August 2000

So this is what a panic attack feels like. It’s so hot, my heart is beating in my throat and I’m having a hard time breathing. An almost impossible time breathing. I sat on the floor of Justin’s living room, leaning my back against the couch. When this panic attack started, I thought I was sitting on the couch. I’m only now realizing I didn’t make it there. 

I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself down, closing my eyes for a few seconds, opening them quickly only to close them again. Justin was pacing back and forth. I swear he’s talking to himself. His lips are moving but there’s no words coming out, or if there are I can’t hear them. 

He stopped in front of me, as if noticing me for the first time. “Are you alright?”

“I need water.”

“Why are you on the floor?”

“I need water.” 

Justin continued pacing, but came back with a bottle of water. He sat on the floor next to me and held it out. When I didn’t take it he unscrewed the top and held it out again, “Are you ok? Is it the baby?”

I took a few deep breaths to get the whole breathing thing down again before I spoke quickly, “It’s not the fucking baby. It’s the fact that we’re having a fucking baby and I’m nineteen years old and we’re about to tell my parents. And they’re going to kill me. They’re going to kill you first and then they’re going to kill me.”

“They’re not going to kill us,” he answered softly as if he were trying to convince himself. 

“I know that you think they like you, and they do like you. But they’re not going to like you anymore. They’re going to hate you and they’re going to hate me and I’m their daughter. They’re only daughter, they’re only fucking child and it’s like I screwed everything up now.”

Justin placed a arm over my shoulder and held me closer. It did feel better, not a lot better but a little. “It’s going to be ok, Mac. We’ve got each other, you’re not alone.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder and he kissed my forehead. We sat in silence for a few minutes and when I looked up he was talking to himself again, this time I was sure there were no words coming out. 

“We need to get our shit together. They’ll be here soon.” 

I leaned against him to get up and took a long sip of water before heading to the piano. I lightly touched the keys as if I were afraid to touch them. I knew playing would be the one thing that could calm me down, but I also knew it would be hard for me to stop. 

“Play. It’ll calm me down, too.”

I pulled the bench out and closed my eyes, letting the music take over.

I’m not sure how long I was playing, but I stopped when I heard the doorbell ring. Justin walked to me and kissed me quickly, “We got this. I love you.”

I nodded my head, feeling the panic attack coming back, “I love you too. Do you think I can just play and you do all the talking?”

He chuckled, “I’ll sing it.”

“Ugh, we should have wrote a song and told them that way,” I whined. 

He smiled and put an arm around my waist as he walked me, or almost dragged me, to the door. “Put on your game face.”

Justin and I both plastered smiles on our faces as we opened the door to see my parents smiling back at us. “Quite the place you’ve got here, Justin,” my father spoke as he handed him a box of fancy chocolates. 

“Thanks Mr. C, it’s good to see you again.”

“It’s beautiful, Justin,” my mother said as she hugged him, “it’s good to have you back. You’ll have to tell us all about your trip.” It’s hard for my mother to understand that he wasn’t exactly on a trip, but a tour. He didn’t exactly do much, except move from bus to venue to hotel and back to bus again. Sometimes he ventured out to a radio station or other function, but it’s not like he’s out being a tourist. 

“Thanks Mrs. C, I’m so glad you could come tonight.”

Justin is good at this faking thing, or maybe it’s called acting. I’m just standing here quietly, holding onto Justin for support. Physical support because I think I might fall over. 

My father looked at me and smiled, then widened his eyes and opened his arms for a hug.
“Hi Dad,” I said softly and fell into his arms. I held on tighter than normal because I felt myself beginning to cry. This may be the last time he hugs me like this, or at all.  What if he never talks to me again?

“I can give you a tour,” Justin spoke up to break the awkwardness. 

“Oh, that’d be wonderful,” my mother grabbed onto my arm and pulled me along, “What’s going on with you?” she asked softly as we followed Justin through the house.

“Nothing,” I rested my head on her shoulder as they began the tour of Justin’s house.

The four of us sat in Justin’s living room after dinner. Justin and I sat closely on one couch, and my parents on the other facing us. 

“Well, that was lovely,” my mother spoke up, completely oblivious as to the real reason they were here. Neither of them had any idea of what we were about to say.

“Thanks, Mrs. Cole. I’m glad you liked it.” Justin said with a smile. 

The two of us were clearly getting nervous. I looked up at Justin who kept rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants, licking his lips, and swallowing nervously. I turned to look at my parents who suddenly seemed to notice something was going on. 

My father, especially, looked between the two of us. “Is everything…?”

“Yeah,” Justin broke in, not letting him finish. 

“Actually, we have something to—,” I don’t know where that came from, but all of a sudden I got brave. It went away as fast as it came and I wished I hadn’t said anything. That silence was working just fine. I can hide this from my parents forever. I’ll just wear baggy clothes and then show up with a baby. They can’t kill me when there’s an actual living, breathing, baby in the mix. “I mean, yeah. Everything is… we just…”

My parents shared a glance, then both turned back to looking between Justin and I. 

“You just, what Mackenzie?” my father spoke up. 

“I’m um,” I began again, still unable to finish. Justin placed his hand on my lap, giving me the comfort I needed. “Pregnant” I finished in a whisper, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m not sure if they heard me. Neither of them said anything, or even moved or showed any sign of breathing. I might have just killed my parents. 

“We have it, under control,” Justin spoke up softly, “I mean, it’s not ideal but it’s…”

He stopped speaking as my mother stood up and walked away. Yes, she just left the house so that’s a good sign. At least she’s alive.

Justin watched her leave and jumped a bit as the door slammed shut. I couldn’t look at either of my parents, and just stared into space. 

“We’re in love,” Justin continued, “It may not be the best timing but…”

“No, it may not be the best timing, Justin. My daughter is nineteen years old.” my father answered calmly.  He took a few deep breaths then turned to me, “Are you sure? Have you been to the doctor?”

I nodded my head.

He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them, took another deep breath before speaking again. “Is that it? I don’t really have anything to say right now so if you kids are all set I think it’d be best if I head out.”

“Daddy, I’m…” I trailed off, not exactly sure of what I was going to say, but having him look at me the way he is now is too much for me to take.

“You’re what, Mackenzie? Pregnant. A teenager, a college freshman who has her whole life ahead of her and now…” he just shook his head.

I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, “I’m sorry.”

“I love her,” Justin spoke up, “I love her so much and I know…”

“I don’t doubt that you love her,” my father broke in, “I don’t doubt that she loves you. That’s not the problem here. It’s really naive of you to think that’s the only thing that matters. The fact is that you’re teenagers. You’re nineteen.”

“I’m twenty,” Justin spoke up. 

“I don’t care. You both have your whole lives ahead of you. Mac, you’re going to be going to college while you’re pregnant and taking finals and what, are you going to drop out of school? Have you even thought that far ahead? And Justin, God. You’ve got people watching your every move, you’re not even allowed to be seen with my daughter in public, never mind admit that you have a girlfriend. How are you planning to handle this? Have you thought of any of this? Before you decided to get pregnant. Before you decided to be foolish and irresponsible  with the most important thing you’ve been learning constantly since you were fourteen.”

“We’ll get married,” Justin spoke up. I stopped crying, in shock of this new development I definitely have not heard before. 

“No, absolutely not.”

“With all due respect, Mr. C, it’s not really up to you”

“With absolutely no respect, because you’re a child, you are not going to marry my daughter.”

“I’m going to marry her,” he spoke under his breath.

“OK, you listen to me, right now, because I do like you, Justin. Or, at least I did like you before you got my daughter pregnant. I like you less now, but I don’t hate you yet. And if you even joke about getting married, you will never see my daughter again. I can, and will, make that happen. You are children. You made a mistake, a very big mistake, but a mistake non the less. You don’t need to make another mistake to fix that first mistake, because it won’t fix anything. It will just be two big mistakes. You are not getting married, you are nineteen.”

“Twenty,” Justin corrected my father.

“I still don’t care, Justin.”

“I love her, she loves me. We’re in love.”

“And once again, I don’t doubt that. So, why don’t you come back to me in about seven years and then we’ll revisit this conversation?”

“Oh hey, hi,” I spoke up for the first time, “You do know I’m here, right? Don’t you think this is something you should discuss with me instead of figuring out how many camels I’m worth with my father? Dad, I am an adult, and I’m about to become even more of an adult. I know, believe me, that this isn’t a good situation, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. If I want to get married, there’s nothing you can you do about it. And Justin, I have a say in this. You don’t marry me because my father said you can or can’t. This is not ancient times, we don’t live in a land of arranged marriages. This is between you and me. I get to decide.”

“She’s right.” Justin nodded his head.

“She is right,” my father spoke up and gave me a half smile, “So are you getting married?”

“Of course not! Justin, I am nineteen, I’m not getting married to you. How would that even work? I can’t even go on the same tour bus with you without the world stopping. Not even to mention it would solve absolutely nothing. I don’t really want to discuss this further with my father in the room, but since you brought it up and think he’s the best person to ask I can continue.”

Justin shook his head. 

The three of us sat in silence for a few moments, “Should I go check on Mom?”

My father shook his head and stood up, “I think it would be best to let her simmer off for awhile. I’ll take her home.” he gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, “I’ll call you tomorrow. We love you, sweetie. Remember that.”