March 2014 

When I was growing up, I used to be friends with a girl named Michelle. She was one of my best friends, until we turned into teenagers. Something happened to her, one day she’d be the fun girl I knew and the next she would be moody and straight out mean. When she was in a good mood, she was so fun. But god when she was in her bad mood, stay away! Kelly and I used to joke that we never knew what we were getting, the “Good Michelle” or the “Bad Michelle”. 

I know now that she was going through her moody teenage years and to be fair, Kelly and I were probably going through them as well but we just always understood each other. Anyway, the point of my story is that my dear, sweet, son has reached his moody teenage years. It’s almost as if it happened overnight. We now have a “Good Chris” and a “Bad Chris”. 

Unfortunately, these past few days the “Bad Chris” must have locked the “Good Chris” in a room somewhere because this kid has been such a pain in the ass I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

After spending the night at the Lakers, I really thought we made some progress. But now, Chris hardly even talks to me and he sure won’t talk to me about his father. I’m afraid to ask because every time I even look in the wrong direction he gets mad at me. I can’t even breathe without it being a problem. I can’t be an annoying mother, I’m still too young and cool for that!

Now it’s Saturday morning and Justin is on his way over. We planned to go on a hike because Chris loves hikes and the two of them still need to get to know each other. Justin said he tried texting and calling Chris but he never heard back. I assured him it was the “Bad Chris” and he shouldn’t take it personally, but we’d love to go. 

I should have known better.

“Chris! Come on!” I called up the stairs before pouring my coffee into a travel mug. He’s going to ignore me, just like he did when I went into his room and had to literally shake him awake.

A knock on the front door made me jump, “Christopher William, I swear to god if you do not get down here I’m putting all your birthday money into your college fund. Go ahead, test me!”

I opened the door and let out a sigh. 

“Hey,’ Justin greeted me with a smile, “Everything ok?”

I nodded my head and forced a smile,  pulling my long blonde hair into a messy bun, “He’s driving me absolutely crazy,” I whispered to Justin as he pulled me into a hug.

“Having a good morning, I see,” he chuckled, fixing the brim of his gray baseball cap. 

Instead of answering I offered a sarcastic smile and stopped at the stairs, “Christopher William, get down—!”

“I’m. Down,” my son called from the kitchen. I took a deep breath and walked in to see him leaning against the refrigerator, still wearing his pajama pants.

“Hey Chris, how’s it going?” Justin asked with a smile as he sat down at the counter. 

Chris opened the refrigerator door and stuck his head inside instead of even acknowledging Justin’s presence. 

This is going to be fun. 

I took a deep breath and poured Justin a cup of coffee, “Chris, Justin said good morning.”

My new, obnoxious son turned around and stuck a piece of bagel into his mouth. He pointed to his full mouth, as if that was an excuse as to why he wasn’t speaking. As if there’s ever been an excuse for him not to speak with his mouth fun.

I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him the evil eye, “We’ll wait.”

He took his time chewing and gave me a smart smile before finally speaking with obvious fake excitement,“Good morning, Justin. So nice to see you.”

Justin let out an awkward chuckle as he looked between the two of us, “Yeah, nice to see you too.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, “Are you almost ready?”

“For what?”

“Chris, I am honestly losing every ounce of patience with you. Please just go get dressed so we can go for a hike.”

“Right, yeah. Sounds like fun and stuff but I can’t. Landon’s father got tickets to the X-Games. ”

“What? No. You can’t just tell me that, you have to ask me. I’m your mother, these things go through me first. You have to ask me.”

“Fine, can I go with Landon?”

“No, we’re going on a hike.”

“Come on Mom, I don’t want to go on a stupid hike,” he whined, “We can go on a hike any day and the X Games are only here—“

“You love going on hikes,” I broke in to stop the whining

“So, that doesn’t mean I always want to go. I like skateboarding better.”

“Justin came all the way here to go on a hike. I’ll take you to the X-Games tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to go,” he whined again. He turned to Justin for the first time and then quickly back to me, “Can we just… Mom? Can we talk over…?

Justin noticed the awkwardness and stood up, grabbing his phone from his pocket, “I have make a call. Outside. Sorry.”

I laughed to myself at how awkward these two are, and watched Justin make his way out the sliding glass door and pretend to talk on the phone as he paced around the pool. 

Chris hopped up on the counter, “Mom please, I don’t want to go. It’s like I have to see him all the time now and I really don’t want to see him all the time. I just saw him.”

“That was last week and you were with Landon the whole night.”

“I talked to him, you said I should talk to him and I did.”

“The more you talk to him the easier it will be.”

“Moooom,” he growled, “Why do we have to see him every weekend? And for a whole day? I need a break! Why can’t he just like come over for dinner on a Wednesday or something? Then he can’t stay long cause I have practice and then homework and school the next day.”

I bit my lip to stop it from quivering. I knew things were awkward but I didn’t think Chris felt that way. I can’t believe he feels this way. He’s supposed to be excited to see his father, it’s not supposed to be a chore. 

“Chris, he’s…”

“I promise I’ll talk to him later I just really want to go to the X Games. It’s not fair to punish me just because he wants to go on a stupid hike. Why can’t we go tomorrow?”

“I’m not punishing you,” I answered quickly, the last thing I want is for him to think of spending time with Justin as a punishment. 

“Then how about if I go with Landon and then you go on the hike and when you get back and I get back we can go to dinner or something, I’ll have dinner with him.”

I licked my lips and looked out at Justin, still pacing around the pool and pretending to talk on the phone. “Chris, I don’t want you to think of spending time with your father as some sort of punishment. This is a good thing. I know it’s weird now, but you have to get to know him and then things will be easier.”

“Fine, but can’t I get to know him after the X-Games?”

I let out a sigh, “He came all the way here.”

“So who cares? He doesn’t live that far away, you said so yourself. You can go with him.”

“Maybe if you answered your texts he wouldn’t have come all the way here,” I answered softly and looked out at Justin who was still pacing around. I caught his eye and waved him in, “You have to apologize to him for making him come out here and ask him if he’ll let us take him to dinner instead.”

Chris began to object but stopped when Justin came back inside. 

“Hey, sorry about that. I had a call,” he held his phone up for emphasis. 

I looked at Chris, he looked at me. I widened my eyes, and Chris took a deep breath before beginning, “I’m sorry but I forgot that Landon’s father got tickets to the X-Games last night. For today.” 

I smiled, he’s so cute. He can’t even speak right. 

“So I’m going to go with them. Sorry that you had to come out here. Do you want to get dinner with us instead?”

Justin looked at me as if this were some kind of a trick. I nodded and in turn, Justin nodded, “Uh, yeah man, that’s cool. I’m happy with dinner.”

Chris finally smiled. 

“You better be home by five. And you’re going to be a little angel and no more moody Chris. Get all the miserable out of the way at the X Games and then come home and be happy. Got it?”

“Got it,” Chris smirked and gave me a quick hug. Sure, it was a small, weak hug but it was a hug and I haven’t had one of those from him in awhile. 

“Call me when you get there, and when you’re on your way home. Make sure you answer your phone!”

“Ma, I know the drill. I’m home alone all the time.”

“Do you really need to talk back to me about everything?” I pulled him closer and kissed his forehead, “Bye.”

“Bye Ma, have fun. Bye Justin.”

Chris was upstairs before either of us could even answer. I let out a sigh and sat next to Justin. 

He chuckled, “Hey, he said bye to me. That’s progress. You ready?”

“You still want to go?”

“Yeah, why not? I’m here.”

I feel really bad about how Chris has been acting. I know it’s difficult for him, but Justin has been waiting so  long for this and it’s become quite the disaster. 

“I’m really sorry about Chris, I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” I said on the drive to the canyon. 

“Mac, I’ve been gone his whole life. It’s going to take some time for him to want to talk to me. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, but I’m happy just to be able to see him. He can’t hate me forever.”

“You’d be surprised,” I answered with a smile

“Thanks, that helps.”

“He’s just changed into this miserable brat basically over night. I mean, it makes sense that he’s like that around you, but he’s been such a terror to me too.”

Justin looked concerned, “I’m sorry, Mac. I know I’m making this difficult for you. You guys had everything figured out then I just popped up and complicated everything.”

“No, I’m not blaming you. I mean, it sucks, and it’s totally all your fault,” I smiled, elbowing him as he drove, “but it’ll be worth it. Chris will get over this and realize how good it is to have you around. He’s also a thirteen year old boy and going though all the normal crap a thirteen year old goes through. He’ll grow out of it soon. I think you guys just need to spend more time together.”

“Yeah, I need to take him somewhere fun. We need to do something he wants to do, even if it is with me.”

“Well I thought that was going for a hike.”

“Maybe I could get him to play ball with Kobe.”

“Pull out the big guns, huh?” I asked with a chuckle, god that escalated quickly. “I think maybe you shouldn’t try to impress him with Kobe Bryant, at least not yet. Save that for a last resort.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Justin smiled as he pulled into a parking spot, “I’ll hold on to that one.”

“Well, I for one, am happy you’re around. Chris is too, he just has a funny way of showing it.”

“I’m happy I’m around, too. I just can’t wait for him to stop hating me.”

“I don’t think he hates you,” I laughed as I climbed out of the car. 

The parking lot was surprisingly empty except for a few random cars. Of course Justin knows the little trails that no one else does. I’ve never been here before, but it’s kind of nice not to have to worry about someone seeing us.  

As we began our hike, I noticed Justin was abnormally quiet. He seemed distant, like he had a lot on his mind. Of course he does.  I decided to let him keep to himself, knowing he’ll talk if/when he wants to. 

We continued the hike in silence, it wasn’t until we were almost up the canyon when he first took his eyes off the ground and actually made eye contact with me. I offered a friendly smile, he smiled back. 

“So do you, uh, should we,” he spoke softly before finishing the question as if it were one word, “do-you-wanna-talk-about-Kate?”

This is it. It’s happening. This is the part where he’s going to tell me about how happy and in love he is with this supermodel slash famous actress. This is the part where I have to listen to him tell me how he’s never felt this way about anyone else and he finally feels like maybe everything else in his life was worth it because he finally found his soul mate. And I’ll just stand here, trying desperately not to break down and cry in front of him because, the truth, he’s that person to me. 

I thought I was over him and maybe in some ways I was, but now that he’s here and Chris knows him, all those feelings are coming back. I know it can’t work out between us, I know it won’t work. I know it’s the furthest thing on his mind because he’s happily engaged to a supermodel. But seeing him, not in secret, and with Chris it makes me think of what could have been. If things went differently. If I married him when he asked. If we were a family. 

Please god, help me keep my cool while he tells me all about this girl he’s going to marry. Please help me to pretend it doesn’t bother me even in the slightest that he’s moved on and is getting married. Married. And I’ll just continue lying to myself and pretend that I’m happy for him, so happy that he’s been able to move on with his life and marry a supermodel. Meanwhile, I manage to ruin every relationship I ever have because all I do is compare everyone to Justin. No one is Justin. Matt wasn’t Justin, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s something that I need to come to terms with and stop thinking that the fairy tale will work out. It won’t. It can’t. Life isn’t a fairy tale.

“Mac?” Justin spoke again and I nervously nodded my head. Great, Justin only asked if I wanted to talk about her and I’ve already failed to keep my cool. “Let’s uh, take a break?” he nodded towards a bench and I followed, nervously sitting down next to him. 

He took a few deep breaths, looking out at the view of the city below us. I snuck a glance at him, then quickly turned back to the view. 

Justin took one more deep breath, puckering his lips as he exhaled, “Alright, I just… it’s so awkward to talk about this with you. I mean we haven’t talked about it and I guess maybe we should. I mean—”

“You don’t have to feel awkward about it,” I spoke up to stop his rambling, “It’s been thirteen years since we—“

He raised an eyebrow, noticeably relaxing after I spoke, “Thirteen years, huh?”

“Ten years,” I corrected myself.

Justin coughed back a laugh as he took a sip from his water bottle and looked around, “You know no one’s here, right? It’s just you and me.”

“Yeah.”

“So why you gotta pretend it’s been ten fucking years?”

“Eight years.”

“Five,” he corrected me, “It’s been five years, Mackenzie.”

“Well yeah, if you count…”

“Of course I count… don't you count…?”

“Well not really,” I answered honestly.

It was one night, five years ago. I was pressured into starting to date again by my parents and Kelly and basically everyone I came in contact with. So, I went out with this total Hollywood guy who for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to take an almost thirty year-old mother of a eight year-old to the opening of a hot new Hollywood club. I was having a horrible time, listening to… I don’t even remember his name, drop names like no one’s business. 

Then I noticed Justin, on the edge of the dance floor, dancing around and having the time of his life. I turned back to, I think it was Tim… or maybe Jim, it doesn’t matter. I hadn’t seen Justin in years but seeing him that night, smiling and laughing like he’s never been as happy as he was at that moment, made it impossible for me to keep my eyes off him. 

When he saw me he walked right towards me, but I quickly excused myself and met him at the bar. He ordered me a shot of tequila, a new brand he was thinking of investing in, and we caught up like we’d never been apart. 

He asked me what I was doing there, and when I told him he managed to convince me to ditch Jim (or Tim) and spend the night with him. I told Jim/Tim I had to get home and literally hid behind Justin until he left the club. Justin wrapped his arms around me tightly, and we stood there in the middle of the club, without a care in the world.

I was a little tipsy, as was Justin, but when he leaned down and kissed me in the middle of the club I felt like we were the only ones there and we were back to where we were ten years before. Except this time we were in public, surrounded by the kind of people we always had to hide from. And for once, he didn’t care.

We didn’t stay long and went back to his house. By the time we got there our buzz had worn off and we realized what was happening, but we still didn’t care. We made out, we made love, then we talked. We talked about our son, about what had been happening in our lives, about everything. Then we made out and made love again. 

The next morning I woke up fully prepared to feel guilty, like I’d done something incredibly wrong. But I didn’t. I felt like maybe, for once, I actually did something incredibly right. Then the reality set in that it wasn’t real, it couldn’t work. After spending the entire day together I went to my parents to pick up Chris then went home, once again with a broken heart. 

How many times can one heart break?

I don’t count those days because I don’t like to think about it. When I do think about it, I get ridiculously angry because I thought that maybe we had actually figured it out. I thought that maybe things had changed and all the madness surrounding Justin was no longer a problem. But most of all, I don’t count those days because I found out a few weeks later that he was dating Kate. 

It was stupid of me to think that time had changed anything. I should have known better, but when it comes to Justin I always think there’s going to be a time when all the other shit doesn’t matter. I know how dumb it is for me to have thought that, I have since realized it will never happen. I realized that long before I found out he’s engaged. But it still hurts to think about it.

“Not really?” Justin asked snapping me back to reality, “How do you not really count that?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, surprised he’s getting so upset about it.  “I mean it was one night and there was tequila…”

“Oh for fucks sake Mac,” he leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair, not letting me finish “Sure, it was one night, and the whole next day and don’t use tequila as an excuse. There was, maybe, a shot of tequila, but we were completely sober by the time we got to my house and you know that.”

I looked out at the view below us and refused to turn to him, even when I felt his gaze on me. 

Justin took a deep breath before continuing, “Look, I know I started dating Kate right after that and I don’t, I just want you to know that I wasn’t with her that night. I didn’t even know her then. So I don’t want you to think that I…”

“OK,” I answered softly.

“Mac,” he spoke like I was being scolded. 

“Justin,” I turned to look at him and answered in a similar tone. 

“It just started out as a publicity thing, ya’know? It was a good story, sell some magazines. She had a movie coming out, I had an album. Then things started getting real and… here we are.”

“How romantic,” I answered sarcastically, regretting I said that aloud before I even finished.

Justin coughed back a laugh, “Smoke and mirrors.”

“Your mother must be happy.” I can’t believe I’m saying these things, I can’t help it. I’m being so bitchy and obnoxious and I don’t even realize it until it’s too late.

“Yeah, you know her. She loves Kate.”

I nodded my head, “that’s good.” I hope that sounded sincere. 

Justin bit his bottom lip and nodded his head, “You know what’s weird? I asked you to marry me… how many times? At least a hundred, right? You always said no. I asked her once and she said yes.”

I prayed Justin couldn’t hear my heart beating rapidly in my throat, “That’s a good thing. It means it’s right.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he nodded his head before turning to me, “it felt right with you too, though.”

I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would break down so I only answered in a whisper, “we were teenagers.”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded his head, “Yeah, we were.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, finally speaking to break the silence, “What does she think of Chris?”

He didn’t answer right away, this is probably the easiest part of the conversation we’ve had so I don’t know what’s taking him so long, “Justin, you told her about Chris, right?”

“It hasn’t really… come up.”

“You have to tell her!”

“I know, I know. I will.”

“You really have to. It’s not going to just come up you have to tell her. Where does she think you’ve been all this time?”

He shrugged, “She’s in Vancouver working on a film.”

“I know that you’re used to having these two different lives.  Chris and I are usually this secret life that you don’t tell anyone about, but you’re going to marry her. And you’re going to be in Chris’s life, you’re not going to leave him again.”

“No, of course not.”

“So you need to tell her. It’s a big deal.”

“I know, I will.”

“Seriously. Like soon.”

“Yes ma’am,” he answered with a smile. I can’t believe he hasn’t even told his fiancé. He doesn’t tell his new agent, he doesn’t tell his fiancé. I’m pretty sure there’s only like four people in his life that know about Chris. 

Justin took a sip of his water before turning to me, “So, what’s going on with you and that guy? What’s his name, Matt?”

I nodded my head and stood up, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore. Ready to go on?”

“Yeah, sure,” Justin chuckled as he stood up, “As soon as we start talking about you you’re ready to run away.”

“I’m not running away, I’m ready to keep walking. There’s not much to talk about, we broke up.”

“What happened?”

“It didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?”

“We didn’t. “

“OK,” he chuckled again, “you’re great with the details.”

When I get myself into awkward situations I tend to try to escape them. I also do my best to escape conversations I don’t want to have. This is most definitely a conversation I don’t want to have, especially with Justin. The only thing on my mind was getting away from the conversation, no matter what. I didn’t even notice a hole in the path and twisted my ankle. A normal person would just twist their ankle. But not me. 

I lost my balance and fell off the path and down the rocky hill.

The next thing I remembered was waking up at the base of the hill with Justin standing over me, catching his breath, “Shit. Are you alright? Mac?”

I tried to lift my left arm to block the sun but it wouldn’t move, so I lifted my right, “I’m…yeah… did I just…?

“Yeah, you just fell down the fucking canyon. Are you alright?”

I tried to sit up but failed, god it hurt so much. Instead I looked up at the hill, “It’s not really a canyon, it’s more of a hill.”

“A hill made of rocks,” Justin answered, “Or a canyon.”

“A canyon has steep cliffs, I didn’t fall down a cliff.”

“It’s still steep, it’s not a cliff but it’s steep,” he shook his head to clear his thoughts, “It doesn’t matter, why are we talking about this? Are you ok? Can you move? I’ll call an ambulance,” he reached for his cell phone and then stuffed it back in his pocket, “No reception. Shit.”

“I’m fine. I’m totally fine. Just help me up.”

Justin looked around for some kind of help. Of course, we’re at the hidden park no one except him knows about so there wasn’t anyone around. “I really think I should call—“

“Justin, I’m absolutely fine. I’m a nurse, trust me. Just help me up.”

He reluctantly helped me up, realizing he didn’t have any other options. I almost fell down again but he caught me, “You’re not ok.”

“My arm is broken and my leg might be too. You’re going to have to take me to the hospital.”

“How’s your head?” he asked, reaching towards my forehead, “You’ve got a big knot.”

“I can’t feel my—“ the earth was spinning but Justin caught me and quickly picked me up, “I think I need to go to the hospital.”

“Yeah, I think you need to go to the hospital. Christ Mac, you’re really giving me a workout today,” he chuckled as he carried me up the trail.

“I can probably walk if you just—“

I must have passed out again because the next think I knew I was laying in the back of Justin’s Escalade as he drove frantically, “Why am I back here?”

Justin looked into the rearview mirror as he continued driving, weaving in and out of the lanes, “You passed out. You really need to stay awake Mac, you might have a concussion.”

“I obviously have a concussion but that’s a medical myth. It’s actually good to sleep when you have a concussion.”

“I would believe you in a normal situation, but I’d rather we not test that theory right now.”

“It’s not a theory, it’s a fact. When you have a concussion your brain needs to rest. My brain needs to rest, Justin.”

“Cool, well let’s let your brain rest when we get to the hospital.”

“Why am I laying down? I don’t need to lay down,” I tried to sit up but it didn’t work.

“Can you do me a favor and just sit still? We’re almost there.”

“How can I sit still when I’m laying down?” he’s getting annoyed with me but it’s a serious question. I don’t feel any pain, I should be sitting up.  “Which hospital are you taking me to?”

“We’re right down the road from Hollywood Community.”

“No, you’re out of your mind. Do not take me there. Take me to my hospital.”

“Cedars-Sinai is on the other side of town, we’re right here.”

“Justin, Hollywood Community is a complete dump. Trust me, I’m going to have to stay for a few days and I’m going to be completely miserable. Cedars is like ten minutes away. Please. The doctors know me so they’ll take better care of me. I promise this isn’t a life or death situation.”

“Fine,” he answered, glancing back at me every few seconds, “But you have to stay awake.”

“I am so wide awake. Talk to me Justin, tell me a story.”

He laughed, “I don’t know what to tell you, kid.”

“It’s so weird laying in the back of your Escalade.”

“Yeah, brings back memories, huh?”

I laughed, “We never had sex in the back of your Escalade!”

“I did not say that!” he laughed, turning back at me as we stopped at a red light, “Besides, I didn’t have the Escalade back then.”

“Yeah, it was the Lexus.”

“Your memory is on point,” I could see his sly smile in the mirror. 

“Even when I’m concussed.”

“Even when you’re concussed,” he agreed as he pulled up to the emergency entrance of the hospital and helped me out of the car. I was put into a wheelchair and pushed quickly through the hospital, “Can you call my brat of a son, please?”

“Yeah,of course,” Justin said as he jogged to catch up with me, “Should I go get him?”

“No, just tell him I’m ok and not to worry. If he wants to come you can get him, but he doesn’t have to come.”

“OK,” he grabbed onto my hand, “Then I’ll come find you.”

“OK, then come find me,” I answered reaching my hand out to hold his as long as I could.