January 18, 2001

I’m seven months pregnant and look like I’ve swallowed a beach ball. I feel like I have an evil alien in my body that does flips in my belly when I’m trying to sleep, makes me have to pee constantly, and forces me to eat everything I can get my hands on.

I moved into my new house two weeks ago. I found a nice, little two bedroom place but when I sent it to Justin he called me right away. It was too small, he said, there’s no pool. The yard was too small. Did I even look into the school districts?

He wasn’t having it. Even if, as part of the contract, I got to choose the house I’d be living in, he was not having it. A few days later he sent me an email with pictures of three huge houses and an appointment with a realtor. 

And now here I am, wandering around my huge house trying to find what happened to the compression socks I bought yesterday. I swear my brain stopped working. I start doing one thing and then I see something else and forget about everything. 

A strange noise echoed through the house and it took me a second to realize it was the doorbell. No one ever used the doorbell before. It’s not a normal doorbell ring, it’s like a song. I don’t like it, I need to figure out how to change it. 

I slowly made my way downstairs, having to stop at the bottom to catch my breath. I hate this whole pregnancy thing so much. 

The stupid doorbell song began again, “I’m coming, I’m obviously coming!” I shouted out to whoever it was and wobbled to the door. 

I took one more good breath before opening the door to see Justin’s goofy grin. I’m supposed to be excited, right? I’m supposed to fall into his arms and pull him inside and never let him go. Why do I feel like I want to rip his head off? “Um…” I began softly. 

“Um?” he chuckled once, a look of fear covering his face for a brief second before the grin found it’s way back, “Um, hey? Good to see you!”

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean what am I— I have a couple days off so I snuck out to see you. Is that ok?” he asked as if this is the first time that it even occurred to him that maybe it wouldn’t be ok for him to just pop in. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that legally we’re not supposed to see each other anymore , “Maybe I should have called…”

I bit my lip, watching him nervously place his hands in his dark blue jean pockets, “I just… come on in.”

Justin let out a breath he’d been holding in and smiled before following me inside.  I turned around to give him a tour of the house he bought for me and he wrapped his arms around me as soon as I did. “It’s so good to see you, Mac.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold in the tears. 

“You look good. You’ve gotten so big! You’re so adorable,” he continued, refusing to let go of me.

I look adorable. Right. I look like a fucking cow. I’m huge now, at least double in size from when he last saw me. And then he just decides today he’ll pop by, when my feet are so swollen and I’m wearing huge sweatpants and a giant t-shirt like a slob. 

When I managed to get out of his arms I wobbled to the kitchen and grabbed myself a bottle of water, holding one up for him but he shook his head. “I guess I should give you a tour?”

“I guess. I mean, I came to see you. I don’t really care that much about the house. How are you feeling?”

I headed towards the living room and slowly sat down on the couch before answering, “Like complete shit actually. It hurts to walk, my feet are so fucking swollen. It hurts to breathe. I can’t sleep, because I obviously can’t sleep on my stomach and when I try to sleep on my back it’s like I have a 50 pound weight pushing against me. The doctors say I should sleep on my left side but I can’t sleep on my left side. I haven’t slept well in weeks. Everything hurts. I’m blowing up like a balloon. My face is getting so fucking fat. I’m craving everything but then when I get it I want to throw up because nothing tastes good anymore. This baby, she’s like pushing against my ribs constantly and I can’t even—“

“She? You think it’s a girl?” he asked with a smile. 

“Did you even listen to anything I just said?” I shouted, “I don’t think it’s a girl. I don’t think it’s a boy. I don’t fucking know, how am I supposed to know? Every time I go anywhere complete strangers tell me I’m carrying like it’s a boy and then another complete stranger says I’m swollen like it’s a girl.  God, I was in the waiting room at my dentist yesterday and this lady tells me her husband has some kind of a gift or something and can always tell what pregnant women are going to have. She said he’s never been wrong and asked if I wanted to know. Like, complete stranger! These people would never talk to me if I wasn’t pregnant and when I need everyone to leave me the fuck alone they want to talk to me for hours.”

“Well what’d he he predict?”

I gave him the dirtiest look I’ve ever given another human being in my life, “Who cares? That’s what I’m saying! Who the fuck cares! I’m supposed to be excited because some rando wants to touch my belly and pretend he knows what’s inside?”

Justin scooted closer to me for some reason, probably trying to comfort me but it just made me more tense. 

“He said a girl,” I answered his question, hoping that would get him to scoot back.

Justin smiled and paced his hand on my lap, “It’ll get easier, babe.”

I laughed as his naive statement. Sure, it’ll get easier. A hell of a lot easier for him when he’s touring the world like a king. “It will not get easier. It will get worse. I still have two months to go, I’m only going to get bigger and more uncomfortable. And then what? It’s not over, it’s just beginning. I have to go through labor, push a big baby out of a little hole. And then, at the end of it all, I’ll have a baby. A real, live, baby that I will have to look after and take care of for the rest of my life. It will never be easier than it was before all this happened. Never again.”

Justin looked me over and took a deep breath, praying for the words to make me feel better. It’s useless though, there’s nothing he could say to make me feel better. Just as he opened his mouth to speak the stupid doorbell song began again. “I’ll get it, stay there.”

“It’s probably your mother. She probably has a fucking tracker implanted that alerts her when you get close to me.”

He ignored my comment and made his way to the door, “Oh hey yeah, maybe bring it through the back? You can come in, what do you think?” 

A tall man wearing a pair of dirty blue jeans and a plain green t-shirt came into my house, walking right through the kitchen and inspecting the sliding glass doors by the backyard, “Yeah, we can take this one down and it’ll fit in easy.”

“And you can get it through the kitchen alright?” Justin asked, looking over at the bar separating the kitchen from the living room.

“Uh, yeah. We have the legs off and we’ll just hold it upright.”

“What’s going on?” I asked out of confusion. 

“You might want to uh, take her upstairs or something,” the man said before letting himself out of the sliding glass doors and into my backyard. 

Justin turned to me and smiled, “Hey. So… do you want to like, go upstairs for a little?”

“No, not really. Why? What’s going on?”

“I just, have something for you and it would be easier if you went upstairs. I’ll come up in a minute. You can lay down and rest then we can order dinner once it’s all done.”

I turned my attention away from Justin and back to the sliding glass door that was being unscrewed and leaned against the house. He just comes into my house as if he’s been around these past few months and we’re still going strong. As if nothing has changed over the past four months. What is wrong with him?

Justin followed my gaze and chuckled, “Upstairs. Please? I promise it’ll be worth it. I’ll help you up.”

He grabbed onto my arm and walked me to the stairs as I kept my gaze on the man removing the doors in my house, “Be careful, why are you—“

“He’s fine. We’re fine!” he shouted at the man and brought me upstairs. He smiled and looked around my bedroom, “Looks good, you’re all settled in, huh?”

“Why are there strange men in my house? And why are they taking the doors out?”

Justin smiled and kissed my forehead, “Why don’t I go make you some tea and you can rest? I know you’re tired. Let me help you while I’m here.”

“I’m sorry, why do you think having a strange man remove my doors is helping me?”

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss my lips, “God, I missed you, Mac.”

I took a deep breath and fell back on the bed, struggling to find a position that didn’t hurt too much, and closed my eyes.

When I woke up Justin was laying next to me, with his hand on my belly. He smiled when he noticed I was awake, “I felt him kick.”

“Yeah, he does that a lot. Usually wakes me up.”

“Did you have a nice nap? Feeling any better?”

“Yeah I guess, I’m just… in constant pain.”

He grabbed onto my hands, “How’s the house? Up to your standards?”

“Please Justin, it’s ridiculous.”

“What, you don’t like it?”

“I love it, it’s just excessive.”

“Well, you need a house Mac.”

“Sure, I’m just not sure I need a house with four bedrooms and a pool.”

“Of course you do,” he smiled, “You hungry? Want to get some food?”

I nodded my head, “Help me up?” it’s not easy for me to do anything nowadays. 

Justin helped me downstairs, and I froze when I saw the white grand  piano in the window at the front of the house. I looked over at Justin, he smiled, then turned back to the piano. Maybe he can’t be around, but how can I get mad at him when he buys me such pretty things? Like a house, or furniture, or a grand piano that used to belong to fucking John Lennon.

“I can’t take your piano.”

“What do you mean? It’s yours,” he smiled with pride. 

“I mean, I can’t take it. It’s too much. It’s yours.”

“You’ll get much more use out of it than I will.”

“No, I can’t,” I shook my head.

“It’s here, we can’t move it out again. It’s yours Mac, I want you to have it.”

“I don’t want it.”

His face fell flat, “What do you mean you don’t want it?”

I whined, “I mean, why are you giving it to me? It’s too much. It’s your piano and you’re giving me all these things and I can’t… it’s not going to make it better.”

“It’s just a piano, Mac,” he answered flatly. 

“It’s not just a piano. It’s John Lennon’s piano,” I felt myself snap,  “It’s this huge mansion of a house. It’s all the furniture and the pool and the nursery and… it’s everything. You can’t just buy me all of these things to make yourself feel better about all of this. It doesn’t make it better. You’re still going to be traveling around the world without a care in the world while I’m here being a single mother trying to finish college. This piano isn’t going to change that. This house isn’t going to change that.  There’s nothing that you can give me that will change that.”

Justin was quiet for a few seconds, as if it’s the first time he’s even thought about why he’s doing all this. He feels guilty and for some reason he thinks this stupid piano is going to make everything better.

“That’s not fair, Mac,” he answered softly.

“You’re right, it’s not fair. Nothing about this situation is fair. It’s not fair that you get to continue living your life as if nothing happened and every single part of my life has changed. I have no control of my body anymore.  I have no control of my life anymore. You’re going to be fine because you’re a guy and it doesn’t matter that you have this secret child no one is ever going to know about. My life is over before I can even legally have a glass of wine. Your life is just going to get better and better and my life is going to get worse and worse and that’s it. That’s how it works. We’re all so focused on you getting to live your dreams and be successful. But what about me? Why don’t my dreams matter?”

“Oh come on Mac, of course your dreams matter. That’s why I want you to have the piano.”

“Like I’m even going to be able to play with a crying baby around all the time. I don’t want it here. It’s going to be a constant reminder of everything I could have had. You keep it, your dreams still matter.”

“You were so afraid if I quit everything and we got married I’d resent you. And that’s exactly what’s happening here. You resent me because I’m doing what you told me to do. You made this decision before me. You signed the papers before me. You wanted this, you said that’s what you wanted. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to quit everything and be with you. I still do. I still will.”

I shook my head and felt the tears falling down my face, “You’re so full of shit, Justin. Do you even get that or are you so caught up on the act that you believe it yourself? You can pretend you’d quit all of this and you want to get married and live happily ever after but you know damn well that it would never happen. It wouldn’t happen because everyone in your life is telling you one thing so you’re going to go with what everyone says. You’re not going to follow your fucking heart because hearts break. Life happens. It’s not a fairy tale. You’re going to move on with your life and you’re going to forget all about me except when you see my name on your list of monthly bills. And that’s fine. That’s the way it is, but don’t pretend everything is prefect and in ten years everything will blow over and we’ll be together again. Don’t lie to me about that. Don’t lie to yourself. I’ve dealt with loosing you, I can’t live with some sort of false hope that it’s not going to happen. Now I need to focus on this baby and how my life will never be the same again.”

I waited for some kind of a reaction, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes were puffy and red, and he kept sniffling back tears. He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. 

“I want you to leave,” I spoke softly.

“You don’t mean that,” he answered in a whisper.

“Yes, I do. You being here is stressing me out and I’m seven months pregnant and it’s really bad for the baby if I’m stressed,” I paused but he didn’t move, “Justin, I want you to leave.”

He wiped his eyes and then looked up at me, “You really want me to leave?”

I nodded my head and spoke softly, “I don’t know how I can make it any clearer.”

“Fine,” he stood up, “You know none of what you said about me is true. You’re acting like you don’t even know me. You know me better than anyone else and that fucking hurts, Mac. It really fucking hurts. But I’m going to go because I love you and I’m going to do what you want. I would still leave all this shit and marry you in a heartbeat. Just say the word and it’s done.”

Justin paused, waiting for me to say the word. So I did.

“Bye.”

He coughed back a laugh and shook his head with disbelief as he headed towards the door, “OK, cool. Bye.  You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

The door slammed shut before I could say anything, not that I would have had anything to say anyway. 

Justin is gone.

That’s what I wanted.

Now where did I put those damn socks?