July 25, 2017

10:00pm

The London West Hollywood

1020 N San Vicente Blvd, West Hollywood, CA 90069

I've worked some mind numbing cases in my career.  Some kept me up for days, others, a few weeks, because I refused to lose any battle, I refused to be less than perfect.  But this case? By far, it's the one that's wreaked the most havoc on my emotions.  In the courtroom today, following my meeting with Maggie, I poured everything I had into my argument in front of the judge, whipping out every tactic, every law trick I'd ever learned.  I fought harder for her than I had for any other client my entire career.

And the whole time, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.

I still love her.  Still.  As broken as she is.  As selfish as she's been.  As much as I've moved on with my life.

Those feelings won't ever change.  I have to accept it.

The focus is getting back to New York, Hannah, and my baby that's on the way.  That's safe, that makes sense, no matter how angry Hannah might be with me right now.  She's not quite ready to turn her back on me, not after she worked so hard to get pregnant so she could trap me. Barking threats at me is just her way of trying to protect her investment, but she wouldn't leave.  She never leaves.

That's why I put up with her.  I don't have to be alone.

It's a crappy way to live.  The worst way to live.  Standing in front of that judge, fighting for Maggie's freedom ripped every emotion out of me today.  It showed me how far I had to go before I would ever fall out of love with her, and that Hannah was just a convenient replacement that happened to be pregnant with my child.  If the baby wasn't in the picture I wouldn't think twice about leaving her to pursue things with Maggie.

I'd have another chance, after all.

Because her case got thrown out.

I sat in the hallway after the judge made his ruling and deemed Maggie's case one of obvious self defense that never should have been brought in front of him to begin with.  I breathed a sigh of relief on that bench, and sobbed into my hands slightly, knowing I'd done it, I'd gotten her out, but had no idea what that meant for her.

It was stupid to think she would come back to me.  

I didn't go to see her.  I sent the update to the prison, and she should have been released a couple of hours ago.  I arranged a car for her, and a room here at this hotel, until she can decide what her next move will be.  I'll stay for an extra day to ensure she can handle herself, and then I'll go back to New York, determined to put my life back where it was, even though I don't know how all of this is going to affect her life, personally or professionally.  The judge may have thrown the case out, but that won't change public perception of what happened between her and Tad, or any attempts he or his family may make to file a civil case against her.

I just can't save her anymore.  Not if I want a fighting chance at raising my daughter, and Hannah uses that as a weapon against me.  She knows I love the baby and want the baby, so she'll stop at nothing to ensure I focus on her and only her.  I may be a good lawyer, but Hannah is cunning.  She'll get her way in the end, and I'm not ready to lose my daughter over an attempt at having...something...with Maggie.  
I love her, but she's not worth that, as painful as it is to admit.

I finish packing my suitcase, and settle in with room service and a pointless sitcom.  I don't call Hannah.  I can't stomach another belittling conversation with her tonight, and I pray she decides to leave well enough alone until I get back to the city.  Just a day without her griping and bitching would clear my head a lot, and it's important I get that.  I've contemplated turning my phone off more than once, but in fear of the firm or a client trying to get a hold of me, I've kept it on.

It starts to ring halfway through another episode of Friends, and my stomach turns, dreading who might be calling.  I clutch the phone in my hand, not allowing myself to look at the caller ID as I answer.

 "Timberlake."  

I wince in anticipation.

"Hey."

Maggie.

I rub my face with my free hand and flick the TV off.  "Hey, did you get released?"

"Yeah, just pulled up to the hotel and got checked in.  I thought I should call...just to let you know. I was...sort of hoping you would have called before my papers came through."

"Yeah...well..." I trail off and manage to get my thoughts together being sure to avoid they subject of why I didn't call her.  "I mean, it's great great they got you out so quickly.  I'm glad you got settled.  Just let me know if anything else comes up, but you're free to leave whenever you want.  Have a good night, and good luck."

I try to hang up.

"Justin, wait a second."

I sigh.  "Maggie I just...I need to go."

"I wanted to thank you," she says quickly.  "For whatever battle you fought for me today.  I...I know that I didn't deserve anything from you, and you still did everything you could for me."

"I...I wouldn't have let them take you down like that.  But I just, I can't go there with you anymore.  I can't focus on you anymore.  I shouldn't have even started that conversation at the jail today.  That was stupid on my part.  Things went down a certain way, and the best thing I can do is accept it, and move on."

"I understand." She says it quietly.  "I just...I wish you the best with everything, you know?  I don't want there to be any bitter feelings between us."

"Yeah." I pinch the bridge of my nose, squeeze my eyes shut, holding in every single thing my heart wants me to say right now.  I won't do it.  I refuse to do it anymore.  "I appreciate it, Maggie."

"Good luck, Justin," she says quietly.

"Yeah.  You too."

She hangs up first, and I know now more than ever, that I'll never see her again.

I do my best to get to sleep after I finish eating, but I keep tossing, turning, and waking up from some strange dream that's mixed with Maggie and Hannah and Benjamin all telling me what they think my life should be like.  I can't get their voices out of my head, so I stagger into the bathroom and run the faucet, splashing freezing cold water on my face over and over again until I'm panting so hard that I'm forced to stop.  I'm a fucking mess, and alone.  I sob as I slide down onto the tile, rub my face harshly, and grab my phone from my trouser pocket, since I never changed out of my court clothes today.  It's four am in New York, but I know that Hannah is probably awake, uncomfortable without me being there, and even more so because of how pregnant she is.  I call her despite how much I don't want to, desperate to hear a calming voice, to hear her tell me everything will be fine once I get back to her.  That she'll take care of me.

"It's four am, Justin."

I blow out a silent breath.  "I needed to hear your voice."

She snorts a disgusted laugh.  "Since when?"

I lean my head back against the base of the sink.  She has a point, as much as I don't want to admit that right now.  "I...just thought we could talk."

"Your so pathetic, you know that?  What happened Justin? Did things not work out with Maggie?"

The answer, truthfully, is no.  I brought up what happened in New York and she blew me off, while I thought she may have come around, told me how she felt, so I could try to work things out with her.  That didn't happen, and now I have to wake up and deal with reality.  The reality is Hannah.  The reality is my baby.  That's what I need to get back to.

 "That wasn't why I came here."

"You can feed me that crap until you're blue in the face.  You forget I'm smarter and I know otherwise.  Are you all alone in your hotel room Justin? Are you restless or having trouble dealing with Maggie's rejection?  I heard you got her off, I bet you poured everything you had into this one, didn't you?"

"I didn't call you for this," I say darkly.  "I called to talk to you about us."

"If it wasn't for your father, there wouldn't be an us.  I was ready to leave you.  I had my bags packed, and your shit was in the hallway.  Then your father gave me a call.  Did you know he offered me money just to stay with your pathetic, scheming ass, Justin? Gave me some song and dance about how the all that cocaine affected your judgement and you'd been through too much since Fay died, and that Maggie was just a way of you venting all of that out of your system?  He practically begged me to say," she cackles.  "Like I was your last glimmer of fucking hope or something. He's lucky I can fake compassion so easily, even with this pregnancy."

"He paid you?"  I sound like a fucking idiot.  

"Yes, Justin.  He paid me.  Probably to save you the trouble of having to do it out of your own pocket with all those child support payments you were about to owe me for the next eighteen years.  So I'm here, with the stipulation that when you get home, you are to listen to every word I say, and do everything I ask of you.  You'll run your life on the schedule I make up for you.  You'll have your career, you'll come home, and you'll spend all your free time with the baby and with me, like you're supposed to.  If you don't comply, I'll crush you like the little pussy you really are, and believe me when I tell you, Benjamin is done being so forgiving when it comes to your issues.  He'll crush you just as quickly when you come crawling back to him for help."

"We're not married yet.  You can't just..."

"I can.  I have your daughter, and I can send her away to any boarding school I wish.  You'll never see her, because I'll make sure of it.  I can make it so she never knows who you are.  You'll be a stranger to her.  Some man that made love to her mother, never a father.  She'll resent you her whole life for that."

Her words are stone cold.  I know how real the situation is now.

"You'll be home tomorrow then?"

I can hear her sly smile through the phone.  I want to smash it against the wall, scream, cry, tell her how much I fucking hate her and the trap she's put me in.  But I can't.  I can't do any of that, because she'll take the one thing I have left, away from me.  

"Justin?"

"I'll be home tomorrow."  I croak.

"That's great baby." Her voice softens back to its normal tone.  "You know...I don't want to be like this with you.  I want us to be happy.  I know we can be, as long as you do your part, and now, I'm positive that you will.  I'll see you tomorrow."

She hangs up.

For a long time, I just sit there, stunned.  I shouldn't be this shocked, I know.  Hannah is manipulative.  Hannah gets what she wants, especially from me, now she just has a pawn to intimidate me with.  Unfortunately it's our daughter.  I hate her for this.

I hate Benjamin for enabling her.

But there's nothing I can do now, except comply.