December 23, 2016
Hannah Monroe’s Brownstone
531 11th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11215
Adjusting is hard. Restarting is even harder.
And I’ve done it one too many times.
Should I have expected her to be gone in the morning? The better part of me says yes, but I guess…there was that little part that was leftover from our relationship that told me she was willing to try. That she was going to love me again.
But I was wrong.
“Justin, come and wait with me.”
Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I hear Hannah, but I don’t acknowledge her. I can’t. I just need a few minutes to catch my breath.
“Justin.”
It was enough to give me a heart attack all over again, knowing she was gone. I had an inkling of hope that I would see her in court the following week, but when someone else was waiting in her place, I knew she had made up her mind. She wasn’t ready for me. She would never be, and that meant it was officially time to put her behind me for good. It wasn’t worth putting my health at risk anymore. I had Tyler and the rest of my life to worry about.
I promised myself I would make the best of it.
I guess that’s what I’m doing.
“You’ve been late before.”
“Never this late,” she scoffs.
I turn. She’s sitting on the toilet, panties down around her ankles, ripping open the box that contains the test. Last night at dinner was so casual. I was actually able to relax, and fucking smile, despite the fact that I was with Hannah.
Then she laid it on me.
“I’m late.”
“For what?”
“God.” She rolled her eyes harshly at me. “Late, Justin. You know what I mean.”
I sat back and a nervous laugh escaped me. “You can’t be. I mean…we haven’t even had sex in…”
“A month. Thanksgiving weekend?”
I remembered then. We’d been alone, she’d been clingy and I’d been well…horny. It just happened. I hadn’t used a condom because I was naive enough to think she’d been using the pill.
Now I’m trapped.
A baby with Hannah. I’m going to have to marry her now. Our families won’t accept anything less.
“I feel like you knew exactly what you were doing.”
She continues to read the paper instructions as she answers me. “It was inevitable, Justin. We’re meant to be together. You had your little rendezvous with Maggie, and now she’s moved on. It’s time for you to do the same, and I think this will be a perfect start, don’t you?”
“I never said I was ready for a kid, Hannah.” I grit my teeth as I say it, but I’m trying so hard not to yell at her. If she is pregnant, I know it’s not her fault alone. I slept with her when I knew my heart wasn’t in it. It was just about pleasure, but now…this. I’m still responsible, though. I can’t turn my back on her…
Or I guess I should be saying them.
“You’ll learn to be ready. Babies are just part of life, Justin. You’ve been taking great care of Tyler, so it’s not like you haven’t had practice.” She says it softly, and smiles as she begins to pee on the little white stick that will determine the rest of my life.
“How long until we know?”
“About two minutes.”
I lean back against the wall and close my eyes, making sure to take in a deep breath before I start hyperventilating. The room fills with silence for what seems like years, and then, finally, Hannah speaks again.
“You wanna see?”
“Not really.”
“Just look at it.”
I force my eyes open, and push off from the wall. She’s smiling up at me, and I know what the answer is before I even look at the results of the test.
Pregnant
“Are you going to say anything?”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”
A stern look takes over her expression, and she quickly gets up from the toilet and pulls her underwear back up. She sets a firm stance in front of me, and shoots me a glare. “We’re having a baby, Justin. Let that sink in for a minute before you say anything else, all right?”
I look at the floor and let out a breath. She’s right. I’m too smart to act like a dumb ass right now. I’m the best lawyer in my field, and have a good head on my shoulders. I love kids, and having a baby with Hannah will only bring us closer, only give me a reason to fall in love with her like everyone always wanted me to. Tyler will have a place her with us. A family to make him whole again, and those should be the things to focus on. I shouldn’t be thinking about the past, how sick I was, or how shitty I’ve felt ever since I woke up in the W hotel alone that morning.
“We have a chance, Justin. We have a chance to really be something, you know?” She steps closer to me, and strokes my face lightly with her hands. “Don’t make me go through this by myself.”
“I…” I pause and lick my lips. “I would never make you go through something like this alone, Hannah.”
“I’m not afraid that you might leave. It’s your walls that scare me. You build them up so high Justin…” She sighs a little, and pulls my face closer to hers. “Please say you’ll try to make this work. I already know that I never stopped loving you. With a little more effort, I know you could love me.”
She gives me a deep kiss on the mouth. I don’t pull away.
“I’ll make a doctors appointment to be sure of everything,” she promises me with a smile. “It’ll be after Christmas of course, but I’ll let you know when it is, so you can come. They’ll probably do an ultra sound so we can see the baby for the first time, and then…we can start making plans, right?”
“Yeah…all right.” My forced smile escapes. It’s back. That suppression. That dread. That misery that comes with being with someone you don’t love but force yourself to be with.
There’s nothing else left for me now. No where to turn. I may not love Hannah, but it’s a way out, and a way to carry on my families legacy and hers.
“Can you help me finish packing so we can head out?”
I nod, and simply walk behind her in a daze. She begins piling things into my arms to put into our suitcases, and I perform the task obediently. Everything is a blur, nothing seems to make sense, but then my mind begins to clear as reality rears its ugly head. We’re spending Christmas with my parents. I can’t help but let the despair sink in. Do I tell them? If I do, they’re going to ask if we’re engaged again. What do I say? I haven’t said anything about getting married to Hannah, but to be honest we haven’t had much time to talk about all that. It’s next on the list I’m sure. Whether we talk about it on the trip to the Island or over the holiday break, it’s certain that I’ll put a ring back on her finger by New Years so I don’t look like some kind of deadbeat. There’s no more choices now, just obligations.
In an instant, my life has turned out exactly the way it was always planned out to be, and I have no choice but to accept it.
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