March 2014

I would give anything to be a fly on the wall at Justin’s house right about now. I wonder what Chris and Justin are doing, what they’re talking about. Does Justin even know how to take care of a kid? I mean Chris isn’t really a kid anymore, he can take care of himself. It’s just a night, it’s not that I’m worried. 

I’m just a little worried. 

They're both so awkward around each other, it wouldn’t surprise me if they were sitting at the table starring at each other. Honestly, Justin probably stuck him in one of the rooms on the other side of the house and maybe they’ll share a couple words when they eat breakfast in the morning. 

God, I hope it goes well. 

There was a gentle knock on the door as it slowly creaked open. I turned my head to see Kelly walking in, her pregnant belly sticking out so much more than the last time I saw her. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see you, what do you think? How do you not tell me you’re in the hospital?”

I let out a sigh and pushed the button on the side of the bed so I could sit up. “It’s not that big of a deal. Who called you, Chris?”

“You would think, wouldn’t you?” said said as she tossed her purse on a chair,  “But no.”

“Justin?” Kelly and Justin tend to call each other in these sort of situations. They like to fill the other in on things that happen in my life for some reason, especially when I’d rather they not.

“Matt,” placed a bag from In-N-Out on the table and slowly managed to sit, “So what’s going on? What happened?”

“I’m completely fine, you don’t need to be here.”

“Cool, I’ll just leave with my bag of In-N-Out burgers and fries. Oh and don’t forget the milkshakes,” she held one in front of me but just out of my reach. How did I not see that a second ago?

“Oh my god, you so get me,” I held my hand out for the food but she held it back, “Please?”

“Tell me what happened.”

“I fell. I tripped on something and I fell,” I answered, “Gimme! Gimme!”

She handed me the milkshake and went through the bag, “How did you trip on something?”

“I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Mmhmm,” she took a fry from the bag, “So what really happened, then?”

She handed me the container of animal style fries as a reward if I tell her the truth. It worked, I’m a sucker for In-N-Out, that’s for sure. “He wanted to talk about his fiancé and it got kinda weird. Then he wanted to talk about Matt and—“

“So you threw yourself off a cliff?”

I froze with a french fry in my hand, “I fell. And it was a hill.”

“Mmmhmm,” she rolled her eyes and stuffed another fry in her mouth,  “Where’s Chris?”

“Justin took him back home.”

“Justin. Went to his house. With Chris.” 

“Yes.”

Kelly giggled and leaned back in the chair, kicking her heels off and throwing her legs up to my bed, “That’s good. That’s real good.”

I laughed, “What do you— do you think they’re even talking? Oh my god, I can’t even begin to think about what’s going on there right now.”

“They’re probably just starring each other down. Chris is going to be insanely in shock by that house, that’s for sure.”

I nodded my head, taking a big bite out of my burger, “So good. Thank you.”

“I know my girl,” Kelly smiled as she took a bit of her burger. 

“You really don’t have to stay, it’s getting late.”

“I’m staying the night, obviously.”

“Kelly, I’m fine. You’re not staying over, you’re seven months pregnant.”

“Lucky for me I have the best prenatal nurse right here.”

“Neonatal,” I corrected her.

“Same thing.”

“Big difference. I’m not going to deliver your baby, I’ll take care of her once she’s born.”

Kelly took a deep breath, “The point being, I’m in a hospital so I can have a baby here if need be. Plus I have another two months so it’s not like anything is going to happen. But most importantly, I’m here and I’m not leaving so deal.”

“I’m calling Ryan,” I threatened. 

She rolled her eyes, “Yeah, great. Call my husband who dropped me off. He’ll be so mad to find out I’m here,” she answered sarcastically.

“It’s so uncomfortable though, come lay up here with me.”

“Yeah, cause I could even fit on that bed by myself.  I’m like three hundred pounds now, I’d probably break the bed.”

“Are you really? Three hundred pounds?”

“About that.”

“Dramatic,” I smiled. 

“You look like shit,” she gave me an obnoxious smile. 

I laughed and closed my eyes, “Thanks sweetie.”

“OK fine, go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

~~~~~~~~

It’s impossible to sleep in hospitals. There’s too many noises, all the beeping and moving around. It’s too bright, I need complete darkness to sleep, and it’s so hot, why is it always so hot? These are things I don’t really notice when I’m working here every day but when I’m here as a patient, it all makes sense. 

Kelly somehow managed to sleep a little. The nurse came in to check on me and brought her a bunch of pillows and one of those chairs that folds out to a cot. I know it’s in no way comfortable, especially when I remember how I felt when I was seven months pregnant. But Kelly is much more easygoing than I was. I was not a happy person during my pregnancy. Not one bit.

I watched Kelly get out of bed and pull her slippers out of her purse before opening the curtains and letting the sunshine in the room, then closed my eyes. I’m still exhausted, but I’m sure I won’t be able to sleep.

After dozing off for a few minutes I heard Chris and Justin walking into the room. I opened my eyes, but closed them quickly when I realized how tired I actually was. They looked different, the both of them. Chris was wearing one of Justin’s shirts. It was too big for him, but not by much. They were each holding a bouquet of flowers that they placed on the windowsill. 

“Come here, you little brat,” Kelly held her arms out for a hug, “I can’t believe you didn’t call me. I’m really mad at you.”

“I didn’t… I,” Chris began softly. 

“You could have at least texted me. God Christopher, you always call me first, got it? I’m the emergency contact. That’s me,” there were a few seconds of silence before she continued, “Your mother is doing fine, don’t worry about her. The nurses came in a lot to check on her and everything seems to be going well. She’ll probably get to leave later today,” Kelly paused and looked over at Justin for the first time, “How was your night at your father’s? He didn’t trick you into joining a boyband, did he?”

“Ah, she’s still got that sense of humor,” Justin chuckled as he leaned down to give her a quick hug and kiss on the top of her head, “Good to see you, Kel.”

“Yeah, you too. Good to have you back. I mean, you could have been a little more careful with Mac but, we’ll take what we can get I guess.”

“You know him?” Chris asked the question I knew would be coming at some point. I don’t want to start this again so soon, if Chris starts giving Kelly an attitude I don’t even know what to do anymore.

“Oh, give me a break Christopher. I’ve known your mother since we were in Kindergarten, of course I know your father.”

Chris didn’t have a response, surprisingly he seemed to be happy enough with her answer. Instead, he stood up and moved to the chair next to me. 

“Hi sweetie, I’m so glad you’re back. How was your night?”

“Fine,” he answered, “We got you flowers.”

I smiled and grabbed onto his hand, “Thank you, that’s so sweet. Was everything ok at Justin’s?”

“Yeah.”

He’s killing me here. I want details, why is he giving me one word answers? This is a big deal, a huge deal. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!

I watched Justin sit down next to Kelly, he gave me a shrug and smile. He’ll tell me, I guess I have to wait for him to fill me in. 

“You know,” Kelly placed a hand on Justin’s lap, “I’m a therapist now.”

“And pregnant. Congratulations.”

“Yeah, thanks. That’s not what I mean. I’m a therapist,” she began again. Justin nodded his head and turned back to me, “I’m saying I can listen to you if you want to talk,” she waited for Justin to say something but he didn’t. Instead he turned back to her, waiting for her to continue, “If you want to talk, I can listen and offer advice.”

Justin chuckled, “Yeah, cause that wouldn’t be a conflict of interest or anything. I’m good Kel, but thanks for the offer.”

“Are you talking to anyone? I could recommend someone to you”

“For God’s sake Kel, what is this some kind of an intervention?” he laughed uncomfortably, “Three minutes. I’ve been here for three minutes. That’s gotta be some kind of record.”

As Justin made his way to the other side of the bed Kelly shrugged at me, as if to tell me she tried. Except I don’t know what she’s trying. Definitely not something I want any part of. “How are you feeling?” Justin asked as he sat down next to my bed. 

“I’m doing good. Should be able to leave later today. How was everything last night?”

Justin nodded his head and smiled, looked at Chris and smiled again, “Yeah, good. It was good.”

I turned to Chris, then back to Justin, and continued looking between the two of them waiting for something other then the words fine and good to describe the first time the two of them have ever been alone together. I get if it’s awkward to say something in front of each other, but I would even been happy with some kind of facial expression. A smile. An eye roll. I’d even take a raising of the eyebrow. 

Just then, I heard a voice coming down the hallway and felt my heart beat quickly. 

No, this can’t be happening. 

Please, this can’t be happening.

I looked to the door, waiting for my demise.

My mother angrily made her way into the room with my father following closely behind. She stood at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed over her chest, looking over me, “How could you not even call me?”

“Oh great, mom’s here,” I answered sarcastically.

“Mackenzie. Why didn’t you call me?”

“Because I’m fine, it’s not a big deal. The real question is who called you?” I looked around the room. It definitely wasn’t Kelly, she’s been with me the whole time. I doubt Justin would call but, maybe he would. Probably Chris. Or no, I bet it was Matt. He called Kelly he probably called them too. 

I’ll kill him.

“One of your nurses called me. Andrea. It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters, what does patient privacy mean nothing up here?”

My mother took a deep breath and turned back to my father, giving him one of her famous can you believe this kid?  looks. He stayed back, leaning against the ledge next to Justin, who snuck back there as soon as my mother got into the room.  “Give me a break Mackenzie. I’ve worked with Andrea for twenty years, she lets me know if my daughter is a patient.”

“Still against hospital policy,” I answered softly. 

My mother let out a sigh before reaching for my chart. And it’s only a matter of time now before the shit hits the fan. 

“How are you doing, sweetie?” my father asked as he made his way to the bed, “you should have called.”

“I’m fine. I knew you'd worry and there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Internal bleeding is nothing to worry about?” my mother put the chart to her side as she spoke.

“Mom, stop!” I spoke firmly, “Chris is here.”

Everyone in the room looked at Chris, who now looks even more scared than he did before. 

“Let’s go for a walk,” Kelly stood up and grabbed onto Chris’s arm. 

“No, why should I go? What’s going on?” he whined, trying to make some sense out of this. 

It’s a disaster. It’s all a disaster. 

“Christopher, go!” my mother shouted.

“Relax, mom. Don’t yell at my son. God,” I turned to Chris and took a deep breath, “Can you please go for a walk with Kelly so I can talk to Nana and Grandpa.”

“Why can’t I stay? You act like I’m a baby or something. I can handle it. I want to know what’s going on.”

“Now is not the time, Christopher. Go!” my mother shouted at my son. Again. 

“Mom. Stop,” I answered sternly and turned to Chris, “I’ll tell you everything when you get back, please just let me handle this with them first?”

Chris finally stood up and huffed out of the room with Kelly holding onto his arm. She’ll make him feel better, it’ll be good for them to talk anyway. 

“He is your son. You are his mother. You need to stop acting like you’re his friend and give him some discipline or he’ll never listen to you,” my mother began lecturing because obviously this is the best time to talk about that. 

I was already angry enough, the fact that she just barges in here and demands to know everything. Never mind the fact that she just reads my chart and announces it to everyone in the room when I’ve successfully managed to keep that little tidbit to myself this whole time. 

“Mac, hunny. Explain,” my father’s calming voice took over. 

“It’s really nothing serious. We were on a hike, I fell and hit my head. So I had a minor concussion, but we got here fast enough so they just wanted to overlook everything. My leg is broken in three places. The worst is the egg on my head but it’s gone down a lot from yesterday.”

“And the internal bleeding?” my mother asked. 

“It was just from the fall, but it stopped. A long time ago. It was nothing serious.”

“Where were you bleeding internally?” my mother continued to pry. 

I took a deep breath and looked at Justin, who was now standing right beside my mother waiting impatiently for an answer, “I mean, you’re reading the chart. I don’t know why you’re asking.”

“Your brain, Mackenzie,” she turned to my father, “Her brain.”

“What? Your brain?” Justin shouted as he began pacing back and forth, moving his hands from his hair to his pockets, back to his hair. “What the hell, Mac? Why didn’t you tell me that?”

I swallowed hard, “So, Justin’s here.”

My mother turned to Justin for the first time, “Hi Justin,” she turned her nurse voice on and spoke calmly for once,  “Hi Justin. It’s nothing to worry about, it’s all under control now.”

“With all due respect Mrs. C, I feel like if it wasn’t anything to worry about we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

“My point, exactly my point. We’re all freaking out over nothing.”

My father broke in before I could finish, “Let’s be perfectly honest, for those of us not in the medical field, alright?”

Justin nodded his head in agreement and my mother turned to me to fill everyone in. Even though she has my chart and could easily tell everyone what needs to be said. 

“They’re keeping me here because there was some bleeding in my brain that they were worried about. They’ve been monitoring it all night and it’s stopped. So it’s under control now. They just want to keep an eye on it a little longer because it could lead to something serious.”

“How serious?” Justin asked. 

I shrugged and looked at my mother, but decided to speak before she did, “Coma, serious brain injury, death,” I continued quickly, “It’s not at that level and it stopped so it’s not going to be. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

Justin looked like he was going to explode, “Are you seriously telling me that I was here all day yesterday and you’re telling me everything was fine and meanwhile you’re bleeding in your fucking brain and it could have killed you?”

I nervously licked my lips and answered in a whisper, “patient privacy.”

Justin shook his head and paced back and forth. He’s definitely going to explode. He looked up at my parents, and tried to calm himself down so he wouldn’t explode in front of them. 

“OK. It doesn’t matter. You’re alright now and it didn’t turn out to be anything serious,” my father said as he made his way to the bed and kissed my forehead, “You should have called us.”

My mother sat down beside me and began reading my chart again. 

I turned to Justin and immediately felt horrible for not telling him. That look on his face is killing me. He’s furious. I didn’t want him to freak out but my mother had to come and ruin everything. 

There was a soft knock on the door and we all turned to see Matt standing there with a bouquet of sweet pea and peony. He smiled, looked around the room of eyes on him, and then turned to me, “Hey. Bad timing?”

“Nah man, perfect timing. You just missed the part where we find out Mac’s been bleeding from her fucking brain the whole time while she’s telling everyone she’s fine,” Justin said as he made his way to the door, “I can’t—I’m just—I have to go, I’ll be back. I’m just gonna go.”

Matt moved to the side so Justin could get out, then looked around the room again.

“Good to see you, Matt,” my father spoke up before continuing with a chuckle, “Come on in, join the fun.”

Matt let out a nervous laugh as he made his way inside, “It’s good to see you too, Mr. Cole, Mrs. Cole.”

My mother stood up and gave Matt a hug, then Matt made his way to the other side of the bed to shake my father’s hand. He then gave me a sweet smile and held out the bouquet, “Flowers.”

“Thank you,” I answered in a whisper. 

There was more silence, more tension. Finally my father spoke up, “Let’s give them some time alone, huh?”

Once again, my father saves the day. 

Matt watched my parents leave the room and close the door behind them. He moved a chair next to the bed and sat down. 

I held my hands out for the flowers and moved them to my nose, “They’re beautiful. Thanks, Matt.”

He nodded his head and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “Yeah, I can’t stay long. I just wanted to see how you’re doing. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

“Really? Cause it seems like maybe you’re not.”

I took a deep breath before telling him everything, more than I told anyone else. I don’t know why. Maybe because he was so calm, sitting there listening intently. Maybe because he wasn’t judging me or yelling at me, he just nodded and listened. Or maybe because he’s Matt and I know that he’s asking because he genuinely cares.  I always feel like I can tell him anything and he’ll somehow find a way to make everything ok.

Matt grabbed onto my hand, “I knew there was more, I mean I asked you. I straight up asked you yesterday and you said it was nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered in a whisper.

“Don’t—I don’t want you to be sorry. I just mean I was there, we were alone. You could have told me.”

“There are so many things going on right now and I’m so overwhelmed and…” I trailed off.

Matt seemed satisfied enough, he nodded his head and we sat in silence for a few seconds before he spoke, “So when are you getting out?”

“This afternoon. Hopefully.”

He took a deep breath and looked around the room, “Where’s Chris? Want me to take him for a couple days?”

“He’s with Kelly, we’re fine. Thanks though.”

Matt nodded his head, “I just, I want to help, Mac. What can I do?”

I smiled and moved his hand to my heart, “you can call me tonight when you get out of work and see how I’m doing. You can call and check on Chris, maybe. You can take me out to lunch in a few days when I’m able to walk a little better.”

He smiled, satisfied, “Someone’s going to stay with you, right? Your mom or Kelly or,” he swallowed before finishing much softer, “Justin.”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead, but I’ll let you know.”

“OK because you can’t be alone. You and Chris can’t be alone. I can come if you—“

“I’ll let you know.”

“Alright,” he nodded his head and turned to the clock, “I hate to leave you, I wish I could stay. It’s just that I have this big meeting with REI. I tried to reschedule it but they flew in from Washington. They can probably handle the meeting without me, if you want me to stay.”

This man. This wonderful, kind, selfless, man. This handsome, caring, admirable man. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life? How did I get so stupid to let him get away?

“I absolutely want you to go to the meeting, Matt. This is huge, REI? Congratulations.”

He shrugged, putting his head down to hide the fact he was blushing, “It’s not done yet, it’s just a preliminary meeting. Just getting the feel of everything.”

“Still exciting.”

“We’ll see. I’ll call you later,” he pulled my hand to his lips before leaning over to kiss my forehead, “I’ll try to find Chris before I leave, see how he’s doing.”

“Thanks, Matt. Thanks for the flowers.”

“Sure. I’ll get your parents back in here,” I gave him a look and he chuckled, “I’ll call you later.”

Matt gave me a quick wave before leaving the room. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I forgot about all the drama while he was here, I forgot about how mad my parents and Justin are at me. While Matt was here there was a calm that filled the room. Now Matt’s gone, and my parents walk in, and the tension is back. But not Justin, he’s still gone.