December 24, 2014

6:30 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

“Are you okay?”

I hear Fay at the doorway but I don’t turn to face her.  “I’m just changing.”

“That’s the fourth outfit you’ve put on.”

“You’ve been watching me? Isn’t that kind of like incest?”

“Whatever, you’ve seen me naked more times in the past month than I’d like to think about.  I think it’s only fair.”

I’m so fucking mad at myself.

She must think I’m a fool by now. In fact, when I go back downstairs, I’m fulling expecting her to call a cab and go back home.  It’s childish that I can’t tell her how I feel. I was almost there, but I chickened out.  I did it again.

I’m a fucking fool.  I don’t know what to do anymore. Giving up would be a hell of a lot easier.  I can’t do it though.  Back there, at the stairs, she looked so beautiful and it took my breath away.  I don’t know why.  She hasn’t had the chance to freshen up yet.  I guess it’s just because we’re here at the house, and it’s Christmas, and she was smiling.  Those feelings I have for her kept building up, more and more until I thought I was going to explode.

I know I love her, even if that deems me psychotic.  I can’t lie to myself, right?  I feel in love with her years ago, there’s no escape.

There’s nobody else for me.

But I can’t get the words out.  It’s fucking killing me.  I know I’ll watch her walk away from me the day after Christmas, and let our lives get back to normal.  I think I can take rejection from the strangers I go on dates with.  I’m unaffected.  But rejection from Maggie will be as bad as losing Fay at some point next year.  I can’t risk that kind of pain.  I don’t think I’d survive it.

“It’s just us.”  I hear her wheelchair gliding into my bedroom.  “I mean, you’re going to be coated with sauce and flour in a few minutes.”

“I brought a guest,” I grumble.

This is the hard part.  My sister won’t believe for a minute that I’ve brought Maggie home as a friend.  One look at my expression and she’ll have me figured out, because she knows me better than anyone on the planet.  I don’t want to answer her questions, and I don’t want Maggie to get uncomfortable and start asking me questions either.

“A guest?”

I finally turn, holding my breath as I give her the once over, hoping for the best.  My heart sinks when I see that one of her arms is curled into her lap, unmoving. The other arm is resting on the arm of her power chair, strapped into place so it can’t slip off, allowing her fingers to push her joystick forward and back.  This is it for Fay.  Soon she won’t be able to maneuver herself around at all.  She’ll need someone to push her. I’m starting to understand why she wants this full time care, but I don’t want to accept it.

“Stop staring, Justin.”

I meet her gaze.  “Fay…”

“Look, I’m making the best of it,” she whispers.  “You should too, for Tylers sake.”

“How are you going to eat.” My voice trembles, and I fight off the tears.  

“Matilda is still here,” she smiles. “She said she’d get us through dinner, and if you’d be so kind to help me out, I’d really love some of that Apple Pie you’ve been going on about for a week.”

A feeling of disgust comes over me.  Tonight is fine.  I know Maggie is a good person and won’t say anything while I’m feeding my sister dessert, but tomorrow at our parents house…I don’t know if I can stomach the way they’ll probably treat her at the dinner table.  “What about tomorrow?”

“You can take Tyler,” she nods.  “I’m not going to Mom and Dad’s.”

“Why?”

“I would just rather not,” she sighs.  “Justin, you shouldn’t have to ask me, you know?”

“Tyler said Dad came by.”

“Yeah.” She rolls her eyes.  “He did.”

“And?”

“I’d rather just talk about it later, okay?”  She looks me in the eyes, and then she smiles.  “It’s Christmas Eve, and I don’t want to think about all the bullshit going on. I just want to spend time with you and Tyler and…well.” A sly smile takes over her expression.  “Your ‘guest’.”

“It’s just a co-worker.”

“Oh my god you are such a bad liar.”

“It is!”

She inches closer to me.  “I saw her out the window.  Very pretty, J.”

“She’s my co work…”

“I’m going to figure out a way to slap you if you say that again.  Who is she?”

I turn back to her, and I can’t help but let the smile break out across my face.  I forget about the chair, about the fact that I’ll have to put a bib on her and feed her like a baby in a while.  It’s just my sister right now.  Everything else seems to melt away.  “Her name is Maggie.  She’s an executive lawyer at the firm, like me.”

“So when you said you were helping your co-worker last night?” She raises and eyebrow.

“I was helping her. Her fiancé dumped her recently.  She needed a friend last night.”

“Mmhm, and how long have you had a crush on her?”

“I haven’t had a crush…Jesus, Fay!”

She laughs.  “Oh Justin, you are so cute and inexperienced about relationships.  I just want to pinch your cheeks or something.”

“It’s not a crush.” I harshly turn back to my dresser, digging for yet another outfit.

“But you like her.”

“I dunno.”

“Give me a break.”

I sigh harshly.  “It doesn’t matter if I do or if I don’t.  It would never work.”

“I knew it!”

“Fay—”

“Do I get to play match maker tonight? My wishes are coming true, finally.  I’m only sorry I spent a hundred bucks on match.com.  Lord knows you never fucking use the thing.”

“Please don’t say anything.” I quickly turn back to her.  “Please, just…let it go, okay?”

“There’s a lot of things I put up with Justin,” she says softly.  “But you spending the rest of your life alone, isn’t something I’m willing to accept.  I want to…know…that you’re going to be taken care of when I’m gone.”

“Fuck, really, you’re going to go there tonight?”

“When would you like to discuss it, then?”

I shake my head roughly.  “We already talked about this today, remember?  I’m not going to do it again right now.  Are you ready? I’ll bring you down in a minute.”

“You can’t keep avoiding the inevitable,” she tells me.  “Eventually, I won’t be here for you to lean on.  You have to figure out what you’re going to do, Justin.  I mean yeah, we discussed Verdan this afternoon but it’s obvious that you didn’t grasp the concept of our conversation.  I don’t think you’re going to be able to handle things when I’m gone.  Do you know how hard that is for me? You have next to no relationship with Dad, and Mom might as well be on another planet, because she barely knows what’s going on in your life.  You don’t keep friends, and you cast off every opportunity at having a relationship.  I mean, Tyler is lucky to have you, but he can’t be everything in your world.  I want you to fall in love and be with someone that makes you happy.  One of us should be able to have that kind of life.”

“It’s like you want me to just forget about you.  You want me to let you go into that home, and move on with my life.”

She narrows her eyes at me.  “That’s exactly what I want you to do.”

I stare at her, the anger building up inside of me.  I can’t believe her.  It’s like, she would rather I didn’t care.  Like the relationship we’ve had all our lives, shouldn’t mean shit to me anymore because she’s dying.  “I’m not just casting you off Fay! I’m not Dad!”

“Do you what you want,” she says, sadly.  “I’m just trying to prepare you for what it’s going to be like when I’m not around. It’s going to be lonely here, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to handle it.”

“Well if you would listen to me, and stay, then I wouldn’t be lonely.”  I cross my arms harshly, but I won’t look at her.

I know she’s right.  She’s looking out for me.  When she moves out, it’s going to be a different world here, and I don’t know how I’m going to react.  I could lose it all, fall into a deep depression that I won’t be able to spring back from.  I won’t have anyone to confide in, because I alienate everyone.  Even Maggie can tell that it’s what I do best.  I wish I could be different, but it’s really hard to change a lifelong personality on such short notice.  

“You know I would stay if it was the best thing for everyone.”

I nod slightly.  “I know that.”

My face is burning, and in just moments I feel the first batch of tears push out from behind my eyes and glide down my face.  I’m a wreck.  I’m a wreck and she hasn’t even left yet.  I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do, and now I have to face Maggie too.

I’m so stupid.  How the hell did it make sense to invite her here?

“Please don’t cry,” she says after a moment.  “Justin, I can’t take it.  I really can’t. Not tonight.  My speech has been somewhat okay today.  I’d really like to keep it that way for Tyler.”

I sniffle harshly and wipe my face.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.  “I just…you’re the only one…”

“I know.”  She closes her eyes for a moment and nods before opening them again and smiling for me.  “Let’s just try and have a great holiday, okay?”

I smile slightly, go over and kiss her cheek and stroke her hair.  “I love you, sis.”

“C’mon,” she chuckles.  “I want to meet this mysterious co-worker of yours.”

Oh God.