December 24, 2014
2:00pm
Harrison & Fink, Attorneys at Law
598 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
There's this stairwell. I stumbled upon it haphazardly during a power outage a few years back. It's an old emergency exit that was never sealed off, and the only place you can sneak a cigarette without going outside of the building. They never put the smoke alarm back in. In fact, I doubt anybody knows this place is still here.
Thank God. During times of peak stress, it's our only salvation.
I take a long drag of my cigarette, flicking the ashes into the paper cup down by my feet. Am I hiding from my issues? I guess so, but I don't know what else to fucking do. I really don't.
We were finished. He told me so. Then he was just there, at my job, with my favorite roses and an apology. Somehow, he convinced me to come with him to the Starbucks around the corner so we could talk.
I've never been so uncomfortable in my life, and what's worse, Justin witnessed me standing there, my arms filled with flowers, staring at my ex like a fool. I'm sure he figured out we left together, and he's more than likely lost all respect for me. When I first left Hunter, Justin made me promise never to go back, no matter what things he might come up with to win me over. I told him I wouldn't, because I didn't think Hunter cared about me anymore.
Does that make me a liar for going with him? Or just an idiot?
"Your mom called me last night," he said, once we had our coffees and were settled in a booth at the back of the cafe. "We had a long talk. She told me that you've been really upset and I guess I just...realized some things. I've been a fool, Maggie. I've always known that you're a hard worker, but I felt like you would have rather been at the office than at home most of the time. I was lonely, but I shouldn't have gone to someone else for comfort. I should have talked to you about it."
"You were an asshole."
I said it harshly, but I didn't leave the table, and he smiled, because he had me right where he wanted me.
“I’d really…like to try again. Do you think you can give me another chance?”
I couldn't answer him. I looked down at my coffee and stirred it around. I knew the best thing would be to let him sweat it out, and work to gain my respect again. I've never been able to back down from Hunter though. He's always had this gripping hold over my emotions. Anything he asked of me, I would do. It always bothered him when work got in the way though. He knew how badly I wanted a partnership, but at the same time, couldn't stand that I would rather work than go home to him.
I started to wonder if it was his plan all along, letting our relationship disintegrate, so my career would be affected. He knew I would be desperate for him. I wanted to point it out. I wanted to back him into a corner like he'd done to me, when he told me he wanted his new girlfriend to stay at the apartment once in a while.
"I want this to work itself out." He said it before I could get the words out, and pulled a small box out of his pocket.
I knew it was jewelry and I sat back, rolling my eyes at him. "Hunter you can't just buy me back."
He smirked, and said nothing as he opened the box. "Could you just consider it...us? I miss you Mags."
The diamond was breathtaking. It was pink. Hunter had bought me diamond number two and it blew my mind. "What did you do?"
"You wanna put it on?" He started to take it out of the box.
"No." I said it automatically, and took my gaze off of the thing.
"I got it down in the diamond district. The guy said the cut is one of a kind. You're one of a kind too." He smiled. "I love you Maggie. I screwed up, all right? Come home for Christmas with me. I'll pick you up in a few hours. What do you say? We can take the time and really talk about things."
I didn't know what the fuck to say.
He slid the box with the ring it in across the table. "Call me when you're leaving the office." He got out of the booth and caressed my face with his hand.
I pulled away. "Stop, okay?"
He didn't listen. Instead, he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. My heart was racing and I started to tremble. It took every ounce of strength I had not to turn into a sobbing fool when our lips parted, and needless to say, I barely had any emotional stamina left.
"I'll see you later." He smirked. "Be good."
He just left me there. I was speechless, breathless, and completely confused.
I hate that he left me that way. I know he did it on purpose. He thinks he's won.
I don't want to be won over. I don't want to give in, because I've been a fucking mess over him, and I shouldn't be making this easy. I could kill my mother for butting in. She's always wanted Hunter and I to get married though. He's her ideal for me because he comes from a prominent family. Hunter's father is a senator, and the law practice he helped to get off the ground for his son is doing very well.
Is that why I stayed with him for eight years? Was it my families influence?
I just don't know.
I'm driving myself fucking crazy though, I know that much.
I hear the door at the top of the stairs creak open. There's only one other person who knows about this place, but I'm not so sure I want to see him right now. I'd rather sit here alone with the stash of cigarettes and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to tell Hunter later.
I feel sick.
"Mags?"
"Down here."
I hear the click of the flashlight being turned on, and then his footsteps are on the stairs.
"Hey."
He sits and clicks the flashlight off so only the red glow of the emergency exit sign at the bottom of the stairs remains. Justin looks drained, like someone knocked the wind out of him. I'm too much of a mess to ask him why.
"Hey," I whisper.
"You wanna share?"
I take one last drag, before I pass the cigarette to him. "They haven't gone stale yet."
"This pack is newer. I've been coming down here a lot more lately."
He didn't tell me. I haven't wanted to admit that something has been off with him the last few months. He's still been the best friend I have, but he's been retreating from me a lot more, canceling our plans without much of an explanation, or changing the subject of a conversation when it starts to get into his personal life. For awhile I thought he met someone, but when he continued to complain about his awful dates, I knew it was something else.
"Why?"
He exhales the smoke slowly. "There's some things I've been dealing with at home. I try not to drag them to work with me. I wouldn't be able to focus on my job, and one ass chewing a month from the bosses is more than enough for me."
I nod slowly. "It's okay, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I mean, I feel like I tell you all my stupid crap."
He takes another drag. "It's not stupid crap. I tend to keep things to myself. It's not you Mags. I've been this way since I can remember."
"Well, are you okay?"
He shrugs, and glances up at me after a moment. "No."
Silence takes over. I can't push him. If there's one thing I know about Justin, it's that he says what he wants to say, when he's good and ready. I respect that, and I think that's why he's so comfortable around me.
"They offered me the partnership," he finally says. “Just now.”
"Well, that was inevitable."
"I guess."
"Are you going to take it?"
"I don't have a fucking clue. They want my answer after the holiday."
"It was always meant for you, Justin."
"You're just as qualified," he tells me. "Don't let them make you think otherwise."
"I don't think--"
"Maggie I mean it."
He says it harshly. I know he's serious, and won't back down. "Well I'm flattered," I say softly. "But your decision shouldn't be based on how qualified I am. You're one of the best lawyers in the business. They'd be crazy not to give you the promotion." I reach out for the cigarette and he passes it to me.
"I don't want to give a shit, you know? I don't want it to matter. A big part of me doesn't care, but there's also that small part that lives for this business and wants it more than anything in the world. I'm torn, I guess that's the most frustrating thing. I don't want to base my Christmas holiday around a career choice."
I nod slightly as I pass the cigarette back to him. I let him smoke in silence for several moments, so he can calm down. He needs to do this, because once he goes out there, he'll force himself back into perfection. I feel like he's this trained robot. He can smile on cue and outperform the best of them. Nobody that matters is ever able to see him this way. Just me. He hides everything, buries it deep down inside of him. I don't know whether he's protecting himself, or if he simply doesn't want people to think he's vulnerable, even in the smallest sense.
"So what happened with smart ass?"
I guess I knew he'd ask. "Hunter wants me to come home with him for Christmas."
"Are you going?"
"I probably shouldn't."
"But you're considering it?"
"There's a part of me that still loves him."
"Understandable."
"What do you think I should do?"
He looks up at me and licks his lips as he scratches the back of his head.
"Justin?"
"Should I tell you what I wish you would do, or the by the book thing to do?"
"I um...well, what do you wish I would do?"
He looks into my eyes, and something inside of him seems to crumble. "I guess I wish you would come home with me."
"With you?"
He chuckles and takes another drag. "You asked."
"So what's the by the book thing?"
He sits up slightly. "Go home with Hunter, reassure your family and his that you'll be living your life the way they always intended, and hope that he doesn't fool around on you again when work gets hectic."
"Can I ask you something?"
He nods. "Of course."
"Going home with you...is that like, as friends?"
"We're already friends, so unless you want to go as enemies I guess the answer is yes."
I laugh at him and he smiles for me, passing me back the cigarette. "You're the best friend I have in the world Mags. I want you to know that, and I don't want you to spend your Christmas alone, or miserable with someone you're not sure how you feel about. You deserve better. If Hunter really cares about you, he'll have to understand that you need to time to think about getting back together."
"He gave me a bigger diamond when we sat down at Starbucks. It's pink."
"Like J Lo pink?"
"I guess." I sigh and pull the box out of my purse, cracking open the lid to reveal what's inside.
Justin leans in close and his eyebrows raise when he looks at the diamond. "Shit. That's a statement."
I shove it back in my bag and take another long drag, releasing the smoke through my nostrils. "What are you thinking?"
"I would say he's trying to prove something, but I'm biased, because my opinion of him isn't high, and that will never change."
"You don't think he can change?"
Justin shrugs. "He was pretty quick to let you go after eight years."
"Yeah, but every relationship hits a breaking point once in a while."
"You don't have to defend your relationship to me, Mags. This is the open forum stairwell. I'm not going to agree or disagree with you. I'm just saying that running right back to him is a little risky considering how whacked out your emotions have been. I think he knows that. I think he knows that you're vulnerable."
"I'm just afraid of being alone." I settle back against the wall and close my eyes. "I've never been alone before."
"You're never alone, Mags."
I open my eyes and glance down at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," he smirks slightly but quickly looks down at his lap. "I'll always be here for you."
I feel my cheeks burning, but I have no idea why. I also don't understand why my heart has started to beat a little bit faster. It's only Justin. My closest friend. "I was meaning to ask you why you were so worried about me spending Christmas on my own."
He shrugs. "No one should spend Christmas alone, that's all."
"You were pretty pissed at me earlier, when I told you to drop it."
"I know." He clears his throat slightly. "I'm fine with it now."
"Justin--"
"We better get back." He stuffs the cigarette out in the cup. "Another hour or two and we'll be done for the holiday."
He's blowing me off. I just got too personal, too close to his heart, and he's backing down. "You're serious about me coming home with you?"
"You're going to go home with Hunter." He rises to his feet and smooths out his shirt and tie.
"I didn't say that."
"No, but I know you. You love him, and that's completely cool. Come on, let's go."
He clicks the flashlight back on, and begins to lead the way back up the stairs.
I'm so fucking confused. I hate feeling this way, and I can totally relate to Justin right now. He's torn, and obviously upset about something going on at home.
Fuck it. Fuck Hunter and his pink diamond. I just don't have the patience to let it take over my holiday. After the shit I’ve been through the past couple of months, I owe myself a good time.
"Justin."
"Hm?" He pauses on he stairs and looks back down at me.
"I'd um..." I take a large breath and let it out slowly. "I'd love to spend Christmas at your place. You know, as friends."
He smiles for me. It's that genuine one I see on his face whenever we go to happy hour or camp out in his office for lunch. "Sounds great, Mags."
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