Christmas Eve.
So I don't wanna come on strong
But don't get me wrong
Your eyes are so intimidating
My heart is pounding but
It's just a conversation
No boy I'm not gonna waste it
Mommas' house is all a buzz and it's still only the three of us here. The TV in the living room is blaring as Frosty the Snowman plays out. Hannah is singing loudly with the radio in the kitchen as she finishes wrapping her gifts. Momma is upstairs in her room with Charlie, as he barks at something randomly through the window. I'm in the living room, putting the finishing touches on my gifts and arranging them all around the Christmas tree while I munch on an oatmeal cookie. I've only been here a day, but I've actually had fun. I've had a few fleeting thoughts of Justin here or there; my stomach only knotting up once at the thought of him being just a few streets away. But Hannah has done a great job at keeping me occupied.
She flounces in the room behind me, her arms full of wrapped presents. She plops down beside me on the floor and hapharzardly tosses her presents under the tree. I shoot her a deadly glance and then begin rearranging them, trying to make it look half decent, "I have a great idea." She pronounces, her big, dark eyes trained on me.
"Oh yeah? What is it?" I ask.
"Lets go have some drinks, on me." She smiles, wiggling her eyebrows up and down and biting her bottom lip.
I sigh a little, "It's Christmas eve sis."
"So?" She shrugs, "We're not going to get hammered. We can just go down to Bucks', get a shot or two and just chill out for a while. Momma won't care."
"Are you sure it's open? I mean, it's almost eight." I ask, glancing down at my Iphone and illuminating it to check the time.
She scoffs at me, slapping me lightly on the arm, "To be as smart as you are, you sure are dumb! It's a bar and it's Christmas Eve, of course it's still fucking open. Put your shoes on, we're going." She stands and turns toward the stairs, taking them two by two, "Momma! Aria and I are going down to Bucks' for a while!"
I sit back on my butt, wrapping my arms around my knees. I cock my head to the side and stare at the tree, trying to decide if I really want to go, even though I know I don't really have a choice. Once Hannah has made her mind up, there's no changing it. I stand and slide my feet into my white Keds and grab my coat from the rack by the door. I'm buttoning up and wrapping my scarf around my neck when Hannah and momma come down the stairs.
"I want you two to be careful out there. Don't be too late."
Hannah leans in to hug our aging mother first, and then I do the same, planting a kiss on her cheek, "We'll be fine momma. Ten o'clock, we promise."
Momma glances over at Hannah, who nods her head and gives her a convincing smile, "Love you two." She says finally, still basking in the delight of having us both home for the holidays.
We head out into the night, linking arms as we make our way through the small, quiant little town. We talk aimlessly and giggle the whole way, Hannah stopping a few times to make small talk with a few random neighbors. About twenty minutes later, Hannah and I burst through the doors of Bucks' bar. Its rather packed, surprising me a little as we shrug out of coats and tuck them over our arms as we weave through the bodies. We find two spots at the bar and Hannah instantly orders two shots of Crown. I tuck a peiece of hair behind my ear, becoming a little self concious all of a sudden.
"What's wrong?" Hannah pipes up, noticing my discomfort.
I shake my head. This is the first time I've been out of the house since I've been here. This is a small town. People know me and what I've done. Our disasterous wedding day was the talk of the town for months and months afterwards. What if they recognize me? What if somebody notices me here? Shit. I should have stayed home, "I just... what if somebody see's me?" I whisper, leaning into her as the loud music plays in the background.
"What do you mean Aria?"
I sigh, placing both hands around the small shot glass, focusing my eyes on the brown liquid, "You know what I mean Hannah. What if somebody see's me? I don't want to deal with any questions or glaring."
She turns toward me, placing her hand on my shoulder, "Honey, it's been fifteen years. People don't care about that anymore. God, you've got to quit punishing yourself. You made your decision, it's over. You're happy, he's happy, all is well."
I look over at her as her words fall from her mouth. You're happy, he's happy... I'm not happy. I haven't been happy since I fled that beautiful Sunday afternoon. I'm in my own self made hell. I grab the glass and put it to my lips, tilting my head and letting the liquid rush down my throat. I slam the glass down and call to the bartender for another, Hannah smirking at me the whole while, "Well then. Let's get the party started."
Three mixed drinks and two more shots later, Hannah and I are feeling pretty good. She's fawning over some pretty, young white girl and I've struck up a conversation with one of my old classmates, who doesn't even mention Justin's name to me. I've gotten a few wayward looks here and there, people taking a second glance at me and then leaning in to there friend to whisper something. I just turn away and try to get lost in whatever Hannah was babbling about. Nobody came directly to me though, nobody pointed or made a scene like I expected. It was almost as if as soon as they saw me, they made their little comment or two and then went on about their business, drowning their sorrows in their alcohol. Maybe I've been afraid for nothing. Maybe Hannah is right, nobody cares about that day anymore.
When my old friend excuses himself, I turn to Hannah and mumble about heading to the bathroom, before sliding off of the barstool and stumbling toward the back. I giggle to myself as I steady myself with the wall, sliding my hand along it until I find the single stall ladies room. I handle my business, which takes a little longer than usual, given my unsteadiness. I manage to get my pants back up without falling over, wash my hands and pull the door open, flipping off the light. As soon as I step out of the small bathroom, there he is, standing at the opposite bathroom door, stopped dead in his tracks. My eyes shoot to his peircing blue ones, my mouth falls open, my heart drops to my feet.
Justin.
He stares back at me, just as shocked as I am. Our eyes never leave each others, we don't move, we just... stare. He looks amazing. His once baby face is covered with a thin beard, his curls replaced with straightened hair, parted and slicked to the side. His tall, hardened body is covered in a plad button down shirt and dark blue blazer and jeans. He still towers over me, his frame six foot one to my five foot six. He blinks after what seems like an eternity, pursing his lips as anger begins to wash over him. He drops his eyes from me and then swiftly turns and walks away.
I follow him with my eyes as he makes a B-line for the front door and I lose him in the crowd shortly after. I'm not sure if it's the booze or my guilt but my body begins to move through the crowd as well without warning, not even stopping to grab my coat or tell my drunk sister where I'm going. An hour ago, I would have seen him, grabbed my shit and hauled ass home. I shouldn't have drank so much. Hannah catches a fleeting glimpse of me and calls out, but I don't stop. I bust throuh the door and throw my head left and then right and spot my old love, hands shoved in his pockets as he makes his way down the street. Just like on that day, I start to run but this time towards him instead of away.
"Justin!" I call as I make my way toward him, my head screaming to turn around but my heart pulling me towards him.
He doesn't acknowledge me, he doesn't miss a step, he just keeps walking, "Justin, please." I say once I reach him, stopping myself with his body.
He whirls around, batting my hands away from him, "Don't touch me Aria." He says lowly, his once bright blue eyes, dark with hate.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, dropping my head to my feet, "I just-"
"What are you doing here?" He spits at me, his brow furled.
I can't speak. I open my mouth but the words refuse to leave. He's so angry, it's almost scary. I shrink into myself, wishing that I had just let him go, "I- I came home, for, um, Christmas and..."
"No," He says curtly, "Why are you here? At the bar? Are you following me or something?"
My mouth hangs open, "No. Hannah wanted to have a drink, I didn't even know you were going to be here."
"Then why are you following me now?"
"I'm not, I just... I thought maybe, we could talk or... I don't know, I saw you and I just... I don't know." I say, completely defeated.
He stares at me for a second, and I don't even recognize the loving young boy I left. He's been replaced by this angry, guarded man, "You know what? Just go back to the bar." I lower my head and am about to turn away when he scoffs, " I mean, what the hell makes you think I want to talk to you?! Dammit, I knew I should have stayed home!" He says, more to himself, than to me.
He turns to leave and my head screams again to just let him go, that I've caused enough damage. But something in me calls out to him, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving."
He stops when he hears me. He takes a deep breath but turns to face me again, "You're sorry? That's all you have to say to me after all this time? After what you've done? You're sorry?!" He screams, stomping towards me, causing me to back up a few steps, "Fuck you Aria!"
"Hey! Leave her alone Justin!" I whip my head around to see Hannah running towards us.
Justin scoffs, smirking a little, "It's okay Hannah, it's okay." I say, holding up my hands as she approaches, "Go back inside, it's okay. I'm okay."
She glances from me to Justin, then back to me, "Are you sure? You don't have to do this. You don't have to talk to him."
"She doesn't have to talk to me? Are you fucking kidding me, Hannah?" He screams, jabbing his finger into his chest, "Like I'm the one that did something wrong?!"
"There is no point in bringing up shit from the past! You're just going to upset yourselves and cause even more of a scene if you do!"
The two begin to argue loudly, drawing more people to poke their heads out of the bar. I grab Hannah's hand and pull her back a step, turning her towards me, "Hannah, stop."
"Aria-"
"Hannah, please!"
She stares back at me, her eyes searching mine desperately, "You're sure?"
I nod, tucking some hair behind my ear and watch as she retreats, turning back a few times to eye us. When I turn around, he is still standing there, his eyes trained on me, "You fucking killed me that day, you know that? Not to mention that you embarrassed the shit out of me and my entire family." Justin states after a few moments of silence between us.
"I know." I whisper, swallowing harshly, "I'm sor-"
He holds up a hand, "I don't want to hear sorry." He looks away from me and across the street, tucking his hand back in his jeans pocket, "Why?" He asks quietly, landing those big blues back on my dark ones, "What did I do wrong?"
"It wasn't anything you did," I state, stepping closer to him, "It was me, all me."
"I thought you loved me."
"I did love you! Please don't think I didn't," I plead, "I was so young and confused. I thought I wanted, needed something more than this. More than Tennessee, more than what my mother had become. I freaked out. There I was, at twenty years old, staring at myself in this white dress, with all of our friends and family waiting for me," I stop, taking a breath and shifting my gaze from him to my freezing hands, "I saw my mother staring back at me in that mirror and I just... I just ran. I just ran."
Justin stands, watching me as I reveal my mental state that day, listening intently, "You know, I thought you would come back. I waited and waited and waited by that fucking front door, just knowing that you'd walk back in at any moment. But days turned into weeks," He sniffles, rubbing his face with his hands, "Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and not a word, not a fucking word from you." He stares at me, his blue orbs bouncing back and forth between mine, "And you know whats worse? I mean, I hated you, I really did. But there was still a little piece of me that just wanted to know if you were okay. There was still a little piece of my heart that beat for you." He pauses, breaking his eye contact from me to glance down at his feet, "That's what I hate the most. That after all of this time, after everything you've done, all the hurt and pain and tears and anger I've had; I feel better now that I've seen you. I feel better knowing that you are okay. I fucking... God, I hate this!" I look down at my hands, trying to will the tears away. He shrugs when I don't speak, running his hand through his hair roughly, "What more did you want, Aria? I would have given you the world. I would have worked three jobs if I had to to give you whatever you wanted. You never gave me a chance to try and make you happy."
I look back up at him, searching his eyes that no longer seem angry, but hurt, "I wanted a lot of things. I wanted to go to school, I wanted to travel, I wanted to drive a BMW and wear thousand dollar shoes and carry a name brand purse," I let out a breath and watch the white puff disapate in the air, "I know you would have worked your fingers to the bone to give me what I wanted but at that moment, I thought I had bigger things to do with my life than to marry you."
"That is so unfair." He says, wiping at his face, "You don't think I had dreams? You don't think I wanted to do things with my life too?"
"We had talked about it already," I exclaim, "You didn't want to leave Memphis and I didn't want to spend my life in this little ass town. I'm not saying it was fair, I'm not saying it was right, I just..." I trail off, "I know you had dreams Jay." I relent.
"Yeah, and all I wanted to do was play them out with you. How could you be so fucking selfish, Aria? After everthing I did for you?! I've loved you my entire life and that's how you repay me? Walking out on me and then leaving me to wonder for fifteen fucking years?!" His eyes cloud with tears as he screams.
"I've barely been able to live with myself, Justin! Don't you think it's effected me? I-"
He scoffs, throwing his head back on his neck, "Effected you? I don't give a flying fuck about how it's effected you, Aria! Not everything revoles around you!"
"I can't come home!" I shout, looking him dead in the eyes, "You've moved on and I've been stuck. I've been stuck on June 18th, 2000 for fifteen years. No matter where I go, what I do, how hard or fast I run; every morning that I wake up, it's June 18th."
He smiles out of malice, laughing at me, "You don't know anything about me. You don't know that I've moved on, you don't know what I've dealt with all this time. So don't feed me this bullshit about being stuck and not being able to come home and blah blah blah. You did it to yourself. Don't put that shit on me." He says lowly, his words stinging like acid. He looks away, brushing underneath his eyes with his fingers, "You know what? Just fucking forget that I exsist okay? Just go about living your perfect little fucking life."
He turns on his heel and starts off down the street again. My own hot tears begin to stream down my cold face, "I miss you every day." I say suddenly, causing him to stop, "I've regretted my choice every single moment, of every day, of every year since I last saw you," My voice breaks as I stare at his back, "The little box that held my wedding ring still sits on my desk, where I can see it and be reminded of everything I threw away that day." He turns slowly, biting the inside of his cheek as he draws those big eyes on me again, almost encouraging me to keep talking, "I have everything that I thought I wanted. I have the job, the car, the clothes, the shoes, the accessories, the apartment, the boyfriend... and I hate it. I fucking hate every last detail of it." I laugh sadly, "I'm so lonely, Jay. I live in an apartment with a man I can't stand. He doesn't love me, he's never even pretended to. I drive a car that costs more than what people make in a year and a closet full of clothes that I've probably only worn once. But yet, I yearn this... this simple, slow, country life. The very thing I ran from in the beginning. I yearn for you," I close my eyes, almost forgetting that he's there, "When I'm with Tom I still think about you. His touch is your touch, his kiss is your sweet, soft, slow kiss, his body is yours. You haunt me, Justin. There's not a day that goes by that I don't hear your voice in my head, feel your hands on my body, smell your cologne as I get dressed in the morning. I can't even escape you in my dreams, because you always manage to pop up there too. But that's okay, because I deserve it, I deserve it all for hurting you."
I open my eyes slowly and he's right in front of me. His body mere inches from mine. Tears stain his rosey cheeks, his nose and eyes as red as my lipstick from the cold temperatures. He breathes easy and steadily, his mouth slightly open as I continue to speak, "I'm not saying this to ease my mind or to give myself closure. I'm willing to spend the rest of my days chained in this self made prison I've built. I'm saying it for you, so you can live your life without having to wonder what you did or didn't do. You did everything you were supposed to, sweet boy," I whisper, tears still shedding from my eyes as I cup his cheek in my hand, "You loved me to the moon and back. I'm thankful for that because I know now that there is no man that will ever make me feel the way that you did. It was all me. I was blinded by my own selfish ambition. I just want you to know, I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you always."
I place my hands on his broad chest and stand to my tiptoes, like I had thousands of times in the past, like I still do in my dreams, and lay my lips on his, closing my eyes as the familiarity washes over me. My bold move takes Justin by suprise, I feel him tense beneath me but after a moment he relaxes and allows the sweet kiss. I don't want to pull away, it feels so good having him this close again. But I do, unlocking our lips with a soft smack and placing my heels back down on earth. I remove my hands from him slowly and take a step back, and then another, and then another. I turn finally, wrapping my arms around my torso and drop my head, starting my walk home. I can feel his eyes on me as I pass by the door to Bucks' where Hannah stands in the threshold, peering through the glass as I pass by. She steps out, turning her head to Justin first, who still stands as if in shock, and then instantly takes off toward me. She doesn't say anything to me, she just wraps my coat around my shoulders and throws her arm around me, pulling me into her body as I begin to sob.
"Its okay sissy. I've got you." She whispers, holding me tight and winding us through Shelby Forest.
Once back in my mothers home, she leads me upstairs, past momma, who sits in the living room, "Aria? Hannah, what's wrong? What happened?" She questions, standing in concern.
"It's okay momma, just let me get her upstairs." Hannah answers, shooting momma a glance that seems to let her know what was happening.
She leads me to my room, helping me out of my coat and shoes before I fall onto the bed, curling into a ball as the pain and hurt continues to flow out of me. She rubs my arm for a moment then lays down beside me, tucking her head into the crook of my neck and wrapping me up in her arms. Momma is soon by my bedside as well, grabbing my hand with one of hers, and smoothing my hair down with the other as she coos softly to try and console me. My body is cold and weery, my head and heart throb and ache as I lay crying with my family surrounding me but my soul... my soul feels as if its lifting, slowly. The guilt begins to chip and fall away as I've finally gotten to release the silent words I've been holding in for so long. I'll live in this prison forever, this I know, but I've built myself a tiny window to peer out of from time to time.
***
December 25th.
"Oh my god! Aria! No way!" Hannah shrieks as she pulls out a brand new pink Michael Kors purse with matching wallet out of the large box I so carefully wrapped. She throws her arms around my neck and I laugh, hugging her back, "Thank you so much!"
"You're welcome babe."
The three of us sit huddled around the tree as we exchange our gifts. Momma framed a picture of Hannah and I as children and gave us each one, telling us to always take care of each other. That we're all that each other will have once she's gone. My head still throbs from last night but that ease with myself is still present. It was hard, it'll be hard but I feel as if it'll be easier to live with myself from now on. I rub my forehead, squinting my eyes as I exhale slowly, my mother taking note, "You need some Advil baby?"
I nod, forcing a smile, "Please momma."
She leans over a plants a kiss on my temple, before standing and heading towards the kitchen. A knock sounds as soon as she passes and she stops, turning toward the door to open it. I peer over at my mother, I can't make out the expression on her face. She's smilling some, as if she knows the person but she's sort of... shocked? I don't know, I can't tell. She turns toward me, leaving the door slightly agape as she motions toward me. I stand, glancing back at Hannah before treading over towards her, "It's for you honey."
I let out a small, nervous laugh, "For me? Nobody knows I'm here."
She steps back, allowing me full access to the door and the tall man standing just beyond it. When our eyes lock, my heart stops. Justin stands before me, wrapped in a charcoal gray coat and jeans, hands jammed in his pockets once again, "Hey." Is all I can muster, stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind me.
He nods his head toward me, smiling awkwardly as he drops his eyes to the ground, "Are you busy?" I shake my head no, grabbing my bottom lip with my teeth, "I uh..." He trails off, clearing his throat, "I'm not exactly sure why I'm here. I couldn't sleep last night after our uh... conversation." He finally looks up at me, those crystal cerulean eyes baring into mine, "I just want to thank you for being so brave and talking to me last night. I know it must have been hard to say all of those things to me."
"I wasn't doing it for me." I say quietly, wrapping my hands around my body.
"I know," he nods slowly, "I um," He runs his hand through his hair, holding on to the ends out of frustration, "I want to apologize."
I shake my head, "Don't do that," I whisper, "Don't apologize to me."
"I have to," He says, closing his eyes for a few moments before glancing to the side, "I said some terrible things. Some really mean things."
"Justin," I whimper, tears pooling up in my eyes.
He holds up his hand, "Just let me talk okay? I didn't sleep at all last night. I was so fucking pissed and confused and... sad," He shrugs, not fully understanding how exactly he should feel, "At first I was angry that you even had the balls to follow me. Almost like you didn't have the right to speak to me. But then your words started to set in and I... I felt so bad," He trails off, his eyes focusing on the wicker chair that sits motionless by the door, "I was scared too. When I woke up that day, I felt like the world was closing in on me. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.. I actually threw up. The thought even ran through my mind that I was making a mistake." He trails off again, taking a breath, "I ran too. I got up, got in my car and just drove. I don't even know where I was going, I was just... driving. It took Trace over an hour to get me to come back. But eventually, I got dressed, and I went to that church and I waited for you because I knew that you were my future." He shifts his cold, blue eyes to mine, "I've thought about what I would say to you when I finally got to see you again, what I'd do and what I'd say and what you'd say. I thought I would feel vindicated in some way by cussing you out and making you feel lower than dirt but, I felt the exact same way that day. How can I blame you for what you did, when I almost did the exact same thing?" He blinks a few times, as if he's coming back into reality and sniffles a little, "I've never told anybody about that." He laughs a little.
I blink a few times, pushing the water that's bubbled up in them beyond the threshold. I rub my cheek my sleeve as the hot tears fall, "I didn't want to guilt you into anything." I exclaim breathlessly.
"You didn't," He answers back, stepping towards me, "I'm not doing it just for you, I'm doing it for me too. I think we've both held on to this for too long and too hard. I have to let it go, so we both can live."
I gasp as he suddenly pulls me into him and wraps his long arms around me, hugging me tightly, "I forgive you," He whispers into my ear, "I forgive you for me and I forgive you for you."
When I hear those three little words I completely lose myself to all the sorrow I've been lugging around. My face breaks and I openly sob into him as I wrap my own arms around his neck and hold on for dear life. God, this man. We stay linked for God knows how long, him swaying slowly back and forth. We've both finally reached the surface of this well we call us. Finally.
We pull apart and my body instantly chills as he warmth fades away. He wipes away his own tears, laughing a little, "God, I hope I didn't ruin your morning."
I shake my head, "No, we were just about done anyway."
He nods slowly, removing his eyes from mine again but still smiling, "I uh, I better get back. I didn't tell mom I was leaving so..."
I nod again rapidly, wiping my face, "Okay. Thank you."
He turns and steps off of the porch, turning back to me, "You were truthful with me last night. I owe you the same thing in return."
I smile sadly, "You don't owe me anything."
"You need stop hating yourself. Please. I'm still here Aria, I made it. And now because of you, I can move on without dragging that part of us with me. You need to do the same. You're too beautiful and too successful to be so damn unhappy with what you've accomplished." I smile sadly as he steps down off the porch. He takes a few steps then turns back slightly, looking at me over his shoulder, "That guy you're with is an asshole for not appreciating you. You're selling yourself entirely too short, kid."
He offers a small smile and turns again, taking off towards home. I watch him as he disappears then turn and head back inside, where Hannah sits, teary eyes on the steps and momma stands off to the side, "What are you crying for?" I ask, laughing a little.
Hannah shrugs, running her manicured fingers underneath her leaky eyes, "I don't fucking know. I'm gonna call Kimberly."
She takes off up the stairs and momma rolls her eyes. She steps towards me and pulls me into another hug, "You okay?"
"Not yet, but I'll get there I think."
She smiles softly, pulling me into the kitchen with her, "You will baby. This is just the first of many good days."
I sigh, "I hope so."
God I hope so.
