.  She knows me well, better than anyone, and can tell when I’m lying to her.

She knows I’m completely serious right now.

“I can’t.”  She shakes her head.  “Justin, I can’t.”  She gets up to leave.

“I love you.  I’m not going just…stop, because you say that you can’t do this.  I said it before, and I’m saying it now…I’m going to fight for you.  I’m going to wait for you Mags.”

“Maggie.”  The door opens and Adrian peeks her head the room.  “I’m sorry but we’ve got to call it a night.”

“O-okay…”  She looks between Adrian and I, like she has no clue what she’s supposed to do.

“Just come back tomorrow,” I tell her.  “Come back in the morning.”

“I can’t come back in the morning…please, can you just give us one more minute?” She says it to Adrian.

Adrian sighs heavily.  “One minute.”

The door closes.

“Justin I can’t.  I love you, but I just…I can’t.  I’ve made promises to Tad, things are set in place, and I can’t just toss that all away.  We have to move on, don’t you understand that?”

“If I marry her I’ll be making a huge mistake.”

“I can’t be with you.”  She won’t look me in the eye.  “And you shouldn’t be alone.”

“If it’s the only option, maybe I should.  It might be good…you know, Tyler is moving home and everything.  It’ll give us a chance to reconnect and I can just start my life from scratch again.”

“Tyler is moving home?”

“Yeah.” I think I smile, but I can’t be sure.  “I thought I told you?”

“No…but, that’s really great.”

“I’m going to make everything up to him.  Everything that happened after Fay died.  I want to be his whole family if I have to be.”

“Then you should focus on that, not on me.  He deserves every part of you.”

“So do you.”

“It’s just too late, Justin,” she says, sadly.  “It’s too late for us.  I’m sorry, but…you know I’m right.”

We stare at each other. I can’t beg her to stay, and I know that.  She’s going to go off and marry Tad and I’m going to break things off with Hannah and just live my life.

That’s the way it has to be, as heartbreaking as it is, but I’ll push through it.  I have a lot of reasons, important ones, that I should have recognized long ago.  This is my second chance.

I can’t fuck up this time.

“Then I guess that’s it,” I tell her.  “I’ll stop giving you a hard time and just…move on from here.”

She nods slightly.  “I better go.”

“Yeah.”  I try hard to ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut as she goes to the door.  I know this is the last time.  After this we won’t see each other nearly as often.  We’ll both get wrapped up in our own lives, and perhaps, we’ll never see each other at all after today.

She’ll just be gone, and while I hate that, I know that there’s no way around it.

“Bye Mags.”

She doesn’t look back.  I don’t think she has it in her.