December 24, 2014
4:45 pm
Oyster Bay Railroad Station
102 Audrey Avenue, Oyster Bay, NY
I purchased my home in Long Island, about two years ago, after I made my first significant earnings at the firm. Oyster Bay is an upscale part of Long Island, and about an hour train ride from the office. The house was pretty much my dream home from the start, with the small lake out back and a sprawling back yard. I dreamed of meeting the right woman, marrying her, and raising our children in it. So far, that hasn't happened, but Tyler loves running around in the back yard, and over Thanksgiving we even tossed around the football. I guess Fay is right though, it's a great house but it's definitely not meant for someone in her condition. It's too big, and I haven't had the time to convert the staircase into an elevator. There's seven bedrooms and nine baths, and none of the bedrooms are on the ground floor. I get it, I do.
But I'd rather carry Fay upstairs for the rest of her life than see her move into Verdan.
I'm not sure about Maggie's financial situation. She should be living in a house like mine because she's a good lawyer, but instead she had to move into that rathole studio. I'm sure the lease she took out on the apartment in Brooklyn was pretty high and I have no idea how much Hunter contributed to the cause. She's told me before that they saved for the place together.
It's better not to pry. Lord knows, she's never pushed me about things.
"Have you always lived out here?"
I click the button on my car key and the lights on my Ferrari flash on and off. I leave it in the garage across from the train station when I go to work, and I can't deny I've been a little worried about her since I didn't come home last night.
"Well, my parents live in Old Westbury, but when I was growing up, I stayed at school except for the summers and holidays. Their house is about ten minutes from mine. I would have moved into the city but, uh..." I hesitate and she looks back at me expectantly.
Shit, why can't I just tell her? I mean, when she walks in my house she's going to meet my sister and see that she's sick. I have to stop this. There's no reason to keep secrets from Maggie. Not anymore.
I can't believe she's really here. I took a risk, told her I wanted her to spend Christmas with me, and she actually said yes. My stomach has been in knots ever since, because I know this is my shot. I have a real chance to prove myself to her now. Of course I'm scared, but I don't want to wimp out this time. At some point, today or tomorrow, I have to let her know how I feel. I have to tell her that she shouldn't go back to Hunter, because I know I could be good for her. I could be the man she's been searching for.
"Justin?"
"I um..." I lick my lips. "I didn't want to be that far away from my sister."
"Oh, you have a sister?" Her expression brightens. "You never told me that. Do I get to meet her?"
"Yeah," I smirk slightly. "I have a nephew too, Tyler. He's nine. They live with me. At least, for now."
"Oh..." Her expression falls slightly. It's obvious that she's starting to put two and two together, relating my "problems at home", with Fay. I should explain myself, but I just don't know if this is the right time, or place.
Still, I'd rather her be prepared for Fay, so she won't ask a ton of questions at the house. We reach my car, and I open the passenger door for her. I'm almost there, almost ready to spill my guts right here. "Mags..."
"This is a Ferrari."
I chuckle slightly. "Bonus upgrade."
"Banks case?"
"Yeah."
She nods and smiles slightly. "Your rocked that one."
"After you." I motion her to take a seat, and then I shut the door. Shit. So close.
I have to tell her. I have to.
I get into the drivers seat, and after starting up the motor, I sit, gazing out the windshield, flexing my fingers around the soft leather that encases my steering wheel.
"What's wrong?" She says softly.
I look over at her. She's so beautiful, even now. The wind has been whipping through her hair, tossing it here and there so it rests seductively around her face and on her shoulders. Her cheeks have turned pale pink because of the frigid air and her lips are a blush red color. It all brings out the color of her eyes. Emerald green. I can't get them out of my head. They're driving me wild, and the scent of her perfume is filling the Ferrari's interior now, here to stay for at least a few days.
It's so hard to sit here with her, alone, finally all mine, and not say a word about how hard I've fallen for her.
"My sister Fay, she's been sick for awhile. She's in a wheelchair, and hasn't been doing very well lately. I just want you to know now, so when you meet her, it's not as much of a shock."
"Oh..." Her eyes widen slightly. "Well, she's going to get better right?"
I suck in my bottom lip, and I can't bring myself to look at her. "No. She has ALS. It's starting to take its toll on her. She wants to go into a full time care facility after the holidays. After that, I have no idea how much longer she’ll be with us.”
"That's why you cancel on me sometimes. You've been taking care of her?"
"I've been trying," I laugh, sadly. "Nothing I do seems to make any difference."
"I'm sure it makes a difference to her, and to your nephew."
"I moved them in with me because my father wanted to just...throw her in a home as soon as she went into the wheelchair. I wanted her to have a normal life, until it wasn't possible for her to have one anymore, you know? It's been great having them at the house too. She just...she doesn't want Tyler to see her at her lowest. She'd rather do it in a home and have him be oblivious. Then you know, I ask her...I ask her what happens when she dies? Tyler won't be oblivious to that..." I laugh and then I can feel the tears on my face.
I wipe at my eyes harshly. Damn it. I shouldn't have done this here. I'm still entirely too emotional after my conversation with Fay this afternoon.
Maggie is silent. I don't think she knows what to say. Still, I make myself look at her. "This is going to be her last Christmas at home." I clear my throat and get my emotions together. "I'll do anything to make it her best one."
"You should have told me," she whispers.
"I didn't want to. I would have been a wreck at work, and you...I guess I felt you needed me to be the stable one. At times I felt you didn't have anyone else to talk to. I wanted to give you that support if I could."
"Did you have anyone else to talk to about what you were going through?" She asks me, keeping her eyes locked onto my own.
I get nervous, lick my lips and frantically think of a great lie to tell her. I can't though. I can't lie to this girl, not now, not ever. "No." It's a hoarse whisper and nothing more.
"You have to stop blocking people out," she tells me, roughly. "I've always been able to tell that it's one of your best talents. You just...fucking smile, and act like nothing phases you! You're the shoulder for my pathetic ass to lean on. I can't believe you'd hide all of this from me. I'm really pissed at you."
"Maggie..."
"No." She shakes her head roughly and crosses her arms sternly over her chest. "I'm serious. I can't believe after all the years we’ve known each other, you felt you couldn't pull me aside to tell me that your sister is really sick. What is that supposed to tell me about our friendship?"
My mouth hangs open. I don't think there's anything I can say right now to make this better. She's right. I've been a great friend to her, but friendship is supposed to work both ways. When Fay was diagnosed I simply tucked my feelings away and focused on work, but I didn't have to. I could have talked to her about this...about lots of things. I'm just figuring that out now, because I'm a fool. There's so many people in my life that have been better off without me coming to them with an issue, and I’ve just grown accustomed to keep everything to myself. Fay is the only one that's been able to get things out of me, up until now. Maggie is the only other person, but I can tell she doesn't have the patience my sister does.
"Should I put you on the next train?" I sigh.
"See, there you go again!"
“What? You said you were pissed! I didn't think you wanted to spend time with me anymore!"
"Just because I'm pissed off doesn't mean I'm going to turn my back on you! God, Justin, hasn't anyone cared about you before? All you do is push opportunity away. It's no wonder you can't enjoy a date. You're so afraid of what might happen if you let someone stick around long enough to enjoy your company!"
I look away from her and straight ahead into the garage again. "It's just how I am."
"Yeah, well maybe you need to change, before you end up completely alone."
I can't say anything. I might break down, or say something really stupid to her, like how I'm in love with her and terrified of letting her know. It prompts me to rev my engine, and put my car into drive, peeling out of the garage so I can drive home. She doesn't say a word about my recklessness, or that I should slow down once we hit the freeway. I think Maggie knows I'm upset, but she's angry too. I steal subtle glances at her as I drive, and find that she's staring straight ahead, chewing at the corner of her lip, like she's thinking very hard about something.
I wish I could blurt out every single thing that's on my mind. Things about Fay, and about her. I open my mouth several times, but the words won't form. My throat goes dry. She's too beautiful when she's angry, and I'm terrified she won't understand or just tell me to get over it. To grow up. That's what Benjamin has told me in the past, when I was upset about Fay.
I'm failing. I don't fail at anything usually. Well, except romance.
It must be my epic flaw.
And I suddenly regret asking Maggie to Christmas.
***********
December 24, 2014
5:45 pm
Timberlake Residence
43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY
My phone has been buzzing inside my pocket since before we left the office. Of course it’s Hunter, and the dozen voicemails he’s left must be asking why I haven’t called, or if I’m still coming home with him for Christmas. At first I was tempted to call back and tell him what was going on, but then, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was time for him to suffer, just like I had.
I don’t regret what I’ve done to him on Christmas, and I fully intend to give both engagement rings back after the holiday. I have to face facts. He’s just not the love of my life anymore. Maybe he never was. Things were simpler in college. I was away from my parents for the first time, and aside from classes, I had no other responsibilities. It was easy for me to fall for a guy like Hunter, because he knew so much about the world, and life, having come from an affluent household with every advantage at his beck and call. I was easily impressed then, and now that I think about it, I let him have complete control over what we did, and who we were friends with. When we moved to New York, he still thought that my career was just going to be something on the side, while his life, social and professional, would dominate our relationship.
I took me eight years to see his real personalty rear its ugly head. Christ, I almost married him.
I guess I’m on my own now.
Well…almost.
The house is a classic Long Island dream right out of Better Homes and Gardens. Fully decked out with elaborate lights and goofy holiday lawn ornaments, you'd never know that there wasn't a big happy family celebrating the holiday beyond the front doors. All of this has been done for Tyler, the nine year old little boy that lives here, I'm sure. That means Justin cares more about his sister and nephew than anything else on the face of the planet.
I could tell just by his tone, that "it's taking its toll" means his sister won't be around to enjoy the following Christmas season with her son, or with him. This is her last, and the more I think about that, the guiltier I feel about yelling at him in the car.
Damn it, he really deserved it though.
A part of me is still so furious with him. The debilitation of a family member's health is a lot more important than my relationship troubles, yet he didn't give me any hint that it was happening to him. I guess I'm a little hurt. By now, I figured we were close enough that he would have come to me with an issue like that.
The fact that he didn't is making me question our entire friendship. At the same time though, I can't stay mad at him. His eyes lit up as soon as we pulled into his driveway, and that smile took over. The genuine one. I knew he was finally excited about the holidays, and I really didn't want to spoil his mood.
“If you still want to go home, I can take you back.”
Ever the gentleman, he’s opened the passenger side door for me and is holding his hand out for me to take.
“I didn’t say I wanted to.”
“Yeah, but I know you’re not happy with me.”
I sigh harshly and narrow my eyes at him. “How about you shut up.”
He frowns.
“Look, I just thought we were close,” I tell him. “I figured you would have told me something like this, right away.”
“We are close.” He stares at the ground. “I just…I have trouble.”
“Trouble?”
“Yeah.”
“Trouble with what? Talking?”
“I don’t know.” He finally looks at me again, and rubs his hand over his head. “I…I’m uncomfortable telling people that I’m upset, or having a hard time.”
“You tell me about your dates.”
He laughs softly. “That’s different.”
I roll my eyes and get out of the car on my own. “Timberlake, I’m giving you a pass, all right? Lord knows, getting my drunk ass out of the tub has to count for something. I’m not mad at you anymore, but if something serious is going on with you, I expect you to tell me from now on, all right?”
“Yeah.” He smiles for me again. “All right.”
I hug him then. I’m not sure what makes me do it, but when I feel his arms around me, holding me tight, it makes me feel different. Not a ‘we’re spending christmas as friends’ different. But really different. The scent of him, the soft sound of his breath against my neck, the feeling of his heart beating through his shirt, is sending me into sensory overload. I feel myself begin to sweat, and my heart beings to race, just like earlier in the stairwell.
Shit, this can’t be good. It’s that rebound crap, taking over. I’m still a mess from Hunter, and that’s all.
“You okay?” I force myself to pull away from him, and he seems a little disappointed.
“Uh, yeah.” He nods quickly and straightens out his jacket, but won’t look at me. “Yeah, we’re good. You wanna go in?”
“Well it is pretty cold.” I laugh to lighten the awkwardness, and its the only thing that seems to snap him out of whatever it is.
“Come on.” He smiles and takes my hand, pulling me towards the wheelchair ramp that leads up to his front door.
I don’t pull away. I just let him do it. Strangely, it feels right. It feels good and I feel the warmth and comfort flowing through my veins for the first time in months.
But this is Justin. My best friend. I can’t start to feel any other way about him. No, because those kind of things never go well. I couldn’t bare to lose him, if things didn’t work out in the end.
Justin unlocks the door and leads the way inside the house. I look up and all around, gazing at the comforting surroundings. It looks like something out of a Williams-Sonoma catalog. The white crown molding with the mahogany wood floors, staircase, and trim. The brass door handles and the oriental rugs. I fall in love immediately, and the heavenly scent of of Christmas cookies wafting in the air from elsewhere in the house is the icing on the cake.
I want to stay here. I never want to leave, and that’s very bad.
“Mags?”
I snap to attention. “Yeah, sorry.”
“What’s wrong? Do you hate my house or something?” He laughs.
“No,” I chuckle. “I just…I love it here.”
His eyes get a little wider. “You just got here.”
My cheeks begin to burn, yet again. “I can’t explain it. It feels like Christmas now, that’s all.”
He stares at me, like I just blew his mind.
“UNCLE JUSTIN!”
Before either of us can react, a small boy who could only be Tyler flies towards us at full speed, throwing himself into Justin’s arms when he gets close enough.
“Uncle Justin! You didn’t come home last night!”
“Whoa, bud!”
Tyler wraps his arms around Justin’s neck and buries his face in his shoulder. “Why didn’t you come home?”
Justin plants a kiss on the top of his nephews curly brown hair. “Mommy told me you were over it.”
“I missed you,” Tyler whispers.
Justin sighs. “I’m here okay? I’m not going anywhere right now.” He tightens his embrace around Tyler and boosts him up in his arms. “You’re getting to heavy for this,” he laughs. “Come on, it’s Christmas. There’s no time to cry.”
“Grampy said this is why we shouldn’t live here. He said you’re busy at work.”
Within seconds I see Justin’s carefree demeanor fade away. He looks serious now, strained, and tense. He gently places Tyler on the floor, and bends down slightly, wiping the tears off of Tyler’s face. “When was Grampy here?” He doesn’t stay it roughly, but I can tell it’s taking a lot for him to keep his mood in check.
“He came to talk to mommy this morning. They were arguing. She made me go upstairs.”
“Okay.” He tousles Tylers hair. “Don’t worry about it, all right? I smell cookies! Did you guys bake?”
“Sugar and Chocolate chip! Matilda helped me!” He smiles brightly.
“Oh you baked them?” Justin laughs. “Wow, I’m impressed, Ty.”
“We used your recipe!”
Justin glances back at me slightly, as if he just remembered that I’ve been standing here. “Well I can’t wait to try them. Can you say hello my friend Maggie?”
Tyler’s gaze finally lands on me. You can tell he’s a Timberlake just by how tall he is, and the nose. The nose is the same as Justin’s, a family trait. He’s cute as a button too, but I won’t tell him that. Most boys his age get embarrassed and grossed out, and I don’t want to create that as my first impression.
“Hi, who’re you?” Tyler asks, his eyes wide with wonder. “Are you Justin’s girlfriend?”
My face burns.
“Tyler…” Justin trails off, the nerves apparent in his voice.
“I um…no. I work with your uncle, in the city.” I force a smile. “We’re friends.”
“Oh.” He frowns for a moment, but then it turns into a smile. “Are you going to spend Christmas with us?”
“That’s the plan,” I chuckle.
“Matilda!” He yells. “Matilda! We gotta make more cookies! Uncle Justin brought his friend!”
He races away.
r32;“Tyler!” Justin yells after him. “God…I’m sorry,” he laughs as he turns back to me. “He’s a bundle of every type of emotion, most of the time. I’ve never brought anyone home before.”
“I think he’s sweet,” I chuckle. “He seems like a lot of fun.”
“He is,” Justin nods. “He’s a lot of work though. He never got to meet his dad, so he needs a lot of attention from me. When I have to work overtime, or go on a business trip for the firm, he gets really upset. The Banks case nearly drove him out of his skull. If it wasn’t for FaceTime I have no idea what we would have done.”
“I’m starting to get your feelings about the partnership.”
He sighs a little. “Well, I’m glad someone does,” he says gently. “I’m just going to get changed, all right? The kitchen is right down the hallway to the left, if you feel like joining Matilda and Tyler in their baking festivities. Matilda is my sisters nurses aid, but she sort of doubles as a babysitter for me these days. She’s a really nice girl though. You gonna be okay for a minute?”
“Oh…yeah.” I force a smile, but I know how uncomfortable I am.
“All right.” He flashes that great smile of his for me. “I’m…I’m really glad you came,” he nods. “It means everything to me, Mags.”r32;
I stare at him, breathless. He’s never been so upfront with me before, and I don’t know what to make of it. What do I say? I mean, he looks so damn happy right now. I’ve never seen him this way, in all the years I’ve known him. To know that I’m causing those emotions is making my head spin. “It does?”
“It does.” He licks his lips. “I um…” He trails off and laughs as his eyes meet the floor again. “Maggie I…” He starts over but stops again, shaking his head roughly.
“Justin?”
“I’ll…” He lets out a large breath. “I’ll just be a few minutes.”
He turns and walks up the stairs. I’m completely confused, but something deep down inside is starting to burn brighter. Something that I feel has been hiding out for a really long time. It’s longing, and it’s telling me that I’m starting to long for him.
But that’s just nuts.
