March 2014

The house was eerily quiet as I laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. I’m not used to the quiet, especially not when Chris is home. Justin just left after the dinner disaster and I haven’t been able to get the courage to go upstairs and talk to my son. 

I’m scared to talk to him, that’s the honest truth. It’s probably not normal for a mother to be scared to talk to her son about his father, but we haven’t done anything the normal way now, have we?

I walked into the dining room and sighed as I looked over the table full of wasted food. It took me so long to plan this meal, not to mention how long it took me to actually cook it. This is, of course, a very minor problem considering everything else that happened today, but what a waste! I made a plate for myself and one for Chris,  and waited patiently for them to warm up in the microwave.

I took a deep breath and said a silent prayer before slowly making my way upstairs. I stopped at Chris’ door and listened for some sign of life, but used my elbow to knock softly when I didn't hear anything. I wasn't surprised when I didn’t hear a response so I placed my plate on the floor and knocked louder as I opened the door. 

Chris laid on his side with his back towards me, either ignoring me completely or pretending to be asleep. I stood there for a few seconds, trying to come up with some sort of a game plan. I got nothing.

“Hey, sweetie. I brought you up a plate, you must be hungry.” No answer, he’s not even moving. “Chris. Chriiiisss. Christopher. Christopher William. Chris!” I peaked over to see his eyes were at least open, “I can go on all night, you know I will.”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“OK, but don’t you want to eat dinner?”

“No.”

I nervously licked my lips and watched my son. My heart broke more and more each second of passing silence. I know this is a normal thing that happens, a child being mad at his mother, but it’s never happened to me before. We never fight. I know the reality is that he’s becoming a teenager and I’m sure we’ll be screaming at each other plenty in the future, but I’m not ready for it to start yet.  “I know you’re upset, but I think dinner will make you feel a little better. I think you should eat something. Want me to order a pizza?” I’ll try anything to get him to talk, obviously.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Cheesecake? There’s still some cheesecake left.”

Chris whined, “Ma, can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No. I know you don’t want to talk to me but I want to talk to you. And you’re going to listen, because I’m your mother. This will be easier if you talk back and we have a real conversation but if you’d rather me just talk at you, then that works too.”

I waited for some kind of response, but I guess we’re going for the one-sided option. 

“I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now, I’m sorry if you feel ambushed. Maybe I should have explained a little more about your father before he got here.”

“You should have told me,” Chris answered softly, still looking out the window. 

“I didn’t know that you knew who he is. I didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.”

Chris turned to face me, “EVERYONE knows who he is Mom, everyone. You don’t think you could have told me? My whole life I wanted to know about my father and the whole time he was like, on the radio and on TV and I didn’t even know it.”

“I think this conversation would be so much easier if we were eating.”

He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. I do better with important conversations when food is available to distract me. 

Chris sat up and grabbed the plate from my lap, “OK fine, we’ll talk but only about what I want to talk about. And when I say I don’t want to talk about it anymore, then I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I nodded my head like I’m the child here and took a bite of scalloped potatoes. Chris began eating but stared off into space as he chewed. Maybe he’s gathering his thoughts, maybe this is all part of his plan to get me to leave him alone. Either way, this is better than him ignoring me. 

He shook his head like an etch-a-sketch before finally speaking, “OK, only the truth.”

“Only the truth,” I nodded once in agreement. 

“No lies?”

“Absolutely no lies. I’m ready to talk about it and answer any questions you have.”

“OK, how did you really meet him?”

“I told you that, at a party in college.”

Chris gave me a side eye, as if I was already caught in a lie. He doesn’t have much faith in me at the moment, “He went to college?”

“He went to college parties.”

He let out a sigh, maybe not particularly buying my answer but at least ready to move past it.  I waited a few seconds for the next question, but I could tell Chris had so many he didn’t even know where to begin.

“Why don’t I start? I’ll tell you more about like… everything. Our story. Ok?”

Chris nodded his head and looked down at the plate in his lap. 

I took a deep breath trying to figure out how to begin, “I was a freshman in college and I met your father at a party. At the time he was in NSYNC, do you know them?” Chris shook his head, making me feel so very old, “They were a group like, One Direction or something. They were pretty big but I wasn’t really familiar with them. I knew who he was but didn't know much else. So anyway, at first he wasn’t doing much work so we had a lot of time together. Things got really serious really fast. We spent all of our free time together and we fell in love.”

Chris didn’t have much of a reaction, he continued looking at his plate as if it held the answers. 

I swallowed hard and continued, “Then he started working again and he went on tour and things were very difficult. He was a huge star in the public eye and there were so many crazy rules. You know how Landon’s father has those crazy rules? Like he can’t get a haircut without permission or he can’t go skydiving or bungee jumping? It was like that but times a hundred.  It just became too much.”

“It became too much because you had me?”

“It became too much because there were so many people telling him what to do. I couldn’t handle it.”

“So, he just decided if he sent me cards a couple times he didn’t have to do anything else?”

“Chris, I really hate when you say that. Your father has done a lot.”

“Like what?” He broke in, I seem to have his attention now.

“This house, to begin with. Your school, he’s paying for your school. He paid for Amelia, your nanny which let me go back to school after you were born. He…”

“Yeah Ma, so he paid for stuff. He’s got like billions of dollars, who cares? “

“He did what he could,” I answered in a whisper, “He had a very hard time with all this, and I know you did too, I’m not saying this isn’t extremely difficult for you. I know how horrible it was for you to grow up without a father. I just wish that you would give him a chance because I know him. I know how much he loves you and how hard it was for him to stay away from you.”

“Then why did he? You say he’s this great guy and he wanted to know me but then why didn’t he? He’s a human, we’re in America. He can do what he wants.”

“It’s really complicated.”

“Ugh Mom!” he shouted, “Why do you always say that it’s complicated? No crap! I thought you were telling me the truth.”

“I think that’s something you need to talk about with him.”

Chris took a deep breath and threw his head to his hands, “I can’t believe it’s him. Do Nana and Gramps know?”

I couldn’t help but smile, it’s so hard for him to understand that there was life before he was born. “I told you, Justin was my boyfriend. Of course they knew. Justin came over for dinner a lot. Gramps still sees him sometimes when he’s working.”

“What?” he asked out of shock, I probably should have kept that last fact to myself. “They work together?”

I quickly shook my head, backpedaling as much as I could, “They don’t work together but sometimes one of Gramps’ clients is doing something with Justin and their paths cross.”

“So Justin lives here? In LA?”

I slowly nodded my head. This talk was supposed to make him feel better but I’m saying so many stupid things I know I’m just making it worse. 

“You’re telling me he lives here? In LA? Like we live in LA? And I always thought he lived on the other side of the country or something. And he lives here? Where does he live?”

“He lives um, in the Hills. Near Runyon.”

Chris handed me his plate and fell down on his bed. “I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“Sweetie, I—“

“Good night!”

“OK,” I answered softy and kissed the top of his head, “I love you. I’m sorry this has been a tough night. We’ll try again when you’re ready.”

“I’m not going to be ready. Good night!”

~~~~~~~~~~

I hoped Chris would come down to breakfast the next morning when Kelly came over and we could talk about everything that happened the night before. She’s good at getting him to talk, even when he doesn't want to.  Of course, these things never work out. Instead, Chris rushed by us, ignoring me completely but quickly saying hello to Kelly. He called out that he was going to Landon’s and I didn’t say anything to stop him. Not that I could have, he was practically out the door anyway. 

Thank god Kelly was there to help me deal with it. It’s completely normal she said, he’ll tell you when he’s ready. I didn’t believe it would actually happen. Justin texted me multiple times checking up and I could never give him an honest answer. Chris went back to his normal self after seeing Landon, but didn’t bring up his father, or the dinner debacle once. I was afraid to bring it up and ruin his mood. 

A few days later, as he was eating his dinner he simply stated, “OK, I’m ready.”

“For what?”

“To have him over, I’m ready to talk to him. But I have questions and I want them answered and that’s it. He has to answer and you have to answer and it has to be the truth or I’m never doing it again.”

I nodded my head, “Sounds fair. I’ll give him a call.”

That Friday night Justin was at the door. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a gray t-shirt. He smiled when I opened the door and shrugged,  “Let’s try this again, huh?”

I smiled as he pulled me into a tight hug, “I feel like I’m more nervous this time.”

“Nah, don’t be,” he chuckled, “I mean, at least I know where I stand, right? He already hates me, it can only go up from there.”

I took a deep breath, even with Justin trying to find the humor in the situation I’m still nervous about the questions Chris is going to ask. I don’t know if I’m ready to answer everything, but I guess we’re going to have to be. 

“It’ll be ok,” I tried to assure myself, as Justin followed me into the living room, “He just wants to know the truth. We’ll just tell him the truth. The whole truth. Nothing but the truth.”

“So help me god,” he answered softly as he plopped down on the couch, “I got this.”

“I’ll probably just be in my room while you two talk. Sound good?”

“Yeah,alright,” he chuckled politely before taking a long, deep, breath. 

“Want a beer?”

“Yeah, I probably should have a beer. This is going to be the most difficult interview I’ve ever done, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, probably,” I grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge,  “You ready?”

“Let’s do it.”

“Chris! Justin’s here!” I called up the stairs and sat on the other end of the couch from Justin. I bit at my lip and stared into space as we waited for him to come downstairs. I heard Justin chuckle whipped my head to look at him, “What?”

“Just bringing back memories.”

“Of what?”

“Telling our parents…”

“Oh god, don’t even—“ I stopped when I heard Chris coming down the stairs.

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Justin asked as he stood up to greet Chris who ignored him and sat on the plus chair across from us. 

“Hi. I have questions.”

“OK,” Justin answered. 

“And I want the truth,” Chris replied sternly. 

“Of course.”

Chris nodded his head and unfolded a piece of paper he hand in his hand. My studious son. “I googled you,” he looked up to see Justin’s reaction.

“Uh oh,” Justin answered with a chuckle. 

“You’re getting married?”

Justin bit at his lower lip and glanced over at me before nodding his head. We haven’t discussed this, not even just the two of us. In fact we successfully managed to talk about everything but the fact that he’s getting married. “I am.”

“Are you going to have more kids?”

Justin took a long swig of his beer before he spoke, “I uh, I don’t know.”

“The truth, you said the truth.”

“Honestly Chris, I haven’t given it much thought,” he looked over at me hoping I’d say something to save him but I’d kind of like to know the answer to that one myself, “Someday, maybe.  I guess.”

“How did you meet my mom?”

“Chris, we’ve been through this,” I broke in.

“I want to hear his side,” Chris answered simply. 

“Uh, well we met at a party,” Justin answered with a smile, happy to be moving past the whole him getting married thing, “She was hanging out by the food table and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I finally gained the courage to go up to her and she was crying so I asked her if she was ok and she told me she got guacamole in her eye,” he chuckled as he looked over at me. I never heard this part of the story, the part that he was watching me and gained the courage to come talk to me. I thought he just saw me crying and came over to help. “So I took her to the bathroom, she couldn’t see well, so I kind of led her there so she could wash out her eye. And uh, I don’t know, the rest is history. We hit it off right away.”

Chris looked at me, then back at his paper, “Did you love her?”

“Yeah, of course. Very much.”

“So did you ever think of getting married to her and being a father instead of ignoring us completely?”

“Of course,” Justin answered softly, “I thought about that every day since your mother told me she was pregnant.”

“But?”

Justin swallowed hard and scratched his head, “We were young. Things were uh, it was out of our control.”

Chris was silent for a few seconds, I looked between him and Justin. It’s hard to tell if Chris is believing everything, but Justin sure seems to be questioning every decision he’s ever made, especially that he told Chris he’d answer anything. 

Justin turned to me, then took a sip of his beer. 

“Why did you go to rehab?”

Justin choked on his beer and turned to me as he tried to catch his breath, “What? I never…”

“You said you’d tell me the truth.”

“I am, I never went to rehab. Where did you hear that?”

Chris let out a sigh, “I told you, I googled you.”

“Alright, well look,  you can’t believe everything about me on the internet. You know that, right?” he ran his hands through his hair, “There’s a lot of rumors about me, it kinda comes with the turf. Most of what’s on there isn’t true. I definitely have never been to rehab. I’ve never done drugs, I hardly drink,” he looked down at the bottle of beer in his hands, “I mean I drink, but not much, maybe a beer every few days, I don’t—“

“Chris, he’s never been to rehab,” I spoke to get the attention off Justin. I’ve never seen him this anxious in my life, and I’ve definitely seen him in many nerve-racking situations, “I know you don’t know him enough to understand that yet, but it’s actually really insulting to accuse someone of that. So why don’t you go ahead and move on to your next question?”

“Fine. Why did you call my mom on my birthday this year?”

Justin let out a noticeable sigh of relief before answering softly, “I call your mom on your birthday every year.”

“Why?”

“To see how you’re doing and what’s going on.”

“If you care about how I’m doing why do you only call on my birthday?”

“I don’t,” he answered simply, “I call her a few times a year. We email a lot and she keeps me updated.”

“Why now?”

“It’s not just now, Chris. I’ve been doing it since you were born.”

Chris turned to me and I nodded my head. “But why did you want to meet me now?”

“I guess I just had enough. I was sick of waiting.”

Chris seemed satisfied enough with the answer and was ready to move on. “Do I have any cousins?”

“No,” Justin shook his head, “I’m the only child. I have two half brothers but they’re young, one in high school, one in college.”

“Grandparents?”

“Yeah. My mom and my stepdad. My father remarried too, I’m not that close to them.”

“Do they know about me?”

“Uh, my mom and stepdad do.”

I changed the subject away from Justin’s mother as quickly as I could, “Justin’s grandfather, his name is William. That’s where you got your middle name from. He’s been sending you birthday cards and notes since you were born. I’ll give them to you later.”

Justin turned to me, “He has? I didn’t know that.”

I nodded my head, “He’s a really good man. I hope you get to meet him someday. I hope I  get to meet him someday.” Justin’s grandfather has been writing me letters ever since we told his mother I was pregnant. He started off apologizing for his complete bitch of a daughter, who also happens to be Justin’s mother. We always kept in touch, he was always so interested in Chris. I’d send him pictures and keep him updated as much as I could. 

“We will definitely make that happen,” Justin smiled. 

“Good,” I returned the smile and turned to Chris. 

“How long are you here for?” Chris asked, getting right back to business. 

“What do you mean?”

Chris looked down at his paper, “I mean, every time you sent me a card it was from a different city so how long are you staying in LA?”

“Oh,” Justin answered softly and gave me a look, “I live here, I’ll be here for awhile, I mean forever. I was touring a lot, that’s why the cards were from all over. I’m done with the tour, I’m taking some time off so I’ll be around for awhile.”

Chris shrugged and put his paper down. 

“You’re really good at this, you should be a reporter. Do you want to be a reporter?” Justin asked with a smile. 

Chris shook his head, “No.”

“What do you want to be?”

“In the NBA.”

“Obviously,” I answered with a smile.

“Obviously,” Justin repeated, “Awesome. Any more questions?”

“Not now.”

“Alright. I’m going to give you my number and you can call me, or text me, anytime you want, alright? If you think of any more questions or you just want to talk give me a call. Whenever, even if it’s in the middle of the night. Alright?”

Chris nodded his head and put Justin’s number in his cell. Then, to both Justin and my surprise, he texted Justin but kept his eyes on his phone, “So you have my number too.”

I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. I wanted to get up and scream.  This is big. This is so big. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Justin gave me a quick half smile, much better at keeping his cool than I am. 

Chris looked up at me, saw my huge smile and then quickly stood up, “I’m going upstairs. Bye.”

“Um ok, it was good to see you again I’ll—“ Justin trailed off as Chris made his way upstairs. 

I waited to hear Chris’s bedroom door close before scooting closer to Justin. I couldn’t contain my excitement anymore, I squealed and started drumming on his knees. 

“Relax, keep your cool,” Justin whispered before looking up at the stairs, and then letting that big smile find its way to his face. 

“How can I possibly keep my cool? You just got the digits, man!”

“He fell for the ol’ let me give you my number just in case,” Justin said with a smug smile, “Just like his mother did.”

“Oh please, if I remember correctly you thought you were so smooth but I definitely did not fall for it.”

“Nah, you don’t remember correctly.”

“I absolutely remember correctly! You kept asking me in the dorkiest way possible and I finally gave it to you to stop you from embarrassing yourself.”

He raised his eyebrows, “And that was after how many nights I stayed at your place?”

I covered my mouth with my hands to hide the laughing, “That’s not the point.”

“I’m pretty sure it is the point. I was real smooth, still am.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

Justin nodded his head and smiled, “It’s good to see you again, Mac. I know I’ve said that a lot lately, but it really is,” He stood up before I could say anything, “But I should get going. I’ll give you a call soon, we can plan something else. Or, ya’know, I’ll just call Chris, since I have his number and everything.”

“Yup, cause you’re smooth,” I said as I followed him to the door. 

“Yeah see, glad you’re finally able to admit it,” he smiled before pulling me into a tight hug, “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“OK. Bye, Justin.”