December 24, 2014
11:00am
Harrison & Fink, Attorneys at Law
598 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
“I’m going for the gold and assuming your date worked out last night.”
“Why would you assume that?” I cradle my cell between my neck and shoulder, only half with her as I skim through an email from a client.
“Because you didn’t come home,” she giggles. “You’re lucky I love you so much. Tyler was asking me all kinds of questions that I had to bullshit my way through.”
“It’s not what you think.” I start typing out a response, my fingers clicking the keys harshly in frustration.
“What happened this time?”
She sounds disappointed, and I knew she would be. Unlike most of the others, Fay knows this woman I tried to go on a date with. My whole family does, actually. Our parents are friends. I’ve failed yet again, in their eyes, and it’ll be the top subject at Christmas dinner tomorrow.
I stopped caring about my family's opinions after law school, my sister being the only exception. We’re three years apart, but I’ve been close with her since the day my parents brought her home from the hospital. Fay, my little baby sis, I can’t imagine life without her.
But I might have to start.
I completely avoid her question. "Is he mad that I wasn't there to tuck him in?"
"You know Tyler's attention span," she laughs. "He's focused on what he's going to get under the tree. He's probably forgotten all about your little absence by now."
I love hanging out with my nephew. When my sister and I were growing up, we were never home long enough to simply enjoy being kids, so I get to experience it through his eyes. We both went to a prestigious boarding school in upstate New York, where we were taught to act like little adults. Yes, our childhood was there during the summer and holidays, but even then, we were always expected to act a certain way. Well behaved, and polite, never loud or playful, and we weren't allowed to ask for anything in front of company.
I didn't make friends easily. I had acquaintances at school, but those relationships didn't extend beyond the classroom or study groups. I didn't go out for lacrosse or the swim team, I buried myself in my schoolwork instead, and was quickly labeled as nerdy. It turned me into a loner, but it was easier for me. I guess it helped me to fall in love with the law when the time came. It was my escape from how alienated I felt from my classmates and my parents. My sister, on the other hand, fell in with the social circle at school because of who our father was. She used it to her advantage, surrounded herself with as many people as she could so she wouldn't be lonely. It never stopped us from being close. We always made it a point to talk every week, and be our own little family, since our parents never seemed to have time for that.
It was really hard on her when I graduated and left to attend Yale. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened next, but if it hadn't, I wouldn't get to spend all my time with Tyler and give him the carefree childhood I never had.
When she got pregnant at sixteen, it was the first time in our lives our parents realized she was still just a kid. I was away at school in Connecticut, but my sister was allowed to come home and be privately tutored until the baby was born. After that, she was enrolled in an elite private school close to home, and was allowed to have a somewhat normal end to her adolescence. Tyler was basically raised by our parents during that time, but when Fay graduated, she made sure to take full control of her son, and move the hell out of that house. She started college courses, graduated, and started working as an executive marketing rep for a retail company.
She was doing really well. Her life was set, and I was so happy for her. I get angry a lot these days. I feel like she's been cheated, after struggling so hard between our parents and trying to raise Tyler without them butting in. She tells me I shouldn't be, that sometimes life has a funny way of working out.
I just can't understand. I'lll never understand.
"Enough about Tyler," she continues. "You haven't answered my question. What happened?"
“We just didn’t click, that’s all. I wasn’t interested.”
“Okay, fine,” she laughs. “But that still doesn’t explain why you didn’t come home.”
“I was helping out a friend.” Damn it, I really don’t want to discuss Mags with her. That friendship is the one thing I have that doesn’t involve my family whatsoever. I know if it did, they would pester me about why I can’t find a nice girl like her to settle down with.
It’s not that I don’t want to settle down. I just haven’t found anyone that captures my interest, or anyone I feel would understand my personal situation at home. Maggie would understand, I know she would, yet…I haven’t told her what goes on at home, or why I sometimes have to cancel happy hour plans we made a week ago, at the last second. I’m scared of revealing that to her, just like I’m scared of telling her how I feel.
It’s ridiculous. I know she would listen, and she might even have good advice for me.
I’m just so protective of them, my sister and my nephew. They’ve been through enough, and I’m trying to give them the best life possible, until the inevitable happens. It’s really difficult, admitting it to myself. I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my sister is terminally ill. Some days she does so well that I forget how sick she is. I start thinking she’ll be around to watch Tyler graduate high school, go to college, and start a family.
But then there are her bad days, the ones that immediately give me a reality check, the ones that prove she's declining rapidly. I'm going to lose her and I'm so damn scared. I don't know how I can move forward if she's not around. She may be younger than me, but I’ve always admired her.
She’s the bravest person I’ve ever known.
“A friend?” The curiosity fills her voice. “Justin, you don’t have friends.”
“I have friends."
“Really? Who am I, Mom? Tyler and your business colleagues don't count."
“It was a co-worker,” I grumble. “Satisfied?”
“You’re not going to give me details are you?”
“No.”
“Fine.”
“So what happened at the appointment yesterday? What’d they say?”
Fay was diagnosed with ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s Disease, just over a year ago. It was so sudden, we never saw it coming. The symptoms started out simple enough not to make us think twice, but as they grew more intense, we pushed her to make an appointment with the doctor. She would come home from work, complaining of cramping in her hands and feet. Some days, she would barely be able to get out of bed, and she fell a lot. We all figured it was something that had an easy fix, a miracle drug or surgery that would rid her of the problem. When the doctors said it was ALS, no one in my family was prepared to handle it, including me.
She’s deteriorated rapidly since then. First she lost feeling in one leg, then both, and she went into the wheelchair. Her arms and hands have been acting up recently. I finally broke down and got her into an electric wheelchair, because she can barely lift a book on her own, let alone push the wheels on a chair. Soon, both limbs will be useless just like her legs are, and she'll barely be able to function without help. Once the disease spreads to her chest she’ll have to go on a ventilator. Her speech is already affected. She slurs on her bad days, and at times she has trouble swallowing. Once she went into the manual wheelchair, my fathers solution was to put her in a high end care facility. She and Tyler had been living with our parents then, because of the diagnosis. He said it would be easier, as if tossing my sister into a home because she was sick was perfectly acceptable.
It wasn’t to me.
So I packed up Fay and Tyler, and moved them into my house. I hired a nurse to stay with her five days a week while I’m at work, but I know Fay’s care is starting to turn into more than a one person job. She going to need round the clock care in the matter of a couple of weeks. While I’ve promised myself that I can do what Matilda can't…the more I see her decline, the more I have to accept that I can’t work, take care of Tyler, and tend to Fay too. It’s impossible.
“It’s the next stage, Justin. We knew this was coming. If it happens like they say, I’ll be completely dependent in the matter of a few weeks. I won’t be able to eat or go to the bathroom on my own anymore.”
I focus on my computer screen, hard. I don’t want to accept the news. This is happening too fast. Six months ago she was walking. Walking with a cane, but still, she was walking. When they said she would need to start using a wheelchair, I didn’t think much of it, but I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept that my sister was getting worse, because if I did, it meant that her requests of me were very real, and I would be without her entirely too soon.
“Justin say something.”
I sniffle and blow out a long breath. “It’s just some stiffness. You have to build up more muscle in your arms. It'll be okay.”
My denial is more than obvious. I know better, or at least I should, by now.
“Dad says we should start looking into Verdan again. Mom said it isn’t the worst choice.”
“Right. I hope you told them that I’m not looking into fucking Verdan and that Dad should mind his own business, since he never wanted to deal with this from the beginning.”
Shit. I hate when I slip with her. She doesn’t deserve it, especially on Christmas Eve. We’ve known for awhile that this might be her last at home with us.
“Don’t you think it will be better for Tyler,” she says gently, ignoring my outburst like she always does. “He’ll be able to be in the house without the constant reminder of what I’m going through. I don’t want him to see Matilda spoon feeding me, having to bathe me, or clean me up when I have an accident.”
“So I’m supposed to throw you in a home like an invalid? I…I promised you I wasn’t going to let that happen. You deserve privacy and as much time with Tyler as possible.”
“No one is throwing me anywhere, Justin. Verdan is the Four Seasons of care facilities. I know what you promised, but you have a career. It’s not fair for you to give up the rest of your life, because I’m sick. Matilda can only work so many hours in a day. If I don’t get around the clock care at Verdan, you’re going to have to pick up her slack.”
“Then I will! I don’t give a fuck about my career. It doesn’t matter to me, Fay. You and Tyler—that’s what’s important. I’ll quit. I can do legal work from home.”
“You don’t mean that, Justin.” She sighs heavily. “You’ve worked much too hard to quit now. Dad is a hundred percent convinced you're going to get the partnership after the holidays."
"I don't want the fuckin' partnership," I grumble.
"I swear to God, paralyzed or not, I will find a way to kick your ass boy. You've worked hard for this, and you deserve it."
“Fay, I just... I can't think about that right now. Don't you get it? I..." I trail off and rub my forehead. "I'm having a hard time with this."
"I realize that, but you can't let it stop your life."
I've said those same words to Maggie more times than I can count.
Maybe I should be looking in the mirror, but then again, nobody she loves is this sick.
"Fay, I can take care of you, all right? I know—I know how much work it’s going to take. I’ve been over it in my head a million times. It seems impossible to get everything done between work and Tyler, but I’m willing to try. You know I’ll try as hard as I can.”
“You can’t do it all, so just…stop trying to make yourself believe that you can. It’s been months since you started taking care of me, and it’s been wonderful. I don’t think I’ve been this comfortable, or hell…this happy, since we moved in with you. But Matilda has her hands full now, it’s been getting harder for her to do the job, and Tyler can see that things are getting worse. It’s confusing him. We agreed from the beginning, that we wouldn’t put him through that. You promised me.”
“I--I know…” I trail off and bite down on my bottom lip, refusing to lose control of my emotions over the phone. “We can get a second opinion, you know? I mean, that doctor could be wrong.”
“He’s not wrong. Justin, you’re smarter than this. You’ve always been the logical one. You knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s foolish to live in denial. I stopped that a long time ago.”
“They said it wouldn’t be this quick.” I bite down on my knuckles, and then the tears force their way out of my eyes. Shit.
Not here. Not today.
“They never guaranteed that,” she reminds me. “They said one to three years. This is the worst case scenario, that’s all. I drew the short straw, I guess.”
She laughs it off.
“How is this funny to you?”
“Do you want me to be hysterical?” She snaps at me, her real personality shining through the sickness.
I miss her already.
“No.”
“I’m done being a mess over it. I want to spend the rest of my time at peace…with everything. They told me I could move into the facility in a few days if I felt the need. We have to prepare for that. We have to be ready to get Tyler through my absence if I have to be moved into Verdan on short notice.”
“It sounds like you’ve already made your mind up.”
“Justin I love you, and I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for Tyler and I, but I can’t continue to live in your house like this. I…I refuse to. It’s a great house, but it’s not the most wheelchair friendly, and I’m tired of being carried upstairs to bed like a child. I’ve…I’ve already started the paperwork with dad so I can move into Verdan after the New Year. I didn’t want to spring the news on Christmas Eve, but I guess I don’t have a choice, since you won’t see my side of this. I want to put it out in the open right now, without Tyler knowing. This is my choice, and I’m not reconsidering.”
“After the New Year?” I squeeze the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “That soon?”
“We’ll get through it to-gurth—-to-tath—“
She stops trying and is silent for several moments. The slurring is back. She’s been doing better with that.
“Fay?”
“She ooo a‘ome.”
“I’ll see you at home. Can I talk to Matilda?”
“F-ain.”
She’s on the line within seconds.
“Hello, Justin.”
“She’s slurring,” I whisper.
“She is.”
“Has she been bad today?”
“It’s not her best day. She’s been stressed because of the visit to the doctors. Getting in and out of the van yesterday really wore her out. I think it has a lot more to do with that. She has speech therapy the day after Christmas. That may help.”
I rub my forehead, desperately trying to hold the rest of my tears back. “Can you make sure she eats something and gets some rest?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
I end the call and sit at my desk for several moments, covering my face with my hands, trying like hell to rid myself of the misery that has built up inside of me.
My sister is dying. It’s the first time I’ve ever faced it, head on. She’s dying, and this will be my last Christmas with her.
I feel so fucking lost and alone. I don’t know whether to scream, or cry, or just go on with my stupid career like nothing is happening. I do it every day. I hide how I feel about it. It’s easier. It’s easier to melt away into Mags, even though that’s not reality.
It’s sick, but she’s my escape. If I told her that, she’d probably want to get far away from me. That’s why I don’t tell her about Fay. I don’t want her to think I’m using her for a shoulder to cry on. I mean, I’m not…
She’s just like, the only fucking person I can talk to. The only person.
Damn it. I wish I could tell her. I really do.
I shake my head roughly, and the smallest of sobs escapes me.
“Mr. Timberlake?”
I snap to attention. Shelby, our assistant, is standing in the doorway, and I have no clue how long she’s been there. I rub at my eyes harshly. “Hey, yeah…I forgot my allergy meds. This weather…it’s been so up and down, you know? It’s really messing me up.”
She nods slightly. She doesn’t believe me, but she’d never admit that.
“What is it, Shelby?”
“Mr. Fink wants you in his office right away.”
As if my holiday wasn't crappy enough.
“Thanks, Shel.”
She leaves quickly, and I take a few minutes to gather my thoughts, and turn back into put together Justin Timberlake that pleases everyone. There’s no other choice. There never is.
I step out of my office finally, but nothing can prepare me for what I see. There’s Maggie standing by the main entrance of Harrison and Fink. She’s holding a bouquet of long stem roses, staring into the eyes of none other than her ex fiance. The jerk that turned his back on her just months ago, after an eight year relationship.
I’m staring at them, and I guess she realizes, because she glances over her shoulder after a moment. She doesn't say a word, and neither do I. Her eyes are wide, she’s freaked the hell out, and has no idea what to do. Hell, I don’t even know why Hunter is trying.
"Maggie, come on." He tells her, trying to lead her to the doors.
Whatever. Of course she’ll go back to him. She doesn’t know any better.
I shouldn’t care. I have dates lined up into 2045. I’ll find someone, eventually.
I don't wait to see if she follows him, I just walk away. I have to just…walk away. She’s a great friend, and that’s all she’ll ever be. I have to focus. Focus, Justin. Focus on the bosses and Fay. You can’t afford to do anything else.
I’m at their door within seconds, and Vivian tells me I can go right in. Thank God. One thing is simple today.
“Justin.” Barry is sitting at the desk, but Lawrence is nowhere to be found. I’m guessing he’s cut out early for the holiday. For the amount of time I’ve put in, I should be able to do that too.
“Good morning, sir.” I extend a professional handshake. Normal procedure. His smile doesn’t relent. This guy has always loved me, mostly because of Benjamin, and I’m sure that’s the only reason Maggie still has a job.
I hope it’s been worth it, sticking my neck out for her.
“Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
He motions to the chair in front of the desk, and I take the opportunity to sit. “Yeah, of course.” I flash him my best smile. How I’m managing it, I have no idea. I guess I’m just that good.
“Lawrence and I have been discussing some things. We realized that the deal we made regarding Miss Dawson, may have come down harsher on you than we intended. We never meant to put your job in jeopardy, I feel we were just aggravated at that particular moment, and made a hasty decision. Using your job as collateral is off the table."
“Well I’m still sticking by my compromise,” I shrug. “If she messes up again, it’s my ass too.”
“We’ve decided not to go down that road. Miss Dawson has her own work she needs to do to reclaim her rank at this firm, but you shouldn't be dragged through the mud with her. This conversation, really, has nothing to do with her at all. Lawrence and I don’t want you being involved with all of that, and we should have thought twice about it from the beginning. We’ve found some new candidates, and are ready to change things up a bit.”
I know what he’s going to say even before the words have left his mouth. It’s the day my father has been dreaming of for years, and the one I’ve pretty much been dreading. I never asked to be made partner, I’ve just worked hard, and it’s starting to pay off extremely well.
“We’ve been planning on making you partner for months now. We were just waiting for the right opportunity to present it to you. Unfortunately we’ve been a little distracted due to the Garbin case failing, but Lawrence and I didn’t think it would be fair to let the Christmas holiday unfold without letting you know.”
He opens his desk drawer, pulls a folder out of it, and slides it over to me. I already know that it’s my contract. They want me to take it home and review the terms of my partnership over the holiday break, and be ready to sign when I return to work. If I sign, this firm will turn into Harrison, Fink, and Timberlake, and I will become a common name in the legal world, just like my father.
I sit back slightly, leaving the folder closed on top of the desk. “What about Maggie?”
He laughs slightly. “What about her?”
“Why not her?”
“Justin, this partnership has been yours from the beginning. Surely, you must know that.”
I shift around uncomfortably. “Because of my father.”
He sits up slowly and his eyes narrow. “Because you’re the most talented lawyer I’ve worked with in fifteen years. We don’t pick based on politics. Miss Dawson isn’t right for this. She needs to work on herself, and it would be in your best interest to stop babying her. Eventually, she will need to stand on her own, without your support. Now, we're willing to keep her on, and give her the small cases that come in. Her job isn't in danger anymore, we're just going to be very...selective, with her case load. We figured that would make you content enough to sign."
I sigh harshly. I don’t think I could give him any type of answer right now. There’s too much going on. “I really need to consider this before I do anything.”
He nods slightly. “How’s Fay?”
I barely look at him. “Worse.”
He falls silent, and it’s fucking awkward. The only thing that could be worse right now is if Lawrence were here, staring me down in that creepy ass way he tends to do. At least Barry is kind of normal.
“You take the holiday,” he says, gently. “Think it over, and get back to us. If things…progress, you make sure you take a leave…as long as you need. We’ll pay you for every day you’re gone. You can count on that.”
He holds his hand out to me so I can shake it, and thank him profusely.
I don’t.
“Merry Christmas.”
He withdraws his hand, and gives me a tight, but understanding, smile. “Same to you.”
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