September 2000

The room was cold. Like, freezing cold. Like, abnormally freezing cold to the point the AC had to be broken. Everyone was silent, the fluorescent lights flickering like we were in some kind of a mental hospital. I definitely felt like we were in a mental hospital. 

I sat at a long conference table, my mother sitting on my right and my father to the left. Across from me was Justin, but I couldn’t even look at him. He was surrounded my two lawyers on his right and his mother on the left. 

My father carefully read over papers, every now and then pushing them towards me to sign. I did as I was told, trusting him more than I ever did in my life. I still don’t know what my father said to Justin that night he asked for advice. All I know is the advice my father told me and I would guess it’s quite similar since we’re both currently sitting across from each other. 

A few days ago my father sat me down and reminded me that this whole thing was my decision and he’d be behind me one hundred percent whatever I decide. “It’s not just you and Justin anymore,” he said, “It’s not about you two. When you have a baby everything changes, you’re no longer living for yourself. Every decision you make will be to make sure your child is taken care of. Things change, love fades. You need to think about what is most important to you, not just at this moment but for the rest of your life. For the rest of your baby’s life.  Things may change with Justin, even if he were just some college kid you met at a frat party. Things change. People change. Life is full of unknowns. The one thing that you can control right now, is that your baby is taken care of. 

“You’re young, you’re in school, you don’t have a job. You’re not financially in the place to have a baby right now. Of course your mother and I will help you. But there’s some things that even we can’t help you with. It’s a difficult decision that you need to make. I know how you feel about Justin. I know how he feels about you. But, a parent’s life is all about sacrifices and unfortunately you two are going to learn that lesson before the baby is even born.”

That conversation we had still haunts me. I definitely don’t want to be here right now signing these papers saying that I’ll never even talk to Justin ever again. My baby will never know his or her father. But my father’s right, we’re parents now and we need to make sacrifices.

It was harder to convince Justin. He still thinks he can have it all, we could get married and start a perfect little family complete with the white picket fence and golden retriever in the yard. He thinks he can go away and tour and keep doing what he’s doing and…I don’t even know what he thinks the baby and I would be doing while he’s touring. Maybe I’d be stuck in a stuffy hotel room with a screaming baby. 

Justin has come around though. Kicking and screaming, but he’s here isn’t he. Of course, he’s here ready to sign the papers but he is convinced this will only last a few months, maybe a few years, and then we’ll go back to normal. Although I’m afraid this is our new normal. 

I was brought back to reality as my father pushed another paper in front of me and pointed to a line for me to sign. I scribbled my name and turned to my mother, who was sitting next to me with her arms crossed over her chest staring down Justin’s mother. After speaking to my mother and explaining every detail of the evil woman sitting across from her, she insisted on coming today. My dad is the professional one, while my mother sits there daring Justin’s mother to say one word to me. 

My mother is usually soft-spoken, she always taught me the importance of manners and being kind. She’s a nurse, one of the best, and is known for her bedside manner. But apparently when someone talks ill of her daughter, she goes all mother hen on them. I’m kind of waiting for Justin’s mother to say something so I can see her in action. 

Justin’s lawyer slid a pile of papers over at him and pointed to the lines he had to sign. Out of my peripheral vision I could see Justin hold onto his pen tightly and look across the table at me. I forced myself to meet his gaze and felt a tear fall down my face as soon as I did. 

Justin closed his eyes and shook his head, then reached down and signed where he had to. He kept his eyes on me as I continued signing where my father told me to. Why is this  taking so long? This is torture.

Once Justin and I finished signing the piles of paper in front of us, our lawyers slid the contracts over to each other. They both took their time checking to make sure everything was done correctly. 

This is it. This is real. Justin and I just signed a contract stating that we will no longer have anything to do with each other. I’m really making out in this deal, Justin keeps insisting I get more than I need. He’s buying me a house, written in the contract is that it must have a pool and a basketball hoop. I swear. He’s paying me a huge amount of child support, paying for a nanny, as well as so many other things I never would have even thought about. 

I’m gaining all of these things. I’ll never have to worry about having enough money to feed my child or being able to finish school. I won’t ever have to work my way out of my studio apartment. This is all great, I mean sure, it’s great. This is supposed to be a success but it sure feels like a huge failure. 

After today, I won’t see Justin ever again. I won’t hear from him. I will have no contact with him. My child will never know his or her father. 

I will never see Justin again. 

I looked over at him again and the tears started flowing down my face in a steady stream. Justin’s mother rolled her eyes so bad I really wanted to jump over the table and rip them out of her head. 

“OK,” my father spoke softly as he stood up and reached over the table to shake Justin’s lawyers hands. 

My mother helped me up, my legs don’t seem to be working anymore. This is my life. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. 

Justin quickly made his way to our side of the table. When his mother grabbed his arm to keep him next to her, he pushed it away. 

“Thanks Mr. C, for everything.” 

My dad nodded his head and pulled him in for a quick hug, “You take care of yourself, alright Justin?”

Justin nodded his head and moved over to my mother, who quickly pulled him into a hug. I was surprised by my mother’s reaction, I know she used to like Justin but after everything that’s happened, well I guess I just didn’t expect it, “We’ll miss you, Justin.”

“I’m really sorry about all this, Mrs. Cole. Thanks for always, you know, treating me like one of your own.”

“Of course sweetie, it’s been a pleasure,” she rubbed his back before they broke apart. 

My knees went weak, luckily my father was there for me to lean against. 

Justin stood in front of me, neither of us able to say anything. He reached up to wipe the tears off my face, “Don’t cry.”

I coughed back a laugh, it’s kind of funny that he things I have any control over it. 

“It’s going to be alright,” he forced a half smile before pulling me close to himself. I cried in his arms for a long time. Probably too long. When we finally pulled apart I noticed we were alone in the room, well almost alone. Justin’s mother was standing by the door with her arms crossed over her chest like a warden in a prison. 

I laughed when I saw her. I didn’t mean to, but the way she was standing there like a prison guard was absolutely insane. What is she planning on doing, pulling me away from her son? You’d think we went out a killing spree with the way she looks at me.

Justin followed my gaze and chuckled when he saw his mother, “Alright, relax Ma. Can you just give us a second?”

She huffed and took a step out of the door, but stood with her arms crossed in the doorway. Justin gave her a look before closing the door in her face.

“Leave it to your mother to bring some humor into the situation.”

“She’s crazy,” Justin answered as he made his way back to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, “Make sure that you let me know about the house. Send me pictures and make sure it has everything you need. Don’t worry about the price. I know you’re going to worry about the price. It’s important that it’s in a good neighborhood and has everything you need.”

“I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

“Right, well email me then.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the same thing.”

Justin wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close as he whispered, “Look Mac, you can email me. And you better email me. I need to know how you’re doing and everything that’s going on with the baby.”

“I will,” I whispered back.

“I’m still going to call you,” he shrugged as he pulled away, “We’re still going to talk, I don’t give a shit. They can’t tell me who I can talk to.”

I looked down at the floor, it’s all so stupid. I still don’t think Justin understands everything that just happened. “I have to go.”

He nodded his head and pulled me into him again, “I love you, Mac. I’m not going to just stop loving you.”

“I have to go,” I repeated in a whisper.

Justin leaned down to kiss me one more time. When we pulled apart I noticed my tears smeared across his face. I reached up to wipe them away and kissed him one more time. 

I walked out of the room, past his mother and past my parents. I didn’t look at anyone, even though I could feel all their eyes on me. I don’t want to be here any more. I want to go home and climb in my bed and cry until I’m all out of tears. 

I made my way to the car where my parents quickly caught up with me. I stood in the rain waiting, it’s only fitting it was a stormy day. It’s never a stormy day in Los Angeles but everyone is out to get me today. 

My parents met me at the car and let me cry. My mother sat in the back seat with me and held me in her arms as we drove home. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~

I spent the rest of the day in my studio apartment eating my feelings away. A pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, a bag of Doritos, gummy worms, and tons of other snacks covered my bed. Somewhere in the  middle of all that was me, crying the night away. 

I heard a knock on the door but ignored it. Kelly has been calling me all night but I want to be alone. I don’t know why that’s so hard for everyone to understand. I turned my phone off. 

The knocking turned to loud banging, “Mac, it’s me. Let me in! I know you’re in there!”

I wiped my cheesy hands on my white t-shirt and boxer shorts as I made my way to the door to see Justin standing outside covered in rain. He took a deep breath and reached for my hands before falling down to one knee, “What are you—“ I began. 

“Mackenzie, I am so madly in love with you and I don’t care what anyone else says. I want to be with you and that’s all that matters. I don’t have a ring. I mean I have a ring but it’s not a diamond because apparently you can’t just go buy one of those they have to order it, but I’ll get you a diamond. I’ll get you a big ass diamond. It’ll be so big they’ll see it from the moon. Marry me. Please. We’ll drive to Vegas, we’ll be there in a couple hours and be married by morning.”

He slid the rose gold ring on my left ring finger before I could respond.

I looked down at him, the rain falling over his face. His eyes were red and puffy, and he looked up at me, waiting for me to follow him to Vegas. 

Instead I tried to pulled him up, “Come inside.”

“I’m not coming inside until you say yes and we go to Vegas.”

“You’re going to get sick. It’s cold and you’re drenched. Please come inside.”

He stood up, defeated. I moved to the side of the doorway but he stood still, letting the rain fall over him. 

“Justin.”

He didn’t respond, instead he looked past me and into space, with no plans of moving anytime soon. I grabbed his hands and pulled him inside. 

“If we just go and get married, everything will be solved. They can’t tell me I can’t see my wife.”

I took a deep breath and walked away from him, “They can. They will.”

“Legally, my wife has certain rights…”

“Justin, we can’t get married.”

“Then what are we going to do?” he asked as if for the first time he actually understands what is happening. 

“We’re going to do what we have to do. I think you should let your clothes dry, you’re going to get sick.”

“Why can’t we do what we want to do? Why can’t what we want to do be the same as what we have to do?” he asked as he pulled his black t-shirt off and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair. 

“Because it’s not just us anymore. This is so much bigger than the two of us.” I moved to my bed and removed the snacks from the bed. It’s a little embarrassing that I have a bed full of snacks and Doritos cheese on my shirt, but then again, Justin was just crying in the rain on my doorstep. 

Justin pulled his shoes off, then his jeans, and dropped them over the other kitchen chair before crawling under the covers wearing only his boxer shorts. 

“It just kind of hit me, ya’know? How everything is changing. I’m not going to see you anymore. I’m not going to know my kid.”

I crawled under the covers and curled up to him, “I’ll keep you updated. I’ll send you pictures and tell you everything that’s happening.”

“He’s going to hate me.”

I sat up so I could look into his eye, “Our baby is not going to hate you.”

“Yes, our baby will. Because he won’t know me. Or she’ll think I abandoned her.”

“I won’t let that happen. I promise.”

Justin nodded his head and pulled me back to his chest, “If you change your mind about getting married, you just let me know. I’ll meet you in Vegas. In a heartbeat.”

I laughed and kissed his chest, “When I’m ready to get married, you’re going to be the first person I run to.”

“Good,” he chuckled, “So in a couple years, when all this shit blows over and I figure out a way to be with you again, I’m going to come find you. And you better not be with some schmuck.”

“Never.”

“Good. Cause I don’t want to have to kick some guy’s ass that I don’t even know.”

He ran his hands through my hair, and we laid in silence for a few seconds. The silence isn’t good for us, because then we start thinking and it’s hard to think about anything but being miserable. 

“Can we just, try to have one more normal night before I get dragged away on tour?”

I smiled, grabbed his head in my hands, and leaned down to kiss him gently. He reached up and pulled my t-shirt over my head before crawling on top of me. His lips pressed against mine and then he kissed down my neck. He continued kissing down my chest, stopping at my breast before finally continuing down my body. Justin froze when he got to my stomach, looked at it carefully, then gave it a sweet kiss. I felt his head press against my stomach, and he began quivering. 

I reached down and ran my hands through his hair, not completely sure how to handle this.

Justin took a few deep breaths and tried to get himself together before pulling away and quickly wiping his eyes as if he did fast enough, I wouldn’t know he was crying. 

“I didn’t know you… you kind of have a bump.”

I looked down at my formerly flat stomach, now complete with a small bulge. I reached down to touch it, this is the first I even realized I had a bit of a bump.

“I guess it’s really happening,” I answered, feeling my own tears slide down my face. 

“Yeah,” he laid next to me and pulled me back to his chest, “I guess it is.”

I reached down to touch my stomach again. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact I won’t be seeing Justin anymore, but the idea of having a real baby has been so hard for me to grasp. It always felt so far away but now, now I have a bump and, it’s real. And I’m freaking out. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know anything about babies, how am I going to…?”

“You’re going to be such a great mother, are you kidding? You’re going to teach him to appreciate classical music and you’re going to take him on fun adventures. You’re going to be a fun, cool mom that listens to her kid and does anything for him. You’re going to be the best mother in the world.”

I looked up at him and smiled, “You keep saying he. Do you think it’ll be a boy?”

“I think so. At first I thought it’d be a girl but now anytime I think about it I see a little boy.”

“If it’s a boy, I’ll name him Justin.”

“No,” he broke in, “I don’t want you to name him Justin.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too much, it’s not even my name anymore it’s just… a brand.I don’t like it. It represents too many bad things.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “What about if he has your middle name?”

“No, that’s my father’s name. Definitely not that.”

“Well what then? He needs to have some kind of connection to you.”

“How about Tim?”

“No, that’s stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because then his name will be Tim Timberlake.”

“He won’t have my last name,” Justin spoke quietly, hating to have to remind me of that.

“No, not right away, but what happens when you come back for me and we get married? I’d hate to have to call of a wedding because our son will have a silly name.”

Justin coughed back a laugh and kissed the top of my head, “Good point. Always thinking.”