March 22, 2014

I can’t even think straight. I put my tights on backwards three times before I could even put them on the right way. I was up all night tossing and turning and honestly, I haven’t felt this way since I had to tell my parents I was pregnant. 

It’s already five o’clock. The roast is in the oven. Justin will be here in an hour and my son hasn’t left his room all day. My hair won't straighten and I really, seriously, can’t breathe correctly. I’m supposed to be the strong one here. I have the advantage of knowing both of them, I’m the connecting link. Chris is holding it all in and I can’t even make him feel better because I’ll probably break down as soon as I see him. 

I wish I could call the whole thing off. Maybe Chris isn’t ready to meet his father, maybe Justin changed his mind. I’ve waited so long for this day to come and now that it’s actually here I’m beginning to think it’s all a huge mistake. The fact that these thoughts have even crossed my mind make so angry. It’s been long enough, my poor son deserves to know his father. 

I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom and took a deep breath, looking at myself in the reflection. This is good. I’ve been waiting for this day for thirteen years. It’s going to be fine. Chris will love Justin. Justin will love Chris. Of course they’ll love each other.

My phone beeped from a text message, and I jumped in the air, brushing mascara across my face. 

The text was from Justin: How’s it going?

I answered simply: Mascara face

I placed the phone back down on the sink and took a Q-Tip out to wipe the mascara away. My phone beeped again, causing me to poke myself in the eye said Q-Tip. Just another day in the life of Mackenzie Cole. It’s a wonder I’ve survived this long.

Is that a condition similar to guacamole eye? You need anything?

I chuckled as I answered: We’re good

I tossed my phone on the bed and finished my makeup. The more I think about everything the more I want to run away. It’d be great if we could just skip the awkward meeting and get to the whole Chris knowing his father thing. 

As soon as I finished my makeup I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I quickly picked up my phone and called Kelly. 

“Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?” She’s always so calm and so chill, it’s kind of annoying.

“I’m freaking out but that’s not even the point. Like obviously I’m freaking out.”

“Calm down, talk to me.”

“I just had this thought that I should have told Chris more. I mean, he’s going to walk in the room and there’s Justin Timberlake. Do you think I should have warned him about that? I mean, do you think I should? I still could. He’s not here yet. Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want Chris to feel ambushed with all this. But I don’t want to be stupid and act like he even knows who he is.” I paused to take a deep breath, “Kelly?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Breathe Mac, Jesus. No, I don’t think you should tell him.”

“OK, but why? I trust you and everything I just don’t know what to do and I keep going back and forth and—“

“I think that you might make it a bigger deal than it is if you tell him,” she answered calmly, “Chris is young, he doesn’t know much about Justin, does he? I mean I’ve never heard him say anything about him. He doesn’t listen to his music, does he?”

“No, well I don’t know. He has iTunes, I don’t know what he listens to on there. No,” I took a deep breath, “Obviously he doesn’t listen to him, he likes Fall Out Boy and Imagine Dragons and that band with the guy from that show.”

“So he probably won’t know much. It’s going to be fine. Please Mac, try to calm down.”

“I think you should come over and you can, like, be our family therapist.”

She laughed, “That’s a great idea. I would love to do that. Why don’t you get through tonight and then we’ll talk about it the next time? You’re ready for this.”

I let out a deep breath, “Yeah, I’m ready for this.”

“Just let them talk. Understand how difficult this is for Chris, so he’ll probably be very quiet and just take it all in. That’s ok. He’s not going to run into Justin’s arm and be his best friend. So you just need to let him know that you’re on his side and you only have to get through tonight then you’ll talk about if he even wants to see Justin again.”

I nodded my head, the benefits of having a best friend that’s a therapist are immeasurable. We’ve gone through this countless times but she’s always there to give me a last minute pep talk when I need it. 

“You’re going to be fine, Mac.”

“Thanks Kelly.”

“Call me if you need me. Let me know how it goes. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“OK, bye. Thank you, life saver! I love you!”

I took a deep breath and put my phone in the back pocket of my jean skirt. The music was blasting in Chris’s room so I got no reaction when I tapped on the door. It’s also worth noting that the music playing is definitely not Justin’s. I opened the door to find Chris laying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling as he tossed a hackie sack in the air. I turned the music off and he turned his head to me, then back at the ceiling and continued playing catch with himself. 

“Hey.”

He turned back to me and chuckled, “Hey Ma.”

“How are you doing?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine.”

I pushed him over so I could lay down net to him, “Are you sure? Because I can cancel, and we can run away if you want.”

He turned his head to look at me and gave me a sweet smile, “Where we going?”

“Disneyland probably,”

“Yeah, probably,” he chuckled, “You’re so predictable.”

“Thanks, my sweet son.”

Chris went back to tossing the hackie sack in the air but I managed to catch it before he could. “So…” I began nervously, “This is probably going to be weird, huh? That’s normal. I mean, it’s ok to feel a little nervous about everything.”

“I’m not nervous.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “excited?”

“I’m definitely not excited.”

I coughed back a chuckle, “Chris, you just need to remember that things were very complicated. We were young and Justin really didn’t want things to end up the way they did. He really wanted to spend time with you, he wanted to be there for you, but it wasn’t possible. He’s really cool. I know you’re going to love him but it might take some time. It’s completely normal for you to feel a little upset with him at first. You’re going to be able to talk to him, and ask him anything you want, to ask me anything you want, too. I just want you to give him a chance. He is your father.”

I paused for a response but didn’t get one, so I continued, “I just want you to get to know him. I think that’s really important.”

He looked over at me and chuckled, “That just turned into an after school special. It’s fine Ma, I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will.”

“And so will you,” he assured me. 

I nodded my head, feeling myself getting choked up. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get through this night. I’m realizing I’m much more nervous than Chris is. “So, do you have any questions before he comes?”

Chris shrugged, then spoke up softly, “What should I call him?”

I smiled at the simplicity of his question, something I can definitely handle, “You can call him whatever you want. Well, not whatever you want,” I laughed, seeing that mischievous look in his eye, “Justin or J. Some people call him JT, I never liked that too much. Maybe someday you’ll want to call him Dad but you definitely don’t have to do that tonight.”

Chris nodded his head.

“So, do you want to come downstairs now or should I call you when he gets here?”

“You can call me when dinner is ready.”

I grabbed his head in my hands and kissed his forehead, “Alright, you little brat. I love you.” Chris pushed me away, so I did what any mother would do, grab his head and kiss his forehead again, “Christopher. I said, I love you.”

“Alright. I love you. Stop.”

I laughed and kissed him one more time before heading to the door, “Maybe you could shower? Your hair is so greasy.” I turned to check his bathroom to make sure he has shampoo and soap, “Can you please shower? And wash your hair? Maybe put on a clean shirt?” I went to his closet and pulled out a plaid button down, “I like this one.”

“What? I have to dress up now? Come on Ma, I—“ he whined. 

“It’s a shirt. With buttons. I’m not asking you to wear a tux. Look, I’ll even unbutton the first few buttons for you so you can pull it over your head. It’s like a t-shirt now!”

Chris slowly stood up and grabbed the shirt from my hand and tossed it on his bed, “You’re lucky I’m like, the best kid ever.”

“Sure am,” I rolled my eyes as his bathroom door slammed shut.

An hour later I heard a soft knock on the front door and my heart immediately started beating in my throat. I took a few deep breaths as I walked to the door, there’s no going back now. I could see Justin through the window, his eyes on his shuffling feet and biting at his lower lip nervously. 

I opened the door slowly and he looked up at me with a smile, “Hey.”

“Hey, are you alright?”

He chuckled and ran his hands through his short brown hair. “Yeah, you ready for this?”

I nodded my head and moved to the side so he could come in, “I think so. Are you?”

“Well, I’m going to have to be,” he chuckled before pulling me into for a tight hug. 

It felt so nice to be in his arms that I almost forgot why I was nervous in the first place. I held on to his blue checkered button down shirt and giggled to myself when I realized how similar it was to the one I told Chris to wear. 

“It’s good to see you,” he said as he pulled away, “the house looks great. Is everything working ok? You’ve moved some things around since I’ve been here last.”

“Yeah, I moved the TV to the wall so I changed around the layout. I mean, and I moved some stuff around too and I—“

Justin seemed to enjoy watching me ramble nervously, he smiled instead of breaking in to save me. “Yeah? You what, Mac?”

“Oh shut up,” I laughed as I walked into the living room, “I’m so nervous.”

“I’m feeling a little better now that I’m here, actually. It’ll be ok. Is he doing ok?”

“Oh yeah, he’s upstairs. I’ll call him in a minute.”

Justin nodded his head and looked around the house, “Oh, right. I brought you some wine and some cookies.”

“Thank you, let’s break into that.” I grabbed the bottle and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a corkscrew.  

Justin followed me, looking around the house and taking it all in. “How’s the pool? Use it a lot?” he asked as he stood by the sliding glass door to the backyard, placing his hands in his pockets. 

“Yeah, it’s good.”

He chuckled and grabbed the glass of wine I handed to him, “I knew you needed a pool.”

I smiled as I remembered back when we were looking for a house. Justin wanted me to get a huge mansion. I didn’t see the point then and I definitely still feel like I made the right choice on that one. He did insist I get a house with a pool and a basketball hoop. 

“I’ll call him. Should I call him?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

I nodded my head and walked to the stairs, “Chris, hunny, come on downstairs.”

I walked back into the living room nervously, “Are you alright?” Justin asked

I nodded my head, “I’m just really worried about how this is going to go down.”

“Don’t be, it’ll be fine. I can always leave if he hates me,” he smiled. 

I nodded my head again, taking his joke too seriously. My heart was beating in my throat and I was quickly getting to the point I would pass out. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous. I leaned against the arm rest of the couch, watching the stairway carefully. 

Justin stood nervously by the piano, both of us waiting in silence for Chris to come downstairs. “I’m going to go get him,” I whispered before slowly making my way upstairs. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before knocking as I opened his bedroom door, “Are you coming, sweetie?”

Chris stood up and stretched his arms over his head, similar to the way he would if he were getting ready to enter a battle, “Let’s go.”

“It’s ok, it’s really not that…”

“Ma, really, relax.”

As if that’s possible. 

“You look nice, thanks for showering,”He didn’t answer, just gave me a look. “Just remember to be polite, ok?”

I slowly made my way downstairs, Chris following closely behind me. He would never admit he was nervous, something he had in common with his father, but you could practically see how anxious the three of us were at that moment. Justin was still standing in the same spot, by the piano, and I stopped by the couch, grabbing on to Chris’s arm as he stood next to me. 

“So, Chris this is Justin you’re—”

“Are you fucking serious?” Chris broke in with a laugh as he first looked at Justin. His father. Justin Timberlake.

“Christopher, don’t talk like that,” I slapped his arm. 

“Hey man I’m,” Justin stepped towards us, “well I guess I’m fucking serious.”

“Really Justin?” I asked out of disbelief. It seems as if we’re all forgetting my son is thirteen fucking years old.

“I’m sorry,” Justin chuckled, “I had to. It’s so good to see you, Chris. God, you’re so tall and big and,  well you’re a man.” 

Chris moved into the kitchen as Justin tried to give him a hug, “Are we eating, or what?”

“Yeah sure, it’s ready.” I answered before looking back at Justin. He gave me a weak smile and placed his hand on the small of my back as we walked into the kitchen.  I guess it’s safe to say Chris knows who Justin Timberlake is. 

The boys sat across from each other in silence as I placed dinner on the table. I never thought these two, who have so much in common, would be so awkward around each other. Part of me really thought they’d just hit it off right away and everything would be easy. I have no idea why I was so naive. 

I sat down,  looking between the two of them, Justin looking at Chris, Chris looking at the food on his plate. For some reason, seeing Justin sitting there nervously made me calmer. I guess I felt like I had to step up and make this easier for everyone. 

I took a deep breath and smiled, “Chris is the captain of his school basketball team.  Chris, your father… Justin,” I corrected myself, “Justin used to be pretty good at basketball himself.”

“Yeah, used to, thanks for that Mac,” Justin chuckled, “That’s awesome Chris, what position do you play?”

“I don’t really like basketball,” Chris answered, keeping his gaze in his plate.

“OK well, we know that’s not true.” I answered. 

“Are you a Laker’s fan? We could go to a game sometime,” Justin tried. 

“Nope, Clippers.”

I laughed at his answer, “Since when?”

“Since always.”

“OK,” I answered softly before taking a sip of my water, “Chris is also the captain of his baseball team. He’s a pitcher, he’s very athletic.”

“That’s awesome, I’ve always been big on sports. I wanted to be a professional ball player when I was your age.”

Chris sighed loudly and continued eating his dinner. 

“Your mother said you got a guitar for Christmas. How’s that going?” Justin asked and didn’t get an answer, “Maybe I’ll bring mine over and we can jam some time. You can come by my place too, I’ve got a bunch of stuff we can play around with. We’ll get your mom on the keys and we can start a band, like the Partridge Family,” he said jokingly 

“We’re not a family,” Chris answered quickly. 

Justin stumbled over his words, “Yeah, I didn’t mean—“

“He just means that he has a lot of instruments and everything at his house,” I jumped in to save Justin, “so maybe we all can go over some time and play around with it all.”

“I’m not really into his type of music.”

Justin coughed back a laugh, “Fair enough.”

“Are you familiar with his music?” I asked, getting defensive. I’m stuck in this weird position where I feel the need to protect both of them. It’s sucks. 

“Yeah sure, everyone knows Suit and Tie.”

“You don’t like that one?” Justin asked with a smile, feeling more confident. He’s used to talking about his music, and can do that without even thinking about what’s really going on. Chris shook his head, “Oh come on man, everyone likes that one.”

“My favorite part is when you stop singing and Jay-Z comes in.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. So often I think Chris is so mature for his age and then a conversation like this one happens and I’m reminded he is still a little boy. 

“You know, when I first met your mother she didn’t like my music either. She was into the real music, ya’know? Well I’m sure you know. Like, Radiohead and Soundgarden. But after she gave me a chance, I was able to convert her. I think I can convert you too, if you give me a chance. Whatdoya say? Challenge accepted?”

“Challenge denied.” Chris answered without a thought. 

“Alright,” Justin nodded his head and turned his gaze back to the chicken in front of him. He’s losing his patience, he’s starting to get worried. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I’m sure he thought he’d be able to win Chris over. He’s always able to turn on the charm, flash those pearly whites, and win people over, but Chris isn’t falling for it.

Chris is happy to give him a hard time. I can’t say I blame him. He’s spent his whole life wondering about his father only to find out it’s this guy who also happens to be Justin Timberlake.

Chris stood up, and I grabbed onto his arm,“Where are you going?”

“I’m done.”

“Sit down. Chris. Come on, sit down,” I took a deep breath, “You need to show some manners, you never leave the table, why are you doing it today?”

“Because today I don’t want to stay at the table.”

“Sit down,” I repeated, to which I received a huff and an eye roll before he sat back down. 

“Chris, I know we kind of threw a lot at you all of a sudden and I know this isn’t easy for any of us, most of all you. I’m really sorry that it all happened this way. I know you must have a lot of questions. I’ll answer anything you want to know,” Justin said sincerely. After waiting a few seconds with no response he continued, “I know this is a completely different situation, but when I was a kid my father left us and I really hated him for that. But it turned out that he had his reasons and he wasn’t as bad as I thought. I know it’s been you and your mother for awhile. I know what that’s like, it was just me and my mom for awhile. I’m not looking to get in the way of that.”

Chris played with the food on his plate before finally looking at Justin, “It’s weird that you say you know what it’s like, but you still left, didn’t you? I would think if you really knew what it was like you would have maybe stuck around.”

“Christopher!” 

“No, no it’s OK,” Justin spoke quickly, “We can jump right into it. Go ahead, ask me anything and I’ll answer it truthfully.”

“Alright, fine. How many other kids don’t know that you’re their father?”

I bit at my lip to stop me from getting involved. Of course, I want to scream at my son to stop acting so rude. Maybe he just needs to get it out and then we can move on. 

“You’re it, man,” Justin answered with a nervous smile.

“How many that you don’t know about?”

“No, I’m positive you’re the only one. I think it’s safe to say you have the wrong idea about me.”

“I doubt it.”

“OK, fair enough,” Justin nodded his head, “It sucks that you feel that way, but I get it. You don’t have any reason to trust me right away. I haven’t earned your trust yet. I will, but not yet.”

“Great,” Chris answered sarcastically and turned to me, “Can I go upstairs now?”

“No,” I answered.

“Chris, I know this isn’t an easy thing. I know things are going to be awkward between us for a little while. I want to work through that and I want to have the best possible relationship with you. It’s ok if you hate me at first…”

“Good, cause I do,” Chris broke in and stood up, “Ma, you said if I didn’t want to talk to him I didn’t have to. You said if i didn’t feel comfortable he would leave. I don’t care if he leaves but I want to go upstairs.”

“OK,” I answered in a whisper, seriously questioning every choice I’ve made about tonight, “Go ahead. I’ll come up soon.”

Justin and I sat in silence until we heard his bedroom door slam shut. This has been a complete disaster. I don’t know what made me think Chris was ready for this. I should know my own son better than that. I want him to have a relationship with his father so bad that I completely overlooked the fact that he’s not ready.

“I’m sorry,” I spoke up quietly, my eyes beginning to water. 

“No, no don’t be sorry. Mac, it’s fine. I mean it’s to be expected, isn’t it? I mean, I get it. He’s not going to jump into my arms.”

I should have prepared him, or warned him somehow. My heart is breaking and I feel like the worst mother in the world. I shouldn’t have put my son in that situation. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and talk to him? I’ll head out. Call me later, ok? Tonight, or tomorrow. Anytime.”

I nodded my head and walked him to the door, “I’m really sorry, Justin. I’ll talk to him and see where he’s at. We’ll try again.”

“Yeah, alright,” he forced a smile but that I could see right through. He pulled me into a tight hug and held on longer than normal, “I hope I didn’t ruin his night.”

“Look, we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing, we never have why would we start now?” I asked with a chuckle as we pulled away, “It’ll get easier. He’ll open up more, it’ll just take a little time.”

“Yeah, he can’t hate me forever,” Justin answered with a smile, “I’ll see you later Mac, good luck.”